Cat Cleaners: Season 3

[CaptainWacky]

THIS SUNDAY

ON AN ALL NEW CAT CLEANERS

THE CHAMP MEETS A LEGEND

(The Champ is at America's Got Talent boot camp.)

The Champ: Who are you?

Justin Bieber: I'm Justin Bieber, bitch!

JUSTIN BIEBER GUEST STARS IN A VERY SPECIAL CAT CLEANERS

ONLY ON FOX

 

[Cassie]

BE CAREFUL THE CHAMP. Those Beliebers will claw your eyes out.

 

[Dr Dave]

Leave it to FOX to pull this kinda thing.

 

[CaptainWacky]

A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE PART ONE
STORY BY DR DAVE AND CAPTAINWACKY
TELEPLAY BY CAPTAINWACKY

(The Champ is at America's Got Talent boot camp.)

The Champ: Man! Can't believe this is my life now! Used to be the champion of the world!

Uncle Mac: Hey, SUCK IT UP. Soon you'll be the champion of the REALITY TV world. After this you can get on CELEBRITY APPRENTICE and punch Donald Trump's creepy daughter! It'll trend worldwide on Twitter! SO SUCK IT UP.

The Champ: Man, when'd you get so pushy?

Uncle Mac: When I started dating Token Female Judge. She said I can be somebody in the entertainment business. THAT'S WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED, I just realised! The first step is managing your career. SO GO OVER THERE AND TALK TO YOUR MENTOR.

The Champ: There's just some kid over there!

Uncle Mac: Talk to him then!

(The Champ walks over to SOME KID...)

The Champ: Who are you?

Justin Bieber: I'm Justin Bieber, bitch!

(The biggest cheer IN THE HISTORY OF ANYTHING comes from the studio audience. The noise of many teenage girls fainting and hitting the ground can be heard.)

The Champ: Who?

Justin Bieber: Bitch, please!

(Several members of the studio audience kill themselves, knowing that life will never be better than this.)

The Champ: Anyway, you'e heard my song, what can I do to improve it?

Bieber: You need to find one word and replace it over and over. Like "baby" for example.

The Champ: But I say "what what"! That's my thing! What what!

Bieber: "What what" is out. "Baby" is in!

The Champ: NEVER!

(SIMON COWELL takes Bieber to one side.)

Cowell: Justin, The Champ is a comedy act. We've LAUGHING AT HIM when he says "what what". It's the whole appeal! It has to continue!

Bieber: OOOOH, okay.

(Bieber walks back to The Champ.)

Bieber: You know, I actually think "what what" is DOPE! KEEP IT UP!

The Champ: Thanks kid! Now, when does my mentor get here?

(Bieber makes "he's cuckoo" face!)

(MEANWHILE, Lucy is seeing a therapist.)

Therapist: How may I help you?

Lucy: Well, I don't think you can, but my friend DJ INSISTED I come see you.

Therapist: He must be a great friend.

Lucy: He's okay. Not as good as Jock. NOBODY IS.

Therapist: How long have you had feelings for this Jock?

Lucy: Since the start of this season!

Therapist: You mean since the start of summer?

Lucy: Of course, what else could I have meant!

Therapist: Your feelings seem very strong.

Lucy: I LOVE HIM MORE THAN LOVE.

Therapist: Did you feel like this when you first met him?

Lucy: No, I hate him! His friend Nerd Guy took my seventeen year old sister out of the state to have unlawful sex with her. Nobody's seen her since.

Therapist: Tell me more about your sister...

Lucy: Well, we had a normal relationship. I mean, when she was born and I was a little girl, I hated her, obviously. Tried to stab her to death in her cot. But that's normal, right?

Therapist: Of course...

(Therapist writes down "POTENTIAL PSYCHOPATH, CALL THE COPS?" on Lucy's notes.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

That chick is bonkers.

 

[Fuddlemiff]

There better be a Fear of Flying reference!

(Should be good!)

 

[CaptainWacky]

A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE PART TWO
STORY BY DR DAVE AND CAPTAINWACKY
TELEPLAY BY CAPTAINWACKY

(The Champ is about to perform in front of a LIVE CROWD OF PRETTY PEOPLE at America's Got Talent boot camp. JUSTIN BIEBER is there.)

Justin Bieber: Just do what we talked about.

The Champ: I don't know, man, I want to talk to my manager Uncle Mac. Where is he anyone?

Token Female Judge: He's certainly NOT under this desk eating me out!

Uncle Mac(muffled, from under the desk): Not me!

(Studio audience explode.)

The Champ: I don't know if I want to do this, I don't want to be a clown!

Justin Bieber: It's better than being a BUM nobody cares about!

(Bieber PUSHES The Champ on stage.)

Simon Cowell: So are you going to do your little rap now?

