Wacky Reviews: Star Trek


I want to smell dark matter
Cold Front - Future Guy removes Silik's augmentations to punish him for his failure in 'Broken Bow'. Crewman Daniels asks Archer why the Enterprise changed course (it's to investigate a stellar nursery.) They meet a grumpy transport ship Captain who is delivering some religious types to watch a weird space thing. Archer invites the pilgrims onboard and one of them is obviously Silik in disguise (did I remember that or just guess it?) There's a discussion on religion and it's okay! Hoshi tries to convince Mayweather to sit in the Captain's chair when he's left in command and he does so. Geordi did the same thing in TNG season 1 so this is either a coincidence, a homage or kind of racist. Trip finds that the religious leader is a warp core theorist, which is a nice bit as it shows Trip is slightly prejudice. Silik pulls a cable out with his bendy arm. A plasma storm heads the ship's way. The warp core's in danger, but the surge heading its way mysteriously goes away. Trip finds that someone unplugged a thing earlier that, if it had been left attached, would have doomed the ship (so it appears disguised Silik saved the ship.) Daniels comes to Archer and tells him Silik is onboard, disguised as a pilgrim. But how could he know! They go to Daniels' quarters and he reveals he's not a member of Starfleet at all: he's here to stop people like Silik interfering in historical events. And he's from 900 years in the future. He has a nifty hologram of timelines and shit to explain things. Silik's boss is from earlier in the timeline so he can't physically travel back in time, unlike Daniels. There's laws to time travel that most species obey but Silik's boss breaks them. He needs Archer's help in capturing Silik. Archer points out that Silik just saved the ship so why should he trust Daniels? Because Daniels knows how Archer likes his eggs. Okay.

Archer tells Trip and T'Pol everything. T'Pol doesn't believe in time travel but Archer says they're helping Daniels because Silik is a bad dude. T'Pol asks Trip once Archer is gone why Daniels couldn't just travel back in time one day further and capture Silik before he came onboard. She's got a point but the problem is the show doesn't have any answer to questions like this. Phlox and some of the pilgrims return to the ship. Daniels stuns Trip and T'Pol by using his future technology to phase through a wall. Invisible Silik comes to see Archer in his quarters (Porthos notices him first!) Silik says he's actually Archer's friend and Archer should help him find Daniels. Silik stuns Archer as the cosmic event begins. Silik shoots Daniels and Daniels shatters into energy or something (he was a hologram I guess?) Trip, T'Pol and Phlox (who I guess is in Time Travel Club now) wake up Archer and tell him Daniels is dead. Archer finds Silik has stolen Daniels' timeline hologram thingy. Trip tries to use Daniels' future tech to find Silik and Reed finds Silik has bent his way through a conduit. Archer uses Daniels' phasing device to follow (Reed is confused!) Archer chases Silik around the inside of the ship as a Suliban vessel arrives. Silik opens a hatch and Archer nearly falls into space. Then Silik just jumps into space himself! I guess breathing in space is a natural ability the Suliban have. He's picked up by the Suliban ship and escapes. Archer has Daniels' quarters sealed up with a big FUTURE LOCK and who knows what other crazy stuff could be in there.

It's the most exciting, and fun, episode yet, though it suffers from not really having a proper ending or being a complete story in its own right. It's mainly just set up for the future Temporal Cold War story and, well, we all know how that ended. But that doesn't make it bad by itself! It's probably Bakula's best episode yet as he gets to play "being confused by time travel" something he's got a lot of experience of. Silik does cool things, Daniels is nice and myseterious, I liked the rude transport Captain...it's fun. I'll take that.

SCORE: 8/10

Silent Enemy - A green alien ship shows up and doesn't respond to hails. Then they just fly away. Reed reports he didn't pick up any readings at all from the ship. Hoshi tells Archer that she's tracked down Reed's parents and Archer calls them. They have SNOBBY ENGLISH ACCENTS and a big lamp. His dad is bitter that Reed's in Starfleet rather than joining the navy. Archer just wants to know what Reed's favourite food is for a birthday dinner, but his parents don't know because English people don't love their children. Archer tasks Hoshi with finding Reed's favourite food. Thrilling subplot coming up! The Enterprise has also received letters from home after launching an amplifier thing and Trip's been dumped. The green aliens show up again and this time shoot Enterprise with a weird weapon. Archer asks T'Pol if the Vulcans ran into this many assholes when they first went into space but T'Pol says there weren't as many warp capable species then. Archer thinks it's time to install the phase cannons Enterprise didn't have time to install because their launch was rushed (was it? I don't remember that from 'Broken Bow'. Wasn't their launch actually delayed by the Vulcans for years?) Archer wants them to return to Jupiter Station to install the phase cannons but Trip and Reed think they can do it themselves. Hoshi calls Reed's sister and best friend but they don't know anything about him either. Hoshi finally resorts to talking to Reed herself (shouldn't she have just done that first) and tries to probe him about his favourite food. Reed thinks she's flirting with him and it's awkward. The aliens show up and attack again. They easily disable the warp engine and board the ship. They're long-limbed CGI guys and they scan some redshirts then disappear again.

