Wacky Reviews: Star Trek

whisky

Boobie inspector
On and off, depending on what the episode was about, its the only star trek series I haven't seen all the episodes of.
 

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Detained - Archer and Travis(!) wake up in some kind of prison. Their shuttle's been shot down and they're being detained along with loads of Suliban. Archer and Travis are taken to warden Dean Stockwell (oh boy) who tells them they've been locked for violating his species' territory. They're at war with the Cabal but he accepts that our heroes aren't Suliban in disguise and says they'll be freed after a hearing in three days. Archer is surprised to see a Suliban child in the pirson with them and accuses her father of getting the kid involved with the Cabal. The father says he's not a member of the Cabal and they were locked up just for being Suliban. He's put in isolation because Archer kept him talking after curfew. The Tandarans (Stockewell's people) contact the Enterprise and there's the usual bit where Trip wants to rescue the Captain and T'Pol suggests waiting or calling in a Vulcan lawyer. Archer apologises to Sajen (the Suliban father) the next day and he explains the situation to him: the Suliban (who are not part of the Cabal) lived peacefully on Tandaran planets until the Cabal started attacking. All Suliban were then relocated to internment camps. It was supposed to be temporary but it's been years. Grat (Stockwell) talks to Archer again and has more questions now that he knows Archer has previously encountered the Suliban. He questions Archer for tactical information on the Suliban and Archer hits back by seeing that the Suliban don't deserve to be locked up because of the Cabal. Grat defneds his people's position and threatens to keep Archer locked up longer if he doesn't start answering questions.

Grat tells T'Pol Archer's hearing has bene postponed and now she's more willing to look into rescuing him (and Travis I guess!) Archer asks Sajen if there's any Suliban who'd be willing to do a good old fashioned prison break. Travis gets a minor C-plot where he tries to prove he's not a racist to a Suliban. T'Pol beams a communicator in and Archer starts planning the prison break with his two Suliban allies. The angry Suliban who thinks Travis is a racist just storms out. Grat questions Archer again. He's had Travis beaten up because he found a communciator on him. Grat contacts the Enterprise with the communciator and warns T'Pol he'll blow the Enterprise out of the sky if they come near. T'Pol stalls Grat by asking him what he likes to eat. It's the kind of thing Spock might do! Reed shows up in the prison disguised as a Suliban (he used the transporter while T'Pol was distracting Grat.) The Enterprise arrives and pretty easily evades Grat's ships, sending Trip down in a shuttlepod. Travis tries to do the "distract the guard by asking him stupid questions" thing and can't do it as well as T'Pol. Trip takes out the guard towers with his shuttle as everyone starts to break out inside. Grat knocks out Reed and holds a gun to Archer but it's just to give Archer one last chance to tell Grat he's wrong before they escape. Archer gets out in the shuttle while the Suliban escape in their own ships. Archer admits he has no idea if the Suliban will be okay.

It's a fairly obvious social commentary episode, but that's Star Trek for you. The original series and TNG did lots of episodes that were blatantly about real world issues so I can't complain about this one. Dean Stockwell is a good guest star and as an old Quantum Leap fan it's fun watching he and Bakula acting together again. Travis has done almost nothing since 'Fortunate Son' so it's good he gets something to do here, even if his acting still isn't great. The weakness is that the episode just turns into a prison break action story in the second half after having some quite good scenes discussing the internment camps in the first part. It doesn't really offer a solution though at least it has Archer admit in the end that he doesn't know if the Suliban will be safe on the outside. But hey it was quite good on the whole and that's better than some recent episodes!

SCORE: 7.5/10


Vox Sola - The Enterprise crew have offended some asshole aliens and Hoshi struggles to translate what they're saying. Some weird jellyfish looking thing sneaks into the Enterprise's arilock as the assholes leave. Hoshi gets annoyed at T'Pol pointing out the aliens might not have left if Hoshi had translated faster and starts blaming herself for them leaving. Travis and Reed watch a movie together but the (strangely old fahsioned) screen won't play it because of jellyfish interference. Archer and Trip watch water polo (oh yeah I forgot about that) together. Two crewmen (one a cute girl) are swallowed up by the creature. Archer, Trip and Reed go to investigate and the find the crewmen arrive but wrapped up in tendrils. Archer, Trip and another guy are grabbed by unconvincing CGI tendrils too. Phlox examines a tendril and concludes the creature may by intelligent. Hoshi wants to try to communicate but T'Pol thinks there's not enough time. Archer, Trip and the others are all covered in gunk and wrapped up but try to keep their sense of humour. Reed tries to free them by shooting the alien with light but it just hurts the prisoners as much as the creature (Phlox reports their nervous systems are linked.)

It's up to Hoshi to find a way to communciate now and she's sick of T'Pol's nagging. The alien's language looks more like mathematics so T'Pol offers to help. Archer, Trip and the other guy find their minds have become linked (they all knowing boring water polo facts.) Reed wants to find a way to contain the alien, but Phlox refuses to do anything that will hurt or kill the creature. Reed thinks the creature might be trying to kill the Captain but Phlox isn't so sure and refuses to let his research be used to kill. Hoshi continues to be annoyed by T'Pol but T'Pol says she mrerely holds Hoshi to a higher standard because she knows Hoshi is capable of achieving it. Enterprise tracks down the assholes from the teaser. Theyv'e taught themselves to speak English now. Mayweather has to explain the situation to them and I continue to wonder if Anthony Montgomery was asked to audition before being cast (is this too harsh.) Turns out the aliens were offended by the crew eating in front of them and Travis has to apologise. Archer and Trip are the only people left awake in the sperm prison. Phlox reports the cute girl is near death. Reed finishes his forcefield. Hoshi talks to the creature using tone noises. The creature talks back and gives them an exact location on its homeworld. It lets Archer, Trip and the nobodies out and yes they're all covered in jizz. T'Pol and Hoshi take the creature home in a box then let it out to rejoin the rest of...itself. It's all one big organism. Like some kind of...Great Link.

