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Cait's Joke of the Day

At six in the morning, the big toe looks at the penis and says,
"Psst! Hey!" The penis stands up and says,
"Yeah?" The toe says, "You know man, I've really got it tough. Every morning this guy shoves me into a stinking old sock, ties me up in a dirty old shoe, walks on me all over town, and people step on me all day long."

The penis says, "Fella, you ain't got no problems at all.
This guy shoves me into a jock strap that's too tight. Then he goes over to his girlfriend's house, starts messing around with her, and I get all tense and excited, and I can't move a muscle. Then he shoves this rubber balloon over my head, locks me in a big hairy cage, and makes me do push-ups until I get sick and throw up."
 
Programming is like sex

Because:

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Once you get started, you’ll only stop because you’re exhausted.

It takes another experienced person to really appreciate what you’re doing.

Conversely, there’s some odd people who pride themselves on their lack of experience.

You can do it for money or for fun.

If you spend more time doing it than watching TV, people think you’re some kind of freak.

It’s not really an appropriate topic for dinner conversation.

There’s not enough taught about it in public school.

It doesn’t make any sense at all if you try to explain it in strictly clinical terms.

Some people are just naturally good.

But some people will never realize how bad they are, and you’re wasting your time trying to tell them.

There are a few weirdos with bizarre practices nobody really is comfortable with.

One little thing going wrong can ruin everything.

It’s a great way to spend a lunch break.

Everyone acts like they’re the first person to come up with a new technique.

Everyone who’s done it pokes fun at those who haven’t.

Beginners do a lot of clumsy fumbling about.

You’ll miss it if it’s been a while.

There’s always someone willing to write about the only right way to do things.

It doesn’t go so well when you’re drunk, but you’re more likely to do it.

Sometimes it’s fun to use expensive toys.

Other people just get in the way.
 
A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after an examination the
dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of
Novocaine and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says, "No way. I hate needles I'm not
having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with gas."

The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of
days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he
says, "Take this pill."

The cowboy asks, "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The cowboy looks surprised and ask, "Will that kill the pain?"

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to
while I pull the tooth."
 
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly."

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.
 
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
 
1. Men are like .......Laxatives ..... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like .......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores .. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .Mascara .. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ...Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
 
lol.gif
Keep 'em coming Cait!
 
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. The bus rolled up and it was her turn to board when she realized her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come
up to the height of the first step on the bus. She was slightly embarrassed, but with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her
leg. She tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she STILL couldn't reach the step!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a bit more and attempted the step once again. Much to her chagrin she still could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she unzipped the offending skirt once more
and, again, was unable to make the step.

About this time a big Texan that was behind her in line, picked her up by the waist and gingerly placed her on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured that we were friends."
 
Caitriona said:
13. Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Click to expand...

Hmm, I guess I'm handicapped. Or I'm not a good one...

Probably a bit of both :P

Don't start with the man bashing hon, I know where I can get alot of these types of jokes about women...

And they're much meaner spirited. :P
 
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, Iince you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead"

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

"How soon can I go home?"
 
Ten Signs You've Been Around Porn Too Long


1. You think every attractive woman you meet must be a stripper.
2. Whenever someone says 'ATM machine' you smile - and then have to explain A2M to your confused friends.
3. You think twenty-five year old women are mature, and thirty year old women are past it.
4. The name Jenna makes you think Jameson, not Bush.
5. You have an opinion on Rob Black or Max Hardcore.
6. You think unshaved pussies look 'funny'.
7. Double D's are just right.
8. (Men) You put one leg up on the bed when you have sex doggy-style because it leaves more space for the camera. (Women) You slap your cheeks with his dick during oral because you think it looks 'nasty'.
9. Every time you have sex it goes oral, vaginal, anal, cumshot.
10. You rub cum in instead of wiping it off.
 
40 rock solid reasons to get drunk tonite

1. If you don't drink that booze, by God, someone else will.

2. The brewing industry alone employs 1.7 million people and that's a lot of mouths to feed.

3. Bad ass nicknames like "Chuggybear," "The Alabama Hamma," "Pukey McPukerson" are not awarded to people who stay home to do laundry.

4. Your favorite bar stool needs just one more sitting to break it in.

5. This is the one and only night your soul mate will wander into the bar. Seriously.

6. Word on the street is, the booze has been trash talking you all day.

7. Without your brilliant wit and charm all those poor bartenders will be so dreadfully bored.

8. Dude, after what you did last time, you gotta go back out there and explain yourself.

9. It's far better to have a good time you won't remember than a dull one you will.

10. Remember that English high school teacher you and your pals used to call "Mr. McTightass?" You are so starting to remind me of him.
 
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
 
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a very shear blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....

The grandmother says. "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
 
Toward the end of the service, the minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

About 80% held up their hands.

The minister then repeated the question and all
responded by raising their hands except one small,
elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your
enemies?", the minister asked.

"I don't have any", she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is indeed unusual. How old are
you?"

"Ninety-eight" she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, would you come down front and tell the
congregation how a person can live for ninety-eight
years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, smiled sweetly and said,

"I outlived the bitches."
 
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