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Dominance and Submission

Miss Cait, if you please, one question: (you know me, always curious)
what do you man by vanilla relationships? You used that phrase more than once. It is a euphemism for bland? :D
 
It's just a scene label to differentiate between 'us' and 'normal' people. I don't think we use it to mean 'bland', at least I don't. I just use to to distinguish 'us' from 'them'. LOL ;)

"Vanilla" refers to the normal relationships that 75% of people are engaged in... Or put in a better way, vanilla are non-BDSM relationships.
 
Thanks for bumping all those threads, Cait. I'm learning a lot. I feel like I just scratched the surface. And the more I read, the more I'm sure this is the right path for me...for now.
 
The Question said:
I still love this quote... "Normal is what everyone else is, and you are not." :P
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Well that's true enough. I just use the word vanilla because I am too lazy to keep on referring to non-BDSM people as non-BDSM people.

Course if you ask me, there is an element of power in ALL relationships. So you're right, no one is really vanilla in that sense.
 
Yeah... you know, even after all this time thinking about it, I still don't think either "dominant" or "submissive" fits, exactly. I'm sure there are people out there who, like me, get fired up not so much by being dominated as by resisting domination.
 
If I may be frank, TQ...

If I were to label you, I'd label you a sub more than anything else, taking into account how you like to be overpowered and restrained by women sexually (your scissors fetish).

That wasn't a judgment, but an observation.
 
That could very well be. But the way I look at it, any exploration into what makes us tick, when it comes to sexual arousal, is a good thing.

Who cares if we fit into a nice neat label? I sure don't. It's the exploration that matters. Coming to an understanding of who I am, and what flips my switch is what I seek. What that reveals puts me intimately in touch with who I really am.
 
And that's the journey I have just begun.

As to how to start in RL, I don't know. My living situation is such that I have to uphold a certain wholesome image. How do I reconcile that with my exploration?
 
Friday said:
If I may be frank, TQ...

If I were to label you, I'd label you a sub more than anything else, taking into account how you like to be overpowered and restrained by women sexually (your scissors fetish).

That wasn't a judgment, but an observation.
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See I'm not sure it is submissiveness as much as a kink. I wouldn't call it a fetish because there's no item present that he needs to be aroused. But being over powered doesn't necessarily mean submissiveness.

It can just be a kink of his.

And only TQ would know for sure which it really was.
 
Friday said:
And that's the journey I have just begun.

As to how to start in RL, I don't know. My living situation is such that I have to uphold a certain wholesome image. How do I reconcile that with my exploration?
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Well, you could always go the classical route with that. You know, alter-ego. :bwahaha:
 
Friday said:
How do I reconcile that with my exploration?
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The great thing about sexuality is... you'll find a way to meet your needs. Desire, lust, need and pleasure are all highly motivating instincts

You'll find a way.

Trust me!
 
The Question said:
Well, you could always go the classical route with that. You know, alter-ego. :bwahaha:
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I'm dense tonight. I'm not getting this. Please elucidate.

Cait, where there's a will, there's a way? Hmm...
 
Morrhigan said:
Oh, and Cait, I know what you mean about tattoos! I got my tat before I got into BDSM, and I remember being high as a kite from the endorphins but not understanding why. Kept giggling, breathing deeply, giggling some more. We did the whole thing in one shot - three hours of outlining, then filling in with color. Wheeeee!
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That's an interesting point...and an aspect I had not considered...I always categorised myself as 'mildly interested in B&D, but pain? No thanks' (mainly because pain=dentist=terrified in my mind...not logical, I know, but if you say pain, that's what I think of.

But yeah, when I had my tattoo done (only about an hour and a half? I think.) I was sitting there relaxed and joking and not using the stress ball he'd given me, and afterwards my friend (who was driving me) and I went out for pie and we soooooo flirted and giggled with the waiter (and i'm neither the giggly nor the flirty type).

I'm not sure if I was 'high as a kite', but there was definately something going on. Thank you Morrighan, for making that point. I'll ponder that later...err..this morning.

Quick Question.

How do you as a total newbie get into this world safely? I tried going to one club in Manchester (i'm now near london, but not in it) when I lived there and it scared the dickens out of me.

Edited to add: that may have just been unfamiliarity at the time - I've learned some since then, but do you have any advice on telling 'good' from 'bad' in this respect?
 
Chaddee said:
Quick Question.

How do you as a total newbie get into this world safely? I tried going to one club in Manchester (i'm now near London, but not in it) when I lived there and it scared the dickens out of me.

Edited to add: that may have just been unfamiliarity at the time - I've learned some since then, but do you have any advice on telling 'good' from 'bad' in this respect?
Click to expand...

Well.... ;)

First, I'd stay clear of public clubs at the beginning, they'll scare you too much until you understand where you fit [if at all] in it all. First find out who you are.

I'd search out a local group "munch" [a benign get together]. They are usually in a public and safe place. No play or fetish wear usually. Just a bunch of kinksters getting together for tea and crumpets. It's a nice safe way into the 'world' of BDSM.

Some groups have demonstrations of bondage, or fire play, etc.... You can attend and sometimes there is a play party afterward. You can stay clear of actual public play and the stress of that, and stay in the 'I'd like to know more about it' area of demos and munches at first.

Then, I'd use the Internet to explore your own inner desires and the world of BDSM. There are tons of really good sites out there. [No, I don't mean the porn sites.] It'sd a safe and sane place to read, explore your own inner feelings and desire, and without the stress of Dominants 'telling' you want you are. ;)

Here are a few I found to have some good information. Mind you they are NOT the be all end all of BDSM. Each does offer something that made me 'think' though, so I'm passing them along.

http://www.soj.org/main.html

http://www.enslavement.org.uk/yld-healthy

http://www.geocities.com/ocean_shells2000/LifestyleLinks.html

http://www.enslavement.org.uk/

http://www.tanos.org.uk/

http://www.gloriabrame.com/diflove/authorsdiflove.html#

http://latches.webslaves.com/conten...age+and+it+is+legal+for+me+to+enter+this+site.

Some people like castle realm.. I'm not sure I do, but it was a good place to begin.

http://castlerealm.com/
 
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