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Cat Cleaners script (new sit-com)

(We see Lucy waking up in an unfamiliar bed. Studio audience start to "ooooooh!" instantly.)

Lucy: Where...where am I?

(She looks around.)

Lucy: This is...Barry Blackman's bed!

(The studio audience loudly "WOOOOOO!")

Lucy: But did we...

(The camea PULLS BACK to reveal Barry SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR beside the bed! The studio audience applaud this development. They weren't expecting it!)

Lucy: OOOOOH!

(Studio audience laugh. Barry wakes up.)

Barry: Good morning!

Lucy: Good morning to you. I remember now! I came here last night, after I ran out on that stinking Cat Cleaners place for the last time.

Barry: Yes, we talked all night and became closer than ever before.

Lucy: But you were still a gentleman...and didn't take advantage of me in my emotional state.

Barry: Of course not!

Lucy: Oh, Barry, you're so...

(Her phone rings. The studio audience laugh, even though this isn't funny.)

Lucy: Fucking Cat Cleaners! They want me to come back to work!

Barry: What do you want to do?

Lucy: I've had it with them!

(She throws her phone out of the window as the studio audience "OOOOOOH!")

Lucy: I'm all yours now.

Barry: Yes you are...FOREVER.

Lucy: Huh?

Barry: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Lucy: Huh?

Barry: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(He pulls a knife out.)

Lucy: What...what are you going to do with that? Barry? Barry? Why are you lunging towards me with that knife...

(Fade to black.)
 
(Uncle Mac has arrived at the Parrot Shop, with his axe.)

Uncle Mac: BLACKMAN! GET YOUR WHITE BUTT OUT HERE.

(The door to the Parrot Shop opens BY ITSELF.)

Uncle Mac: I know this is a trap...and I don't care anymore. I'm ending this today, one way or another.

(He enters the parrot shop. It is dark. Suddenly, a parrot flies at Uncle Mac!)

Parrot: COCK, COCK, LOVE TO SUCK COCK!

(Mac punches the parrot out.)

Mac: Who taught you to say that?

(A light turns on. Roger Blackman and Mac's ex-wife Katherine are standing at the other side of the shop. Studio audience oooooooooooh.)

Katherine: Hello, Mac.

Mac: Oh God, Kathy, what has he done to you.

Roger: Me? I haven't done anything.

Mac: YOU CORRUPTED HER. YOU TOOK HER AWAY FROM ME. TAUGHT HER TO TEACH PARROTS DIRTY WORDS.

Roger: Did I? DID I?

Roger: Yes! It's the only explanation!

Katherine: Oh, Mac. Why can't you see...that I was always a slut?

(Studio audience laugh as Mac stares in disbelief, tears in his eyes.)

Mac: It's not true! You were a good wife!

Katherine: I cheat on you every day of our marriage! I fucked your twin brother in front of you one day, you pretended not to see! I brought strings of lovers into our bed while you were downstairs watching football, pretending you couldn't hear! I ABORTED EVERY BABY YOU IMPREGNATED ME WITH. I'm repulsive!

(Studio audience woooooooo!)

Mac: I...no...it was Blackman...

Roger: Was it? WAS IT?

Mac: I...it hurts so much.

Katherine: I'm sorry, Mac. I can't help what I am. A dirty whore.

Roger: She sure is!

(Studio audience whoop.)

Mac: No...NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Mac swings his axe, without warning. He chops Roger Blackman's head clean off. The studio audience are silent for a moment. Then they cheer!)

Mac: I...I did it. I can't believe I did it.

(He falls to his knees, crying tears of relief...but then spots something. A spring has popped out of Roger Blackman's neck.)

Mac: What the...

(Blackman's head bursts into flames, revealing it to be ROBOTIC.)

Mac: He...he was a robot!?

Katherine: That's right. And you never saw it coming!

Mac: But...

(The parrot from earlier suddenly flies at the confused Mac's face again.)

Parrot: COCK, COCK, AND BALLS, TEA-BAGGING, SQUAWK!

(It's claws Mac's eyes as Katherine smiles evily. Fade to black.)
 
