Colonel Kira's Left Tit
Bearded Belly of Bajor
That one makes me want to drill holes in my head, but it's still not as awful as "And The Children Shall Lead".
Troll Kingdom
This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!
Wacky Reviews: Star Trek
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
The Tholian Web - The Enterprise finds the missing starship Defiant (not Sisko's!) adrift in space but also trapped in some kind of spatial distortion. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Chekov wear cool spacesuits (with nametags on their chins!) when they beam over and find the crew dead from an apparent mutiny. Things get really weird when McCoy finds a body which his hand passes right through! When Scotty attempts to beam Kirk over, the Defiant disappears and Kirk is seemingly lost. Chekov goes space mad and it's ALWAYS Chekov who goes mad first. It was just two weeks ago that he went space racist before everyone else. Is it because he sucks? McCoy says it must be an infection from the Defiant that made Chekov go mad and suggests moving the Enterprise away. Spock wants to stay for the next "interphase" to rescue Kirk. Just to make things more complicated, some weird aliens called the Tholians show up and want the Enterprise to leave. They give the Enterprise one hour and fifty three minutes and it's nice to see aliens being kind of reasonable! More people go space mad and McCoy wants Spock to leave the area of space. It's an interesting reversal that Spock's the one who wants to stay behind to rescue Kirk but McCoy wants to leave for the safety of the rest of the crew. The Tholians attack right on schedule and McCoy starts shouting at Spock on the Bridge like he always does when Spock's in command. The Tholians beginning knitting some kind of WEB around the Enterprise...
Spock tells the crew they have to accept that Kirk is no longer alive and a crewmember instantly goes space mad. It's funny. McCoy tries to make Spock feel bad for trying to save Kirk and getting them trapped in the Tholian web. McCoy insists they watch a tape Kirk left for them, then starts saying "WELL I HAVE TO LEAVE TO COME UP WITH AN ANTIDOTE" and holy shit McCoy's an asshole sometimes. In the tape Kirk tells both Spock and McCoy that they need each other and only by working together will Spock be a good Captain. It's a nice moment but doesn't quite justify how McCoy's been written up until now (I suppose you could say he has a mild case of space madness but that's being overly generous.) Uhura sees Kirk's ghost floating in her mirror. When she tells McCoy he just instantly assumes she's gone space mad, even though he saw the out of phase dead crewman on the Defiant. Everyone else sees Kirk too and McCoy unstraps Uhura and finds an antidote. He shares a drink of it with Spock and Scotty. The Enterprise goes into interspace and when they come out they've been thrown out of the Tholian web "using ship's power"...somehow. It feels a bit random. Kirk is rescued and Spock and McCoy pretend that they got along fine and didn't watch his final tape.
It's a good episode by season three standards, but there are problems. I don't like how McCoy just instantly starts acting like Spock is the worst commander ever as soon as he takes command. It's happened several times before and you'd think by now he'd have learned that Spock is actually to be trusted. The "space madness" thing is becoming another TOS cliche and the Tholians don't actually do anything outside of spinning their web. ON THE OTHER HAND it's good seeing Spock in command again, there's some nice moments with him and McCoy and it's good to have a season three episode with some heart and a decent science fiction plot. The Tholian web is a cool concept and Shatner's been phoning it in lately so it's kind of good to have a break from him.
EDIT: I think I was in a bad mood when I watched this and maybe underrated it who knows.
SCORE: 7.5/10
Spock tells the crew they have to accept that Kirk is no longer alive and a crewmember instantly goes space mad. It's funny. McCoy tries to make Spock feel bad for trying to save Kirk and getting them trapped in the Tholian web. McCoy insists they watch a tape Kirk left for them, then starts saying "WELL I HAVE TO LEAVE TO COME UP WITH AN ANTIDOTE" and holy shit McCoy's an asshole sometimes. In the tape Kirk tells both Spock and McCoy that they need each other and only by working together will Spock be a good Captain. It's a nice moment but doesn't quite justify how McCoy's been written up until now (I suppose you could say he has a mild case of space madness but that's being overly generous.) Uhura sees Kirk's ghost floating in her mirror. When she tells McCoy he just instantly assumes she's gone space mad, even though he saw the out of phase dead crewman on the Defiant. Everyone else sees Kirk too and McCoy unstraps Uhura and finds an antidote. He shares a drink of it with Spock and Scotty. The Enterprise goes into interspace and when they come out they've been thrown out of the Tholian web "using ship's power"...somehow. It feels a bit random. Kirk is rescued and Spock and McCoy pretend that they got along fine and didn't watch his final tape.
It's a good episode by season three standards, but there are problems. I don't like how McCoy just instantly starts acting like Spock is the worst commander ever as soon as he takes command. It's happened several times before and you'd think by now he'd have learned that Spock is actually to be trusted. The "space madness" thing is becoming another TOS cliche and the Tholians don't actually do anything outside of spinning their web. ON THE OTHER HAND it's good seeing Spock in command again, there's some nice moments with him and McCoy and it's good to have a season three episode with some heart and a decent science fiction plot. The Tholian web is a cool concept and Shatner's been phoning it in lately so it's kind of good to have a break from him.
EDIT: I think I was in a bad mood when I watched this and maybe underrated it who knows.
SCORE: 7.5/10
Last edited:
whisky
Boobie inspector
I used to love this episode as a kid, the web was one of the better effects in the original series.
Also this was how they were going to get Shatner into enterprise in the mirror universe episode, the rescue Tom Rikered him into a duplicate that stayed with the defiant, but then he wanted too much money and they wrote him out.
Also this was how they were going to get Shatner into enterprise in the mirror universe episode, the rescue Tom Rikered him into a duplicate that stayed with the defiant, but then he wanted too much money and they wrote him out.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Plato's Stepchildren - Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam down to a planet and meet a midget named Alexander. He quickly explains that it's Greek in space this time. They have crazy mental powers and are dicks. They haven't needed a doctor in many years due to their eugenics program. Spock disses a woman who stopped aging at thirty by saying she looks thirty five. McCoy saves their leader's life. There's a nice bit where Kirk tells Alexander that in the Federation his size and shape wouldn't matter. Scotty reports that the Enterprise has been frozen. The lader makes Kirk slap himself when he asks what's going on. They want McCoy to stay and are going to keep him no matter what. They make Kirk and Spock do a dance and sing for their amusment. They keep torturing Kirk but McCoy refuses to give in. They make Spock dance around Kirk's face and laugh. It's quite disturbing! This goes on a long time until they make Alexander ride Kirk around like a horse. With Shatner neighing.
Spock goes a bit nuts trying to master his hatred and pain. Alexander wants to go and cut the Platonians but Kirk talks him out of it. They work out that the Platonians get their power from the native food. They try to give themselves the power but Alexander refuses it. Uhura and Chapel are beamed down against their will. We get more torture scenes as Spock is made to sing to Uhura and Chapel (sadly he doesn't sing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.") They force Spock and Chapel to kiss then do the same to Kirk and Uhura. It's tv's first inter-racial kiss! The Platonian woman finds it hot. They try to make Alexander stab himself but Kirk develops powers in time to stop him. Kirk and the leader have a "who can control the midget" fight which Kirk wins. The leader pretends he's going to change but Kirk and Spock rightly point out that he's obviously lying and promise that starships will visit their planet to make sure nothing evil happens. Alexander gets to leave the planet at least (Kirk promise's Scotty a "little surprise" because we always need a joke ending!)
