Torchwood script

[CaptainWacky]

(Jack is showing an alien around Torchwood.)

Jack: Welcome to Torchwood!

Alien: ...this is it?

Jack: Yep, great isn't it?

Alien: There's only like three people here!

(Xianto pops out from behind a bin.)

Xianto: Got any pizza boxes you want me to get rid of?

Alien: What's the point of that guy?

Xianto: Like some tea?

Jack: Xianto is very useful and has many functions.

Xianto: Fancy some sex, sir?

Jack: Yep! We could use a DOOR KNOB this time!

Alien: For what!?

Jack: Something sexy!

Xianto: I used to have sex with my girlfriend before you murdered her, sir.

Jack: ...uhh, yeah.

Xianto: The thing about pizza boxes...they tend to come in pairs.

Jack: Moving on...

Gwen: Hi I'm Gwen Cooper.

Alien: What do you do?

Gwen: I work for Torchwood.

Alien: I know, but what do you do?

Gwen: I work for Torchwood!

Alien: Yes, but...

Jack: Gwen is special. Look at her! Isn't she special! Don't you just love her?

Alien: Not really...

(Gwen starts feeding live mice to giant cat.)

Jack: Hey, don't feed the giant cat you stupid bitch!

Gwen: Sorry Jack!

Jack: That's okay, you're so special!

Owen: Yeah, eSPECIALly in bed!

Jack: That's what you said to me that time!

Alien: Is everyone here bi!?

Toshi: I think I am...let me just snog Gwen for no good reason to find out.

(Toshi and Gwen snog for no good reason.)

Owen: And I'm a rapist but we don't mention that anymore.

Alien: Oh well that's...ah, I'm having a heart attack!

(The alien dies. Dramatic music plays. Toshi starts crying.)

Gwen: Aren't you going to try and revive him?

Jack: Nope.

Gwen: You're just going to let him die?

Jack: THAT'S RIGHT.

Alien: Haha, only joking!

(The alien pulls a STOPWATCH out of his ass!)

Alien: I was just in a coma! Oh and there's something evil in the dark coming for you Jack.

Jack: I hope it's got a big cock!

THE END

 

[Big Dick McGee]

Still haven't watched more than the first three episodes.

 

[CaptainWacky]

All you're missing is stopwatch sex.

 

[Gagh]

Absolutely fan-fucking-tastic! That's summed up the last 4 episodes I've seen!

 

[CaptainWacky]

SNOG ME

 

[Gagh]

CUM! OMG - WATERSHED! WATERSHED!

 

[CaptainWacky]

I'm waiting for a doctor to CUM back (and provide some decent sci-fi entertainment on BBC) AND ORGASM LOL.

 

[headvoid]

Gwen: I'm having a moral dilemma about how bad my script is

Owen: Not that now, quick show a breast, the ratings are slipping

Jack: do you think we shot ourselves in the foot calling ourselves a cult classic?

*Ianto shoots himself in the foot*

Ianto: You made me do that you bastard Jack

Jack: Leave me alone, Anyone for an unconvincing heterosexual scene?

*Gwen groans* Not again Jack, even I'm bored of that.

New Character from Miami Vice

"Too bad she wont live, but then again, robots suck cock!"

 

[CaptainWacky]

Ianto: I just remembered that Jap my girlfriend killed in episode four! We can use the body for sex, sir!

 

[headvoid]

Jack: I killed your girlfriend, dont you remember.

Ianto: When am I going to get angry about that again exactly?

Jack: About episode 7, the scriptwriter will have searched the internets for inspiration, come across a series of threads in "the mine flood" and then changed the script into something decent.

Gwens Boyfriend: Hi, I'm a bit fat and nobody really cares about me

 

[Fuddlemiff]

Ianto: Hi, Gwen's boyfriend. I have a stopwatch! *nudge, nudge*

Gwen's boyfriend: *blink*

 

[CaptainWacky]

Owen: Want me to kill him for you, Gwen?

Gwen: But killing is evil! Isn't it, Jack?

Jack: Is it evil? Or is it no more good or evil than making a cup of tea? What if the cup of tea contained tiny alien life forms? What then, Gwen?

Gwen: I never thought of that!

Owen: Of course you didn't, because it's fucking stupid!

 

[Fuddlemiff]

Gwen's boyfriend: I like blinkin, I do.

 

[CaptainWacky]

No gayness tonight, but an "emotional music" ending with a seemingly non-sensical plot twist on top!

 

[headvoid]

I really dont know how you can still watch it. You suffer for your art dont you?

 

[CaptainWacky]

When does season two start?

 

[whisky]

After christmas I think, give us something to watch inbetween the christmas special and teh start of the new series of Who.

 

[CaptainWacky]

And something to parody!

 

[Fuddlemiff]

Did anybody see the Dead Ringers sketch of it? Their stuff can be very hit and miss, but this particular bit was spot on.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Yeah, it was good.