CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Chandlers and Joey are sitting in their apartment watching the chick and duck.)
Joey: Chandler, do you think the chick and duck will ever have babies together?
Chandler: Joey, they're different species!
Joey: So?
Chandler: They can't have babies together!
Joey: Are you sure? My mom and dad were different species, and they had lots of babies!
Chandler: ...what!?
Joey: My mom is a woman and my dad is a man! Different species!
Chandler: ...sometimes I wonder about you, Joe!
(Studio audience laugh and applaud. Ross walks in. The laughter and applause abruptly end. You can hear audience members shifting in their seats and some getting up to leave. A production assistant can distantly be heard saying "no, come back, it'll be funny, I promise!" Ross looks like he's been crying.)
Joey: Ross, what species were your parents?
Chandler: Sssh, Joe, he's still sad about Rachel.
Ross: That BITCH.
(Ross punches the fridge.)
Joey: Easy! My food lives in there!
(Ross bursts out crying.)
Ross: Rachel loved food!
Chandler: Now come on, we both know that isn't true!
Ross: I Just...I can't believe she won't give me another chance.
Chandler: You cheated on her! Again!
Ross: Hey, that time with the girl from a the copy shop didn't count! WE WERE ON A BREAK!
(Studio audience groan and boo. Someone mutters "get fucking Ross out of here.")
Joey: Yeah, but that time with the GUY from the copy shop DID count. And it was totally gay!
Chandler: And that makes it worse!
Ross: IT WAS NOT GAY. I wasn't even attracted to him, I was thinking about Marcel the whole time. It's not gay if you're thinking about a monkey!
Joey: That's what my priest used to say!
(Studio audience explode and start chanting "JOEY JOEY JOEY.")
Ross: I only fucked the shit out of that guy because I was angry at Rachel because she said Jurassic Park was only "pretty good." SHE DOESN'T RESPECT DINOSAURS. So I decided to teach her some respect...
Chandler: Yeah, how'd that work out for you!
(Studio audience cheer and chant "CHAN MAN, CHAN MAN.")
Ross: Don't test me, Bing! But yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe trying to sexually humiliate Rachel was the wrong thing to do. I need to do something to show her how much I love her.
Joey: You could throw out all your dinosaur crap.
Ross: THOSE DINOSAURS ARE MY CHILDREN.
Chandler: Well, why not make some extreme romantic gesture. Maybe that would impress her, somehow.
Ross: But what...
Joey: You could make a cum tribute to her! That would show her you care!
(A hush falls over the room. The studio audience can be heard muttering things like "did he just say that." Ross and Chandler look confused.)
Ross: Uhh...sure, Joey...
Chandler: ...so, moving on...
(Phoebe and Monica walk in.)
Phoebe: Hey, Ross, tell Monica I'm right about a science thing. Tell her the moon is just the other side of the sun.
Ross: ...the fuck?
Chandler: Hey, you ladies shouldn't just walk in here without warning.
Joey: Yeah, what if Ross had been making his cum tribute to Rachel!
Monica: Ross, eww! Don't do that!
Ross: I'm not going to make a cum tribute to Rachel!
Phoebe: Then you can answer my question about the moon!
Ross: Phoebe, SHUT UP. Shut up or I'll KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
(Studio audience boo. Chandler and Joey look at each other, worried. Phoebe pulls out a gun.)
Phoebe: Just try it, Gellar, just fucking try it! I'll blow you away! I've shot people before.
Monica: Pheebs, why do you have a GUN!
Phoebe(waving gun about): My grandmother just died again and left in in her will!
Chandler: Phoebe, don't wave that thing around, it could go off!
Joey: Yeah, you could shoot the food house!
Monica: The what?
Joey: The fridge!
Ross: Haha, better shoot the food before Monica eats it all again and gets fat!
(Studio audience boo and throw trash at Ross.)
Phoebe: Don't talk about her like that!
(Phoebe aims her gun at Ross. He tries to dive behind the foosball table.)
Phoebe: You can't hide from me, you perveted fat-shaming shit!
(Phoebe prepares to fire. The door opens and Rachel steps in.)
Rachel: What's going on?
(Ross grabs Rachel and uses her as a human shield. Right at that moment there is a bang.)
