CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Commander Riker, Worf, Troi, Geordi, Data and Crush are playing poker together. Riker is winning.)
Geordi: Guess there's no beating you, Commander!
Riker: Guess you just can't SEE yourself beating me.
Geordi: ...what.
Data: I believe Commander Riker is referencing your lack of visual perception, Geordi. A cruel jibe.
Geordi: Thnaks Data, I think I got it.
Riker: Can't you turn your autism chip off, you metal melt?
Troi: Will! What's gotten into you!
Riker: Well we know what's gotten into you, Deanna. Worf's cock.
Worf: RRRRRRRRR.
Riker: Hey Doctor Beverly, you boring bitch, why don't you tell Troi she's going to be fucking crotch crippled soon.
Crusher: That isn't true, Will, but I think maybe you should come to Sickbay for some scans.
Riker: Back off, Bev! You just want to get my clothes off again, like when you fucked that Trill just because it was in my body.
Troi: Will, I'm sensing that your mind is deepy troubled...
Riker: NO SHIT.
(Riker stands up and throws the poker table over.)
Riker: We just found a lost ship in a fucking spaghetti nebula with EIGHT HUNDRED dead forehead aliens on board. And none of you cunts care? They weren't human so their lives don't matter? TIME TO PLAY SOME FUCKING POKER?
Worf: Space is dark and fraught with danger. Those without the stomach for it should stay at home.
Riker: You love death don't you, you sick bastard? You're not even a real Klingon! You were raised by humans, fucking white chicks in the backseat of your dumbass Russian parents' car. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT.
Geordi: We've seen entire civilisations wiped out before, Will...
Riker: You were on the away team, Geordi! You saw the children! THE DEAD ALIEN CHILDREN. I should slap that VISOR off your ugly face!
Data: Commander, you are going too far. Geordi is beautiful.
Riker: Want me to fuck your off switch so hard you never wake up again, robot? No? THEN SHUT UP.
Deanna: Will...
(She reaches out to him.)
Riker: RARGH!
(He pushes her away. Worf lunges at Riker.)
Worf: You have gone too far! I'll show you how I fucked those white women...
Riker: Computer, beam me to Holodeck four.
(Riker is beamed away just as Worf tries to punch him. He fist passes safely through the transporter beam.)
Worf: Coward!
Troi: Something is seriously wrong with him. We have to tell the Captain...
(Riker arrives on holodeck four.)
Riker: Computer, give me something to FUCK.
(Naked women of various species appear before him. Riker looks aroused for a moment, then grows angry.)
Riker: Why'd you put aliens in there? Didn't you hear? Alien lives don't matter! They don't count! Can't fuck SUBHUMAN SCUM. Give me human women only, computer. With big fucking tits. A HUNDRED OF THEM. A HUNDRED WOMEN, THAT IS, NOT A HUNDRED TITS. THERE SHOULD BE TWO HUNDRED TITS.
(A hundred naked human women of various ethnicities appear on the Holodeck. They all have big breasts. Riker smiles broadly.)
Riker: Niiiiiiice!
(He walks up and down inspecting the holograms as they giggle.)
Riker: But make 50% of the women black. You know what I like!
(Several of the holograms disappear and are replaced by large-breasted black women.)
Riker: And fuck it, get rid of all the white women. They're fucking boring! Except the gingers, leave those. And that one who looks like Deanna.
(All but the two ginger white women and one who looks like Deanna are replaced by other holograms.)
Riker: ...and make one of the gingers look like Beverly.
(The Holodeck complies.)
Riker: Now, let's make this even better. Make all of their tits even bigger. BUT NOT TOO BIG, DAMN YOU. I don't want fucking sagging! I want big, PERKY, NATURAL TITS. If they look fake, you're doing it wrong! Make them as big as possible without them going all saggy.MILD SAGGING IS ACCEPTABLE. BUT NOT TOO MUCH. BUT NATURAL. WITHIN THE LIMITS OF NATURE. You know what I like, computer!
(On the Bridge, Ro is looking at some readings.)
Ro: Captain, there's a huge power surge coming from Holodeck 4. It seems someone is making some very specific demands of the computer and it's really taxing our systems.
(Picard walks over and looks at the readings.)
