What's new
Troll Kingdom

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

What will the government cut next?

Government to cut the cheese.

"Its a gouda idea" -some government official.
 
I heard they were going to cut emos, but they cut themselves first
 
They're cutting names next. "Sam Cam" is just the (horrible) beginning...
 
They are cutting talking books in a bid to tackle the defecit.

(groan)
 
NUTSACKS
 
PENISES

"Damn goverment horning in on my action!"-Cassie
 
They're cutting Hitler next.
 
But he's the most popular attraction!
 
They will probably have to import the Tom Selleck rides from us.
 
In a new development announcements on Government cuts are going to be cut in a bid for efficiences. In the future releases on the cuts will simply read "some stuff in the school budget"

Venetia, Tarquin and Josh (all based in Camden) were said to be devasted at the loss of the PR account for the Government.

"I had bought my creative director a thesaurus and he had found 17 new words for cuts. I mean, we had a whole team on developing "restructuring" stories. What are they going to do? Many of them had downpayments on Mini Countrymans and Yo Sushi have just opened down the road - who is thinking of them now?" said Annabel Huufen-Jonas.
 
Budget cuts are hell.
 
Gagh said:
They're going to cut Disabled people next. Let's face it, they cost an awful lot of money in benefits, and we can clearly do without that, so they'll do away with all them.

Coming soon: Compulsory blonde hair and blue eyes for all UK citizens.
Click to expand...

Disabled people face '£9bn cuts'

The Government read TK. It's official.
 
In an effort to increase train carriage capacity on the London Underground, Tube passengers will be encouraged to sit on eachothers laps during peak service hours.

"Yes, what? Yes. The underthingy. What's it called?", explained Mayor Boris Johnsson during a press conference today. "We're all tightening our old britches and, er, this is a marvelous maverick idea to reduce the number of trains we need running throughout the day. I know Londoners will give it their full backing and the show the world what a wonderful, social city this really is!"

When approached for comment, Tube passengers darted their eyes away blankly, buried their heads in free newspapers, or pretended to read overhead insurance adverts for an unlikely period of time.

Union leader Bob Twat was less reticent; "I ain't gonna let some tosser come an sit on my lap innit?", he said, stroking a fluffy white cat on his lap. "If anyone sits on tinkerbell, there'll be murder!"

The scheme is set to be rolled out in early January, though Labour ministers have criticised the £4.7 billion spent on advertising, and little window stickers.
 
The government has ordered all double posts deleted from the Mine Field. "The time spent reading 'DOUBLE POST!' is time that could be spent worshipping David Cameron," said Paul Daniels.
 
FUCK THOSE JIMMYJACKS!
 
Yep!
Universities in England should have no upper limit on tuition fees, Lord Browne's review is set to recommend.

But government support will only be guaranteed up to a maximum of £7,000 per year - which is likely to make this the upper fee for most degree courses.

This would mean more than doubling the current tuition fee of £3,290.

The National Union of Students said students and their families would treat such plans for higher fees with "contempt".

NUS president Aaron Porter suggested that such a radical recommendation would be used as a scare tactic - so that the government could then deliver a more moderate increase.

The recommendations would mean a three-year degree typically costing students £21,000 or more - with many also likely to face a higher rate of interest for loan repayments.

Universities UK president, Steve Smith, says that universities face such deep budget cuts in the forthcoming spending review that an increase in fees to £7,000 would only replace the money that the government is about to withdraw.

"This is transferring the cost from the state to the student," said Professor Smith.
Click to expand...

This is spectacularly effective class warfare, if one were to look at it dispassionately. This kind of system would ensure that the elites are self-perpetuating while the poor are prevented from social climbing.
 
Oh hey, privatise everything. Literally everything.

The Government is working on a secret plan to tackle Britain's £149bn deficit by hiving off state-owned property assets worth tens of billions of pounds and selling them to the private sector.

Prime Minister David Cameron is understood to have written to all ministers demanding they produce an inventory of the property in their spending departments, including lengths of leases and occupants.
The Office for National Statistics estimates that government property is worth about £370bn. However, there is no comprehensive register of the entire portfolio and some City experts believe the estate could be worth £500bn.

The Shareholder Executive, the body responsible for realising value from state-owned assets, has been tasked with co-ordinating the government-wide attempt to maximise returns from its property portfolio.
Click to expand...

It'll be really awesome when the government sells off its buildings to slash this year's deficit and then has to start paying rent on those same buildings.
 
headvoid said:
There are plans to cut the bowel evacuations we can have in any 24 hour period. The new system means that you can have a cheap shit at 11pm when the system is "low peak" but that you have to swipe a magnetic card and pay a tax if you wish to go at 9.30 during "High dump time"
Click to expand...

Can I take a shit in a container during peak time and transfer it to the toilet at 11pm?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top