New Dr Dave story

[CaptainWacky]

Doctor Dave woke up. He was annoyed to see that the girl he had banged the night before was still in his bed.

"Are you still here," he said, not even stating it as a question, not hiding the disgust in his voice.

"Last night was great, baby," she said, rolling over to lookg at him. Doctor Dave recoiled. Those night club lights had been kind to her. Very kind.

"Fuck," he said. "I mean, for a normal person this would be acceptable, but I'm Doctor nosefucking Dave. Hide your face as you leave."

"You said you could get me some pills, man," she said. Why had she said "man" like that, Dave wondered. Was she a hippy? Oh fuck. Her hair was really long. She was a fucking hippy, wasn't she?

"You're one of them, aren't you?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" she said, getting out of bed now. She was naked. It wasn't just the hair on her head that was long.

"Fuck," he said.

"So about these pills..."

"Do you have a fuckdamn prescription?" he asked.

"No, man," she said.

"Well will you overdose and die in a gutter?"

"No!"

"Oh. Well, I'll give you them anyway," he sighed.

"Thanks!" she said, doing a little dance.

"No problem, bitch," he said, reaching under his bed and pulling out the first bottle he found. "Here. Take as many as you fuckdamn want a day."

"What are they?"

"Fucked if I know. Might be Jape pills."

"Jape pills? I've never had them, man."

"You wouldn't, they're for menopausal women."

"Oh..."

"Yeah, but they, umm, give you a great...trip...man," Doctor Dave spat out. He hated using hippy speak.

"Mega!" she said, taking the bottle. "Well, I'll be going then, give me a call sometime."

"YEAH, SURE," said Dave, a huge "fuck off" grin on his face. "Wait, arent' you going to wear clothes?"

"Don't you remember? That bastard priest stole my clothes when he was trying to rape me. You rescued me."

It all came rushing back now. Doctor Dave's arch enemy had been at the club. The Purple Priest. A priest who wore purple all the time. And raped women. Doctor Dave had saved dozens of women from him then bagned them consentually afterwards. That's what had happened last night.

"That fucking shitfoot," said Dave. "I should kill him." And he really should, he thought. He wouldn't be banging anymore dodgy hippy broads like this one if the Purple Priest was dead. Plus he was evil and stuff.

"Hey man, human life is sacred," said the woman. Dave had to restrain himself from slapping her.

"GET OUT," he boomed and she shrugged and left. He picked up his phone and hit a button. "Hello, Brutus? Yeah, it's me. I need the biggest fucking knife you have. No, that's a sword. I want a knife. A big fucking knife."

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

That was good.

Made me laugh.

Ty Captain Wacky.

 

[I Love Cunt]

LOL

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Purple Priest I'm going to kill the shit out of you," said Dave, stroking his new, FUCKING HUGE (but not as big as a sword) knife. All he needed now was bait. A hot woman to lure the Purple Priest out of hiding. Then, when the priest prepared to assault her, Dave would jump out and stab his neck up good. "Fucking neck," said Dave.

"Hey, why are you following me stroking a knife?" asked the hot business woman in the hot suit he was following.

"Because you're fucking hot," he said.

"What?!"

"You are, bitch. I've got a semi looking at your ass in those BUSINESS PANTS."

"You pervert!"

"I'm not a perv, I'm Doctor fucking Dave."

"Oh my God, are you that lunatic who's been raping women in this area!?"

"No, that's the Purple Priest, the bastard."

"Oh. So who are you?"

"I'm the guy who's going to fucking stab his neck while you watch. Then probably have sex with you. I mean, I know I'm killing him so that I won't wake up with anymore hippies, but you don't look like a hippy. And you don't smell."

"I used to be a hippy, before I joined the Republican Party," she said. Dr Dave could barely countain his boner.

"Fuck, Republican bitches are hot," he said. "Fuck. Let's do it in a dumpster."

"No! I'm married!"

"Oh."

"To my job!"

"Oh!"

"But...if I bang you in a dumpster, it'll ruin my reputation."

"Fine slut let's do it in my bed I don't give a shit, come on," he said, taking her arm.

"Weren't you going to kill that rapist?"

"Nah, he can wait," said Dave, his eyebrows going up an down suggestively.

"Cool," she said.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Ishcabittle]

doctor fucknose dave!

 

[Dr Dave]

This story is full of win.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"That was some fucking great sex," said Doctor Dave.