It's an attempt to do a proper science fiction story and it's appreciated! Yeah the alien looks like it's made out of sperm and water polo sucks, but I liked how the episode approached the situation. T'Pol and Hoshi work well together. It felt like it wasn't just ripping off a TNG or Voyager episode and I like that. It's a good episode though I guess it could have been a bit more exciting in the begining.

SCORE: 8/10
 

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Fallen Hero - T'Pol asks Archer and Trip if they're having enough sex, then casually mentions that Vulcans only have sex ever seven years (I STILL DON'T THINK THIS WAS 'AMOK TIME'S INTENTION BUT WHATEVER.) She suggests they visit Risa (in the 22nd century!?) and get laid. This is the teaser but man it's got nothing to do with the rest of the episode! Forest interrupts the trip to Risa by phoning up and telling Archer to pick up a Vulcan ambassador V'Lar (the great Fionnula "Mrs Squarking" Flanagan, who previously played Data's robot mum.) Hoshi gives up her quarters to V'Lar because they forgot to put guest quarters on the Enterprise I guess. Turns out V'Lar has been expelled from the planet she was ambassodring on for criminal activity. She also stuns T'Pol by shaking Archer's hand when she comes onboard. She has a nice, freindly dinner with Archer and Trip, even making a joke (she's clearly mad!) Things turn more serious when T'Pol asks her about the charges against her and she doesn't want to talk about it. V'Lar senses disappointment from T'Pol (who has always looked up to her since V'Lar visited her school at a young age.) Archer tells T'Pol it's always hards when your heroes let you down. Some alien bastards show up and say the government want V'Lar back for questioning. Archer knows they're lying and they attack the Enterprise. Archer doesn't know the Enterprise can't fire its phase cannons at warp, which seems like the kind of thing he should know. The Enterprise gets away anyway and Archer and T'Pol question V'Lar. She still won't talk so Archer refuses to take her to her rendezvous. He calls Forest and whines about the Vulcans keeping them in the dark (to be fair he has a point.)

V'Lar and T'Pol have the usual talk about T'Pol being trapped between two worlds. V'Lar wants to know if Archer can be trusted and reveals she does remember meeting young T'Pol all those years ago. She was impressed by T'Pol then and trusts her enough now to tell her secret. T'Pol tells Archer and the charges were fabricated to get V'Lar off world but she can't reveal the actual mission. If she's returned to the planet she'll be killed. Archer demands to know the truth but T'Pol asks that he trust her as a personal favour, the first she's asked on the Enterprise. The bad guys catcch up agan and Archer asks Travis to go to warp 4.8. The aliens go to 4.9 and Enterprise matches (but shakes a bit!) V'Lar tells Archer she was fascinated by humanity when the Vulcans first made contact but worried about them. She finally reveals that the guys chasing them have infiltrated the alien's government (look I can't be bothered looking up how to spell the species name, it's Mazerites or something like that...actually that wasn't too hard to spell) and the people of the planet asked the Vulcans for help to get rid of them. She's been gathering evidence against them but it was all top secret so she couldn't tell anyone. She pretended to be a criminal so they wouldn't think she would be a credible witness and give up chasing her or something. It kind of makes sense. She wants to give herself up to save the Enterprise but of course Archer won't let her. The engines of both ships are over-heating and it's a game of chicken to see who'll drop out of warp 4.9 first. Archer orders Travis to go up to warp 5 for the first time. There's lots of shaking and smoke in the engine room but the Enterprise does it...and the aliens still manage to match their speed. V'Lar tells them of a secret diplomatic frequency they can use to send a message to the Vulcans to get them to come and meet them. Engines start catching fire. The aliens are still right on top of them. The aliens board the Enterprise and demand to see V'Lar. Archer claims she was gravely injured in the attack and takes them to sickbay. The aliens shoot up an imaging chamber V'Lar is supposedly inside (Phlox does some good "NO!" acting to fool them.) The Vulcans arrive and start shooting up the bad guy ships. V'Lar walks into Sickbay alive and well and is like "surprise, bitch!" V'lar thanks Archer for everything and says it'll deepen the bond between their peoples.

It's one of the strongest episodes yet. Flanagan is a strong guest and it's good to see a friendly Vulcan. Her scenes with both Archer and T'Pol are strong and her storyline is generally good. There's some wobbliness in the reason why she had to pretend to a criminal, and I'm not sure why she took as long to tell Archer the truth. The villains aren't super intersting either but they work fine for the plot. The chase stuff is better than the usual Enterprise action scenes and the warp 5 scene is very well done. There's the bit where Phlox goes "NO!" Yeah, it's good, very good even, if not quite great.

