Dr Dave And Miss Tisiphone Adler in 'THE BETTER HALF OF ME'
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
Fuddlemiff
Is this real life?
She should watch her caboose!
Fuddlemiff
Is this real life?
She should watch her caboose!
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
I walked back into the control room like a zombie. I couldn't stand to look at the smugness on Dr Dace's face, or that ninny Tisiphone. I just wanted to curl up and die. And I should have been dead, really. Dr Dace was smart enough to kill Dr Dave, so why hadn't he done the same to me? But then it dawned on me. It was because he didn't see me as a threat. And he was right not to. What could I do now but watch? The whole control room was full of Dace's many burly security guards and the devious ninja whores. All the scientists had been beaten into submission. I saw Cute Science Girl sadly working on Dr Dace's monstrous machine. His victory was inevitable.
Unless I ran over and snapped his neck. I ran right at him...but his wife the one-legged whore was there to kick me in the face. I was really getting sick of being kicked by her.
"Still fighting?" said Dr Dace, unconcerned. "You're a smart man, Wackson. You must have realised by now that it's over. JOIN ME. I could use a man of character like you in my new world order."
"I'd rather die!" I said.
"Well, you might," smiled Dr Dace. "Have you ever commited any illegal act while working with Dr Dave? My machine will kill you when active if you have."
"Certainly not!" I said. "Dr Dave would never let me compromise my beliefs."
"Well, we'll say," said Dace.
"Hang on!" I said. "If the machine kills criminals...then surely it will kill YOU! Your own creation will be your death! So you can't use it!" I felt a burst of joy. Had I stopped the genocide?
"Don't you think I'm prepared for that?" laughed Dr Dace. "The machine has been programmed not to kill anyone with my DNA. That means ME. Foolish Wackson! You are a stout fellow and I'm sure you aided Dr Dave in some ways but deduction is not your strong suit!"
"Aww, he's quite cute," said Tisiphone. "Speaking of which, your burly security guards have been so brave, Dace."
"Security guards? They're hired goons really," said Dr Dace.
"Well, either way, they expect some reward," said Tisi. "Why don't my ninja whores take them back to their rooms for some fun?"
"Okay, I see no harm in that," said Dr Dace. "It's not like there's anyone here who's a threat anymore." The each hired goon left with a ninja whore.
"The funniest thing is that all the goons will die when you turn on the machine!" said Tisi.
"SSSSSH," laughed Dace.
"You're nothing but a user," I said to Tisiphone. "You used Dr Dave for your sick thrills and now you're using all these girls."
"None of them are being forced into anything," said Tisi.
"You stand there laughing about life and death...does anything matter to you? Do you care about anything? DO YOU FEEL ANYTHING?" I screamed at her. Then Tisiphone slapped me. It wasn't as hard as I would have thought, but in my fragile state it was enough to send me to my knees.
"Why don't you crawl into the other room and wait for Dr Dave's resurrection?" said Tisi, cruelly. "It's about the only hope you have."
"Ha, good one!" said Dace. He then took the one-legged whore's arm. "Come on, babe!" They went off together for sex. I watched Tisi. She was emotionless.
"Aren't you going to have sex with someone?" I sneered.
"Maybe in here," she said, looking over at the cute scientist girl and smiling. Was there no end to her depravity? She walked over and started playing with cute scientist girl's hair. I didn't want to see it, so I took Tisis' advice and went into the other room. I collapsed on the circular platform over Dr Dav'e tomb and curled up into a ball.
"There's nothing left," I said. "Only a miracle can save the world now...and I don't believe in them anymore."
It was then that I heard a tapping from below.
TO BE CONTINUED
Unless I ran over and snapped his neck. I ran right at him...but his wife the one-legged whore was there to kick me in the face. I was really getting sick of being kicked by her.
"Still fighting?" said Dr Dace, unconcerned. "You're a smart man, Wackson. You must have realised by now that it's over. JOIN ME. I could use a man of character like you in my new world order."
"I'd rather die!" I said.
"Well, you might," smiled Dr Dace. "Have you ever commited any illegal act while working with Dr Dave? My machine will kill you when active if you have."
"Certainly not!" I said. "Dr Dave would never let me compromise my beliefs."
"Well, we'll say," said Dace.
"Hang on!" I said. "If the machine kills criminals...then surely it will kill YOU! Your own creation will be your death! So you can't use it!" I felt a burst of joy. Had I stopped the genocide?
"Don't you think I'm prepared for that?" laughed Dr Dace. "The machine has been programmed not to kill anyone with my DNA. That means ME. Foolish Wackson! You are a stout fellow and I'm sure you aided Dr Dave in some ways but deduction is not your strong suit!"
"Aww, he's quite cute," said Tisiphone. "Speaking of which, your burly security guards have been so brave, Dace."
"Security guards? They're hired goons really," said Dr Dace.
"Well, either way, they expect some reward," said Tisi. "Why don't my ninja whores take them back to their rooms for some fun?"
"Okay, I see no harm in that," said Dr Dace. "It's not like there's anyone here who's a threat anymore." The each hired goon left with a ninja whore.
"The funniest thing is that all the goons will die when you turn on the machine!" said Tisi.
"SSSSSH," laughed Dace.
"You're nothing but a user," I said to Tisiphone. "You used Dr Dave for your sick thrills and now you're using all these girls."
"None of them are being forced into anything," said Tisi.
"You stand there laughing about life and death...does anything matter to you? Do you care about anything? DO YOU FEEL ANYTHING?" I screamed at her. Then Tisiphone slapped me. It wasn't as hard as I would have thought, but in my fragile state it was enough to send me to my knees.
"Why don't you crawl into the other room and wait for Dr Dave's resurrection?" said Tisi, cruelly. "It's about the only hope you have."
"Ha, good one!" said Dace. He then took the one-legged whore's arm. "Come on, babe!" They went off together for sex. I watched Tisi. She was emotionless.
"Aren't you going to have sex with someone?" I sneered.
