Dr Dave In The Prison Of The Soul

[CaptainWacky]

PROLOGUE

My friend Dr Dave and I were sitting in his front room, waiting to watch a previously unseen episode of Murder, She Wrote on his adequately sized televison set. The original recording of the episode had been thought lost in a fire and only recovered recently by a highly devoted Angela Lansbury fan. Dr Dave himself had tracked the fan down and demanded the episode be broadcast publically. The world deserve to see it, he had said. I can't say that I disagreed!

"Coming up later tonight, another tribute the Queen of Pop Madonna on the sixth month anniversary of her death!" said the televison announced. "But first, the television event of the year: NEW MURDER, SHE WROTE, BABY!"

"A most unprofessional outbust," admonished Dr Dave. He demanded professionalism from all television, radio and holographic broadcast announcers. "I shall write a letter later!"

"Another tribute to Madonna!" I ejaculated. "I know her death was a tragedy, but this is getting out of hand!"

"Indeed," said Dr Dave. "If only they knew the truth...anyway, silence, Wackson. Miss Fletcher is about to appear before us once more. Praise Lansbury"

"I hope it's an episode set in Cabot Cove," I said. "Those are the best!"

"All I hope for is a well plotted mystery," said Dr Dave, as the advertisements cruelly continued to deny us Lansbury. "I have not had one to solve myself for quite some time."

"The criminals know they can't get away with commiting crime in London, not while you yet live!" I said. Dr Dave nodded. The episode was about to begin...but suddenly there was a loud knocking on the door.

"Ignore it," ordered Dr Dave. "I don't care if the Queen herself has been caught pilfering dog food from her local store to feed hungry corgis. I must have Lansbury!" But the banging only continued, increasing in both frequency and volume.

"Dash it all!" I said. "I must pause the broadcast, Dr Dave, I cannot concentrate with this noise!"

"I reluctantly agree," sighed Dr Dave. I paused the broadcast using modern technology. "Show Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard in. I already have an inking of that which he will speak of, so this should not take long!"

Even I had recognised Tomtrek's signature knock. I opened the door. The fellow's face was red with worry and exhaustion. He staggered over to Dr Dave.

"It's the Pope!" he said. "He's gone missing!"

"By cork!" I said. "This is a greater matter than you suspected, I warrant!" I said to Dr Dave. But he looked unsurprised and unconcerned.

"I cannot say I know where the Pope is, I'll need more information to deduce such," said Dr Dave. "I can, however, tell you who he is with."

"How could you possibly know!" said a flabbergasted Tomtrek.

"Elementary, my dear inspector," said Dr Dave. "He is with Madonna!"

"Madonna!?" asked Tomtrek, his legs buckling. I helped him to a seat.

"Madonna is dead!" I said. "Are you saying the Pope is dead too?"

"Remember nine months ago when we visited the Vatican?" asked Dr Dave.

"So many nuns..." I said, shuddering.

"I had a private audience with the Pope, if you recall, Wackson. I told you we spoke only of the latest NASCAR season. A lie! The Pope told me, in confidence, that he had fallen in love with a woman and was thinking of leaving his position to live with her."

"He told you it was Madonna?" I asked, amazed.

"He was not so forthcoming," said Dr Dave. "Yet I suspected it from the start! The irony of the Pope falling for a woman named Madonna was just too delicious. Three months later she 'died' and my suspicions were confirmed."

"We watched her funeral on television!" I said.

"Her body was on full display!" said Tomtrek. "I took many photographs of it for...private reasons."

"A waxwork model," said Dr Dave. "I knew her death had been faked as soon as they announced that she had died from a snake bite. Don't you see? The Pope was the one who suggested the snake bite, as he was still conflicted in some way. Madonna reminded him of the serpent, tempting Eve in the Garden of Eden. Having Madonna 'die' by a snake bite was his way of sending a secret message to me. He is with Madonna and I have known for quite some time!"

"Wait," I said. "That envelope you handed me after we returned from the Vatican and told me not to open..."

"Open it now," instructed Dr Dave. I did so. I had carried the envelope on my person every day since.

"The Pope is in love with Madonna and she'll fake her death so he can eventually run off with her," I read.

"You are a wizard, sir!" said Tomtrek.

"Simple deduction," said Dr Dave. "Let the Pope and Madonna live together in peace. Now, let us enjoy the greatest television show ever made..." But then Tomtrek's phone rang. He spoke for a good minute as Dr Dave and I waited patiently.

"There's been a murder!" said Tomtrek. "At Her Majesty's Prison Bad Bastard! A locked room mystery, nobody knows how the prisoner died!"

"There's where they put all the most deadly criminals..." I began, before realising. I saw the look in Dr Dave's eyes.

"My brother," said Dr Dave. "Dr Dace. He is involved. We must away, Wackson, to the prison. WE MUST AWAY!"

I set the televison to record the MSW episode, again using modern technology.

 

[Dr Dave]

 

[Mirah]

Brilliant Wackson! Brilliant!

 

[CaptainWacky]

CHAPTER 1

Dr Dave and I were on our way to the the Bad Bastard prison, being driven in what Inspector Tomtrek had informed us was known as an "Uber."

"Wait, are you Dr Dave, the world famous consulting detective?" asked our Uber driver, a young man with spiked hair.

"You already know who I am," said Dr Dave, firmly. "Everybody does."

"You saved the Queen from those terrorists! Good on you,! I mean, I hate the monarchy, but it was still pretty cool! They love you on TikTok."

"Do you know what this 'TikTok' is?" I whispered to Dr Dave.

"I neither know nor care," he said, without looking at me. A moment later he spoke agian. "Look, Wackson, protestors." The outisde of Bad Bastard prison was indeed surrounded by protestors. I bristled at the sight of them, for most appeared to be hippies. I did not much care for that type of person, but I knew Dr Dave utterly detested them.

"What could they be protesting?" I wondered out loud, before I noticed a sign held by one of them. It read "FREE ALL PRISONERS."

"Sorry, blokes, have to let you out here," said the Uber driver. "I can't be running over any protestors taking you up to the door. Not after last time!" Dr Dave nodded and we exited the care.

"FREE ALL PRISONERS" I repeated. "They can't mean ALL of them, surely. Even Jimmy the Hat Humper?"

"Some people have very strange ideas," said Dr Dave as we tried to make our way to the entrance to the prison. One of the protestors heard him and stood in our path.

"Maybe YOU are the one with the strange ideas, man!" he said, speaking with unmistakable hippy cadence. "You can't just 'imprison' people man!"

"We can and do," said Dr Dave, with stony dismissal.

"Maybe YOU should be imprisoned and see how YOU like it, man!" said the hippy. Others cheered him.

"Now look here!" I said. "This is Dr Dave, the leading light in law and order in this world! Anyone he has sent to prison thoroughly deserves it. Especially Jimmy the Hat Humper!"

"Jimmy should be free, man!" said the hippy. "His only crime is breaking a law laid down by MAN, man! The universe doesn't recognise our laws, man!"

"The people in here are highly dangerous and hardened criminals," said Dr Dave. "Many of them would kill you as soon as look at you. Many would even kill you WITHOUT looking at you. The blind ones!!"

"Well maybe they wouldn't be criminals if they weren't in prison, man!" said the hippy.

"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE," said Dr Dave. The hippy looked like he was about to speak again, when someone laid on a hand on him gently. It was a young woman I had no noticed before. She struck me instantly as being different from the others. In fact I found her visage quite pleasant to lay eyes on; a curious sensation.

"Let's all calm down a little," she said. "Dr Dave, my name is Hailee Socksville. You probably don't remember me, but..."

"Ten years ago, when you were but sixteen, I rescued you from Danny Thumbnail," said Dr Dave.

"You do remember!" she ejaculated happily.

"As I recall you put up quite a struggle against him, making my rescue mission all the easier," said Dr Dave. "I was very impressed by you that day. But surely you, of all people, understand why dangerous people such as Danny Thumbnail must be sent to pison."

"Look, we're not saying that nobody should ever be sent to prison," she started.

