Cat Cleaners script (new sit-com)

[CaptainWacky]

*Best friends Jock Guy and Nerd Guy (who is obviously played by a good looking actor but has glasses on to make him a nerd) are in the Cat Cleaners shop*

Nerd Guy: You know...

*studio audience laughs in anticipation*

Jock Guy: Stop with the "you knows". Unless it's a "you know I'm going to stop talking now!"

*studio audience hoot with laughter*

Nerd Guy: Hey, business will pick up!

Jock Guy: I can't believe I let you talk me into opening up a CAT CLEANERS service together!

Nerd Guy: It was a brilliant idea!

Jock Guy: CATS CLEAN THEMSELVES!

*studio audience applaud wildly*

*BLACK COOL GUY enters the shoop to "wooooos!" from the studio audience*

Black Guy: What's happening, homeDICES!

Nerd Guy: Oh, hey...homie!

*studio audience laugh*

Black Guy: Son, you be trippin'! Any business yet?

Jock Guy: NO! OF COURSE NOT! I could be out playing SPORTS instead of here NOT cleaning cats!

Nerd Guy: Ah come on, at least we're doing something together. We have been BEST FRIENDS for TWELVE YEARS.

Jock Guy: Yeah, that's true. And nothing has ever come between us.

Nerd Guy: And nothing ever will!

*The door opens again and a GIRL steps in. She is wearing GLASSES and a SKIRT. The studio audience go "OOOOOOOOOOH!"*

Girl: Excuse me, is this the Cat Cleaners?

Nerd Guy: Why, do you need your pussy cleaned? OH GOD, I ALWAYS SAYS THE WRONG THING!

*studio audience applaud wildly*

Girl: I'm here abuot the job!

Jock Guy: Look lady, you're SMOKING HOT and everything, but we're not hiring!

Nerd Guy: You're hired!

Jock Guy: Durp!

*studio audience cheer*

Black Guy: And here comes your first customer!

*A fat woman with a dead cat walks in*

Fat Woman: CAN YOU KIDS CLEAN UP MAH DEAD KITTY BEFORE ITS FUNERAL?

*stuido audience roars with laughter*

Fat Woman: It's not funny, I love that cat.

*studio audience "awws"*

Nerd Guy: Yes we can, because...

Nerd Guy, Jock Guy and Girl: CAT CLEANERS IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS!

*studio audience cheer*

Black Guy: Don't you mean...BIDNESS?

*studio audience laugh*

TO BE CONTINUED!?

 

[The Tomtrek]

Who plays skirt and glasses girl this is important.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Dakota Fanning.

 

[The Tomtrek]

FUCK.

THAT.

 

[CaptainWacky]

the network insisted.

 

[whisky]

This is only the pilot, she might be replaced with Summer Glau for the series.

 

[headvoid]

I LOVE THIS SHOW BUT IT NEEDS MORE CATCHPHRASES

 

[Loktar]

MOAR CAT-PHRASES

 

[CaptainWacky]

NETWORK NOTES ON THE PILOT: I love it! But a few ESSENTIAL changes must be made.

-lose the nerd guy. He's not playing well. Plus people will compare us to The Big Bang Theory and there's no way we can competer with its sophisticated humour!

-give the black guy a name. DJ or something less lame. It's kind of racist to just call him black guy. Also he should work at Cat Cleaners instead of just hanging aroudn there. That makes him look lazy. Jock guy can be called Jock.

-Dakota Fanning has dropped out. Let's bury her character and introduce a sexy older sister! I have an actress in mind...

-Mad Uncle. Someone should have a mad uncle. He should fart a lot.

-more cats pun. PURRFECT, etc.

EPISODE TWO SCRIPT

(DJ and Jock are in CAT CLEANERS.)

DJ: Man, it's a shame your nerdy friend quit his job here and moved to the countryside to work on a farm.

Jock: Meh, he was kind of lame anyway. Not like you, man, you're my dawg!

DJ: Haha, I sure am! BALLIN'!

(Studio Audience laugh.)

Jock: Hey, I wonder where that girl the nerd hired is. She was supposed to be working today.

