Enterprise Script: A Chance In Hell

[CaptainWacky]

(The bridge of the Enterprise. No, not THAT Enterprise, or THAT one and not even that one from the movies, but the Enterprise NX-01. THE BEST Enterprise. CAPTAIN ARCHER is STANDING on the bridge dynamically.)

Archer: I can't wait to make FIRST CONTACT with the Bolians!

Travis: We''ve ALMOST reached their ship!

Archer: Steady as you go, Travis.

Travis: Aye sir! Good advice!

(Everyone loves Archer.)

T'Pol: Captain, I am detecting...something.

Archer: What do you mean, T'Pol?

T'Pol: I...I don't know. Some kind of anomoly. My scanners have never detected such a thing! But whatever it is...a ship is trapped in it.

Hoshi: Captain, we are being hailed!

Archer: THE BOLIANS!

Hoshi: Yes!

Bolian Captain: Help...being sucked in...a rip in space...it's so hot...FIRE INSIDE...YARGH!

(Everyone is SHOCKED by this harrowing hail.)

Archer: A rip in space, eh...better than a rip in the seat of my pants!

(Everyone LAUGHS at this joke. Archer always knows how to lighten the mood!)

Archer: Maybe I should go and get Phlox...there could be wounded Bolians on the ship...

Reed: Err, shouldn't we rescue them first?

Archer: Oh, of course. Of course! You have that silly grappling hook thing, right?

Reed: Yes, captain!

Archer: Then grapple them fuckers out!

Reed: Aye aye!

Archer: And I'll go get Phlox, he might know things about Bolians...

Hoshi: I speak their language, I know all about them. Did you know a lot of them are barbers? It's true!

Archer: That's no help at all, Hoshi.

Hoshi: Sorry.

Archer: Right, off to Sickbay! T'Pol, you're in charge I guess.

T'Pol: Don't you want to stay until the Bolians are secure?

Archer: Nah!

(Archer practically runs to the turbolift. CUT TO Phlox in Sickbay, looking sad. Archer walks in. Phlox smiles.)

Phlox: I thought you'd NEVER GET HERE!

Archer: Less talk, more MAKING OUT!

(They start MAKING OUT! CUE OPENING CREDITS!)

IT'S BEEN A LONG ROAD...

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

Getting from there to here, it's been a long road, but the time for makeing out is finally here...

 

[headvoid]

Archer's pants ripping every episode was always my favourite bit.

 

[Dr Dave]

T'Pol to do the Macarena?

 

[Loktar]

Or maybe the Chicken Dance?

 

[Cassie]

TPLA IS A SLUT.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Reed: Come on, you Bolian bastards!

T'Pol: I would suggest grappling them out faster.

Reed: No shit, pointy ears.

Hoshi: Malcolm!

Reed: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.

(SUDDENLY the grappling hook CATCHES FIRE.)

Reed: No!

Hoshi: The Bolians!

(The grappling hook BURNS AWAY and the Bolian ship falls into the rip in space.)

Reed: I...I can't believe...

(T'Pol calmly walks over to Reed and backhand smacks him across the face.)

T'Pol: You're a fucking failure, Reed. Your family must be ashamed of you.

Hoshi: Travis, everyone's acting weird...Travis!?

(Travis is PULLING OFF HOSHI'S BOOTS and attempting to SUCK HER TOES.)

Travis: I FUCKING LOVE TOES!

(CUT TO Sickbay where Archer and Phlox are wanking each other off.)

Archer: Really...shoud...get...to...the...bridge...

Phlox: Just one more wank!

(PORTHOS the dog runs in, barking!)

Archer: Porthos!? What's wrong, boy?

Porthos: Woof!

Archer: Something's wrong! I really have to get to the bridge this time!

Phlox: FINE.

(Phlox speeds up the wank.)

Archer: Sorry, babes, love you!

(Archer kisses Phlox on the cheek and runs off.)

Phlox: That fucking dog.

(Archer arrives on the bridge to find Hoshi kicking the shit out of Travis and Reed sobbing in the corner.)

Archer: What the fuck!

T'Pol: Where were you, human scum?

Archer: T'Pol!? What happened here?

T'Pol: You left your post like the cowardly worm you are and hundreds of Bolians died!

Archer: T'Pol, are you on your Pon Farr again?

(Trip suddenly runs onto the bridge.)

Trip: What's goin' on, y'all? Ship's communications are down and the warp engines have shut down!

Archer: Oh no, we're being sucked into the rip in space! Travis, get us out of here!

(Travis is bleeding and unconcious.)

Archer: No one else knows how to fly the ship!

T'Pol: Might as well have a last fuck before I die...

(T'Pol jumps on Trip.)

Trip: What in tarnation!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

Trip is very well written.

