CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"So you're a vampire dressed as Robin Hood," I said.
"No, I'm Robin Hood turned into a vampire! BLAH!" he said.
"Oh," I said. I didn't believe him. For one thing, he was black. For another he was only 12 and I was pretty sure Robin Hood had been older than that.
"Yes," he said. "And now to suck...your blood!"
"Why?" I asked.
"For a drink!" he said.
"But why not just drink water?" I asked. He looked confused.
"Because I'm a vampire!"
"Have you tried NOT being a vampire?"
"Yes."
"Oh. For how long?"
"NIEN DAYS. But then I ate some woman's neck. Mmm, woman neck. They taste the best, you know"
"Look, I came back to Britain to kill the Pig Monsters."
"Good luck!"
"Thanks."
"I was being sarcastic! PFFFT, good luck!"
"You should have said pffft the first time then."
"I know, sorry."
"So are you going to drink me or not?"
"Nah, I just drank a hedgehog. By the way, that girl I killed? She was a hedgehog too. I've never killed a human."
"Oh. What about a Pig Monster?"
"What do they taste like?"
"Only one way to find out! Come with me! Help take Britain back for the British and the vampires!"
"Fine," he said. "I think I ate the last hedgehog in this forest." And so, finally, I had an ally.
"So, tell me your life story," I asked.
"Well, one day I was playing at being Robin Hood in the forest, you know, like all kids do? And I was eating a bap. But then this other kid kicked me in the gut and stole my bap. I cried and cried, dude. I cried so loudly that a vampire heard me. And it came over and asked if it could have something to DRINK. And I thought it meant the can of moop cola I had with me, so I said yes. Then it brutally murdered me! It wasn't fair. I think the vampire understood that, so it brought me back as a vampire too. This was three days ago."
"Umm, is that all?"
"Yes."
"But you said you tried not being a vampire for nine days then killed a hedgehog."
"Yes. But that was before I became a vampire."
"Huh?"
"I used to thik I was a vampire when I was young. And eat hedgehogs."
"But you eat hedgehogs now!"
"Funny how that worked out! Funny that I always wanted to be a vampire and now that I am I find that it SUCKS! No pun intended."
"Okay. But I thought you wanted to be Robin Hood?"
"GOD FUCK NO. I only pretended to be Robin Hood to impress a girl."
"Oh."
"Yeah she has huge tits."
"Aren't you a bit young for huge tits?"
"Hey, I'm an undead immortal!"
"For three days."
"Yes. BLAH!" Then he started biting a tree to impress me.
I could tell it was going to be a long night.
"No, I'm Robin Hood turned into a vampire! BLAH!" he said.
"Oh," I said. I didn't believe him. For one thing, he was black. For another he was only 12 and I was pretty sure Robin Hood had been older than that.
"Yes," he said. "And now to suck...your blood!"
"Why?" I asked.
"For a drink!" he said.
"But why not just drink water?" I asked. He looked confused.
"Because I'm a vampire!"
"Have you tried NOT being a vampire?"
"Yes."
"Oh. For how long?"
"NIEN DAYS. But then I ate some woman's neck. Mmm, woman neck. They taste the best, you know"
"Look, I came back to Britain to kill the Pig Monsters."
"Good luck!"
"Thanks."
"I was being sarcastic! PFFFT, good luck!"
"You should have said pffft the first time then."
"I know, sorry."
"So are you going to drink me or not?"
"Nah, I just drank a hedgehog. By the way, that girl I killed? She was a hedgehog too. I've never killed a human."
"Oh. What about a Pig Monster?"
"What do they taste like?"
"Only one way to find out! Come with me! Help take Britain back for the British and the vampires!"
"Fine," he said. "I think I ate the last hedgehog in this forest." And so, finally, I had an ally.
"So, tell me your life story," I asked.
"Well, one day I was playing at being Robin Hood in the forest, you know, like all kids do? And I was eating a bap. But then this other kid kicked me in the gut and stole my bap. I cried and cried, dude. I cried so loudly that a vampire heard me. And it came over and asked if it could have something to DRINK. And I thought it meant the can of moop cola I had with me, so I said yes. Then it brutally murdered me! It wasn't fair. I think the vampire understood that, so it brought me back as a vampire too. This was three days ago."
"Umm, is that all?"
"Yes."
"But you said you tried not being a vampire for nine days then killed a hedgehog."
"Yes. But that was before I became a vampire."
"Huh?"
"I used to thik I was a vampire when I was young. And eat hedgehogs."
"But you eat hedgehogs now!"
"Funny how that worked out! Funny that I always wanted to be a vampire and now that I am I find that it SUCKS! No pun intended."
"Okay. But I thought you wanted to be Robin Hood?"
"GOD FUCK NO. I only pretended to be Robin Hood to impress a girl."
"Oh."
"Yeah she has huge tits."
"Aren't you a bit young for huge tits?"
"Hey, I'm an undead immortal!"
"For three days."
"Yes. BLAH!" Then he started biting a tree to impress me.
I could tell it was going to be a long night.