CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Kicked out of the army, my girlfriend revealed to be an actress with lego breasts, I felt I had nothing to live for and attempt to kill myself eight times by slitting my ankles, as I mistakenly believed that was the most common and successful method. I was sent to a french mental hospital for people who had attempted suicde at least eight times and, frankly, I felt like I didn't belong there. Must of the others there had tried it A LOT more than eight times. One, named Captain Biscuit, had tried seveneteen million times and now believed himself to be immortal. Eight hours later he blew his head off with a gun I had smuggled into the hospital in case of emergencies (how was I supposed to know he was going to use it to kill himself when he asked "can I just hold and stroke that loaded gun, mate, I have a bit of a headache and it might help it go away...might help all the pain go away..."?) and really did die. That was depressing.
I spent five years in that hospital and, other than Captain Biscuit who died on my first day, the only other person I talked to in there was Nurse Datanode, a robot nurse from the future who had travelled back in time to care for the suicidal. She was really nice and after five years she asked me "will you attempt suicide by slitting your ankles again?" and I said "no" and that was that, I was let out, a free man. To be honest I wish she'd just asked that question five years earlier.
Eighteen second after being released I attempted suicide again by throwing myself in front of a tram (well, I had only promised not to attempt it by slitting my ankles, I didn't say anything about other methods!) but somehow I ended up as a passenger in the tram instead. It was there that I frist met the mysterious Jack Bee, who said he had been watching me all my life, from my shelf-fitting days back in Britain, through to my days (well, moments) in Atlantis, my time as a prostitute (it was then that I remmbered performing oral sex on him for twenty seven hours one weekend) and even my time in the army and in the hospital. He said he had read a prophecy about me and that I was the "chosen one" and that "everything is where it should be". He then handed me ten thousand pounds and told me to return to Britain and defeat the Pig Monsters and face my destiny. He then kicked me in the gut and tossed me out of the tram. I landed on a couch being carried by two clowns as part of a performance art piece.
I was hungry as I spent a large part of the money (eight pounds) on baps before booking passage by hot air balloon back to Britain. I had no idea how I would defeat the pig monsters, but luckily my co-pilot on the hot air balloon was a murderous scumbag named KNIVES MCGEE who claimed to know fifty eight different ways to kill a pig monster with a single knife. He then gave me a single knife. He then kicked me in the gut and toss me out of the balloon and stole the rest of my money. At least he didn't murder me!
As luck would have it I landed on a row boat being rowed by none other than my old thread and benefactor Jack Bee. "Everything is as it should be, you are where you should be, what is written shall come to pass," he said, while lighting a fag. I asked if he had known all along that the money he gave me would have bene stolen by a murdering bastard why did he even give it to me in the first place? He shrugged and said it was actually fake money made out of socks. I was quite concerned than as I had used it to pay for the baps at the bakery and was worried that baker (a notorious mad man and communist) would come after me.
We finally arrived at the "white cliffs of Dover" which had actually been painted pink, the colours of pigs, by the pig monsters. Jack then told me that I'd have to do this next part alone and when I asked why he just kind of waved his hand in front of my face then slowly rowed away, then realised he'd left one of his shoes behind, row back, waved his hand in front of my face again, then rowed away agan. Then I did a blow off.
Finally back in my home land I wondered around aimlessly for 40 days and 40 nights eating wild mushrooms and baps I found lying about. I grew to believe that Pib Monsters were just a myth, a legend. Then I saw something, in the middle of Sherwood Forest, that changed a lot of my opinions. It was a vampire dressed as Robin Hood.
"Hi," I said.
"BLOOD!" he said.
I spent five years in that hospital and, other than Captain Biscuit who died on my first day, the only other person I talked to in there was Nurse Datanode, a robot nurse from the future who had travelled back in time to care for the suicidal. She was really nice and after five years she asked me "will you attempt suicide by slitting your ankles again?" and I said "no" and that was that, I was let out, a free man. To be honest I wish she'd just asked that question five years earlier.
Eighteen second after being released I attempted suicide again by throwing myself in front of a tram (well, I had only promised not to attempt it by slitting my ankles, I didn't say anything about other methods!) but somehow I ended up as a passenger in the tram instead. It was there that I frist met the mysterious Jack Bee, who said he had been watching me all my life, from my shelf-fitting days back in Britain, through to my days (well, moments) in Atlantis, my time as a prostitute (it was then that I remmbered performing oral sex on him for twenty seven hours one weekend) and even my time in the army and in the hospital. He said he had read a prophecy about me and that I was the "chosen one" and that "everything is where it should be". He then handed me ten thousand pounds and told me to return to Britain and defeat the Pig Monsters and face my destiny. He then kicked me in the gut and tossed me out of the tram. I landed on a couch being carried by two clowns as part of a performance art piece.
I was hungry as I spent a large part of the money (eight pounds) on baps before booking passage by hot air balloon back to Britain. I had no idea how I would defeat the pig monsters, but luckily my co-pilot on the hot air balloon was a murderous scumbag named KNIVES MCGEE who claimed to know fifty eight different ways to kill a pig monster with a single knife. He then gave me a single knife. He then kicked me in the gut and toss me out of the balloon and stole the rest of my money. At least he didn't murder me!
As luck would have it I landed on a row boat being rowed by none other than my old thread and benefactor Jack Bee. "Everything is as it should be, you are where you should be, what is written shall come to pass," he said, while lighting a fag. I asked if he had known all along that the money he gave me would have bene stolen by a murdering bastard why did he even give it to me in the first place? He shrugged and said it was actually fake money made out of socks. I was quite concerned than as I had used it to pay for the baps at the bakery and was worried that baker (a notorious mad man and communist) would come after me.
We finally arrived at the "white cliffs of Dover" which had actually been painted pink, the colours of pigs, by the pig monsters. Jack then told me that I'd have to do this next part alone and when I asked why he just kind of waved his hand in front of my face then slowly rowed away, then realised he'd left one of his shoes behind, row back, waved his hand in front of my face again, then rowed away agan. Then I did a blow off.
Finally back in my home land I wondered around aimlessly for 40 days and 40 nights eating wild mushrooms and baps I found lying about. I grew to believe that Pib Monsters were just a myth, a legend. Then I saw something, in the middle of Sherwood Forest, that changed a lot of my opinions. It was a vampire dressed as Robin Hood.
"Hi," I said.
"BLOOD!" he said.