"I am!" said the male hippy. Hailee rolled her eyes at me and Dr Dave.

"But you must agree that there are severe problems with our prison system!" she continued. "The system is supposed to be based on reform, but how does sending people to a Hellhole like Bad Bastard Prison help bring about positive change in anybody's life? All they learn inside is how to become better at crime."

"I didn't make the system," said Dr Dave. "And I am in no position to change it. I agree that things could be better, but I can assure you that everyone serving time in Bad Bastard deserves to be there. I sent most of them there myself!"

"But if we tackled the reasosn WHY people turn to crime, perhaps you wouldn't have to send anyone to such a place," said Hailee. Dr Dave nodded, impressed.

"Perhaps you should run for a government position," he said. "But for now you must tell your friends to let my companion and I enter. There has been a murder in Bad Basard, and I must solve that murder and find the culprit before anyone else dies."

"As if you care about their lives, man!" said the male hippy.

"Dr Dave does not lie!" I said. Hailee smiled at me and I felt myself blush. What had come over me!?

"Let them in, guys," said Hailee.

"I'm in charge here, man!" said the male hippy.

"The universe doesn't recognise your authority," said Hailee. He had no response to that! The protestors let Dr Dave and I pass. I mad eye contact with Hailee one more time as I passed her. My stomach felt light.

"I do not understand," I said to Dr Dave. "That girl's mere presense made me feel...giddy?"

"Wackson, do you ever get lonely?" asked Dr Dave. "I should say, after your wife left you for Mental List?" This was still a sore spot for me but I tried to hide it.

"Nonsense!" I said. "I have you, don't I?"

"Yes, but that is different to the type of relationship you could have with a woman," he said.

"Exactly, it's better!" I said.

"If you say so, Wackson," he said. "If you say so." We had arrived at the prsion door. The warden was standing there smiling widely, flanked by two burly guards. One had a glass eye in his left eye socket, the other an eye patfch over his right eye.

"Warden Lucifer, I assume," said Dr Dave. He did not exchange a hand to shake Lucifer's. Germs!

"Well met!" said Warden Lucifer. "I must apologise for all these protestors. Some have been here for months, specifically that male hippy I saw pestering you. The police refuse to come out and beat them. Disgraceful!"

"They have a right to protest, as disagreeable as some of them may be," said Dr Dave. Warden Lucifer maintained his smile, though it felt now more strained.

"Indeed," said the Warden. He showed us inside. "Well, I suppose you'll be wanting to see the crime scene, where Fishy Frank met his end. Quite the mystery it is too! I shall take you right to his cell!"

"No," said Dr Dave. "Before anything else you must take me to my brother. You must take me to Dr Dace."

"Well, that works out well," said the warden. "Fishy Frank was in the cell next to his!"

I saw Dr Dave's right hand ball up into a fist and feared what he would do next.

 

[Dr Dave]

That dirty dacer!

 

[CaptainWacky]

CHAPTER 2

"My brother - Dr Dace - is supposed to be kept in solitary confinement," said Dr Dave. He sounded calm, yet knowing him as I do I could tell he was barely containing his rage. "I made it clear, on the day was sentenced for his many crimes, that it was absolutely imperative he be kept separate from the other prisoners, lest he influence them with his devilish wiles!"

"I am well aware!" said Warden Lucifer. "Do not worry! We have two solitary confiement cells, they are next to each other, BUT there is significant sound padding between them! Enough that no man in either cell could ever communicate the other. Dr Dace is completel isolated, as he should be!"

"I'll be the judge of that," said Dr Dave. Warden Lucifer and the two guards led the way and we followed. Something was still on my mind.

"So about this Hailee Socksville..." I started.

"Not now, Wackson!" snapped Dr Dave. "There are much more important matters at hand!"

"I know, I knnow," I said. "It's just you seem to be suggesting I form a friendship with this young lady...but you, yourself, have not had a relationship with a lady for quite some time! We have not seen Miss Tisiphone Adler in years, and you never fully told me what happened between you and Contessa Cassie of Florida..."

"And I never will," he said, firmly. "Fine, Wackson, forget I said anything. Stay in every day watching Murder, She Wrote with me, if you think that's as good as life gets." I remained silent at this.

Warden Lucifer and the guards took as down a long corridor. There were two cells at the end of it. I tried to take a look inside the first as we passed, for the door was open. It was barren inside, save for a chalk outline on the floor. The outline of Fishy Frank's body. The other door was closed. We stood outside it.

"I shall speak to my brother alone," said Dr Dave. Did he mean he did not want even me to come in with him?

"Out of the question I'm afraid," said Lucifer. "You need at least one guard with you."

"I do not know if I can trust your guards," said Dr Dave, with no sympathy at all shown to Lucifer's position. The two guards looked at each other. They were quite the pair.

"I'll go in with him," I said. "I am an expert in the deadly act of karate." This was a complete lie.

"Fine," said Lucifer, somewhat reluctantly. "Dr Dace is chained to his chair at the moment anyway. He has been since Frank's death, not that he could possibly have been involved of course..."

"Open the damn door," said Dr Dave. He had not thanked me for saving him from having to be accompanied by one of the guards. Lucifer had the door opened. Dr Dave entered, with I following.

The first thing I noticed on entering was the large amount of padding on the walls. The sound proofing that Warden Lucifer had spoken of. Dr Dace was indeed chained to a chair in the middle of the room, behind a small table. He was looking up expectantly as we came in and smiled darkly as the sight of Dr Dave. "I wondered how long it would take you to get here, brother," he said. "I'm sure you would have been quicker if you hadn't stopped to argue with the protestors outside. Wondering how I know about that, Wackson? I know everything, of course!"

"I wasn't wondering," I muttered, even though I had been.

"No games, no small talk," said Dr Dave. "Tell me why you killed Fishy Frank."

"Ha!" said Dr Dave. "You are transparent as always, my brother. I know you want to know everything of my time here. I know you want to know my opinions on your current exploits. You think you have defeated crime at last, don't you?"

"Crime will never end," said Dr Dave. "But with you locked away safely it is at least far more manageable."

"For now," smiled Dr Dace. "Do you really think I hold no influence even in here?"

"Clearly you hold enough to have killed Fishy Frank," said Dr Dave. "What was he to you, I wonder? His crimes were minor, compared to many here. He probably shouldn't have been in Bad Bastard at all for what he did, helping to smuggle other criminals out of the country. Yes he also traded in illegal fish, but who hasn't dabbled with that?" Was "dabbled" a pun on the fish known as a dab, I wondered? I couldn't say for sure but suspected as much!

"A thoroughly boring indivdual by all accounts, not worth my attention at all," yawned Dr Dace. "There are far more interesting people in here, some of whom you know well. And some outside additionally. I did not kill the poor fool, you will find no answers on his death from me. I have much larger concerns and plans."

"I'm sure you do," said Dr Dave. "I have already formulated in my mind sixty four potential schemes you are attempting to enact from this cell."

"Just sixty four?" mocked Dr Dace. "I have seventy nine planned! Your are growing dull in your old age, dear brother! Isn't that right, Wackson?"

"Dr Dave is as sharp as ever!" I hit back.

"Then why do you stand so far from him?" asked Dr Dace. "Why does your body language say that you are currently angry with my brother?"

"I...I could never be..." I started.

"Don't give him anything else," Dr Dave warned me.

"I wonder if it is over...a girl?" said Dr Dace. My face turned red as I thought of the lovely Miss Socksville. Dr Dace laughed. A more unpleasant sound I have rarely heard.

"We've leaving," said Dr Dave. "It is true that we have nothing left to learn from this pathetic creature. As he has left are words."

"Words win wars," said Dr Dace, smugly. I did not know what this meant. Dr Dave turned and left the cell, though I noticed he patted the padding on the wall as he did so. I followed.

"I am not angry at you, not truly," I said. "And I am sorry if I spoke when I shouldn't have..."

"No, Wackson, it is I who am sorry," said Dr Dave. "You are my most dear friend and I should not have snapped at you earlier. I found my visit with my brother quite rewarding."

