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Nascent Drama
- Thread starter Bickendan
- Start date
Loktar
Pinata Whacker
stop killing the world!
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 05/29/08
“Honey, who was that on the phone?”
“Jesus.”
“What’d he want?”
“We’ll talk about that later. First, I know tomorrow is your big day, but I want to give you your graduation present early.”
Adam got down on one knee, and produced a small jewelry box.
“Lilith, will you marry me?”
“Oh Adam, I’m already your wife!”
“I mean officially. Legally. On paper and everything.”
“Don’t you need a last name for that?”
“I’ve been using Summers for the company, I thought we could keep it.”
“Hmmmm…Lilith Summers…I like it. Yes, I’ll marry you!”
They kissed, tearing each other’s clothes off. It was only later, in bed, that he actually got the ring on her.”
“It’s very pretty, I love it. I love you! But you still haven’t told me what Jesus wanted.”
“Oh yeah, that. Well, he wants to run for president, and he wants me to be his VP.”
“Wait, what?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Ok, welcome back to The Tonight Show. I’m pretty sure you’ve heard of my first guest: former religious icon, current bestselling author, and possibly the next president of the United States of America…ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for…JESUS CHRIST!”
Huge applause from the audience. Waves and smiles from the man himself.
“Thank you, everyone. You’re great! Thank you Jay, it’s great to be here.”
“Thanks for being here, Jesus. I understand now, you’re running for president. You think you can do a better job than the last guy we had?” Trademark raised eyebrow from Jay.
“Who, Bush? I think a trained monkey could do better than that guy.” Big laughs from the audience.”
“Hey, quit stealing my lines here, you trying to put me out of a job too?”
“Sorry, Jay.”
“So I hear you’re dating Courtney Love now, and I gotta tell you, if you win, that’d be like the exact opposite of Nancy Regan, wouldn’t it? Instead of ‘Say No To Drugs’, it’ll be: ‘Send Me Drugs’.” Huge laughs from the audience.
Jesus laughed politely. “She’s clean now, Jay.”
“Is she? That’s great. Now about your book…” Jay holds up the book. “Stop Blaming the Jews! I understand it’s the number one bestseller right now, up for multiple awards, and possibly the most controversial book ever. Can you tell us about it?”
“Well, mostly it’s about my life, Jay. I wanted to set the record straight. You know, a lot of people got the wrong idea from that other book… You know, I’m all about love and tolerance, and I love everyone equally, regardless of race, religion, or sexuality.”
“So you’re not against gay marriage?”
“Of course not Jay. Gay people have every right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.” More laughs from the audience.
“I love the title too, ‘Stop Blaming the Jews!’ Jewish people do catch a lot of flack…”
“They really do, Jay. It gets on my nerves. People even say they killed me! That’s a lie. The Romans killed me. I’m Jewish.”
“Non-practicing?”
Jesus smiled. “Non-practicing, Jay. Despite who my father is, I’m not a major fan of religion.”
“Who doesn’t have father issues, am I right folks?” Audience laughs. “I also understand you’re an advocate of marijuana?”
“Well Jay, I’m clean right now for the campaign, but honestly, I plan to legalize it if elected.” Howls and applause from the audience.
“That’s great Jesus. I understand you have an interesting pick for your running mate, Adam. That’s THE Adam, right? First man on Earth?”
“First man, first angel. He’s really a great guy.”
“I’ve seen pictures of him. He looks pretty good for a guy his age. Can we get a picture here?” Screen displays a picture of Adam. “Look at him, doesn’t look much over thirty!”
“He takes good care of himself, Jay.”
“I’ll say he does. Give me his secret, and you got my vote!” Audience laughs.
“I’ll have him call you, Jay.”
“Well, I’ll tell you who won’t be voting for you, and that’s my next guest. Keep it right here, folks. We’ll be back with Mel Gibson!”
Cut to commercial. Mel comes out, looking pissed off. Jesus gets up and goes to shake Mel’s hand, Mel punches Jesus in the face.