This is an episode that a lot of people hate, some calling it the worst episode of the entire series, due to the torture aspect. I can kind of see why as the torture scenes all go on a bit too long. Then again, they're supposed to be disturbing and maybe making them so long was the only way to get the point across? But Kirk neighing like a horse isn't something that's fun to watch. But there is good stuff in the episode! Alexander is a good character and well played by the actor. Shatner gives a decent performance this time and gets to make a good Kirk speech. The part where Spock is recovering from the torture is good. So I don't think it's a bad episode really?
SCORE: 7/10
Spock goes a bit nuts trying to master his hatred and pain. Alexander wants to go and cut the Platonians but Kirk talks him out of it. They work out that the Platonians get their power from the native food. They try to give themselves the power but Alexander refuses it. Uhura and Chapel are beamed down against their will. We get more torture scenes as Spock is made to sing to Uhura and Chapel (sadly he doesn't sing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.") They force Spock and Chapel to kiss then do the same to Kirk and Uhura. It's tv's first inter-racial kiss! The Platonian woman finds it hot. They try to make Alexander stab himself but Kirk develops powers in time to stop him. Kirk and the leader have a "who can control the midget" fight which Kirk wins. The leader pretends he's going to change but Kirk and Spock rightly point out that he's obviously lying and promise that starships will visit their planet to make sure nothing evil happens. Alexander gets to leave the planet at least (Kirk promise's Scotty a "little surprise" because we always need a joke ending!)
This is an episode that a lot of people hate, some calling it the worst episode of the entire series, due to the torture aspect. I can kind of see why as the torture scenes all go on a bit too long. Then again, they're supposed to be disturbing and maybe making them so long was the only way to get the point across? But Kirk neighing like a horse isn't something that's fun to watch. But there is good stuff in the episode! Alexander is a good character and well played by the actor. Shatner gives a decent performance this time and gets to make a good Kirk speech. The part where Spock is recovering from the torture is good. So I don't think it's a bad episode really?
SCORE: 7/10
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Wink of an Eye - The Enterprise responds to a distress call but finds an empty planet. A redshirt disappears after McCoy hears a high pitched buzzing. Back on the Enterprise, Kirk hears the buzzing too and strange things start happening. There seem to be INVISIBLE ALIENS onboard and they build some kind of machine. Kirk gets a coffee from a Yeoman so they're still a thing! When he takes a drink of it, everything starts slowing down until they're frozen and it's just Kirk and a sexy alien lady (Deela) still moving! She explains that she and Kirk have been accelerated (they're living super fast) and now she wants to shag him. Seems reasonable. He tries to shoot her with a phaser but she easily avoids it becasue she's so fast. The redshirt who disappeared earlier reveals that he's working for the aliens now after he met a sexy alien girl of his own. Kirk beats him up. He dies because of technobabble. Meanwhile from Spock's point of view Kirk has disappeared and he analyses the coffee. Scotty's the one panicking at Spock this time instead of McCoy, which makes a change.
We see that Spock is in a totally different room from Kirk's point of view now, which doesn't really make sense unless Kirk's been accelerated for days and we skipped forward. We should be seeing Spock moving really slow in the background if he's able to get to another room, not frozenin place. Deela explains that they need alien men to keep their species going. Spock works out what's going on while Kirk resorts to his default tactic of seducing the hot alien woman. Spock plays the tape of the alien distress call on fast forward and finds it makes the same buzzing sound and finds a tape Kirk left for him. There's the famous shot of Kirk pulling his boots on while Deela brushes her hair, suggesting they've just had sex. I think it's the only time we know for sure Kirk actually had sex with the alien lady of the week. Kirk pretends be her mindless love slave. Spock finds a way to accelerate himself and Kirk breaks free (we see Scotty still frozen in place in the transporter room, even though Spock and McCoy have been moving about since he was sent there.) The aliens are sent away, believing the Enterprise to be frozen, but the antidote works on Kirk. Spock stays super fast so he can repair the ship super fast, which is a clever and fun ending!
So the obvious problem with this episode is that it makes no fucking sense. Kirk and Deela are supposed to be moving super fast, to the point where it looks like everyone else is completely frozen in place. And yet Spock and the others manage to move all about the ship while this is happening and foil the alien plans. Decades should have passed for Kirk in the time it took Spock to do everything he does! And yet I still like the episode! It's great to have one that isn't just some aliens that act like an ancient Earth culture! It's great to have a new science fiction concept explored, even if it doesn't actually make much sense!
SCORE: 7.5/10
We see that Spock is in a totally different room from Kirk's point of view now, which doesn't really make sense unless Kirk's been accelerated for days and we skipped forward. We should be seeing Spock moving really slow in the background if he's able to get to another room, not frozenin place. Deela explains that they need alien men to keep their species going. Spock works out what's going on while Kirk resorts to his default tactic of seducing the hot alien woman. Spock plays the tape of the alien distress call on fast forward and finds it makes the same buzzing sound and finds a tape Kirk left for him. There's the famous shot of Kirk pulling his boots on while Deela brushes her hair, suggesting they've just had sex. I think it's the only time we know for sure Kirk actually had sex with the alien lady of the week. Kirk pretends be her mindless love slave. Spock finds a way to accelerate himself and Kirk breaks free (we see Scotty still frozen in place in the transporter room, even though Spock and McCoy have been moving about since he was sent there.) The aliens are sent away, believing the Enterprise to be frozen, but the antidote works on Kirk. Spock stays super fast so he can repair the ship super fast, which is a clever and fun ending!
So the obvious problem with this episode is that it makes no fucking sense. Kirk and Deela are supposed to be moving super fast, to the point where it looks like everyone else is completely frozen in place. And yet Spock and the others manage to move all about the ship while this is happening and foil the alien plans. Decades should have passed for Kirk in the time it took Spock to do everything he does! And yet I still like the episode! It's great to have one that isn't just some aliens that act like an ancient Earth culture! It's great to have a new science fiction concept explored, even if it doesn't actually make much sense!
SCORE: 7.5/10
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
The Empath - The Enterprise finds an empty research station and finds a log take of bible quoting scientists who disappear. After a werid buzzing noise (yep, just like the previous ep!), Kirk, Spock and McCoy disappear too. They find themselves in an empty room (saves on the budget) with a woman who can't speak. Or act. Two aliens who look like cheaper versions of the Talosians are observing them. They torture our heroes and the alien woman takes their wounds on her own body. Like stigmata. They find the experimented on scientists in tubes or something (I've stopped paying attention, it's pretty boring.) The aliens pretend to let the trio escape so Shatner can do some slow motion bad acting. The aliens crucify Kirk. The mute woman and Shatner have a bad acting contest. She takes his wounds again. McCoy concludes that she's an empath. The aliens tell Kirk he must choose which of his men they experiment on. The mute woman keeps giving blank looks to everything and it's annoying.
Finally something entertaining happens when McCoy knocks out Spock so that he (McCoy) will be the one experimented on. Kirk and Spock try to save him but find that he's dying. The aliens want to see if the mute woman will save McCoy by choice. They're judging if her planet deserves to be saved. Or something. They praise humans for being so caring and nice and when Gem (they started calling her Gem at some point) starts healing McCoy they say she's learned from humans. Even though she healed Kirk right at the start before learning anything. She does some terrible acting and doesn't totally heal McCoy because it would mean killing herself (I guess?) Kirk and Spock randomly realise that if they suppress their emotions they can escape the forcefield(!?) and Kirk persuades the aliens to heal McCoy. The aliens fly away with Gem. Or something. It's over, I don't care.
