Dr Dave In The Prison Of The Soul

[CaptainWacky]

CHAPTER 12

I could not speak for a moment, so shocked as I was by Dr Dave's words. I opened my mouth to speak, to beg him to reconsider, but he was gone. No doubt he had followed his vile brother into the underground tunnels. My instinct was to follow, to stop him. I couldn't allow Dr Dave to take a life, could I? And yet...Dr Dace was so evil. He had planned to end all life on Earth in a nuclear holocaust. Would it not be better if he were to die? And the only way to bring about that death would be by Dr Dave's hand. No one else could ever be able to hold such an advantage over Dace. The only way to bring about his death would be through dr Dave...

Hailee Socksville approached me, clearly sensing I was struggling with something. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"You had the chance to end Danny Thumbnail's life," I said to her. "Did you ever think you'd be making the world a better place by wiping out him and his poetry?"

"I...considered it," she admitted. "But I don't think you can make the world better through an act of evil. Maybe that's my naive of me, but..."

"No," I said, smiling. "You are right. And I think my friend would see the wisdom of your words! Thank you!" I dashed away from her, leaving her in confusion, and pulled up the manhole cover. I jumpsted down into the tunnel below. It was very dark. I felt for the wall and managed to grope my way forward by clutching it. Soon I noticed light ahead, and two distant figure. I moved close enough so I could hear them talk, but stayed in the shadows so they would not see me.

"...of course I knew you'd figure it out," I heard Dr Dace say. "Only you could see my design. You probably know exactly where this tunnel ends too."

"Number Ten Downing Street," said Dr Dave. Of course!

"But that is not my ultimate destination, as you no doubt now realise!" said Dace, madly.

"No," said Dr Dave. "Your ultimate destination is Hell." I was stunned by his words.

"Then you know about the explosives!" said Dr Dace.

"You have rigged this whole tunnel with explosives," said Dr Dave. "You mean to kill us both."

"You're wrong on one key point, my dear brother," said Dave. "I knew you'd follow me down here, that you would catch me at this point. I knew precisely where to place the explosives. But they will not kill us, oh no. They will trap us here, together. Forever. Once and for all. You've decided that this can only end with our deaths. That the only way to take my evil from the world is to sacrifice yourself. Tell me, Dr Dave, what will the world become with your light to lead the way? Even with me gone, what hope does humanity have without you? You should have taken my place you fool! Become the Prime Minister. Impose your rule upon the people of the United Kingdom, and then the people of the world. Bring about complete world peace, at the cost of their democracy. But you won't do it, because you are, PAH, good. A good person. So, instead of becoming the greatest dictator the planet has ever seen, you are willing to die with me instead. I will not give you that satisfaction! I can't win while you are alive, but you can't kill me! I have rigged the explosives in such a way that we will both survive the explosion. I have food packed away in a secret compartment and and supply of ENGLISH OXYGEN pumped inside! You will live with me, forever, while the world falls apart in your absense. In my prison of the soul."

"You did not count on one thing," said Dr Dave, calmly. "That I would have swiped a gun from an armed hippy!" And he pulled a gun and aimed it at Dace. I heard Dace gasp. He could tell that Dr Dave would fire.

"NO!" I said, jumping from the shadows, standing in the way of the Dr Dave's aim. "I won't let you become something you're not!"

"Wackson..." said Dr Dave, clearly flustered.

"How delightful," said Dr Dace. "To kill me you must fire the bullet through the body of your minion!"

"Well, you heard the lunatic," I said. "You will have to shoot through me to kill him." I felt a moment of fear after, as I realised Dr Dave would probably be able to shoot me and miss any vital organs to keep me alive. But I did not want to be shot!

"I will not be doing that," said Dr Dave.

"What!" said Dace, outraged. "Hey is but a servant! He is willing to die, and offers little to the world. GUN HIM DOWN. The only other option is to join me...in my prison of the soul."

"Then that is what I will do," said Dr Dave, lowering the gun. "Leave now, Wackson. I thank you for your years of friendship. For showing me the good in humanity. For stopping me from becoming what I could have been. Please, go now. Find happiness, with Miss Socksville or otherwise. GO."

"No," I said, stubbornly. "If you are to be trapped here forever...I'm going to be trapped with you!"

Dr Dave's face fell into his palm.

 

[Dr Dave]

 

[CaptainWacky]

CHAPTER 13

"I...I don't understand!" said Dr Dace, despairing. He was looking at me but addressing Dr Dave. "Why does your servant not follow your orders? You have trained him to obey your commands, I am sure, yet in this he defies you!"