“BLEEPing Jew! You BLEEPing ruined me! What the BLEEP is wrong with you?”
“Ok, guys, we better take another commercial break.” Cut to commercial.
“Mel, settle down buddy, you’re on television!”
“Fuck that! Fuck this Jew bastard to! I don’t need this shit! And I don’t need Jay Fucking Leno telling me what to do!” Mel kicks Jesus in the stomach several times, before he can get up.
“That’s it! Security! Get Mr. Gibson out of here!”
Security arrives and escorts Mel out of the building.”
“Fuck you Jay Leno! How many Oscars have you one? Fucking Jew lover! I’ll get you Jesus! You better watch your back, buddy!”
Jay helps Jesus to his feet. “Sorry about that guy. I had no idea he was gonna act like that. Are you ok?”
“I’m fine Jay, It’s ok. I forgive him.”
“Well, you’re a bigger man than me. Now how am I gonna fill the rest of my show?”
“Do you have a musical guest?”
“Not tonight, why?”
“Well, I could get Courtney here, we could do a song we’ve been working on.”
“Oh really? I didn’t know you were a musician!”
Jesus smiled. “I used to be Jimi Hendrix.”
“Cool! You guys have an album coming out?”
“Not yet, but we’re working on it.”
“But you can get her here now?”
Jesus snapped his fingers, and Courtney Love was there, naked and dripping wet.
“What the fuck? Jesus! I was in the shower!”
Jesus blushed. “Sorry babe.” He snapped his fingers again, and she was dressed and dry. The backup band, complete with instruments materialized behind her.”
Jay was just a little unnerved. “So, ummm, band name? Song title?”
“The band’s ‘The Jesus-Love Project’ The song’s called ‘Autumn Crush’. Kinda a retro 90’s new rock sound.”
“Sounds great, you guys ready? We’ll be coming back from commercial in a second.”
“Let’s do this!”
“Ok, great, looks like I still have a show, thanks for saving my ass Jesus. Sorry about Mel.”
“No problem Jay, thanks for having us.”
“Honey, who was that on the phone?”
“Jesus.”
“What’d he want?”
“We’ll talk about that later. First, I know tomorrow is your big day, but I want to give you your graduation present early.”
Adam got down on one knee, and produced a small jewelry box.
“Lilith, will you marry me?”
“Oh Adam, I’m already your wife!”
“I mean officially. Legally. On paper and everything.”
“Don’t you need a last name for that?”
“I’ve been using Summers for the company, I thought we could keep it.”
“Hmmmm…Lilith Summers…I like it. Yes, I’ll marry you!”
They kissed, tearing each other’s clothes off. It was only later, in bed, that he actually got the ring on her.”
“It’s very pretty, I love it. I love you! But you still haven’t told me what Jesus wanted.”
“Oh yeah, that. Well, he wants to run for president, and he wants me to be his VP.”
“Wait, what?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Ok, welcome back to The Tonight Show. I’m pretty sure you’ve heard of my first guest: former religious icon, current bestselling author, and possibly the next president of the United States of America…ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for…JESUS CHRIST!”
Huge applause from the audience. Waves and smiles from the man himself.
“Thank you, everyone. You’re great! Thank you Jay, it’s great to be here.”
“Thanks for being here, Jesus. I understand now, you’re running for president. You think you can do a better job than the last guy we had?” Trademark raised eyebrow from Jay.
“Who, Bush? I think a trained monkey could do better than that guy.” Big laughs from the audience.”
“Hey, quit stealing my lines here, you trying to put me out of a job too?”
“Sorry, Jay.”
“So I hear you’re dating Courtney Love now, and I gotta tell you, if you win, that’d be like the exact opposite of Nancy Regan, wouldn’t it? Instead of ‘Say No To Drugs’, it’ll be: ‘Send Me Drugs’.” Huge laughs from the audience.
