CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(A MAN is standing on the ROOF of a BUILDING in CARDIFF. His back is too the camera. He is wearing a LONG LEATHER COAT which is BILLOWING in the wind. He is obviously CAPTAIN JACK.)
Man: What a city...what a pity.
(That is NOT Captain Jack's voice. The camera pans around him and up to his face. It's Spike from Buffy! Time Agent Pike!)
Pike: What a pity I have you burn it to the ground, mate.
(Another man steps onto the roof. It's Captain Jack!)
Jack: A pity indeed...but I support you, Pike.
Pike: Course you do. I give you the horn!
(They start ANGRILY kissing! CUE THEME MUSIC! It's been slightly re-mixed but not enough that anybody who doesn't post on a message board would notice.)
24 HOURS EARLIER
(Insidie the secret TORCHWOOD lair. Xianto is paying a pizza boy.)
Pizza Boy: Thanks for the tip!
Xianto: That's okay, thanks for the pizza! And you know...if you ever want to get in here late at night for...some reason...I'm here all night...and I leave all the doors unlocked.
Pizza Boy: How about I bring an empty box?
(Xianto's face goes red.)
Xianto: Dirty boy!
Tosh: Hey, what age are you?
Pizza Boy: ...got to go!
Xianto: You scared him off with your personal questions!
Tosh: Never mind trying to get laid, we have to find out who has been turning people into vampires!
Xianto: Well, I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest...maybe a vampire?
Gwen: Oh yeah, good suggestion!
Owen: Ha!
(They all look round at Owen, who is cutting up a VAMPIRE CORPSE with a cynical sneer on his face.)
Owen: There's no such fucking thing as vampires, you tart!
Tosh: Oy!
Gwen: Ignore him, he's been acting like a right CUNT ever since I announced me engagement!
Owen: I don't know why you want to marry that fat welsh bastard you cheated on at every opportunity!
Gwen: Because he provides stability!
Owen: You don't need stability, you need STABBED!
Tosh: Oy!
Owen: I shot Jack in the head, remember! I'd do it!
Xianto: Just keep cutting up that corpse you pillock!
Owen: I've finished. It's an altered human, but NOT altered by a vampire, altered by...ALIENS.
Gwen: I can't believe it!
(SUDDENLY, Jack steps into the room and you can hear the TARDIS noises in the background.)
Jack: Well, I'm back! And you know what else is back? My groove! I got my groove back, travelling with the Doctor and Martha! Maybe I'll invite Martha to work here...
Gwen: Is she better looking than me?
Jack: By quite a considerable margin.
Gwen: Then no!
Tosh: Is she better looking than me?
Jack: Honey, Owen's better looking than you and he's a rat-faced bitch!
(They all laugh except Owen.)
Owen: Yeah, while you were running around in the future, vampire aliens killed a lot of people and turned a lot of other people into vampire aliens...who we then killed to stop them killing more people!
Jack: Well, let's get out there and investigate! TEAM, SADDLE UP!
Xianto: AYE SIR.
(They all just stand about for a while.)
Gwen: Umm, we don't usually change our clothes to go out or carry weapons or anything.
Jack: Right, let's go then!
(They all head out in SLOW MOTION trying desperately to recreated the closing shots in the opening credits for Buffy and Angel.)
Jack: These streets have changed since I was last here!
Tosh: It's the vampires, everyone's scared of them...you can smell the fear.
(Jack sniffs in deeply.)
Jack: that's not all I can smell, LOOK OUT!
(A TIME PORTAL opens above them and PIKE falls out upside down. He lands on top of Gwen and then end up lying on the ground in the 69 position.)
Jack: Who the Devil are you?
Pike: I'm Captain James Pike...from 69 years in the future.
Xianto: The head of Torchwood 4! But it was pulled into the future!
Pike: That's right, sexy, and now I'm back...from the future.
Jack: Residual time energy from the TARDIS must have opened up a portal!
Pike: Sounds about right, mate. Who are you?
(He and Jack circle each other, looking each other up and down...then, of course, start to make out like crazy.)
Jack: OH GOD, THIS IS SO GOOD...
Pike: WANK ME OFF, WANK ME OFF!
Owen: Christ, even I'm turned on, PHWOAR!
Gwen: I just messed up my pants!
Xianto: I know what I'll be thinking about when I hump the pizza box tonight!
Tosh: Meh, seen it before.
Pike: Where did you learn to kiss and wank like that?
Jack: The future...I'm from the future too!
Pike: The future, eh? Huh.
(Pike punches Jack in the face.)
Jack: What was that for!?
Pike: You're from the future. People from the future killed my wife. That makes YOU my enemy!
Owen: ...that makes no fucking sense!