 

[Loktar]

No shit, pointy ears.

 

[Cassie]

WHAT IN TARNATION?

 

[headvoid]

Lovely character depth in that episode.

Where next?

 

[CaptainWacky]

Archer: We're being sucked in!

T'Pol: And Trip's about to be sucked off.

Trip: Stop that there sucking, missy!

T'Pol: Shut up and get your dick in my mouth.

Trip: Sweet Christmas!

(Consoles start EXPLODING on the bridge to signify that the Enterprise is in trouble.)

Hoshi: I don't care if I live or die, captain. I'VE NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE!

(Hoshi tries to jump on Travis' head but Archer pushes her out of the way.)

Archer: Everyone's being effected by...something...the rip in space...have to get away...

(PHLOX dramatically steps onto the bridge.)

Phlox: Hurry up, captain. Before we're sucked...TO HELL!

Archer: What!

Phlox: I've seen this before, captain. On my home world. Everyone started acting crazy, giving in to their secret desires and instincts. Then...evil visited us. That's why I feld. The whole planet became hell. And it started with a rip in space JUST LIKE THIS ONE!

Archer: You've never told me this before! I thought we'd tell each other everything!

Phlox: Please, there's no time to fight, the rip in space is messing with your mind.

Archer: Maybe my FIST will mess with your FACE, fatty!

Phlox: Jonathan! No!

(Phlox starts crying. Archer stares at his own clenched fist in shock.)

Archer: My father was a violent drunk...yes he also invented the warp five drive or something...but he'd come home and hit my mother every night yelling "I CAN'T GET THE WARP DRIVE TO GO FAST ENOUGH"...I nearly turned into him, taking it out on the one I love...I'm so sorry!

Reed: Wait, you love Phlox?

(Archer punches out Reed.)

Archer: SHUT UP, BENNY HILL.

Phlox: Oh no, it's too late, we've inter the rip in space!

T'Pol: Quicky, somebody finger me!

Hoshi: I have a mutated tongue if that helps...

T'Pol: Fascinating...

Archer: Stop lesing out and get back to your stations! Trip, get down to engineering and fix the warp drive!

Trip: AYE AYE, SPORT!

Archer: And stop talking weird!

Trip: Sorry, cap'n!

Archer: That's still weird!

Trip: What, should I talk like some gay Brit like Reed? I'm sorry, but I'd rather die!

Reed: Hey!

(Trip kicks Reed in the ribs.)

Trip: Shut up, bitch.

Archer: Okay, that's better.

(Trip leaves the bridge. SUDDENLY an EVIL ALIEN VOCIE starts speaking.)

Voice: MEEP MEEP BOOHAT SLEKTWAG SREAKY TOOS MENTY NEVER FUCKING POSTS MEEP MEEP HITLER HITLER NATALIE NATALIE GRAPES SCARJO'S BIG BUM RRRRRRRRRR TORCHWOOD SUCKS.

Archer: Translate it, Hoshi! Use your mutant tongue for something good!

T'Pol: She was just about to do that!

Hoshi: ...it said..."YOU ARE IN HELL NOW. AND I'M THE DEVIL. ALSO TORCHWOOD SUCKS."

Reed: Surely they at least like John Barrowman!

(Everyone punches or kicks Reed at once.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[headvoid]

Barrowman was a completely natural addition.

 

[Dr Dave]

Will there be singing?

 

[CaptainWacky]

(The Enterprise is being sucked into the rip in space. All around is fire.)

Archer: So...

Hoshi: We're pretty much fucked, aren't we?

Reed: Oh God we're in Hell, actual Hell! I knew I shouldn't have become an atheist! My bloody parents played a holographic Richard Dawkins to me every night! Bastards!

T'Pol: I do not believe in your puny human idea of Hell.

Reed: Look around you, bitch. Look at the flames! What else could this be, but Hell!

Hoshi: And it explains why we're all going crazy.

T'Pol: I will admit that I appera to be losing emotional control...but I find it quite...liberating.

(T'Pol kicks Reed in the face.)

T'Pol: Quite liberating indeed.

Archer: TRIP, HOW ARE THE FUCKING ENGINES COMING?

Trip(over con): Uhh, I only just got engineering. I stopped off for a wank first.

Archer: DAMN IT!

(Travis wakes up.)

Travis: Let's just kill ourselves.

Reed: Yeah, good idea.

Hoshi: I'm in!

Archer: NO. I have something to live for, unlike the rest of you.

The Devil: HAHAHAHAHA! NOW YOU WILL SEE THE TRUTH!

(Suddenly the Enterprise CRASHES into an asteroid that appears from nowhere. Everyone is KNOCKED OUT. Archer is wakened by Porthos barking.)