Jesus laughed politely. “She’s clean now, Jay.”
“Is she? That’s great. Now about your book…” Jay holds up the book. “Stop Blaming the Jews! I understand it’s the number one bestseller right now, up for multiple awards, and possibly the most controversial book ever. Can you tell us about it?”
“Well, mostly it’s about my life, Jay. I wanted to set the record straight. You know, a lot of people got the wrong idea from that other book… You know, I’m all about love and tolerance, and I love everyone equally, regardless of race, religion, or sexuality.”
“So you’re not against gay marriage?”
“Of course not Jay. Gay people have every right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.” More laughs from the audience.
“I love the title too, ‘Stop Blaming the Jews!’ Jewish people do catch a lot of flack…”
“They really do, Jay. It gets on my nerves. People even say they killed me! That’s a lie. The Romans killed me. I’m Jewish.”
“Non-practicing?”
Jesus smiled. “Non-practicing, Jay. Despite who my father is, I’m not a major fan of religion.”
“Who doesn’t have father issues, am I right folks?” Audience laughs. “I also understand you’re an advocate of marijuana?”
“Well Jay, I’m clean right now for the campaign, but honestly, I plan to legalize it if elected.” Howls and applause from the audience.
“That’s great Jesus. I understand you have an interesting pick for your running mate, Adam. That’s THE Adam, right? First man on Earth?”
“First man, first angel. He’s really a great guy.”
“I’ve seen pictures of him. He looks pretty good for a guy his age. Can we get a picture here?” Screen displays a picture of Adam. “Look at him, doesn’t look much over thirty!”
“He takes good care of himself, Jay.”
“I’ll say he does. Give me his secret, and you got my vote!” Audience laughs.
“I’ll have him call you, Jay.”
“Well, I’ll tell you who won’t be voting for you, and that’s my next guest. Keep it right here, folks. We’ll be back with Mel Gibson!”
Cut to commercial. Mel comes out, looking pissed off. Jesus gets up and goes to shake Mel’s hand, Mel punches Jesus in the face.
“BLEEPing Jew! You BLEEPing ruined me! What the BLEEP is wrong with you?”
“Ok, guys, we better take another commercial break.” Cut to commercial.
“Mel, settle down buddy, you’re on television!”
“Fuck that! Fuck this Jew bastard to! I don’t need this shit! And I don’t need Jay Fucking Leno telling me what to do!” Mel kicks Jesus in the stomach several times, before he can get up.
“That’s it! Security! Get Mr. Gibson out of here!”
Security arrives and escorts Mel out of the building.”
“Fuck you Jay Leno! How many Oscars have you one? Fucking Jew lover! I’ll get you Jesus! You better watch your back, buddy!”
Jay helps Jesus to his feet. “Sorry about that guy. I had no idea he was gonna act like that. Are you ok?”
“I’m fine Jay, It’s ok. I forgive him.”
“Well, you’re a bigger man than me. Now how am I gonna fill the rest of my show?”
“Do you have a musical guest?”
“Not tonight, why?”
“Well, I could get Courtney here, we could do a song we’ve been working on.”
“Oh really? I didn’t know you were a musician!”
Jesus smiled. “I used to be Jimi Hendrix.”
“Cool! You guys have an album coming out?”
“Not yet, but we’re working on it.”
“But you can get her here now?”
Jesus snapped his fingers, and Courtney Love was there, naked and dripping wet.
“What the fuck? Jesus! I was in the shower!”
Jesus blushed. “Sorry babe.” He snapped his fingers again, and she was dressed and dry. The backup band, complete with instruments materialized behind her.”
Jay was just a little unnerved. “So, ummm, band name? Song title?”
“The band’s ‘The Jesus-Love Project’ The song’s called ‘Autumn Crush’. Kinda a retro 90’s new rock sound.”
“Sounds great, you guys ready? We’ll be coming back from commercial in a second.”
“Let’s do this!”
