Wack Mirror

[CaptainWacky]

(Ben is in his office pacing up and down.)

Ben: I can't do this. YOU can't do this, Ben. Tell them you can't do this, Ben. Tell them.

(Louise comes in without knocking.)

Louise: What are you doing?

Ben: I...can't...

Louise: Come on, you have to make sure the lighting is right! This is going to be the biggest night of your career, you don't want to TITS IT UP.

Ben: I didn't ask for this.

Lousie: Of course you bloody didn't. Would have been a pretty weird thing to ask for! But you're producing what's going to be the most watched television event in human history, the execution of...

Ben: Why do THEY even need us? Hmmm? It's just head games! Make us fillm it...it's another layer, Lou! Another layer!

Louise: Oh god, you're one of those conspiracy people on the net, aren't you. What, you think THEY are going to kill us all after the event, don't you? That this is all a test on us. Like a vote, we go ahead with it and we're voting yes to our own destruction.

Ben: Don't call it "the event." You were right before. It's an execution.

Louise: It's the dawn of a new fucking era, Ben! No more death, no more war...

Ben: After one woman is brutally torn apart...

Lousie: She...she'll be a hero...

Ben: You don't really believe that.

Louise: Come on, let's get out there. The lighting won't fix itself.

(They start walking down a CORRIDOR. A YOUNG MAN in a hat walks by.)

Zach: Yo Benny boy, gettin' ready for the big moment, AMS I right, innit! Gonna tear that bitch apart, ain't we!

Ben: Don't talk like that, have some fucking respect.

Zach: Haha, it's all jokes innit, we'll all forget her soon enough when we're immortal, won't we!

(They walk on.)

Ben: See? You see? You think he deserves immortality? This isn't right!

Louise: They explained it...

Ben: Yeah, and it's bullshit. Killing a woman to absolve of us our sins? Like she'll be the new Jesus? Come on! Paradise can't be the result of something so evil...

Lousie: Millions of people die every day...

Ben: I've heard that, yes. But why her?

Louise: You're not...not a fan, are you?

Ben: Of course not! Her acting's terrible, she looks weird, I don't even think she needed those crutches...

Louise: She ruined the Oscars!

Ben: But is that reason enough to kill her?

Louise: It's what THEY want...

(They walk outside. A HUGE ALIEN SPACECRAFT is hanging in the air. Ben looks up at it.)

Ben: And with the thing they've implanted in all our heads we'll all feel it, won't we. We'll feel her death. So why are we even filming it.

Louise: We have to keep records, Ben.

(They walk over to the STAGE. The LIGHTING GUY is adjusting THE LIGHTS. Ben look at his bum.)

Louise: Pervert! Still, it is quite nice...is he gay?

Ben: Sssh, he'll hear!

Lighting Guy: Going to be one Hell of a show, isn't it?

Ben: Yeah...

(He looks up at the stage. The torture chamber in the middle.)

Ben: I just...give me a minute...

Louise: Off for a wank? Haha.

(Ben walks off, talking to himself again.)

Ben: You can't let this happen, Ben. What they say is a lie, this isn't going to lead us to paradise...and even if it is, we don't deserve to live forever if we're willing to do this. Millions die every day, but for the whole planet to sacrifice one like this...it's wrong. You have to stop it, Ben. You have to SAVE KRISTEN STEWART'S LIFE.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Fuddlemiff]

This captured the tone perfectly, right down to the self consciously casual gay reference and Charlie Brooker lingo that no one would really use.

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Ben is staring at the side of the stage. ARROWS pointing UP AND DOWN are painted on the side.)

Ben: Where'd those arrows come from? I don't remember asking for them? Louise?

(He turns round but ZACH is standing there instead of Louise.)

Zach: Alright BRUV! You puttin' on a mad show, innit! That bitch will feel all the pain tonight, innit!

Ben: How can you talk about another human being like that?

Zach: Ah come on, we all talk like that on the internet, innit! We're most honest online, ain't way!

Ben: I don't talk that way on the internet...

Zach: Haha, sure you don't. Just because you is gay don't mean you're better than the rest of us.

Ben: You're going to feel her die, Zach...

Zach: Everyone must die, innit? If we don't kill her the aliens will leave and we'll all die.

Ben: Eventually!

Zach: Eventually, now, the future, it's all the same, bruv, innit! We only mortal unless we change it! Anyway, people die younger than her and she's had a good life! Even now I heard they let R-Patz and that director into her cage to see her, or rather, to give her a seeing to, innit! Bit of the old DOUBLE PENETRATION!