"Thanks," she said. "Was good for me too." Doctor Dave paused for a moment, wondering if he could say the thing he was about to say next.

"Top five," he pushed out of his mouth. It had been, easily. There was nothing wrong with paying a woman a compliment, he told himself.

"Seriously?" asked the hot Republican bitch.

"Seriously," said Dave, disturbed by how he felt. Did he...care about this woman? Or had he just really enjoyed the sex. It had been great. "Top three," he said, not even meaning to it. She was blushing.

"I don't do this, you know," she said. "Just have sex with random strange men. But you...there's something about you."

"Yes there is," said Doctor Dave.

"Do you do it a lot?"

"No, of course not!" he said, laughing, trying to look human. It was a complete lie, of course. He'd had more sex than Jonathan Frakes.

"I can't believe this happened...hehe."

"Heh heh."

"Yeah..."

"So what's your name?" He felt stupid afterwards. Don't ask her name! Okay, he didn't know so it was a legitimate question, but he should have found out some other way.

"I never told you, did I? It's..."

"Hold on," said Dave, looking at the tv. A picture of the Purple Priest was on screen. The sound was turned off so Dave turned it up.

"...horrible loss of life," said the news reporter. "To recap our top story in full, 27 school children today DISAPPEARED from class. A note was found said to be from the Purple Priest, a notorious priest and rapist. Here an actor reads it for us in a funny voice."

"Hahaha, you mooks, I stole your kids. What are you going to do about it, fuckstains? Nothing, that's what. Motherjammers. You suck. Your society sucks. That's why I did it. That and because of Doctor Dave. The bastard. He kept foiling my rapes then having conesntual sex with the women to rub it in. GRR. Well Doctor SO CALLED Dave if that is your REAL NAME, I've fucking kidnapped a whole bunch of kids and I will EAT one a day unti you surrender to me and let me rape YOU in the ultimate act of irony. HAHAHAHAHHA! YOU BASTARD. FUCK YOU."

"Shit!" said the girl. "That's...that's..."

"I know, babe, the purple priest. And it looks like because I didn't kill him last night he's going to eat some kids. There's always a price. Have the best sex of your life and some lunatic eats some kids. It's the way of the world. But I will stop him. Even if it means...even if it means he gets to rape me."

"Really? You really mean it? The best sex of your life? WOW!"

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Doctor Dave was at a television studio with his new girlfriend.

"You're so brave," she said.

"Yes that's right," he said.

"You're on the air in five seconds," said some tv guy. Doctor Dave looked directly into the camera.

"Okay Purple Priest you fisheye, you fucknip, you japanese banjo, listen up. I hear you're about to eat some kids because of little old me. Yeah, that sounds like something you'd do, eating kids. YOU SICK DONKEY. But let me tell you something, hairface. I'd happily let you rape me just to save those kids. But guess what, AGAIN. I have a challenge for you. If you are any kind of man what's say we settle the score once and for all in a DUEL TO THE DEATH at the park TODAY, BITCH? WHAT SAY YOU? Fucking turn the camera off before I stab you."

"Wow, that was...oh my," said the girl and they made out.

"We're getting a reply already!" said some other tv guy. "It reads 'NO, NO WAY, NO DUEL TO THE DEATH, I MIGHT DIE, I DON'T WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO RAPE YOU, COME TO THE JIMMYJACK CHURCH YOU KNOW THE ONE OR I'LL EAT ANOTHER KID, HAHAHAHAHA, FUCK' I think it's from the Purple Priest!"

"No shit," said Dave. "Let's roll."

THey got on the Dr Dave cycle and went to the Jimmyjack church. Luckily it was only 28 seconds away from the studio.

"So I was thinking I don't know anything about your past," said Dr Dave.

"True," she said.

"Or your name," he said.

"It's Rebecca," she said.

"What about your surname?" he asked, curious for some reason.

"Err...oh shit, there he is," she said. THe Purple Priest was standing at the door.

"HAHAHAHAHA," he said. "Hello, REBECCA."

"What!?" said Dr Dave.

"My surname," said Rebecca. "It's Purple. REBECCA PURPLE. I'm his ex wife. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Doctor Dave slapped the shit out of her. He then felt a sharp pain in his neck. He'd been shot. In the neck.

 

[Dr Dave]

Will this be the end of Dr Dave?

