Joke Thread (a thread for jokes)

[CaptainWacky]

Q: How many times has Bill Clinton had sex?
A: Never, he didn't inhale!

Q: Why do ducks quack?
A: To scare away swans!

Q: Why is it called a bread "bin"?
A: To confuse sailors!

Q: How did the letter A know the letter B was cheating on it?
A: Because it could "C" in the dark.

Q: Why are emos so sad?
A: Chemical imbalance!

Q: What do you call a ghost wearing a jumper?
A: Woolly surprise!

Q: Why haven't aliens invaded Earth yet?
A: Too busy eating pizza!

Q: What do you call a man with no legs, arms or sense of smell and a mild form of autism?
A: Fucking useless fuck.

Q: Why did the spacko cross the road?
A: It was fucking confused, man.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Q: What did the cow say to the racoon?
A: MOOOOO!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: Santa Claus as viewed on a black and white television!

 

[Mentalist]

Q. How do you get things for free from people?

A. WITH A GUN

 

[Mentalist]

Q. When can being stuck in traffic be more profitable than your day job?

A.When you're stuck in the middle of your huge international people trafficking ring laughing at how evil you are!

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant?

A: IF YOU DON'T PAY ME BY FRIDAY I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR KNEECAPS (he was a loanshark elephant)

 

[Mentalist]

Q. Why don't Gypsies live in houses?

A. Because they can't afford them.

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

Two Jews walk into a bar. Everybody gives them dirty looks, so they say TCH and OY VEY and leave.

(Do these have to be Q/A? LOL)

 

[Mentalist]

Q. What did the breast say to the baby?

A. You suck!

 

[Mentalist]

Q. How many Chinese people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Wan.


..
lol I'm on fire.

 

[Mentalist]

Q. Why did the pig cross the road?

A. To follow his mortal enemy the chicken who had crossed moments earlier and infect him with SWINE FLU.

 

[Mentalist]

Q. Why do people think blondes are stupid?

A. Because Paris Hilton and Britney Spears exist.

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

Q. What do you get when you put Rush Limbaugh, Andy Dick and Tyra Banks in a blender?

A. Peace and quiet.

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

Q. What did the little girl say to the superstar rapper?

A. NO WAY NIGGA YOU SICK FUCK I'M CALLIN THE COPS!

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

Q: How many superstar rappers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: I'm sorry, it'll be a while, they're all in jail.

 

[Dr Dave]

George W. Bush.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Q: How many football players does it take to spit roast a slut?
A: None, they're all gay!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Q: Who are Elizabeth the Second's favourite band?
A: Queen!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Q: What were Hitler's last words?
A: "I wasn't even supposed to be here today!"

KID FRIENDLY VERSION

Q: WASP were Hitler's last words?
A: "I wasn't even supposed to BEE here today!"

 

[CaptainWacky]

Q: How did R2 D2 get his name?
A: George Lucas sat on his typewriter!

Q: Which Star Wars character's name is also an instruction to carry out if that character is ever arrested?
A: Bail Organa!