The two redshirts end up in comas. Enterprise is dead in space and Archer has to call the Vulcans for help, but they find their amplifier (and another one they placed earlier) has been destroyed. Reed wants to use some shortcuts to get the cannons working but Trip isn't willing to risk getting any of their people killed. Archer admits to Trip that he wishes they'd launched with all their systems online and that he rushed them out because he had something to prove. Trip says risk is their business. The cannons are installed. Archer says his crew have done in two days what would have taken Jupiter Station a week. So Jupiter Station is really slow at doing the thing it's designed to do? They test the cannons on an ansteroid and the yield is ten times greater than expected, overloading the Enterprise. Archer finds a device the aliens planted on the ship and sends a threatening message back to them. Hoshi asks Phlox about Reed. He uses technobabble to conclude that Reed likes pineapple. END THIS SUBPLOT. The aliens show up again and play Archer's threat back at him. Enterprise shoots them with the phase cannons but they don't do much. Archer instructs Reed to overload the cannons again so that they're more effective. Trip comes up with a technobabble way to use the overload to make the Enterprise's hull plating stronger (or something.) The phase cannons bring the alien shields down then some torpedos chase them off. Archer, Trip and Hoshi throw a surprise birthday party for Reed, complete with pineapple cake ("how did you know!" he asks.)

I like this episode IN THEORY. The idea of having truly ALIEN aliens is a good one, aliens whose motives we don't understand, who show up and do weird shit and disappear again. I like the music when the aliens show up and their long-limbs (their faces are a bit weak though.) But there's just something in the exectuion that makes them feel like a plot device. The way they shw up, disable the Enterprise, then leave every time...it just feels like they're doing this to give Archer time to develop his character and get the phase cannons working (also it feels like they're retconning 'Broken Bow' by saying the Enterprise was launched unfinished.) Then that B-plot...it's true that we don't know much about Malcolm yet. So it's a good idea to find out more about him. Except all we find out is that he likes pineapple. And that his family are assholes. I guess that second one is important, at least! The scenes of Hoshi questioning people about his favourite food go on far too long and feel weird when the ship is at huge risk of being destroyed by hostile aliens. So yeah this is an okay episode that doesn't live up to its potential for me.

SCORE: 6.5/10
Last edited:


Registered User
Archer thinks it's time to install the phase cannons Enterprise didn't have time to install because their launch was rushed (was it? I don't remember that from 'Broken Bow'. Wasn't their launch actually delayed by the Vulcans for years?)

(also it feels like they're retconning 'Broken Bow' by saying the Enterprise was launched unfinished.)
They had several scenes about how they were launching early! One dealt specifically with the weapons not being ready! They're going to finally have the engines run at warp five only in episode 23 of the season because they hadn't even tested them at warp 4.5 before launching!

ARCHER: Volatile? You have no idea how much I'm restraining myself from knocking you on your ass. These Klingons, they're anxious to get their man back. Fine. I can have my ship ready to go in three days. We'll take him back home, alive.
SOVAL: This is no time to be imposing your ethical beliefs.
LEONARD: What about your crew? Your Comm. Officer's in Brazil. You haven't selected a Medical Officer yet.
ARCHER: Three days, that's all I need.


REED: (opening newly arrived box) This is ridiculous. I asked for plasma coils and they sent me a case of valve sealant. There's no chance I can have these weapons online in three days.
TRAVIS: We're just taking a sick man back to his homeworld. Why do we need weapons?
REED: Didn't you read the profile report on these Klingons? Apparently, they sharpen their teeth before they go into battle.


HOSHI: There's two more weeks before exams. It's impossible for me to leave now.
ARCHER: You've got to have someone who can cover for you.
HOSHI: If there was anyone else who could do what I do, you wouldn't be so eager to have me on your space ship.
HOSHI: I'm sorry, Captain. I owe it to these kids.
ARCHER: I could order you.
HOSHI: I'm on leave from Starfleet, remember? You would have to forcibly recall me, which would require a reprimand which would disqualify me from serving on an active vessel.
ARCHER: I need someone with your ear.
HOSHI: And you'll have her in three weeks


I want to smell dark matter
Okay, clearly I did not pay enough attention to 'Broken Bow' and feel appropriately shamed.