Picard: Why, I haven't seen a power surge like that since I asked the Holodeck to create...well, I best not say.
(Troi, Data and Geordi walk onto the Bridge.)
Troi: It's Commander Riker, sir. I think he was infected by something on that ship with the eight hundred dead aliens. It's made him very angry.
Picard: And horny, going by these readings. Well, we have to go to the Holodeck and help him.
Data: Worf and Doctor Crusher are already on their way, but I anticipate that Commander Riker will have sealed the door...
Worf (over comms): Lt. Worf here. Commander Riker has sealed the door to Holodeck 4. I can hear loud sex noises from within.
Picard: Damn it. We have to get in there before he fucks himself to death. Geordi, build a giant drill.
Geordi: Aye, Captain.
Data: I will assist you, Geordi. I want to know what Commander Riker meant about my "autism chip"...
(On the Holodeck, Riker is rolling around on the hundred women, bouncing off their tits.)
Riker: HAHAHAHAHA! THIS IS IT. THIS IS ALL LIFE SHOULD EVER BE. FUCK CARING ABOUT ANYTHING. FUCK EVERYONE BUT ME! We're a post scarcity society, why the FUCK are we out here in space DYING FOR NOTHING? We should fucking stay on Earth, GORGING oursleves on the best food we can replciate, AND CUMMING NON STOP IN HOLODECKS ALL OVER THE LAND. THE WHOLE FUCKING PLANET SHOULD BE COVERED IN NOTHING BUT HOLODECKS. ALL OF EARTH SHOULD BE FUCKING CONSTANTLY. And it's FINE to fuck holograms of people you know, OKAY. AND IT'S FINE TO FUCK HOLOGROMS OF MUCH YOUNGER PEOPLE, BECAUSE IT'S NOT REAL. NOTHING IS FUCKING REAL ANYMORE. THIS IS ALL THERE IS. We shouldn't know about dead aliens. We shouldn'y know...
FOUR HOURS LATER
(Geordi's drill is finally ready. He and Data drill through the Holodeck door, as Picard, Troi and Worf watch.)
Data: Holographic matter is getting in the way now. The holodeck is stuffed full with it.
Geordi: Keep drilling, Data...
(Holographic breasts fly everywhere as the drill struggles to get through. Finally a path is opened. The entire Holodeck is full of naked women with huge breasts. Riker is in the middle of them. He does not appear to be breathing. He is smiling.)
Troi: I'm not sensing anything from him. My God...he's dead!
Picard; BEAM HIM TO SICKBAY RIGHT THIS MINTUE. ME TOO.
(Riker is beamed to Sickbay. Crusher is shocked. Picard is beamed in too.)
Crusher: He fucked himself to death...
Picard: Can you do anything for him?
Crusher: Wait a mintue...the transporter buffer! It keeps a copy of your consciousness for 72 hours, and Will used it beaming too and from the alien ship. If we take his brain pattersn from BEFORE he was infected by the alien nihilsm and shagging virus and beam that into his dead body, he should wake up and be perfectly normal again, like none of this ever happened.
Picard: The implications of this technology are staggering. We could use the it to cure death itself...
Crusher: No, we can only use it in situations like this. The transporter won't let us use it to cure normal death. Only weird alien death. It's a safety feature.
Picard: How about it my consciousness was beamed into some kind of immortal robot body...
Crusher: Don't be silly! Anyway, we better fucking cure Will before his brain rots away completely. I'll beam in a new copy of his crotch too. He fucking wore it out!
(Crusher fixes Riker. He wakes up.)
Picard: What do you remember, WIll?
Riker: I was about to beam over to that alien ship we found.
Picard: Will, that was yesterday.
Riker: Well, what happened? Were the aliens okay?
Picard: ...sure, WIll.
Riker: Why does my crotch feels so funny?
(Picard and Crusher make comedic "don't ask us" faces. Cut to Data's quarters. He is holding a screwdriver to his own head.)
Data: Once this autism chip is removed, I will finally understand huamnity...
(He james the screwdriver straight into his positronic brain. Then smiles.)
Data: I understand now. I understand everything.
(He stands up. We see he has a huge erection through his uniform.)