(I hope not)

 

[CaptainWacky]

Doctor Dave woke to find himself inside the church. His neck hurt, but he'd been shot before. His body could take a few bullets. He was tied up. There were schookids tied up all over the church. And Rebecca was lying on the ground near him, also tied up. Dave tried to spit on her but didn't have the strength. He made a note to slap the shit out of her again as soon as he got free. Then he saw him. The Purple Priest. Holding a knife and fork.

"How does it feel, Doctor, OR SHOULD I SAY COCKLORD, Dave? How does it feel to know that I had her before you? WHOOOOO!!" said the Priest in typical Purple Priest style. "HOW DOES IT FUCKDAMN FEEL IN YOUR BALLS?"

"It feels good," lied Doctor Dave. HE WASN'T GOING TO GIVE THE PURPLE PRIEST THE SATISFACTION.

"Hahaha! You have no idea what role this woman has played in everything I have done!"

"What does he mean, Rebecca?" asked Dave. But she was out cold.

"She's out cold, you fool!" said the Priest. "One cannot speak when out cold! I shall tell you the story."

"Yes, you do that," said Dave, secretly trying to untie the BIG KNOT in the rope which tied him down.

"WELL, we got married. Then I started killing people. AND SHE HELPED. And used to lick the blood. That's right, she licked the blood! Still think she's great? She's not! She's a blood-licker! Then when I started raping women she suddenly said I was a kraven cowardly lion! And she dumped me! BITCH."

"Rape is bad," said Dave.

"It's fun!" countered the priest. "And I have GOOD REASON to rape them, good reason to rape them all!"

"Okay," said Dave. The knot was too tight and he couldn't quite get it...

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Okay."

"Do you want to know what happens next? WELL I'LL TELL YOU SINCE YOU ASKED SO NICELY AND ALL, BITCHFACE. I'm going to RAPE my wife right in front of your eyes, whorenose. What do you think of that?"

"What do I think? Hmm. Let me tell you what I think. I think I'm going to break then punch you in the neck. Then I'm going to get you down on the ground and I'm gonig to tie you up THE WAY YOU TIED ME UP. Then I'm going to stand on your face. Then I'm going to kick your balls really really hard. Like really hard. Until they burst. Then I'm going to collect all the ball jucie that comes out of your burst balls and make you drink it. Make you drink it all up real nice. Force it all down your stinking throat. Then I'm going to carve some of the fat out of your back, your fat stupid back, because you do have a fat stupid back you fat stupid fuck. So I'm going to carve some of that fat out then I'm going to fashion it into the shape of a cup. It'll be crude, but it'll work as a cup. Yeah, bitch, it will work. Then I'll make you pee into this cup. I'll make you pee out your own ball juice into a cup of your own fat you slut. Then I'll make you drink it all again. Then I'll shove the fat cup down your stinking throat too you whore. Then I'll cut your dick off with no warning. Just slice the little thing off. Then I'll take your dick...and shave it up your ass. No. No, not shove. Rape. I'll rape your ass with your own dick. You'll know what all them women felt you bastard. I'll leave it up there. But then you'll need to shit. You'll shit out the fat cup and your dick will be mixed in with the shit. Then I'll make you eat that. Yeah, that's right. I'll make you eat your own dick mixed in with shit made form the fat cut from your back into the shape of a cut containing the piss made from your own ball juice. Then I'll cut your feet off. Then I'll throw you into the path of a slow moving car, so that you don't die but it will hurt you. Then when you wake up in the hospital your doctor will be Doctor Dave. And I'll stab you right in the heart. That's what I think of that."

Then Doctor Dave burst free of his restraints.

 

[Gagh]

WILL DR DAVE FIND THAT SPECIAL NOSE? Will Batman ever dance again, and will Pete "The Boss" Ross ever mind true peace with his metal feet?

Only time and THE NEW DR DAVE STORY can tell us for sure!

 

[CaptainWacky]

"No, how!" said the Priest. "I tied those knots DOUBLE TIGHT!"

"Yeah, well I must be TRIPLE the Doctor Dave you thought I was," said Dave, then he hit the priest with a might right hand to the jaw. The priest went down like a ton of bricks.

"At least put up a fight you pansy," said Dave, leaning over. It was then that the priest stabbed him in the leg with a HIDDEN KNIFE.

"Ha!" said the priest. "You forgot to search me for knives you whore!"

"Hmm," said Dave, then he calmly pulled the knife out of his leg and kicked the priest in the face. "How about that."

