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Wacky Reviews: Doctor Who

The Lazarus Experiment - Another episode I forgot to review on the day I watched it because it left literally no impact. The preview showed an old man going into a machine, coming out young, then turning into a monster. I assumed that would happen then the Doctor would defeat him. And...that's exactly what happened. With no twists or anything unexpected. There's almost no point in watching it. On the plus side, Mark Gatiss was very convincing playing a pervy old man (and a pervy old man in a younger man's body.) It's just a shame he didn't have better writing. There's a scene in a church beteen him and the Doctor that was almost good. Almost. The villain has no more depth really than "I'm old and I don't want to die and no one else matters" and the Doctor just repeats the line from School Reunion about how it sucks to get old and watch everyone you know die. Well that doesn't even apply here, does it, as Lazarus could just make everyone he knows young with his machine? Then the Doctor defeats him with sound like how Spider-Man beat Venom. The monster looks like something out of an N64 game. Why would a machine that makes you young turn you into a CGI scropion with an unconvincing human face stretched over it? He should have turned into a giant killer baby or something.

The other positive thing is that Martha is used better here and I don't know why Freema Agyeman gets criticised because I think all her acting is good here. But maybe that's only compared to her family, who are pretty terrible. Her sister is okay but bland. Her brother has negative charisma. I think he was an early prototype for the Silence, because I forget him as soon as he disappears from screen. And her mother? Fuck. She hates the Doctor instantly for no apparent reason (even before the greasy guy is whispering about Harold Saxon in her ear ON IT'S THE STORY ARC.) She slaps the Doctor after he saves everyone's life and blames him for what's happened. Instead of blaming, you know, the big scorpion monster that just killed peoplle. I know Jackie was annoying sometimes but at least she felt like a real person.

SCORE: 5/10
 
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42 - This episode starts with the TARDIS instantly being locked behind a door and there's a bunch of sweaty characters (Some Woman From Eastenders, who's actualyl quite good here really, included) on a spaceship hurtling towars the sun and we quickly discover one of them possessed by an alien entity. It's quite a bit like the Satan two-parter but without the most interesting parts of that. We're told that there's 42 minutes before the ship hits the sun. There's about 42 minutes left in the episode at this point. Is it going to be in real time? Well, no, about five minutes later there's 32 minutes until they hit the sun. There's nothing more annoying than when a tv episode seems like it's going to be in real time but then it's not. NOTHING.

The episode isn't actually bad though. The ship looks pretty good and the sun effects are nice. The episode moves along at a good pace. Well, at first anyway. By the end I was tired of all the running and opening of doors. Still, the plot's fine (turns out the sun WAS ALIVE and the captain is at fault for not doing the standard "check to see if the sun's alive" scans) and Martha is useful again and well acted by Freema and holy shit she's gorgeous just had to put that in. Her mum appears again to be all "you're playing pub quiz games with that Doctor aren't you! You weren't like that before you met him!" She kisses a guy at the end and that must have been nice (for the guy!) Even though they're falling into a sun the ship doesn't get hotter because they're "venting the heat" into one room. Does that make sense? Proably not.

The episode never goes above "watchable" and on the whole doesn't leave much of an impression. But it was a step up from the previous one at least.

SCORE: 6.5/10
 
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Human Nature - This is a great episode. The plot is great, it looks great (maybe because of bright countryside contrasted with the alien threat and coming horror of war) and there's a strong guest cast with Jessica Hynes, Boy from Game Of Thrones who looks younger than he is and Harry Llloyd who's just creepy as a normal person let alone as an alien. And it's good to have original villains (YEAH I KNOW THE STORY WAS ORIGINALLY A SEVENTH DOCTOR NOVEL THANKS FOR TELLING ME) who are creepy as green light, scarecrows or possessed humans. Martha is used well here (really she's just as good a character as Clara) and even though I don't care for the "she's in love with the Doctor and sad he never notices her!" thing you can't blame the episode for that since it's an established part of her character. Tennant is good at playng a human. Well, he would be. Being a human. The episode feels more serious and important than the rest of this series (while still being fun in its way) and that's a good thing!

There's less to say about the good episodes, isn't there?

SCORE: 9.5/10
 
Trivia point, the young weird looking boy who gets the watch does the voice of Ferb, in Phinues and Ferb.
 
