CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"...and naked I return to the very, very beginning."
"Where am I? How did I get here? Why did you do this?"
"Ah, you were just talking to me, weren't you? But not I you."
"What? You said you were punishing me..."
"For being small and pathetic yes."
"You just said then I was here!"
"Not just, but...never mind. Yes. I put you here. I was going to leave you alone but I had a change of heart. I guess. I got bored, really. This was the place I decided to come to."
"Where are we?"
"The same place you were, the place you always were...just many thousands of years before anyone lived there. The past, you see. Before humans had even fully evolved."
"Why and how would you do that?"
"Let me take this mask I forgot I've been wearing for the last eighty years off..."
"That's impossible!"
"Nah, very probably. Now, it's interesting, isn't it, that I sent you here before you even get your...MY powers. This is a splinter timeline, isn't it? So if I kill you now...it won't make a difference. I think. That's the theory. All I have to do is knife you to death to see."
"What? NO, NOOOOO!"
______________________________________________
He is sitting alone in his room. He is small and pathetic.
_______________________________________________
Then it happens. A voice.
"I HAVE COME TO MAKE YOU A GOD."
"About time. Wait...what?"
"YOUR INITIAL REACTION SAYS IT ALL. YOU HAVE WANTED THIS, NAY, EXPECTED THIS ALL OF YOUR LIFE. SO I AM GIVING IT TO YOU."
"Wow..."
"I AM AN ALIEN, BUT TO YOU I MAY AS WELL BE A GOD. I HAVE POWERS WHICH TO YOU WOULD APPEAR AS MAGIC. I AM GIVING THOSE POWERS TO YOU. JUST FOR A LAUGH, REALLY. IT WILL BE FUN. YOU'LL PROBABLY TOTALLY FUCK THE PLANET UP."
"I'll be a God?"
"IMMORTAL, ABLE TO SHIFT AND SHAPE REALITY, TO TIME TRAVEL, TO INFLUENCE THE MINDS OF OTHERS...EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVERY WANTED."
"I...I hated myself. But now? I...I knew I was special. I gave up on it...but I always knew..."
"ONE WORD OF WARNING. THESE POWERS ARE PERMANENT. NEVER CAN YOU FULLY GIVE THEM UP."
"Why would I want to?"
"YOU MAY GROW WEARY AND WISH FOR DEATH. IT IS NOT UNKNOWN. ESPEICALLY FOR ONE WITH SUCH A SMALL BRAIN. YOU CAN SUPPRESS THE POWERS, BUT THEY WILL STILL BE THERE, DORMANT. YOU COULD CREATE A CODE TO REACTIVATE THEM THEN EREASE YOUR OWN MEMORY OF THAT CODE SO YOU CANNOT REPEAT IT AND THEY WILL NOT RETURN. YOU STILL WON'T AGE BUT MAY BE ABEL TO BE PHYSICALLY DESTROYED...FOR A TIME. DO YOU STILL WISH THE POWERS?"
"I didn't understand any of that, so yes."
"I WILL BEGIN THE PROCESS..."
A masked man with a knife runs towars him from the bushes. A giant rock falls on him.
"Who the fuck was that!?"
"HOW SHOULD I KNOW? I SHALL BEGIN NOW."
"I feel it! I FEEL IT ALL!"
_________________________________________________
'This is the news. The tv show Glee has somehow completely disappeared. Every episode has been erased and the cast and crew are unable to remember how to make the show. Even fans are beginning to forget it ever existed.
Two hundred of the sexiest female celebrities in the world have disappeared. Many were jews.
And I'm just being handed something...world peace? I don't believe this but I'm getting reports of...yes, world peace. Peace, all over the world!
Who could have done these things?'
_______________________________________________________
At one point he remembered them mad man with the knife who nearly spoiled all his fun and sent a giant rock back in time to kill him. He then had a massive Mario Kart tournament with the girls.