SCORE: 8.5/10


Desert Crossing - The Enterprise is on its way to Risa again when they pick up a distress call from Clancy Brown (Zobral.) They fix his ship and he invites Archer and Trip to dinner. He's tall and charismatic so Archer says yes. Trip doesn't want to go to the desert at first but Archer talks him into it. There's space goats. Archer and Trip have dinner with Zobral and they get on great and eat chopped up penises. Zobral mentions the Suliban and Archer looks a bit suspicious, maybe. They watch a space desert lacrosse game. Archer and Trip takes their shirts off (FFFFFFFFFFF) to play too. Some more official looking aliens contact T'Pol and tell her she'll never see Archer or Trip again. T'Pol lets Archer knows that the government say Zobral is a terrorist. They try to leave but Zobral knows what's going on and insists on telling his side. He says his planet used to have a caste system and even with it abolished his people are mistreated by the ruling caste still. He wants Archer's help coming up with a battle strategy. In a nice bit of continuity, he's heard about Archer freeing the Suliban from the detention centre. The government start bombing so Archer and Trip have to go hide in a bunker. Trip thinks they should walk away but Archer thinks Zobral won't take no for an answer. Their bunker blows up and they run off into the desert to avoid bombs.

The government tell T'Pol they won't stop bombing to let her rescue Archer and Trip. The two of the wander through the desert and to the show's credit it's all shot in a real desert and it looks hot. They have to hide under sand to avoid government ships. Hoshi points out that they'll keep having problems with this if they make contact with some people on a planet but not others. Trip suffers from heat exhaustion in the desert and starts to go crazy. He doesn't want to drink Archer's water but does eventually. Whene are we going back to the terrorist story? Zobral comes to the Enterprise and learns that Archer isn't the warrior genius he was led to believe. He's upset but T'Pol persuades him to help them find Archer and Trip. They're both still sweaty and red and panting. Trip is very ill and Archer continues to make him drink water and keep him awake (if you can't tell I'm not really into these scenes.) They play a geography game. The aliens start bombing them agai (they sure love bombing!) T'Pol, Reed and Zobral save them in a shuttle. Archer tells Zobral he can't get involved in his situation. He tells T'Pol after that he suspects Zobral's cause is just (despite not really hearing the other side?)

It's really weird. The set up is good. Clancy Brown as a charismatic terrorist/freedom fighter? You could do a good story with that! Will Archer help him? Is it right to help him just because he seems like a nice guy? You'd expect lots of Prime Directive type discussions to folow and to hear more from the government on their side of the story. We only have Zobral's word about everything ater all. Instead we get...Archer and Trip walking about the desert. Then Trip getting ill. It's like the poentially interesting stuff ends halfway through and it turns into a different episode. A horribly boring one. It's like half a story. I don't know what happened with the writing here, really. It's like they gave up and just wrote "Trip and Archer in desert lol."

SCORE: 4.5/10
 

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Two Days and Two Nights - The Enterprise finally arrives at Risa. Half the crew get to go on vacation while the others stay onboard. Archer takes his dog with him to the pleasure planet. Phlox is going in hiberation for two days, leaving Cutler in charge of Sickbay. Archer quickly spots an ALIEN DOG owned by a hot spotted woman (Kayla, played by Dey Young, last seen romancing Odo in DS9's 'A Simple Investigation'.) Trip and Reed go to a nightclub to pick up women and stand around at the bar judging their attractiveness (this feels a bit out of character for at least Trip?) Hosi turns her translator off and speaks Risan to the locals. I'm not sure how she's managed to learn the language in one day without her translator? The show's never really been clear on if Hoshi has some kind of language super power. She talks to an alien man in Risan. Trip and Reed talk about how Vulcans only mate every seve years and I continue to not like how Enterprise keeps bringing that up. Two Risan women come onto Trip and Reed. Archer shows Kayla Earth through a telescope, saying it's 90 light years away. I bet there were nerd debates on that line. The women take Trip and Archer to a winer cellar, shapeshift into me (it's funny because they're not homosexuals!) and shoot them.

Travis returns to the ship after falling down a cliff and is outraged at the thought of Cutler treating him instead of Phlox (I'm not sure if this is just Montgomery's bad acting but he feels way too harsh here.) Trip and Reed are tied up in their underwear and have a coemdy argument that isn't funny. Hoshi has taught the man how to speak English and they kiss and flirt. This feels much more convincing than anything else in the episode. Archer wants to know more about Kayla because she hasn't told him much yet. She tells him her family were killed by the Sulliban. T'Pol and Cutler have to wake up Phlox early because Travis is struggling to act breathe. Phlox talks in a stupid comedy voice and acts weird because he wasn't done hibernating. In Sickbay he keeps calling everyone "Captain" and saying stupid things that Phlox would never say. It's shit. Kayla reveals she knows the Suliban get their orders from someone in the future and tries to get more information from Archer, in a really unsubtle way. Like if she's supposed to be undercover why is she shouting "TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!!!" at him? Archer realises she's a Tandarin (Dean Stockwell's people) agent pumping him for information. She scratches him and it knocks him out and she escapes. This plays out like it's going to be a continuing story but I don't think it ever comes up again. Reed and Trip's bulge walk through the nightclub in their pants. Hoshi wakes up in bed with the alien and they hug before she ahs to leave. Phlox treats Travis then falls asleep. Archer wakes up to Porthos kissing him. Everyone goes back to the ship without telling each other what happened.