“Ok, great, looks like I still have a show, thanks for saving my ass Jesus. Sorry about Mel.”
“No problem Jay, thanks for having us.”
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
Multiple consecutive posts in the karma thread? Naughty failcunt 
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
Glad to see you're not so moody anymore!
:mrsa:
:mrsa:
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
[QUOTEGagh]lol buketz[/QUOTE]
There's a hole in UR bucket
There's a hole in UR bucket
Shitty Dual
schroedinger's fat
I'm never posting another fucking picture ever, ever again.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
I'd hit it.
Mommy Bridgette
New member
The little I read clearly symbolized the slow but sure deteriation of your brain, Dork..
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 05/30/08
The posters and TV spots were everywhere:
“VOTE JESUS: THIS COUNTRY NEEDS A MIRACLE!”
Political experts were already predicting him to be the first independent candidate to win the presidential election in a very long time.
All doubt was squashed on a live TV debate between Jesus, Obama, and McCain:
“Senator McCain, what is your position on the war in Iraq?”
“We can win this war! We’ve come too far to pull out now!”
“Senator Obama?”
“It’s time to bring our boys home! Let the healing begin?”
“And Mr. Christ?”
“The war is over.”
“Excuse me?”
“All of the troops are now home with their families. The damage done to Iraq has been repaired.”
“I see. What about the environment?”
“I’ve repaired it. None of your cars will run on fossil fuels, anymore. They’re all fuel cells. I’ve cleaned up all of the pollution, and all of the nuclear weapons have been dismantled, and stored safely.”
“That’s great, but what about crime?”
“Well, I can only do so much. Free will and all. But I can take care of the poverty that creates crime. From now on, every US citizen will receive free food, housing, medical care and education. People can still work if they want, to pay for their cable TV and internet and such. Since there’s less people now, I don’t see this as being a strain on the budget.”
It was the highest rated presidential debate ever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next month, Jesus married Courtney Love and Adam married Lilith. It was a double wedding. Cain made the trip up from Hell to be his father’s best man. Bob Dylan was Jesus’.
Jesus provided the food, and he and Courtney even played a set during the reception.
Their album came out a few months later, and outsold even the Beatles and Michael Jackson.
Lilith had taken over Adam’s old job, which kept her traveling most of the time. He was too busy campaigning to miss her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Mr. Gibson, a pleasure to see you.”
“Thank you, your holiness.”
“Unfortunately, that’s a title that no longer applies to me.”
“I assume that’s why you asked me here?”
“Yes. It seems we have a common enemy.”
“That Jew bastard.”
“Yes, he’s ruined us both.”
“He’s ruined a lot more than that, and if he’s elected president, it’ll only get worse.”
“What can we do about it?”
“Normally, I’d say assassination, but that could prove problematic, with his powers.”
“Not to mention that immortal spook he hangs out with. My people have crossed paths with him more than once.”
“Not only that, but if we kill him, we’ll only make him a martyr again.”
“We need to find a way to discredit him.”
“How? Everyone knows he smokes pot. And he married that fucking slut. They still love him.”
“Well have to make something up.”
“Like what? Pedophilia?”
“That’s still a bit of a sore topic.”
“Oh right, sorry.”
“I’ll give it some thought, and get back to you.”
“Thanks, if I come up with anything, I’ll let you know too.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Sit down, agent Logan.”
“Yes, Mr. Xavier.”
“Look, I realize you’re new to the company, but depending on how this election turns out, you might be promoted fairly quickly.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, as you know, there’s a very good chance Agent Summers may be the next Vice President. He’s recommended you as the head of the secret service.”
“Really?”
“He trusts you, and I trust him.”
“Am I ready for that?”
“You will be, after some intense training. I understand you’re married?”
“Separated. She’s filing for divorce.”
“I see. I was going to authorize some leave for you…”
“That’s ok, sir. I can start training tomorrow.”
“That won’t be necessary. Take the rest of the week off, then report back here Monday.”