As you may have noticed, I really struggled to get through this episode. The acting was terrible from the guest lady and at times Shatner. It was really boring. And the music was annoyingly overbearing and repetitive. It kept trying to tell us how great Gem is while she just kept making the save exaggerated faces. There was kind of a decent story in there but it was so poorly told that I just wanted it to end.
SCORE: 3/10
Finally something entertaining happens when McCoy knocks out Spock so that he (McCoy) will be the one experimented on. Kirk and Spock try to save him but find that he's dying. The aliens want to see if the mute woman will save McCoy by choice. They're judging if her planet deserves to be saved. Or something. They praise humans for being so caring and nice and when Gem (they started calling her Gem at some point) starts healing McCoy they say she's learned from humans. Even though she healed Kirk right at the start before learning anything. She does some terrible acting and doesn't totally heal McCoy because it would mean killing herself (I guess?) Kirk and Spock randomly realise that if they suppress their emotions they can escape the forcefield(!?) and Kirk persuades the aliens to heal McCoy. The aliens fly away with Gem. Or something. It's over, I don't care.
As you may have noticed, I really struggled to get through this episode. The acting was terrible from the guest lady and at times Shatner. It was really boring. And the music was annoyingly overbearing and repetitive. It kept trying to tell us how great Gem is while she just kept making the save exaggerated faces. There was kind of a decent story in there but it was so poorly told that I just wanted it to end.
SCORE: 3/10
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Elaan of Troyius - A green alien from Troyius! Some men in skirts from Elias! And a hated and feared hot woman who they call "the Dohlman"! She's moody and nasty. She's marrying someone or something. Does anyone care about the details? We all know Kirk's going to shag her soon and that's why she's here. She has Uhura's room to stay in but she doesn't like it and throws things around. Kirk tells her off. She's mean to Scotty. Kirk tells her off again. She stabs the green ambassador guy. Kirk decides to teach her how to be a proper housewive and not stab people. She again protests that she doesn't want to be forced into marriage with an alien man she doesn't love which is, you know, a pretty fair argument from her. She slaps Kirk and he slaps her back.
Kirk tells Spock, AND I QUOTE "The women on your planet are logical. That's the only planet in the galaxy that can make such a claim." Then threatens to spank Elaan. Why didn't Star Trek get called out on being sexist shit more often? She feels bad that people hate her and starts crying. TURNS OUT HER TEARS ARE A LOVE POTION. Some Klingons show up and one of Elaan's guards is in league with them. She tries to seduce Kirk and he's into it now because of her magic love tears. McCoy tells him it's a SUPER LOVE POTION that never wears off. The engines have been rigged to blow up if the Enterprise goes to warp because the Klingons don't want to openly attack the Enterprise. That's quite clever!
Elaan tells Kirk she loves him and at this point I can't tell if she's supposed to mean it or not? Scotty says "garbage scow" and reminds us of better times. Elaan accepts a necklace from green guy after refusing it a few times and maybe this is supposed to be character devlopment. The Enterprise is fucked without warp drive as the Klingons attack them (I guess they don't care about risking war now.) Luckily it turns out her necklace is made of Dilithium crystals and nobody knew until now! The battle with the Klingons goes on quite a while and they're trying to make it all tactical and tense and it just isn't working for me. The Enterprise eventually beats the Klingons with surprise use of the warp drive.
With the day saved (I guess?) it's time for Elaan to go and marry a man against her will. Spock tells McCoy that Kirk found his own cure, love for the Enteprise. THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. They said there was no cure. Just saying "he was in love with a spacehsip!" again doesn't explain it.
Umm, this episode is pretty bad. It's sexist as fuck, obviously! But it's not really that entertaining either. Okay, Kirk slapping a woman and threatening to spank her is probably something some people find fun. The Klingon fight goes on too long. They never go into the fact that Elaan doesn't actually want to marry the alien she's marrying. Kirk does say at one point that she could give up her position if she doesn't want to do it but that's it. I wouldn't put it down there with the worst of season three since at least stuff happens in it and Shatner isn't sleepwalking his way through it like some weeks but it's not good.
SCORE: 5/10
Kirk tells Spock, AND I QUOTE "The women on your planet are logical. That's the only planet in the galaxy that can make such a claim." Then threatens to spank Elaan. Why didn't Star Trek get called out on being sexist shit more often? She feels bad that people hate her and starts crying. TURNS OUT HER TEARS ARE A LOVE POTION. Some Klingons show up and one of Elaan's guards is in league with them. She tries to seduce Kirk and he's into it now because of her magic love tears. McCoy tells him it's a SUPER LOVE POTION that never wears off. The engines have been rigged to blow up if the Enterprise goes to warp because the Klingons don't want to openly attack the Enterprise. That's quite clever!
Elaan tells Kirk she loves him and at this point I can't tell if she's supposed to mean it or not? Scotty says "garbage scow" and reminds us of better times. Elaan accepts a necklace from green guy after refusing it a few times and maybe this is supposed to be character devlopment. The Enterprise is fucked without warp drive as the Klingons attack them (I guess they don't care about risking war now.) Luckily it turns out her necklace is made of Dilithium crystals and nobody knew until now! The battle with the Klingons goes on quite a while and they're trying to make it all tactical and tense and it just isn't working for me. The Enterprise eventually beats the Klingons with surprise use of the warp drive.
With the day saved (I guess?) it's time for Elaan to go and marry a man against her will. Spock tells McCoy that Kirk found his own cure, love for the Enteprise. THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. They said there was no cure. Just saying "he was in love with a spacehsip!" again doesn't explain it.
Umm, this episode is pretty bad. It's sexist as fuck, obviously! But it's not really that entertaining either. Okay, Kirk slapping a woman and threatening to spank her is probably something some people find fun. The Klingon fight goes on too long. They never go into the fact that Elaan doesn't actually want to marry the alien she's marrying. Kirk does say at one point that she could give up her position if she doesn't want to do it but that's it. I wouldn't put it down there with the worst of season three since at least stuff happens in it and Shatner isn't sleepwalking his way through it like some weeks but it's not good.
SCORE: 5/10
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Whom Gods Destroy - The Enteprise is delivering a new medicine that will eliminate mental illness to a planet for the criminally insane. The planet houses Garth of Izar, a former Federation Fleet Captain. And an Orion woman (there's also a Tellerite and an Andorian so they're making good use of the old costumes) named Marta, who warns Kirk that the prison governor isn't who he appears to be. Turns out she's telling the truth as Garth has shapeshifted into the governor (somehow!) and takes Kirk and Spock prisoner. Garth is quite gloriously mad (in a tv way) and destroys all the medecine. He shapeshifts into Kirk and asks to be beamed onboard, but for the first time ever Kirk has ordered Scotty to only beam him up if he can answer a chess problem. That was lucky! It gives Shatner the chance to play crazy again and that's always fun at least. Garth puts on a crazy dinner where his crazy friends do crazy things and argues with Marta. She does a dance because why have an Orion lady if they're not going to dance. Garth explains his mad philosophy in a long rant. Basically, he wants to conquer the galaxy.