There's four stories here so let's talk about them from best to worst: The Hoshi story is BY FAR the best. I enjoyed it a lot, the chemistry was great between the actors and it's one of the most convincing "Starfleet officer gets laid on alien planet" stories Star Trek has ever done. And, just to be shallow, Linda Park looks freaking gorgeous throughout. But it's only three scenes. The Archer story feels incomplete. There's nothing much to his early scenes with Kayla, then she turns out to be a terrible intelligence officer, gives the game away, and runs off. That's it. There's no ending. The Phlox thing is shit I'm not even talking about it. Then there's Trip and Reed. I have NO PROBLEM at all with the idea of two Star Trek characters just wanting to go out and get laid. That's not the issue here! It does feel a bit out of character for Trip, and even Reed given the scene in 'Shuttlepod One' where he says he regrets just sleeping around and not having a serious relationship, but whatever. It's fine if they want to have sex. But the episode treats them (and writes them) like total sleazeballs who get what they deserve when the aliens mug them. And the "haha, we nearly kissed men!" stuff pretty obnxoious when you consider Enterprise's refusl to feature a gay character. Plus it's just childish and shit. So yeah, one good story, one okay but incomplete one, two shit.

SCORE: 4/10
 

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Shockwave: Part 1 - Reed's taking Archer, T'Pol and Trip down to a planet in a shuttle. They have a foreshadowing conversation about how it wouldn't be nice to ignite the planet's atmosphere. Then, sure enough, the planet's atmosphere is ignited, seemingly by the shuttle. The whole colony of 3,600 people is wiped out. Reed insists it wasn't his fault. Sad Archer calls up Forest and wonders how he can tell the homeworld of the aliens that he blew up their colony. T'Pol tells Phlox she's concerned Archer's grief is interfering with his duty. Archer watches the faces of the dead on a screen while holding Porthos. Reed's investigation shows that the shuttle apparently was responsible for the explosion. Archer tells Trip and T'Pol that their mission has been cancelled. Forest has told him Soval will use the incident to convince Starfleet they aren't ready. Archer accepts the decision, much to Trip's horror. Hoshi tells Travis she'll kick the ass of anyone who badmouths Archer. T'Pol tells Archer he's feeling sorry for himself but he says he's feeling bad because he's ruined Starfleet. She tells him he should fight back and convince Starfleet their mission is worthwhile, as she's going to do with the Vulcans. Phlox is fine with leaving because he'll end up somewhere just as good anyway. Archer goes to bed and wakes up in his bed on Earth. He quickly finds he's back to before the Enterprise launched. He doesn't believe that the last ten months have been a dream. Daniels shows up, alive somehow (Daniels is the master of the handwave) and tells Archer he took him back in time to talk to him. The explosion was the result of bad guys meddling in the timeline to get the Enterprise called home. Archer returns to the future and finds a secret device planted where Daniels told hi to look. He's got his groove backand orders the ship back to the colony.

Archer revals to Trip that Daiels gave him instructions and the device is of Suliban origin. Archer and Reed go into Daniels' sealed quarters and find his hologramm computer, which gives them schematics on a Suliban stealth cruiser. The Enterprise tracks down the cloaked Suliban ship and shoots its ass. Archer, Trip and T'Pol board the ship and knock some invisible Suliban off the ceiling with a stune grenade. It's lucky Daiels knew there's always invisible Suliban on the ceiling. Reed helps out too by shooting the ship so it shakes and dislodges additional ceilingiban. Trip has to launch the shuttle with it still clamped to the Suliban ship and it tears a whole in it dropping some Suliban into space. This is probably the coolest thing Enterprise has done so far. Hoshi translates the stuff they stole that proves the Suliban blew up the colony and framed the Enterprise. Forest is happy with the evidence even if he doesn't understand where it came from. Future Guy orders Silik to capture Archer. T'Pol doesn't believe Archer travelled through time but he tells herhe needs her to believe him. Archer finds multiple cloaked Suliban hive ships chasing the Enterprise. There's far too many of them for the Enterprise to win. Silik tells Archer he'll let Enterprise go if Archer turns himself over. Archer says a sad goodbye to his crew and tells them not to give Porthos cheese. But when he comes ot the turbolift he's...somewhere else. Silik lets T'Pol know that Archer's disappeared. The Suliban ships target the Enterprise's warp core. Well that's it, Enterprise is surely going to be destroyed! Archer is on future Earth with a confused Daniels. A future Earth that's all blowed up! Daniels reveals he was ordered to bring Archer to the future but that somehow changed the timeline (Daniels however remembers the old timeline...because of reasons.) Daniels also reveals that ALL of the time travel equipment has been DESTROYED and there's NO WAY to send Archer home. Darmatic zoom out of blown up Earth.

It's a very dramatic and exciting season finale packed with plot. The action sequence where Archer has future knowledge on the Suliban ship is about as fun as Enterprise gets and there's a lot of good stuff involving Archer's guilt over the blown up colony. But man it's so obvious they're just making this shit up as they go along. Remember the last time we saw Silik he was saving the Enterprise from destrcution so its mission could contiue? But here he is trying to get their mission cancelled. Why? Who knows! Then there's Daniels and his constant "you wouldn't understand!" answers to all Archer's questions. As good as this finale is (and it's very good!) I just know part 2 is going to be a let down...

