The Tomtrek
Love Wookiee
That's right, us here at Tomtrek industries have gone to great lengths to bring YOU, THE PEOPLE, the truth about what is really going on at Team Wacky! We sent our top reporter, Tomtrek, to infiltrate Castle Wacky in “The Highlands”, Scotland. I present to you here his full report, unedited.
10:34am
Am making my way up to Castle Wacky. I can already see it in the distance, it appears to be larger than anyone really thought or expected. My plan is to post as a kitten delivery man to gain access to the castle, and then play it by ear from there. For the purpose I have brought a kitten in a box with me to aid my cover.
11:05am
Have gained entrance into Castle Wacky, and into the main hall itself. Security seems to be rather lax, when the man on guard at the gates asking why I was here I just replied “Kitten delivery” and he let me right in, only replying “Kittens are nice.” he seemed to ignore me after that.
Moving on past the gate into the entrance hall, the first thing that struck me was the 10-foot high marble sculpture of Natalie Portman's ears. I don't even want to think how much that cost him, or where they got the money to pay for it. Moving through the entrance hall leads you to the main hall itself, and it is a sight to behold.
At one end of the hall lies Wacky Prime's throne, high up on it's platform with a series of steps leading up to it. He is not the “kind and caring” Wacky Prime the interviews would have you believe, he seems to be a stern, frail old Wacky, lording over his empire as if he were God.
The opposite wall of the main hall is taken up by one, giant screen, displaying various statistics Wacky Prime needs to control his empire. A current listing of the Wacky Hot One Hundred. A listing of the recent Top Tens, and a status on Natalie Portman's pregnancy is just some of the information presented.
Between them, taking up the majority of the hall's floor place, lies the bank of computers that makes up the Team Wacky posting crew. Although I could only see 6 different members at the time, there were still several computers vacant, waiting for their users to add to the Wacky posting syndicate. The members of Team Wacky themselves seemed to be worn-out, soulless husks, busily typing away at posts, MSN conversations, mIRC and Tweets among other things. The members of the “family friendly” Team Wacky are a myth, these soulless drones are the real Team Wacky.
The only real movement on the floor of the hall were from the potential members of Team Wacky, made to wait and serve on the Team members constantly. They dashed around the hall doing the bidding of Wacky prime. At first I thought that there was an obvious look as pain on their faces, but looking close to them it seemed like they were under some form of hypnosis or trance – brainwashing to make them part of the Wacky cult.
11:15am
I managed to start up a brief conversation with one of the members of team Wacky, I believe it was Wacky 9. I asked him what he was working on. “Oh, this is a thread for the Mine Field about how it's possible that all those cats that look like Hitler are actually Hitler as part of a plan by Hitler to reincarnate himself through a large number of cats.”. I asked when we would expect this thread in the Mine Field, and was given a surprising answer: “Oh, well, frankly, probably never. Most of the stuff we come up with here doesn't ever see the light of day. Wacky Prime puts 99% of the threads we write in 'the vault'.”. I asked Wacky 9, who was becoming more and more distressed by the moment, why Wacky Prime does this. “I just don't know. He just says it's for when 'that thing' happens and they will be needed. Then he just sort of looks off into the distance until you go away. I'm not supposed to be saying this, but I think Wacky Prime is starting to lose it. He's not even letting us rank Michelle Trachtenberg high in the top tens any more. There's something different.”
It was at that moment that a large, booming voice appeared over a speaker system embedded in the hall that I had previously failed to notice. “WE NEED A THING OF THE DAY” echoed across the hall, and three separate Wackys, including Wacky 9, busily went to work on a long post about a man named Franky Feet who travelled back in time to tell his younger self to masturbate more. I can no longer get any sort of response from Wacky 9, so I will be moving deeper into the castle to see what I can find.
11:30am
Have found a door which I believe leads up to one of the towers of Castle Wacky. The staircase seems to be very long and very narrow. Will report what I find.
11:38am
Have finally reached the top of the tower. The staircase itself was just a long, cold spiralling nightmare, lit only by the glow of my phone. It's very clear this is a place no one comes to unless they have to. Reaching the top of the stairs I came to a large wooden door, that to my annoyance appeared to be locked tight. Had I come up all this way for nothing? Peering through the small gap in the door let me get a small picture of the room within. It was a small, dark, stone room, lit only from a small gap in the wall letting sunlight in, no bigger than a man's head. At first I thought the room to be empty, but I was shocked to suddenly see moving the very obvious silhouette of a man on the floor, weeping. I strained to make out any detail of the room, and on the far wall I believe I could make out what looked like a crude drawing of Jar-Jar Binks, drawn on faeces smeared on the wall. It is my regrettable conclusion that this is Wacky 6, 'long gong' and forgotten about by Wacky Prime. I now make my way back down the stairs.
11:50am
After making it most of the way down the narrow spiral stairs, I slipped in the darkness and feel the short distance to the door at the bottom, landing on my left arm and causing a great deal of pain. Unfortunately this attracted the attention of one of the guards, who was hurrying towards me. From the distance I could tell that it was one of the potential Wackys, obviously forced into guard duty and fresh from his brainwashing by the Wacky propaganda, as he was shouting such things as “STOP, FUCKNOSE!” and “AGHHSHDHKKSDKKKSKASASDASFFWHATISLIFEAWSASFSOOASG” at me as he approached. I ran as fast as I could away from him, but finding only a dead end. The only option I had was to escape through a nearby window and leap to the ground below. I managed to survive the fall but I think I may have broken my leg in the landing. I can't walk, I definitely can't escape, and the Wacky hunting parties are already out to find me. I've just enough signal to send this report to you but I honestly don't know what will happen afterwards. Tell the world. Team Wacky is not as they appear. I don't know what I saw on that giant screen in the hall but I believe he plans to take this global. So ends my report.
