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Cait's Joke of the Day
- Thread starter Caitriona
- Start date
Caitriona
Something Wicked
A man walks into a drugstore, looks around a bit, and then approaches the pharmacist. "Scuse me, where can I find the condoms with pesticide?"
The pharmacist looks at him, smiling. "Oh, you mean the condoms with spermicide - aisle two, Sir"
The man shakes his head as the pharmacist speaks. "No, I mean pesticide. I need the ones with pesticide."
"Sir, why would you need condoms with pesticide?"
"Cos my wife has a bug up her ass - and I'm going in after it!"
The pharmacist looks at him, smiling. "Oh, you mean the condoms with spermicide - aisle two, Sir"
The man shakes his head as the pharmacist speaks. "No, I mean pesticide. I need the ones with pesticide."
"Sir, why would you need condoms with pesticide?"
"Cos my wife has a bug up her ass - and I'm going in after it!"
Caitriona
Something Wicked
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''
They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''
They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''
Caitriona
Something Wicked
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! The bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! The bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! The bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says.
"I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter Hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing The bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me," he replies.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! The bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! The bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says.
"I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter Hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing The bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me," he replies.
HeroicFool
New member
Booo, hissss ... 
The two before that last one were pretty good though.
The two before that last one were pretty good though.
Caitriona
Something Wicked
To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.
Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.
A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"
Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.
A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"
Caitriona
Something Wicked
Caitriona
Something Wicked
In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly,
Somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks
Like she's having some discomfort so her boyfriend
Asks her, "What's wrong honey?"
She replies, "My head hurts."
Her boyfriend kisses her forehead,
And asks her, "Is it better now?"
"Yes," she says.
Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"
"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips.
So the boyfriend kisses her lips. "Is it better now?"
"Much better."
"Anywhere else?"
She replies by pointing to her neck.
So the boyfriend kisses her neck.
Annoyed at the pitiful public display,
The elderly man asks the young man,
"Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"
Somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks
Like she's having some discomfort so her boyfriend
Asks her, "What's wrong honey?"
She replies, "My head hurts."
Her boyfriend kisses her forehead,
And asks her, "Is it better now?"
"Yes," she says.
Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"
"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips.
So the boyfriend kisses her lips. "Is it better now?"
"Much better."
"Anywhere else?"
She replies by pointing to her neck.
So the boyfriend kisses her neck.
Annoyed at the pitiful public display,
The elderly man asks the young man,
"Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"
Caitriona
Something Wicked
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966 in London."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966 in London."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral.
Big Dick McGee
If you don't know, now ya know
Q: What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant lady.
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Caitriona
Something Wicked
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "162" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and
sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for
another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's body parts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly,
"So.. is... your... party... gonna... nominate...
Hillary... for.. president ???"
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "162" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and
sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for
another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's body parts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly,
"So.. is... your... party... gonna... nominate...
Hillary... for.. president ???"
Grammour Boy
Rebel
joke of the day - not jokes of the day
Big Dick McGee
If you don't know, now ya know
Caitriona said:
FUNNIEST. JOKE. EVARRRRRR!!
Caitriona
Something Wicked
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope......... just when it's raining".
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope......... just when it's raining".
Saturn
New member
A man and a woman who had never met before,but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Ultros
New member
Caitriona said:Hey shit for brains, if you ever learn to read for comprehension it will be a miracle.
Read this... and comprehend...
She states quite plainly and categorically that she will NOT take the time to fool with those silly tags. And guess what, the thread mysteriously ends up in DC where she *imagine it* didn't have to fool with the silly tags.
Learn to read.
Learn to comprehend things around here and maybe, maybe one day you won't have egg all over YOUR face from all your incessant crybaby whining.
As to mm, *shakes head* I so wish I cold learn how to confess to something and still have everyone think it is someone else.. You've no idea how much I envy that little talent.
I bow to the best of the best... missmanners!!!
Caitriona
Something Wicked
I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed.
A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store," and that was it.
There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair...
I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to fuck."
A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store," and that was it.
There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair...
I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to fuck."
Captain Jack
New member
Great jokes, Cait. 
That's was too funny. I can actually envision Morbo saying this on Futurama.
That's was too funny. I can actually envision Morbo saying this on Futurama.