"I suppose he's eliminated from the list of suspects now?" I asked, knowing how he was locked away in a sound proof cell.

"On the contary, it is still very likely he played a large part in the murder," said Dr Dave. "We shall have a look at Fishy Frank's cell, but to truly learn the truth of the matter it will be necessary to visit general population and talk to the other prisoners."

"Many of which you put in here yourself!" I said.

"Indeed, there is nothing most of them would like more than to shank me," said Dr Dave, seemingly unconcerned. "Luckily I'm wearing my kinfe-proof vest and trousers!"

 

[Dr Dave]

That Dace!

 

[CaptainWacky]

CHAPTER 3

Warden Lucifer reappeared as we left Dr Dace's cell. "Did you find the conversation with your brother rewarding?" he asked Dr Dave. Lucifer rankled me and I could tell he did the same to Dr Dave.

"The sound proofing on the wall, who installed it?" asked Dr Dave.

"A private contracting company took care of it," said Lucifer, as if it was unimportant. "Only the best, of course. We know how important keeping Dr Dace isolated is."

"Was he present when the sound proofing was installed?" asked Dr Dave. Surely he would not have been!

"He was still in his old cell at the time, the one Fishy Frank is in now. Was in, before he died, I should say."

"Why did they swap cells?" asked Dr Dave, keenly.

"Well, Frank was only sent down to solitary recently. We decided to give him the larger of the two cells, as he is...was a fine fellow, as criminals go. We put Dr Dace in the smaller cell to punish him for some of the rude words he sometimes uses. Does this not please you?" Dr Dave just listened. I could tell he was considering the new information carefully.

"I would like to see Fishy Frank's cell now," said Dr Dave. Just as he said so, a rat ran between him and Lucifer.

"Err, just a friendly rat, nothing to worry about!" said Lucifer, as I jumped back in fear of the vile ceature. "This way..."

He showed us into Fishy Franky's cell. It was indeed larger than Dr Dace's, but only slightly. There was a chalk outline on the floor indicating where Fishy Frank had lain dead. I also noted an empty plate and knife and fork on a table.

"I assume he was tested for deadly poison?" asked Dr Dave, observing the empty plate.

"No known poisons were found in his body," said Lucifer. "No cause of death has been determined. It would appear his heart merely stopped beating...but you should have seen the look on his face. A look of shock! A look of fear! I believe someone SCARED him to death, Dr Dave!"

"What you believe isn't worth much!" said Dr Dave, annoyed at hearing this ridiculous theory. "We will speak to whoever prepared his meal later."

"That would be Lunchlady Lisa," said Lucifer.

"First to general population to talk to potential shankers," said Dr Dave.

"That could be dangerous!" said Lucifer, obviously. "You would be in particular danger around Michael The Shanker!"

"Then it is he I shall speak to first!" said Dr Dave, and he walked out with a purpose. I followed, with Lucifer trailing behind. We headed back down the long corridor and found the guard with the eye patch and the guard with the glass eye at the end of it. "Show me to Michael the Shanker!" said Dr Dave. They both pointed outisde to the prison yard, where a large man was lifting weights.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked, after Dr Dave dismissed the guards and made his way towards the door leading to the yard. "I know you are wearing stab-proof clothing, but one of the undesirables in here could still hurt you in some other way. Perhaps hitting you with one of those weights!"

"I don't think Michael The So Called Shanker will be hitting us with anything," said Dr Dave. "For he is, in fact..."

"Michael Silmarillion!" I said, as he set up from his weight bench and noticed us.

"Dr Dave, Wacklson!" he said. "My old friends," he added, after looking around to make sure nobody was listening.

"I'm sure you recall the story of Michael Silmarillion," said Dr Dave, to me. "A Tolkien nerd who legally changed his surname to that of his favourite book. Broke into the BBC and stole all their pens on a dare. Witnessed the head of the BBC murdering a plumber. Killed the head of the BBC in self defence. We uncovered the truth, and managed to get him a reduced sentence."

"I remember all of that!" I said. "But why then we he send to the Bad Bastard prison? This place is only supposed to be for the most dangerous of criminals!"

"I don't know how that happened either!" complained Michael. "I've been waiting for someone to clear up the mistake and free me! My lawyer keeps saying just one more week, just one more week...he's been saying that for twenty seven weeks! I've had to start lifting weights to pass the time! Look at me, I'm huge!"

"That, and shanking people, apparently," said Dr Dave.

"YES," said Michael, loudly, looking around with a crazed look on his face. "I AM A NOTORIOUS SHANKER! STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

"Who have you shanked, exactly?" asked Dr Dave.

"The guard with the eye patch," said Michael, proudly. "Shanked his eye right out!"

"Really?" I asked.

"Well, no," whispered Michael. "He lost his eye in an accident playing Donkey Kong. He agreed to let me claim I'd shanked it out to help with my repuation. He's a big Tolkien fan, just like me. I promised to send him a rare signed copy of Tolkien's shopping list when I get out of here. I SHANKED HIM BUT GOOD!!!"

"And that's the only person you've actually shanked?" asked Dr Dave.

"YES, BUT I'LL SHANK AGAIN!" he shouted.

"Strange that the warden would direct us to you when there are surely legitimate shankers present here," noted Dr Dave.

"Some of them have powerful friends, the shankers," said Michael, his voice lower again. "The Boston Bricker, for example. Stay away from him! I think he's tight with some of the guards."

"I wish to know more of this Boston Bricker," said Dr Dave.

"I can tell you about him," said a voice. There was someone lying on the weight bench next to Michael Silmarillion! We hadn't seen him before due to Michael's massive frame blocking the view."

"This is my good friend, he knows everything that goes on in here," said Michael. "Let me introduce you to..." He stood up, so we could see.

"Loktar!" Dr Dave and I ejaculated at once.

"WHASSSSSSUP!" said Loktar, from his bench.

 

[CaptainWacky]

CHAPTER 4

"Loktar, what the HECK are you doing here?" I asked. "Sorry for my language!" I quickly added.

"They sent me here for public vagrancy!" said Loktar, a sad look in his kind eyes. "I wasn't even doing anything wrong! I just enjoy sleeping on park benches, you both know that! Never done anyone any harm..."

"Indeed, and in fact your help has somehow proved invaluable in many of our cases," nodded Dr Dave. "Something is clearly rotten in Bad Bastard prison, and I shall be speaking to Warden Lucifer about it later and no mistake! But first I wish to know more of this Boston Bricker."

"Be careful though!" whispered Silmarillion to all three of us, looking around paranoid. "I once mentioned his name in passing and he shanked my lunch as a warning!" We nodded and Loktar spoke in a hushed tone.

"Well, I've been here longer than Michael, so I know a bit more about the shankings. I remember the big Shanking Contest last year just after I arrived, where the two biggest shankers in this place tried to non-lethally shank as many people as possible. The guards don't care if it's non-lethal, you see."

"Who was the other shanker?" asked Dr Dave, with keen interest.

"Annoying Andy," said Loktar.

"How did he get that name?" I asked.

"It's pretty annoying when you get shanked by him!" said Loktar. "Anyway, Boston Bricker ended up winning that contest by disqualification when Annoying Andy shanked Percy The Poisoner to death. As I said, lethal shankings are strictly forbidden!"

"Percy The Poionser, I remember that case!" I said. It had been a case Dr Dave had been seemingly uninterested in at the time, perhaps as all Percy's victims had been rich old men all believed to be involved in organised crime. "As I recall there was never any evidence against him and he was caught when they found him handing out money to the poor!"

"Interesting that an experienced shanker like Annoying Andy would mistakenly take the life of Percy The Poisoner...if, indeed, it was a mistake," said Dr Dave.

"Andy killed himself shortly after that," nodded Loktar. "Percy was popular, so it was thought Andy couldn't handle the shame of lethally shanking him. But he left no suicide note, so who can say, really!"

"Bricker," said Michael Silmarillion urgently. We looked up to see a large man walking by the benches where we were sitting. He didn't say anything, but gave us a menacing look and made a shanking notion with his hands before leaving.

"How rude!" I declared.