(Jock and DJ are still trying to raise the two hundred grand.)

DJ: What are we going to do? We only have five days!

Jock: And your brother wants money too! He'll cap our asses if we don't get him money!

DJ: I don't want a cap in my ass!

Jock: Me neither!

(They cuddle in fear like Scooby Doo and Shaggy as the studio audience howl with laughter.)

DJ: How can we get some money?

Jock: We could...sell something...something big...

DJ: That's good, that's good thinking, but what?

Jock: I don't know, something really big...what's big...

DJ: Something big...

Jock: I know! An elephant!

(Studio audience woooooo.)

DJ: You think we should sell an elephant.

Jock: Yes!

DJ: We don't have an elephant.

Jock: We'll steal one!

DJ: From where?

Jock: Africa!

DJ: Africa.

Jock: No, that's silly...the zoo!

DJ: What zoo?

Jock: There's a zoo...in the next city. I think.

DJ: Does it have elephants?

Jock: I don't know!

DJ: Right. So we should steal an elephant from a zoo which may or may not exist and which may or may not have elephants. Using our elephant stealing skills.

Jock: Yes!

DJ: You know what? I'm pretty much done here...

(DJ starts to walk out as the studio audience gasp in confusion. But before he can leave, his brother X barges in with a gun. And a ho!)

X: Yo, nigga, where you runnin' at? You AIN'TS runnin' nowhere, dawgass! Not until I GETS my money!

Ho: I need some for crack baby!

X: You ain't on crack!

Ho: No, for crack baby. Our crack baby. Our baby who's hooked on crack!

X: Oh yeah, I forgot about him!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Jock: Hey, umm, "dawg", you said we had six days.

X: OH, THE WHITE MAN WANTS TO TALK TO ME NOW. SIX DAYS, WHITE MAN? YOU KNOW WHAT CAN HAPPEN IN SIXASS DAYS? I could get shot, whitey! I could get shot in my DICK! You want that to happen, huh? Is that what your whiteass is saying?

Jock: No!

X: I need the money NOW, biatch!

DJ: Look, brother, I don't know what happened to you, but we don't have any money!

X: OOOOOOOH, Uncle Tom's speaking to me now, huh? You so up with this WHITE FOOL now that you forgotten your roots, man!

DJ: That's where you're wrong! I'm SICK OF JOCK'S CRAP.

(Studio audience woooooo!)

X: Then help me shoot him and rob him blind!

DJ: No! Just because I've realised Jock is functionally retarded, doesn 't mean I'm going to turn into a criminal!

X: MAN, THAT'S WHITEASS TALK. We gots NOTHING, kid! We grew up BLACK in our BLACK HOUSE while the WHITE MAN makes all the money with their big fancy BUSINESS SUITS. You ain't with me you against me, you feel that?

Ho: Shot him too!

DJ: Don't shoot anyone, X, come on! This isn't you!

Ho: Man, I'm hungry, I want a crackburger, just shoot them both!

Jock: Now everyone just calm down! I have a plan to steal an elephant and that'll make us some money!

X: Where you goin' get an elephant at?

Jock: Africa!

X: AFRICA? MAN, YOU BEIN' RACIST UP IN HERE? YOU BEIN' A RACIST AT MY FACE, MAN?

Jock: No, I meant the zoo!

X: YOU SAYIN' I BELONG IN A ZOO! I KILL YOU!

(X SHOOTS JOCK IN THE STOMACH!)

DJ: NO!

X: Yes! And now to finish him off! I alays kill my mens in TWO SHOTS. That's how I roll!

(He starts to PULL THE TRIGGER to fire again but DJ DIVES IN THE WAY OF THE BULLET.)

X: MAN!

Ho: Shit!

DJ: Oouch, I've been shot!

X: Yo, I'm out of here! I'll tell mom and dad you moved to Canada!

(He grabs the ho and runs out. Jock and DJ lie on the floor side by side, bleeding out.)

Jock: This is the end.

DJ: I'm sorry for calling you a retard.