“Yes sir. But what if Agent Summers ISN’T the next VP?”
“Well then, we’ll find something else for you. Don’t worry though. With this training, coupled with your talent and determination, I’m sure you’ll rise to the top in any case. I dare say it won’t be long before I’m calling you sir.”
Logan smiled. “Yes sir.”
The posters and TV spots were everywhere:
“VOTE JESUS: THIS COUNTRY NEEDS A MIRACLE!”
Political experts were already predicting him to be the first independent candidate to win the presidential election in a very long time.
All doubt was squashed on a live TV debate between Jesus, Obama, and McCain:
“Senator McCain, what is your position on the war in Iraq?”
“We can win this war! We’ve come too far to pull out now!”
“Senator Obama?”
“It’s time to bring our boys home! Let the healing begin?”
“And Mr. Christ?”
“The war is over.”
“Excuse me?”
“All of the troops are now home with their families. The damage done to Iraq has been repaired.”
“I see. What about the environment?”
“I’ve repaired it. None of your cars will run on fossil fuels, anymore. They’re all fuel cells. I’ve cleaned up all of the pollution, and all of the nuclear weapons have been dismantled, and stored safely.”
“That’s great, but what about crime?”
“Well, I can only do so much. Free will and all. But I can take care of the poverty that creates crime. From now on, every US citizen will receive free food, housing, medical care and education. People can still work if they want, to pay for their cable TV and internet and such. Since there’s less people now, I don’t see this as being a strain on the budget.”
It was the highest rated presidential debate ever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next month, Jesus married Courtney Love and Adam married Lilith. It was a double wedding. Cain made the trip up from Hell to be his father’s best man. Bob Dylan was Jesus’.
Jesus provided the food, and he and Courtney even played a set during the reception.
Their album came out a few months later, and outsold even the Beatles and Michael Jackson.
Lilith had taken over Adam’s old job, which kept her traveling most of the time. He was too busy campaigning to miss her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Mr. Gibson, a pleasure to see you.”
“Thank you, your holiness.”
“Unfortunately, that’s a title that no longer applies to me.”
“I assume that’s why you asked me here?”
“Yes. It seems we have a common enemy.”
“That Jew bastard.”
“Yes, he’s ruined us both.”
“He’s ruined a lot more than that, and if he’s elected president, it’ll only get worse.”
“What can we do about it?”
“Normally, I’d say assassination, but that could prove problematic, with his powers.”
“Not to mention that immortal spook he hangs out with. My people have crossed paths with him more than once.”
“Not only that, but if we kill him, we’ll only make him a martyr again.”
“We need to find a way to discredit him.”
“How? Everyone knows he smokes pot. And he married that fucking slut. They still love him.”
“Well have to make something up.”
“Like what? Pedophilia?”
“That’s still a bit of a sore topic.”
“Oh right, sorry.”
“I’ll give it some thought, and get back to you.”
“Thanks, if I come up with anything, I’ll let you know too.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Sit down, agent Logan.”
“Yes, Mr. Xavier.”
“Look, I realize you’re new to the company, but depending on how this election turns out, you might be promoted fairly quickly.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, as you know, there’s a very good chance Agent Summers may be the next Vice President. He’s recommended you as the head of the secret service.”
“Really?”
“He trusts you, and I trust him.”
“Am I ready for that?”
“You will be, after some intense training. I understand you’re married?”
“Separated. She’s filing for divorce.”
“I see. I was going to authorize some leave for you…”
“That’s ok, sir. I can start training tomorrow.”
“That won’t be necessary. Take the rest of the week off, then report back here Monday.”
“Yes sir. But what if Agent Summers ISN’T the next VP?”
“Well then, we’ll find something else for you. Don’t worry though. With this training, coupled with your talent and determination, I’m sure you’ll rise to the top in any case. I dare say it won’t be long before I’m calling you sir.”
Logan smiled. “Yes sir.”
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
Shitty Dual said:
