Eastenders Live Episode Script

[Gagh]

COPPER; Right, it's time to REVEAL THE MURDERER!

(She switches the lights off)

(She switches the lights back on)

COPPER: It was RICKY all along!

RICKY: Leave it aaaaaaaht you slaaaaaaaaaaaag, I weren't nuffin' to do wiv me!

ALL; Naaaaaah, Leave it aaaaaaaht!

COPPER: OK, then, I can now REVEAL THE MURDERER TO INSTEAD BE...

(She switches the lights off)

(She switches the lights back on)

COPPER: DOT COTTON!!!!

DOT: Oooooh mah giddy aunt, oooooh no his lordship above wouldn't allow it!

ALL: Naaaaaaaah, Leave it aaaaaaaaht!

COPPER: Bah! I can now REVEAL THE MURDERER TO BE....

(She switches the lights off)

(She switches the lights back on)

COPPER; It was Wellard!

ALL: Oh shit, this is boring. Let's go home. Captain Wacky could write a better script than this.

COPPER: Why did I switch the lights on and off all the time anyway?

POIROT: Eh-oh, ma cherie, I can instead reveal ze murderer to be....

ALL: SHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT IT YOU SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!


(Same episode to be repeated as a new episode 4 times a week).

 

[Fuddlemiff]

MAKE MINE A DOUBLE

 

[Fuddlemiff]

MIND THE FORT, WILL YA?

 

[Fuddlemiff]

LAST OF THE BIG SPENDERS, EH?

 

[Fuddlemiff]

GET OUTTA MY PUB!!

 

[Fuddlemiff]

YOU'VE GOT A LOTTA FRONT SHOWIN YER FACE AROUND 'ERE, AVANTCHA?!

 

[Fuddlemiff]

[SOUND OF TRAIN PASSING OVER OUT-OF-SHOT BRIDGE]

 

[whisky]

do what? leave it out, knock it on the ed

 

[Fuddlemiff]

C'MON, I'M DYING OF FIRST, ERE!

 

[Fuddlemiff]

WE NEED A TWELFTH MAN OUT 'ERE, C'MOOOOOOON! LESS BE AVINYA!!!

 

[Fuddlemiff]

YEAH? WATCHOO LOOKIN AT?

 

[Gagh]

I'LL 'AVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

 

[Fuddlemiff]

LAST OF THE BIG SPENDERS, EH?

 

[Fuddlemiff]

FAAAAAMMMMLLLEEEEEEEE

 

[headvoid]

Didcha? Didcha?

Naaah, e woz raaand here earlier, sed he wasnn having anyfing to do wiv you lot.

 

[Fuddlemiff]

YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO ANSWER FOR, AINTCHA?

 

[The Tomtrek]

I hope Zoe Slater comes back in a flying bus.

 

[CaptainWacky]

ZOE: YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER.

THAT HIDEOUS ORANGE WOMAN: YES I AM AND THAT'S NOT YOUR FLYING BUS!

 

[Fuddlemiff]

HE WILL KNOCK FOUR TIMES, INNIT?

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Gordon Brown walks into the Queen Vic. Everyone groans a bit.)

Peggy: 'ere, what are you doing 'ere?

Brown: Haha, I am just here to show what an ordinary bloke I am by having a pint with you salt of the Earth types. I used to be quite the drinker in my day.

Pat Butcher: I know who I'm voting for!

Teenage Girl Character: I'm not convinced. My dad used to rape me and you look a bit like him.

Brown: I like the Artic Monkeys and Lady GooGoo!

Teenage Girl Character: I'm sold!

(David Cameron walks in. Everyone groans a bit.)

Peggy: 'ere, what are yo doing 'ere?

Cameron: Haha, I'm just here to show what an ordinary bloke I am by having a pint with you salt of the Earth types. And because legally the BBC have to include me if they're going to have BOTTLER BROWN on.

Ian Beale: I've always been a tory, me!

Token Gay Character: I'm not convinced. I want to marry my partner, who isn't in this scene because he's only a recurring guest star.

Cameron: You can get married under a Conservative government!

Token Gay Character: Didn't you vote AGAINST gay marriage?

Cameron: ...I like The Stereophonics!

Teenage Girl Character: I'm sold!

(Everyone laughs and Brown and Cameron hug.)

Brown: Hey, what about the Lib Dem leader?

Peggy: Wacky doesn't know who that is!

(Everyone laughs. Suddenly a guy who looks quite a big like Nick Griffin but isn't Nick Griffin because he wouldn't agree to appear walks in.)

Peggy: GET OWT OF MAH PUB!

DUFF DUFF DUFF DUFF DUFF DUFFY