(Pike pulls a gun out.)
Pike: What's that I smell...fear! Oh, bloody hell, this could be it!
Gwen: What?
Pike: Technology exists that could bring my wife back...alien technology that feeds off FEAR!
(He pulls out an ALIEN BOX.)
Pike: I can MAGNITUDE that fear...SCARE everyone in this past city to death...and bring my wife back to life!
Owen: Yeah? We'll stop you, git!
Pike: No you won't...
(Pike suddenly jumps into the air and flies away.)
Owen: Fuck!
Jack: I...wow...he's so hot.
Gwen: That's not important...but he is, isn't he? Jack you must stop him!
Jack: If he's a time agent like me, he'll head to the top of the tallest building in Cardiff. I'll meet him there and talk him out of this crazy scheme! You guys stay here and fight the vampires.
Gwen: What vampires?
(Some VAMPIRES jump out.)
Gwen: Oh.
Owen: How will you catch him, MISTER GENIUS? He can fucking fly!
Jack: Oh yeah? SO CAN I.
(Jack jumps into the air. He has HOVER BOOTS on!)
Jack: Little something I stole from the TARDIS!
(He flies off after Pike. He finds him on the roof of the building from the pre-titles scene.)
Pike: Have you come to stop me?
Jack: No...I've come to help you.
Pike: Course you have...I give you the horn!
(They start making out like in the pre-titles scene, even though the dialogue was slightly different. MEANWHILE, in the alleyway.)
Gwen: Ah, they're everywhere!
Tosh: One just bit my long coat!
Owen: JUST KEEP FUCKING KICKING THEM!
(They keeping kicking the vampires. One catches Gwen's foot in its mouth and bites down. She falls back, apparently dead.)
Xianto: GWEN!
(Owen bends over Gwen's body...and starts removing her pants.)
Tosh: Owen, what are you doing?
Owen: I haven't been laid in three fucking days...do you have any idea how frustrating that is?
Tosh: I haven't been laid in three weeks! And that was with Xianto so it doesnt' count!
Xianto: hey!
Owen: It's different for you, you're ugly...I'm pretty hot! MUST...HAVE...SEX...
Xianto: It's the vampires, they've somehow telepathically turned Owne into a sex vampire!
Owen: Uhh, sure.
Tosh: FIGHT IT OWEN!
(Suddenly Gwen sits up with FANGS. She's a vampire!)
Gwen: BLAH!
(Meanwhile, on the roof.)
Jack: It was when you told the story of your wife...how pure the love between you was...I realised I had to help you, to make that love live again in the future...even if it means killing four million people in the past.
Pike: You are a good man, mate. Maybe me, you and my wife could have a threesome.
Jack: Sure, I'm going to live forever, 69 years is nothing to wait!
(Pike turns a switch on his ALIEN BOX and everyone below starts screaming in fear.)
Pike: All be over soon.
Jack: If only there was another way.
Pike: Yeah, but this is the only way. It's too bad...hang on....bloody hell, they're all turning into vampires!
Jack: The fear...that must be what turns people into alien vampires...fear!
Pike: This...this is wrong, mate. Killing them all, scaring them to death, that's one thing...but turning them into vampires...that's too evil! I must reverse it!
Jack: What are you doing?
Pike: GET CLEAR! I have to reverse the polarity...it'll kill everyone on this roof.
Jack: But you'll die!
Pike: It's the only way! I have to die to save these people I was about to kill from a fate worse than death!
Jack: But I love you!
Pike: No you don't. But thanks for saying it. Run along now. I think it's safe to say that school's out for bloody summer.
(Pike pushes Jack off the roof. He plumets down before remembering his rocket boots. Pike reverses the polarity and turns to dust. All the vampires turn back to people.)
Gwen: My head!
Owen: You were a vampire...but you're okay now.
Gwen: Why are my pants off?
Owen: ...Tosh did it.
Tosh: Oy!
Xianto: Oh come on Tosh, everyone knows you're desperate for a bit of muff!
(They all laugh. Jack lands behind them, looking sad.)
Jack: What's so funny?
Gwen: Tosh tried to rape me!
(Jack laughs too, as if nothing happened with Pike.)
Jack: You guys are the greatest!
(They all hug and kiss. Jack stroks Owen's crotch.)
Jack: I saw your hard-on when I flew away, Owen.
Owen: I'm only human!
(They all laugh again. MEANWHILE, in a CONFERENCE ROOM, a businessman is sitting at a table talking on the phone. We can't see his face.)
Man: Yes...yes...so Pike died, did he? Yes...that's great....haha...you are doing a great job. Having a MOLE in Torchwood...it's working out great.