But they still probably should have gone back to Jupiter Station to have their weapons fitted as soon as the Klingon mission was over.


I want to smell dark matter
Dear Doctor - Hoshi brings Phlox a letter from Doctor Lucas, a human serving on Phlox's homeworld. The framing device of the episode is Phlox narrating his reply. Phlox goes about his day to day doctorly activities, including telling Archer to stop feeind Porthos cheese. He watches a movie with the crew, sitting next to Cutler, observing the crew's emotional reaction rather than the movie itself. Cutler kisses him on the cheek after he walks her home and I ship it. The Enterprise finds two sick aliens (Valakians) in a spaceship and takes them onboard for treatment (there's a bit with Hoshi having to tune the UT into their language.) The Valakians aren't warp capable but have searched out and encountered other warp capable species (the Ferengi are name dropped...) and want help curing a deadly disease. T'Pol thinks it'll be fine so Archer allows Phlox to start working on a cure. Hoshi talks to Phlox in his own language (she says "nostril" instead of "fruit"!) and asks him about Cutler. The Enterprise travels to the Valakian homeworld and visits a hospital. Hoshi meets a "Menk", a member of another species native to the planet who speaks a different language. The Valakian doctor explains that they're not as advanced as the Valakians but make hard workers. They don't suffer from the disease so Phlox is interested in them. Phlox talks to T'Pol about Cutler's feelings for him, while fixing her teeth (she dosn't like getting dnetal work done, it's cute.) T'Pol thinks humans lack the emotional maturity for inter-species relationships.

Phlox finds that the Valakian disease is genetic and they'll be extinct in two centuries. Archer encourages him to continue looking for a cure. Phlox, Hoshi and Cutler study the Menk. A Menk impresses them by picking up English word quickly. Phlox obeserves that the humans believe the Menk are being exploited by the Valakians and want to defend them, despite the fact that the Menk seem happy and don't need defending. But he is also impressed by the Menk's abilities. He debates the Valakian treatment of the Menk with Cutler and reveals to her that he has three wives, who each have two other husbands in addition to Phlox. Cutler says she doesn't want to be wife number four, she just wants to be his friend. The first Valakian we met asks Archer for access to warp technology so they can travel the galaxy themself searching for a cure. Archer tells T'Pol about this and agrees with her that the Valakians aren't ready to use warp technology as they aren't advanced enough to understand it. They'd have to stay on the planet to teach them. He's finally beginning to understand how the Vulcans felt. Phlox goes to Archer and tells him he now isn't sure it would be ethical to find a cure, as it would be interfering with the natural course of evolution. The Menk are ready to flourish and need an opportunity to do so without the Valankians. He wants to let nature decide but Archer thinks it's wrong not to help when the Valankians have asked them. Phlox thinks Archer's compassion is clouding his judgement but Archer says his compassion guides his judgement (it's a good line!) Phlox reveals he's actually already found a cure. Archer comes to see Phlox the next day and says that some day his people will come up with some kind of doctrine, some kind of...directive that tells them what to do out here. Until then he has to remind himself not to play God. So he gives the Valakians medecine to ease their symptoms, but not the cure. He says maybe the Valankians will develop a cure themselves in the meantime. Cold, Archer. Phlox admits after that he's struggling with what happened and asks Cutler to join him for a snack (IN BED.)

It's the first great episode of Enterprise. It's the most engaging episode yet by some distance. Giving us Phlox's outsider perspective on humanity is a fairly simple device that's been used before ('Data's Day') but it absolutely works at making everything more interesting. We finally get a scene where Archer admits that maybe the Vulcans were right to hold humanity back for so long! And the ending shows some balls, I'd almost forgotten what happened and was kind of expecting Archer would give the cure to the Valankians. That's what would normally happen, I think. But nope, he choosesn to interfere. You can certainly argue that this was the WRONG decision and makes Archer a monster and murderer like Janeway ('Tuvix') but at least it's Star Trek engaging you in a philosophical argument. Like Star Trek can do! The only thing that gives me pause is Phlox's view of evolution. It's the thing Star Trek does sometimes where there seems to be a belief that evolution has some kind of pre-planned destination. It doesn't: evolution is just random. There's no plan. Nature doesn't "choose" the fate of a species. Sometimes I'm not sure Star Trek writers understand that? Also Archer using the word "directive" was a bit much. Anyway, this ia very strong episode of Star Trek. I enjoy a good Prime Directive story.