"Don't mess with Bricker," warned Loktar. "He shanked that guard with the glass eye's eye right out of the socket. His real eye, I mean, the one he had before the glass eye."

"That's where I got the idea to claim I'd shanked the eye patch guard's eye out!" said Michael. "Nobody saw him shank the guard's eye out. But the guard told everyone about it."

"Did he now..." said Dr Dave.

"The guards in here can be talkative!" said Loktar. "Well, except that lady guard they have now. She never talks to anyone! Great looking dame, though!"

"A lady guard!" I said. "Now I've heard everythig!"

"Well, you've certainly give me a lot to consider, the both of you," said Dr Dave, to Michael and Loktar. "I need ony speak to two other people before I reveal who the killer of Fishy Frank is. And it will come as no surprise, quite frankly."

"Oh, that reminds me," said Loktar. "Bricker aggressively shanked Frank in the nose! That's why Frank got moved to solitary confinement, for his own protection."

"Of course," said Dr Dave. "The final piece of the puzzle, perhaps! Well, thank you again, gentlemen. Keep yourselves safe and I'll see about getting you both out of this hellhole. Come, Wackson. We have a lunch lady to speak with!" And Dr Dave was up off the bench and briskly walk back inside the prison. I nodded to Michael and Loktar and ran after him.

"What can we learn from Lunchlady Lisa, if you already know who the killer is?" I asked my friend.

"I know who is respsonsible for Frank's death, WITHOUT A DOUBT," said Dr Dave. "But the method which brought about his death...that is still to be definitively determined."

"I see!" I ejaculated. "And...hang on, it's the lady guard Loktar was speaking of!" A lady guard was indeed talking with the guard with the eye patch. Dr Dave studied her. She seemed to detect his eyes on her and walked away, without looking back.

"Ah, I see," said Dr Dave. "I trust you do too, Wackson?"

"Err..." I said.

"Her gait, Wackson," he said. "What did you notice of her gait?"

"It seemed unremarkable!" I said.

"Exactly," my friend replied. "If someone with a recognisable gait was trying to disguise said gait, they may have walked in a flamboyant way, a way in which their gait looked so fake that it couldn't POSSIBILY be faked...except I would know that it was due to pure logic! But if someone was EXTRA SMART and wise to my ways...she may attempt to simply disguise herslef by walking in the most unremarkable way possible!"

"Who?" I asked, in utter confusion. "Who!"

"Who else," said Dr Dave, wearily. "But Miss Tisiphone Adler!"

 

[Loktar]

As soon as I read "lady guard", I knew it was going to turn out to be Miss Tisiphone Adler.

Shanks for a great story so far.

 

[Dr Dave]

 

[CaptainWacky]

CHAPTER 5

"By jove!" I ejaculated. "What could Miss Adler possibly be doing here!"

"I intend to find out," said Dr Dave. "And to learn what she has discovered of Fishy Frank's death."

"How do you know she has discovered anything?" I asked. "Something in her gait?"

"She has a keen investigatory mind," said Dr Dave. "She will hold useful information. But, for the moment, she will be attempting to avoid me, less I interfere with her schemes. So we will first speak to the dinner lady, Lunchlady Lisa!" We marched to the prison's canteen. Thankfully it was empty of potential shankers as the only person inside was a middle aged dinner lady.

"Food's for prisoners only," she said, after a short glance at the two of us. "There's a vending machine in the staff room if you want something to eat."

"Dr Dave would never eat from a vending machine!" I laughed at the very idea. Lisa appeared to react to the mention of my friend's name.

"So you're him. The famous detective," she said. "Here to solve Fishy Frank's murder."

"Indeed," said Dr Dave.

"And why is it that you're only investigating Fishy Frank's murder, and not the murders of the other prisoners who have died over the years. The...the shanking victims."

"Such as Percy The Poisoner?" asked Dr Dave. The lunchlady looked away. "He's the only prisoner I've heard of dying from a lethal shanking, though I'm sure there have been others in a place like this. It is not my job to police this prison, with all due respect, Lunchlady Lisa. Fishy Frank's murder goes unsolved and so I am here."

"You think my Percy...Percy's murder was solved?" she snapped. "Annoying Andy was a shanking prick, yes, but he had no reason to kill my...to kill Percy!"

"So he was your son, then," said Dr Dave, matter of factly. "Percy the Poisoner was Lunchlady Lisa's son. I am very sorry for your loss."

"By heavens!" I exclaimed.

"I knew you'd figure it out," she sighed. "Yes, Percy was my beloved son. He was a good lad, Dr Dave. A great lad! He only ever targetted bad people with his poisoning, people harming the world itself. People like Lord Shittingham, who survived the poisoning attempt, but the police found he had five hundred slaves living under his floorboards. Why should men like that get to live and my Percy dies! He shouldn't even have been in here!"

Dr Dave allowed her a moment to compse herself. "Did Percy have any connection with Fishy Frank?" he asked.

"They were friends," she said. "Frank was a good man too. All he did was help people flee situations. A travel agent for the troubled, they called him. He didn't deserve what happened to him either. It was wrong. So wrong..."

"You prepared his last meal," said Dr Dave, softly. Even I was starting to make a connection now. Her son had been a poisoner, and Fishy Frank had died after eating food prepared by her. But no poison had been detected.

"I would never hurt Fishy Frank!" she spat out. "He was a good friend to Percy, a top lad! Don't you dare suggest I'd want to hurt him!"

"No," said Dr Dave. "I'm sure you would not want to hurt him. Well, this has been most helpful. Thank you, Lunchlady Lisa." He turned and started to walk out. I followed, dutifully.

"Dr Dave," she called after us. "I want to say...thank you. When my Percy was...active, you never investigated him. You let him continue to carry out his good deeds. Thank you."

"The case did not interest me," shrugged Dr Dave.

"Nevertheless...thank you," she repeated.

"I'm sure you'll wish me to bring the person responsible for Fishy Franky's death to justice," said Dr Dave. She looked down her feet at this. "I promise you I will." We left.

"I don't understand!" I said, as we walked down the hall. "She would seem like a prime suspect, yet she also seemed like a kindly lady, distraught over her son's murder. Why would she kill Fishy Frank when it was Annoying Andy who killed her son?"

"There are connections," said Dr Dave. "I have a sense of them, but I need to speak to a few more people. I also need to speak to Warden Lucifer to let him know what I think of him and the job he is doing running this prison. And there is also..."

We turned a corner and found Tisiphone Adler exiting a prisoner's cell.

"TIsiphone Adler!" I said, finishing Dr Dave's sentence. She made no attempt to evade us again.

"Hello, Wackson," she said, with a friendly smile. "It is good to see you again. Also hello Dr Dave."

"Tisiphone," he said, flatly. "The years have been kind to you. I cannot, however, say it is good to see you after how we parted."

"Please, not in front of Wackson," said Tisiphone. "It would be unbecoming of you to drag our dirty laundry up in public under any circumstance, I must say."

"I have no desire to," said Dr Dave, darkly. "Nor any desire to further lay eyes on your pleasant but triggering visage!"

"I take it you wish to know what I have learned of Fishy Frank's death?" she asked. "Sadly I have not found out much...other than that the guard with the glass eye cannot be trusted. My sources say he taunted Fishy Frank and yelled obscenitites at him before Frank was moved to solitary."

"Interesting," said Dr Dave. "But I am more interested in learning what you know about Percy the Poisoner, and of any enemies he had in here."

"Oh?" said Tisiphone, with mild surprise. "Well....there is one name who comes to mind."

"Annoying Andy?" I asked.

"No, he never had any problems with Percy before brutally stabbing him to death," said Tisiphone. "I speak of another man. A man whose cell I just left. The very man who is the reason why I am now working in this prison. I speak of Lord Shittingham. I speak of...my husband."

I saw Dr Dave's face turn red with rage.

 

[CaptainWacky]

CHAPTER 6

"You...married Shittingham?" I asked, aghast. I could see Dr Dave studying her. Looking for an angle.

"Of course," she said. "I LOVE LORD SHITTINGHAM!" she added, loudly. She then gestrued to us to follow her. We headed into a janitorial closet.