The Champ: I...I guess.

Simon Cowell: GET ON WITH IT THEN.

(The pretty people stand staring at The Champ in comlete silence.)

The Champ: My name's the champ, I'm magnified without an amp, used to punch fool's in the face, but now my career is out in space, got shot in the leg by a mad man, people forgot about me I ain't got one fan, my life is a mess and this is what a I do best, all the pretty girls please show me your chest! I HATE THIS LIFE, KILL ME WITH A KNIFE, STAB ME TO DEATH, MAKE ME TAKE MY LAST BREATH, I'D RATHER BE DEAD THAN DO THIS SHIT, I CAN'T BEING TO COUNT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE I WANT TO HIT, USED TO BE THE FUCKING MAN, NOW I'M DESPERATE LIKE COW PIE EATING DAN.

(The pretty people do not react at all. The Champ sighs.)

The Champ: What what! What what! WHAT WHAT!

(The pretty people cheer and start dancing.)

Simon Cowell: Moderately impressive!

Token Black Judge: You got the jive soul, brother!

Token Female Judge(reaching Uncle Mac assisted orgasm): OH GOD YES!

Justin Bieber: I taught him everything he knows!

(The Champ walks off the stage with his head held low. MEANWHILE, Lucy is still with the counsellor.)

Lucy: ...and that was when I pushed my little sister in the way of a car. She lived. The driver died though...

Therapist: Riiiight. Well, I think you should stay away from this Jock person...

Lucy: FUCK YOU.

(Lucy kicks the therapist in the knee.)

Therapist: Oww!

Lucy: Sorry, but just don't tell me what to do!

Therapist: It's my PROFESSIONAL OPINION.

Lucy: Oh no, I can't ignore a professional opinion!

Therapist: So you'll stop seeing him, then?

Lucy: FUCK YOU!

(She kicks the therapist in the face and runs out. SUDDENLY, DJ comes out FROM BEHIND THE POTTED PLANT.)

DJ: Good work, BROTHER.

(The therapist rips his face off REVEALING THAT HE IS X, DJ'S BROTHER FROM SEASON ONE REMEMBER HIM HE'S AN ACTOR, WEARING a RUBBER THERAPIST MASK.)

X: She keeps hittng me!

DJ: But you're well on your way to talking her out of ever seeing Jock again! Now you have to move on TO CONVINCING HER TO SEE ME INSTEAD.

X: Don't you see, bro? That makes you as bad as her! As CRAZY as her!

DJ: Exactly! I LOVE LUCY so if she's crazy, then it must be right to be crazy! The only way to make her love me is to start acting TOTES CRAY-CRAY!

(DJ EATS A BATTERY as the studio audience cheer.)

X: Seriously, I think the cat cleaning chemicals you guys use are affecting your brains...

DJ: MMM, BATTERIES!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Back at CAT CLEANERS, Jock walks into an empty shop.)

Jock: Hello? Is anyone here? I'm just back from my DATE WITH SUSAN. Who's looking after the shop?

(DJ runs in.)

DJ: Uhh, hi! I was here all the time!

Jock: Why were you outside?

DJ: I needed to pee!

Jock: ...but we have a bathroom.

DJ: Uncle Mac smeared shit on the mirror again!

Jock: Damn it!

(Studio audience explode.)

DJ: So, how'd the date go?

Jock: It was supertastic!

(Studio audience cheer Jock's NEW CATCHPHRASE.)

DJ: So, it was your THIRD DATE, wasn't it?

Jock: Yeah, mandog!

DJ: So did you COMPLETE THE TRANSACTION?

Jock: Sure did!

(Studio audience "WOOOOOO!")

DJ: That's great!

Jock: Yep! She agreed to supply all the chinese food to Cat Cleaners!

DJ: Thatl's...what?

Jock: Remember the idea we had to start serving chinese food to people waiting for their cats to be cleaned?

DJ: Sure...but that's not what I meant. I meant, because it was the third date...did you SEAL THE DEAL?

Jock: Yeah, I told you, we signed a contract and everything!

DJ: NO, I MEAN SEX. DID YOU HAVE SEX?

Jock: No, of course not, we're not married!

(Studio audience: Awww!)

DJ: You knucklehead! Now Lucy will think she has a chance with you!

Jock: But...Lucy doesn't like me...

DJ: OOPS!

Jock: You mean...I could be with Lucy...

(Susan walks in with loads of CHINESE FOOD.)

Susan: I brought the food!

DJ: Forget what I said, Jock, Susan's the one you want. She brought the food!

Jock: But...

(DJ desperately lets a cat out of its cage.)

DJ: LOOK, A CAT, ARGH!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock and DJ are scrubbing some cats with BIG SMILES on their faces.)

Jock: What a kerazy month!