DJ: Yeah, that is weird.

(The door opens and Lucy played by SUMMER GLAU walks in. The studio audience WOOOOO. DJ looks directly into the camera.)

DJ: Looks like we're not getting a second season.

(The studio audience cheer at this breaking of the fourth wall.)

Lucy: Where the HELL is my little sister?

Jock: Yo, calm down, girl.

Lucy: I just got a text from her saying she's moving to the countrside to work on a farm with the man of her dreams!

Jock: Oh hey, they fell in love, that's nice!

Lucy: SHE'S ONLY SIXTEEN!

DJ: ZOINKS!

(Studio Audience laugh and cheer.)

Jock: Well, they're out of state now so there's nothing we can do!

Lucy: She was a brat anyway...I'm sorry, I shouldn't blame you guys for being friends with a paedo.

DJ: Your little sis was working here, you know, she jumped out on us too!

Lucy: What, you're saying you want me to work here in her place?

DJ: Umm...yes?

Lucy: Okay, I need a job anyway now that The Cape is cancelled!

(STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEER WILDLY.)

Jock: Huh?

Lucy: You know, that nightclub The Cape...I worked there, before its licence got revoked or you could say CANCELLED by the city because they were dealing herion in the toilets.

Jock: Oh, right.

Lucy: I don't take heroin.

Jock: Of course not.

Lucy: So what do you guys do here anyway?

DJ: We clean cats.

Lucy: Don't cats clean themselves?

DJ: Yeah, but not perfectly. One we can clean a cat perfectly...or should I say PURRFECTLY!

(Studio audience explode.)

Lucy: Where are all your customers?

(Jock's UNCLE MAC walks in with a cat.)

Jock: Uncle Mac!

Uncle Mac: Got a cat for yous!

(He slams it down on the desk. It cowers in fear.)

Lucy: Hey, take it easy, old man!

Jock: Hey, don't talke to my Uncle Mac that way, he's an eccentric character.

Lucy: Hey, don't say HEY to me in that tone of voice...JOCKSTRAP.

(Studio audience OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.)

Uncle Mac: Sorry, Jock, I was a bit rough there...truth is I'm feeling a bit rough. I feel like...I don't know, like I'm losing control of my body sometimes. It hurts to walk for too long...my feet. The feel like their curling outwars. Ever get that? No, of course not, you're young. You don't know what happens to your body when you get to my age...sometimes I feel like I'm in a living Hell...

Jock: That's my crazy Uncle Mac!

DJ: You're right, he is a trip!

Lucy: Even I'm warming tohim.

Uncle Mac: I'm serious! I think I'm losing my mind! I juct can't seem to turn off anymore...I'm thinking all the time. Worrying. My brain can't take it! I feel like I'm overheating...like I want to literally cut my skull open and place icecubes against my brain to cool it down....

Jock: Oh Uncle Mac...that's hilarious! You and your stories!

(Everyone cheers and laughs as Uncle Mac weakly smiles but sobs to himself on the inside.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

It just keeps getting better!

It was a good call to fire the nerdy guy, and give the black guy a name.

Not a bad thing that DF quit.

Nice choice of Summer for the older sister.

Will there be a "very special" episode about her heroin use at some point?

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Lucy, DJ and Jock are all working in Cat Cleaners. Uncle Mac is sitting on a stool in the corner staring into the distance.)

Jock: You okay over there, Uncle Mac?

Uncle Mac: I don't even know what I'm looking at. I thought I did, but then I lost it. I'm trying to get it back. But it won't come. Nothing will come.

Jock: Oh Uncle Mac!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Lucy: Are you sure he's okay?

Jock: He's fine, he just likes to spend time here since his wife left him for a black man...

DJ: Hey there whitebread, what you mean by that?

Jock: ...for ROGER BLACKMAN. His surname is Blackman!

(The studio audience laugh. DJ smiles and high fives Jock.)

DJ: Yeah, he owns that parrot shop in town doesn't he...taught all the parrots to say dirty words. I remember hearing about that.

Jock: And he's no fan of Cat Cleaners, not since I refused to clean his biggest parrot!