"Clearly you want Lord Shittinghamn to believe you love him, so I will not blow your cover," said Dr Dave. "Now tell me the real reason why you married him."

"Who are you to demand answers of me?" she asked, huffily.

"It may be pertinent to the case," I said, trying to play peacemaker.

"For you, Wackson, I shall answer!" she said. "I had heared many rumours of Shittingham's evil for years. He was a man of wealth and influence, sitting in the House of Lords and owning nineteen banks. I suspected he was one of the key members of a massive criminal enterprise..."

"The Satan Was Right Society," said Dr Dave. "I have been made aware of them, of course."

"Well, why did you do nothing to bring Shittingham down?" she asked. "A man of in his position could bring about changes in the very order of the world!"

"Because evidence is needed to bring down villains," snapped Dr Dave. "To secure a conviction. You know of that! Besides, I knew Percy The Poisoner was targetting and decided to let nature, in the form of Percy's poison, take its course."

"So you were soft on Percy!" I ejaculated. Dr Dave signaled for me to speak no more.

"Well I prefer to be active rather than passive!" said Tisiphone. "I found that Shittingham has one weakness: marriage. He will tell his wives everything. He told his old wife so much that he had had killed by ferrets."

"Lady Shttingham's death was ruled accidental," said Dr Dave. "I found no trace of ferrets in Shittingham's home."

"Well, all I had to do was marry him and I'd learn all his secrets. Then I'd just have to present the evidence to Inspector Tomtrek or someone of his ilk before Shittingham murdered me. And I did so! I got photographs of the five hundred slaves under his floorboards on our wedding night and he was arrested the next morning."

"Yet you want him to believe you love him..." said Dr Dave.

"Yes, quite," she said. "You're wondering how he could not know it was I who told the police about his underground slaves when they arrested him shortly after he told me of them. The reason? He is temporarily blinded by love! That's why it took him a year of marriage before killing Lady Shittingham: the love blinders came off. I had to get the job here so that I could convince him I was trying to help him from the inside."

"But why?" I asked. "You've already got him locked up!"

"Because there is much more to this," she said. "Some much larger conspiracy. You have heard, of course, about Madonna's fake death and the Pope abdicating..."

"Yes, they ran off together," said Dr Dave, dismissively. "I knew before anyone."

"Well, it's pretty obvious if you think about it!" she said. "But why did she have to fake her death? He simply ran away, but why did she have to convince the world she was dead?"

"Are you suggesting Madonna knew something is about to happen?" asked Dr Dave. "Something big? Something..."

Just then, the door to the closet opened. The guard with the eye patch was standing in the doorway, looking confused. Without missing a beat, Tisiphone yelled at us "LET ME OUT OF THIS CLOSET. I REFUSE TO TELL YOU ANYTHING ELSE. GRRRR!" She fled the closet. The guard looking at Dr Dave and myself, questioningly. I could see Dr Dave considering the man. We stepped out of the closet.

"We need a word with Lord Shittingham," said Dr Dave. The guard nodded. We headed to Shittingham's cell. He was sitting behind bars, reading a large book. He barely looked up at us.

"What are you reading?" I asked, for some reason. He just snorted.

"I know you know who I am," said Dr Dave. "A man of power and influence...just as you once were."

"Were?" he scoffed. "I still have connections, Dr Dave! I don't know how I ended up in this hellhole, but I suspect you were involved! Yes, I know all about you. I've heard all the stories...you were insufferable even in childhood!"

"From a certain point of view," agreed Dr Dave. "You claim to have power and influence, but I see no evidence of it! You sit in your cell rotting, not even leaving it for fear of shanking, I wager."

"A wise man fears shanking," said Shittingham. "Maybe Percy the Poisoner should have feared it more!"

"You must have been very happy when Percy died," said Dr Dave. "After his many attempts to kill you."

"I had no connection with his death!" snapped Shittingham. "I didn't even know Annoying Andy, never wanted to speak to him. I found him annoying!"

"No obvious connection, maybe," said Dr Dave. A guard was walking towards the cell, but this was the one with the glass eye. A rat also ran into the cell, took a look at Dr Dave, and ran out again. "Come, Wackson, there is one more person we must speak to."

"Only one?" I asked, as Dr Dave walked briskly down the corridor.

"Indeed, and then I shall reveal the true nature of this crime," he said. "But first I must speak...to Warden Lucifer. For I have a thing or two to say of his stewardship of this prison!"

 

[CaptainWacky]

CHAPTER 7

We made our way towards Lucifer's office, briskly. We paused only once, when a man lying face down on the floor blocked our way. We stepped around him, but both noticed that he was doing something disgusting.

"He's humping the floor!" I said.

"It is Jimmy The Hat Humper," said Dr Dave, confirming my horrid suspicions.

"But he has no hat to hump!" I said. "Only the floor!" Jimmy rolled over, a sickening, perverted look on his face.

"I make do!" he said, laughing.

"He's humped a hole in the floor!" I ejaculated. "How can any prison warden stand for this behaviour!"

"I can hold my tongue no longer!" said Dr Dave. He punched his mighty fist against the door to Warden Lucifer's office. He punched it again and again.

"GO AWAY, I'M BUSY," shouted Lucifer from inside. Dr Dave prepared to launch a karate kick attack to knock the door off its foul hinges, but it opened just before he launched. The guard with the glass eye stepped out, sneering at Dr Dave with his one human eye. Dr Dave and I walked into Lucifer's office. The warden was standing with his back to us, looking out the window.

"You have a lot to answer for, Lucifer!" said Dr Dave.

"I really am busy!" he whined. "The hippies are growing bolder, getting closer and closer to the prison gates. They look like they want to barge inside! Well, I have a stricting no barging policy! I have sent the guard with the glass eye to beat them thoroughly."

"You inept fool," said Dr Dave. Even I was shocked by his tone. "You will only make the hippies angrier and give them more reason to storm the prison if you have them brutally beaten. And maybe they'd be RIGHT to storm this prison and bring to account anyway!"

"Hippies, right? Never!" said Lucifer. "I'm a great warden! A WARDEN OF JUSTICE."

"You have made a mockery of justice!" said Dr Dave. "I don't know if you're on the take or if it's is sheer idiocy! Your prison is supposed to hold only the most hardened prisoners in the land, those with no hope of rehabilitation. Fishy Frank never should have been in here, his blood is on your hands! Loktar, Michael Silmarillion, they shouldn't be imprisoned at all, let alone in here!"

"Well, other prisons have over-crowding problems, so they pay us to take their extra prisoners!" said Lucifer, as if this was a reasonable excuse. "We need the money to buy extra hippy-beating sticks!"

"No one needs that many hippy-beating sticks!" said Dr Dave. "And you let Jimmy the Hat Humper hump a whole in your floor!"

"Well...he's got to hump someting!" said Lucifer. He looked completely lost.

"More seriously of all, you allowed my brother, Dr Dace to manipulate you. And it cost Fishy Frank his life."

"I did no such thing!" said Lucifer. "I'd always do the opposite of whatever Dace tried to get me to do!"

"I'm sure you thought you did," said Dr Dave. "But you were easily fooled by his classic reverse psychology. Let me guess, when Dace was using rude words to you, to the point where you were angered into switching him to the smaller of the two solitary cells, he made some mention of his cell being the larger of the two, didn't he?"

"Yes..." said Lucifer. "That's why I decided Frank decided the larger cell!"

"You decided nothing! You paid right into my brother's hands. And as for the sound-proofing in his cell, I can only assume you used the cheapest company you could find!"

"The others were charging a lot for sound-proofing! I did nothing wrong!" I could see rage in Dr Dave's eye new. I feared he would strike Lucifer. But then there was a loud banging sound.

"The hippies, the'yve broken in!" said the guard with the eye patch, who had just entered the office.

"What! Glass eye was supposed to stop them!" said Lucifer. The four of us made our way out and to the prison lobby. The hippies had indeed broken in and were making a commotion. I could see the Head Hippy looking particularly obnoxious. Hailee Socksville was with them, but did not looking happy about the whole situation.