Garth tortures the governor in a treatment chair (it's a bit like 'Dagger of the Mind' but not as good) to get the answer to the chess problem out of Kirk. He tortures Kirk and Marta is upset because she fancies Kirk (she is a woman.) Marta and Kirk get sexy and she tries to stab him because she's nuts. Spock nerve pinches her because Kirk is all his. Kirk realises that Garth is Spock in disguise and it was all a trick to get the chess move. Kirk tries to appeal to Garth as a Starfleet officer. It doesn't work. Garth has a crazy ceremony as the episode starts to drag. It could use more of the real Spock. Garth threatens to have Marta killed if Kirk doesn't give him the chess move but then blows her up before Kirk does. Strange plan. But pretty brutal. Finally Spock takes out the Andorian and the Tellerite with a DOUBLE NERVE PINCH, which rules. Then we get the classic "two Kirks" scene where Spock doesn't know which is the real Kirk and which is Garth. The two Kirks fight until the real Kirk tells him to shoot them both. He could have just done that in the first place, really, but it's a fun scene! Garth is cured by the magic medicine and is a nice guy again! No more mental illness in the Star Trek universe ever, I guess!
So this episode is pretty silly, but in a fun way mostly. Garth is an entertaining villain up to a point, but he's too one dimensionally "crazy" to be a great character and some of his scenes go on a bit. There's never any attempt to really delve into his mental illness. I found Marta the superior character and the actress did a good job. The two Kirks scene is great but it comes really late in the episode and there isn't really enough material to keep it from getting a bit boring before that point. But yeah, I still quite like the episode because there's nothing terrible in it (rare for season 3!) and it has a lot of fun stuff.
SCORE: 7/10
Garth tortures the governor in a treatment chair (it's a bit like 'Dagger of the Mind' but not as good) to get the answer to the chess problem out of Kirk. He tortures Kirk and Marta is upset because she fancies Kirk (she is a woman.) Marta and Kirk get sexy and she tries to stab him because she's nuts. Spock nerve pinches her because Kirk is all his. Kirk realises that Garth is Spock in disguise and it was all a trick to get the chess move. Kirk tries to appeal to Garth as a Starfleet officer. It doesn't work. Garth has a crazy ceremony as the episode starts to drag. It could use more of the real Spock. Garth threatens to have Marta killed if Kirk doesn't give him the chess move but then blows her up before Kirk does. Strange plan. But pretty brutal. Finally Spock takes out the Andorian and the Tellerite with a DOUBLE NERVE PINCH, which rules. Then we get the classic "two Kirks" scene where Spock doesn't know which is the real Kirk and which is Garth. The two Kirks fight until the real Kirk tells him to shoot them both. He could have just done that in the first place, really, but it's a fun scene! Garth is cured by the magic medicine and is a nice guy again! No more mental illness in the Star Trek universe ever, I guess!
So this episode is pretty silly, but in a fun way mostly. Garth is an entertaining villain up to a point, but he's too one dimensionally "crazy" to be a great character and some of his scenes go on a bit. There's never any attempt to really delve into his mental illness. I found Marta the superior character and the actress did a good job. The two Kirks scene is great but it comes really late in the episode and there isn't really enough material to keep it from getting a bit boring before that point. But yeah, I still quite like the episode because there's nothing terrible in it (rare for season 3!) and it has a lot of fun stuff.
SCORE: 7/10
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Let That Be Your Last Battlefield - The Enterprise encounters an alien (Lokai) in a stolen Starfleet shuttlecraft who is commpletely white down one side of his body and completely black down the other. They can't explain why he looks like that but I suspect it's because there's about to be an analogy! He's from the SOUTHERN most part of the galaxy and yep there's definitely some kind of analogy about to happen...possibly a racial one! An invisible ship shows up and there's a weird shakey cam shot of the red alert light. An alien named Bele appears on the bridge and at first glance he appears to be identical to Lokai. He claims that Lokai is a wanted criminal and wants to bring him in. Lokai's people were slaves and Bele's their oppressors, though Bele says they were just trying to help Lokai's savage people. They have a hammy argument. Kirk won't just let Lokai be handed over. The Enterprise is hijacked by Bele somehow and we get another shakey red alert light. He's been chasing Lokai for 50,000 years (really!) and he isn't about to give up now! Bele and Lokai both have personal shields that mean they can't be stunned. Kirk threatens to self destruct the Entperprise if Bele doesn't give him command back. He and Spock and Scotty slowly put the self destruct sequence in. Really slowly! With close-ups of their mouths! If Bele's so powerful that he can take control of the Enterprise this seasily, surely he can also stop the computer from accepting orders from Kirk?
Kirk cancels the destruct and Bele gives Kirk command back so he can carry out his Starfleet mission. He lets Lokai and Bele move freely through the Enterprise so they can learn from the crew. Sulu and Chekov talk about how racism stopped on Earth back in the 20th century. This is what people mean by saying Star Trek had an optimistic view of the future! While Lokai talks to the lower officers, Bele drinks with the two highest ranked which is a nice touch. In the best scene of the episode, Spock says Lokai and Bele are obviously of the same species. Bele is disgusted and tells them and their black down different sides of their bodies. Bele hijacks the ship again after it's carried out its mission. Lokai lashes out at everyone because he's just as bad as Bele I guess. Kirk is sick of all their racist shit and makes a plea for them to stop fighting. They reach Cheron (the home planet of the black and whites) and find that EVERYONE IS DEAD. Due to racism! Despite this Bele and Lokai still blame each other and keep fighting and ignoring Kirk's speeches. Spock commentates on them both slowly running down to the transporter room (with visions of burning buildings.) They beam down to the planet and keep fighting forever.
This is a pretty famous episode! It's completely unsubtle with the ridiculous make-up (they're literally painted black and white) and the reference to the "southern most part of the galaxy." It's eas to make fun of, but its heart was in the right place. It had good intentions and maybe if I'd been alive in 1969 it would have had an impact on me. Maybe it would have made me think "wow, racism is really absurd." Maybe the make-up is absurd on purpose to make that very point? Of course racism is a bit more complicated than people looking different and it does show that Lokai's people are of a lower social class than Bele's. But then at the end it seems to be saying Lokai's just as bad as Bele even though his people were slaves? I guess it's making the point that everyone has to let go of hate eventually. It's a good message and like I said earlier that scene with Kirk, Spock and Bele when he's explaining the difference between the races is great. But the acting from the two guest stars is very...theatrical and maybe it would ahve been more effective if the story had been a bit more mature. The self destruct scene takes up a lot of time and Bele and Lokai running through the ship at the end is laughable. So I don't know, I do respect the episode because it does manage to make a powerful point in at least one scene, but the whole think would have aged better if it wasn't so over simplified.
SCORE: 7/10
Kirk cancels the destruct and Bele gives Kirk command back so he can carry out his Starfleet mission. He lets Lokai and Bele move freely through the Enterprise so they can learn from the crew. Sulu and Chekov talk about how racism stopped on Earth back in the 20th century. This is what people mean by saying Star Trek had an optimistic view of the future! While Lokai talks to the lower officers, Bele drinks with the two highest ranked which is a nice touch. In the best scene of the episode, Spock says Lokai and Bele are obviously of the same species. Bele is disgusted and tells them and their black down different sides of their bodies. Bele hijacks the ship again after it's carried out its mission. Lokai lashes out at everyone because he's just as bad as Bele I guess. Kirk is sick of all their racist shit and makes a plea for them to stop fighting. They reach Cheron (the home planet of the black and whites) and find that EVERYONE IS DEAD. Due to racism! Despite this Bele and Lokai still blame each other and keep fighting and ignoring Kirk's speeches. Spock commentates on them both slowly running down to the transporter room (with visions of burning buildings.) They beam down to the planet and keep fighting forever.