"Impossible!" said the priest. Dave leaned over him.

"Dave possible," said Dave. The priest pulled a SECOND hidden knife out and stabbed Dave's other leg. He then SWEEPED Dave's legs out from under him and MOUNTED the good doctor.

"Not even you can survive TWO hidden knife attacks!" he said, then start punching Dave in the face. "PUNCHY PUNCHY."

"Ouch," said Dave. Then he caught one of the fists in his mouth and bit down.

"AAAAH, my punching fist!" said the priest. Dave used this to shift his weight and end up on top of the priest. He banged the priest's head onto the ground.

"Yes...that's...right," said Dave, smashing the priest's head after every word.

"Stop it, you're killing him!" came a female voice. It was Rebecca. She had gotten free somehow.

"Fuck you, you fucking whore-eating bandage-wearing Star Trek-watching french slut," said Dave.

"I deserved that," said Rebecca. "But you can't kill him Dave. That's...that's how he got started."

"What the shit do you mean?" asked Dave.

"Do you think he was always evil? When I met him, when I married him, he was a good man. He was like you. He fought crime. He brought bad people to justice. And then...then he started killing the criminals. And eating their eyeballs. At first I thougth this was okay. After all, they were only criminals. And some hobos. But then there were a whole lot of rapes in the city. Scientists said it was because women were getting sexier than ever before. And my husband he...he started raping women himself! He said it saved time, you see. It was too much effort to stop all the women from being raped by criminals, so he raped them himself first so that the criminals couldn't get to them. It was crazy troll logic. I couldn't stay with him after that. And also the fact that he was beating me with a rolling pin every day. I left him and never thought I'd find someone good to love again...until I found you."

"Fuck you," said Dave.

"Don't kill him! Once you take a life there's no going back!"

"I've killed 38,388 men," said Dave.

"Oh," said Rebecca. It was then that one of the children hit Dave over the head with a shovel.

"I got him, dad!" said the kid.

"Good work, MY SON," said the priest. "Now we enter ENDGAME..."

TO BE CUNTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Oh my God!" said Rebecca. "It's Mick! My son!" She ran to hug him, but Mick punched her in the tits.

"Get off my you old hag!" he said.

"You told me he died horribly in a fire!" Rebecca said to the Priest. "You said his eyeballs melted!"

"Do they look melted, whore?" said her son, Mick.

"You've raised him to hate women!" said Rebecca.

"BUT OF COURSE," said the Priest. "Now you see my designs. ONLY NOW."

"Not really," she said.

"As you know, I've always wanted to end crime. ALL crime. That has ever been my goal. You thought I strayed from the path by raping the shit out of women. But I was still just doing research. Into crime. You see, I found out one thing, ONE THING that all crimes have in common."

"What's that you crazy elephant turd?" she asked.

"They all involve women."

"What? That's stupid!"

"NO. It's true. Look at the OJ Simpson murders. Who did he murder? A WOMAN. Look at Jack The Ripper. Who did he murder? WOMEN. OF THE NIGHT. It's always about women."

"What about the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, you git?"

"His mother was a woman."

"WHAT?"

"THE POINT IS that if I KILL ALL THE WOMEN IN THE WORLD there will be no more crime."

"That makes no fucking senese! You just hate women because I left you and because so many have laughed at your tiny penis."

"NO. I HAVE ALUTURISTIC GOALS."

"You ain't got shit!"

"GRR." The priest grabbed her around the throat. It was at this point that Doctor Dave nipped up.

"Get your hands off my girlfriend," he said.

"But I hit you with a shovel!" said Mick.

"I have a metal plate in my skull you little shit," said Dave and he kicked Mick int he face.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"You suck! You stink!" said the priest.

"I'm going to kill your face," said Dave. The priest pulled out a HIDDEN GUN and held it to Rebecca's head.

"FOOL! I'LL BLOW HER NOSE OFF IF YOU COME CLOSER!" he said.

"Hiding behind a woman, why don't you fight me one on one with FISTICUFFS instead you apple cart," said Dave.

"How about I retreat to the ROOF of the church instead!" said the priest, dragging Rebecca up a STAIRCASE. Dave followed slowly.

"There's no escape," said Dave. "You whiney Australian."

"I AM NOT AN AUSTRALIAN!"

"Dave, let me die, I'm partly to blame for his evil," said Rebecca.