"What is going on!" said Lucifer. He spotted the guard with the glass eye standing by the hippies, as if everything was fine. "Shoot them with your taser, man!" But th guard pointed his taser straight at the warden.

"I don't work for you, Lucifer!" he spat. "I never did. I serve a high power..."

"We all do, man!" said the Head Hippy. Then he pulled out a taser. I was shocked. Hippies never carried tasers.

"You're armed?" asked Hailee, shocked. "This was supposed to be a peaceful protest! I just wanted everyone here to be treated fairly..."

"There will only be fairness...when the PRISONERS GO FREE!" said the Head Hippy. And he started marching towards the prison control room. We followed. Dr Dave started to approach the Head Hippy, but the other hippies all pulled out weapons too.

"We are dangerously out-numbered," said Dr Dave. "And I fear something terrible is about to happen." Then, oddly, Dr Dave quickly moved over to the guard with the eye patch, who looked surprised.

"What are you..." he started, but Dr Dave interrupted him.

"Ai! laurië lantar lassi súrinen," said Dr Dave to the eye patch guard.

"Yéni únótimë ve rámar aldaron!" the guard replied instantly. Hippies were moving in on us now, as Head Hippy started to look at the prison controls. Hailee Socksville was pleading with him not to do whatever he was planning.

"Quick, Wackson, a piece of cloth," said Dr Dave. I instantly ripped a piece of my coat off and handed it to Dr Dave. He wrote something on it, then moved amongst the hippies, dodging their clumsy attacks. I did not see what he did with the cloth.

"You can't!" I heard Hailee shouting. "You can't free them all!"

"I thought you believed in justice, man!" said the Head Hippy, with a mocking tone.

"I also believe in justice for the victims of the terrible crimes some of these evil men would no doubt commit if they were released now!" she said. "I won't let you!" But he was already flipping switches. The tried to pull him back, but he shoved her violently to the floor.

"No!" I cried, and tried to get at him. But a hippy punched me hard in the stomach. Dr Dave ran to my side.

"Stay down, Wackson," he said. "There is no stopping what is about to happen now."

"He is coming!" said the Head Hippy, sounding deranged. "HE IS FREE! MY MASTER!" I pulled myself up. I could see the guard with the eye patch and the guard with the glass eye were now both apparently on the hippy's side, as they were leading someone to him. I realised who it was...

"No," I said. "NO!"

"Yes," said Dr Dave, sadly. "I should have known..."

Head Hippy bowed before his master.

"He is a creature of Dace," said Dr Dave.

Head Hippy bowed before Dr Dace.

 

[Dr Dave]

Oh dear!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Chapter 8

I have seen many terrifying things in my time as Dr Dave's best friend and crime-fighting partner. One one occasion, we were nearly crushed by a stampede of one hundred elephants. On another occasion, two hundred elephants. And there was that time ninja burst out of our toilet. But nother could compare to what I was looking at now.

Dr Dave and I were completely surrounded by the most unsavory group imaginable: freed prisoners, including The Boston Bricker and Lord Shittingham; the hippies, including the hated Head Hippy who had struck the lovely Miss Hailee Socksville; many of the prisons guards, including both the Guard with the Glass Eye and, disappointingly I might add, the Guard with the Eye Patch; and, worst of all, the man they all seemed loyal to, Dr Dace himself, a sickly smug smile on his putrid face.

"I told you, didn't I," said Dr Dace, addressing Dr Dace.

"Words win wars," said Dr Dave. "Meaning the words you used to seduce these various miscreants to your side."

"And you thought it was safe to leave me locked up here," said Dr Dace.

"I never thought it was safe," said Dr Dave. "The only safe thing would be to kill you. However, that goes against my personal code."

"That's why you fail, man!" said the Head Hippy. "That's why you're a prisoner now and Dr Dace is running this place!"

"This is an outrage!" said a voice. It was Warden Lucifer, struggling to make his way through the crowd of people. Several of the prisoners looked at him with anger, but Dr Dace just smiled.

"Let him through, my friends, let him through," said Dace. "Well met, Warden Lucifer."

"This is my prison!" said Lucifer. He looked around for support but did not find much. "You can't just take over! You're a criminal! This will never stand! Rrrrr!"

"My convinction, if overturned, would mean nothing," said Dr Dace. "Having the prisoner's warden and the noble Lord Shittingham, also wrongly imprisoned, on my side would certainly help."

"I...I would never!" said Lucifer, and it seemed he believed it.

"You are a poor warden, promoted to your position merely because it served my purposes," said Dace.

"Of course," said Dr Dave, almost sounding impressed by his brother's scheming. "Shittingham has been an ally of Dave all along and, at one time, was a man of influence. He used that influence to get Lucifer this job, one his is most unsuited for!"

"I was a great warden!" said Lucifer. Everyone laughed, even me.

"You, yourself, would be a convict if anyone ever looked into your time as warden," said Dr Dace. "So you have but one choice to make. Join my, Warden Lucifer, and you can become a man of power and wealth. If not...you will rot in prison for the rest of your life."

"I...I..." said Lucifer. Dr Dave shook his head at me, indicating that he knew how Lucifer would reply. "I ACCEPT, OH MIGHTY DR DACE! I shall stand by your side, serve you as your second in command! Long have I admired your intellect and cunning!"

"I'm his second in command, man," said Head Hippy.

"Did you ever believe in justice?" came the voice of Hailee Socksville. She was being held at bay by two Dace-loyal hippies. "You were here protesting before even I arrived."

"I started as a protestor," he confirmed. "But then I heard the voice of Dace speaking to me through the wall. A beautiful voice. He told me of a better world, a world we could bring about together. A world with no prisons, because everyone would do what Dr Dace told them to! A world ruled by Dace. From that moment on, I served him, man!"

"The poorly sound-proofed cell striks again," said Dr Dave.

"I sound-proofed it poorly on purporse, out of love for Dace!"" said Warden Lucifer, pathetically.

"Liar," said Dr Dave.

"But a useful liar to have on my side," said Dr Dace. "Now all you others, prisoners and guards alike, must choose. Will you side with me, or with my loser brother?"

"I'll said with you!" said Jimmy The Hat Humper. "That is, if you give me a hat to hump..." A hippy tossed a hat to Jimmy.

"Ha ha, yes," said Jimmy. "YES!" He began to go to work on the hat to the disgust of all.

"I'll never join you!" said Loktar. "I heard you hate benhces!"

"Me neither," said Michael Silmarillion. "I heard you hate Tolkien!"

"Yes, he's insufferable," said Dace. "Anyone else like to pick a side?"

"I will join you, Dace," said a man. "But only if I can have Miss Socksville for my own!"

"Oh no, not him!" said Hailee.

"Danny Thumbnail," Dr Dave said and I remembered that, ten years ago, Dr Dave had rescued Miss Socksville after she had been abducted by Thumbnail. "Do not do this, Dr Dace. Even you are not this evil!"

"Haha, do you know me at all, brother? When things are in place, you can have Miss Socksville forever!" he said to Thumbnail.

"I'll scratch your eyes out" said Hailee, looking at Thumbnail with rage.

"I JUST WANTED TO READ YOU MY POETRY!" he said.

"So...much...poetry," she stuttered, clearly having horrible flashbacks.

"For now, though, I think all my enemies must be locked up while I figure out what to do with them," said Dr Dace. "Locked up in one cell...MY old cell!"

"You already know what you must do to me," said Dr Dave. "You have to kill me. Otherwise I'll stop you, like I always do."

"Oh, I will," said Dr Dace. "But first I want you to reflect on the sheer magnitude of your defeat. For now I rule a prsion...soon I will rule the world."

Dr Dave, myself, Hailee Socksville, Lunchlady Lisa, Michael Silmarillion, Loktar and a prisoner with metal knees were all marched to Dr Dace's old cell by some of his thugs.

"Tisiphone?" I whispered to Dave.

"No doubt hiding from her husband, who will tell Dr Dace that she is here," said Dr Dave. "But there may be one other still on our side..."

We were all shoved inside the cell.