Lucy: That's why he stole your uncle's wife?

Jock: No, he did that because she puts it about!

(Studio audience hoot.)

Uncle Mac: It's true, she was cheating on me for thirty years. And we were only together for twenty five!

(Studio audience roar with laughter.)

Lucy: Yeah, well if we don't get some customers soon and make some money, we'll all be putting it about. For money! On the streets! As prostitutes!

DJ: You first!

(Studio audience woooooo. A HOT WOMAN walks in with a cat.)

Woman: Can you boys clean my pussy?

(DJ and Jock look at each other, then do a double take. All their eyebrows go up and down. Lucy rolls her eyes.)

Lucy: Stop drooling, you can't wash a cat with a drool! You boys are so pathetic, so...

(A HOT MAN enters the shop.)

Lucy: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Studio audience explode.)

Man: I was wondering if you could clean my cat.

Lucy: Your...your muscls...

Man: I do work out a lot!

Jock: Sorry about her, she has no sex life.

Man: I find that hard to believe!

Lucy: Oh my!

Woman: Excuse me, but I WAS here first.

DJ: Serve that dame, Jock!

Man: Now hold on there, missy...

(Hot Man and Hot Woman's eyes meet for the first time. They drop their cats and spontaneously begin to kiss.)

Jock: Nuts!

Lucy: Drats!

DJ: I'll put that in the wank bank!

(Studio audience woooooo.)

Man: You can...clean my cat.

Woman: Yeah...mine too...

(They leave together.)

Man: Hang on, I need to make a cool.

Woman: Make it quick, I want to have sex with you, total stranger!

(The man takes out his cell phone.)

Man: Yes...UNCLE ROGER...everything is going to plan...I, BARRY BLACKMAN will get revenge on Cat Cleaners for you!

Woman: Wait, Roger Blackman...that bastard who owns the parrot shop? He kicked me in the face once!

Barry: HE'S A GOOD MAN...

(Barry starts to strangle the woman.)

Barry: A GOOD MAN.

(She falls to the ground dead.)

Barry: Oh God, not again! And now...I have a taste for murder. I'm going to have to kill another girl soon...

(He looks through the window of Cat Cleaners...AT LUCY.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

That Barry!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Lucy, DJ and Jock are in Cat Cleaners. Uncle Mac is sleeping under the desk.)

Jock: Aww, he likes it under there.

(Studio audience laugh.)

Lucy: Shouldn't you have him taken into care or something?

Jock: Hey, I care!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Lucy: What? That didn't even make sense!

DJ: Man, where are all our customers today, I'm itching to clean some kitties!

Lucy: It has been even more quiet than usual today...

Jock: ...apart from Uncle Mac's snoring!

(Studio audience begin loudly chanting "JOCK IS OUR COMEDY GOD.")

Lucy: Fuck's sake.

(The door opens and a man with a cat comes in.)

DJ: This one's mine!

Jock: Why DJ, I didn't know you swung that way!

(Jock motions swinging a baseball bat as the studio audience cry with laughter.)

DJ: What would you like done to your cat today, sir?

Man: I want it cleaned! HANG ON, I'm getting a text message...

(He takes out his phone and reads a TEXT MESSAGE.)

Man(READING): There is a big sale at the Parrot Shop, come quickly.

(He turns to leave, with his cat.)

DJ: Man, where you going!?

Man: You heard the text, there's a big sale at the Parrot Shop! Old man Blackman NEVER has sales! I'm not missing that!

DJ: Damn Parrot Shop!

Lucy: We're losing all our business to them!

Jock: That asshole Blackman, he'll never forgive me for refusing to clean his parrot!

(BARRY BLACKMAN who is secretly the nephew of ROGER BLACKMAN and also a murderer of women walks into the shop. Lucy starts TIDYING HER HAIR.)

Lucy: How does my hair look?

Jock: It doesn't look, it hasn't got any eyes!

(Studio audience explode.)

Lucy: Hi there...umm, what's your name?

Barry: It's Barry Bla...Blanose. Barry Blanose!

Lucy: Unusual name...for a handsome man. Oops, I didn't mean to say that out loud!