"He is not my servant," said Dr Dave. "He is my friend."

"Yes yes, you have manipulated him into believing he is your friend so you can use him for your own benefit," said Dr Dace, dismissively. "But why is he willing to give his life now, when it would not help you in any way? The three of us would just run out of food quicker if we were all trapped...in my prison of the soul together. I didn't make enough sandwiches!"

"No, our friendship is genuine," said Dr Dave. "The most genuine thing in my life. He is will to be doomed with us, just to keep me company. That is something you could never possibly understand."

I saw Dr Dace back away in disgust. He reached into his vile overcoat and pulled out a control panel with a large button on it.

"Lies!" he ejaculated. "Reveal your true plan, brother! Or I'll give your servant what he wants and trap the threee of us here together...in my prison of the soul."

"There is no plan," shrugged Dr Dave. "Either you trap us here and never again influence the world, or you let me arrest you again and remove your influence from the world. Yes you could possibly trap me here...in your prison of the soul but you said yourself that you cannot account for Wackson. Who knows? Maybe with him here I'll be able to escape."

"No, no!" said Dr Dace. "NOOOOO!" He pressed the button. Dr Dave grabbed me and pulled me backwards. We managed to avoid the falling rubble, but Dr Dace was not so lucky. He was buried underneath.

"Did he...let us escape?" I wondered. "And doom himself alone?"

"More like he was completely thrown off his wicked game by your presence, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "The one thing he never planned for was that friendship could really exist."

We walked out of the tunnel together and climbed back out of the manhole. Inspector Tomrek of the Yard and his boys in blue had arrived to arrest all the villains. Warden Lucifer, Lord Shittingham, The Boston Bricker, The Guard With The Glass Eye, Head Hippy and Danny Thumbnail were all in hand cuffs.

"This is an outrage!" said Warden Lucifer, as Tomtrek's coppers roughed him up unnecessarily, as is the police way. "I run this prison! I did nothing wrong!"

"You instantly sided with master criminal Dr Dace and were willing to help him become the ruler of the world," said Dr Dave.

"Well, yes, there was THAT," said Lucifer. "But maybe I was going to betray him at some point! It's possible!"

"Take him away, boys!" said Tomtrek. "ROUGHLY! Well! Another case wrapped up by Dr Dave! But where is your vile brother?"

"He is back in prison," said Dr Dave. "A prison...of the soul."

"Shouldn't we put him back in actual prison?" asked Tomtrek.

"No, this is better," said Dr Dave. "Rubble makes for effective sound proofing."

"Well, okay then, I care not!" laughed Tomtrek. "As long as the SCUM is of the street! Hey, coppers! Be a bit rougher!" His coppers starting aggressively jostling the villains. I felt little sympathy for the likes of Head Hippy, but it still felt wrong.

"That's quite enough," said Tomtrek.

"I...I suppose so," said Tomtrek, disappointed. "Well, you stopped your evil brother from taking over the world, but did you ever solve the original crime?"

"Original crime?" I asked. Then I remembered.

"The murder of Fishy Frank, of course!" said Tomtrek. I glanced over at Lunchlady Lisa. She was looking worried, guilty perhps. She started to walk over. Dr Dave noticed her too. She looked like she was about to speak.

"Yes," said Dr Dave, before she could get a word out. "Fishy Frank was murdered by my brother, Dr Dace."

"Even though he was locked up the whole time?" asked Tomtrek.

"Yes, he was a bastard," confirmed Dr Dave.

"Ah well, I guess that makes sense!" laughed Tomtrek. "I don't need any details, that would just be more paper work for me! I'll put my trust in your as always, Dr Dave!"

"Yes, I'm sure you shall," said Dr Dave. Tomtrek walked off. I could see a wad of cash in his back pocket. He had become corrupt even since the start of this story. I shook my head.

"Why...why didn't you tell him the truth?" asked Lunchlady Lisa.

"I did, in a manner of speaking," said Dr Dave. "My brother caused Frank's death, just as he caused the death of your son Percy. He might not have struck the fatal blow or poisoned the food himself, but it all sprang from his mind. You were but a pawn. A victim of Dace. Granted, you still had the free will not to poison the food..."

"I've learned my lesson!" said Lisa. "Next time I poison someone, I'll make extra sure it's the right person!" We all laughed but she seemed serious.