The Family Of Blood - The second part does not disappoint. I like how John Smith doesn't want to die and is scared of becoming the Doctor again, given how terrifying the Doctor seems to him. I like any episode that really emphasises the alienness of the Doctor and this does it in a big way. And that sequence with him punishing the Family gave me chills (it is cold today but I think it was the sequence. Also earlier in the episode the headmaster says something like "I will devise excellent and eternal ways to punish you!" to the school children which I thought was clever foreshadowing. Or maybe it was just a coincidence.) The scenes with the matron are great too, especially the final "would anyone have died if you hadn't come here?" scene. Because really if the Doctor had just went to a desert island or somewhere for three months everything would have been fine! Martha is very good here again and Jojen Reed and Viserys give different and strong performances (and the girl from Fear Her should watch the little girl with the red balloon.) I think the first time I watched it I found the ending scene kind of jarring but maybe I was in a weird mood then because it worked perfectly when I watched it again.

SCORE: 9.5/10
 
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Blink - The last "Doctor Light" episode we got was 'Love And Monsters'. To say that this is an improvement would be an understatement of epic proportions. Sally Sparrow (excellent name) is the star here and Carey Mulligan instantly becomes my favourite guest star to appear so far, beating even Anthony Stewart Head (and that's not easy!) with her perfect performance. She's such a good character that this episode has the feel of a backdoor pilot for a Sally Sparrow show. But even though this is Doctor Light episode, the actual use of the Doctor here is perfect too and Tennant is EXCELLENT playing the Doctor on a tv screen (which funnily enough he did in the previous story too.) I think because it forces him to be less over the top? Whatever it is it works. And we also get the machine that goes "ding" and the first "wibbily-wobbily, timey-wimey" line (and yeah I probably think it's been used too much in later episodes sorry)! Martha...okay she only has a couple of lines but it would have been hard to give her something great to do in an episode in which she hardly appears. The part where Sally and Larry go to the house at the end and the plot starts to make sense is amazing and I don't think Moffat's ever been that good again with his clever time travel plots. And then there's the angels, the best new monster to be introduced in the revived series. Then it's topped off with the final "don't blink" voiceover over shots of statues, designed to leave children terrified of statues for years to come. Brilliant.

(I even like the cheeky background music during the lighthearted Sally scenes like when she talks to the police guy for the first time okay.)

Can an episode without much Doctor actually be one of the best episodes of Doctor Who? Well, yeah, clearly it can. It has the feeling I want from a Doctor Who episode. I can't fault it on any level.

SCORE: 10/10
 
Utopia - This is another good episode. Kind of. It starts off with Captain Jack hanging onto the outside of the TARDIS, which is such a Captain Jack thing to do. They end up in the year one hundred trillion trillion or something insane like that. Nobody's ever gone that far before, the Doctor says. I quite like the set-up and atmosphere. I like the idea of humans in a big rocket trying to escape the end of the universe. The fact that they're still recognisable humans this far in the future...the Doctor explains it but I don't know. I would have liked to have seen some people in robot bodies. Anyway, there's an old Professor played by Derek Jacobi and he's great playing the forgetful but likable old sod. His assistant is an alien who starts every sentence with "chan" and ends it with "tho"...but somehow she's still adorable. The make-up is good and the actress does a good job. The scene where she giggles with Martha is nice. Jack is flirting with everyone and the Doctor keeps saying "stop it" and it's quite funny. Then the Doctor explains to Jack why he ran away from him and it's a good scene. Not so good is Martha pulling faces every time someone say ssomething nice about Rose. Also not so good is the enemy the "futurekind" who are just humans with pointy teeth who hiss a lot. But then a woman melts in her spacesuit and it's quite surprising and the Doctor saves the day and the humans are going to Utopia WHATEVER THAT MEANS...when it turns out the Professor has a fob watch like the Doctor did in Human Nature. Then Derek Jacobi who was brilliant as the professor is even better as The Master...for about five minutes. He kills Chantho but then she gets her revenge and kills him back. If someone had to kill him I do like that it was her as she manages to make more of an impression than most minor characters...but it means he regenerates into John Simm. And says "bye-bye now!" in an annoying voice. And I get that they wanted the Master to be a dark mirror of the Doctor so they cast someone about the same age who can play wacky evil...but...then also I can't really complain YET because we only see him for a minute and he's not THAT bad in this mirror but I know what's coming up...but I also want to review these episodes episode by episode rather than saying "this episode is bad becuae it leads to bad things!"...but also this episode itself doesn't really tell a full story and the Futurekind are really dumb so it's not like it's a great episode on its own...let's just call it good.

SCORE: 7.5/10
 
Still, Mr Kalashinikov must be happy to know that after trillions of years the guns he made in 1947 are still being used.
 