SCORE: 8.5/10


Shockwave: Part 2 - T'Pol invites Silik onboard to search for Archer. In the future city, Archer asks Daniels to explain time travel to him but Daniels says it's "too complicated." Durr. Daniels realises that the Federation was never founded in this timeline (Archer doesn't know what that is!) They go into a library full of paper books. Dozens of Suliban walk around scanning for Archer and can't find him. Silik detects that Archer has been taken to the future and takes command of the Enterprise. On present day Earth, Sovla is angry that the Enterprise hasn't come back home with its evidence yet. He's going to send his Vulcan ships after the Enterprise to get T'Pol back. Enterprise is docked with the Suliban hive ship now and Silik can't get in contact with Future Guy. Archer spots a dusty paper book on the Romulans but Daniels stops him from reading it. Daniels realises that the Suliban were trying to stop the Federation from being founded, but he did it himself by accident when he took Archer to the future (why didn't he know this would happen? Surely you learn about this stuff in time travel school.) Daniels learned how to send a message back in time using Suliban technology in high school. Part 1 said that all the time travel equipment was destroyed so I guess they're getting around that by using Suliban equipment. It still feels like a cheat. Silik tortures and questions T'Pol (Jolene Blalock still plays her with her ususal blankness) and doesn't get anything out of her. Trip contacts Reed while they're both locked in quarters to plan an escape while Archer makes copper wires for Daniels to use to hack into the Suliban's time travel machine (or something.) Archer sends a hologram of his face to T'Pol quarters but she's so fucked up she doesn't think it's real at first.

The impisoned Enterprise crew need Hoshi to crawl through some vents. She's claustrophobic (like Garak but not as well written!) so it'll be tough. She does fine, getting something from Phlox, but her top is ripped off on the way back. She has to cover her breasts in front of Reed. I guess it's meant to be funny! There's some uninteresting sneaking around corridors before Reed is captured after getting Daniels' future computer thing. Reed tells Silik that Archer fears Silik would use the thing to contact Future Guy. Trip fakes a warp core breach by pressing a few buttons so the Suliban cut the Enterprise loose. They warp away with the Suliban chasing. Silik thinks he's getting through to FG but it's actually Archer who dropkicks him through the time portal (Reed set Silik up.) Silik just cracks up begging FG to help him. The Suliban start shooting the shit out of the Enterprise, because they're fine with destroying it after saving it that one time in season one. Archer shows up with Silik as a hostage so the other Suliban stop firing (why? Silik is nothing special.) The Vulcan ship meets Enterprise and Archer has to explain himself to Soval. I know what's coming! Soval accepts that the Enterprise didn't blow up the colony (remember the colony) but isn't happy with all the other shit they've been up to. When Archer was on a trip to east Africa in his early twenties, he saw a gazelle giving birth. Luckily this life experience can be used to perfectly explain to Vulcans why humans need to be given a chance to learn from their mistakes. T'Pol speaks up for Archer by pointing out that maybe the Vulcans should learn that using a monastery to spy on Andorians is bad too, okay? Soval storms out so that solves everything. Archer goes to T'Pol's quarters later to tell her Forest is letting their mission continue and he thinks T'Pol's argument is the reason why.

Hey, it's a huge letdown after part 1! I wouldn't care so much about it making no sense (why is Daniels, a time cop or something, so bad at time travel?) if it was an much fun as part 1. Unfortunately it's all pretty dull. The scenes of the Enterprise crew escaping the Suliban feel like something out of Voyager ('Basics' springs to mind.) The future stuff is just Archer and Daniels talking in a library (why are the books paper anyway?) Silik is a big baby. The gazalle speech is hiarious but at least it's fun and there's a bit of life to the ending. Otherwise this is all a big nothing.

SCORE: 4/10
 

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Carbon Creek - Archer, Trip and T'Pol celebrate her first anniversary onboard the Enterprise. Archer wants to know why she visited the mining town of Carbon Creek when she was on Earth. She claims it was the site of first contact between humans and Vulcans, and her great grandmother T'Mir was part of it. Four Vulcans were investigating Sputnik when they crashed near Carbon Creek. The Captain died, leaving T'Mir in command (she is also played by Jolene Blalock, in the flashbacks that make up most of the episode.) T'Mir doesn't want to interact with humans, but they're running out of food so they don't have much choice but to disguise themselves as humans. There's a silhouette of Jolene Blaclock's body as she gets changed behind a sheet. T'Mir puts a dress on backwards! There's some typical fish out of water Vulcans making observations about humans stuff. The male Vulcan beats a human at pool to win money in a really long montage. I think they just think showing a Vulcan playing pool is charming enough to be entertaining. Present day Trip doesn't believe the story is true. Pool Vulcan makes friends with a barmaid who has a son. The other male Vulcan has to work as a plumber. T'Mir thinks the humans will destroy themselves soon, but Pool Vulcan likes humans and watching their tv shows.

Pool Vulcan goes on a date with the barmaid. She wondesr why he wears a hat all the time and talks like a weirdo, but kisses hm anyway. T'Mir is mad at him and tells him to stay away from the lady. T'Mir talks to the barmaid's son and maybe she's beginning to become part of the town eh. There's an accident at the mine and twenty men are trapped. They could die, but Pool Vulcan wants to save them using a phaser. The other two don't want to interfere in human affairs. He say he's going to do it anyway so T'Mir helps him do so undetected. After three months on Earth, the Vulcans get a call saying help is on the way. The boy tells T'Mir he was rejected by the colloege for being poor and he'll miss her when she leaves. T'Mir invents velcro to make the money they need to send the boy to college (yes that's what really happened.) Pool Vulcan wants to stay behind so T'Mir and the other one lie for him to the rescue party and claim he died in the crash. T'Pol then claims the whole thing was just a story she made up. BUT THEN she goes to her quarters and strokes TMir's purse.

