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Star Wars: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker???????

Was it better or worse than Rey being revealed to be a robot.



(Luke's last words being "AUNT BERU!" is the best part.)
 
I don't want to be too negative because I know some people enjoyed it and I don't want them to think I'm saying they're stupid for liking it because I hate it when people do that about things I like. But also this movie wasn't very good.

When it was revealed that Palpatine was returning I thought "well that doesn't make sense but at least Ian McDiarmid will be entertaining." Sadly he never really go the chance to nr. He just repeated lines that have become memes from ROTS (a better movie than this by the way) while being lifted up and down on the Borg Queen's harness. Then Rey killed him in a bit that really felt like the "I am Iron Man" moment in Endgame but without the eleven years of careful planning that made that moment work. And since he's already shown he can come back to life through vague means, what does it matter that she killed him?

It's funny how this, the third movie in a trilogy, managed to have an even worse "family reveal" scene than the most derided moment in Return of the Jedi (the "certain point of view" scene where they had to make sense of Leia being Luke's sister despite them nearly shagging in the previous two movies.) It's so obvious Rey being a Palpatine (and lol at the idea of Palpatine....having a girlfriend?) was just plucked out the air for this movie. If Rey's story all along is supposed to have been that she's drawn to the dark side because of her lineage, why were there so few scenes of her being tempted by the dark side in all three films? Even here when she used force lightning to "kill" Chewie she was disgusted by the power rather than enjoying it and being all "hey maybe being evil would be cool!"

Could anyone follow the logic of the fetch quest that made up about half the movie? Who made that fucking knife? Rey's parents, I guess? They...could speak Sith?

When all the spaceships showed up at the end (Lando: "On your left.") I thought at least we might get a decent space battle. And then...none of them really did anything, the Star Destroyers just sat there instead of using their planet killing weapons and it just continued to be X-Wings shooting stuff.

They sacrificed Hux to make Richard E. Grant's character scarier...then he didn't do anything.

I really don't like this thing where people can pass objects through the force but maybe that's just me being STUCK IN MY WAYS.

Leia sure liked standing at that one angle all the time! (I know why.)

To be positive(!): Daisy Ridley was good and Adam Driver was fun when he turned into Ben at the end. Shame he didn't actually get to talk as Ben. The lightsaber fight on the Death Star was kind of good and Leia's death was probably done as well as it could be (though if the idea was that Rey killed her by stabbing Ben when Leia was in his mind, shouldn't Rey have been more upset about it and blaming herself?) Babu Frik was cute in a "not as cute as Baby Yoda" kind of way. Wedge lol.
 
Palestine's son was the most interesting character.

And we know nothing about him.

The death fakes were annoying. Should've really killed Chewbacca off. He didn't do anything else. It was like they got cold feet, and inserted him back into the script. Fuck it ALL THE OLD CHARACTERS SHOULD'VE DIED! You think Hux would've known the price for failure is DEATH! He must've really hated Kylo Ben. So was he afraid of what he'd do? Was he jelly? Was he a spy the whole trilogy?

What was Finn's secret? The force? His sexuality? He was somehow Rey's brother? Palpatine knocked up tons up bitches and that kid at the end of Last Jedi was a Palpabastard's Child who's gonna come gunnin for REY 25 YEARS FROM NOW IN THE NEXT TRILOGY??

Harrison Ford cameo was cool, I guess.
 
So Mary Sue's big triumph is... identity theft? Can't say I'm exactly surprised. "Hurr durr, I'm gonna appropriate Luke's Jedi aptitude and Han's mechanical aptitude and Leia's gender! Hurrp durrrrr! Might as well just appropriate the name 'Skywalker' too, since I fuckin' stole everything else, hurp durp!"
 
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Dershocka said:
Fuck it ALL THE OLD CHARACTERS SHOULD'VE DIED!
Click to expand...

Might as well have. This wasn't really Star Wars in any other way, the least they could have done would have been to mercifully just release all the actual Star Wars characters from this steaming pile of garbage.
 
Face it, and I know some of you don't want to, but this whole sequilogy (is that a word? guess it is now!) was just shit fanfic committed to film with a massive production budget behind it. I have literally read better Star Wars fanfic than this fucking garbage, regardless of production budget.

I mean that literally. I'm not even a Star Wars fan, since age 10, and now and then I've read Star Wars fanfic, on http://fanfiction.net, and it was literally better than this acre-wide fucking shitpie.
 
The Tomtrek said:
There was that bit when it looked like they killed one of the main characters but then undid it almost immediately.

And then they did it twice more.
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Yeah it definitely set a world record for death fakeouts in a movie. They even had the planet with Babu Frik and Visor Girl explode and Poe was like "NOO, those two people plus billions more are dead!" Then Frik and Visor just showed up in the final battle with no explanation anyway.

Dershocka said:
What was Finn's secret? The force? His sexuality? He was somehow Rey's brother? Palpatine knocked up tons up bitches and that kid at the end of Last Jedi was a Palpabastard's Child who's gonna come gunnin for REY 25 YEARS FROM NOW IN THE NEXT TRILOGY??
Click to expand...

"Rey, I never told you...I've failed to live up to the promise my character showed in the first 30 minutes of TFA!"

(J.J. confirmed that his secret was that he was Force sensitive. Why this wasn't actually in the fucking movie and had to be confirmed in a Q&A I have no idea.)
 
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