SCORE: 9.5/10

Sleeping Dogs - Reed gives Hoshi shooting lessons. The Enterprise sends a probe into a gas giant and hears weird wailing sounds. Mayweather (hi, Mayweather!) calls them "psiren calls!" The probe discovers a Klingon ship (they don't know it's Klingon yet) sinking in the gas giant. Reed has a cold. Hoshi goes to Archer and asks to be part of the away team traveling to the other ship. She's finally got her "space legs." T'Pol, Reed and Hoshi go over to the Klingon ship in a shuttlepod wearing environmental suits. Hoshi keeps saying things like "this isn't so bad!" meaning she's going to freak out later. They walk around the ship, finding unconscious Klingons. T'Pol says the Klingons won't want their help and they should leave before they wake up. Reed and Hoshi want to help, of course. A Klingon woman steals their shuttlepod and leaves them stranded. The Enterprise sees her flying away in the pod and hears them calling other Klingon ships for help (which is funny since T'Pol literally just said Klingons don't call for help.) They capture her with the grappler. The Klingon ships has sunk further so Archer can't take the pod over and orders Enterprise to go in deeper. Reed tries to get the Klingon ship up and running with little success. Enterprise can't go deep enough to save them as the pressure's too high.

Archer talks to the Klingon woman, who accuses him of infecting the crew with whatever knocked them all out. The acts like a typical Enterprise Klingon. Hoshi translates the log of the Klingon Captain who reveals they were damaged by an enemy ship then all got ill for some reason. They're out of their EV suits and in what you wear under EV suits now by the way. Hoshi and T'Pol try to find water for sick Reed and find some gagh (T'Pol knows about it, of course.) There's also live CGI targs in a cupboard and Hoshi's anxiety starts to get bad. She tells T'Pol she envies her emotional control. T'Pol holds her hand (again, I ship it) to teach her a Vulcan anxiety control method. Archer and Trip have a subplot going on where Archer is trying to learn more about Klingons in order to get the Klingon lady to help. There's no sense of urgency to these scenes at all. Phlox and Archer tell the Klingon lady that her crew were infected after drinking alien ale they raided fom whoever they were fighting. Phlox has a cure and Archer offers to cure her whole crew. Reed has a plan to blow something up to push them out the gas giant or something. Hoshi comes up with the idea to detonate all the torpedos at once so they do so and it pushes them up right into the path of Archer and the Klingon lady in a shuttlepod. The Klingon lady is fine dying with her shipmates (what the fuck) but Archer convinces her to get the ship out of the gas giant. How the fuck did the Klingons ever develop warp drive and get anywhere when they're so dumb. The Klingon Captain calls them after and acts like an even bigger idiot, theatening to destroy Enterprise for violating his ship and stuff (they're too badly damaged to do anything so Archer just flies away.) T'Pol, Reed and Hoshi relax in recon later, and when Phlox says their time is over they all lie (EVEN T'POL) so they can stay longer.

It's not bad but it's not good. It's just boring for the most part. I HATE the idiot Klingons of Enterprise. The Archer scenes are weak. Hoshi and T'Pol are the redeeming factor here with some nice interactions and I'm pleased they've eased up a bit on T'Pol being a total bitch. I would be fine never watching it again.

SCORE: 5/10


I want to smell dark matter
Shadows of P'Jem - Vulcan ambassador Soval complains to Admiral Forrest about the destruction of the P'Jem monastery (and big telescope) by the Andorians, a direct result of Captain Arche'rs actions he says. (I should note that hte Andorians didn't kill any of the Vulcans on P'Jem because They're Not So Bad Really.) There's a cool shot of the exterior of the shipping zooming in on Archer looking out his Ready Room window. He tells T'Pol that the Vulcan High Command are reassigning her as punishment and T'Pol of course does not react emotionally. Archer is angry at the Vulcans and wants her to be angry too. Phlox tells T'Pol that other Vulcans have been assigned to human ships and only lasted a few days while T'Pol has lasted six months and she should be proud. Archer and T'Pol take a shuttle to planet Coridan for her final mission. Some terrorists shoot down their shuttle (I guess, it's off camera) and they end up tied together in a barn. What is this, Voyager? The hostage takers want to overthrow the Cordian government because they're corrupt and propped up by the evil Vulcans. T'Pol pretends Archer is the ship's steward to help him avoid a beating. Trip starts searching for the crashed shuttle. Archer and T'Pol struggle to escape their bonds, rubbing their bodies against each other trying to untie each other's knots. Archer tries to get her to admit she's afraid of face up to the fact she likes being on Enterprise. Then they fall over and T'Pol's boobs land in his face. But the terrorists catch them anyway. I have no idea what the point of this was as there's no sexual tension between them so I suppose it was just meant to be funny?