_______________________________________________________
"Hello, Machine."
"Hello, Master."
"I created you to be my friend and faithful servant."
"I know, you programmed me with that knowledge."
"Yes, of course. Mainly I just want someone to talk to. Someone who isn't human. I'm not human myself, you see."
"You appear as human to me, sir."
"How cruel of you to say. No, I'm not. Haven't been for a long time. I've lived now...well, I'm not the oldest person to every live, but I'm getting close. I did so much at first. Made reality the way I wanted it to be, the way it should be. Destroying Glee, world peace, bringing back Firefly...all that good stuff. But I had no one to talk to, not really."
"The girls, master?"
"Nah, I just had sex with them. Brought my two hundred favourite here to live with me, but what could we talk about? I...was it rape?"
"Sir?"
"Why do you sometimes call me sir and sometimes master?"
"I don't know, you created me!"
"FINE. I mean, I only thought about it years later...I changed their brains a bit to make them want to have sex with me...was that rape?"
"Probably, technically. But you also made them immortal and gave some of them nicer breasts."
"I did, didn't I? Thanks Machine!"
"You're welcome."
"I just...I'm worried about getting bored. Don't want to talk to humans anymore...don't even want to make love to them."
"You can make love to me, sir."
"Well that's what that port is designed for, yes..."
___________________________________________________________
"I'm so bored. Should I get out of bed? Nah. Should I give Machine permission to speak? Nah. It's only been a hundred and fifty years since he last did. Let him wait...LET HIM WAIT. HAHAHAHAHA!"
____________________________________________________
"I think I'm past the insanity stage and back to being bored now, Machine. Sometimes I feel like..."
"Sir?"
"Oh, you can speak?"
"You returned that ability to me seventeen years ago, master. I just haven't had much to say."
"Me neither. Remember when I made a cat out of my socks?"
"Yes."
"Didn't even have to leave bed! When did I last leave bed anyway?"
"Two thousand years ago."
"Ah, yes. Why did I ever...hey, I remembered who I feel like. HIM. The original me. What would happen if I went back in time and murdered him? Just for fun?"
"I don't know, Master."
"I should wear a mask so he doesn't know it's me!"
"Very good, sir!"
___________________________________________________________
He is sitting alone in his room. He is small and pathetic.
"You really ARE small and pathetic!"
"What? Who are you?"
"I just time travelled. Haha. I was going to kill you, but I changed my mind eight seconds ago. I'll just...punish you, instead."
"How? What?"
"I'm sending you somewhere special!"
"I don't...what is this?"
"BYEEEE!"
_____________________________________________________________
"How long have I been back in bed, Machine?"
"Eighty years."
"Huh. Doesn't feel much different from the two thousand. Time is nothing really, isn't it? I still have that mask on. Strange. What am I?"
"I don't know anymore."
"You used to see me as human."
"I don't know anymore."
"Yes, well...HOW ABOUT WE HAVE SEX!!!"
"You haven't done that in nearly two thousand years, Master"
"I could use my powers to give myself an erection. But what would be the point? I'v done it all before. You know what I haven't done, though?"
"Suppressed your powers?"
"Exactly! God gave me the instructions...I create a code...done...I suppress my powers using that code and erease my memory of the code...done! HAHA!"
"Yes, master. Very amusing."
"I don't want to spend all this powerless time here in bed! I WANT TO GO SOMEHWERE! HAHA!"
"Insane phase again, sir..."
"I gave you time travel. SEND ME TO THE PLACE I'M THINKING OF!"
"If it please you..."
"I will go there, without powers...to the very beginning. Except it's not. It's long before that. It's just the point where I first exist because of what I did...you understand. Naked, I shall be..."
____________________________________________________________
"...and naked I return to the very, very beginning."
"Where am I? How did I get here? Why did you do this?"
"Ah, you were just talking to me, weren't you? But not I you."
"What? You said you were punishing me..."