(He crudely mimes double penetration.)

Ben: Urgh.

(Ben starts to walk away but BUMPS into Zach.)

Zach: Easy, bruv! Did I turn you on there? You trying to feel me up innit? Haha, nah mate, it's all jokes innit!

(LATER. Everyone is GATHERED ROUND the stage. Louise is looking for Ben.)

Louise: Where is he?

Ben: I'M HERE.

(Ben is up on the stage.)

Louise: What's going on?

Lighting Guy: Come on, we've got to get ready.

Ben: NO. I've had it. Don't you see how wrong this isn't? Don't you see what you're doing? What they're making us do? They distract us with promises of immortality, with their technology, with their flashy spaceships. It's all glossing over what we'll be after tonight. WE'LL BE KILLERS. Brutal, bloody, murderers! Every single one of us on this planet. You can say we all do worse online, that we all play violent video games where you murder schoolgirls, that well watch torture porn and dream of commiting horrific acts of violence against women. And maybe that's true! But there's a LINE. And if we all let Kristen Stewart be brutally sacrificed to aliens we'll have crossed that line! That's a truth, it's something you can't deny, deep down in your souls. So stop this madness while you still HAVE souls!

Louise: Ben...I'm sorry. LOCK HIM UP.

(SECURITY GUARDS grab Ben and carry him away. They throw him in a cage in a DARK ROOM. There is silence for a moment. Then a WOMAN'S VOICE speaks.)

Woman: Hello?

Ben: It's you, isn't it. Kristen?

Kristen Stewart: Yes! Who are you? Why did they lock you up?

Ben: My name's Ben I'm here to rescue you.

Kristen Stewart: Oh my God! But how can you, you're in a cage too!

Ben: That was part of my plan! Earlier on I swiped the keys from Zach! I knew I'd be locked up after I made my speech. Now is my ONLY CHNACE to save you.

Kristen Stewart: Thank you so much! Please, hurry!

Ben: Umm, R-Parz and that director aren't in there too, are they?

Kristen Stewart: Uhh, I haven't seen another human being for days. Other than when the guards come by to spit on me.

Ben: Oh...

(Ben unlocks his cage then hers.)

Ben: Come on, we can...

(SUDDENLY the lights come on. EVERYONE is standing around in the room, pointing and laughing, like when Leia thinks she's saved Han in Jabba's Palace. There are UP AND DOWN ARROWS painted on the wall.)

Zach: You in the shit now, bruv!

Ben: Oh no! But how! Kirsten, I'm so sorry!

(He turns to Kristen...but SHE starts laughign and pointing too!)

Ben: What!

Louisie: Now it's time for you to find out what's REALLY going on here, Ben...

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Ben: What the fuck! You better explain this shit! The aliens are waiting...

Louise: Hahaha, aliens. Please. This is all about you, Ben. About PUNISHING YOU.

Ben: But...but why?

Louise: You don't remember. Your memory was wiped so that you would suffer. But you know those people saying nasty things about Kristen Stewart online? YOU were the nastiest one of them all!

Kristen: You dickcock!

Ben: I wouldn't do that!

Louise: And it's not just K-Stew. You posted disgusting things about your girlfriend when she dumped you. You thought you could get away with it. But as NEW LAW has been planned and I am the head of the INTERNET POLICE.

Ben: This is...on the internet?

Louise: Of course! The new technology, the implants in our heads, it wasn't the "aliens" that created that, it was us, the internet police. We monitor EVERYTHING you say online. After you made those disgusting comments about your girlfriend there was a vote. UP ARROW to approve of you, DOWN ARROW to punish you. YOU GOT THE MOST DOWN ARROWS EVER.

Kristen: The shame!

(Everyone points.)

Ben: And this is some kind of virtual reality to punish me, a fake life...

Louise: Exactly! Your real name isn't even Ben! We just called you that because it sounds like "MEN" and your punishment is a metaphor for punishing ALL MEN who have said bad things about girls online!

Ben: That's...hang on. Girlfriend? I checked out the hot lighting guy's ass. I'm gay! I wouldn't have a girlfriend. THIS IS ALL A SCAM.

(Everyone looks confused for a moment. BUT THEN Louise LAUGHS.)

Louise: Very good. Now to reveal what's REALLY going on.)

(Everyone else SHATTERS into nothing and only Ben and Louise are left. Then Louise RIPS HER OWN FACE OFF revealing ZACH.)