Archer: Uhh...where am I?

(Archer is on the surface of the asteroid with Porthos. Satan is standing before them. He looks exactly like the stereotypical vision of Satan you would imagine in his head.)

Satan: Welcome...to Hell!

Archer: But where are my crew!?

(Satan waves his hand an suddenly Archer can see Hoshi, Trip, T'Pol, Reed and Travis all CHAINED UP NAKED and being TORTURED by SEXY TORTURERS!)

Archer: Okay, but where's my Phlox?

Satan: Oh, I keep him close...

(He pulls on a LEAD and PHLOX is pulled over walking on all fours wearing a dog collar.)

Phlox: I can see why Porthos likes this so much. Woof, woof! HAIL SATAN!

Archer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

How can this line not win this show an emmy?

"Woof, woof! HAIL SATAN!"

 

[CaptainWacky]

Archer: Phlox, no, not you too!

Phlox: It feels SOOOOO good! Bark!

Archer: Who are you? How have you done this to Phlox! Oh, and the rest.

Satan: I have merely freed their minds. Secretly, they have all wanted this. My influence just let them realise that they DESERVE to be in Hell.

Hoshi: It's true, captain. I fucking love being in heel. Flay my feet, sexy torturers!

T'Pol: Flay mine first!

Travis: I want my cock fed to me!

Trip: Yee-haw!

Archer: NO! You've done this to them!

Satan: Keep on believing that. I must admit, you were resisting me longer than most. But soon you will give in and let my gnaw off your nippls!

Archer: I'll never let you gnaw off my nipples! Why did you bring us here?

Satan: I've visited planets for thousands of years, captain. I visited your Earth many years ago and became the basis for your idea of the Devil. But am I evil? Or do I just give people what they want?

Archer: Pretty sure you're evil, you cunt!

Satan: Yes, well, that's one point of view. Anyway, sometimes I got really bored out here in space and pull people into my realm by opening a rift in space. I brought the Bolians here first, then you human worms just happened to show up.

Archer: The Bolians! Where are they!

Satan: Oh, I got bored of them. All they talked about was cutting hair. So I skined them and turned them into nice blue coats!

Archer: You monster!

Satan: AM I? Or did they secretly YEARN to be turned into...

Archer: Shut up!

Satan: I see your hate growing. Good! You see the helpnlessness of your situation. You know the logical thing to do is to give in.

Phlox: And it feels soooooo good!

Archer: Maybe...maybe you're right...

(Archer gets his nipples out.)

Satan: Finally!

(Archer walks towards Satan...but then PUNCHES him!)

Archer: I'm like a gazelle taking my first step...TOWARDS KICK YOUR ASS! Hang on, my fist hurts, like you're...made out of metal!?

(SPARKS start flying out of Satan.)

Archer: You're a robot!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Loktar]

Robot devil.

Futurama did it!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Satan: ERROR ERROR!

Archer: How can you be a robot!

Satan: DOES NOT COMPUTE.

Archer: You won't compute when I'm finished with you!

(Archer starts to kick Satan but the sexy slaves pull him off. Another sexy slave twists some knobs on Satan and he returns to normal.)

Satan: How is this possible? No one can lay a hand on me! No one can resist my BASE INSTINCT toxin! You should be my slave, as you the others are!

Archer: What are you!

Satan: My name is Sayt-eyn. I am from an ancient planet, once home to a thriving civilisation, now a barren wasteland. How did this happen? I kill them all!

Archer: Who created you and why?

Satan: This planet was a utopia, no war, no conflict, everyone living in a Heaven...but Heaven can't exist without Hell, captain! They grew bored, inactive, they started lying down and dying in the streets...a bit like your Earth movie Serenity, yes. Summer Glau is hot. But then a brilliant scientist caem up with a solution! A robot who would turn half the planet EVIL with his BASE INSTINCT toxin! There was only one problem: he made me perfect! I turned the whole planet evil and they all killed each other! Leaving me alone. But I wasn't done. I used their technology to travel through space. I visited worlds, such as Earth, and became a legend. And I sucked spaceships into my void to torture and tickle the crews! None ever resisted me, in thousands of years...until you.

Archer: I can feel it, your toxin tying to turn me into an animal...I want badly to give in. But I have something to hold onto.

Satan: What is that?

(Archer looks over at Phlox.)

Archer: LOVE.

Satan: Ha! There is no such thing. A chemcial response...I have encountered it many times before. Always I have defeated it. There is no such thing as true love, captain!

Archer: Then explain how I continue to defy you.

Satan: I...ERROR, ERROR...

(PORTHOS jumps on a sexy slave and savages its face, allowing Archer to break free.)

Archer: Now to reprogramme you, you hateful calculator!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

Good show!