Jock: If only...we'd got that elephant...

DJ: I'm so cold...so cold...

(Jock reaches out with his hand. After a pause, DJ takes it.)

Jock: You're the best friend I ever had.

DJ: You too...

Jock: GURGLE.

DJ: SPLUTTER.

(THEY BOTH DIE.)

TO BE CONTINUED!?
 
(Jock and DJ are lying on the floor of Cat Cleaners. Jock opens his eyes.)

Jock: Am I...am I...dead?

(DJ wakes up too.)

DJ: Am I am I am I dead too1?

(They look at each other.)

Both: IS THIS HEAVEN?

(Studio audience cheer.)

Jock: It must be...if we're together...

(They stand up and notice UNCLE MAC AND LUCY lying on the floor as well!)

Jock: Uncle Mac! Lucy! You're in Heaven too!?

Lucy: Urr...what? Last thing I remember, Barry was about to stab me with a knife.

Uncle Mac: And a parrot was killing me!

DJ: Man, seems like we really are all dead. But why are we in Cat Cleaners?

Jock: It's just like in the last episode of Lost!

(Studio audience cheer the mention of a tv show they remember.)

Jock: We all ended up in the place that meant most to us when we were alive!

Lucy: Cat Cleaners didn't mean shit to me. I'm not dead!

Jock: You are! I know it's hard to accept, but you were brutally stabbed to death by Barry. Probably raped too!

(Studio audience laugh.)

DJ: It's true, Lucy. Me and Jock both got shot. See, look at this...hang on, there's no blood?

Jock: What? Huh? But we saw the bullets!

DJ: Hold on...

(DJ pulls the bullet out of his body.)

DJ: This bullet's made out of choclate!

(Jock pulls his bullet out and eats it.)

Jock: Mine too! What the flip!

(Studio audience cheer Jock's NEW CATCPHRASE.)

Uncle Mac: What does any of this shit mean? I'd welcome death at this point.

Voice: It means YA'LL JUST GOT PLIZZAYED!

(X, Barry, Roger and Katherine walk in, and a ROBOT PARROT.)

DJ: Stay back, my brother's dangerous!

X: Man, haven't you figured it out yet? This was all part of the movie I was making! Remember, I went to make it big as a director? I decided to do a real life Truman Show, on ALL YOUR ASSES! NONE OF THIS WAS REAL! That's why I shot you with choclate bullets!

Barry: And I stabbed you with a fake knife which contained a toxin that knocked you out, silly!

Lucy: So...you're not an evil murderer after all?

Barry: No!

Lucy: And you really DO love me!?

Barry: No! I'm just an actor! I'm actually gay!

X: Don't I know it!

(X and Barry make out. Studio audience explode. Lucy looks at the floor.)

Lucy: Oh...oh. Right. Of course.

Jock: Don't be homophobic, Lucy! Haha, what a great trick, X! This will be a great movie! I guess that explains why our lives have been so wacky lately! So we don't really owe two hundred thousand dollars to anyone?

Roger: Nah, that was part of the storyline! I don't care if there's a cat cleaning shop opened up, it doesn't hurt my parrot business at all! I've even designed ROBOT PARROTS recently! Things are great for me and you kids are alright!

Mac: Then that means...the affair, all of it...that was part of the story too! Everything that's happened to me, that's driven me to insanity, made me into a monster...that was all fake!

Katherine: What? Eww, no. I fucking hate you, Mac. I really am married to Roger.

Roger: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Mac: What's my axe?

X: It was made out of choclate too!

(Everyone laughs except Mac and Lucy, who just try hard not to cry.)

Jock: So...what do we do now?

(TEN NUNS walk in, carrying bags of DIRTY CATS.)

Nun: We need these cats cleaned within FOUR HOURS or else A HUNDRED ORPHANS will die of boredom!

Jock and DJ: Here we go again!

(They high five as the studio audience applaud.)

Jock: And Lucy, now that you're single...maybe there's a chance for us?

(She knees him in the balls.)

Jock(in high pitched voice): She didn't say no!

END OF SEASON ONE
 
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