"For being small and pathetic yes."
"You just said then I was here!"
"Not just, but...never mind. Yes. I put you here. I was going to leave you alone but I had a change of heart. I guess. I got bored, really. This was the place I decided to come to."
"Where are we?"
"The same place you were, the place you always were...just many thousands of years before anyone lived there. The past, you see. Before humans had even fully evolved."
"Why and how would you do that?"
"Let me take this mask I forgot I've been wearing for the last eighty years off..."
"That's impossible!"
"Nah, very probably. Now, it's interesting, isn't it, that I sent you here before you even get your...MY powers. This is a splinter timeline, isn't it? So if I kill you now...it won't make a difference. I think. That's the theory. All I have to do is knife you to death to see."
"What? NO, NOOOOO!"
"Right, that's him dead. That was fun. Now...what was that code to return my powers? Oh, I can't remember. Well. It's only, what? Thousands of years? I've done thousands of years before. I'll just wait and ask myself the code. OR! OR! I can kill him AGAIN before I killed him now! Yes, kill him in his bedroom and then God will give the powers to MEEEEE! Will he be there? Huh. If I sent him back in time before that, then how could he be there to get the powers...but if he's not there to get the powers then I can never send him back in time. Maybe I never REALLY sent him back in time. Maybe I created a clone and sent that back. I think that's what I did. Isn't it? Hmm. That would solve the problmes...I'll send a message to myself to send a clone. When I get my powers back. By kill myself before I get the powers. Yes. I have it all sorted out. I'll hide in the bushes, run out and kill him right before he gets the powers. Nothing could possibly go wrong..."
____________________________________________________________
In one timeline the thing you've figured out happened.
In another he really had sent himself back in time and created a paradox which caused the universe to explode then restart and return to the original timeline to make sense of itself...and then the thing you've figured out happened.
___________________________________-
"Huh. This is what physical death feels like? Kind of...boring, isn't it? Oh well. I'm sure I'll grow a new body eventually..."
"Where am I? How did I get here? Why did you do this?"
"Ah, you were just talking to me, weren't you? But not I you."
"What? You said you were punishing me..."
"For being small and pathetic yes."
"You just said then I was here!"
"Not just, but...never mind. Yes. I put you here. I was going to leave you alone but I had a change of heart. I guess. I got bored, really. This was the place I decided to come to."
"Where are we?"
"The same place you were, the place you always were...just many thousands of years before anyone lived there. The past, you see. Before humans had even fully evolved."
"Why and how would you do that?"
"Let me take this mask I forgot I've been wearing for the last eighty years off..."
"That's impossible!"
"Nah, very probably. Now, it's interesting, isn't it, that I sent you here before you even get your...MY powers. This is a splinter timeline, isn't it? So if I kill you now...it won't make a difference. I think. That's the theory. All I have to do is knife you to death to see."
"What? NO, NOOOOO!"
______________________________________________
He is sitting alone in his room. He is small and pathetic.
_______________________________________________
Then it happens. A voice.
"I HAVE COME TO MAKE YOU A GOD."
"About time. Wait...what?"
"YOUR INITIAL REACTION SAYS IT ALL. YOU HAVE WANTED THIS, NAY, EXPECTED THIS ALL OF YOUR LIFE. SO I AM GIVING IT TO YOU."
"Wow..."
"I AM AN ALIEN, BUT TO YOU I MAY AS WELL BE A GOD. I HAVE POWERS WHICH TO YOU WOULD APPEAR AS MAGIC. I AM GIVING THOSE POWERS TO YOU. JUST FOR A LAUGH, REALLY. IT WILL BE FUN. YOU'LL PROBABLY TOTALLY FUCK THE PLANET UP."
"I'll be a God?"
"IMMORTAL, ABLE TO SHIFT AND SHAPE REALITY, TO TIME TRAVEL, TO INFLUENCE THE MINDS OF OTHERS...EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVERY WANTED."