I remember being disappointed with how they did that episode. The heat death (I assume) of the universe is a brilliant concept to explore, but it was done in quite an unimaginative way. Maybe the rocket was going back in time to the beginning of the universe, like how people escaped a screwed up earth in the tv show Terra Nova by going back to a time when it was inhabited by giant carnivores. But without the giant carnivores because that would be an idiotic time period to seek refuge in, of course.

But it was disappointing that they were just big standard humans in big standard clothes with chain link fences and cars and guns and stuff. If the budget couldn't stretch to robots or extra arms then they could've at least had evolved mental powers. Telepathy or empathy or telekenesis don't cost much to show. Or they could've all been genetically superior hotties.
 
The Sound Of Drums - I just don't like John Simm as The Master much. Not in a "I'm Wacky and I hate everything way" not in a "Tomtrek hates him so I better hate him too because he knows more about Doctor Who than me" way or a "Derek Jacobi was better in every way" way (though that one is true) I just don't like him. I can see what they were going for, I guess. He's supposed to be over the top crazy but scary because you don't know what he'll do next. But he's not scary. There's no menace. He just grins a lot. Some parts he's better than others but at no point does he come across as a great villain. Compare him to the guy who plays Moriarty on Sherlock for EXAMPLE. He's similarly crazy and wacky at times but he's actually scary.

I do like the idea of him having an evil corrputed companion in his wife Lucy. That angle isn't really explored much here though.

The episode has yet another "I know this person is evil but I'm going to go to them (or someone close to them) first instead of the police then get murdered!" scene. They're pretty bad. At least she had an email sent to Torchwood in the event of her death. But why not just go to Torchwood first?

We skip the part where Saxon gets elected (and the part where he manages to get his signal in all the phones somehow) and it's just "oh it's a signal in the phones that did it."

There's the celebrities appearing scene because it's a finale and we get Sharon Osbourne (urgh), some boy band I can't identify (seriously they could be literally anyone) and Anne Widdecombe (which is actually kind of funny at least.)

Remember that episode of Angel where Fred was on the run from Jasmine? This episode is a bit like that but not as good. Remember when all the people (even like babies and stuff) were speaking with Jasmine's voice and chasing her? There's nothing that good there. There's Martha's family who I don't care about (her brother is such a poor actor that he just has one brief scene then is forgotten) getting kidnapped and stuff and Martha's angry and it's not really one of Freema's strengths I guess. Jack's still there but doesn't do much.

Then there's a song and the Doctor turns into an old man and six hundred million people die and Martha is COMING BACK for him and none of this matters because there will obviously be a reset button.

SCORE: 6/10
 
Martha's brother was a radio one extra DJ, luckily for us, after accepting a role on the show his radio commitments prevented him from appearing more often.
 
Oh, I recognised the name "Reggie Yates" in the credits but thought he'd played himself in the bit with Sharon Osbourne or something.
 
The Last Of The Time Lords - This fucking episode! This fucking episode where the Doctor gets turned into Dobby because "that's what Time Lords look like when they don't regenerate" (wouldn't he just die of old age?) This fucking episode where they jump forward a year to show Martha travelling the world telling everyone how great the Doctor is (well, she tells a few people in a house. And they all believe her instead of saying "IF THIS DOCTOR'S SO FUCKING GREAT, HOW COME SIX HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE DIED?") This fucking episode where the Master's about to shoot her, then Tom runs out with a gun going "AAAAAAARGH!" instead of just shooting the Master from the window or something (was this part of the plan or was Tom just really thick?) then the Master decides to delay killing Martha for a while longer. This FUCKING EPISODE where everyone in the world says they believe in fairies/The Doctor at the same time and this means he de-ages and can fly and can use the Force to disarm the Master. This fucking episode where Jack shoots the "paradox machine" with a gun and OF COURSE that reverses time (that was lucky!) and puts everything back to how it was (except the president of the US is still dead...even though that happened after the Toclafane first showed up as would surely be a paradox.) THIS FUCKING EPISODE WITH THE REALLY LOUD MUSIC SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS THE DOCTOR IS A LOT LIKE JESUS YEAH.

The scene where the Toclafane are revealed could have been good. It is still quite disturbing to think of the horror the last humans went through before being turned into flying death machines. It's just a shame it doens't really make sense? Why does regressing to a childlike state make them evil? Children are evil and will commit mass murdered if you ask them nicely?

Lucy Saxon kills the Master becaue he's been hitting her, which is fine, but we barely get any hints of their relationship beyond her having a few bruises and shaking a bit (funny how she was all turned on by the Toclafane murdering people in the previous episode.)

The Doctor forgets to check the Master for EVIL RINGS before giving him a Darth Vader funeral that he doesn't deserve. How did evil prison governor (that's what she ended up being, right?) know the Master was being burned and where? Ah, who cares.