(Pull up to reveal it's ALAN DALE.)
Alan Dale: Everything is going exactly as I planned it.
THE END
Man: What a city...what a pity.
(That is NOT Captain Jack's voice. The camera pans around him and up to his face. It's Spike from Buffy! Time Agent Pike!)
Pike: What a pity I have you burn it to the ground, mate.
(Another man steps onto the roof. It's Captain Jack!)
Jack: A pity indeed...but I support you, Pike.
Pike: Course you do. I give you the horn!
(They start ANGRILY kissing! CUE THEME MUSIC! It's been slightly re-mixed but not enough that anybody who doesn't post on a message board would notice.)
24 HOURS EARLIER
(Insidie the secret TORCHWOOD lair. Xianto is paying a pizza boy.)
Pizza Boy: Thanks for the tip!
Xianto: That's okay, thanks for the pizza! And you know...if you ever want to get in here late at night for...some reason...I'm here all night...and I leave all the doors unlocked.
Pizza Boy: How about I bring an empty box?
(Xianto's face goes red.)
Xianto: Dirty boy!
Tosh: Hey, what age are you?
Pizza Boy: ...got to go!
Xianto: You scared him off with your personal questions!
Tosh: Never mind trying to get laid, we have to find out who has been turning people into vampires!
Xianto: Well, I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest...maybe a vampire?
Gwen: Oh yeah, good suggestion!
Owen: Ha!
(They all look round at Owen, who is cutting up a VAMPIRE CORPSE with a cynical sneer on his face.)
Owen: There's no such fucking thing as vampires, you tart!
Tosh: Oy!
Gwen: Ignore him, he's been acting like a right CUNT ever since I announced me engagement!
Owen: I don't know why you want to marry that fat welsh bastard you cheated on at every opportunity!
Gwen: Because he provides stability!
Owen: You don't need stability, you need STABBED!
Tosh: Oy!
Owen: I shot Jack in the head, remember! I'd do it!
Xianto: Just keep cutting up that corpse you pillock!
Owen: I've finished. It's an altered human, but NOT altered by a vampire, altered by...ALIENS.
Gwen: I can't believe it!
(SUDDENLY, Jack steps into the room and you can hear the TARDIS noises in the background.)
Jack: Well, I'm back! And you know what else is back? My groove! I got my groove back, travelling with the Doctor and Martha! Maybe I'll invite Martha to work here...
Gwen: Is she better looking than me?
Jack: By quite a considerable margin.
Gwen: Then no!
Tosh: Is she better looking than me?
Jack: Honey, Owen's better looking than you and he's a rat-faced bitch!
(They all laugh except Owen.)
Owen: Yeah, while you were running around in the future, vampire aliens killed a lot of people and turned a lot of other people into vampire aliens...who we then killed to stop them killing more people!
Jack: Well, let's get out there and investigate! TEAM, SADDLE UP!
Xianto: AYE SIR.
(They all just stand about for a while.)
Gwen: Umm, we don't usually change our clothes to go out or carry weapons or anything.
Jack: Right, let's go then!
(They all head out in SLOW MOTION trying desperately to recreated the closing shots in the opening credits for Buffy and Angel.)
Jack: These streets have changed since I was last here!
Tosh: It's the vampires, everyone's scared of them...you can smell the fear.
(Jack sniffs in deeply.)
Jack: that's not all I can smell, LOOK OUT!
(A TIME PORTAL opens above them and PIKE falls out upside down. He lands on top of Gwen and then end up lying on the ground in the 69 position.)
Jack: Who the Devil are you?
Pike: I'm Captain James Pike...from 69 years in the future.
Xianto: The head of Torchwood 4! But it was pulled into the future!
Pike: That's right, sexy, and now I'm back...from the future.
Jack: Residual time energy from the TARDIS must have opened up a portal!
Pike: Sounds about right, mate. Who are you?
(He and Jack circle each other, looking each other up and down...then, of course, start to make out like crazy.)
Jack: OH GOD, THIS IS SO GOOD...
Pike: WANK ME OFF, WANK ME OFF!
Owen: Christ, even I'm turned on, PHWOAR!
Gwen: I just messed up my pants!
Xianto: I know what I'll be thinking about when I hump the pizza box tonight!
Tosh: Meh, seen it before.
Pike: Where did you learn to kiss and wank like that?
Jack: The future...I'm from the future too!
Pike: The future, eh? Huh.
(Pike punches Jack in the face.)
Jack: What was that for!?
Pike: You're from the future. People from the future killed my wife. That makes YOU my enemy!
Owen: ...that makes no fucking sense!
(Pike pulls a gun out.)
Pike: What's that I smell...fear! Oh, bloody hell, this could be it!