This is a pretty famous episode! It's completely unsubtle with the ridiculous make-up (they're literally painted black and white) and the reference to the "southern most part of the galaxy." It's eas to make fun of, but its heart was in the right place. It had good intentions and maybe if I'd been alive in 1969 it would have had an impact on me. Maybe it would have made me think "wow, racism is really absurd." Maybe the make-up is absurd on purpose to make that very point? Of course racism is a bit more complicated than people looking different and it does show that Lokai's people are of a lower social class than Bele's. But then at the end it seems to be saying Lokai's just as bad as Bele even though his people were slaves? I guess it's making the point that everyone has to let go of hate eventually. It's a good message and like I said earlier that scene with Kirk, Spock and Bele when he's explaining the difference between the races is great. But the acting from the two guest stars is very...theatrical and maybe it would ahve been more effective if the story had been a bit more mature. The self destruct scene takes up a lot of time and Bele and Lokai running through the ship at the end is laughable. So I don't know, I do respect the episode because it does manage to make a powerful point in at least one scene, but the whole think would have aged better if it wasn't so over simplified.
SCORE: 7/10
Last edited:
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
The Mark of Gideon - Kirk attemps to beam down to the isolationist planet of Gideon, but instead finds himself back on the Enterprise and it's empty! The Emptyprise! Meanwhile on the normal Enterprise Spock speaks to the Gideon ambassador who doesn't know what's going on. Spock starts scanning all of space to find the Captain. Kirk walks around alone for a while until he finds a hot woman dancing. Because of course he does. So it's a bit like Wink of an Eye again. She claims not to know what's going on either. Spock keeps complaining about diplomats and bureaucrats. There's a really long scene where he tries to get the Gideon Prime Minister or whoever it is to allow him to beam down but fails. Kirk and the hot girl keep flirting and flying through space endlessly. He finally gets her to admit that Gideon is over-populated and completely full of people. They kiss and go off to shag and loads of green faces are watching on the viewscreen. Kirk opens a viewing port and sees the green people watching and it puts him off the sex. The woman gets ill for the first time (there's no sickness on her planet) and is happy about it. The Prime Minister guy (ambassador? Maybe?) appears and the hot girl is his daughter and everything is going according to plan!
He finally reveals that Kirk has a rare disease that he wanted exposed to his daugther so that it would kill part of their population and solve their over-crowding problem. Spock finally beams down to the fake Enterprise. Kirk tries to explain contraception to the alien but he says they'll never stop shagging or something. He doesn't really manage to explain why their only option was building a fake Enterprise and trapping Kirk on it with his hot daughter. They want Kirk to stay because he has the virus. They can't just replicate it because...I don't know. This whole story is falling apart! Then Spock starts figuring things out and has a voiceover talking about how it must all be a trick to fool Kirk. We know! We've been watching the episode! The audience already has this information, why are we hearing it from Spock now? Kirk and Spock beam up with hot daughter and McCoy cures her. She beams back down because now that she carries the disease she can...use it to kill people. I guess. It plays out like a happy ending though.
A planet where people can't die that is suffering from over-population is a good idea for an episode. And yet this episode isn't good. It's very boring! First of all it makes no sense that they'd build an exact replica of the Enterprise just to fool Kirk. Why not just lock him in a room with the hot daughter? He'd have fallen in love with her anyway! Kirk also rightly points out that there's many more solutions to the problem that Gideon could try. If they can build actual starships why not move some of their population to another planet? Or just have people live on starships (they're quite big!) Why can't they engineer a disease without Kirk's blood? If they really want to kill people, why not just like bomb part of the planet? Or shoot some people? Or chop their heads off. It's really stupid. And really dull. HOWEVER I will give them an extra point for the scene where Kirk tells the stupid aliens to just use contraception. That was quite brave for 1968.
SCORE: 3.5/10
He finally reveals that Kirk has a rare disease that he wanted exposed to his daugther so that it would kill part of their population and solve their over-crowding problem. Spock finally beams down to the fake Enterprise. Kirk tries to explain contraception to the alien but he says they'll never stop shagging or something. He doesn't really manage to explain why their only option was building a fake Enterprise and trapping Kirk on it with his hot daughter. They want Kirk to stay because he has the virus. They can't just replicate it because...I don't know. This whole story is falling apart! Then Spock starts figuring things out and has a voiceover talking about how it must all be a trick to fool Kirk. We know! We've been watching the episode! The audience already has this information, why are we hearing it from Spock now? Kirk and Spock beam up with hot daughter and McCoy cures her. She beams back down because now that she carries the disease she can...use it to kill people. I guess. It plays out like a happy ending though.
A planet where people can't die that is suffering from over-population is a good idea for an episode. And yet this episode isn't good. It's very boring! First of all it makes no sense that they'd build an exact replica of the Enterprise just to fool Kirk. Why not just lock him in a room with the hot daughter? He'd have fallen in love with her anyway! Kirk also rightly points out that there's many more solutions to the problem that Gideon could try. If they can build actual starships why not move some of their population to another planet? Or just have people live on starships (they're quite big!) Why can't they engineer a disease without Kirk's blood? If they really want to kill people, why not just like bomb part of the planet? Or shoot some people? Or chop their heads off. It's really stupid. And really dull. HOWEVER I will give them an extra point for the scene where Kirk tells the stupid aliens to just use contraception. That was quite brave for 1968.
SCORE: 3.5/10
Last edited:
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
That Which Survives - Kirk, McCoy, Sulu and a random geologist (RIP) beam down to a weird planet, just as a sexy lady warns them not to. The Enterprise is hurled across the galaxy somehow by her. Doctor M'Benga makes a welcome return as Spock is left in charge of the Enterprise and tries to figure out what's going on. Scotty offers to sit on the engines and nurse them to get the Enterprise home and Spock points out that's a bit weird. Kirk and friends boringly explore the boring planet. The hot woman kills the geologist. Meanwhile, Spock is being an absolute asshole as Captain. Not in the normal way where he's being perfectly logical but the crew disagree with him, he really is just being a dick this time. It's weird. The sexy woman kills an engineer on the Enterprise. The sexy woman confronts Sulu and he isn't as easily seduced as the others. FUNNY THAT. (He still says "I don't want to have to kill a woman!") She tells Kirk she doesn't want to destroy. Sulu struggles to understand how a beautiful woman can be evil. Gee, because they've never encountered an evil hot woman before.
Spock comes up with some technobabble plan to call inside a tube and Scotty says he'll do it instead. Scotty crawls into the usual Jeffries tube set but there's werid waves in it now to make it look dangerous. Spock is a complete sarcastic dick to him even while Scotty is risking his life. The sexy woman shows up on the planet again and says she's here for Kirk this time. Sulu and McCoy won't let her touch him. Kirk asks if she's lonely. She disappears again. They find a door. Spock tells Scotty to REVERSE POLARITY like in Doctor Who because Scotty was right about the Enterprise "feeling" wrong. Scotty keeps telling Spock to press the button that will kill him to save the ship. This is probably about the only thing in the episode that approaches being kind of good. Kirk finds a computer (it's just a big cube) and it makes three versions of the woman appear. Spock arrives and shoots the computer. A recording of the woman who created the hot robot holograms (or whatever they were) appears and reveals it was all just a malfunctioning defence system waiting for some people who never came. Everyone talks about how beautiful she was again. The end.
