Extract from Mentalist's forthcoming biography 'No Way You Big Spastic, I'm A Mentalist' written by CaptainWacky.
From the chapter "famous people".
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Throughout his life, Mentalist has encoutered many well known figures.
"They seem to flock to me!" he laughed, in an interview with Paul O'Grady's dead dog Buster. "They all want a piece of the Mentalist brand!"
One of earliest such encounters was with astronomer and notorious womaniser Sir Patrick Moore.
"When he first got the job as the Gamesmater, he used to come over to my house to get good at video games," explained Mentalist. "We'd play Mortal Kombat all day. He'd always go Sub Zero, but I'd play as Scorpion and use the 'Come here!' thing then uppercut him. He could never beat me. One day he threw his monocle off in a rage, said 'I don't even need to wear that thing!' and stormed out. Ironically he ran into a lampost and damaged his eyesight and has had to wear a monocle for real ever since!"
But what of model and whore Katie "Jordan" Price?
"She used to walk around town dressed as a kangaroo shouting 'WHERE'S PETER ANDRE, I WANT TO FUCK UP HIS LIFE' at everyone," shuddered Mentalist. "I'd never tell her, because I loved Peter Andre in a way she never could. Unfortunately Seph got high on MOON PILLS one day and gave her Andre's address. Seven minutes later they were married and Andre's life was fucked up. Insania!"
And would you believe Menty met none other than Steve Coogan? It's true!
"He left the light in his lighthouse home turned on," explained Mentalist. "I climbed to the top and turned it off for him. I waited, proud of myself, for him to come home. 'WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!' he cried. 'YOU'VE KILLED HUNDREDS OF SAILORS WITH YOUR ACTIONS!' Such a joker."
And then were was Hollywood star Kirsten Dunst.
"Yeah," said Mentalist. "Old Dunsty as she liked to be known. I saw her on the beach one day and asked what the fuck she was doing. 'Filming Spider-Man 2,' she replied. I told her it was shooting in L.A. 'Oh shit, I'm in the wrong country again!' she said, and fled. Crazy bitch!"
But perhaps most famous of all was his encounter with Bodger from Bodger and Badger.
"He was in the local shop dressed as Ephant Mon," said Mentalist. "But I actually had no idea who Ephant Mon was as my mother always said the Jabba's Palace scenes were 'too sexy' and wouldn't let me watch them as a child! I only recognised him as Bodger when he stripped down out of the costume and did some kind of drunken sexy dance. 'Oy, Bodger, where's Badger?' I asked. 'He's fucking dead, kid,' he replied. 'Badger AIDS.' He then ran from the shop crying and was run over by Patrick Moore, who really shouldn't have been driving without his monocle..."
On arriving in Greece, Mentalist encountered Star Trek actress Marina Sirtis at the docks.
"Funny story," he told me. "She was dressed as Lady GaGa and kept shouting about 'RIKER'S POKER BEARD!' It was really confusing as this was 2005 and no one knew who Lady GaGa was. But now it all makes sense. What doesn't make sense is when Marina turned into a carrot. But that's another story for another time..."