I think I hated this episode when I first saw it. I was always a bit surprised that so many people seemed to like it. I'm more mature now(!) and I understand that other points of view are actually valid. I might not just automatically find Vulcans interacting with humans in the fifties charming, but I can accept that other people do. Like the pool scene, for instance, I dind't really care that A VULCAN WAS PLAYING POOL but other people might have found it cute. That's fine! There is some nice stuff here. But I just wonder what the point of this is for T'Pol's character? Because it should be about her, not these three characters we've never met before and will never see again (though T'Mir essentially IS T'Pol and Blalock just plays her exactly the same anyway.) I thought the whole point of T'Pol's story in season one was that she didn't really have an affection for humans at first but grew to appreciate them after spending a year on the Enterprise. Now we find out that she always loved this old story from her grandmother and kept a human purse in her quarters ALL ALONG. How does this fit with her sneaking off to listen to jazz music, which is implied to be the only time she felt emotion while on Earth? I don't know. It's pretty bizare. I'm obviously thinking too much about what is supposed to be a cute episode with Vulcans playing pool, I know.

SCORE: 5.5/10


Minefield - Hey that's the name of this board! Archer invites Reed to breakfast but Reed is being all stuffy and English and isn't into it. Like he's regressed to his 'Broken Bow' character entirely. Or even worse than that. It's awkward. The Enterprise finds a M-class planet but is hit by an invisible explosion and a large section of the saucer is blown off. Hoshi is injured (and some no names.) They find that another explosive device is stuck to the hull. They're in a whole mine field of cloaked mines. Reed walks out onto the hull in a spacesuit to deactivate the mine. A green spaceship decloaks. This one is definitely Romulans. They hail the Enterprise but their language can't be translated. Wouldn't their language have the same root as Vulcan and be easier to translate than most? Reed is impaled through the leg by a spike from the mine. Archer goes out to help Reed. There's seemingly no way to remove the spike without setting off the mine so Archer has to disarm it. Hoshi is well enough to use her super ears to traslate the message. T'Pol recognises the name Romulans but apparently doesn't know much about them.

Archer tries to make small talk with Reed while he disarms the bomb but I have to agree with Reed here that it's pretty annoying. Reed says he wasn't comfortable having a casual meal with his Captain that morning and thinks the Captain shouldn't be socialising with his crew. Who's he supposed to socialise with then? Porthos? They keep talking while Archer does a good job with the bomb. He wants to know why Reed joined Starfleet instead of the Royal Navy. Reed tells a boring story about his uncle who was scared of water and sacrificed himself on a submarine. Reed is willing to sacrifice himself too. The (really stupid sounding) Romulan voice tells the Enterprise to get out of their fucking mine field and if that means letting Reed drift off into space stuck to a mine so be it. The mine can't be deactivated so Reed tries to kill himself so Archer will cut it loose. Archer comes up with a plan and lets the section of hull with the mine on it be cut loose. It floats off into space with Reed and Archer still on it. They cut Reed out then use shuttlepod doors to shield themselves from the explosion. The same explosion that cut through the hull of the Enterprise earlier. It's the old "why didn't they make the hull out of the same material as the shuttlepod doors" question!

Remember 'Shuttlepod One'? Well here it is again, but nowhere near as good! Right down to Reed trying to kill himself again. All his characater development there is ignored and he's right back to ULTRA STUFFY BRIT GUY again. Imagine the Reed of this episode trying to get laid on Risa! It's really annoying and it's not even worth doing for the story we get here. His scenes with Archer are pretty dull. Some of the stuff with Archer diffusing the bomb is good, and there's Romulans, I guess. I mean it's just a stupid scary voice but it's something. This is all just very average stuff.

SCORE: 5/10
 

whisky

Boobie inspector
I always thought the purse implied it was T'Pol all along, and she just didn't want them to know she was 200 years old.
 

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
He only became ill shortly before his TNG appearance due to a condition Vulcans of advanced age suffer from.
 
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whisky

Boobie inspector
Are you forgetting he was ill in journey to Babel and needed a transfusion from Spock to survive? Maybe Spocks half human blood accelerated Sareks aging.
 

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Dead Stop - The Enterprise is still badly damaged after the events of last week, unable to go above warp 2 and stranded a decade away from Jumpiter Station. This ain't Voyager! Reed's still getting therapy for his injured leg too. The Enterprise puts out a distress call that's answered by some Tellerites, but just finds an empty space station instead of any friendly aliens. The station scans them then reconfigures its docking bay so the Enterprise will fit inside. The station's all white and clean and apparently unmanned. The station's computer talks in the voice of episode director Roxann Dawson and it can completely fix the Enterprise in just 34 hours for a reasonable fee. The station is so advanced it even has a food replicator and T'Pol enjoys a nice glass of water and Trip a catfish while big mechanical arms repair the Enterprise. Phlox uses the stations advanced medical tech to heal Reed's leg. Despite how great the station seems, Archer thinks something doesn't feel right. Trip wants to steal a replciator and enlists Reed's help (because they're friends, because Reed does have friend's despite last week's hard reset on his character.) They set off an alarm as they call through tubes and are beamed back to the Bridge. Meanwhile Travis is called to the shuttle bay by Archer's voice and finds a mysterious sparking panel.