"No," said Dave. "Even if that were true I wouldn't let you die."

"Why not?" she asked, intensely.

"Because you're fucking hot and I love fucking you," said Dave.

"That's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me!" she said.

"HA!" said the priest. "WE'RE ON THE ROOF NOW, FUCKSTAINS."

"So what?" asked Dave. "Is GOD HIMSELF going to reach down and pull you to safety, you Prince Albert faced nose-badger?"

"Not God...THE GODCHOPTER!" It was then that a helicopter appeared out of the sky and the priest jumped on to it with Rebecca.

"Who is the pilot?" asked Dave.

"It's me, laddie!" said PROFESSOR DUCKTEETH, the old scottish professor Dave had met on a previous adventure.

"I thought you were a good guy," said Dave, sadly.

"FUCK YOU," said Duckteeth.

"I LOVE YOU!" shouted Rebecca to Dave.

"And I love fucking you," said Dave, sadly. "NO! I'M NOT LETTING THIS END!" he said. He ran and jumped off the edge of the roof, grabbing a hold of the helicopter in MID AIR.

 

[Dr Dave]

GO DAVE GO!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Dave pulled himself into the helicotper THROUGH SHEER FORCE OF WILL.

"How is this possible!?" said the priest.

"He's Doctor Dave you fucknose," said Rebecca.

"Want me to crash this copter into a building, kill us all?" asked the pilot.

"No!" said the priest.

"You hypocrite," said Rebecca. "You murder others but you're not willing to die for your convictions."

"FUCK YOU, SPIDER BITCH," he said, pushing her into Dave. "You fool, Doctor Dave. You absolute fool. Did you not think I would have HIDDE KNIVES stored in my helicopter?" He pulled out a HIDDEN KNIF and threw it at Dave, but Dave caught it with his TEETH.

"Tastes good," he deadpanned, taking the knife out of his mouth. He then threw it back at the priest, stabbing him right in the fucking throat.

"MY THROAT! BLOOD'S COMING OUT OF IT! AAAAH! TAKE ME TO A HOSPITAL!"

"But I'll be arrested for being part of your evil scheme!" said the helicopter pilot.

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, AAAH!" said the priest.

"Take us to the fucking hospital you frencman," said Dave. "I'll call the police then."

"The quality of mercy," said Rebecca, impressed. "You're not going to let him die."

"I was aiming for his heart with that knife," admitted Dave.

"Maybe SUBCONSCIOUSLY you steered yourself to hit his throat so he wouldn't die," she said.

"Yeah, whatever, fuck," he said.

"Err, he could still bleed to death," said the pilot.

"Shut up you CO-CONSPIRATOR BOX OF GLASS," said Dave.

"Fine!" said the pilot. "Well, the hospital has a helipad, so let's land."

"Oh Doctor Dave, I love you," said Rebecca.

"You lied to me you turtle shell," said Dave.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I was so ashamed that I was ever married to that man. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Yes, let's fuck," said Dave.

"Get a room!" said the pilot. The three of them laughed. Dave and the pilot picked up the priest and helped him off the copter.

"Hmm, nobody here to meet us, how fucking odd," said Dave. Then, SUDDENLY, about twenty NINJAS came leaping and flipping out of nowhere.

"WE ARE THE BLACK SUN MOON NINJAS OF THE SEXUAL AROUSAL CLAN," said a ninja. "THIS IS OUR HOSPITAL. THIS IS OUR TOWN. PREPARE TO DIE."

"Here we go again," said Dave, as Rebecca handed him a shotgun.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Fucking ninjas," said Dave, blowing one away as it jumped at him. "Fucking fucking ninjas," he added as he blew another two away. "Fuck, there's so many, this is getting boring already."

"Here, take this shotgun, it's DOUBLE BARREL," said Rebecca.

"Thanks," said Dave. "You take this one, then. It's more suitable for a girl."

"Okay!" she said, taking the original shotgun and handing the DOUBLE BARREL shotgun to Dave.

"Hey, I want to help too!" said the pilot.

"Why, you're one of the stinking priest's men," said Dave.

"Ninja's killed my father! And raped my father! AFTER killing him!" said the pilot.

"Okay, you can help," said Dave, suddenly feeling a deep kinship with this pilot. "But there's no more fucking shotguns so you'll have to use your bare fists."

"Oh, I've got something better than fists," he said and pulled out a LIGHTSABRE.

