Enterprise Script: A Chance In Hell

[CaptainWacky]

Hoshi: No! I won't let you harm Sayt-eyn! I love him!

Archer: Oh piss off, HO-shi. How are you going to stop me anyway?

Hoshi: With my mutated tongue, somehow!

(Hoshi licks Archer's face. He chokeslams her.)

Archer: I always hated you, cow. Wait...am I beginning to be corrupted? No! I must focus on my love, the only thing that keeps me from being Sayt-eyn's slave!

(Reed jumps in Archer's way.)

Reed: You won't take me down so easily!

(Archer easily shoves Reed out of the way and he falls on his wrists.)

Reed: Oww, my wrists!

(Travis punches Archer in the nose.)

Travis: Take that! You won't get me back on that boring ship! I love it here in hell! I'M GOING TO EAT MY OWN SCABS.

Archer: You're sick!

(Archer kicks Travis in the face then keeps on kicking him.)

Archer: Hehe, Hoshi was right, this IS fun! But NO! I have to turn off that damn robot!

Trip: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, cap'n!

Archer: Trip, you country bumpkin! I thought your simple mind would be able to resist.

Trip: Ha! Remember my sister who die? WE WERE INTO INCEST! YEEHAW!

(Archer gives Trip a Rock Bottom. But now T'Pol stands in his way.)

T'Pol: Logic dictates that I should let you pass. But I love the idea of lesing it up with Hoshi on this asteroid forever...

(T'Pol strikes Archer with VULCAN MARTIAL ARTS. He falls over.)

T'Pol: Logic dictates that I should kill you. But instead I WILL RUB MY BOOBS IN YOUR FACE LIKE THAT EPISODE WHERE WE WERE TIED TOGETHER.

(She starts rubbing her boobs in his face. He gives her a NIPPLE TWIST, crippling her nipples.)

T'Pol: I can't go on with twist nipples.

Archer: There's no power that can stop me shutting down Seyt-eyn for good and ending this madness.

(Phlox steps out of the shadows.)

Phlox: I'd like to test that theory.

TO BE CONTINUED. OR CONCLUDED. ONE OF THEM.

 

[The Question]

That was almost as good as the dream I had last night.. The dream wherein I was sexually ravishing a ham and cheese sandwich. Ohhhhh, that sandwich was so tight. So moist. So hot. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, and so on and so forth.

 

[Dr Dave]

Nipple twist!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Archer: Don't do this, Phloxxy-poo!

Phlox: That name means NOTHING to me now. I am a DOG and my master is Seyt-eyn. Woof woof, motherfucker.

(Phlox DIVES at Archer trying to bite him. Archer sidesteps.)

Archer: How can you not remember our love? It's what's keep Seyt-eyn from corrpupting me! Can't you see that?

Phlox: LIAR! You never loved me. You just USED ME for sex. You slept with human woman after human woman before me, but then you found out that Denobulan males have a vagina AS WELL as a penis and suddenly you were gay! You just liked my pretty vagina!

Archer: That's not true! I sucked your cock too!

Phlox: Only because it tastes like Earth ice cream!

Archer: Damn it, our relationship wasn't just about sex! I love you!

Phlox: You only love that FURBALL Porthos. When I'm finished with you...I'm going to eat him alive!

Archer: You wouldn't!

(Porthos is still savaging the tits of a sexy slave. He looks up.)

Phlox: MMM, DOG MEAT!

Archer: RRRRRRR ARGH!

(Archer punches Phlox in the face again and again.)

Phlox: Good. Gooood. Let the hate flow through you.

Archer: STAY AWAY FROM MY DOG!

(Archer kicks Phlox in the ribs repeatedly. Phlox gets an erection.)

Phlox: KICK ME IN MY HARD COCK!

Archer: ...this is getting a bit fucked up...but okay!

(He kicks Phlox's hard cock.)

Seyt-Eyn: Now you see. Now you feel the joy in giving in. Join me.

Archer: YES.

Seyt-Eyn: We can take over EARTH together. We can take THE STARS THEMSELVES.

Archer: I'm not sure what that second part meant, but YES!

Seyt-Eyn: And the Enterprise will be MY ship!

Archer: Hey, HANDS OF MY ENTERPRISE!

(Archer punches Seyt-Eyn and SPARKS FLY.)

Archer: Hang on...the love that's helped me resist you...it really wasn't for Phlox...or even Porthos...it was for The Enterprise herself!

Seyt-Eyn: No, it's just a stupid ship, get back!

Archer: TIme to put you down BUT GOOD!

(SUDDENLY everything freezes. RIKER steps into view.)

Riker: What's going on, computer?

Computer: Reg Barclary is running one of his rape scenarios in the other holodeck so I've had to shut down all Holo programmes so the bastard can be arrested. Worf is beating the shit out of the aspfuck right now.

Riker: Well, tell him to hurry up, we were just getting to the part where...

Female Voice: HEY!

(TROI steps into view wearing dominatrix gear and hodling a KLINGON DILDO with ridges all over it. Real fucked up shit.)

Troi: No spoilers!

TO BE CONCLUDED

 

[The Question]

That post made the cactus plant in the corner fart thunderously.