Ben: Zach!?

Zach: Innit, bruv! You get me? Brrrrr-up!

Ben: So all that stuff about the internet police was bullshit?

Zach: No, man, it was true...except it's YOU who are the internet police! You get me?

Ben: What!

Zach: You tried to install your up and down arrow voting system on my website MAN'S NET. You wanted to punish bros just for being bros!

Ben: But how...

Zach: I'm a master coder, bruv. Put a little trojan in the system, waiting for the internet police. When you tried to censor us, you ended up here in this virtual reality I created to punish you, you get me?

Ben: But why all that stuff with you pretending to be Louise...

Zach: I was showing you the reality YOU want to create with your up and down arrows and your censorship! If I want to complain about my bitch girlfriend or if my bitch girlfriend wants to call for Kristen Stewart's death we should be ALLOWED to, bruv. Free speech is a HUMAN RIGHT. What you're trying to do is a HUMAN WRONG.

Ben: I still don't remember any of this. And why all the stuff with the aliens?

Zach: ...because aliens are cool, innit! Now you will suffer in a Hell of your own creation!

(Ben punches Zach in the nose.)

Ben: Or maybe...YOU will suffer, Zach. Maybe YOU're the one being punished for all the horrible things you've said online. Maybe this scenario is YOUR HELL created by ME.

Zach: ...but I'm just a computer programme!

Ben: Are you? ARE YOU?

Zach: ERRROR, ERROR!

(Zach SHATTERS like the others.)

Ben: I can't believe that worked!

(SUDDENLY Ben wakes up in bed. LOUISE is lying on her side in bed with him.)

Ben: Huh it was all a dream...

(Louise rolls over...revealing that the OTHER SIDE of her body is ZACH. Ben SCREAMS!)

TO BE CONCLUDED

 

[Fuddlemiff]

This is so much like a Black Mirror episode that I'm starting to suspect you are Charlie Brooker (or whoever really writes them and gets grumpy when everyone assumes he wrote it).

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Ben WAKES UP AGAIN in the same bed but this time it's EMPTY.)

Ben: Hmm, I guess THAT was a dream too. Now I remember, Louise and Zach are just people I work with. And I fancy them both! I'm actually bi! What a crazy dream...

(He opens the curtains of his bedroom window and the ALIEN SPACESHIP is still hanging in the air.)

Ben: Oh, right, that part is real...

Alien Voice: PEOPLE OF EARTH. A SPECIAL DREAM has just been implanted in ALL YOUR BRAINS to make you THINK ABOUT THINGS. Now that you have, it is finally time to vote on Kristen Stewart. Use the up arrow to vote for Kristen Stewart to become immortal and the new ruler of an Earthly Paradise, or use the down arrow to vote for Stewart to die horribly and for you all to experience her death in your minds. These are the ONLY two options and you MUST vote.

(Ben picks up his phone and prepares to choose the an arrow, when suddenly his phone EXPLODES in his hand.)

Ben: Ouch!

Alien Voice: HOW ARROGANT you Earthlings are to think you could vote on such a grave question so easily! How CHEAP and DISPOSABLE human life has become thanks to your TECHNOLOGY and love of clicking up or down arrows. You will be sent new voting device in a two weeks after you've had time to think about this!

Ben: FUCK!

END CREDITS BEGIN

(The caption "FIFTY YEARS LATER" appears on screen. Ben is now a FEEBLE OLD MAN in his bed, watching a FUTURISTIC TV. A NEWSLADY is on screen.)

Newslady: I'm joined now by our supreme leader, the immortal Kristen Stewart! Today is fifty years since the people of Earth voted her into immortality!

(Kristen Stewart STUMBLES into view. Her hair is a MESS and she's looking around bleary eyed. She looks like she might have just been sick on her shoes.)

Kristen Stewart: Umm, uhh, hi, yeah, it's umm, me. Umm...yeah.

Newslady: You're on the air, ruler!

Kristen Stewart: Yeah, umm, that sounds funny..."on the air"...I'm on the ground! Haha...fuck I'm so stoned right now...

Ben(wheezing): I hate her so much.

(He weakly throws a shoe at the tv. The screen shatters. BUT THEN, after a moment...a DOWN ARROW appears. Suddenly, Ben's bedroom changes, back to how it was fifty years ago. And Ben himself is young again.)

Ben: What the fuck!?

Alien Voice: THANK YOU...FOR YOUR VOTE.

Ben: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

THE END