CaptainWacky: Defender of the Mine Field Season 1

[Dr Dave]

Episode 1: A new mission

Captains Log: Star date sofdihsfoiuhfu

Who knew our mission would end in this disaster, but our adversary was too strong, our ship sabotaged...but out will remains as strong as TEN MOOSE!


The USS Sexy Pants was adrift. Most of it's systems were out. On the bridge, smoke filled the air, console blinked on and off and most of the bridge crew was injured or dead.

CaptainWacky regained consciousness briefly, looked up and said "Damn you...damn you you forked pie..." and fell back into unconsciousness.

"Space the final frontier, these are the voyages of the USS Sexy Pants, it's mission to seek out new sexy ducks and to boldly shout things where no one has gone before"

14 days earlier...

CaptianWacky was like any other Captain in the Mine Field Fleet, he put his pants on one leg at a time, but not his shoes, that he did TWO AT A TIME. He was almost late for his meeting with Admiral Mentalist.

"I bet that CORKED CORN COB won't even be there again" he said to himself

CaptainWacky was right, the admiral was out, Commodore Mayo was there. The commodore was a good bloke, as people who seemed to be constantly slathered in mayonnaise went anyway.

"Ah Captain, good to see you" said Commodore Eggs Mayo

"You as well sir, BY FORK OR BY PORK!" replied CaptainWacky

"Err yes...Well I have a mission for you and the crew of the USS Sexy Pants. Duck Planet 53 has sent out an urgent call for help. Aparenty all their sexy ducks are dissapering" said Commodore Mayo

"Hmm, BY NOOK OR BY BROOK, We will get to the bottom of this!" said CaptainWcky

"Good, I knew we could count on you, you get underway in 2 hours!" said Commodore Mayo

...

Onboard the USS Sexy Pants Commander Cassie sat in the command chair awaiting the Captain. He knew after meeting with Admiral Mentalist, if he was even there this time, he'd need a back rub with her space uterus.

"Commander, signal coming in from CaptainWacky" said Lt.Fuddlemiff who was at Ops

"Turn him on, err I mean put him on!" said Commander Cassie exidedly

"Commander, we leave for Duck Planet 53, some sexy ducks are going missing. We launch in under 2 hours!" said CaptainWacky

"Aye sir!" replied Cassie, turning to Lt.Fuddlemiff she said "Inform the crew that we will be under way in under two hours, and get me my chief engineer up here!"

"Yes mam!" replied Lt.Fuddlemiff

To be continued...

 

[CaptainWacky]

I LIKE THE COLD OPEN!

 

[Dr Dave]

Is that what I did?

 

[Loktar]

All I ask is that IF I make an appearance later on tied to a park bench floating in space you make sure I'm wearing a spacesuit and helmet.

 

[Cassie]

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!

 

[Dr Dave]

Episode 2: What not to do with the ships internet

Alarms were going off in engineering. Various engineering personnel were RUNNING ABOUT.

In walked Dr Dave, and seeing the commotion knew exactly what the problem was.

"Chief Engineer Tomtrek, what did CaptainWacky and Commander Cassie tell you about trying to find new ways to get Michelle Trachtenberg images?" asked Dr Dave

"I know, I know, but it can be faster, tougher, UN CUT!" replied Chief Enginer Tomtrek, who after tapping a few buttons, things went back to normal.

"Half of space dock probably heard the alarms. Anyhow Commander Cassie wants you on the bridge apparently, better wear your penis protector." Said Dr Dave

"Uh oh!" replied Tomtrek

...

In sick bay Nurse Tisiphone faced a very serious problem.

"You gotta get it out!" said Lt.FBI Part Due

"Yes, yes...explain again how you got a ping pong racket up your bum" asked Nurse Tisiphone

"I lost a bet to Ensign Seph" replied Lt.FBI

"You know better then do do that, he's won more bets then half of New New Vegas!" said Nurse Tisipone

...

Lt.Commander curiousa2z was QUITE EXITED. Her footy team had won, and the projected course the shop would be on would fly by several interesting things.

"What I'm most curious about is that Type 99-B subspace projection of a mongoose flower" she was saying to Commander Cassie

"What I'm most curious about is where the hell is Chief Engineer Tomtrek!" replied Commander Cassie

Just then Chief Engineer Tomtrek rushed in, and he was nervous.

To be continued...

 

[Dr Dave]

double post

hpup:

 

[Dr Dave]

Episode 3: "GOAL!!!"

"Mr Tomtrek, WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT MESSING WITH THE SHIPS INTERNET MOFO!" shouted Commander Cassie

"I..err..I...er...I...UM...." Said Chief Engineer Tomtrek

"Captain on the bridge!" said Lt.Fuddlemiff

"Time to get going, where is Ensign Loktar?" said CaptainWacky looking at the empty con station.

"I haven't seen him in days." said Lt Fuddlemiff

"Probably tied to a park bench again, well find a substitute." said CaptainWacky

Lt.FBI Part Due walked on to the bridge, bent over, assumed the tactical station.

"Ah good FBI, you old bum stuffer!" said CaptainWacky

Lt.FBI grumbled.

Ensign. Gagh assumed the helm, he had with him a tv and was watching SPORT.

"Lt. headvoid, inform Space Dock we are ready to go!" said CaptainWacky excitedly

"Aye sir." replied Lt. headvoid

"Helm, prepare to release docking clamps and engage trusters." said CaptainWacky

"GOAL!!!!" shouted Ensigh Gagh

"Space dock has cleared us" said Lt headovid

"Engage!" said CaptainWacky

"GOAL!!!" shouted Ensign Gagh slaming his fist on the control panel.

To be continued...

 

[Hambil]

What is he watching? Not soccer, not with two goals that close together.