"Maybe in here," she said, looking over at the cute scientist girl and smiling. Was there no end to her depravity? She walked over and started playing with cute scientist girl's hair. I didn't want to see it, so I took Tisis' advice and went into the other room. I collapsed on the circular platform over Dr Dav'e tomb and curled up into a ball.
"There's nothing left," I said. "Only a miracle can save the world now...and I don't believe in them anymore."
It was then that I heard a tapping from below.
TO BE CONTINUED
headvoid
Can I have Ops?
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"I must be imagining this!" I said out loud. But the tapping persisted. Was it some cruel jape of Dace's, to trick me into thinking my friend was still alive somehow? I had to know. I ran to the control panel and hit the switch marked "ROTATE." Slowly the circular platforms began to rotate...and there was no one on it. I sighed and walked over the edge, knowing it had been too much to hope for.
I was amazed to see Dr Dave below, his palms flat against the side of the pit, holding on somehow like Spider-Man.
"If this is a dream I will kill the man who wakes me from it!" I ejaculated.
"Yes, quite," said Dr Dave. "But first could you give me a hand?" I reached down into the pit and Dr Dave reach for me hand with one of his. I felt a sticky substance on his hand. It was some kind of sticky tape! I pulled him out of the pit with some effort.
"But...but how!" was all I could say.
"Yes, it was quite brilliant, if I do say so myself," said Dr Dave.
"That tape must be super strong to have kept you stick to the wall all this time!" I said. "Why, I've never seen anything like it before...hang on! Tisiphone's CEILING TAPE! She was using it in the brothel when we went to see her!"
"That's right," smiled Dr Dave, proudly. "It should be called ALL SURFACES TAPE!"
"Ah, so you're finally up and about again," came Tisiphone's voice. I span round. She was standing in the doorway. "About time, lazy bones."
"YOU!" I said. "STEP OFF, NINNY! She's working with Dr Dace!"
"Oh, Wackson, really now, have you not figured it out yet?" asked Dr Dave. "Tisiphone and I have been working together all along. Faking my death was the key part of our plan."
"But...but the one-legged whore!" I said, weakly.
"Yes," said Tisiphone. "When I found out that the one-legged whore, my closest friend, was married to Dr Dace I knew that I'd have to pretend to join him or he would kill me. I learned what I could from going undercover, such as the schematics for this machine. As soon as I was able I let Dr Dave know that I was compromised and we hatched this plan."
"I was with you both all the time," I said, thinking. "When did you hatch this plan!?"
"Remember back in the brothel, when Gagh was there?" said Dr Dave. "Tisiphone looked over at the one-legged whore and Gagh and said that she couldn't say everything she wanted to say."
"I thought she meant because of Gagh..." said I.
"We communicated the rest in improvised code words and with looks."
"But such an involved plan..." I said.
"A lot can be said with a look," said Tisiphone. She met Dr Dave's eyes for a moment. He looked away.
"When did you give him the CEILING TAPE?" I asked.
"When she kissed me," said Dr Dave. "Remember, she said she had something to give me? She slipped me the tape. That was when I deduced the manner of Dr Dace's DEATH MACHINE."
"Oh, I thought the kiss was the thing she had to give you," I said.
"No, the kiss meant nothing," said Dr Dave. "A means to an end."
"Just you keep telling yourself that," said Tisiphone.
"Hang on," I said. "Why not let me in on this plan? Did you think I was too STUPID to understand and be able to help?"
"My dear Wackson, nothing could be further from the truth," said Dr Dave apologetically, which was a rare tone for his voice to take. "The one-legged whore was watching much of the time, so we couldn't hint at our plan. It was important she believe Tisi's cover, that she had gone over to the Dace side and was planning to betray me. If the one-legged whore had found out the truth she would have told Dace. It was also important that your reaction to my supposed death appear geuine, so that Dr Dace would be completely fool and have no doubt in his mind that he had won. I'm sorry to have had to put your through that, Wackson."
"That's okay," I said, my hurt feelings disappearing. "I understand...it can't have been easy for you, keeping me in the dark. And Tisiphone...I regret some of the things I said to you."
"Some?" asked Tisi.
"In fact I think you are the furthest thing from a ninny I have ever met," I said. She gave me a quick hug.
"Enough!" said Dr Dave. "The advantage is ours, but we must move swiftly. It is time to take Dr Dace unawares and end this madness once and for all! He pointed his umbrella at the door of the control room and we marched into war.
TO BE CONTINUED
I was amazed to see Dr Dave below, his palms flat against the side of the pit, holding on somehow like Spider-Man.
"If this is a dream I will kill the man who wakes me from it!" I ejaculated.
"Yes, quite," said Dr Dave. "But first could you give me a hand?" I reached down into the pit and Dr Dave reach for me hand with one of his. I felt a sticky substance on his hand. It was some kind of sticky tape! I pulled him out of the pit with some effort.
"But...but how!" was all I could say.
"Yes, it was quite brilliant, if I do say so myself," said Dr Dave.
"That tape must be super strong to have kept you stick to the wall all this time!" I said. "Why, I've never seen anything like it before...hang on! Tisiphone's CEILING TAPE! She was using it in the brothel when we went to see her!"
"That's right," smiled Dr Dave, proudly. "It should be called ALL SURFACES TAPE!"
"Ah, so you're finally up and about again," came Tisiphone's voice. I span round. She was standing in the doorway. "About time, lazy bones."
"YOU!" I said. "STEP OFF, NINNY! She's working with Dr Dace!"
"Oh, Wackson, really now, have you not figured it out yet?" asked Dr Dave. "Tisiphone and I have been working together all along. Faking my death was the key part of our plan."
"But...but the one-legged whore!" I said, weakly.
"Yes," said Tisiphone. "When I found out that the one-legged whore, my closest friend, was married to Dr Dace I knew that I'd have to pretend to join him or he would kill me. I learned what I could from going undercover, such as the schematics for this machine. As soon as I was able I let Dr Dave know that I was compromised and we hatched this plan."