"I...I hated myself. But now? I...I knew I was special. I gave up on it...but I always knew..."
"ONE WORD OF WARNING. THESE POWERS ARE PERMANENT. NEVER CAN YOU FULLY GIVE THEM UP."
"Why would I want to?"
"YOU MAY GROW WEARY AND WISH FOR DEATH. IT IS NOT UNKNOWN. ESPEICALLY FOR ONE WITH SUCH A SMALL BRAIN. YOU CAN SUPPRESS THE POWERS, BUT THEY WILL STILL BE THERE, DORMANT. YOU COULD CREATE A CODE TO REACTIVATE THEM THEN EREASE YOUR OWN MEMORY OF THAT CODE SO YOU CANNOT REPEAT IT AND THEY WILL NOT RETURN. YOU STILL WON'T AGE BUT MAY BE ABEL TO BE PHYSICALLY DESTROYED...FOR A TIME. DO YOU STILL WISH THE POWERS?"
"I didn't understand any of that, so yes."
"I WILL BEGIN THE PROCESS..."
A masked man with a knife runs towars him from the bushes. A giant rock falls on him.
"Who the fuck was that!?"
"HOW SHOULD I KNOW? I SHALL BEGIN NOW."
"I feel it! I FEEL IT ALL!"
_________________________________________________
'This is the news. The tv show Glee has somehow completely disappeared. Every episode has been erased and the cast and crew are unable to remember how to make the show. Even fans are beginning to forget it ever existed.
Two hundred of the sexiest female celebrities in the world have disappeared. Many were jews.
And I'm just being handed something...world peace? I don't believe this but I'm getting reports of...yes, world peace. Peace, all over the world!
Who could have done these things?'
_______________________________________________________
At one point he remembered them mad man with the knife who nearly spoiled all his fun and sent a giant rock back in time to kill him. He then had a massive Mario Kart tournament with the girls.
_______________________________________________________
"Hello, Machine."
"Hello, Master."
"I created you to be my friend and faithful servant."
"I know, you programmed me with that knowledge."
"Yes, of course. Mainly I just want someone to talk to. Someone who isn't human. I'm not human myself, you see."
"You appear as human to me, sir."
"How cruel of you to say. No, I'm not. Haven't been for a long time. I've lived now...well, I'm not the oldest person to every live, but I'm getting close. I did so much at first. Made reality the way I wanted it to be, the way it should be. Destroying Glee, world peace, bringing back Firefly...all that good stuff. But I had no one to talk to, not really."
"The girls, master?"
"Nah, I just had sex with them. Brought my two hundred favourite here to live with me, but what could we talk about? I...was it rape?"
"Sir?"
"Why do you sometimes call me sir and sometimes master?"
"I don't know, you created me!"
"FINE. I mean, I only thought about it years later...I changed their brains a bit to make them want to have sex with me...was that rape?"
"Probably, technically. But you also made them immortal and gave some of them nicer breasts."
"I did, didn't I? Thanks Machine!"
"You're welcome."
"I just...I'm worried about getting bored. Don't want to talk to humans anymore...don't even want to make love to them."
"You can make love to me, sir."
"Well that's what that port is designed for, yes..."
___________________________________________________________
"I'm so bored. Should I get out of bed? Nah. Should I give Machine permission to speak? Nah. It's only been a hundred and fifty years since he last did. Let him wait...LET HIM WAIT. HAHAHAHAHA!"
____________________________________________________
"I think I'm past the insanity stage and back to being bored now, Machine. Sometimes I feel like..."
"Sir?"
"Oh, you can speak?"
"You returned that ability to me seventeen years ago, master. I just haven't had much to say."
"Me neither. Remember when I made a cat out of my socks?"
"Yes."
"Didn't even have to leave bed! When did I last leave bed anyway?"
"Two thousand years ago."
