I have a friend I describe as "retarded William Shatner." Because I'm a horrible, horrible person. And talking to him on the phone is like talking to a retarded William Shatner. Just long...
....hesitant.....
...pauses.
His superpower is calling at the most inconvenient time and he usually calls when he's driving somewhere and is bored. Look, man, I guess it's a good idea for a way to stay awake, but I've got things to do besides keep you company for a 9 hour drive.
I have a plum tree so I make a lot of stuff with plums--like Bubba in "Forrest Gump" with his shrimp. Everyone used to get a couple jars of plum preserves. I'd take them down to my UPS store, wince at the cost to ship them, and send them off. This year I did wine too. Luckily my UPS store guy has a sideline wine shipping business so he's able to do it on the up-and-up. Sent off 3 packages--4 bottles of wine in one, and a bottle of wine and a jar of preserves in the other 2--one of which went to Retarded Shatner.
Pretty soon I get a text: DID YOU SEND ME A PACKAGE THAT SAID "WINE" ON THE OUTSIDE!? So I'm wondering if I committed some terrible sin and he's now an alcoholic or something and I've gotten him in trouble. As far as I could tell, no, I did not. But he proceeds to wail and moan about how impossible it is going to be for him to get this package (it has to be signed for). This goes on over days with texts and phone calls about how terrible UPS is and how impossible it is for him to receive wine at work or take time off during business hours (he's salaried) to pick it up at the distribution center. So eventually it comes back to me. So now I've got to go pick it up, rewrap it, and try to ship it off some other way. Or just forget it as too much hassle. But I shouldn't. As much as the guy drives me nuts, he's been a good friend for years. Anyway, the point is that I sent out 3 packages. The only thing I heard about the other 2 was an e-mail from UPS saying "your package has been delivered."
He's also been calling me and for some reason my phone has been missing the calls. He tells me he's getting a weird ringtone and problems with the voicemail. So I power-cycle the phone and then call someone. Works fine. I have her call me back. Works fine. I suppose I could have tested the voicemail, but I don't care enough right now. It seems fine.
Well today I'm just getting out of the shower and getting ready to wind down with "The Big Bang Theory" and I realize the phone, on the charger in the other room, is ringing. Retarded Shatner. Fuck. I guess I need to pick it up.
Once we've gotten done talking about the weird phone thing, it turns out he's called to tell me he's been watching DC tv shows on Netflix--Arrow and Flash and Iron Man and that one about a girl who turns into a cheetah and some other animals. With....
...lots.....
...of...
...long...pauses.
And yawning. For some reason, as he's telling me about all the stupid things about Arrow and his adventures with other DC hero, Iron Man, he's yawning all the time. Gee thanks for really upping the energy and taking the dead air between words to whole new levels. As he wraps up telling me how stupid Arrow is and how I should definitely watch it I just decide to be a dick and cut him short because this is actually one of the newer Big Bang Theory episodes that I haven't seen yet and truth be told. I'd much rather watch that than listen to someone haltingly tell me about a super hero show between yawns.