"I was with you both all the time," I said, thinking. "When did you hatch this plan!?"
"Remember back in the brothel, when Gagh was there?" said Dr Dave. "Tisiphone looked over at the one-legged whore and Gagh and said that she couldn't say everything she wanted to say."
"I thought she meant because of Gagh..." said I.
"We communicated the rest in improvised code words and with looks."
"But such an involved plan..." I said.
"A lot can be said with a look," said Tisiphone. She met Dr Dave's eyes for a moment. He looked away.
"When did you give him the CEILING TAPE?" I asked.
"When she kissed me," said Dr Dave. "Remember, she said she had something to give me? She slipped me the tape. That was when I deduced the manner of Dr Dace's DEATH MACHINE."
"Oh, I thought the kiss was the thing she had to give you," I said.
"No, the kiss meant nothing," said Dr Dave. "A means to an end."
"Just you keep telling yourself that," said Tisiphone.
"Hang on," I said. "Why not let me in on this plan? Did you think I was too STUPID to understand and be able to help?"
"My dear Wackson, nothing could be further from the truth," said Dr Dave apologetically, which was a rare tone for his voice to take. "The one-legged whore was watching much of the time, so we couldn't hint at our plan. It was important she believe Tisi's cover, that she had gone over to the Dace side and was planning to betray me. If the one-legged whore had found out the truth she would have told Dace. It was also important that your reaction to my supposed death appear geuine, so that Dr Dace would be completely fool and have no doubt in his mind that he had won. I'm sorry to have had to put your through that, Wackson."
"That's okay," I said, my hurt feelings disappearing. "I understand...it can't have been easy for you, keeping me in the dark. And Tisiphone...I regret some of the things I said to you."
"Some?" asked Tisi.
"In fact I think you are the furthest thing from a ninny I have ever met," I said. She gave me a quick hug.
"Enough!" said Dr Dave. "The advantage is ours, but we must move swiftly. It is time to take Dr Dace unawares and end this madness once and for all! He pointed his umbrella at the door of the control room and we marched into war.
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"I assume your ninja whores are keeping Dace's hired goons busy?" asked Dr Dave. Of course! Everything was slotting into place now.
"Yes, they all have KNOCKOUTS GAS stored in their bras to knock out the goons, " said Tisiphone, proudly.
"And you are sure all the ninja whores are loyal to you and not to the one-legged whore?" asked Dave.
"Yes, I'm sure!" said Tisi, annoyed. "I mean...I'm pretty sure..."
"And the machine won't kill Dace himself?" asked Dave.
"No, it's tuned to not kill anyone with his exact DNA," said Tisi.
"What do we do now?" I asked, looking around the control room. Sadly Cute Scientist Girl was nowhere to be seen.
"As best I can tell, these computers control his brainwave detecting machine," said Tisi.
"Then I'll give them a damn good thrashing with my umbrella!" said Dr Dave.
"OH NO YOU WON'T," came a voice. And suddenly a trapdoor opened in the middle of the floor and a CHAIR raised up from it, with DR DACE sitting on the middle, wires connected to his HEAD.
"That wasn't on the blueprints!" said Tisi.
"So you're not as dumb as I first thought," said Dr Dave, with a nod of approval.
"I'll admit, I was fooled by your fake death," said Dace. "But I was ready for betrayal from Tisiphone Adler, or even from my own wife. Always be ready for betrayal...especially when there's a woman involved! Looks like I was right to not trust the double-dealing, self-serving Tisiphone Adler!"
"She was on the side of right all along, there's no double-dealing there," said Dr Dave, dismissively.
"Was she?" asked Dace. "Or did she just realise that with her own criminal past, SHE wold die when I activated my machine? Did she switch sides merely for self preservation?"
"Oh, who gives a duck!" said Dr Dave. "You're obviously just trying to stall for some reason."
"Well, you're right as always, my old friend," chuckled Dr Dace. "I was just waiting for my brain and the machine to link up correctly. That's right, fearing a betrayal from within I lied earlier about how long it would take the machine to be finished. Now witness the power of this ARMED AND FULLY OPERATIONAL BRAIN MELTING MACHINE!"
All three of us ran forward to stop him, but I was stopped by a kick to the face from Dr Dace's wife, the one-legged whore! I was getting mighty sick of her, and pulled myself up to give her a chokeslam, but found her engaged in combat with Tisiphone.
"I thought you were my friend!" said the one-legged whore.
"Your husband is a mad man who wants to carry out genocide!" said Tisiphone.
"That doesn't mean we can't be friends!" said the one-legged whore, before attempting to kick Tisi in the knee. Tisi dodged it then punched in the one legged whore in her leg stump. I turned back to Dave and Dace.
"AAAARGH," screamed Dace, with effort. "What's going on? I can't feel the brain patterns of all the world's criminals!"
"THAT'S RIGHT!" said CUTE SCIENTIST GIRL stepping into the room. "Tisiphone told me to deactivate the part of the machine that can make you feel the brain patterns of all the world's criminals, JUST IN CASE you were lying about the machine being finished!"
"So you weren't lesing out!" I said.
"Sure..." said Cute Scientist Girl.
"It's over, Dace," said Dr Dave, standing right in front of Dace.
"NO!" said Dace. "I might not be able to transmit world wide...but I can still use the machine to melt the brain of a criminal who is standing right in front of me...and YOU have commited countless criminal acts in your life, Dave, such as picking my lock earlier! Now I shall use the machine ON YOU!"
"Okay," said Dave. "Go ahead."
"What!" I said. "Dr Dave, you can't survive your brain being melted!"
"Oh but I can," said Dave, cryptically.
"DIE!" said Dr Dace. Then he looked like he was concentrating really hard, obviously operating the machine. After a moment he let out a cry of frustration. "Why didn't it kill you!"
"Tisi told me that the machine is tuned not to kill anyone with your exact DNA," said Dr Dave.
"Yes, but why...oh...no...that's not true...that's impossible!" said Dr Dace.
"Yes," said Dr Dave. "I am your identical twin brother."
TO BE CONTINUED
"Yes, they all have KNOCKOUTS GAS stored in their bras to knock out the goons, " said Tisiphone, proudly.
"And you are sure all the ninja whores are loyal to you and not to the one-legged whore?" asked Dave.
"Yes, I'm sure!" said Tisi, annoyed. "I mean...I'm pretty sure..."
"And the machine won't kill Dace himself?" asked Dave.
"No, it's tuned to not kill anyone with his exact DNA," said Tisi.
"What do we do now?" I asked, looking around the control room. Sadly Cute Scientist Girl was nowhere to be seen.
"As best I can tell, these computers control his brainwave detecting machine," said Tisi.
"Then I'll give them a damn good thrashing with my umbrella!" said Dr Dave.
"OH NO YOU WON'T," came a voice. And suddenly a trapdoor opened in the middle of the floor and a CHAIR raised up from it, with DR DACE sitting on the middle, wires connected to his HEAD.
"That wasn't on the blueprints!" said Tisi.
"So you're not as dumb as I first thought," said Dr Dave, with a nod of approval.
"I'll admit, I was fooled by your fake death," said Dace. "But I was ready for betrayal from Tisiphone Adler, or even from my own wife. Always be ready for betrayal...especially when there's a woman involved! Looks like I was right to not trust the double-dealing, self-serving Tisiphone Adler!"
"She was on the side of right all along, there's no double-dealing there," said Dr Dave, dismissively.
"Was she?" asked Dace. "Or did she just realise that with her own criminal past, SHE wold die when I activated my machine? Did she switch sides merely for self preservation?"
"Oh, who gives a duck!" said Dr Dave. "You're obviously just trying to stall for some reason."
"Well, you're right as always, my old friend," chuckled Dr Dace. "I was just waiting for my brain and the machine to link up correctly. That's right, fearing a betrayal from within I lied earlier about how long it would take the machine to be finished. Now witness the power of this ARMED AND FULLY OPERATIONAL BRAIN MELTING MACHINE!"
All three of us ran forward to stop him, but I was stopped by a kick to the face from Dr Dace's wife, the one-legged whore! I was getting mighty sick of her, and pulled myself up to give her a chokeslam, but found her engaged in combat with Tisiphone.
"I thought you were my friend!" said the one-legged whore.
"Your husband is a mad man who wants to carry out genocide!" said Tisiphone.
"That doesn't mean we can't be friends!" said the one-legged whore, before attempting to kick Tisi in the knee. Tisi dodged it then punched in the one legged whore in her leg stump. I turned back to Dave and Dace.
"AAAARGH," screamed Dace, with effort. "What's going on? I can't feel the brain patterns of all the world's criminals!"
"THAT'S RIGHT!" said CUTE SCIENTIST GIRL stepping into the room. "Tisiphone told me to deactivate the part of the machine that can make you feel the brain patterns of all the world's criminals, JUST IN CASE you were lying about the machine being finished!"
"So you weren't lesing out!" I said.
"Sure..." said Cute Scientist Girl.
"It's over, Dace," said Dr Dave, standing right in front of Dace.
"NO!" said Dace. "I might not be able to transmit world wide...but I can still use the machine to melt the brain of a criminal who is standing right in front of me...and YOU have commited countless criminal acts in your life, Dave, such as picking my lock earlier! Now I shall use the machine ON YOU!"
"Okay," said Dave. "Go ahead."
"What!" I said. "Dr Dave, you can't survive your brain being melted!"
"Oh but I can," said Dave, cryptically.
"DIE!" said Dr Dace. Then he looked like he was concentrating really hard, obviously operating the machine. After a moment he let out a cry of frustration. "Why didn't it kill you!"
"Tisi told me that the machine is tuned not to kill anyone with your exact DNA," said Dr Dave.
"Yes, but why...oh...no...that's not true...that's impossible!" said Dr Dace.
"Yes," said Dr Dave. "I am your identical twin brother."
TO BE CONTINUED
Fuddlemiff
Is this real life?
So much for my "reverse the polarity" theory!
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"Surely not!" I said. "You, and this monster are brothers!?"
"I'm afraid so," said Dr Dave, with his typical calm logic. "It's like Dr Dace said, we're not so different, him and I. It's just that all the criminal craziness went to him."
"How could you know this!" said Dr Dace.
"What's your earliest memory?" asked Dr Dave.
"I already said!" snapped Dace. "It is of watching you on the beach, showing off with your sandcastles."
"And did you never wonder who I was or why you were watching me?" asked Dr Dave.
"I just thought it was destiny!" said Dace.
"No, it was because we were identical twins on a family vacation," said Dr Dave.
"You knew this all along?" asked Dace.
"No, I pieced it together with simple deduction," said Dr Dave. "You see I spoke of the dark presence that has haunted me my whole existence. That presence being you, of course. But my memories go further back than childhood. My memories go all the way to the womb. And even there I felt your darkness watching me. So, logically, we are twin brothers. It is elementary."
"Then why don't I remember any of this, or the parents we apparently shared?" ask Dace.
"I have pondered on that," said Dr Dave. "When I was taped to the side of your death pit I finally reached the only logical conclusion. Being in that death pit reminded me of the womb and gave me something of a flashback. I remembered how I wanted to relax inside my mother but could feel evil growing around me. And I knew that you hated me, Dace, and that you would try to kill me. So I beat you to it. I strangled you to death while we were still in the womb."
"..." said Dace.
"..." said I.
"Fuck!" said Tisiphone Adler.
"Well, I tried to you anyway, obviously you survived but with some minor brain damage. Even though we are genetically the same that brain damage is probably why you don't have the recall of your early years and your time in the womb like I do. It might also be partly why you turned out insane as well as evil. In retrospect, I should have strangled you harder."
I was stunned at this speech from my friend. If this was true...maybe he and Dace were not so different after all. I shuddered. Yes he'd acted for the greater good in trying to kill his evil twin in the womb. But what else was he capable of, for the greater good?
"But I grew up without parents," said Dace. "I looked after myself!"
"Yes, our parents put you up for adoption after you killed my goldfish," said Dr Dave. "I never knew it was you until now. But I'll always remember finding its lifeless body floating in the tank. I could see that it had been tortured first. I could read it in its eyes. I vowed never to let another goldfish suffer such a fate. That was the beginning of my detective career."
"I've always enjoyed torturing fish..." said Dace. "I was never adopted though, I recall adults looking at me...rejecting me...I ran away from the adoption agency in shame and began my campaign of hatred...all because of you..."
"Guess you should have strangled me first," shrugged Dave.
"But then I wouldn't have been able to stab you now with this HIDDEN KNIFE!" said Dace, lunging forward with a hidden knife. But, quick as a flash, Dace had whipped out his HIDDEN UMBRELLA and jab it into Dace's gut. He flipped Dace completely over his head and he crashed down, badly hurt.
"It's finally over," I said, looking at Dace's motionless body.
"Yes, he'll spend the rest of his life in prison," said Dr Dave. "What a huge disappointment he turned out to be. He didn't even manage to kill any criminals, in the end, not even Gagh and Loktar. What a fucktard."
"Yes..." I said, slightly worried now. "Tisiphone knocked out the one-legged whore too."
"Good," said Dr Dave. "Hang on, where is Tisi?"
I turned round and found her gone. She had disappeared into the night.
TO BE CONTINUED
"I'm afraid so," said Dr Dave, with his typical calm logic. "It's like Dr Dace said, we're not so different, him and I. It's just that all the criminal craziness went to him."
"How could you know this!" said Dr Dace.
"What's your earliest memory?" asked Dr Dave.
"I already said!" snapped Dace. "It is of watching you on the beach, showing off with your sandcastles."
"And did you never wonder who I was or why you were watching me?" asked Dr Dave.
"I just thought it was destiny!" said Dace.
"No, it was because we were identical twins on a family vacation," said Dr Dave.
"You knew this all along?" asked Dace.
"No, I pieced it together with simple deduction," said Dr Dave. "You see I spoke of the dark presence that has haunted me my whole existence. That presence being you, of course. But my memories go further back than childhood. My memories go all the way to the womb. And even there I felt your darkness watching me. So, logically, we are twin brothers. It is elementary."
"Then why don't I remember any of this, or the parents we apparently shared?" ask Dace.
"I have pondered on that," said Dr Dave. "When I was taped to the side of your death pit I finally reached the only logical conclusion. Being in that death pit reminded me of the womb and gave me something of a flashback. I remembered how I wanted to relax inside my mother but could feel evil growing around me. And I knew that you hated me, Dace, and that you would try to kill me. So I beat you to it. I strangled you to death while we were still in the womb."
"..." said Dace.
"..." said I.
"Fuck!" said Tisiphone Adler.
"Well, I tried to you anyway, obviously you survived but with some minor brain damage. Even though we are genetically the same that brain damage is probably why you don't have the recall of your early years and your time in the womb like I do. It might also be partly why you turned out insane as well as evil. In retrospect, I should have strangled you harder."
I was stunned at this speech from my friend. If this was true...maybe he and Dace were not so different after all. I shuddered. Yes he'd acted for the greater good in trying to kill his evil twin in the womb. But what else was he capable of, for the greater good?
"But I grew up without parents," said Dace. "I looked after myself!"
"Yes, our parents put you up for adoption after you killed my goldfish," said Dr Dave. "I never knew it was you until now. But I'll always remember finding its lifeless body floating in the tank. I could see that it had been tortured first. I could read it in its eyes. I vowed never to let another goldfish suffer such a fate. That was the beginning of my detective career."
"I've always enjoyed torturing fish..." said Dace. "I was never adopted though, I recall adults looking at me...rejecting me...I ran away from the adoption agency in shame and began my campaign of hatred...all because of you..."
"Guess you should have strangled me first," shrugged Dave.
"But then I wouldn't have been able to stab you now with this HIDDEN KNIFE!" said Dace, lunging forward with a hidden knife. But, quick as a flash, Dace had whipped out his HIDDEN UMBRELLA and jab it into Dace's gut. He flipped Dace completely over his head and he crashed down, badly hurt.
"It's finally over," I said, looking at Dace's motionless body.
"Yes, he'll spend the rest of his life in prison," said Dr Dave. "What a huge disappointment he turned out to be. He didn't even manage to kill any criminals, in the end, not even Gagh and Loktar. What a fucktard."
"Yes..." I said, slightly worried now. "Tisiphone knocked out the one-legged whore too."
"Good," said Dr Dave. "Hang on, where is Tisi?"
I turned round and found her gone. She had disappeared into the night.
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"Hey, she's taken the database!" said Cute Scientist Girl.
"Which database?" asked Dr Dave
"The databased of all criminals already detected by the machine," said Cute Scientist Girl. "She took the DATA STICK containing it!"
"That was her plan all along!" said I. "She just wanted all the information on the criminals so she can blackmail them or do whatever she does...she only helped us to further her own goals!"
"Does it matter?" asked Dr Dave. He was taking this well. "Either way, she did help us. And I owe her one now. I must admit I do not like being in any man's debt. And to be in a woman's is...unthinkable. One day this debt must be paid."
The police had arrived to take Dr Dace and the One Legged Whore (and the knocked out goons, stil suffering the effects of the bra-based knockout gas) away. Dace looked almost catatonic, but as he was dragged by Dr Dave he looked up, a look of singular hatred burning in his eyes.
"This isn't over," he said. "You know this."
"Yes," said Dr Dave. "I suspected as much."
"I will return...one year from today. We will meet again, in the place of our first meeting. Scores will be settled. It will all end at last." Then Dace laughed.
"And on that day, I'll do what I should have done to you in the womb," said Dr Dave. "I'll snap your bloody neck, you villain."
Dace, still laughing, was dragged out.
"Well, I've had quite enough of that chap!" I said.
"Thank you for your help, Wackson," said Dr Dave, sincerely.
"I don't know if I've actually been any help," I said.
"Oh but you have!" said Dr Dave, grasping my arm. "You keep me grounded. Remind me of my humanity. Without you...I'd be like him."
"Don't say that!" I said. "You'd never be like him...why, you tried to kill him in the womb without me there...though I suppose that is actually the kind of thing he'd do...never mind."
Dr Dave smiled. "Go get laid, Wackson," he said. "You've long deserved it!"
"What was that?" asked Cute Scientist Girl, who had just walked over.
"Err, nothing," I said. She was so cute.
"Well, I'm going to invetigate some of the local criminals who suffered from Dace's vile machine, see if there have been any side effects," said Cute Scientist Girl. "Want to come with me?"
"No, I, err, have something to do," I said.
"MORE LIKE SOMEONE TO DO!"! said Dr Dave, more jolly than I had ever see him.
"Sssh!" I laughed. Cute Scientist Girl left and I followed. I looked back at Dr Dave as I did. He didn't look so jolly now that he thought I was gone. He looked pained. Was it Tisiphone who had hurt him again? Or was it what Dace had said? I pondered for a second, then ran off to Mollie's house to get my end away.
I ran up to her bedroom. It smelled like a girl's bedroom should. I had waited so long to sample Mollie's delights. I felt like I deserved some happiness at last. I opened her bedroom door...and found her in bed with Gagh!
"Wackson!" said Gagh. "How goes it? Did you solve the case of the...what was it again? The Dace or something? My headaches have cleared up, I should mention!"
"Oh, it's you," said Mollie.
"So when you said you had someone to meet, you meant her," I said to Gagh.
"Of course!" said Gagh. "We'd met earlier and planned to play Mario Kart together. One thing led to another..."
"You were taking so long," shrugged Mollie. "I have needs too."
"No," I said. "No need to apologise..."
"I didn't," said Mollie, coldly.
"It's fine, it's fine," I said. "I'LL JUST GO SLEEP WITH MY WIFE."
I ran to my own home. Maybe this was a good thing. I'd been neglecting my wife. She was quite lovely, in a frumpy way. I'd make love to her like never before, put the spark back into our marriage!
I ran into our bedroom and found her in bed with Inspect Tomtrek of the Yard.
"WHAT!" I said.
"Oh, Wackson, umm, hi," said Tomtrek. "You were taking so long and we'd watched every Dawn episode..."
"I can't believe this!" I said.
"Oh come on," said my wife. "I've known you've been planning to get off with that Mollie tart for weeks."
"I don't deserve this!" I said.
"Yes you do," she said.
"Well...maybe," I said. "BUT I'M STILL ANGRY!"
I stormed out. There was nobody left, unless...Cute Scientist Girl! She was looking into the criminals with headaches. Maybe even into Loktar...I ran to his bench.
"I've changed my mind, I want you!" I said, as I saw her sitting on the bench...but as I ran closer I saw she was tickling Loktar behind the knees.
"DON'T STOP!" said Loktar.
"You're so cute!" she said to him. "Oh, hi Wackson...why are you crying?"
"It's...it's nothing," I said, walking away sadly.
"Okay!" she said, then started making out with Loktar.
I had come to the conclusion that I was never going to get laid.
TO BE CONCLUDED IN A SHOCKING EPILOGUE SET ONE YEAR IN THE FUTURE
"Which database?" asked Dr Dave
"The databased of all criminals already detected by the machine," said Cute Scientist Girl. "She took the DATA STICK containing it!"
"That was her plan all along!" said I. "She just wanted all the information on the criminals so she can blackmail them or do whatever she does...she only helped us to further her own goals!"
"Does it matter?" asked Dr Dave. He was taking this well. "Either way, she did help us. And I owe her one now. I must admit I do not like being in any man's debt. And to be in a woman's is...unthinkable. One day this debt must be paid."
The police had arrived to take Dr Dace and the One Legged Whore (and the knocked out goons, stil suffering the effects of the bra-based knockout gas) away. Dace looked almost catatonic, but as he was dragged by Dr Dave he looked up, a look of singular hatred burning in his eyes.
"This isn't over," he said. "You know this."
"Yes," said Dr Dave. "I suspected as much."
"I will return...one year from today. We will meet again, in the place of our first meeting. Scores will be settled. It will all end at last." Then Dace laughed.
"And on that day, I'll do what I should have done to you in the womb," said Dr Dave. "I'll snap your bloody neck, you villain."
Dace, still laughing, was dragged out.
"Well, I've had quite enough of that chap!" I said.
"Thank you for your help, Wackson," said Dr Dave, sincerely.
"I don't know if I've actually been any help," I said.
"Oh but you have!" said Dr Dave, grasping my arm. "You keep me grounded. Remind me of my humanity. Without you...I'd be like him."
"Don't say that!" I said. "You'd never be like him...why, you tried to kill him in the womb without me there...though I suppose that is actually the kind of thing he'd do...never mind."
Dr Dave smiled. "Go get laid, Wackson," he said. "You've long deserved it!"
"What was that?" asked Cute Scientist Girl, who had just walked over.
"Err, nothing," I said. She was so cute.
"Well, I'm going to invetigate some of the local criminals who suffered from Dace's vile machine, see if there have been any side effects," said Cute Scientist Girl. "Want to come with me?"
"No, I, err, have something to do," I said.
"MORE LIKE SOMEONE TO DO!"! said Dr Dave, more jolly than I had ever see him.
"Sssh!" I laughed. Cute Scientist Girl left and I followed. I looked back at Dr Dave as I did. He didn't look so jolly now that he thought I was gone. He looked pained. Was it Tisiphone who had hurt him again? Or was it what Dace had said? I pondered for a second, then ran off to Mollie's house to get my end away.
I ran up to her bedroom. It smelled like a girl's bedroom should. I had waited so long to sample Mollie's delights. I felt like I deserved some happiness at last. I opened her bedroom door...and found her in bed with Gagh!
"Wackson!" said Gagh. "How goes it? Did you solve the case of the...what was it again? The Dace or something? My headaches have cleared up, I should mention!"
"Oh, it's you," said Mollie.
"So when you said you had someone to meet, you meant her," I said to Gagh.
"Of course!" said Gagh. "We'd met earlier and planned to play Mario Kart together. One thing led to another..."
"You were taking so long," shrugged Mollie. "I have needs too."
"No," I said. "No need to apologise..."
"I didn't," said Mollie, coldly.
"It's fine, it's fine," I said. "I'LL JUST GO SLEEP WITH MY WIFE."
I ran to my own home. Maybe this was a good thing. I'd been neglecting my wife. She was quite lovely, in a frumpy way. I'd make love to her like never before, put the spark back into our marriage!
I ran into our bedroom and found her in bed with Inspect Tomtrek of the Yard.
"WHAT!" I said.
"Oh, Wackson, umm, hi," said Tomtrek. "You were taking so long and we'd watched every Dawn episode..."
"I can't believe this!" I said.
"Oh come on," said my wife. "I've known you've been planning to get off with that Mollie tart for weeks."
"I don't deserve this!" I said.
"Yes you do," she said.
"Well...maybe," I said. "BUT I'M STILL ANGRY!"
I stormed out. There was nobody left, unless...Cute Scientist Girl! She was looking into the criminals with headaches. Maybe even into Loktar...I ran to his bench.
"I've changed my mind, I want you!" I said, as I saw her sitting on the bench...but as I ran closer I saw she was tickling Loktar behind the knees.
"DON'T STOP!" said Loktar.
"You're so cute!" she said to him. "Oh, hi Wackson...why are you crying?"
"It's...it's nothing," I said, walking away sadly.
"Okay!" she said, then started making out with Loktar.
I had come to the conclusion that I was never going to get laid.
TO BE CONCLUDED IN A SHOCKING EPILOGUE SET ONE YEAR IN THE FUTURE
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
It is with a heavy heart that I take up my keyboard to write these the last words in which I shall ever record the singular gifts by which my friend Dr Dave was distinguished. It was one year to the day exactly from when he had defeated his twin brother Dr Dace. Dr Dave and I were sitting in his study, engaged in a heated game of Mario Tennis on Nintendo 64, when there was a knock on the door. Dr Dave gave me a look before answering. A lad handed him a letter then ran off. Dr Dave appeared to know what it said without reading it.
"So it is time," he said.
"You don't mean..." I began. But then the telephone rang and Dr Dave answered.
"Yes, hello inspector Tomtrek, I knew it would be you," he said. "Yes, of course he's broken out of prison...and he broke his wife the one-legged whore out as well. I see. Thank you. I know what I must do." Then he opened the letter.
"Dr Dace," I said. "He wants to meet with you."
"As he said a year ago, on the stage of our first meeting," said Dr Dave. "The beach. But this letter has one word written on it." He held it up to me.
"HIGHER!" I read aloud. "What does that mean?"
"You'll see when we get there," said Dr Dave. "We must away."
"Shouldn't you tell Inspector Tomtrek where he is, so Dace can be arrested again?" I asked.
"No, Wackson," said Dr Dave, sadly. "There's only one way this can end."
As we left the aparment, Dr Dave suddenly turned and ran back in. "Won't be a minute!" he said. He returned to me and we headed to the beach. It was empty, for it was winter and beaches were falling out of favour at any rate.
"I don't see what he meant by higher..." I said.
"Look over there," said Dr Dave.
"Oh," I said, spotting a cliffface higher above. I thought I could see a single figure standing at the top.
"Follow me, but not all the way up," said Dr Dave, as we headed up the winding path. It was perilous, but the the only way up. Below as the sea and around the cliff jagged rocks. Eventually we stopped.
"Why aren't we going all the way?" I asked.
"I am," he said. "But you cannot. He will flee if I do not come alone. I must face him down. I must wipe his evil from the face of the Earth."
"Give him a good thrashing!" I said. But my friend's face we grim.
"We had some good times, didn't we Wackson?" he asked. "Recall the case of Henoch's missing feet."
"Turns out he sawed them off himself," I reminisced. "But he was jolly grateful for that metal pair you fashioned for him!"
"I couldn't have done it without your medical help," said Dr Dave. "You have been invaluable to me all these years...my friend."
"And for many years to come, I hope!" said I.
"Wackson...I must go. Think of me...often," said Dr Dave. And he headed up the path. I went up a few steps after him, hoping to at least be able to watch what happened. I found a vantage point from which I could see the top of the cliff. I saw Dr Dave arrive. Then Dr Dace stepped into view. The sight of him, even from such a distance, sent chills down my spine. I craned my neck to see what happened next. They did not appear to say anything to each other. Instead they were suddenly locked in combat! They struggled for control, and soon were grappling at the very edge of the cliff! If they fell from there, they would both surely perish on the rocks below. I could not let that happen. I took a step forward...
...and out of nowhere was hit with a kick to the face. It was that vile one-legged whore!
"My husband will kill yours!" she spat. She launched another kick at me...but this time I caught her by the foot. Then, with no regret, I hurled her off the edge of the cliff. She sailed clean over the rocks and landed in the see. I did not know if she lived or died. Nor did I particularly care.
I looked back up the top now...but both figuers were gone! I ran up the path. There was no way they could have come down...except over the edge. Surely Dr Dave was hiding somewhere? I looked around, but could not see him. Dreading what I would find, I looked over the edge. A pair of trousers lay tattered on the rocks below. They were Dace's trousers! I could tell from the garish colour. But there was something else with them...an umbrella. Dr Dave's umbrella.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" I cried.
My journey home way a blur. I made my way sadly up to Dr Dave's flat. Part of me wanted to think he'd be there waiting for me, that it was all some huge jape. But I found his apartment empty...other than a letter on the mantelpiece! Dr Dave must have left it, he must be alive still, I thought...then recalled him returning to apartment for a minute when we had been leaving. I opened the letter, my bally hands shaking. I read it.