"Well!" said Loktar. "To think you came here to solve a murder, and instead you're locked up in here, Dr Dave!"

"Oh, I know who the murderer is," said Dr Dave. "They are in this cell right now."

 

[Dr Dave]

Damn that Dace!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Chapter 9

I was locked in Dr Dace's old cell with Dr Dave, the fair Hailee Socksville, Michael Silmarillion, Loktar, Lunchlady Lisa and an unidentified man with metal knees. Dr Dave had just told us that there was a murderer in the cell, so I felt some slight nervousness.

"This place really is a hellhole!" said Loktar, breaking the awkward silence. "No bench!"

"I estimate we have thirty eight minutes before we either defeat Dr Dace once and for all or are put to our deaths," said Dr Dave, with his trademark calm.

"How can we defeat him?" asked Miss Socksville. "He has Warden Lucifer on his side now, that bastard Head Hippy, even all the guards..."

"Perhaps not all of them," said Dr Dave.

"Ah!" I said, thinking of Tisiphone Adler. "But you said said she would be hiding..."

"If she had been found, she will be trying to convince Dr Dace she is on his side," said Dr Dave. "I pray that she manages to succeed! But I was thinking of...well, you may see in time. Unless we are put to our deaths first."

"You said the murderer of Fishy Frank is in this cell..." said Lunchlady Lisa. Understandably she was concerned. Could it be Loktar? Maybe Michael Silmarillion? Surely not the man with the metal knees! He hadn't done anything yet! I looked at him, suspiciously.

"Fishy Frank bought me these knees!" he said. "I'd never hurt him! That's why I'm in here with you lot, to find out what happened to old Fishy!"

"Well, it is rather complicated, but I suppose I have time to explain," said Dr Dave. "Fishy Frank was, of course, killed by you, Lunchlady Lisa."

"What!" said Michael Silmarillion.

"THE VILLAIN!" said Metal Knees Man, rising to his feet.

"I thought it was the girl Wackson fancies!" said Loktar. I blushed and tried not to look at Miss Socksville.

Everyone looked at Lunchlady Lisa. She said nothing for a moment...then burst out crying.

"I didn't mean to!" she said at last. Then Dr Dave, remarkably, kneeled beside her and offered a comforting should to cry on.

"Of course not, dear lady," he said. "You are a victim too. A victim of Dace."

"Dace!" I said. "He was the mastermind? But why would he want Fishy Frank dead?"

"Multiple reasons, not least of which was drawing me here so I could be imprisoned, as part of his plan for world domination," said Dr Dave. "But let us start at the beginning: the murder of Lunchlady LIsa's son Percy The Poisoner."

"A murder arranged by Dr Dace!" Lisa spat out.

"Yes, it makes sense that you would know that," said Dr Dave. "It all comes down to Lord Shittingham. A very powerful man, who has his fingers in many pies, including being able to manipulate the justice system so that the imcompetent Lucifer was made warden here. I suspect he has a much larger part to play in Dr Dace's vile plans too, a part related to his political power, but I shall explain that later. The salient point is that Dr Dace needed Shittingham's help. He needed to win Shittingham over to his side. To do so, he arranged the murder of Percy, the man who once tried to poison Shittingham to death! I expect this was also a cruel experiment on Dace's part, testing the limits of his control over others. It would have been easy enough for him to win Annoying Andy over to his side. A few choice words here and there placed through the poorly soundproofed walls of his cell. Or perhaps he send Andy messages through the guard with the glass eye, who was also in Dr Dace's employ."

"Andy claimed to have shanked that eye out!" said Michael Silmarillion.

"Yes, but if he did so, it was only because the guard allowed it, under orders from Dr Dace. Without an eye he had space in his skull to smuggle messages from Dace to his minions. The dastard! With Percy dead, Lunchlady Lisa here was in turmoil. Her beloved son senselessly murdered. She had no idea why it had happened, until..."

"Dr Dace sent me a message," she confirmed. "In that evil guard's eye socket! It simply read 'I KILLED YOUR SON FOR FUN LOL.' I knew then that I would murder Dr Dace."

"And you would use undetectable poison," said Dr Dave, nodding. "The type of poison your son used and taught you how to produce. All you thought you had to do was send the poisoned meal to Dr Dace's cell. But, alas, this was all part of Dr Dace's plan. He knew you'd try to poison him. That's why he manipulated Lucifer into swapping his and Fishy Frank's cell!"

"Of course!" I said. "I remember that detail from before! And Frank's cell had the same ineffectual soundproofing as this one!"

"Yes that wraps up that potential plothole," said Dr Dave. "So Frank's fate was secured. I should add that this was not solely to bring me to the prison. Frank was a friend of Percy's, therefore another enemy of Shittingham's. Frank was also known for helping to rescue people from bad situations, sneaking them out of the country. I am not entirely sure why, yet, but for some reason Dr Dace did not want powerful people to have this option of escape."

"It still doesn't make sense that the meal was delivered to Frank!" complained Lisa. "The guard must have known the meal was meant for Dace! It was his favourite: roast horse pie!"

"Ah, but you gave the meal for delivery to the guard with the glass eye," said Dr Dave. "And he, of course, would have delivered it to Frank, on Dr Dace's orders. If asked why he did so, he could say the cell number on it match Frank's, which was true as they had recently swapped cells."

"What, no!" said Lisa. "I gave it to the guard with the eye patch! The only guard I trust!"

"He's a great guy!" said Loktar. "He carved me a new bench."

"The guard with the eye patch...delivered the fatal meal?" asked Dr Dave, sounding very concerned.

"Yes, he must be evil too!" said Lisa.

"Then we may about to be delivered by him ourselves...to our deaths!" said Dr Dave.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"I thought he could be trusted," said Dr Dave. "I wrote a note for him, disguised as an patch, when Dr Dace's design became clear. Recall, Wackson, it was using part of your garment. After I quoted the first line of Galadriel's lament to him and he replied accurately..."

"He loves Tolkien just as much as I do!" said Michael Silmarillion.

"That's why I thought he could be trusted..." said Dr Dave. "The note told him to find Tisiphone and assist her, then rescue us all from this cell..."

There was a knock on the door. We all stared at it. Then there was the sound of the door unlocking. We all held our breath...until we saw Tisiphone Adler standing in the doorway.

"Huzzah!" I ejaculated. "Our salvation his arrived!"

"I'm...I'm sorry," said Tisiphone. The stepped inside the cell...revealing that the guard with the eye patch was holding a gun to her back.

"Come," he said. "It is time for you all to die...at the hands of MY MASTER, DR DACE!"

"I have doomed us all," said Dr Dave, in the gravest of tones. "And the entire planet."

 

[CaptainWacky]

CHAPTER 10

"No!" I said. "There must be some feint here, some contrivance that will lead to our escape..."

"The gun against my back would suggest otherwise," said Tisiphone Adler. I looked at Dr Dave. He was looking down at the ground. He looked sad. He looked...shamed.

"And so it is," said Dr Dave at last. "I am sorry, everyone. But we must leave this cell and meet our fate."

Loktar, Michael Silmarillion, Hailee Socksville, Lunchlady Lisa and the man with the metal knees all rose to their feet. I admired them for not protesting. They walked out of the cell with Dr Dave and myself.

"If this really is the end...it was an honour to know you," I said to my friend.

"The honour was mine, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "The honour was mine."

We were walked down the hall and into a part of the prison we had not been to before. Warden Lucifer and the Guard with the Glass Eye were standing there. The Guard with the Eye Patch quickly joined his cohorts in evil, but continued to aim his gun at Tisiphone and Dr Dave.

"Don't try anything!" he sneered. "You fool of a Took!"

"Dr Dave, you have been found GUILTY of crimes again Dr Dace, the rightful ruler of this country. The sentence is DEATH!" said Warden Lucifer, gleefully. He had certainly adapted quickly to his new position as Dace's lackey.

"You have no authority to sentence us to anything, you're just a terrible prison warden!" said Tisiphone.

"And you were a terrible employee, only here to hassle poor Lord Shittingham!" said Lucifer. "My authority comes from DACE. My master. My dark master..." A funny look came across his face.