Barry: How about you say it...OUT TO DINNER WITH ME!?

Lucy: Oh HELL YES!

(Jock whispers to DJ.)

Jock: There's something about this Blanose guy I don't like...

DJ: Yeah, the fact that he's going to eat Lucy's pussy before you!

(Studio audience wooooooo!)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

It just keeps getting better!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Lucy and Barry are eating dinner at a FANCY FRENCH RESTAURANT.)

Lucy: I'm so glad you asked me out, I haven't been on a date with a nice normal guy for months!

Barry: I'm not normal...

Lucy(worried): No?

Barry: I have WEBBED TOES!

Lucy: ...you do?

Barry: No!

Lucy: Oh!

(Studio audience laugh. In the background a SNOOTY FRENCH WAITER is cursing.)

Waiter: Sacre blu, these oafs know nothing about WINE!

Barry: Hey, what's going on over there?

Lucy: I don't...oh no...

(Sitting at another table are JOCK AND DJ wearing HILARIOUS DISGUISES. Jock has a false beard and DJ is wearing big comical glasses. The studio audience applauds loudly.)

Jock: Well I didn't know white wine and red wine were two different things!

DJ: I can't take you anywhere!

(Studio audience laughs.)

DJ: Hey, do you think she's recognised us?

Jock: Nah!

Lucy: God fucking damn it.

Barry: Hey, are those the two guys you work with? What are they doing here?

Lucy: I just want to die...

(She holds a menu up over her face.)

Barry: I take it you don't want to invite them over?

Lucy: NO.

Barry: Man, no wonder their cat cleaning shop gets no business...or so I hear.

Lucy: Hey, if they're here, who IS looking after Cat Cleaners right now?

(CUT TO Cat Cleaners where UNCLE MAC is sitting in a chair in the middle of the shop, staring into the distance, as FIFTY CATS run wild scratching up the place. One scratches Uncle Mac right in the face but he doesn't even notice.)

Uncle Mac: I used to have so many things I was proud of. Now? I don't even know why I keep breathing.

(He looks down at his shoes sadly as one cat somehow makes part of the shop EXPLODE. Studio audience applaud loudly. Back to the restaurant.)

Jock: I'm sure Uncle Mac's doing fine!

DJ: I don't know, that guy is CRACKED!

Jock: Hey, don't be racist!

DJ: I said cracked, not cracker! Damn! Anyway, why did you INSIST on coming here to spy on Lucy?

Jock: We're not spying on her, just watching out for her. There's something about that Barry guy I don't trust!

DJ: Yeah, his cock!

Jock: I'm serious! What if he's a serial killer or something?

DJ: Man you got some far fetched ideas!

(Lucy is drinking LOTS OF WINE.)

Lucy: Urrr...I feel dizzy.

Barry: Maybe I should take you home.

Lucy: Yeah...urrrr....sorry for ruining our evening.

Barry: Are you kidding? I've had a great time!

Lucy: Can we sneak out without those two seeing?

Barry: I'll creat a diversion...HEY LOOK, IT'S BATMAN.

Jock: Where, WHERE!?

(Studio audience cheer wildly. Jock loves Batman! Barry and Lucy run out as Jock looks around. DJ notices.)

DJ: Damn dawg, they're getting away!

Jock: Come on!

(They run out into the car park in time to see BARRY DRIVE OFF WITH LUCY.)

Jock: What now!?

DJ: A taxi!

(A taxi has JUST PULLED UP. They jump inside.

Jock and DJ: FOLLOW THAT CAR!

(The taxi driver turns round. He is...UNCLE MAC!?)

UNCLE MAC!?: Okay, boys!

Jock and DJ: UNCLE MAC!?

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

Let's hope the cab isn't stolen.

 

[Cassie]

I like to imagine this is Lucy. SHE'S REALLY GOOD WITH THE KITTIES.

 

[Dr Dave]

That cat seems very happy!

When I think of Lucy, I think of Lucy from 7th Heaven.

 

[CaptainWacky]

GIRLS LOVE CATS.

 

[Dr Dave]

It's because they are soft, girls like soft things.

I like cats too.