"My dear Wackson, I leave this letter for you knowing that to end the threat of Dr Dace forever I have had to give my own life. I am pleased to think that I shall be able to free society from any further effects of his presence, though I fear that it is at a cost which will give pain to my friends, and especially, my dear Wackson, to you. Tell Inspector Tomtrek that the papers which he needs to convict the gang are in pigeonhole D., done up in a blue envelope and inscribed "Dace." You are the finest man I have evern known, Wackson. Pray give my greetings to Mrs. Wackson and Mollie, and believe me to be, my dear fellow,
Very sincerely yours,
Dr Dave"
A few words may suffice to tell the little that remains. An examination by experts leaves little doubt that a personal contest between the two men ended, as it could hardly fail to end in such a situation, in their reeling over, locked in each other's arms. Any attempt at recovering the bodies was absolutely hopeless, and there, deep down in that dreadful caldron of swirling water and seething foam, will lie for all time the most dangerous criminal and the foremost champion of the law of their generation. I hope that my account of these events can somehow do justice to whom I shall ever regard as the best and the wisest man I have ever known.
THE END
"So it is time," he said.
"You don't mean..." I began. But then the telephone rang and Dr Dave answered.
"Yes, hello inspector Tomtrek, I knew it would be you," he said. "Yes, of course he's broken out of prison...and he broke his wife the one-legged whore out as well. I see. Thank you. I know what I must do." Then he opened the letter.
"Dr Dace," I said. "He wants to meet with you."
"As he said a year ago, on the stage of our first meeting," said Dr Dave. "The beach. But this letter has one word written on it." He held it up to me.
"HIGHER!" I read aloud. "What does that mean?"
"You'll see when we get there," said Dr Dave. "We must away."
"Shouldn't you tell Inspector Tomtrek where he is, so Dace can be arrested again?" I asked.
"No, Wackson," said Dr Dave, sadly. "There's only one way this can end."
As we left the aparment, Dr Dave suddenly turned and ran back in. "Won't be a minute!" he said. He returned to me and we headed to the beach. It was empty, for it was winter and beaches were falling out of favour at any rate.
"I don't see what he meant by higher..." I said.
"Look over there," said Dr Dave.
"Oh," I said, spotting a cliffface higher above. I thought I could see a single figure standing at the top.
"Follow me, but not all the way up," said Dr Dave, as we headed up the winding path. It was perilous, but the the only way up. Below as the sea and around the cliff jagged rocks. Eventually we stopped.
"Why aren't we going all the way?" I asked.
"I am," he said. "But you cannot. He will flee if I do not come alone. I must face him down. I must wipe his evil from the face of the Earth."
"Give him a good thrashing!" I said. But my friend's face we grim.
"We had some good times, didn't we Wackson?" he asked. "Recall the case of Henoch's missing feet."
"Turns out he sawed them off himself," I reminisced. "But he was jolly grateful for that metal pair you fashioned for him!"
"I couldn't have done it without your medical help," said Dr Dave. "You have been invaluable to me all these years...my friend."
"And for many years to come, I hope!" said I.
"Wackson...I must go. Think of me...often," said Dr Dave. And he headed up the path. I went up a few steps after him, hoping to at least be able to watch what happened. I found a vantage point from which I could see the top of the cliff. I saw Dr Dave arrive. Then Dr Dace stepped into view. The sight of him, even from such a distance, sent chills down my spine. I craned my neck to see what happened next. They did not appear to say anything to each other. Instead they were suddenly locked in combat! They struggled for control, and soon were grappling at the very edge of the cliff! If they fell from there, they would both surely perish on the rocks below. I could not let that happen. I took a step forward...
...and out of nowhere was hit with a kick to the face. It was that vile one-legged whore!
"My husband will kill yours!" she spat. She launched another kick at me...but this time I caught her by the foot. Then, with no regret, I hurled her off the edge of the cliff. She sailed clean over the rocks and landed in the see. I did not know if she lived or died. Nor did I particularly care.
I looked back up the top now...but both figuers were gone! I ran up the path. There was no way they could have come down...except over the edge. Surely Dr Dave was hiding somewhere? I looked around, but could not see him. Dreading what I would find, I looked over the edge. A pair of trousers lay tattered on the rocks below. They were Dace's trousers! I could tell from the garish colour. But there was something else with them...an umbrella. Dr Dave's umbrella.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" I cried.
My journey home way a blur. I made my way sadly up to Dr Dave's flat. Part of me wanted to think he'd be there waiting for me, that it was all some huge jape. But I found his apartment empty...other than a letter on the mantelpiece! Dr Dave must have left it, he must be alive still, I thought...then recalled him returning to apartment for a minute when we had been leaving. I opened the letter, my bally hands shaking. I read it.
"My dear Wackson, I leave this letter for you knowing that to end the threat of Dr Dace forever I have had to give my own life. I am pleased to think that I shall be able to free society from any further effects of his presence, though I fear that it is at a cost which will give pain to my friends, and especially, my dear Wackson, to you. Tell Inspector Tomtrek that the papers which he needs to convict the gang are in pigeonhole D., done up in a blue envelope and inscribed "Dace." You are the finest man I have evern known, Wackson. Pray give my greetings to Mrs. Wackson and Mollie, and believe me to be, my dear fellow,
Very sincerely yours,
Dr Dave"
A few words may suffice to tell the little that remains. An examination by experts leaves little doubt that a personal contest between the two men ended, as it could hardly fail to end in such a situation, in their reeling over, locked in each other's arms. Any attempt at recovering the bodies was absolutely hopeless, and there, deep down in that dreadful caldron of swirling water and seething foam, will lie for all time the most dangerous criminal and the foremost champion of the law of their generation. I hope that my account of these events can somehow do justice to whom I shall ever regard as the best and the wisest man I have ever known.
THE END