Next thing we know, Phlox finds Mayweather's dead body and declares "he's dead, Captain." Archer doesn't understand why Travis would go to the shuttle bay and play around with a malfunctioning panel. An emotional Archer asks the station's computer if it knows why Travis was killed. It won't tell him anything useful and Archer gets mad. Phlox does an autopsy on Travis and Hoshi comes by to say goodbye to his dead naked body. She was hoping his death as another of his famous practical jokes. Ha, that Travis, we know so much about him! Phlox notices something odd. He tells Archer that it's actually a remarkably accurate clone of Mayweather. He can tell because the microbes he injected in the whole crew a few weeks ago are all dead in clone Travis. Trip distracts the station by refusing to pay for the repair work (not sure why this works, really, surely the computer can do two things at once) while Archer, Reed and T'Pol sneak around inside the station. Reed is beamed out again but Archer and T'Pol shoot their way into a secret area. They find a whole lot of aliens all in comas and with tubes in them. Their brains are used to run the station (I think.) They save Travis and get back to the Enterprise but the station is mad and has grabbed the by its big arms. Archer ignites the warp plamas they left as payment and it blows up the station real good. The Enterprise is still held in place by one arm but Reeds shoots them free in time. Travis wakes up and does some bad acting. With the Enterprise gone the station starts to repair itself...

It's good! It has a nice scary science fiction feel. The station looks cool and Enterprise's more advanced CGI is used to good effect. The only weakness is maybe that it's pretty obvious Travis isn't dead, what with it happening off screen. But Travis is such a non character that you actually kind of think maybe they would kill him off in such a lame way. So yeah I liked it and hopefully Enterprise continues this level of quality!

SCORE: 8/10


A Night In Sickbay - Hoshi decons T'Pol while T'Pol decons Archer and Archer decons...Porthos. Archer's angry at some asshole aliens. Phlox reports Porthos picked up a pathogen and has to stay. Porthos is moved to a box in sickbay because his immune system is breaking down. Archer is mad at the aliens because he thinks they should have checked if their environment would have harmed Porthos. Why the fuck did he need to bring Porthos on an important away mission? Archer by the way is SUPER FUCKING ANNOYING in this episode, constantly snapping at everyone. Porthos reports that the aiens are made that Porthos peed on their sacred tree. Archer yells that the aliens should have told him not to bring his dog with him, as if it's not his responsibility the big baby. Archer goes to sleep in Sickbay while Porthos is still there. He questions Phlox's ability to treat dogs. Fuck off, Archer. Phlox wakes Archer up by trimming his weird toenails and cleaning his weird tongue. He also has weird medical animals to feed. Guy's weird! Archer acts like Phlox is in the wrong for doing the things he always does in Sickbay when it's Archer who chose to sleep there. Archer continues to whine to T'Pol about how the aliens treated Porthos. She tells him his duties as Captain are more important. He get a letter from the aliens with a list of demands and goes back to Sickbay to bother Phlox. How dare those JERKS not look at Porthos's genetic profile blah blah blah MAYBE THE DIDN'T THINK HE'D TAKE HIS FUCKING DOG WITH HIM ON A DIPLOMATIC MISSION. Phlox asks Archer how long it's been since he last fucked something, because Enterprise is stupid.

Archer is comically woken by Phlox because they have to catch a bat in comedy butterfly nets. Phlo suggests that there's sexual tension between Archer and T'Pol and that's part of the reason why Archer is so angry. Except there's never been any sign of an attraction between them. Hoshi shows up and catches the bat because she's the only good character. Archer has a dream of a comedy funeral for Pothos and of all the terrible dream sequences in Star Trek it's right up there with the worst. Then he has a "sexy" dream where he's back in decon with T'Pol, Hoshi and Porthos but Hoshi and Porthos leave and he starts stroking T'Pol. Jesus. They try to do a serious scene with Archer talking about Porthos but nope that's not going to fly right now. T'Pols shows up and Archer makes freudian slips saying "breasts" and "lips" hahaha she's an object. Phlox has to do a transplant from a lizard to save Porthos. Archer grabs him in anger and yells at him for trying to save his dog's life. Fuck you, Archer. They make up as Phlox tells Archer about his three wives and their three husbands and drowns Porthos to save his life. Archer realises Phlox isn't as bad and apologises for being racist earlier by suggesting his species don't care about animals. Archer makes it up to the aliens by choppig a log with a chainsaw. Yeah. Porthos is cured and Archer takes him home.

This episode was written by Rick Berman and Brannon Braga, the creators of the show. Thtat means this is what they wanted the show to be like. This is what they wanted Archer, the Captain to be like: a complete and utter idiot. It doesn't help that Scott Bakula gives an awful performance. Even in the Irish episodes of Voyager (*shudders*) I don't think Kate Mulgrew ever completely embarassed herself the way Bakula does here. I don't think there's any doubt Archer is the worst Captain in the history of the franchise, worse than Lorcas who was a murderous madman from the mirror univesre but was at least played by Jason Isaacs. IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT YOUR FUCKING DOG GOT ILL. Then there's the completely juvenile sexual stuff with T'Pol, showing exactly why Berman and Braga cast Jolene Blalock and what they want that character to be. I don't think Blalock is a particularly strong actor but she deserves much better than this. Phlox gets a few decent moments in amongst and laod of really stupid ones but for character assassination of the LEAD CHARACTER I have to rate this as one of Trek's worse.

