I have a whole Laundry list.......
If a store is open 24/7 why are there locks on the doors?
To confuse Pollocks.
Why is it that dogs like to stick their heads out car windows when you’re driving, but hate when you blow in their face?
Because the wind doesn't smell like shit.
Why are they called APART-ments when they are stuck together?
Because you're only renting A PART of the building.
Why is an autograph called an autograph when it isn't a graph on automobiles?
Because it's a graph you make yourself.
Can you teach a new dog old tricks?
Yes.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Because the parkway borders the park and the driveway borders the drive.
Why, when we send something by ship its called cargo and if we send something by car its called a shipment?
To confuse the Pollocks.
If you get olive oil by squeezing olives, how do we get baby oil?
By kicking pregnant women.
Why do you have to have a drivers licence to buy alcohol if you can't drink and drive?
Because the Captain Wacky Boatload of Fun Club Card doesn't prove you're of legal age to buy alcohol.
If you can't drink drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
You're too drunk to ask this question.
Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
So that you don't drive to the radio station.
If a cow sneezed would milk come out of its nose?
Cows are incapable of sneezing.
What hair color do they put on bald mens drivers licences?
BLD.
Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
Because they have talons.
Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when they know the answer is going to be everyone?
To tease the Pollocks.
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
Potentially, depending on whether they used in person monitoring or just an electronic ankle bracelet.
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside,
no one is comfortable?
Because the body continuously dissipates heat. If the temperature outside the body is equal to the temperature within it, heat can't be dissipated.
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
Very possibly.
Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
It is.
Stop looking its not in there.
Yes, it is.
Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?
Because the asses of people who use public toilets the most often, are perfect ovals.
Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?
It was on the whole time leading up to it making noise. At that point, it's destined to be turned off. Thus: "going off."
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Because only as ice cream does vanilla achieve its true Aryan potential.
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Who says it's after and not before?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
No, they'd be called 'seismic activity.'
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
So that you can wear a tool belt with them. For tools.
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
Because "Charlie" is a diminutive variant used to denote close acquaintance.
Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
Because football players and fans won't notice.
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
To mystify Pollocks.
Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?
More work is less fun.
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
No, it's called a miracle.
Yes, unless 'crying' involves only wet eyeballs and nothing else.
Why is it that someone says head up when they mean for you to duck?
They're not telling you to put your head up, they're warning you that your head is up when it shouldn't be.