Martha leaves because she's in love with the Doctor but he'll never love her back in that way. Fine, that's been her character arc I guess. It seems like a waste after just one series, like they're just giving up on the character instead of writing some better material for her.

And Jack isn't the Face of Bo that's stupid.

SCORE: 4/10

I wish RTD had listened to this advice (or maybe he did then said "NAH I'M PERFECT.")

[video=youtube_share;79XAEN9gAx0]http://youtu.be/79XAEN9gAx0[/video]

We could have had an episode where the Doctor has a rash on his bum!
 
CaptainWacky said:
This fucking episode where the Doctor gets turned into Dobby because "that's what Time Lords look like when they don't regenerate" (wouldn't he just die of old age?)
Click to expand...

See it's annoying because the show already established "what Time Lords look like when they don't regenerate" with The Master way back in 1976 in The Deadly Assassin, where he gets to the end of his final regeneration and turns into a creepy skeleton thing which only slightly looks like it's made out of papier-mâché.

10331.imgcache.jpg


Having The Doctor turn into something like that would not only look better (because anything looks better than that fucking CGI) but would also make a nice mirror to The Deadly Assassin.


Don't forget to watch Time Crash!

[video=youtube;szuP0oBZX4g]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szuP0oBZX4g[/video]
 
I won't review it because probably too short to review, but it is a lovely little minisode and I like the genuine warmth between the two of them. I could probably used it in my "John Hurt was kind of unneeded" argument actually BUT I WON'T (and I'm not really commited to that argument.)
 
OH another thing, the Toclafane end up trapped at the end of the time in a living Hell but the Doctor doesn't give a fuck? Should he go and save them/put them out of their misery?
 
Voyage Of The Damned - I think this is where RTD's ego got so completely out of control that it probably wiped out several small countries. Like Doctor Jesus was definitely the start of it, but after that he thought "I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT" so he went to the BBC and said "GIVE ME 75 MINUTES, KYLIE AND A SCRIPT THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE, HAHAHA, I'M RTFD (Russell T Fucking Davies) THE SAVRIOUR OF DOCTOR WHO AND YOU CAN'T SAY NO TO ME."

Or maybe he just thought it was a fun bit of fluff for Christmas day who knows.

It's really bad and really long. It's the same length as The Day Of The Doctor! It's a bit like the Poseidon Adventure but not really because The Poseidon Adventure is entertaining. There's these aliens, right, who look and act exactly like humans. You think at first maybe they're humans in the far future who have built a flying Titanic, but no, they're aliens in the present day (so that the episode can take place on Christmas day.) There's a line where they mention something about "experiencing the human condition" that made me think maybe they're just acting exactly like humans in every way as part of the experience of being on the Titanic. But no, even when things go to shit they still act exaclty like humans. The old guy from Keeping Up Appearances comically gets things wrong about human history even though they're an advanced civilisation who could surely easily access the Earth's internet (they even beam down to Earth at one point so that Bernard Cribbins can make his first appearance.)

There's Fat People whose whole character is that they're fat and BUSINESS BASTARD makes fun of them for being fat and says they'll die of fatnes...and he's right as the guy dies because he's fat and the woman needlessly sacrifices herself using her fatness to kill a robot they could have easily found another way to kill. There's a fucking annoying red-robot-midget shit who talks about himself in the third person and he's some kind of gay right allergory somehow and THIS is where RTD's reputation for terrible gay references comes from. There's Kyle who isn't a very good actress. Everyone dies except Business Bastard (who had a phone all along that he could have used to call for help), Russell Tovey (and his fucking ears) and Mister Bucket who decides to live on Earth as a millionaire...

Max Capricorn (the villain) is almost entertaining just because he's so over the top but even he's shit really. You see he can turn the engines off AT ANY TIME but waited until the Doctor reached him because...he thought this was an entertaining epiosde? The Doctor walks in slow motion in front of explosion as people die in a kind of preview of the much better Waters Of Mars episode. Kylie turns into atoms somehow.

Early in the episode the fat woman say she spent five thousand credits on winning the ticket on the Titanic and the fat husband says it would take TWENTY YEARS to pay off that debt. We later find out that one million pounds is eqaul to fifty million credits. So five thousand credits would be one hundred pounds. It would take him twenty years to pay off one hundred pounds.

IT'S SHIT OKAY.

SCORE: 2/10
 
It's amazing that there's so much bad stuff in this episode that I forgot to mention the Queen waving to the Doctor.
 
I like it, I mean if Moffat had wrote it everyone would have probably lived, and Kylie would be the most important woman in all of time.

Or the Doctors mum.
 
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