The terrorists demand phase weapons from Trip. The asshole Vulcans arrive to pick up and T'Pol. The Vulcans tell off the Enterprise crew for not being good enough to save Archer and T'Pol and want to take command of the rescue mission. Archer and T'Pol try to eat gruel while tied up, with Scott Bakula insisting on making horrible panting noises all the time. Archer finds a bleeping light thing in his gruel. Trip and Reed sneak down to the planet while Hoshi lies to the Vulcans. They're kidnapped too, but by Shran. He explains that he's here to help the rebels overthrow the corrupt Vulcan-backed government but will help rescue Archer from them because he doesn't like being in debt (he "hasn't slept well" since P'lem.) There's some sneaking around in the dark before the Vulcans arrive and blow shit up because that's what Vulcans do. There's lots of shooting. The Vulcasn and Andorians end up with guns pointed at each other. A terrorist tries to shoot the Vulcan Captain but T'Pol takes the (plasma) bullet for him. Phlox treats T'Pol in Sickbay while Archer makes a speech to the Vulcan Captain. He acts like he understands the Vulcan point of view and asks that T'Pol be given a second chance for saving his life. He's convinced and leaves. T'Pol tells Archer he should have consulted her before he talked to the Vulcan Captain and he says she could go and stop him if she wants, but she says that would violate her docto's orders. It's a kind of cute exchange.

Hey there's some continuity with 'The Andorian Incident' here, so that's good. But man it's all pretty boring? Like I still think I overrated 'Inciden't a bit just because the body of the episode had some dumb hostage stuff and Archer getting beat up a lot and it was saved by a strong ending. This one has even duller hostage stuff and not as strong as an ending. And the stupid boob in face scene. Shran shows up eventually and has one good line, but I'm sick of the asshole Vulcans and we never even find out if they actually are propping up the Coriban governemtn or what's going on there. The stuff about T'Pol having to leave the Enterprise and Archer getting her to stay is...okay? I guess? Bakula's panting ruins a lot of it. The last few lines are good. Meh. It's boring. Fuck it.

SCORE: 4.5/10

Shuttlepod One - Trip and Reed are returning to the Enterprise in a shuttlepod. Reed complains about Americans enjoying science fiction novels and superhero comics, two things NO BRITISH PERSON would ever enjoy. They find some wreckage on an asteroid, wreckage from the Enterprise. COULD IT HAVE BEEN DESTROYED? We find out in the next scene that it's fine and some aliens just crashed into them or something. It's probably the right move to let us know this right away as nobody would belive the Enterprise was destroyed. Trip and Reed try to work out what to do, as they're months away from the nearest starbase. Trip orders Reed to work out which way to fly anyway and they head off. Reed records a log, rewinging it every time Trip interrupts him. They argue with Trip thinking there's a chance they'll run into somebody and Reed pointing out that's very unlikely. Reed further angers Trip by recording a letter to his parents. Reed has a dream where they're rescued and T'Pol smiles when he calls himself "Stinky." Something hits the pod and Reed seals a whole with some of Trip's meatloaf. They now only have two days of air left.

Trip and Reed discover that they slept with the same bartender. They turn the heating down because it'll buy them a few more hours of air. Back on the Enterprise, T'Pol finds that they were hit by micro singularities (Archer doesn't think they're real.) Reed records messages to all his ex girlfriends (turns out there's a lot of them.) They argue again. They drink bourbon together. They're getting very cold. Reed is hurt that Trip thinks he wants to die and says he lost everyone he was closest to when the Enterprise was destroyed. It never worked with his exes because he couldn't get close to them. They get drunk and I'm not convince by Dominic Keating's slurred speech. He says T'Pol has an awfully nice bum. They get a message from Hoshi and Reed is very happy to find she's alive, but Enterprise is now going to meet with them in two days. They won't have any air by then! (At first I wondered why Enterprise wouldn't take this into account but they lost air when the pod was hit by whatever hit them so it's fine.) They blow stuff up to get Enterprise's attention end up dead in space. They get even colder and shiver and drink some more. Trip wants to sacrifice himself but Reed won't let him. Reed wakes up in Sickbay like in his "Stinky" dream, but this is real life and T'Pol won't shag him.