"Is that a lightsabre you bastard?" asked Dave, jealous.

"I have to call it a 'laser sword' for legal reasons," said the pilot. "But yes, yes it is."

The three HEROES sprang into action, blowing apart and cutting up ninjas with reckless abandon.

"Ha!" said the HEAD NINJA. "You can kill us but for every three ninjas who died, THREE AND A HALF will take their place!"

"Fuck you," said Dave and he shot him in the head.

"Let's get inside, see if there's any doctors who will help my ex husband," said Rebecca.

"What if they're ninja doctors?" asked Dave. "I went to med school with one of them. He was a racist."

"KILL THEM THEN," said the pilot. "Never make them stop paying."

The three charged into the hospital. It was full of cats.

"Why are you kitty cats here?" asked Rebecca.

"Kill them, there's no time to talk to cats," Dave.

"I'm not killing cats!" she said, horrified. "They're not DOGS or anything!"

"Oh, so you want to know why this hospital is full of ninjas and cats, do you?" said a MYSTERIOUS VOICE.

"Yes," said Dave.

"Well I'll TELL YOU THEN," said DOCTOR OCTOPUS, stepping out of the shadows.

"You cunt," said Dave.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" said Doctor Octopus. "Only now, in the end, do you understand."

"Yes," said Doctor Dave.

"What?!" asked Rebecca?

"The priest is dying, we don't have time for this!" said the pilot. He took a step forward. Doctor Octopus knocked him back with his inhuman octopus tentacles.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" he said.

"I don't get it!" said Rebecca. "Isn't he a Spider-Man villain?"

"No, that's just a coincidence" said Dave. "This is Doctor Lance Octopus. He went to medical school with me. He was a bastard. I slept with his girlfriend a lot. And his hot sister. And his mother. But he was the bastard."

"And he has octopus tentacles?!" she asked.

"No, he did not have octopus tentacles," said Dave.

"I have improved myself!" said Octopus. "And now to improve you three friends...by KILLING you!"

"Go to octo-hell!" said Dave and shot Doctor Octopus with his big gun.

"Yes!" said the pilot. But Doctor Octopus laughed.

"Mere bullets cannot stop me! And now, for you to die, at the hands, OR SHOULD I SAY TENTACLES, of me!" He attacked the three heroes with his tentacles. He knocked shit out of them.

"Fuck he's good," said Dave.

"If we die, there's something I want you to know," said Rebecca. "I...I...love..."

"YES?" asked Dave. "Speak faster."

"You! I love you!" she said.

"Oh," he said. "I love me too." Then he avoided a TENTACLE ATTACK and shot Doctor Octopus again, this time in the fucking face."

"I don't get it," said Dave. "I just shot your fucking face. Why ain't you dead, bitch?"

"You can't kill me now that MY IMAGINATIION controls reality!"

"What the shit does that mean?" asked Dave.

"It means," said another female voice. "That Doctor Octopus is the dreamer AND the dream."

"Mrs Octopus?!" asked Dave. It was Octopus's hot mother. She had huge 40 year old tits.

"That's right!" she said. "Want to titty fuck agan?"

"Yes," said Dave. "I mean, no. You died in a fire. How can you be here?"

"It's his imagination!" said the pilot. "I think I know what's happening...AAAAAAAARGH!" Doctor Octopus SNAPPED the pilot's neck with a tentacle.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Dave. "My best friend!"

"Your bitch is next," said Octopus, grabbing Rebecca around the neck.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Wait!" said Dave. "Before you brutally murder the only girl I've ever wanted to sleep with more than once, tell me what's going on here! How is your mother alive? Why the ninjas and cats?"

"HAHAHAHA!" said Mrs Octopus.

"Shut up," said Dave.

"Seeing as how there's ABSOLUTELY no way you can stop me, I'll tell you," said Octopus. "I lost it all, Dave. EVERYTHING. My wife left me for another woman. My kids decided to live with the lesbians instead of me. And I was FIRED from the hospital for molesting patients. I only did it a couple of times! I was at my lowest. And then...an angel came to me. Sent by God. OR THE DEVIL. TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN. HAHA. Yes. Something mystical anyway. You remember, don't you Dave, when we were in med school and we found that cave full of ghosts?"

"Yes, of course," said Dave. "Ghost cave."