This episode is bad. Almost nothing happens in the Kirk plot. Just the usual season three thing of a mysterious hot woman confusing the men. There's one okay scene where Scotty saves the day but the Enterprise stuff is ruined by Spock being out of character. I know he's cold and logical but he's never normally as bad as this. And there's no message to it, nothing but "beauty survives!" which doesn't really mean anything. I makes the previous episode seem exciting.
SCORE: 2/10
Spock comes up with some technobabble plan to call inside a tube and Scotty says he'll do it instead. Scotty crawls into the usual Jeffries tube set but there's werid waves in it now to make it look dangerous. Spock is a complete sarcastic dick to him even while Scotty is risking his life. The sexy woman shows up on the planet again and says she's here for Kirk this time. Sulu and McCoy won't let her touch him. Kirk asks if she's lonely. She disappears again. They find a door. Spock tells Scotty to REVERSE POLARITY like in Doctor Who because Scotty was right about the Enterprise "feeling" wrong. Scotty keeps telling Spock to press the button that will kill him to save the ship. This is probably about the only thing in the episode that approaches being kind of good. Kirk finds a computer (it's just a big cube) and it makes three versions of the woman appear. Spock arrives and shoots the computer. A recording of the woman who created the hot robot holograms (or whatever they were) appears and reveals it was all just a malfunctioning defence system waiting for some people who never came. Everyone talks about how beautiful she was again. The end.
This episode is bad. Almost nothing happens in the Kirk plot. Just the usual season three thing of a mysterious hot woman confusing the men. There's one okay scene where Scotty saves the day but the Enterprise stuff is ruined by Spock being out of character. I know he's cold and logical but he's never normally as bad as this. And there's no message to it, nothing but "beauty survives!" which doesn't really mean anything. I makes the previous episode seem exciting.
SCORE: 2/10
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
The Lights of Zetar - The Enteprise is at SPACE LIBRARY Memory Alpha (like the website!) and Scotty's in love with a hot young Lt. Librarian Mira. We don't know if she returns his feelings but who cares what women think, right? Some scary lights appear on the viewscreen and everyone just covers their eyes instead of turning the viewscreen off. Mira passes out and starts talking in her throat and Scotty acts like she's a poor wee girl who needs his protection and not a Starfleet officer. I have a feeling I'm going to find Scotty very annoying in this episode! AND YEP he's annoying as fuck with his "och, the poor wee lass just didnae understand!" shite. He keeps watching her in sickbay while he's supposed to be working. Mira has a vision of some people dead on Memory Alpha then Kirk finds those people. Because he vision came true, Mira thinks a storm is going to destroy the Enterprise. Fucking Scotty won't believe Mira and just keeps saying it's space playing tricks on her. Some spooky lights chase the Enteprise. It's boring. When the Enterprise shoots the lights it hurts Mira so they have to stop.
Kirk, Spock, McCoy and the computer analyse Mira in a long scene. Really long. They finally conclude that her brain is being taken over by the aliens. No shit, I could have told you that. She admits she had a vision of Scotty dying. More boring stuff happens, Mira talks with an alien voice, they randomly decide to put her in a pressure chamber. She's the last hundred aliens from Zetar existing as non-corporeal life in the form of lights or something. Kirk wants to put her in the chamber to flush the aliens out. All of this is long and boring. They slowly keep increasing pressure. Finally she's cured and Scotty is happy that they're going to spend the rest of their lives together, except we're obviously never going to see her again.
FUCK THIS IS BORING. It's like the writers are having a "who can write the most boring episode" competition. And making it worse is Scotty being the worst character ever in this episode with his patronising ways around Mira. The only think that makes me happy is the idea that Mira just instantly dumped him after the episode because she never actually liked him. But why not give an episode to Uhura instead of some women we've never met before or will ever see again?
SCORE: 1.5/10
Kirk, Spock, McCoy and the computer analyse Mira in a long scene. Really long. They finally conclude that her brain is being taken over by the aliens. No shit, I could have told you that. She admits she had a vision of Scotty dying. More boring stuff happens, Mira talks with an alien voice, they randomly decide to put her in a pressure chamber. She's the last hundred aliens from Zetar existing as non-corporeal life in the form of lights or something. Kirk wants to put her in the chamber to flush the aliens out. All of this is long and boring. They slowly keep increasing pressure. Finally she's cured and Scotty is happy that they're going to spend the rest of their lives together, except we're obviously never going to see her again.
FUCK THIS IS BORING. It's like the writers are having a "who can write the most boring episode" competition. And making it worse is Scotty being the worst character ever in this episode with his patronising ways around Mira. The only think that makes me happy is the idea that Mira just instantly dumped him after the episode because she never actually liked him. But why not give an episode to Uhura instead of some women we've never met before or will ever see again?
SCORE: 1.5/10
Last edited:
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Requiem for Methuselah - The Enterprise crew have been struck down by a plague. Some have already died and they'll all be dead in four hours. Only a reclusive human living alone on a planet has the medicine they need. He doesn't want to help at first but then apparently remembers a plague on Earth thousands of years ago. He lives in a giant matte painting and has many ancient Earth artifacts. Hey, this episode is already more interesting than the previous three! He has a young woman named Rayna living with him who is obviously a robot. Spock notices that Flint has never before seen da Vinci paintings. Kirk INSTANTLY falls in love with Flint's robot daughter the instant he sees her even though his crew is dying of the plague (okay, Flint has given them the drug by now for McCoy to prepare a cure but you'd think he'd still be concerned.) Kirk plays pool with her. It's really really obvious she's a robot but Kirk still wants to shag her. There's somes shakey camera work while Kirk dances with her while his crew are still suffering from the plague. McCoy reports the drug won't work so him and Flint go out to get some more.
The robot starts getting confused to Kirk kisses her to fix her. It's pretty creepy. Flint's other robot (this one doesn't look like a hot girl so Kirk doesn't try to shag it) is angry and Spock has to vaporise it. Rayna keeps struggling over simple human concepts but Kirk is still hot for her. WHAT IS WRONG WITH KIRK? Spock finally figures out that Flint is over six thousand years old and trying to keep them on his planet for some reason. Kirk kisses Rayna again even though she looks terrified and orders her to love him, not Flint. Fuck Kirk. The trio find more robot girl bodies. Flint reveals that he is many Earth figures such as Brahms and da Vinci and even Merlin (who wasn't real.) He can't die. He's loved many times and created Rayna to be his perfect mate and now the crew know his secret he won't let them leave. He turns the episode into a model and puts it on his table. He changes his mind pretty quickly though!
He was using Kirk to bring Rayna's emotions alive so that she would be able to hurt Flint. That's a pretty clever plot, but then Kirk starts acting like he's in love with Rayna too and tries to beat up Flint. WHAT THE FUCK. Rayna can't handle feeling love for Kirk and dies. I guess Flint lets them have the drug after all this because the crew is fine after...except Kirk who is completely broken. McCoy reports that Flint is dying now then randomly starts having a go at Spock for not having emotions. Give it a rest, Bones. He says he wishes Kirk could forget Rayna. Spock mind melds with Kirk and orders him to forget. That's nice of Spock, I guess, but he probably shouldn't mess with someone's mind without permission? And why didn't he do this for Kirk when Edith Keeler died?