DJ: You said it, hombre!

Jock: I can't believe I dumped Susan for Lucy only to find out that she'd married you in Las Vegas!

DJ: I can't believe Uncle Mac got ordained on the internet and performed the service!

Jock: I can't believe The Champ won America's Got Talent and left Cat Cleaners to go to Hollywood and have an affair with Kristen Stewart!

DJ: I can, I found Twilight DVDs in his locker!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Jock: WHO KNOWS what will happen next!

(Lucy coms in.)

Lucy: I'm pregnant! And I don't know which of you is the father!

(Studio Audience: OOOOOH!)

Jock and DJ: Uh oh!

(A man wearing a sash reading "HEALTH INSPECTOR" walks in.)

Health Inspector: I've had reports of DANGEROUS CAT CLEANING CHEMICALS being used in this shop, the kind that can cause insanity after prolonged exposure!

Jock: What! We're not insane! Bibble flibble!

Lucy: Yeah, get out of here while I work out which of these two impregnated me! Now, I held hands with Jock on the fourth of Julaugust, but I kissed DJ on the cheek last Sunurday...

Health Inspector: Clearly you people ARE insane, I have to get rid of those chemicals!

Voice: DON'T YOU DARE!

(Studio audience cheer as UNCLE MAC swings down from the ceiling with a sword.)

Uncle Mac: Avast ye, matey! Hands off our fun juice!

Health Inspector: I need to call the police!

Uncle Mac: Yarr, ye'll do no such thing!

(Uncle Mac kicks the Health Inspector in the balls.)

DJ: What should we do with him?

Jock: Lock him in the cat cleaning machine and turn it on!

DJ: That can't possibly end badly!

(They lock him in the cat cleaning machine and turn it on.)

Health Inspector: No...exposing me to such a high concentration of these chemicals will kill me...glug glug...

(He starts to drown as Jock, DJ, Lucy and Uncle Mac watch on, smiling.)

Jock: He'll never spoil our fun now.

DJ: We'll live together in cat cleaners forever and ever and ever!

Lucy: It was meant to be!

Uncle Mac: DEATH TO THE INFIDELS!

Voice: STOP THIS, FOOLS!

(THE CHAMP walks in all BLINGED UP as the studio audience explode.)

Jock: The Champ!? I thought you were in LA with K-Stew!

The Champ: She cheated on me with Piers Morgan! Crazy fools! But I got them back by burning down their houses! Now I'm banned from Hollywood for life and I'm back here to say "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING?"

Uncle Mac: Just drowning this health inspector before he takes our mind-altering drugs away from us.

The Champ: Damn it, I knew there was something freaky about them chemicals! I was starting to go crazy before I went to LA!

(The Champ PUNCHES the cat cleaning machine open and drags the health inspector out. SOME OF THE CHEMICALS splash in Uncle Mac's face.)

Uncle Mac: Argh, my face!

(He runs away.)

The Champ: I saved you before you were driven mad like these suckers!

Health Inspector: Thank you...but...I feel fine! Meep meep the fuddlemeeps!

The Champ: Oh no!

Health Inspector: Maybe just use SLIGHTLY LESS chamicals?

(Jock empties some of the chemicals out.)

Jock: I feel saner already!

DJ: Yeah, I just remembered that Lucy and I aren't legally married and it was all a scam. Sorry, guys, I was mad!

Jock: That's okay!

(They hug.)

Jock: Everything's back to normal!

Lucy: Wait, I'm still pregnant!

The Champ: Yeah?

Lucy: But Obama's still president, right?

The Champ: Yeah.

Lucy: Then it's abortionin' time!

(Everyone laughs. Uncle Mac comes back in. His OLD FACE from before the coma and plastic surgery if you remember that storyline is back!)

Uncle Mac: Damn chemicals!

DJ: Hey, how do I get this cat cleaning machine to start up again?

Jock: Hit the RESET BUTTON!

(Everyone WINKS then starts dancing.)

The Champ: Even I can't deny that dancing is fun!

Health Inspector: Uhh...where do I live?

END OF SEASON

 

[Dr Dave]

Good season.

Bump for MF reunion!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Cast changes for season four!?

 

[Dr Dave]

Is the network demanding changes?

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Uncle Mac, does he really need to be human?" - cryptic network note.

 

[Dr Dave]

If they turn him into a moth, I will be most displeased.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Uh oh...

 

[Dr Dave]

Oh no they don't the corks!

 

[CaptainWacky]

She had nine black cats and one white, her slaves, with whom she conversed, or read their memories, setting them to discover all the dark secrets of Gondor, so that she knew those things 'that men wish most to keep hidden', setting the white cat to spy upon the black, and tormenting them. No man in Gondor dared touch them; all were afraid of them, and cursed when they saw them pass.