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The Mine Field Games

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Tomtrek

Tomtrek found himself in a clearing in a forest, standing on some kind of podium. He had no idea how he'd got there. In the centre of the clearing was a huge number 23, with objects hanging from it. Tomtrek strained to make out what the objects were. It looked like some of them were...weapons? All around the clearing were at least three dozen other podiums, all the same distance from the number 23. And each of them had another person standing on them. Who were they? Tomtrek thought he recognised one, but it wasn't coming to him...then a loud voice interrupted his thoughts.

"HELLO, TREKKIE SCUM, AND WELCOME TO THE MINE FIELD GAMES. YOU WILL SEE MANY WEAPONS AND OTHER ITEMS OF INTEREST IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING FACES. YOU BETTER GRAB SOMETHING, BECAUSE IT'S KILL OR BE KILLED YOU BASTARDS. I SHIT ON YOU ALL. ONLY ONE OF YOU WILL BE LEFT ALIVE. FUCK YOU. AT THE SOUND OF THE HORN YOU WILL HAVE TWENTY SECONDS TO GET OFF YOUR PODIUMS OR THEY WILL EXPLODE, SO YOU BETTER MOVE YOU CUNTS. LET THE MINE FIELD GAMES BEGIN!"

And then the horn went off. All around the other people looked as confused as Tomtrek. But then one of them started sprinting towards the number 23. And Tomtrek realised who it was. It was Fuddlemiff. And everyone else here was a Mine Fielder too. Some he knew, some he didn't. He saw Dr_Dave, Whisky, Tisiphone and even old Mine Fielders like Laker Girl and Big Dick McGee. But he could tell they were all Mine Fielders in this together and he knew instinctively that the voice he'd just heard had been that of Filthyrecwhore.

Others started running towars the number 23 now. Tomtrek jumped off his podium and began moving himself. He stopped when he heard an explosion. Someone had stayed on their podium and it had blown up. Someone had died already. Tomtrek started running again.

As he got closer to the number 23 he noticed something hanging from it. A laptop, but that wasn't what drew Tomtrek's eyes to it. There was a photograph stuck to it. A tiny photograph, but right away Tomtrek knew what it was.

It was a photograph of Michelle Trachtenberg.

There were other items hanging from the 23; an axe, bow and arrows, knives, swords, a lightsaber, something that looked like a rubber mask...but Tomtrek knew what he was going for. That laptop was meant for him. Tomtrek had a goal now, he became single-minded, he ran faster than he'd ever run before...

Then he tripped over someone. He hit the ground hard. He stagged back to his feet and found out what he'd tripped over. It was Seph, pinning Dual down to the ground, strangling him to death.

"Alright Tomtrek, mate, how you diddling?" asked Seph.

"I'm...I'm fine," said Tomtrek, staring in disbelief as Seph took hold of Dual's head, shoved his thumbs into Dual's eyesockets, and pushed in, popping Dual's eyeballs. Tomtrek threw up.

"Eww, don't puke near me, you lamp," said Seph.

"Sorry...why did you do that?" asked Tomtrek.

"See no evil hear no evil, innit," said Seph.

"But you only blinded him..." said Tomtrek.

"Good point, better steb him in the ears too, thanks for the tip!"

"I'll...I'll just be going now," said Tomtrek, backing away.

"See you later!"

Tomtrek looked around at the chaos breaking out. He saw Gagh punching someone's face into the ground. He saw Eggs Mayonnaise sitting on the ground, tinkering with a machine with a label reading "EARTHQUAKE MACHINE" on the side. And he saw the laptop stilling hanging there, with the photo of Michelle Trachtenberg's nice face. He grabbed it, the only thing that could keep him sane in this horror. He turned to run...and banged into someone else. Was it Seph out to get him now? No, it was a woman and Tomtrek breathed a sigh of relief. It was Cassie.

"Cassie, thank God, this is crazy!" said Tomtrek. "They're killing each other, all of them. We need to talk some sense into them."

"Okay, Tomtrek...right after I CHOP YOUR COCK OFF, MOFO!" said Cassie, suddenly pointing a penis cleaver in his direction.

"No, not you too!"

"I LOVE YOU ALL AND GOODNIGHT!" said Cassie, starting to swing the cleaver...but she was stopped by a football (soccer) ball hitting her in the face. She staggered back. Tomtrek didn't stick around to find out who'd kicked it. He clutched the Trachtenberg laptop to his chest and ran. He ran past Filthy Whore swining a club at Hambil, he ran past SilentBtViolent and Ishcabittle fighting over an electric guitar. He ran into the woods...and was nearly bowled over by Eggs Mayonnaise running in the opposite direction. That was strange, the last he'd seen of Eggs he'd been sitting on the ground working on that machine. How had he managed to get into the woods so quickly and why we he running out of them now? Tomtrek didn't have time to think about it. He kept running and finally he found a tree that he could climb. He get up high and sat down on a sturdy branch, behind some leaves. Finally he could check the laptop...there was a note on the back of the photo.