Data: Data's got a brand new bag...
TO BE CONTINUED?
Geordi: Guess there's no beating you, Commander!
Riker: Guess you just can't SEE yourself beating me.
Geordi: ...what.
Data: I believe Commander Riker is referencing your lack of visual perception, Geordi. A cruel jibe.
Geordi: Thnaks Data, I think I got it.
Riker: Can't you turn your autism chip off, you metal melt?
Troi: Will! What's gotten into you!
Riker: Well we know what's gotten into you, Deanna. Worf's cock.
Worf: RRRRRRRRR.
Riker: Hey Doctor Beverly, you boring bitch, why don't you tell Troi she's going to be fucking crotch crippled soon.
Crusher: That isn't true, Will, but I think maybe you should come to Sickbay for some scans.
Riker: Back off, Bev! You just want to get my clothes off again, like when you fucked that Trill just because it was in my body.
Troi: Will, I'm sensing that your mind is deepy troubled...
Riker: NO SHIT.
(Riker stands up and throws the poker table over.)
Riker: We just found a lost ship in a fucking spaghetti nebula with EIGHT HUNDRED dead forehead aliens on board. And none of you cunts care? They weren't human so their lives don't matter? TIME TO PLAY SOME FUCKING POKER?
Worf: Space is dark and fraught with danger. Those without the stomach for it should stay at home.
Riker: You love death don't you, you sick bastard? You're not even a real Klingon! You were raised by humans, fucking white chicks in the backseat of your dumbass Russian parents' car. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT.
Geordi: We've seen entire civilisations wiped out before, Will...
Riker: You were on the away team, Geordi! You saw the children! THE DEAD ALIEN CHILDREN. I should slap that VISOR off your ugly face!
Data: Commander, you are going too far. Geordi is beautiful.
Riker: Want me to fuck your off switch so hard you never wake up again, robot? No? THEN SHUT UP.
Deanna: Will...
(She reaches out to him.)
Riker: RARGH!
(He pushes her away. Worf lunges at Riker.)
Worf: You have gone too far! I'll show you how I fucked those white women...
Riker: Computer, beam me to Holodeck four.
(Riker is beamed away just as Worf tries to punch him. He fist passes safely through the transporter beam.)
Worf: Coward!
Troi: Something is seriously wrong with him. We have to tell the Captain...
(Riker arrives on holodeck four.)
Riker: Computer, give me something to FUCK.
(Naked women of various species appear before him. Riker looks aroused for a moment, then grows angry.)
Riker: Why'd you put aliens in there? Didn't you hear? Alien lives don't matter! They don't count! Can't fuck SUBHUMAN SCUM. Give me human women only, computer. With big fucking tits. A HUNDRED OF THEM. A HUNDRED WOMEN, THAT IS, NOT A HUNDRED TITS. THERE SHOULD BE TWO HUNDRED TITS.
(A hundred naked human women of various ethnicities appear on the Holodeck. They all have big breasts. Riker smiles broadly.)
Riker: Niiiiiiice!
(He walks up and down inspecting the holograms as they giggle.)
Riker: But make 50% of the women black. You know what I like!
(Several of the holograms disappear and are replaced by large-breasted black women.)
Riker: And fuck it, get rid of all the white women. They're fucking boring! Except the gingers, leave those. And that one who looks like Deanna.
(All but the two ginger white women and one who looks like Deanna are replaced by other holograms.)
Riker: ...and make one of the gingers look like Beverly.
(The Holodeck complies.)
Riker: Now, let's make this even better. Make all of their tits even bigger. BUT NOT TOO BIG, DAMN YOU. I don't want fucking sagging! I want big, PERKY, NATURAL TITS. If they look fake, you're doing it wrong! Make them as big as possible without them going all saggy.MILD SAGGING IS ACCEPTABLE. BUT NOT TOO MUCH. BUT NATURAL. WITHIN THE LIMITS OF NATURE. You know what I like, computer!
(On the Bridge, Ro is looking at some readings.)
Ro: Captain, there's a huge power surge coming from Holodeck 4. It seems someone is making some very specific demands of the computer and it's really taxing our systems.
(Picard walks over and looks at the readings.)
