CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"Fool of a Baggins!" said Tom, looking up at Treebeard and the Ents. "You can't trust the tree people! I'LL KILL YOU!"
"Hroom hroom, much too hasty, little orc," said Treebeard.
"I'm not an Orc you blind old full! It's me, Tom, you dick. I used to walk through your forest at the beginning of all things!"
"Hroom hroom, are you sure?" asked Treedbeard, looking closer. "Old Tom? But you are so different..."
"It's really him," said Bilbo. "Honest."
"Hoom. So full of hate. Hooo," said Treebeard, obviously in shock.
"Fucking hypocrite," said Tom. "I heard what you did at Helm's Router, Treebeard."
"I did what needed to be done," said Treebeard.
"SO DID I!" shouted Tom. "SO DID FUCKING I. And now I will rule this sorry world because you NEED ME."
"Don't be a fool!" said Bilbo. "There are Ents from here to Buckleberry, it's over!"
"Ha!" said Tom, looking round. "There are trolls from here to the Barrow Downs. It's over alright...FOR YOU!"
The battle begun. It was terrible and fierece. Tom loved every minute of it. Even when his trolls were dying the bloodlust was still in his eyes. Bilbo looked at him in deep dispair. He was broken. He'd never be the merry Tom Bombadil of old. The only option...was to kill him. Bilbo looked at Sting. It glowed blue, of course, for there was danger all around. Bilbo wished he had given Sting to Frodo at Rivendell. Maybe everything would have turned out differently then. He slowly approached Tom from behind.
Meanwhile, Treebeard directed his troops. Many Ents had died in the war, yet still many remained, some of whome who hadn't fought in the war, who had slumbered for centuries but only been awakened by the sound of battle. They all moved so fast despite being so close to trees. The trolls were shocked by the onslaught and drew back into the Barrow Downs. There they took great stains from the ground and hurled them at the Ents, but to little effect. The Ents twisted and slammed the trolls to the ground. Yet the great troll leader YURGLE fought on.
"Keep fighting, boys!" he said. "Remember, we get to rape the shit out of Goldberry after all this." That drove Treebeard into a frenzy. For though he had never admitted it, in the old days he had been in love with Goldberry and had watched her as she bathed in the river, but he had never spoken to her, as he was married to an Entwife, and then Goldberry had left to be with Tom. But the love was still there.
He yanked Yurgle's head clean off and threw it a mile away. The battle ended in that moment.
Bilbo placed Sting at Tom's throat.
"You were the chosen one!" he cried. "You were supposed to bring balance to nature, not become a ruthless dictator!"
"The only dick here is YOU," said Tom. "I still have one ally left yet, you fool!" It was then that Farmer Maggot struck Bilbo from behind with his shovel.
"Arr," said Maggot.
"You did good, Maggot," said Tom. Then he shot Maggot dead on the spot. "But I'm no friend to hobbits now."
Bilbo looked up as Tom stood above him, gun pointed at Bilbo's face. "Please...try to remember who you were," said Bilbo.
"Doesn't matter," said Tom. "All I know is who I am now. I'm Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo, bitch. Any last words?"
"Yes," said Bilbo. "THE EAGLES ARE COMING, THE EAGLES ARE COMING!" Tom looked up in time to see the great eagle swooping down. He tried to shoot it, but he was disarmed by the lazer beams shooting from the eagles eyes.
)________________--
WOO WOO WOO 250TH THING EVER WHO EVER THOUGHTW E'DG ETH THAT ARL OL I DID BECASUE I'm EMTNALLY ILL AS FUCK AND I EAT DEAD SPIDERS
"Hroom hroom, much too hasty, little orc," said Treebeard.
"I'm not an Orc you blind old full! It's me, Tom, you dick. I used to walk through your forest at the beginning of all things!"
"Hroom hroom, are you sure?" asked Treedbeard, looking closer. "Old Tom? But you are so different..."
"It's really him," said Bilbo. "Honest."
"Hoom. So full of hate. Hooo," said Treebeard, obviously in shock.
"Fucking hypocrite," said Tom. "I heard what you did at Helm's Router, Treebeard."
"I did what needed to be done," said Treebeard.
"SO DID I!" shouted Tom. "SO DID FUCKING I. And now I will rule this sorry world because you NEED ME."
"Don't be a fool!" said Bilbo. "There are Ents from here to Buckleberry, it's over!"
"Ha!" said Tom, looking round. "There are trolls from here to the Barrow Downs. It's over alright...FOR YOU!"
The battle begun. It was terrible and fierece. Tom loved every minute of it. Even when his trolls were dying the bloodlust was still in his eyes. Bilbo looked at him in deep dispair. He was broken. He'd never be the merry Tom Bombadil of old. The only option...was to kill him. Bilbo looked at Sting. It glowed blue, of course, for there was danger all around. Bilbo wished he had given Sting to Frodo at Rivendell. Maybe everything would have turned out differently then. He slowly approached Tom from behind.
Meanwhile, Treebeard directed his troops. Many Ents had died in the war, yet still many remained, some of whome who hadn't fought in the war, who had slumbered for centuries but only been awakened by the sound of battle. They all moved so fast despite being so close to trees. The trolls were shocked by the onslaught and drew back into the Barrow Downs. There they took great stains from the ground and hurled them at the Ents, but to little effect. The Ents twisted and slammed the trolls to the ground. Yet the great troll leader YURGLE fought on.
"Keep fighting, boys!" he said. "Remember, we get to rape the shit out of Goldberry after all this." That drove Treebeard into a frenzy. For though he had never admitted it, in the old days he had been in love with Goldberry and had watched her as she bathed in the river, but he had never spoken to her, as he was married to an Entwife, and then Goldberry had left to be with Tom. But the love was still there.
He yanked Yurgle's head clean off and threw it a mile away. The battle ended in that moment.
Bilbo placed Sting at Tom's throat.
"You were the chosen one!" he cried. "You were supposed to bring balance to nature, not become a ruthless dictator!"
"The only dick here is YOU," said Tom. "I still have one ally left yet, you fool!" It was then that Farmer Maggot struck Bilbo from behind with his shovel.
"Arr," said Maggot.
"You did good, Maggot," said Tom. Then he shot Maggot dead on the spot. "But I'm no friend to hobbits now."
Bilbo looked up as Tom stood above him, gun pointed at Bilbo's face. "Please...try to remember who you were," said Bilbo.
"Doesn't matter," said Tom. "All I know is who I am now. I'm Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo, bitch. Any last words?"
"Yes," said Bilbo. "THE EAGLES ARE COMING, THE EAGLES ARE COMING!" Tom looked up in time to see the great eagle swooping down. He tried to shoot it, but he was disarmed by the lazer beams shooting from the eagles eyes.
)________________--
WOO WOO WOO 250TH THING EVER WHO EVER THOUGHTW E'DG ETH THAT ARL OL I DID BECASUE I'm EMTNALLY ILL AS FUCK AND I EAT DEAD SPIDERS