This is a better episode than the previous three just because it has more of a plot and there's some good ideas. Flint could have been a very interesting character, having lived so long and been so many famous historical figures (he says.) But we hardly spend any time on that part of the episode. His immortality is almost a throwaway detail. The idea that he's trying to get his robot to love Kirk so she can feel emotions is quite good (A bit like Westworld! But not as good!) Where the episode falls down is the execution. It has, without exaggeration, the worst version of Captain Kirk ever. The love story between him and Rayna is the least convincing love story so far in Star Trek. She's SO OBVIOUSLY a robot and if Kirk didn't know that surely he would have at least noticed that she was childlike and confused all the time? Why would he fall in love with her unless he's a fucking pervy weirdo? And it all played out IN LESS THAN FOUR HOURS (McCoy says the crew will be dead in four hours if they don't get the cure at the start.) So yeah there's some good ideas here but also it's pretty bad!
(Writer Jerome Bixby later explored the idea of an immortal caveman human in the movie 'The Man From Earth' which was far, far better than this episode.)
SCORE: 4.5/10
The robot starts getting confused to Kirk kisses her to fix her. It's pretty creepy. Flint's other robot (this one doesn't look like a hot girl so Kirk doesn't try to shag it) is angry and Spock has to vaporise it. Rayna keeps struggling over simple human concepts but Kirk is still hot for her. WHAT IS WRONG WITH KIRK? Spock finally figures out that Flint is over six thousand years old and trying to keep them on his planet for some reason. Kirk kisses Rayna again even though she looks terrified and orders her to love him, not Flint. Fuck Kirk. The trio find more robot girl bodies. Flint reveals that he is many Earth figures such as Brahms and da Vinci and even Merlin (who wasn't real.) He can't die. He's loved many times and created Rayna to be his perfect mate and now the crew know his secret he won't let them leave. He turns the episode into a model and puts it on his table. He changes his mind pretty quickly though!
He was using Kirk to bring Rayna's emotions alive so that she would be able to hurt Flint. That's a pretty clever plot, but then Kirk starts acting like he's in love with Rayna too and tries to beat up Flint. WHAT THE FUCK. Rayna can't handle feeling love for Kirk and dies. I guess Flint lets them have the drug after all this because the crew is fine after...except Kirk who is completely broken. McCoy reports that Flint is dying now then randomly starts having a go at Spock for not having emotions. Give it a rest, Bones. He says he wishes Kirk could forget Rayna. Spock mind melds with Kirk and orders him to forget. That's nice of Spock, I guess, but he probably shouldn't mess with someone's mind without permission? And why didn't he do this for Kirk when Edith Keeler died?
This is a better episode than the previous three just because it has more of a plot and there's some good ideas. Flint could have been a very interesting character, having lived so long and been so many famous historical figures (he says.) But we hardly spend any time on that part of the episode. His immortality is almost a throwaway detail. The idea that he's trying to get his robot to love Kirk so she can feel emotions is quite good (A bit like Westworld! But not as good!) Where the episode falls down is the execution. It has, without exaggeration, the worst version of Captain Kirk ever. The love story between him and Rayna is the least convincing love story so far in Star Trek. She's SO OBVIOUSLY a robot and if Kirk didn't know that surely he would have at least noticed that she was childlike and confused all the time? Why would he fall in love with her unless he's a fucking pervy weirdo? And it all played out IN LESS THAN FOUR HOURS (McCoy says the crew will be dead in four hours if they don't get the cure at the start.) So yeah there's some good ideas here but also it's pretty bad!
(Writer Jerome Bixby later explored the idea of an immortal caveman human in the movie 'The Man From Earth' which was far, far better than this episode.)
SCORE: 4.5/10
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
The Way to Eden - Why is some white bitch in Uhura's seat? I already don't like this. The Enterprise is chasing a stolen space cruiser. They beam its crew aboard before it explodes and they're a bunch of space hippies, man! They call Kirk a "Herbert" and stage a sitdown protest in the transporter room. This is going to be a long episode. They say "Herbert" a lot and it's really annoying. Kirk is disgusted by the smelly hippies rejecting technology but Spock is a bit sympathetic. Then a hippy sings. It's bad. Chekov knows a girl hippy (she's Russian too) because the only way to make this episode worse is to make it Chekov centric! The alien hippy with weird ears has some kind of space hippy disease. The hippies protest against him getting treatment (or something?) and Spock tries to talk to Severin. He offers to help them find Eden (a planet? The place from the bible? I don't know) but Severin AAAAH I can't do it this too dumb. Just look up a summary online.
Chekov kisses his old hippy girlfriend, but it's all part of the hippy plan! It starts to chime! They sing again and the crew improbably enjoys it. Spock plays his lute with them. They bust Severin out of the brig during this distraction and take over the ship. That's how easily defeated Enterprise security is. One shitty song. He hijacks the ship to take it to Eden and they fly through Romulan space. Maybe some Romulans will show up and something exciting will happen? Nope! They fucking sing again while they fly to Eden. They make the whole crew pass out somehow then sing again. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Chekov follow them to Eden and Spock says "the legends were true!" even though it looks like every other generic "pretty" planet they've ever been to (actually, not as pretty as most of them.) THE PLANTS ARE FULL OF ACID and the singing hippy is dead, thankfully. Severin eats a space pear even after being warned and dies too. Well, fuck him.
This episode and 'Spock's Brain' are often talked about as examples of how bad season three is, but while Spock's Brain is actually very funny in its badness this one is just...bad. And has too much terrible singing. The idea of a counterculture group opposed to Starfleet could be a good one, but they don't actually have any good arguments against Starfleet. Severin has one weird rant about them giving him a disease but then Spock just says he's mad. The message of the episode seems to be "hippies are really annoying and dumb and would probably eat poisoned fruit."
SCORE: 1/10
Chekov kisses his old hippy girlfriend, but it's all part of the hippy plan! It starts to chime! They sing again and the crew improbably enjoys it. Spock plays his lute with them. They bust Severin out of the brig during this distraction and take over the ship. That's how easily defeated Enterprise security is. One shitty song. He hijacks the ship to take it to Eden and they fly through Romulan space. Maybe some Romulans will show up and something exciting will happen? Nope! They fucking sing again while they fly to Eden. They make the whole crew pass out somehow then sing again. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Chekov follow them to Eden and Spock says "the legends were true!" even though it looks like every other generic "pretty" planet they've ever been to (actually, not as pretty as most of them.) THE PLANTS ARE FULL OF ACID and the singing hippy is dead, thankfully. Severin eats a space pear even after being warned and dies too. Well, fuck him.
This episode and 'Spock's Brain' are often talked about as examples of how bad season three is, but while Spock's Brain is actually very funny in its badness this one is just...bad. And has too much terrible singing. The idea of a counterculture group opposed to Starfleet could be a good one, but they don't actually have any good arguments against Starfleet. Severin has one weird rant about them giving him a disease but then Spock just says he's mad. The message of the episode seems to be "hippies are really annoying and dumb and would probably eat poisoned fruit."
SCORE: 1/10
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
The Cloud Minders - A city in the clouds! Like...literally sitting on a cloud. Somehow. Still cool! Kirk and Spock head to the mines below (for the usual "this planet is the only planet that his a rare mineral that can cure a plague" reason) and are attacked by revolutionary miners. They have a kind of hilarious fight scene. Some rich people in ridiculous outfits show up and save them. The head posh guy has a hot daughter Droxine in a, wow, that's a classic TOS outfit. Spock even calls her a "work of art." A Troglyte (see, it's a bit like "troglodyte") kills himself in front of Droxine and her dad. Spock has a rare voiceover where he explains the plot and again points out how lovely Droxine is. Then explains Pon Farr to her. Spock's got the horn. Meanwhile the Troglyte woman from the start tries to kill Kirk but he disarms her with some flirting. Kirk and Spock try to explain to Droxine that it's unfair to enslave people to do all the hardwork while they live on the clouds but Droxine is too rich and dumb to understand.