Phoebe: I didn't mean to!
(Ross and Rachel fall to the floor.)
Ross: No, nooooooooooooo! Rachel! I wasn't trying to use you as a human shield, I swear! I just wanted to touch you one more time before I died. IT'S NORMAL. And now you're dead! NOOOOOO!
Rache: Ross, I'm not dead, you just pulled me to the floor when Phoebe fired that starting pistol.
Phoebe: Oh, that's what it is!
(Studio audience explode.)
Joey: We better get running, Chandler, the race is about to start!
Chandler: I'm beginning to think your parents WERE difference species!
(Studio audience implode.)
Monica: Oh, so you knew it was a starting pistol, but that was still a nasty joke to play, Pheebs.
Phoebe: What? No, I really was trying to murder Ross. I'm going to go get a knife from your kitchen...
(Phoebe leaves.)
Rachel: Ross, will you fucking let me go.
Ross: I never should have let you go!
Rachel: No, I mean we're still lying on the floor and you're holding me.
Ross: Oh, right...
(They get up. Rachel shudders with disgust that Ross was touching her.)
Ross: So, are we back together yet?
Rachel: Urgh, Ross...
(Rachel walks over to Joey and sticks her tongue down his throat. Studio audience blink back into existence and explode again.)
Joey: How'm I doin'!
Ross: No. NOOOOOOO! I was going to make a cum tribute to you, and you do this! This is worse than the multiple times I slept with the guy from the copy place! I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! I'll...ACK!
(Ross looks in pain for a moment then falls forward, dead. There is a huge knife sticking out of his back. Phoebe is standing there. She shrugs.)
Phoebe: Should have answered my question about the moon.
Chandler: Phoebe, I approve, but you'll best arrested!
Rachel: Not unless...we get rid of the body...
Joey: But how!
Monica: We could eat him!
Rachel Mon, you want an excuse to get fat again! Eating your brother's corpse to cover up his murder is not a good enough reason to...
Monica(mouth full of Ross flesh): ...sorry, wasn't listening!
(They all shrug and begin consuming Ross. We see something looking in the window. It is Marcel the monkey. There is anger in his eyes.)
Joey: Chandler, do you think the chick and duck will ever have babies together?
Chandler: Joey, they're different species!
Joey: So?
Chandler: They can't have babies together!
Joey: Are you sure? My mom and dad were different species, and they had lots of babies!
Chandler: ...what!?
Joey: My mom is a woman and my dad is a man! Different species!
Chandler: ...sometimes I wonder about you, Joe!
(Studio audience laugh and applaud. Ross walks in. The laughter and applause abruptly end. You can hear audience members shifting in their seats and some getting up to leave. A production assistant can distantly be heard saying "no, come back, it'll be funny, I promise!" Ross looks like he's been crying.)
Joey: Ross, what species were your parents?
Chandler: Sssh, Joe, he's still sad about Rachel.
Ross: That BITCH.
(Ross punches the fridge.)
Joey: Easy! My food lives in there!
(Ross bursts out crying.)
Ross: Rachel loved food!
Chandler: Now come on, we both know that isn't true!
Ross: I Just...I can't believe she won't give me another chance.
Chandler: You cheated on her! Again!
Ross: Hey, that time with the girl from a the copy shop didn't count! WE WERE ON A BREAK!
(Studio audience groan and boo. Someone mutters "get fucking Ross out of here.")
Joey: Yeah, but that time with the GUY from the copy shop DID count. And it was totally gay!
Chandler: And that makes it worse!
Ross: IT WAS NOT GAY. I wasn't even attracted to him, I was thinking about Marcel the whole time. It's not gay if you're thinking about a monkey!
Joey: That's what my priest used to say!
(Studio audience explode and start chanting "JOEY JOEY JOEY.")
Ross: I only fucked the shit out of that guy because I was angry at Rachel because she said Jurassic Park was only "pretty good." SHE DOESN'T RESPECT DINOSAURS. So I decided to teach her some respect...
Chandler: Yeah, how'd that work out for you!
(Studio audience cheer and chant "CHAN MAN, CHAN MAN.")
Ross: Don't test me, Bing! But yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe trying to sexually humiliate Rachel was the wrong thing to do. I need to do something to show her how much I love her.