Picard: Why, I haven't seen a power surge like that since I asked the Holodeck to create...well, I best not say.
(Troi, Data and Geordi walk onto the Bridge.)
Troi: It's Commander Riker, sir. I think he was infected by something on that ship with the eight hundred dead aliens. It's made him very angry.
Picard: And horny, going by these readings. Well, we have to go to the Holodeck and help him.
Data: Worf and Doctor Crusher are already on their way, but I anticipate that Commander Riker will have sealed the door...
Worf (over comms): Lt. Worf here. Commander Riker has sealed the door to Holodeck 4. I can hear loud sex noises from within.
Picard: Damn it. We have to get in there before he fucks himself to death. Geordi, build a giant drill.
Geordi: Aye, Captain.
Data: I will assist you, Geordi. I want to know what Commander Riker meant about my "autism chip"...
(On the Holodeck, Riker is rolling around on the hundred women, bouncing off their tits.)
Riker: HAHAHAHAHA! THIS IS IT. THIS IS ALL LIFE SHOULD EVER BE. FUCK CARING ABOUT ANYTHING. FUCK EVERYONE BUT ME! We're a post scarcity society, why the FUCK are we out here in space DYING FOR NOTHING? We should fucking stay on Earth, GORGING oursleves on the best food we can replciate, AND CUMMING NON STOP IN HOLODECKS ALL OVER THE LAND. THE WHOLE FUCKING PLANET SHOULD BE COVERED IN NOTHING BUT HOLODECKS. ALL OF EARTH SHOULD BE FUCKING CONSTANTLY. And it's FINE to fuck holograms of people you know, OKAY. AND IT'S FINE TO FUCK HOLOGROMS OF MUCH YOUNGER PEOPLE, BECAUSE IT'S NOT REAL. NOTHING IS FUCKING REAL ANYMORE. THIS IS ALL THERE IS. We shouldn't know about dead aliens. We shouldn'y know...
FOUR HOURS LATER
(Geordi's drill is finally ready. He and Data drill through the Holodeck door, as Picard, Troi and Worf watch.)
Data: Holographic matter is getting in the way now. The holodeck is stuffed full with it.
Geordi: Keep drilling, Data...
(Holographic breasts fly everywhere as the drill struggles to get through. Finally a path is opened. The entire Holodeck is full of naked women with huge breasts. Riker is in the middle of them. He does not appear to be breathing. He is smiling.)
Troi: I'm not sensing anything from him. My God...he's dead!
Picard; BEAM HIM TO SICKBAY RIGHT THIS MINTUE. ME TOO.
(Riker is beamed to Sickbay. Crusher is shocked. Picard is beamed in too.)
Crusher: He fucked himself to death...
Picard: Can you do anything for him?
Crusher: Wait a mintue...the transporter buffer! It keeps a copy of your consciousness for 72 hours, and Will used it beaming too and from the alien ship. If we take his brain pattersn from BEFORE he was infected by the alien nihilsm and shagging virus and beam that into his dead body, he should wake up and be perfectly normal again, like none of this ever happened.
Picard: The implications of this technology are staggering. We could use the it to cure death itself...
Crusher: No, we can only use it in situations like this. The transporter won't let us use it to cure normal death. Only weird alien death. It's a safety feature.
Picard: How about it my consciousness was beamed into some kind of immortal robot body...
Crusher: Don't be silly! Anyway, we better fucking cure Will before his brain rots away completely. I'll beam in a new copy of his crotch too. He fucking wore it out!
(Crusher fixes Riker. He wakes up.)
Picard: What do you remember, WIll?
Riker: I was about to beam over to that alien ship we found.
Picard: Will, that was yesterday.
Riker: Well, what happened? Were the aliens okay?
Picard: ...sure, WIll.
Riker: Why does my crotch feels so funny?
(Picard and Crusher make comedic "don't ask us" faces. Cut to Data's quarters. He is holding a screwdriver to his own head.)
Data: Once this autism chip is removed, I will finally understand huamnity...
(He james the screwdriver straight into his positronic brain. Then smiles.)
Data: I understand now. I understand everything.
(He stands up. We see he has a huge erection through his uniform.)
Data: Data's got a brand new bag...
TO BE CONTINUED?
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