"Yes, ghost cave. Well, it was one of them! It had been following me my whole life! And it offered me a gift. The gift of altering reality! That's right, this hospital was where I worked. NOW I WORK HERE AGAIN. Thanks to the reality altering ghost demon thing. HAHAHAH. Yes, I made it all with my thoughts. The ninjas? I'm sure you remember the ninja we went to med school with. I always wanted to be like him. I used him as a template for my security force. The cats? Well, I like cats! The octopus arms? FOR FUN! My mother? For sex!"

"You have sex with your mother?" asked Dave, feeling sick.

"Eww," said Rebecca.

"No!" he said. "The ninjas do!"

"Oh, that makes sense," said Dave.

"Mmm, ninjas," said Mrs Octopus.

"Now, to snap this pretty thing's pretty neck then snap YOUR DICK OFF," said Octopus.

"No!" said Rebecca. "Not his dick!"

"There's one thing you didn't count on, tentacle cunt," said Dave.

"What's that?" asked Octopus. "You can't hurt me here, my imagination controls reality!"

"I was in that cave too," said Dave. "And that ghost owes ME a favour for freeing it just as much as you. That is why..."

"No!" said Octopus.

"I WAS REALITY WOULD RETURN TO NORMAL," said Dave. Suddenly, everything shimmered. Rebecca was free. The tentacles and Mrs Octopus were gone. And the pilot was alive.

"He must have only imagined me dead!" he said.

"Imagine your way out of this," said Dave. And he fired his shotgun at Ocotpus.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Well, Octopus is dead," observed Rebecca, looking at the pieces of his brain lying all over the floor.

"Yep," said Dave. "Oh well."

"Haha, you're just as evil as the priest, I love it!" said the pilot. "I will serve you, my master."

Dave shot the pilot in the heart.

"Why!?" asked Rebecca. "He was on our side!"

"He said I was like the priest," said Dave, coldly. "He deserved to die for that."

"But I used to be married to the priest," said Rebecca. "Should I die?" Dave aimed the gun at her.

"Yes," he said, coldly. AND HE FIRED. Rebecca's tits were blown clean off and she died.

"Hahahaha, now to kill some babies," said Dave. "Hey, wait a minute, why did I do that? She's dead! And the pliot, my best friend! WHAT HAVE I DONE, NOOOO!"

"And THAT is what would happen if you slept with my ex wife," said a voice.

"Wait, I know that voice," said Dave, spinning round. THE PURPLE PRIEST was standing there, FULLY HEALTHY.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" said the priest.

"You fucking stickjew!" said Dave. "You're dead! Or dying! What the shit is going on!"

"Think back, doctor SO CALLED Dave. Think back to after you slept with that hippy I was going to rape and decided to kill me."

"That was ages ago!"

"It was THE LAST THING YOU DID."

"WHAAAAAAAAAT?"

"The Ghost Cave, Doctor SO CALLED Dave? I WAS THERE. With you and Octopus. I WAS AT MED SCHOOL WITH YOU."

"I don't remember you. You're lying. I'd remember if a LIVING CUNT was in med school with me."

"I lost my face in a tragic rape accident and had one of them face transplants they have nowadays. AND YOU PERFORMED THE SURGERY."

"I don't remember that either!"

"Because you were drunk!"

"Oh yeah. I often performed drunk surgery. No wonder they fired me."

"YES! Look at the HIDEOUS FACE you gave me!"

"You look like Tom Cruise."

"EXACTLY!"

"But wait...what the fuck is going on here? I mean, seriously? What the fucking fuck?"

"Ah-h-h-h! You are beginning to understand!"

"No I'm not, tell me!"

"The ghost gave me the power to control reality, hahahaha! I used that power to rape women without being caught. And that's how I knew, Doctor Dave, that you were coming to kill me with a big knife."

"I sure was."

"But then you saw my ex-wife Rebecca on the street and thought about having sex with her. THAT'S WHEY I SWOOPED IN. I created this ALTERNATE reality to see what would happen if you slept with Rebecca instead of killing me there and then!"

"Oh, that makes perfect sense."

"Yes! This is how it would have ended, with you KILLING Rebecca's tits and your new friend the helicotper pilot, who is my Cousin Al by the way. HAHAHAHA!"

"And I killed you too."

"Well, yeah. But this reality isn't real so I'm still alive."

"And so is Rebecca."

"Yeah...but still..."

"So this is the real you, now?"

"Yeah."

"Cool." Dave stabbed the Priest in the neck. "Cool," he repeated.