Red Dwarf did it better. And DS9 with O'Brien and Bashir, really. Oh, and that episode with Odo and Quark up a mountain. It's still pretty good as both actors give good performances, but there's some annoyances. Like Reed at times being too much of a British stereotype and there being maybe one too many arguments between them. Or two too many. And the "Stinky" dream is bad. Still it gets good when Reed starts crying about losing all his friends and I liked the meatloaf bit.

Score: 7.5/10


I want to smell dark matter
I think "The Enterprise" sounds better?

I remember there being a lot of speculationon TrekBBS about a gay character, POSSIBLY stemming from some pre release interview Braga did where he hinted at representation? Particularly I remember a lot of people saying they thought Reed would be revealed as gay in 'Silent Enemy' when instead it was revealed he liked pineapple.


Boobie inspector
Fucking cowards, discovery isn't great, but at least they said, yeah we have a gay character, deal with it or fuck off.


I want to smell dark matter
Discovery has the advantage of having been made at a time where gay characters are a lot more common on tv, but yeah they're still cowards considering what Star Trek's supposed to be.


I want to smell dark matter
Fusion - A nore friendly than normal Vulcan ship contacts the Enterprise. They need some repairs like every ship that contacts Enterprise. Like Archer they're no fans of the Vulcan High Command, and their Captain surprises Archer and T'Pol by eating meat at dinner. They're Vulcans who don't entirely repress their emotions, but T'Pol doesn't believe it's possible to find a balance between emotion and logic. Trip makes friends with a chubby Vulcan who thinks humans have sex all day, eat six meals a day and sleep half the day (if you slept half the day it would be hard to fit in six meals between all the sexy.) T'Pol tells Archer that other Vulcans have attempted what these Vulcans are trying and it's always ended badly, but he encourages her to keep an open mind. A Vulcan named Tolaris tries to get to know (and attempt to flirt with) T'Pol. He thinks she's been effected by living with humans and says he can sense her emotions more strongly than those of other Vulcans. Archer is excited because the Enterprise is visiting a nebula that was on the cover of a childhood astronomy book. T'Pol visits the Vulcan ship with Tolaris and he encourages her not to meditate tonight because it'll give her more interesting dreams. Trip asks his chubby friend (Kov) about Vulcan sex and he explains that Vulcans only mate every seven years (but they're working on a way to incraese the frequancy.) I don't really think that was the intention of 'Amok Time'? It was more like Vulcans are driven to mate every seven years but that was nothing to say they couldn't do the sex any time they wanted. Forrest contacts Archer and tells him Kov's father is dying and wants to speak to his estranged son. T'Pol has a dream where she's listening to jazz and having sex with Tolaris.

T'Pol visits Phlox and tells him what's happened. He tells her take things slowly as the other Vulcans have been working on this type of thing for years. Archer tells Kov about his father but Kov doesn't want to speak to him. T'Pol tells Tolaris about her dream and how it involved a memory for Earth, when she visited a jazz club and felt moved by the music. Tolaris offers to help her explore her emotions with a tehcnique she's never heard for before...a mind meld. Huh. They mind meld and he takes her back to the jazz hole. T'Pol starts to get distress but he won't release her from the mind meld. She has to push him away. Oh, it's a mind rape episode. He leaves T'Pol lying on the floor and she calls Phlox. Trip tells Kov about his regret at not asking a girl to dance twenty years ago and this convinces him to talk to his father. Archer confronts Tolaris about the mind rape. He tries to beat Tolaris up which isn't a very good idea and gets thrown across the room. He holds a phaser to him and says it's time for him and his friends to leave. Shouldn't he have reported Tolaris to the Vulcan cops or something? Aren't there laws against mind rape? Kov tells Trip he's called his father and thanks him (we don't see the call, which is kind of disappointing?) The Vulcans leave and T'Pol asks Archer if he enjoys dreaming.

It's a weird episode that leaves you wondering where it's going. It starts off good and intriguing! It's good to see some Vulcans who aren't just assholes (well, apart from the rapist.) Even the T'Pol stuff is pretty interesting for a while and Jolene Blalock does her best acting yet. But...then it just turns out to be a mind rape episode. And Archer just...tries to fist fight the rapist? Or something? I don't know what Archer's plan was. Why does he just let Tolaris go? Did he tell the Vulcan Captain about the assualt? The episode doesn't deal with it at all. The Trip/Kov story is nice enough but kind of fizzles out with Kov making the call offscreen. This feels like a missed opportunity but it has some good stuff.