 

[Dr Dave]

Football (english)

 

[Loktar]

I was excited for 2 seconds when I read 'Ensign Loktar' until I read the park bench twist.

(not complaining, park bench is fine...I'll be good)

 

[headvoid]

I can't believe finally, someone has given me OPS. Even if it is aboard a starship called sexy pants.

 

[Dr Dave]

technically you have the communications.

 

[Seph]

I can't believe I haven't killed or fucked anyone yet... good work Dr. Dace.

 

[Dr Dave]

Episode 4: Sabotage

Captains log stardate: WHAT THE STORK?! We are two days out of space dock, already I feel something is amiss.

Chief Engineer Tomtrek went back to engineering. When he walked in, people were running around, FRANTICLY!

"Coolent leak!" shouted Assistant Engineer Filthy Whore.

"Batton down the hatches, and release the #2 RED VALVE!" shouted Chief Engineer Tomtrek

The situation got under control quicky, but then Chief Engineer Tomtrek made a shocking discovery.

"Sabotage!" he said

Chief Engineer Tomtrek went to inform CaptainWacky of this startleing development

...

Ensign Gagh spun around in his chair at the con station

"WHEEEEEEEEE, SPORT...WHEEEEEEEEE GOAL!!!" he shouted, although nobody payed much attention.

"I just feel something is wrong..." said CaptainWacky to Commander Cassie

"I'm sure..." she said, but was interupted by Lt. FBI Part Due

"Sir, engineering reports a coolant leak" said Lt. FBI Part Due

"Hmm" pondered CaptainWacky

"Perhaps your feeling was right, OR YOU just need another VAGINA massage!" said Commander Cassie

"Engineering reports the situation has been resolved, Chief Engineer Tomtrek is on his way up to see you sir, with a PRIORTY REPORT!" said Lt. FBI Part Due

Chief Engineer Tomtrek arrived promptly, looking pale, too pale.

"Captain...it's sabotage, the coolant leak..." stated Chief Engineer Tomtrek

"Captain, receiving a priority 1 distress call from a small freighter near the planet of Mice" said Lt. headvoid

"Try to raise the shuttle..." said CaptainWacky

"Unable to sir, too much beta 56 radiation in the area" said Lt. headvoid

"Alright, set a course, engage!" said CaptainWacky

To be continued...

 

[Dr Dave]

double post hpexclaim:

 

[CaptainWacky]

Good technobabble.

 

[Dr Dave]

Episode 5: Seph

"Captain, since we have a while till re reach the planet of Mice, you may want to go deal with Ensign Seph" said Commander Cassie

"I had wanted to avoid that, the last time I tried to talk to him he pulled down my pants and kicked me in the patella. Then he snorted DRUGS off my ass, again!" said CaptainWacky

Ensign Seph had been the problem officer since day one. He kept beating people and snorting all mannor of drugs. He was banned from med bay and his love for Nurse Tisiphone was well known. Seph now lived in the brig.

CaptainWacky approced Seph's cell.

"Ensign, stand at attention!" said CaptainWacky

"FUCK YOU INNIT, KICK YOU IN THE PATELLA BY GORG!" replied Seph

Clearly Ensign Seph had found another stash of drugs.

"We need every member of this crew at their best ensign, you used to be a good cadet, but ever since The Loktar incident..." Said CaptainWacky his thoughts drifting to that tragic day. Many a cadet were scared by the moobs.

"I JUST WANNA BREAK SHIT" said Seph

"Would a transfer from ships counciler to secerity be best?" asked CaptainWacky

"BOTH, I WANT BOTH" said Seph

"Well, Nurse Tisiphone did want a counciling session to deal with her SEX feelings towards Lt.FBI. If you can handle her, then I wont send you to the prison planet on MEAN PLANET 22!" said CaptainWacky

"Cool" said Ensign Seph.

To be continued...

 

[CaptainWacky]

Is he a betazoid?

 

[Dr Dave]

Episode 6: DISCO PARTY!

There was still 24 hours till The USS Sexy Pants would reach the planet of Mice, so Cassie suggested the ship hold a SEXY SPACE DISCO PARTY!

"It's the best idea since sliced pudding!" said CaptainWacky upon hearing the idea.

In the mess hall...

Disco music played, specificly a remix of that CLASSICAL HIT SONG Friday by Rebeca Black.

"THIS MUSIC IS TOPS!" shouted Nurse Tisiphone.

"She downed the SUPER SPIKED PUNCH in 1 minute, SHE'S GONE BALLZ MAD!" said Lt.FBI

In the corner Councilor Seph was kicking the shit out of a box of condoms.

"PARTY!" shouted Seph

"He really gets into the swing of things, TIME FOR PILLZLOL" shouted Dr Dave as he tossed pillzLOL into the air,

People were getting FUCKED UP like never before, well ok once back in 2008 they got this fucked up.

"Who's piloting the ship" asked Cassie as she got her dong cutting knife

"I found Loktar tied to a park bench on deck 69...err 22, so I beamed it up to the bridge and left him there" said Lt.FBI

"LET'S GET FREAKY AND PLAY MARIO KART!" said Dr Dave as he tossed Ensign Mirah's pants in the air.

"MY PANTS, BY CORK!" said Ensign Mirah (luckly they were here spare pants, she had brought along in case Cheif Hambil spilled some more pasta on them.

"MORE SEX CAKE!" he shouted

"CANNON BALL!!!!!!!!!" shouted Lt.Fuddlemiff as he climed onto the table and dove into the jello wrestleing pool

"Ouch" said CaptainWacky as Fuddlemiff smacked into the shalow jello pit.

"FRIDAY FRIDAY LALALALALALALDSAHFOHOFHOFHFOH" sang Dr Dave as he fell over into the jello pit.

"Uh oh!" said CaptainWacky

To be continued...