CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"A man walks into a bar," he said, as he walked into the bar for the stand-up comedy open mic night. He was, of course, nervous as hell, but he was good at hiding it on on the outside. He walked straight up onto stage.
"Hello everybody! I'm here to make you all LAUGH OUT LOUD with my deformed body and lack of social skills!" he began.
"Stand-up doesn't start for an hour yet," said the barman.
"Well who can wait that long! Wokka wokka!"
"Get off the stage, jackass," said the barman. He did not look the type to suffer fools gladly.
"Then again, who DOES suffer fools gladly?" asked the comedian, to anyone listening.
"What? GET OFF THE STAGE!" repeated the barman.
"No, seriously, where does that phrase come from? Is it Shakespeare?"
"Just get down!"
"See, really, it's a strange phrase. Doesn't suffer fools gladly...who does? Who is actually GLAD to be suffering at the hands of a fool and their foolishness? Not me! Not my ASS, that's for sure. Can I say that? Can I say ASS? Can I say TITS? Can I say HITLER IS BETTER THAN THE POPE, UP THE HITLER, WHOO, NAZISM FOR FUCKING LIFE, HITLER IS JUST TOO SUH-WEET? Can I see that? Asshole? CAN I FUCKING SAY THAT? ######-NUTS? CAN I? CAN I,FUCKNOSE? CAN I, ASS DETECTIVE? YOU FUCKING DETECT ASSES WITH YOUR NOSE. YOU SNIFF THEM OUT. THEN STICK YOUR HEAD UP THEM. YOU STICK YOUR FAT HEAD UP ASSES AND WALK AROUND ALL DAY WITH THAT PERSON TRAPPED, TRAPPED ON YOUR HEAD, UNABLE TO REMOVE IT FROM THEIR ASS, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO. FUCK OFF! I DIDN'T DIE IN WORLD WAR TWO SO YOU COULD PULL SHIT LIKE THAT!"
Deathly silence.
"Oh, you don't like that one? Well, how about a knock knock joke, you ghosts/ KNOCK KNOCK. WHO'S THERE. YOUR EX WIFE. YOUR EX WIFE WHO? YOUR EX WIFE WHO CHEATED ON YOU WITH YOUR BROTHER AND RUINED YOUR FUCKING LIFE TEN YEARS AGO, THAT'S WHO, ASSHOLE! CUNT! MEEP MEEP! RAPE! DONKEYS. YEAH, PHONE THE COPS, ASSHOLE. PHONE THEM AND TELL THEM THAT I'VE GOT A GUN!"
He pulled out a gun.
"I didn't...I didn't recognise you," said his brother, the barman. "It's been so long...ten years...you look so different, so...just put the gun down."
"YOU RUINED MY ASS LIFE, YOU CUNT."
"I'm sorry...oh God, what have you done to yourself...those scars on your face, on your arms..."
"HAHAHAHA!"
"Put the gun down."
"How about I put the BULLETS down...IN YOUR DICK!"
"No..no..."
"HAHAHA!"
He stuck the gun into his own mouth and pulled the trigger.
Of course, it wasn't loaded.
"Oh, I forgot to buy bullets. My wife always bought the bullets for me. SEE? THAT'S THE MOTHERFUCKING PUNCHLINE? WOKKA WOOKA! RAPE A NIGGA!"
He jumped off the stage and ran away.
"Hello everybody! I'm here to make you all LAUGH OUT LOUD with my deformed body and lack of social skills!" he began.
"Stand-up doesn't start for an hour yet," said the barman.
"Well who can wait that long! Wokka wokka!"
"Get off the stage, jackass," said the barman. He did not look the type to suffer fools gladly.
"Then again, who DOES suffer fools gladly?" asked the comedian, to anyone listening.
"What? GET OFF THE STAGE!" repeated the barman.
"No, seriously, where does that phrase come from? Is it Shakespeare?"
"Just get down!"
"See, really, it's a strange phrase. Doesn't suffer fools gladly...who does? Who is actually GLAD to be suffering at the hands of a fool and their foolishness? Not me! Not my ASS, that's for sure. Can I say that? Can I say ASS? Can I say TITS? Can I say HITLER IS BETTER THAN THE POPE, UP THE HITLER, WHOO, NAZISM FOR FUCKING LIFE, HITLER IS JUST TOO SUH-WEET? Can I see that? Asshole? CAN I FUCKING SAY THAT? ######-NUTS? CAN I? CAN I,FUCKNOSE? CAN I, ASS DETECTIVE? YOU FUCKING DETECT ASSES WITH YOUR NOSE. YOU SNIFF THEM OUT. THEN STICK YOUR HEAD UP THEM. YOU STICK YOUR FAT HEAD UP ASSES AND WALK AROUND ALL DAY WITH THAT PERSON TRAPPED, TRAPPED ON YOUR HEAD, UNABLE TO REMOVE IT FROM THEIR ASS, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO. FUCK OFF! I DIDN'T DIE IN WORLD WAR TWO SO YOU COULD PULL SHIT LIKE THAT!"
Deathly silence.
"Oh, you don't like that one? Well, how about a knock knock joke, you ghosts/ KNOCK KNOCK. WHO'S THERE. YOUR EX WIFE. YOUR EX WIFE WHO? YOUR EX WIFE WHO CHEATED ON YOU WITH YOUR BROTHER AND RUINED YOUR FUCKING LIFE TEN YEARS AGO, THAT'S WHO, ASSHOLE! CUNT! MEEP MEEP! RAPE! DONKEYS. YEAH, PHONE THE COPS, ASSHOLE. PHONE THEM AND TELL THEM THAT I'VE GOT A GUN!"
He pulled out a gun.
"I didn't...I didn't recognise you," said his brother, the barman. "It's been so long...ten years...you look so different, so...just put the gun down."
"YOU RUINED MY ASS LIFE, YOU CUNT."
"I'm sorry...oh God, what have you done to yourself...those scars on your face, on your arms..."
"HAHAHAHA!"
"Put the gun down."
"How about I put the BULLETS down...IN YOUR DICK!"
"No..no..."
"HAHAHA!"
He stuck the gun into his own mouth and pulled the trigger.
Of course, it wasn't loaded.
"Oh, I forgot to buy bullets. My wife always bought the bullets for me. SEE? THAT'S THE MOTHERFUCKING PUNCHLINE? WOKKA WOOKA! RAPE A NIGGA!"
He jumped off the stage and ran away.