Gwen: What?
Pike: Technology exists that could bring my wife back...alien technology that feeds off FEAR!
(He pulls out an ALIEN BOX.)
Pike: I can MAGNITUDE that fear...SCARE everyone in this past city to death...and bring my wife back to life!
Owen: Yeah? We'll stop you, git!
Pike: No you won't...
(Pike suddenly jumps into the air and flies away.)
Owen: Fuck!
Jack: I...wow...he's so hot.
Gwen: That's not important...but he is, isn't he? Jack you must stop him!
Jack: If he's a time agent like me, he'll head to the top of the tallest building in Cardiff. I'll meet him there and talk him out of this crazy scheme! You guys stay here and fight the vampires.
Gwen: What vampires?
(Some VAMPIRES jump out.)
Gwen: Oh.
Owen: How will you catch him, MISTER GENIUS? He can fucking fly!
Jack: Oh yeah? SO CAN I.
(Jack jumps into the air. He has HOVER BOOTS on!)
Jack: Little something I stole from the TARDIS!
(He flies off after Pike. He finds him on the roof of the building from the pre-titles scene.)
Pike: Have you come to stop me?
Jack: No...I've come to help you.
Pike: Course you have...I give you the horn!
(They start making out like in the pre-titles scene, even though the dialogue was slightly different. MEANWHILE, in the alleyway.)
Gwen: Ah, they're everywhere!
Tosh: One just bit my long coat!
Owen: JUST KEEP FUCKING KICKING THEM!
(They keeping kicking the vampires. One catches Gwen's foot in its mouth and bites down. She falls back, apparently dead.)
Xianto: GWEN!
(Owen bends over Gwen's body...and starts removing her pants.)
Tosh: Owen, what are you doing?
Owen: I haven't been laid in three fucking days...do you have any idea how frustrating that is?
Tosh: I haven't been laid in three weeks! And that was with Xianto so it doesnt' count!
Xianto: hey!
Owen: It's different for you, you're ugly...I'm pretty hot! MUST...HAVE...SEX...
Xianto: It's the vampires, they've somehow telepathically turned Owne into a sex vampire!
Owen: Uhh, sure.
Tosh: FIGHT IT OWEN!
(Suddenly Gwen sits up with FANGS. She's a vampire!)
Gwen: BLAH!
(Meanwhile, on the roof.)
Jack: It was when you told the story of your wife...how pure the love between you was...I realised I had to help you, to make that love live again in the future...even if it means killing four million people in the past.
Pike: You are a good man, mate. Maybe me, you and my wife could have a threesome.
Jack: Sure, I'm going to live forever, 69 years is nothing to wait!
(Pike turns a switch on his ALIEN BOX and everyone below starts screaming in fear.)
Pike: All be over soon.
Jack: If only there was another way.
Pike: Yeah, but this is the only way. It's too bad...hang on....bloody hell, they're all turning into vampires!
Jack: The fear...that must be what turns people into alien vampires...fear!
Pike: This...this is wrong, mate. Killing them all, scaring them to death, that's one thing...but turning them into vampires...that's too evil! I must reverse it!
Jack: What are you doing?
Pike: GET CLEAR! I have to reverse the polarity...it'll kill everyone on this roof.
Jack: But you'll die!
Pike: It's the only way! I have to die to save these people I was about to kill from a fate worse than death!
Jack: But I love you!
Pike: No you don't. But thanks for saying it. Run along now. I think it's safe to say that school's out for bloody summer.
(Pike pushes Jack off the roof. He plumets down before remembering his rocket boots. Pike reverses the polarity and turns to dust. All the vampires turn back to people.)
Gwen: My head!
Owen: You were a vampire...but you're okay now.
Gwen: Why are my pants off?
Owen: ...Tosh did it.
Tosh: Oy!
Xianto: Oh come on Tosh, everyone knows you're desperate for a bit of muff!
(They all laugh. Jack lands behind them, looking sad.)
Jack: What's so funny?
Gwen: Tosh tried to rape me!
(Jack laughs too, as if nothing happened with Pike.)
Jack: You guys are the greatest!
(They all hug and kiss. Jack stroks Owen's crotch.)
Jack: I saw your hard-on when I flew away, Owen.
Owen: I'm only human!
(They all laugh again. MEANWHILE, in a CONFERENCE ROOM, a businessman is sitting at a table talking on the phone. We can't see his face.)
Man: Yes...yes...so Pike died, did he? Yes...that's great....haha...you are doing a great job. Having a MOLE in Torchwood...it's working out great.
(Pull up to reveal it's ALAN DALE.)
Alan Dale: Everything is going exactly as I planned it.
THE END