SCORE: 0.5/10
 

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Marauders - Some alien oil drillers (who look exactly like humans but with a "W" on their foreheads) watch an Enterprise shuttle land on their planet. Not the most exciting teaser. Archer wants to buy some shit from them but the aliens report that their shit pumps are broken. Archer offers to fix them in exchange for some shit. Trip makes friends with a bad child actor. Phlox makes friends with a W doctor. The aliens are all jumpy and nervous. A ship with twelve Klingons shows up. The W aliens knew they were coming and earlier agreed to give them all their shit because Klingons are big scary bastards. The Enterprise crew hide while the Klingons bully the drill guy and give him four days to get their shit ready. Trip is a bit disgused the W aliens don't just stand up to the bullies but they tried that once and the Klingons killed some of them. Archer wonders if they should contact the Klingon High Council and ask for a favour but T'Pol doubts that would work. She wants to help the oil wimps too but doesn't know what they can do other than kill the Klingons. Archer has a boring conversation with the head oil guy and tells him the "give a man a fish" saying.

Archer, Trip, T'Pol and Reed teach the Ws to fight back with a plan to lure the Klingons into a trap. This is also boring. Reed teaches the oilers how to shoot and Hoshi demonstrates that she's a great shot and Reed is turned on. Archer says "i've neved liked bullies!" to Trip. Who the fuck does? T'Pol teaches self defence and it's boring. Bad actor kid wants to fight too but Trip tells him he's worthless. Archer tells head oil guy that he was nervous the first time he fought the Suliban. The Klingons show up and find the settlement empty. The Ws fight using HIDDEN STRINGS and Reed firing with a rifle from a distance. T'Pol kicks the shit out of a Klingon (in about the only exciting action moment) with her ears hidden so they don't know a Vulcan is interfering. The Ws and the Enterprise crew eventually lure the Klingons into their trap, which is a wall of fire rising around them. Head oil guy says "we're not afraid of you anymore!" and that apparently settles everything as the Klingons just leave and I guess don't come back ten minutes after the episode to kill everyone.

It's the most straightforward, unimaginative plot any tv show can do. That doesn't meant it can't be fun, of course! The A-Team did this exact episode fifty seven times and they were all better than this. The problem is Enterprise is just so dull and safe that nothing interesting is going to happen. At least in the A-Team the training montage scenes would have Mr T in them and the A-Team theme playing. In Enterprise it's hard to stay awake. The Klingons are just generic "bullies" and all the mentions of "bullies" in the episode makes it feel liks a kids show. A bad one. Or at least a boring one.

SCORE: 3/10


The Seventh - T'Pol gets a secret Vulcan call from a secret Vulcan telling her they've "found Menos." T'Pol can't tell Archer the details of her secret mission, just that they'll be picking soeone up. Archer tries to make her feel guilty in front of the rest of the crew. T'Pol comes to him when he's watching water polo to reveal the truth: she was a Vulcan secret service officer 17 years ago and was sent to track down some Vulcan fugitives on a corrupt planet. She asks Archer's help in arresting the sixth fugitive Menos. T'Pol tells Archer about the last time she nearly caught Menos and accidentally says "they" instead of "him." as Travis flies them down to an alien bar. If you think this means Travis gets something to do then lol: he barely gets shown. There's a shoutout in the bar and some angry tall aliens swearing at Archer in their alien language, a bit like something from a TOS movie. There's a comedy scene of acting Captain Trip trying to act like a big man by inviting Reed and Phlox to lunch in the Captain's mess. He is incapable of making a decision as Captain and keeps saying "I'll get back to you!" when anyone asks him anything. The plent's administrator won't let T'Pol leave with her prisoner right away. Menos tries to convince Archer and Travis he's a good guy really and he just wanted a new life away from the Vulcans. T'Pol has a weird flashback and gets angry.

She puts rags on her boots to run across acid (or something, I wasn't really paying attention to the details) to get to Menos's ship to prove he's an evil smuggler. She can't find the proof and keeps having flashes of Vulcans doing something to her. Trip has to pose as Archer to pick up a coded message from a confused Vulcan. T'Pol asks Menos who "Jossen" is. Menos reveals Jossen was his fugitive buddy and T'Pol shot him dead on Risa. T'Pol starts going mad as she remembers killing Jossen. T'Pol tells Archer that the memory of killing Jossen must have been repressed by an ancient Vulcan ritual to stop the emotions she felt from messing her up. Archer asks why she'd feel guilty of Jossen was about to shoot her but she says she was never sure of his intentions. She wonders if maybe he was innocent and she killed him for no reason. Menos sets the bar on fire escapes. They go back to Menos's ship to look for him. T'Pol admits that she's doubting herself and maybe it's not so bad if Menos escapes. Menos is hiding behind a holographic wall which Archer discovers. Archer and Travis out shoot him but he escapes through a trap door. Menos tries to use T'Pol's guilt against her but she stuns him before he escapes. Travis finds his ship really was full of biotoxins so he really was a bad guy meaning Jossne was too and T'Pol didn't really do anything wrong by killing him (but why didn't she use stun back then?) Everything's fine and T'Pol gets over her breakdown pretty fast.

It's not great but It's much better than the previous one, at least. I mean, it has a story. Blalock gets to act a bit and does better when she has to show emotions. Bruce Davison is a good guest star and makes it fairly convincing that maybe Menos isn't a bad guy. Except it's Enerprise, so they're going to the easy, safe way and reveal that he is bad and that his partner was bad and T'Pol was perfectly justified in killing him. Sorry to be BIASED but I feel like if this was a DS9 episode they would leave some ambiguity on whether T'Pol did the right thing. Being Enterprise it just lets her off the hook and everything's fine at the end. I'm not really sure about the b-story where Trip is shown to be a terrible Captain. There's no pay off to it so I can only assume the point is that Trip really would be a terrible Captain. And it's hilarious how Travis is there for all the Archer/T'Pol scens but only gets about two lines.

SCORE: 6/10
 
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