Kirk objects to the Stratos ruler torturing the Troglyte woman. He thinks torture isn't a reliable interrogation method. Some shitty racist presidents should watch this! Kirk and Spock go back to the Enterprise and McCoy comes up with a way to allow the troglytes to breathe clean air and become intellectually equal to the Stratos people. The Stratos guy won't help them so Kirk goes to the Troglyte woman. They go to the mines together but she betrays Kirk and holds him hostage. She makes him dig with his bare hands. It's pretty harsh! The episode kind of drags at this point, really, as Kirk escapes and comes up with another scheme. Droxine keeps talking about how hot Spock's ears are. Kirk makes the Stratos guy and the Troglyte lady both dig with no masks on (Kirk is being affected himself.) They have another argument but Droxine says she wants to go to the mines so I guess everything is fine now. Spock still wans to shag her.
So this one is better than average for season three. If it was in the first two seasons it would be considered a bit disappointing, but I do enjoy it more than what I've had to watch recently. It has a classic (heavy-handed) Star Trek metaphor about the class system. It has some outrageous outfits. A hot girl. Amusing fights scenes. But also it drags a bit and has some bad acting! So yeah I'll just give it my standard 7/10 I end up giving all episodes like this.
SCORE: 7/10
Kirk objects to the Stratos ruler torturing the Troglyte woman. He thinks torture isn't a reliable interrogation method. Some shitty racist presidents should watch this! Kirk and Spock go back to the Enterprise and McCoy comes up with a way to allow the troglytes to breathe clean air and become intellectually equal to the Stratos people. The Stratos guy won't help them so Kirk goes to the Troglyte woman. They go to the mines together but she betrays Kirk and holds him hostage. She makes him dig with his bare hands. It's pretty harsh! The episode kind of drags at this point, really, as Kirk escapes and comes up with another scheme. Droxine keeps talking about how hot Spock's ears are. Kirk makes the Stratos guy and the Troglyte lady both dig with no masks on (Kirk is being affected himself.) They have another argument but Droxine says she wants to go to the mines so I guess everything is fine now. Spock still wans to shag her.
So this one is better than average for season three. If it was in the first two seasons it would be considered a bit disappointing, but I do enjoy it more than what I've had to watch recently. It has a classic (heavy-handed) Star Trek metaphor about the class system. It has some outrageous outfits. A hot girl. Amusing fights scenes. But also it drags a bit and has some bad acting! So yeah I'll just give it my standard 7/10 I end up giving all episodes like this.
SCORE: 7/10
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
The Savage Curtain - Abraham Lincoln is floating in space. He just sits there in space talking to them for a while until they beam him onboard. (Fun fact: they don't measure time in minutes anymore.) Kirk decides that they should treat him like the real Lincoln just in case. They spend quite a lot of time on giving him a formal welcome to the Enterprise. Scotty wears a kilt and sporan for him! The best part is when he calls Uhura a "charming negress" and she explains that in the 23rd century people have learned not to fear words. He apologises for slavery. It's nice. A segment of breathable atmosphere appears on the rock planet below and Kirk, Spock and Lincoln eventually beam down. They meet Surak the famous Vulcan there (so famous that Kirk has never heard of him.) A rock monster who literally looks like living shit appears and introduces Genghis Khan, Colonel Green (a dictator from the early 21st century...hmm), Zora of Tiburon (no idea) and Kahless the Kling (blacked up to a ridiculous degree.) They have to fight each other in the ultimate battle of good versus evil! For some reason! And the Enterprise crew watch it all on the viewscreen like in 'Arena' because that was a popular episode.
Green tries to make a deal with Kirk but it's a trap and they have a bad fight scene while the bad rock monster watches. Imagine you're trying to convince someone to watch Star Trek and you put a random episode on and it's this one. The rock monster endangers the ship so that the good guys will fight and blah blah blah. Kirk wants to build weapons (like Arena!) but Surak suggests sending peace envoys to these figures of ultimate evil consturcted out of lava. Surak makes a long, logical speech about the value of peace to the baddies but can later be heard shouting for Spock to help him. It's an obvious trap and Lincoln suggests that matching their evil is the only way to win. He does have a pretty good line about there being no honourable way to kill. Lincoln finds Surak already dead and it turns out Kahless was an expert on doing voices! WHAT THE FUCK? Lincoln dies and Kirk kills Kahless (I think?) and Green. Ghengis Khan and the other one just run off (seriously, that's what the rock monster says) so it's over! The rock monster say he's learned nothing because they all just used the same methods and killed each other. Kirk says it was because his crew's lives were on the line so it was okay. And...that's it. No great Kirk speech or anything, they rock monster just lets them go and the episode ends with Kirk saying something werid about Lincoln dying so Earth could achieve final peace.
So yeah...the episode has a certain campy appeal. Abraham Lincoln floating in space! And being stabbed to death! There are some decent lines from Lincoln and Surak, but I don't know what the point of it was? It's an obvious attempt to recreate 'Arena' but without even the depth that episode had. What does the rock monster learn about good and evil in the end? That they fight for different reasons, I guess. But it was the rock monster who gave them those reasons to fight so he already knew that. It's all a load of bollocks, really, but it's kind of entertainingly crap bollocks.
SCORE: 5/10
Green tries to make a deal with Kirk but it's a trap and they have a bad fight scene while the bad rock monster watches. Imagine you're trying to convince someone to watch Star Trek and you put a random episode on and it's this one. The rock monster endangers the ship so that the good guys will fight and blah blah blah. Kirk wants to build weapons (like Arena!) but Surak suggests sending peace envoys to these figures of ultimate evil consturcted out of lava. Surak makes a long, logical speech about the value of peace to the baddies but can later be heard shouting for Spock to help him. It's an obvious trap and Lincoln suggests that matching their evil is the only way to win. He does have a pretty good line about there being no honourable way to kill. Lincoln finds Surak already dead and it turns out Kahless was an expert on doing voices! WHAT THE FUCK? Lincoln dies and Kirk kills Kahless (I think?) and Green. Ghengis Khan and the other one just run off (seriously, that's what the rock monster says) so it's over! The rock monster say he's learned nothing because they all just used the same methods and killed each other. Kirk says it was because his crew's lives were on the line so it was okay. And...that's it. No great Kirk speech or anything, they rock monster just lets them go and the episode ends with Kirk saying something werid about Lincoln dying so Earth could achieve final peace.
So yeah...the episode has a certain campy appeal. Abraham Lincoln floating in space! And being stabbed to death! There are some decent lines from Lincoln and Surak, but I don't know what the point of it was? It's an obvious attempt to recreate 'Arena' but without even the depth that episode had. What does the rock monster learn about good and evil in the end? That they fight for different reasons, I guess. But it was the rock monster who gave them those reasons to fight so he already knew that. It's all a load of bollocks, really, but it's kind of entertainingly crap bollocks.
SCORE: 5/10
Colonel Kira's Left Tit
Bearded Belly of Bajor
Who knew Kahless had a side job doing celebrity impressions, though? "Now do Lincoln!" indeed...