"This laptop contains every Michelle Trachtenberg image known to man. All others have been deleted from the internet by the Bad Wolf Virus," it read. Tomtrek felt dizzy. Could this be true? He nearly opened the laptop, but decided not to. Not yet. He'd only look at her when he needed her the most.

He didn't know how long he'd been sat in the tree, but eventually he saw a group of people gathering not far. They hadn't seen him. He recognised, SAUSAGEMAN, Loktar...and Mirah. Nice Mirah. Surely she wouldn't kill anyone? Then Seph joined them and Tomtrek shuddered, remembering what he'd done.

But the four weren't killing each other and Tomtrek wondered if he could join them. Mirah at least would be understanding. Then he saw another girl walking towards them. Mirah talked to the girl for a moment...then slit her throat. Tomtrek gasped out loud.

It really was kill or be killed. He'd have to become a murderer to survive.

"But I can't do it," he said to himself. "All I have is this laptop..."

"AND MY AXE," said a voice. Someone else had climbed up the tree right besides Tomtrek. And they were clutching a laptop of their own as well as an axe...

It was CaptainWacky.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Dr Dave

The horn went off. Dr Dave had twenty seconds to step off his podium before it blew up. He looked around. Most of the others looked just as confused as he felt, until Fuddlemiff started running towards the 23. Dr Dave decided it would be a good idea to at least get off his podium. He started jogging towards the 23. He heard an exploson behind him. He did not look back.

He grew closer to the 23. No one had tried to kill him yet, but there was chaos all around him. He saw Cassie grab a penis cleaver, a mad glint in her eyes. He decided it would be a good idea to stay away from her. Then Headvoid caught his eye. Headvoid, armed with a knife. He stared at Dr Dave...then nodded and ran off. Dr Dave was confused. It was almost liked Headvoid was scared of him. Maybe that was the key. Strike fear into the hearts of everyone else.

He went for the biggest weapon there, a huge sword. No one would try to fight him if he had that. He grabbed hold of it then ran into the woods. He didn't want to have to kill anyone...

He tried to find a hiding place, but nothing seemed suitable. Then he heard someone else running into the woods behind him. He turned and point his huge sword...it was Eggs Mayonnaise. He took one look at the sword then sprinted away in the other direction. The plan seemed to be working. Dr Dave found a spot and settled down...

It wasn't long before Whisky and Headvoid came walking by. They both look scared by the violence they had witnessed, but seemed to have formed some kind of alliance. Dr Dave weighed up his options. Should he just wait it out or should he make some allies of his own? They were almost gone...he made his choice. He jumped out of the bushes.

"Hold up, guys," he said. They both turned round...and had looks of utter terror in their eyes.

"Holy shit it's Dr Dave, don't kill us!" said Whisky.

"What? Oh, the giant sword," said Dr Dave, realising it could be scary. "I'm not going to use it."

"Holy shit he's got a giant sword too!" said Heavoid.

"I didn't notice!" said Whisky.

"Why were you so scared of me then?" asked Dr Dave, remembering the similar reaction from Eggs.

"Because you're Dr Dave! You're a ninja detective who's killed thousands of nuns," explained Headvoid.

"You've saved Earth from the Chinaman and Dr Dace AT LEAST four times," said Whisky.

"Those are just stories Wacky wrote! They're not true!" said Dr Dave. Whisky and Headvoid looked at each other.

"Seriously?" asked Whisky.

"You mean Cat Cleaners isn't a real sitcom?" asked Headvoid.

"No, I'm pretty sure it is," said Dr Dave. "But the stories about me, they're not true. I've never killed anyone in my life."

At that moment, Archibald Nixon dived out of a tree armed with nunchucks, screaming a battle cry. Dr Dave held his massive sword up and Archibald Nixon landed on it. It went straight through him and he died instantly.

"Well, okay, I've killed one person," said Dr Dave. "He was a crazy nut."

"Tell him your theory," said Whisky.

"I have a theory!" said Heavoid. "I think everyone here has been infected by RAGE GAS. That's why they're all so angry and willing to kill. I myself am suppressing a desire to brutally stab you both to death."

"Rage gas?" scoffed Dr Dave. "There's no such thing."

"That's where you're wrong," said Headvoid, a tortured look in his eyes. "I know because...I created it."

"What the cork!" said Dr Dave.

"You didn't tell me that!" said Whisky.

"It's true," he said. "It was an advertising thing. I figured if we let off RAGE GAS in shopping malls it would cause uncontrollable violence and possibly murder. This would make it look like people were willing to kill for the products I was advertising. I won ten advertising awards for this. I feel slightly ashamed now!"

"You monster," said Dr Dave, coldly. "But yeah, that makes sense. Now what do we do?"

"We watch out for Tisiphone with a chainsaw!" said Whisky.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRR! The noise of a chainsaw chopping down trees. Tisiphone made her way towards them.

"But the question is, do I chop down the three of you as well?" asked Tisi.