"Can I go back to my bench now?" asked Loktar.

"You will soon be able to go to any bench you desire," said Dr Dave. "I'm getting you out of here, you and Michael Silmarillion. Neither deserve to be here."

"But how!" I asked.

"Remember where Dr Dace's tunnel ended?" asked Dr Dave. "The one Shittingham had made for him, the one he's trapped in now."

"No, you didn't actually say," I said.

"Oh," said Dr Dave. "Well I deduced earlier that it ends at Number Ten Downing Street, the home of the Prime Minister! A place we must now travel ourselves...to see if Dr Dace's corrpution spread even there. If it has...we must remove him from office!"

"Golly!" I exclaimed.

 

[CaptainWacky]

CHAPTER 14

The Prime Minister was sitting behind his desk in Number 10 Downing Street, talking on the phone to someone.

"They're all bloody plebs!" he said, looking blustered. "Cost of living crisis? Maybe they should be more careful with their bally money! What do they want me to do, govern for them? They should do it themselves! I...wait a minute, there's a bloody commotions outside, what's going on!"

This was when Dr Dave barged into his office, follow by me. We had just fought our way by a dozen security guards. Dr Dave had not set out to attack them, but they had been quite unwilling to let him see the Prime Minister. They had laid hands upon him and my friend had been left with no choice but to use his Dave-fu to subdue them.

"Dr Dave, I'll have your head for this!" said the Prime Minister as we stood before him. "You don't have the right to enter here!"

"I have the right," said Dr Dave, rage simmering beneath the surface. "I have been GIVEN the right by the people of this great country, but they have the right to know if you are completely corrupt or merely grossly incompetent!"

"I am not grossly incompetent!" he objected right away. "It's not even close to gross! I I I I...I'm the Prime Minister!"

"How close was your family to Lord Shittingham?" asked Dr Dave.

"Well, he was like a brother to my father, I grew up admiring him, like an uncle to me, a member of the family, gave me so much advice over the years..."

"He was in bed with Dr Dace," said Dr Dave.

"...never liked the man!" said the Prime Minister. "Never trusted him! Shifty! A shifty man!"

"What about the rest of the House of Lords?" asked Dave.

"Oh, they're all great! Every last one of them!"

"I estimate up to forty four percent of them are in the service of my brother," said Dr Dave.

"Well, the other fifty six percent are still the majority, and they're all great!" said the Prime Minister.

"You have been influenced for years in ways you cannot possibly comprehend," said Dr Dave. "You allowed Warden Lucifer to be put in charge of Bad Bastard prison, where my brother thrived, basically running the place from the inside and beginning a plot that would have inevitably ended with the complete nuclear death of the entire human race."

The Prime Minister did pause for a moment at this. "Well, you stopped him, didn't you? No harm done!"

"We almost died!" I said, speaking for the first time. "In electric chairs you allowed to be illegally installed in one of your prisons!"

"Maybe you should have just put your blasted brother on one of the chairs right away, saved all this bother!" said the Prime Minister. "Now is there anything else or can I get back to my affairs? One of the women I'm sleeping with just bally well had a baby, and she wants me to come and look at the bloody thing! I have no idea why, they all look the same to me! I've seen so many they all merged into one! And it's not like I'm ever going to see it again after today!"

Dr Dave punched the Prime Minister in the face. I was utterly shocked. I had never seen Dr Dave strike someone like this, no matter how destestable the person was.

"That's...that's it!" said the Prime Minister. "I'm going to bring back hanging and have you hung!"

"You will do NOTHING...except call for a general election!" said Dr Dave.

"What!" the PM ejaculated. "I will do nothing of the sort and you are in no position to make demands given what you just did!"

"I have enough dirt on you to bring down your entire government," said Dr Dave. "I don't want to do it. It would be playing into my brother's hands, eroding the general public's faith in democracy further if they knew just how low you truly are. It would help bring about the anarchy my brother craved. But if you give me no other choice, I will do it. I offer you the chance to be re-elected, fairly. Call a general election or see your career end."

"You can't do this to me!" shouted the PM, as Dr Dave turned and marched out of the office. I chased after him. "You're nothing! I'm better than you! I went to Eton! I'M GREAT!"

"Will he call the general election?" I asked.

"Yes," said Dr Dave. "He might be a fool but he's no idiot. But I fear...it may not be enough. I don't know if the leader of the oppisition can be trusted either. I've already identified a dozen potential creatures of Dace in his party. I may have to do something, Wackson. Something I've never wanted to do..."