We have not heard from our man in the field since. This report is therefore presented to you, the people of the Mine Field, in his memory.
10:34am
Am making my way up to Castle Wacky. I can already see it in the distance, it appears to be larger than anyone really thought or expected. My plan is to post as a kitten delivery man to gain access to the castle, and then play it by ear from there. For the purpose I have brought a kitten in a box with me to aid my cover.
11:05am
Have gained entrance into Castle Wacky, and into the main hall itself. Security seems to be rather lax, when the man on guard at the gates asking why I was here I just replied “Kitten delivery” and he let me right in, only replying “Kittens are nice.” he seemed to ignore me after that.
Moving on past the gate into the entrance hall, the first thing that struck me was the 10-foot high marble sculpture of Natalie Portman's ears. I don't even want to think how much that cost him, or where they got the money to pay for it. Moving through the entrance hall leads you to the main hall itself, and it is a sight to behold.
At one end of the hall lies Wacky Prime's throne, high up on it's platform with a series of steps leading up to it. He is not the “kind and caring” Wacky Prime the interviews would have you believe, he seems to be a stern, frail old Wacky, lording over his empire as if he were God.
The opposite wall of the main hall is taken up by one, giant screen, displaying various statistics Wacky Prime needs to control his empire. A current listing of the Wacky Hot One Hundred. A listing of the recent Top Tens, and a status on Natalie Portman's pregnancy is just some of the information presented.
Between them, taking up the majority of the hall's floor place, lies the bank of computers that makes up the Team Wacky posting crew. Although I could only see 6 different members at the time, there were still several computers vacant, waiting for their users to add to the Wacky posting syndicate. The members of Team Wacky themselves seemed to be worn-out, soulless husks, busily typing away at posts, MSN conversations, mIRC and Tweets among other things. The members of the “family friendly” Team Wacky are a myth, these soulless drones are the real Team Wacky.
The only real movement on the floor of the hall were from the potential members of Team Wacky, made to wait and serve on the Team members constantly. They dashed around the hall doing the bidding of Wacky prime. At first I thought that there was an obvious look as pain on their faces, but looking close to them it seemed like they were under some form of hypnosis or trance – brainwashing to make them part of the Wacky cult.
11:15am
I managed to start up a brief conversation with one of the members of team Wacky, I believe it was Wacky 9. I asked him what he was working on. “Oh, this is a thread for the Mine Field about how it's possible that all those cats that look like Hitler are actually Hitler as part of a plan by Hitler to reincarnate himself through a large number of cats.”. I asked when we would expect this thread in the Mine Field, and was given a surprising answer: “Oh, well, frankly, probably never. Most of the stuff we come up with here doesn't ever see the light of day. Wacky Prime puts 99% of the threads we write in 'the vault'.”. I asked Wacky 9, who was becoming more and more distressed by the moment, why Wacky Prime does this. “I just don't know. He just says it's for when 'that thing' happens and they will be needed. Then he just sort of looks off into the distance until you go away. I'm not supposed to be saying this, but I think Wacky Prime is starting to lose it. He's not even letting us rank Michelle Trachtenberg high in the top tens any more. There's something different.”
It was at that moment that a large, booming voice appeared over a speaker system embedded in the hall that I had previously failed to notice. “WE NEED A THING OF THE DAY” echoed across the hall, and three separate Wackys, including Wacky 9, busily went to work on a long post about a man named Franky Feet who travelled back in time to tell his younger self to masturbate more. I can no longer get any sort of response from Wacky 9, so I will be moving deeper into the castle to see what I can find.
11:30am
Have found a door which I believe leads up to one of the towers of Castle Wacky. The staircase seems to be very long and very narrow. Will report what I find.
11:38am
Have finally reached the top of the tower. The staircase itself was just a long, cold spiralling nightmare, lit only by the glow of my phone. It's very clear this is a place no one comes to unless they have to. Reaching the top of the stairs I came to a large wooden door, that to my annoyance appeared to be locked tight. Had I come up all this way for nothing? Peering through the small gap in the door let me get a small picture of the room within. It was a small, dark, stone room, lit only from a small gap in the wall letting sunlight in, no bigger than a man's head. At first I thought the room to be empty, but I was shocked to suddenly see moving the very obvious silhouette of a man on the floor, weeping. I strained to make out any detail of the room, and on the far wall I believe I could make out what looked like a crude drawing of Jar-Jar Binks, drawn on faeces smeared on the wall. It is my regrettable conclusion that this is Wacky 6, 'long gong' and forgotten about by Wacky Prime. I now make my way back down the stairs.
11:50am
After making it most of the way down the narrow spiral stairs, I slipped in the darkness and feel the short distance to the door at the bottom, landing on my left arm and causing a great deal of pain. Unfortunately this attracted the attention of one of the guards, who was hurrying towards me. From the distance I could tell that it was one of the potential Wackys, obviously forced into guard duty and fresh from his brainwashing by the Wacky propaganda, as he was shouting such things as “STOP, FUCKNOSE!” and “AGHHSHDHKKSDKKKSKASASDASFFWHATISLIFEAWSASFSOOASG” at me as he approached. I ran as fast as I could away from him, but finding only a dead end. The only option I had was to escape through a nearby window and leap to the ground below. I managed to survive the fall but I think I may have broken my leg in the landing. I can't walk, I definitely can't escape, and the Wacky hunting parties are already out to find me. I've just enough signal to send this report to you but I honestly don't know what will happen afterwards. Tell the world. Team Wacky is not as they appear. I don't know what I saw on that giant screen in the hall but I believe he plans to take this global. So ends my report.
We have not heard from our man in the field since. This report is therefore presented to you, the people of the Mine Field, in his memory.