SCORE: 6/10

Rogue Planet - Trip takes a photo of Archer with a SPACE CAMERA. The Enterprise finds a rogue planet: a plant that's broken its orbit and is just flying through space separate from a star system. The planet vents hot gas and supports animal life, but no humanoids...except Reed's sensors detect a ship. Archer, Reed, Hoshi and T'Pol go down to investigate. The planet's dark (obvously since it doesn't have a sun) so there's SPACE TORCHES waved about. They also put these like infrared monocle things on? They find the ship and Reed and run into three alien hunters. The main one is the guy who played Holtz in Angel so that's nice! T'Pol isn't impressed by them hunting and eating wild animals and Archer says it went out on style on Earth "over a hundred years ago." Seems unlkiely. Hoshi returns to the Enterprise to be replaced by Trip (okay?) Archer hears a hot woman in a nightgown talking to him in his tent oh God it's this episode. He walks around in the jungle but can't find her. Everyone just thinks Archer was having a crazy dream and laughs at him. Reed goes hunting with the hunters.

Archer sees the woman again and chases her into the jungle. He thinks he knows her from somewhere. She says she "needs him" and that he's "different" but of course doesn't explain anything useful before Trip and T'Pol show up and she disappears. One of the hunters is injured by an animal. T'Pol asks Archer if he would be so determined to find the ghost if it was a scantily clad man. Archer sees her again and she touches him. She continues to talk in an annoyingly slow way. She explains that they're shapeshifters (why did no on ever wonder if this was Odo's home planet?) and telepathic. She explains that the hunters are hunting them. The hunters then just admit to Archer that they hunt telepathic shapeshifters without him doing much prompting. So why did they not believe him when he told them about seeing the lady? The hunters claim the shapeshifters aren't sentient which makes no sense since we know they're able to communicate. The Enterprise crew return to the ship and Archer wants to stop the hunters. T'Pol poins out that they're people will keep coming anyway, so Archer instructs Phlox to find a way to disguise the shapeshifters completely from the hunters (luckily Phlox can do just that!) Archer tells Tirp he's realised the woman was someone he imagined from a poem he read as a child. The hunters find their scanners no longer show the shapeshifters and run off in fear. Archer and Trip point torches at them and gloat. The woman appears to Archer again and thanks him.

It's fucking boring. You could have told the shame story in twenty minutes or less. The setting is kind of interesting because haven't seen much like it in Trek before (though I'm pretty sure there would be no leafy plants on a planet with no sun, thermal vents or not) and the initial interactions with the hunters are okay. But then the scenes with the woman are drawn out and pointless. Why doesn't she just tell Archer everything right away? Why does she disappear when T'Pol and Trip are around, shouldn't she be able to sense that they're cool too? The hunters seem to be hiding the fact that they're hunting sentient beings but then just tell the truth for no apparent reason. Episode bad.

SCORE: 2/10

On a sad note, the mysterious woman was played by Stephanie Niznik wo also played Ensign Perim in Star Trek: Insurrection (her superior role!) and died last year aged just 52: https://variety.com/2019/tv/news/stephanie-niznik-dead-dies-star-trek-everwood-1203266197/
Charlie X - Seventeen year old Charlie Evans has been alone on a planet for fourteen years after a transport ship crashed. Naturally he acts a bit weird around people. Especially around Janice (though to be fair we saw adult men acting weird around Janice Rand last episode.) He slaps her bum! But he also makes perfume appear from nowhere and pictures of her appear on playing cards? Turns out he's got some weird powers!
Was he really Charlie X-Men all along?! Stay chewwwwnnnnned! (But really don't 'cause he wasn't it was PURE COINCIDANCE)


I want to smell dark matter
Acquisition - The teaser is four Ferengi (ugh) in a ship pulling up to the disabled Enterprise. One is Neelix, one is Jeffrey Combs, one is Clint Howard, one is some other guy. The whole crew are knocked out and we only hear the Ferengi speaking their own language, which is a decent touch. One of them pervs on T'Pol because that's what always happens. Trip (in his pants) is still awake, in decon, and has to break out because Phlox is unconscious. The Ferengi steal a load of shit (including T'Pol and in fact all the women) while Trip runs about hiding. They wake up Archer and try to find the location of Enterprise's vault from him, which means we get yet another scene of Archer being beat up. Archer learns that the Ferengi are going to sell the women into slavery (n this comedy episode) and pretends there's a vault full of gold on the ship. Archer is left with Combs, who is the nicest of the Ferengi, so Archer tries to turn him against his nasty cousin Neelix. We get the usual "let me tell you about the Rules of Acquisition..." nonsense that we're all beyond tired of. Trip wakes up T'Pol and she looks at his ass. Combs gets rapey with T'Pol but Archer stops him. They don't try to steal his gun here because...reasons?