TO BE CONCLUDED

 

[CaptainWacky]

CHAPTER 15

A month later, Dr Dave and I settled down on his comfortable home seating to finally enjoy the lost episode of Murder, She Wrote, which I had recorded using modern technology. It had been a busy month and we needed to relax.

"I can't believe The Pope and Madonna finally came out as lovers!" I said. "And that she's pregnant!"

"Love finds a way," said Dr Dave. "With Dr Dace finally brought down the world is safe for them, and others in unconventional relationships, to come forward. Of course she will have to spend six months in prison as punishment for faking her death and allowing all those unwarranted tribute shows to air on television. That is THE LAW."

"A fair law!" I said. "It worked for Loktar and Michael Silmarillion, they're both free men now!"

"I know," said Dr Dave. "Now keep your voice down, it is time to watch the show!" He pressed play. The beautiful title sequence began.

"I can't blasted wait!" I ejaculated. The episode began.

"FUCK," said Dr Dave, uncharecteristically, almost as soon as the episode began. "It's just one of those episodes where Jessica introduces the story and doesn't actually appear herself outside of that!"

"No!" I said. "No. NOOOOOO!"

"It could be a Grady episode at least," offered Dr Dave. But then Jessica told us that it was an adventure featuring a previously unseen character, playeed by James Corden's grandfather. Dr Dave turned the televison off in disgust.

"I can't believe it, after all that waiting!" I said. "You've had such a busy month, you deserved to enjoy a great episode of television!"

"The month was busy for you too, Wackson," said Dr Dave.

"True!" I said. "Before we got the call about the murder of Fishy Franky, I never could have predicted that just a month later you would be Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and I your Deputy Prime Minister!"

"It was inevitable as soon as I coerced the former PM into calling a general election," said Dr Dave, dismissively. "Only I can lead the United Kingdom into a new era of prosperity, Wackson. And there is no other man I would rather have by my side."

"By jove!" I ejaculated. "Isn't that wonderful, Hailee?"

Hailee Socksville, who I had been dating for the last month, had been sitting by my side the whole time.

"A month ago I never would have predicted I'd have finally achieved closure with Danny Thumbnail AND that I would be dating the Deputy Prime Minister!" said Miss Socksville.

"Life is strange!" I said. "Would you like to come and see my collection of Transformers postage stamps in my bedroom now?"

"More than anything!" she said. I never knew she loved postage stamps of The Transformers so much. We stood up.

"Will you be okay by yourself?" I asked Dr Dave.

"I'm not by myself," said Dr Dave, smiling. "I have the whole United Kingdom with me now, Wackson. They are my responsibility now. My family."

"You'll be a great father!" I said, starting to leave. "Half a mo!" I said, stopping. "There's one thing I forgot to ask you. The man with the metal knees...who was he? How did you manage to get him on our side? His knees were so vital to our victory!"

"I have no idea," said Dr Dave, shrugging. "Just some guy with metal knees!"

THE END

OR IS IT

EPILOGUE

It was not until much later that Dr Dave and I discovered that we were being watched through a hidden camera. Being watched by none other than The Man With The Metal Knees.

"Excellent," said TMWTMK. "They have absolutely no idea who I really am. Who I really work for. They have no idea of your involvement, master."

"As was my design," said the voice of his master. "Dr Dace was a useful distraction. Dr Dave could not see my manipulations because his full attention was taken by his brother. Of course, we needed to ensure Dr Dace's defeat. He could never achieve his goal of becoming ruler of the world. Anarchy! Nuclear war! These are not things I desire! Control, on the other hand? I desire that very much. With Dr Dave as ruler of the world, under our total control of course...we will finally have world peace. Through power."

"Yes," said TMWTMK. "Yesssssss."

"And I mean peace for the entire world," he clarified. "Not just my home country...of China."

For TMWTMK's master was none other than The Chinaman.

"And Dr Dave will be made to serve us," said a third voice, the voice of the third member of theri cabal who had just entered the room and was standing in the doorway. "The first step? As we have already discussed, it is a simple one. Nothing else but the burtal murder...of Wackson."

It was the voice of a woman. Standing in the doorway was that woman, the woman who had teamed up with The Chinaman and The Man With The Metal Knees to take over the world, the first step of which would apparently be the murder of me, Wackson.

Standing in the doorway was Miss Tisiphone Adler.