CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(A hospital room. DJ, Jock and Lucy are gathered around the bed of Uncle Mac. His face his wrapped up in bandages after having extensive plastic surgery. He's also been in a coma for six months. He's about to wake up!)
DJ: I can't believe it's been six months!
Jock: I can't believe my Uncle Mac's about to wake up for the first times since throwing himself off the roof of the Cat Cleaning business we own!
Lucy: I can't believe I'm still friends with you crazy guys!
(Studio audience laugh and cheer. They like Lucy's new network ordered positive attitude!)
DJ: Sssh, guys, he's waking up!
(The studio audience gasp as a doctor starts to unwrap Uncle Mac's bandages...)
Lucy: What will we see beneath...
Jock: What if he looks like Hitler!?
DJ: What if he's black!?
(Studio audience laugh. Finally it is done. Uncle Mac sits up...he looks twenty years younger! He's a handsome fifty year old man! He has a beard.)
Jock: I can't believe it...he looks exactly the same!
DJ: Except for that beard!
Lucy: Better shave it!
Uncle Mac: No...I like it. It will serve as a reminder to me.
Jock: Reminding you what, Uncle Mac?
Uncle Mac: To never inject heroin directly into my eyeballs then jump off a building.
(Studio audience cheer.)
Uncle Mac: I'm only going to smoke it from now on!
(Studio audience laugh.)
Jock, DJ, Lucy: That's our crazy Uncle Mac!
NEW OPENING CREDITS with the new theme song "Friendship Is Life" play
(Inside Cat Cleaners, DJ and NEW REGULAR CAST MEMBER THE CHAMP are looking at cats.)
DJ: Champ, if you're going to work here I'm going to have to teach you how to clean cats!
Champ: I'm only here because I can't be a boxer no more because I got shot in the leg in your crazy store! You fools owe me! But I ain't doing no cat cleaning shit! That's woman's work! Which reminds me, when I'm going to get to sleep with that fineass ho Lucy?
DJ: Uhh...
Champ: Shut up! I'm only here until I lay down the lyrics for my RAP ALBUM and become a BIG RAP STAR. Now get out of my face, fool!
(The studio audience boo as The Champ stomps away. Jock pops up from behind a cat basket.)
Jock: Is he gone?
(Studio audience cheer Jock's cowardice.)
DJ: You have to get used to working with him!
Jock: His rap is bound to take off soon...
DJ: His rap is terrible!
Jock: But he's black!
DJ: I could write a better rap than him and I'm one quarter dutch!
Jock: Sssh, he might hear!
(The door opens. Jock almost jumps below the counter in fear, but it's just a HOT ASIAN GIRL.)
Hot Asian Girl: Hi! I hear you guys clean cats?
DJ: That's...
(Jock jumps in front of DJ.)
Jock: That's right, ma'am! We clean any cat NO MATTER HOW DIRTY OR SCRATCHY!
Hot Asian Girl: Good, because my grandmother has TEN dirty cats. I'll bring them in later.
Jock: Hope to see you then!
Hot Asian Girl: Not if I see you first!
(Studio audience cheer this flirting. Lucy walks in.)
Lucy: Wait, is Jock flirsting with her? But I thought...he and I...would...
DJ: You've been holding out on him for six months, Loo Loo, you can't blame him for moving on.
The Champ: Pussy never sleeps!
Lucy: ...what does that even mean in this context?
The Champ: How about I show you MY context?
Lucy: Huh?
(The Champ slips on a boxing glove and punches DJ in the gut for no reason.)
The Champ: I'M A REAL MAN.
Lucy: You might be punchy, but real men are sweet and kind...
(She stares over lovingly at Jock as he wrestles an angry cat.)
Jock: Woah there, hitty kitty!
(The Champ runs over and punches Jock in the crotch.)
The Champ: WOAH THERE, HITTY SHITTY.
(Studio audience boo.)
TO BE CONTINUED
DJ: I can't believe it's been six months!
Jock: I can't believe my Uncle Mac's about to wake up for the first times since throwing himself off the roof of the Cat Cleaning business we own!
Lucy: I can't believe I'm still friends with you crazy guys!
(Studio audience laugh and cheer. They like Lucy's new network ordered positive attitude!)
DJ: Sssh, guys, he's waking up!
(The studio audience gasp as a doctor starts to unwrap Uncle Mac's bandages...)
Lucy: What will we see beneath...
Jock: What if he looks like Hitler!?
DJ: What if he's black!?
(Studio audience laugh. Finally it is done. Uncle Mac sits up...he looks twenty years younger! He's a handsome fifty year old man! He has a beard.)
Jock: I can't believe it...he looks exactly the same!
DJ: Except for that beard!
Lucy: Better shave it!
Uncle Mac: No...I like it. It will serve as a reminder to me.
Jock: Reminding you what, Uncle Mac?
Uncle Mac: To never inject heroin directly into my eyeballs then jump off a building.
(Studio audience cheer.)
Uncle Mac: I'm only going to smoke it from now on!
(Studio audience laugh.)
Jock, DJ, Lucy: That's our crazy Uncle Mac!
NEW OPENING CREDITS with the new theme song "Friendship Is Life" play
(Inside Cat Cleaners, DJ and NEW REGULAR CAST MEMBER THE CHAMP are looking at cats.)
DJ: Champ, if you're going to work here I'm going to have to teach you how to clean cats!
Champ: I'm only here because I can't be a boxer no more because I got shot in the leg in your crazy store! You fools owe me! But I ain't doing no cat cleaning shit! That's woman's work! Which reminds me, when I'm going to get to sleep with that fineass ho Lucy?
DJ: Uhh...
Champ: Shut up! I'm only here until I lay down the lyrics for my RAP ALBUM and become a BIG RAP STAR. Now get out of my face, fool!
(The studio audience boo as The Champ stomps away. Jock pops up from behind a cat basket.)
Jock: Is he gone?
(Studio audience cheer Jock's cowardice.)
DJ: You have to get used to working with him!
Jock: His rap is bound to take off soon...
DJ: His rap is terrible!
Jock: But he's black!
DJ: I could write a better rap than him and I'm one quarter dutch!
Jock: Sssh, he might hear!
(The door opens. Jock almost jumps below the counter in fear, but it's just a HOT ASIAN GIRL.)
Hot Asian Girl: Hi! I hear you guys clean cats?
DJ: That's...
(Jock jumps in front of DJ.)
Jock: That's right, ma'am! We clean any cat NO MATTER HOW DIRTY OR SCRATCHY!
Hot Asian Girl: Good, because my grandmother has TEN dirty cats. I'll bring them in later.
Jock: Hope to see you then!
Hot Asian Girl: Not if I see you first!
(Studio audience cheer this flirting. Lucy walks in.)
Lucy: Wait, is Jock flirsting with her? But I thought...he and I...would...
DJ: You've been holding out on him for six months, Loo Loo, you can't blame him for moving on.
The Champ: Pussy never sleeps!
Lucy: ...what does that even mean in this context?
The Champ: How about I show you MY context?
Lucy: Huh?
(The Champ slips on a boxing glove and punches DJ in the gut for no reason.)
The Champ: I'M A REAL MAN.
Lucy: You might be punchy, but real men are sweet and kind...
(She stares over lovingly at Jock as he wrestles an angry cat.)
Jock: Woah there, hitty kitty!
(The Champ runs over and punches Jock in the crotch.)
The Champ: WOAH THERE, HITTY SHITTY.
(Studio audience boo.)
TO BE CONTINUED