"Ah, yes. Why did I ever...hey, I remembered who I feel like. HIM. The original me. What would happen if I went back in time and murdered him? Just for fun?"
"I don't know, Master."
"I should wear a mask so he doesn't know it's me!"
"Very good, sir!"
___________________________________________________________
He is sitting alone in his room. He is small and pathetic.
"You really ARE small and pathetic!"
"What? Who are you?"
"I just time travelled. Haha. I was going to kill you, but I changed my mind eight seconds ago. I'll just...punish you, instead."
"How? What?"
"I'm sending you somewhere special!"
"I don't...what is this?"
"BYEEEE!"
_____________________________________________________________
"How long have I been back in bed, Machine?"
"Eighty years."
"Huh. Doesn't feel much different from the two thousand. Time is nothing really, isn't it? I still have that mask on. Strange. What am I?"
"I don't know anymore."
"You used to see me as human."
"I don't know anymore."
"Yes, well...HOW ABOUT WE HAVE SEX!!!"
"You haven't done that in nearly two thousand years, Master"
"I could use my powers to give myself an erection. But what would be the point? I'v done it all before. You know what I haven't done, though?"
"Suppressed your powers?"
"Exactly! God gave me the instructions...I create a code...done...I suppress my powers using that code and erease my memory of the code...done! HAHA!"
"Yes, master. Very amusing."
"I don't want to spend all this powerless time here in bed! I WANT TO GO SOMEHWERE! HAHA!"
"Insane phase again, sir..."
"I gave you time travel. SEND ME TO THE PLACE I'M THINKING OF!"
"If it please you..."
"I will go there, without powers...to the very beginning. Except it's not. It's long before that. It's just the point where I first exist because of what I did...you understand. Naked, I shall be..."
____________________________________________________________
"...and naked I return to the very, very beginning."
"Where am I? How did I get here? Why did you do this?"
"Ah, you were just talking to me, weren't you? But not I you."
"What? You said you were punishing me..."
"For being small and pathetic yes."
"You just said then I was here!"
"Not just, but...never mind. Yes. I put you here. I was going to leave you alone but I had a change of heart. I guess. I got bored, really. This was the place I decided to come to."
"Where are we?"
"The same place you were, the place you always were...just many thousands of years before anyone lived there. The past, you see. Before humans had even fully evolved."
"Why and how would you do that?"
"Let me take this mask I forgot I've been wearing for the last eighty years off..."
"That's impossible!"
"Nah, very probably. Now, it's interesting, isn't it, that I sent you here before you even get your...MY powers. This is a splinter timeline, isn't it? So if I kill you now...it won't make a difference. I think. That's the theory. All I have to do is knife you to death to see."
"What? NO, NOOOOO!"
"Right, that's him dead. That was fun. Now...what was that code to return my powers? Oh, I can't remember. Well. It's only, what? Thousands of years? I've done thousands of years before. I'll just wait and ask myself the code. OR! OR! I can kill him AGAIN before I killed him now! Yes, kill him in his bedroom and then God will give the powers to MEEEEE! Will he be there? Huh. If I sent him back in time before that, then how could he be there to get the powers...but if he's not there to get the powers then I can never send him back in time. Maybe I never REALLY sent him back in time. Maybe I created a clone and sent that back. I think that's what I did. Isn't it? Hmm. That would solve the problmes...I'll send a message to myself to send a clone. When I get my powers back. By kill myself before I get the powers. Yes. I have it all sorted out. I'll hide in the bushes, run out and kill him right before he gets the powers. Nothing could possibly go wrong..."
____________________________________________________________
In one timeline the thing you've figured out happened.
In another he really had sent himself back in time and created a paradox which caused the universe to explode then restart and return to the original timeline to make sense of itself...and then the thing you've figured out happened.
___________________________________-
"Huh. This is what physical death feels like? Kind of...boring, isn't it? Oh well. I'm sure I'll grow a new body eventually..."