Joey: You could throw out all your dinosaur crap.
Ross: THOSE DINOSAURS ARE MY CHILDREN.
Chandler: Well, why not make some extreme romantic gesture. Maybe that would impress her, somehow.
Ross: But what...
Joey: You could make a cum tribute to her! That would show her you care!
(A hush falls over the room. The studio audience can be heard muttering things like "did he just say that." Ross and Chandler look confused.)
Ross: Uhh...sure, Joey...
Chandler: ...so, moving on...
(Phoebe and Monica walk in.)
Phoebe: Hey, Ross, tell Monica I'm right about a science thing. Tell her the moon is just the other side of the sun.
Ross: ...the fuck?
Chandler: Hey, you ladies shouldn't just walk in here without warning.
Joey: Yeah, what if Ross had been making his cum tribute to Rachel!
Monica: Ross, eww! Don't do that!
Ross: I'm not going to make a cum tribute to Rachel!
Phoebe: Then you can answer my question about the moon!
Ross: Phoebe, SHUT UP. Shut up or I'll KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
(Studio audience boo. Chandler and Joey look at each other, worried. Phoebe pulls out a gun.)
Phoebe: Just try it, Gellar, just fucking try it! I'll blow you away! I've shot people before.
Monica: Pheebs, why do you have a GUN!
Phoebe(waving gun about): My grandmother just died again and left in in her will!
Chandler: Phoebe, don't wave that thing around, it could go off!
Joey: Yeah, you could shoot the food house!
Monica: The what?
Joey: The fridge!
Ross: Haha, better shoot the food before Monica eats it all again and gets fat!
(Studio audience boo and throw trash at Ross.)
Phoebe: Don't talk about her like that!
(Phoebe aims her gun at Ross. He tries to dive behind the foosball table.)
Phoebe: You can't hide from me, you perveted fat-shaming shit!
(Phoebe prepares to fire. The door opens and Rachel steps in.)
Rachel: What's going on?
(Ross grabs Rachel and uses her as a human shield. Right at that moment there is a bang.)
Phoebe: I didn't mean to!
(Ross and Rachel fall to the floor.)
Ross: No, nooooooooooooo! Rachel! I wasn't trying to use you as a human shield, I swear! I just wanted to touch you one more time before I died. IT'S NORMAL. And now you're dead! NOOOOOO!
Rache: Ross, I'm not dead, you just pulled me to the floor when Phoebe fired that starting pistol.
Phoebe: Oh, that's what it is!
(Studio audience explode.)
Joey: We better get running, Chandler, the race is about to start!
Chandler: I'm beginning to think your parents WERE difference species!
(Studio audience implode.)
Monica: Oh, so you knew it was a starting pistol, but that was still a nasty joke to play, Pheebs.
Phoebe: What? No, I really was trying to murder Ross. I'm going to go get a knife from your kitchen...
(Phoebe leaves.)
Rachel: Ross, will you fucking let me go.
Ross: I never should have let you go!
Rachel: No, I mean we're still lying on the floor and you're holding me.
Ross: Oh, right...
(They get up. Rachel shudders with disgust that Ross was touching her.)
Ross: So, are we back together yet?
Rachel: Urgh, Ross...
(Rachel walks over to Joey and sticks her tongue down his throat. Studio audience blink back into existence and explode again.)
Joey: How'm I doin'!
Ross: No. NOOOOOOO! I was going to make a cum tribute to you, and you do this! This is worse than the multiple times I slept with the guy from the copy place! I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! I'll...ACK!
(Ross looks in pain for a moment then falls forward, dead. There is a huge knife sticking out of his back. Phoebe is standing there. She shrugs.)
Phoebe: Should have answered my question about the moon.
Chandler: Phoebe, I approve, but you'll best arrested!
Rachel: Not unless...we get rid of the body...
Joey: But how!
Monica: We could eat him!
Rachel Mon, you want an excuse to get fat again! Eating your brother's corpse to cover up his murder is not a good enough reason to...
Monica(mouth full of Ross flesh): ...sorry, wasn't listening!
(They all shrug and begin consuming Ross. We see something looking in the window. It is Marcel the monkey. There is anger in his eyes.)