There's scenes of the other three Ferengi talking to each other and being annoying. T'Pol steals scanners from them. The Ferengi think they're stealing from each other and bicker. Archer offers Combs a deal including giving him T'Pol but Combs isn't fooled. The Ferengi question Porthos about the vault in one actual funny moment. Trip, with his uniform on, bites a Ferengi on the ear and steals his gun, but another Ferengi knocks him out with an energy whip (like in that first TNG appearance! It's a prequel!) Trip pretends to betray Archer because he doesn't want the Ferengi taking his wife Hoshi. The Ferengi keep bickering annoyingly. Archer pretends to have a bad back for some reason. T'Pol seduces Combs and wanks off his ears before nerve pinching him. She easily shoots the other three while they're having one of their tedious arguments. The Ferengi are made to return everything they stole. Then Archer just...warns them to never come near a Starfleet ship again and lets them go (with Combs in command, because he's the "nice" one (who wanted to rape T'Pol.))

It's two hunrded years before TNG/DS9/VOY. We shouldn't be having Ferengi episodes, and definitely not one where the Ferengi just act exactly the same as 24th century Ferengi. The crew are made to look like idiots by being so easily knocked out by a stupid Ferengi plan by four really stupid Ferengi. Archer could easily just grab Combs' gun at any time but doesn't because it's not the end of the episode yet. There are a few funny parts, yes: T'Pol look at Trip's bum, the Porthos scene. The first ten minutes all being in an alien language is inventive but not actually funny. Jeffery Combs does his usual good job creating a new character that's nothing like his previous Ferengi roles. But so much of it is just tedious and annoying. Does not justify its own existence.

SCORE: 3.5./10

Oasis - Archer, Trip and T'Pol have dinner with a trader who tells them a of a crashed transport ship. There were no life signs detected yet it had a crew who scared him away. Archer and an away team go to investigate the ship and like the trader detect no life signs. Trip and T'Pol talk about how Vulcans don't get scared. There's lots of walking around the empty ship before they find the entire crew hiding out in a room full of vegetation (there's a dampening field to explain why they weren't detected.) Odo's there for some reason. They need Trip's help repairing their ship like everyone does. Trip makes friends with Odo's cute daughter, who looks a bit like Kes. T'Pol reminds him that the last time he made friends with a girl he got pregnant (not really fair since all he did was put his hand in a box.) Kes wants to hang out with Trip on the Enterprise and promises Odo she won't tell their meysterious secret. Reed points out the ship doesn't have enough food to feed everyone. They're obviously all holograms. Like, it's really really obvious.

Archer and Reed tell Trip that the aliens are lying about stuff and the ship actually crashed twenty two years ago, not three like they said. Reed's found an escape pod that was launched 22 years ago and inside is the body of one of the people they just saw on the ship. They must be ghosts! Or holograms. They're probably holograms. Trip asks Kes what's going on and she runs away. T'Pol looks around the ship with a torch and the crew start being creepy and acting even more like holograms. The aliens turn nasty and point guns at the Enterprise crew to make sure they finish the repairs, despite Kes begging them to be nicer. Kes tells her mother she thinks they should tell the Enterprise crew the truth. Archer tries to escape and when he shoots one of the aliens his phaser blast goes right through because he's a hologram. Kes turns all the holograms off to save Archer from his regularly scheduled ass-kicking. But Odo's still there, he's a real person like his hot daughter. He reveals the truth as Rene Auberjonois finally gets to do some acting nearly forty minutes into the episode. The ship crashed, everyone died and he blamed himself as he was the Chief Engineer. Kes (okay, her name is Liana and I could have just typed that all along) was only a little girl so he created the whole crew as holograms to keep her company. Odo just wants them to repair the holographic systems so they can stay on the ship alone forever. Trip asks what happens if she gets sick, WILL HE MAKE SOME KIND OF HOLOGRAPHIC DOCTOR LOL. Odo sees sense and lets Trip help repair the engines. Trip and Kes/Liana kiss before parting.

If you're going to remake a DS9 episode ('Shadowplay') why have literal Odo in your episode? It just makes things all the more blatant. Rene Auberjonois does his usual good acting here, but for most of the episode he doesn't have much to do and having him there is just a bit distracting. Annie Wersching does well as Liana and her romance with Trip is quite sweet. Their scenes together are nice. But so much of the episode is so boring as the viewer's already figured out it's holograms and we have to watch the crew walking around pointing torches at thing for half an hour befor they realise it too. Also: stop doing holograms. We've had enough holograms in the last three series.

SCORE: 5.5/10