"CHOP AWAY," came a voice. A voice from above. "You're all going to die anyway!" They looked up. It was Jethro Elvis. In a spacesuit. And jetpack.

"JETHRO!?" all four said.

"Chops away!" he said, then flew off.

"Damn I should have made that pun," said Whisky.

"No puns!" said Dr Dave.

"Where's he going?" asked Tisi. They watched him fly over a nearby river. Then ran after him. There was a chasm on the other side. He flew over that again...then hit a forcefield.

"A forcefield keeping us all in, I knew it!" said Dr Dave. But Jethro kept flying again it...unitl he found a hole. He flew out through it!

"A way out!?" said Headvoid.

"If we can get to it, I won't have to chop you all up into little pieces," said Tisi.

"But how!" said Dr Dave

"Ask yourself, what would the A-Team do?" said Whisky.

"Get old and bitter?" suggested Dr Dave

"Well, yeah," said Whisky. "But we have a madwoman with a chainsaw and lots of tree. Let's build oursleves a plank and walk over the chasm and river and out!"

"It's so crazy it just might work," said Headvoid. "Like that time I put cocaine in LEGO to get adults addicted."

"You bastard!" said Whisky.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
I don't want to kill anyone.

Tomtrek!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry!

I am very very very sorry
 
SAUSAGEMAN

When the buzzer went off, Sausageman stepped off his podium and took a look at the situation. He saw some of the others begin to scramble towards the weapons. He saw fights break out. He saw Seph murder Dual. Panic was breaking out, but Sausageman remained calm. He wasn't going to win by panicking. He'd play to his own strenghts. He calmly made his way over to the giant number 23. There were still several weapons hanging from it, mostly crude implements. He didn't want something as messy as the gigantic sword he saw Dr Dave grab. Sausageman found himself drawn to an ornate dagger in a decorated scabbard. It was like something Joffrey from Game Of Thrones would probably carry. Strange that it would appeal to him so...

"My wit will be my armour, my cunning my weapon," said Sausageman.

"Uhh, who are you talking to?" asked WillsZenith, who was searching for weapons nearby. Sausageman stabbed him in the neck with his dagger without a moment's hesitation.

"No one at all," he said. He put the dagger in its scabbard and walked off into the woods. He heard cries of pain from the dead and the dying behind him. He did not look back.

Eventually he came across Mirah and Loktar facing off in a clearing. He watched for a moment. He could sneak up behind them and kill them both, but why not make some allies? He could always kill them later.

"Hi," he said, stepping towards them.

"Not another step!" said Mirah, pointing a hunting knife. She also had a bow and arrows on her back. Loktar was armed with a spear.

"I'll kill you if I have to!" said Loktar, shaking his spear.

"Why kill me when we could work together and kill everyone else?" asked Sausageman.

"We've never replied to each other's posts before!" said Loktar. "Why would I trust you?"

"I think we should hear him out," said Mirah.

"We'll all die on our own, but together we are strong," said Sausageman. "With my leadership and your brute strength we'll win the Mine Field Games! And Loktar can help too!"

"And I guess we could kill Roktar together," said Loktar, thinking.

"I don't think your brother's in here..."

"I mean, when we get out!"

"Sure!"

It was then that Seph stepped into the clearing, armed with a hammer. He was covered in blood and it was not his own.

"Heard you three cunts talking, figured I'd join your little group of misshits and we can flood the land with the blood of our enemies," he said. Sausageman felt slightly uneasy now. Would he be able to manipulate and control a force of nature like Seph?

"I don't know, I've been thinking," said Sausageman, looking for an out. "This little group of ours doesn't even pass the Bechdel test." It was at that moment that a girl walked over to them.

"I'll fix that," said Mirah, turning to the girl. "Hi, what's your name?"

"Kaonashi Shinu," she said. "Have you seen GrandTheftCow anywhere, I can't find him?"

"No, we need to talk about something other than a boy," said Mirah. "Do you like my socks?"

"They're nice!" said Kaonashi.

"Thank you," said Mirah. And then she slit Kaonashi's throat with her hunting knife.

"That was cold," said Sausageman. "I like you." They heard a gasp from above.

"What was that?" asked Loktar.

"Just Tomtrek up a tree having a wank or something, want me to shake him down and beat him to death?" said Seph.

"No," said Sausageman. "He's no threat. We'll kill the more dangerous people first. We should head to that hill over there. We can get a good view of the surrounding area." He pointed to a pretty high, rocky hill in the distance.

"It's strange, I've never killed anyone before," said Mirah. "I've just been feeling ragey today."

"Me too," said Loktar.

"I feel about the same," said Seph. "The funniest part is that I actually killed GrandTheftCow with his own shoe laces a few minutes ago! Hey, Sausageman, can I have a word?"

"Sure," said Sausagman, as they started walking to the hill, Loktar and Mirah going first.

"When all this is over and it's just the four of us left...can I be the one who gets to gut Loktar like a fish?"

"I don't see why not!" said Sausageman.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
I do look forwards to slaying sligtits, even if only in story form :bailey:
 
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