"He looks like Jimmy The Hat Humper looks when he's about to hump a hat!" I observed to Dr Dave. But my friend said nothing. Dread took over me. This really was the end.

We were taken outside to another prison yard, where Dr Dace, Shittingham, The Boston Bricker, Head Hippy and many other evil hippies and freed prisoners stood. They seemed to be intentionally blocking our view of something...

"So you see now the way of things, Dr Dave?" asked Dr Dace, that sickening smile on his face. There was something else there too though, in his eyes. I wasn't sure what.

"I understand it all," said Dr Dave. "You mean to be Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. From there, you will become rule of the entire world. And from there..."

"Oh, don't trail off!" said Dr Dace. "You just don't want to say it in front of Wackso, do you?"

"How could he ever become Prime Minister!" I said. "No one would ever vote for someone so evil...well, okay, he'd get a few votes...quite a few...but probably not enough!"

"He plans to completely discredit me, using Lucifer and Shittingham's resources," explained Dr Dave. "I will be blamed for Dr Dace's crimes, all of them. Dr Dace will be released from prison, pardoned by the government. You've been on Twitter, Wackson, you know the crazy conspiracies on there. I suspect he already has bot accounts retweeting dangerous theories regarding me and you. There will be people who don't belive, of course, but many will simply be shattered. I am a symbol of all that is good. With my torn down, many will lose their faith that anything can ever be good. Some will even vote for Dr Dace out of a desire to burn the world down. Dace will also make sure that the person running against him is completely incompetent. That will be the easiest part of his plan. He will be elected Prime Minister, that is certain. And then his movement will spread across the world. He will make fascism attractive again, using the power of his voice, the same way he was able to talk Annoying Andy into killing Percy the Poisoner, and talking Head Hippy into a life of evil. And from there...well, the end of the world is inevitable. Dr Dace will control all the nuclear weapons in the world. He will turn them on each other. For, you see, Dr Dace is a maniac, with nothing in his heart. A hole where his sole should be. He will kill us all."

I was stunned into silence.

"Not all of us!" said Head Hippy. "The elite will live on Dr Dace's private island, safe from any nuclear fallout, man!"

"Sure," said Dr Dave. I could see Dace rolling his eyes at the hippy's words too. There was no priavte island. There was only death.

"I don't belive your voice is strong enough to talk the world into destruction!" said Hailee Socksville. "There is goodness in the world, you can never hope to fully defeat it!"

"I can turn anyone," said Dr Dace. "Even you, Miss Socksville. How would you like to take the life of the man who kidnapped you ten years ago?"

"What..." she said. Then Dr Dace and the other criminals stepped aside. We saw what they had been hiding from us: eight electric chairs. And strapped to one of them was Danny Thumbnail.

"Please, save me!" said Thumbnail.

"You promised me to him," said Hailee.

"A ruse!" said Dr Dace. "He is worthless to me, I don't need him on my side. But you would be a powerful ally, Miss Socksville. Having a beautiful young woman like you standing beside me...that would win me many a vote with the young men! Join me, Hailee. Flip the switch to turn on the chair. Kill this evil man...and become a creature of Dace."

"I...I...I hate you, Danny Thumbnail," she said. "You, and your poetry!"

"I just wanted to impress you!" he cried. "Don't kill me! Think of my fans!"

"Miss Socksville, you can't!" I said.

"I...I...no," she said. "Of course I can't. Danny Thumbnail is a monster, but I am not. I will not join you, Dr Dace, and neither will the majority of this United Kingdom. You can electrocute me, Dr Dave and Wackson to death but you shall not win!" I wished that she was right. I almost believed it. But Dr Dave had said that Dace was sure to become PM...

"Then you all will die," said Dr Dace. His minions roughly strapped myself, Dr Dave, Hailee, Lisa, Tisiphone, Loktar, Michael and Metal Knees to the chairs.

"Why does this prison even have electric chairs!" I ejaculated. "We don't have the death penalty here!"

"Not yet!" laughed Dr Dace.

"A friend suggested I have them built," shrugged Lucifer. "A guard. One with one eye. I forget which."

"This is it, then" I said, looking over at Dr Dave.

"It would appear so," said Dr Dave. And then, incredibly, a smile came across his face.

"You have nothing," said Dace, dismissively. "A smile will not fool me!"

Then Dr Dace flipped the switch to power up the chairs and bring us to our deaths.

 

[CaptainWacky]

CHAPTER 11

I waited for death but it did not come. I looked over at Dr Dave, expecting to see his hair standing on end like when someone is electrocuted. But it was its usually flat self! Dr Dave was staring at something, looking pleasantly surprised. I followed his gaze, as did Dr Dace, followed it along an electrical cable on the ground to a generator against the wall. The Guard with the Eye Patch was standing there, holding the other end of the cable, having unplugged it from the generator. He had saved our bally lives.

"NOW!" said Dr Dave and he flew off his chair, launching into a flying kick aimed at Dr Dace. Head Hippy was grabbed by Dace and thrown in the path of the kick. He took the full impact of it and was knocked to the hard ground. Some of Dace's other minions lunged towards Dr Dave. I jumped out of my chair to help, but was quickly assualted by Lord Shittingham.

"You ruddy rotters!" he said, thrashing me with a big stick he somehow had. "I was so close to getting my all the power I deserve BY BIRTH back! I'll thrash you all!" He raised his stick high to deliver a damn good thrasing, but Tisiphone grabbed it from his hands.

"I want a divorce," she said, before thrashing him hard about the face. I tried to make my way over to Dr Dave again. In the distance I could see the Guard with the Eye Patch - who we now knew to be a fine fellow indeed - battling the Guard with the Glass Eye. I also noticed Loktar and Michael Silmarillion pulling a bench from the yard up off the ground and using it to ram a hapless Warden Lucifer into the wall.

I tried to face Dave again but was distracted by Miss Socksville. She was punching and kicking some of the hippies who had turned to the Dace side and I found myself strangely excited by her violent actions. Danny Thumbnail grabbed a hold of her from behind.

"I'm already writing a poem about this whole experience!" he said, over her shoulder. She kicked backwards, right between his legs, then threw him to the ground with a judo throw.

"I DON'T LIKE YOU!" she declared.

Lunchlady Lisa was also equiping herself well against the villains, but most were trying to attack Dr Dave. He was taking them out one to a time with his Dave-fu, but there were so many of them that I raced over to save him. I saw the Boston Brick pull a shank from his sleeve and lunge towards Dave's back. I tried to yell out...but the prisoner with the metal knees came flying through the air, his knees hitting the Bostone Bricker hard in the mouth. Bricker dropped to the ground like a sack of bricks, and his teeth all fell out too.

"Thank you, kind sir," said Dr Dave.

"All in a day's work!" said the prisoner with the metal knees.

"Dr Dave, we appear to be winning!" I said, finally reunited with my friend.

"The tide has turned," confirmed Dave. "I knew Eye Patch was on our side when he called us 'fools of a Took', of course. I was just waiting for him to make his move, and he did so by pulling the plug on the electric chair."

"You really can always trust a Tolkien fan!" I said.

"Indeed!" said Dr Dave. "But this cannot end until I bring it to its ultimate end, Wackson. I must find Dr Dace. He appears to have disappeared..."

"I don't see him!" I said. "Maybe he went back inside!"

"No, that would be too obvious," said Dr Dave. "My brother would have another escape route...hmm. That manhole cover is slightly eschew. Ah yes, now I suddenly understand the final misisng piece of the puzzle. Recall that Lord Shittingham had slaves living under his floorboards? Well, it is now completely obvious that Dace had those slaves build a series of underground tunnesl beneath London, hoping to use them as a failsafe should I foil his plan to become Prime Minister. I must follow him underground now, Wackson. To doom."

"I'm coming too!" I said.

"No, Wackson, you cannot come with me this time," he said. "For I must bring matters to a close in the only way left to me. Dr Dace cannot but allowed to continue. I must kill him, Wackson. I must kill Dr Dace through deadly force."