god questions

[Donovan]

Being that it's almost zombie-jesus day and everybody in the western world seems to be asking for prayers or thanking God for favors received on my fucking Facebook page, the following questions occur to me. Feel free to add your own God Questions:

1. If a person thanks God for saving him from a horrible accident that narrowly missed his car and mangled several others....what did those other people do to piss God off?


2. If a person undergoing serious medical emergency or lifethreatening illness asks for prayers and is promised them but dies anyway, does that mean the request sucked, the prayers sucked or just that God didn't give a shit?

3. If a person wastes perfectly good prayers on a person who dies, does he or she get a refund, or credit toward the next medical emergency?

4. If the prayers were good and the request was good but the person dies, does the dead person have legal recourse for breach of promise? Can God be sued in absentia?

5. If a request for prayers was good, the prayers were good, and God answers those prayers allowing the person to live, BUT the recovered person forgets to thank God for blessings received: does God mangle them in a car accident the next day?

6. If people dying means that God is calling them home, wouldn't a miracle recovery just mean God doesn't want to be bothered with you?

7. If dying means being closer to God, wouldn't praying for recovery be the same as telling God to fuck Himself?

8. If all death and illness is God's will, and people successfully pray for recovery, who are they REALLY asking for help?

These are things I wonder about...

 

[jack]

I deleted my facebook account

 

[Donovan]

Yeah?

 

[jack]

yep, they keep it for two weeks and then supposedly delete everything. You shouldn't be able to access anything of mine in there at this point.

 

[Donovan]

I didn't notice, but it appears to be gone. Got sick of it?

 

['Gear]

The original Hebrew term, satan, is a noun from a verb meaning primarily to, “obstruct, oppose,” as it is found in Numbers 22:22, 1 Samuel 29:4, Psalms 109:6.

Ha-Satan is traditionally translated as “the accuser,” or “the adversary.” The definite article “ha-”, English “the”, is used to show that this is a title bestowed on a being, versus the name of a being. Thus this being would be referred to as “the Satan.

So Donovan is like Satan.

Happy Easter!

 

['Gear]

Oh and what about when Herodotus said -

"Seest thou how God with his lightning smites always the bigger animals, and will not suffer them to wax insolent, while those of a lesser bulk chafe him not? How likewise his bolts fall ever on the highest houses and the tallest trees? So plainly does He love to bring down everything that exalts itself. Thus ofttimes a mighty host is discomfited by a few men, when God in his jealousy sends fear or storm from heaven, and they perish in a way unworthy of them. For God allows no one to have high thoughts but Himself."

I hope god doesn't smite Donovan.

[Note: I added the last bit. So far as I know Herodotus didn't know Donovan. And who knows? They might have gotten along just fine.]

 

[Donovan]

So Donovan is like Satan.

If I had a nickel for every time somebody said that...

 

[cakewalk]

If God is great and God is good, why on God's green earth are there an estimated 925 million people worldwide with insufficient food for which to be thankful?

A loving, universal, all-knowing God would have fashioned us mere mortals to be more generous and resourceful with what the earth produces bountifully, I think. So, maybe there is no universal God looking out for the best interests of every individual and humankind as a whole? Or, perhaps this God really does exist and she's a fickle power-tripper with an extremely wicked sense of humor? Or? Or? Or? Open.

Thank the Lord for Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs - heavenly.

 

['Gear]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infinite_Monkey_Theorem

 

['Gear]

If I had a nickel for every time somebody said that...

Sheds an interesting few rays on the idea of a Devil's Advocate. Who I imagine like a lawyer. The Adversary's Advocate.

I read "The Adversary" (from a scriptural standpoint) as a sort of skunkworks wing of God's operation. Adversarial toward humanity at large. Not adversarial toward God. So we're talking about that guy's lawyer? Jesus Colloquial Christ.

Rambling off on a tangent I know.

 

[Sir Sacrifyx]

"I hope your good friday went better than mine!" -Jesus

 

['Gear]

Can you get my other hand? -Jesus

 

[Loktar]

Being that it's almost zombie-jesus day and everybody in the western world seems to be asking for prayers or thanking God for favors received on my fucking Facebook page, the following questions occur to me. Feel free to add your own God Questions:

1. If a person thanks God for saving him from a horrible accident that narrowly missed his car and mangled several others....what did those other people do to piss God off?


2. If a person undergoing serious medical emergency or lifethreatening illness asks for prayers and is promised them but dies anyway, does that mean the request sucked, the prayers sucked or just that God didn't give a shit?

3. If a person wastes perfectly good prayers on a person who dies, does he or she get a refund, or credit toward the next medical emergency?

4. If the prayers were good and the request was good but the person dies, does the dead person have legal recourse for breach of promise? Can God be sued in absentia?

5. If a request for prayers was good, the prayers were good, and God answers those prayers allowing the person to live, BUT the recovered person forgets to thank God for blessings received: does God mangle them in a car accident the next day?

6. If people dying means that God is calling them home, wouldn't a miracle recovery just mean God doesn't want to be bothered with you?

7. If dying means being closer to God, wouldn't praying for recovery be the same as telling God to fuck Himself?

8. If all death and illness is God's will, and people successfully pray for recovery, who are they REALLY asking for help?

These are things I wonder about...

If you have faith in God...you already have all the answers to these questions.

 

['Gear]

You know how it goes - faith=absence of reason/reason=absence of faith

 

[Loktar]

You know how it goes - faith=absence of reason/reason=absence of faith

Sounds about right. My momma always said I haven't got alot of common sense and reason.

 

[jack]

it was the end of the world and the fate of the universe was to be decided by a programming contest between Jesus and Satan, which was to be judged by God.

So they got to work on their code. They both typed away constantly without sleep or nourishment and they both compiled programs which they thought were worth the ownership of a fresh new universe.

So God came in, and the skies shook and lightning fell and the screens went blank. God walked over to Satan first, and Satan turned his computer back on, and the file was gone. Satan managed to scrounge up an older program, but didn't really do so well. Then God walked over to Jesus' computer, who popped in a floppy and then ran a magnificient program. It was a graphics editor, it was an e-mail program, it was a web browser, it did all sorts of stuff, but without being bloated. So Jesus won the contest.

Afterwards, as Jesus' realm descended upon the world, Satan asked what had happened.

"Well it's very simple," God replied. "Jesus saves."

 

[jack]

Two Jewish guys were walking downtown when they come across a sign that is in front of a Catholic church that says:

"Conversions guaranteed, $500 rewarded at conversion, $500 if we fail."

So one Jew looks at the other and says "Why don't you go in and get the money?"

So the other Jew goes into the church. After about 15 minutes, he comes out with a smile on his face.

"Well, how did it go?"

"I'm saved by Jesus and the Church, and I have $500."

So the Jewish fella says, "Well, since it was my idea for you to go in, you should give me half."

A scowl comes across the newly converted Catholic's face.

"I've been Catholic for 5 minutes and I already hate you fucking Jews."

 

[jack]

Three nuns died and were waiting outside the gates of heaven when they were greeted by St. Peter.

He said, "We have a new policy for nuns here. You must correctly answer a scripture question before we can let you in." This made the nuns very nervous as they tried to recall their teachings but there was no choice.

St Peter asked the first nun the first question: "Who was the first man on earth?". The first nun was worried that it was a trick but nervously answered, "Well, er, that's easy. It was Adam."

And the choir sang, the horns blew and the gates swung open for her entry.

St Peter asked the second nun: "Who was the first woman on earth?". She nervously answered, "Well, er, that's easy. It was Eve."

And the choir sang, the horns blew and the gates swung open for her entry.

St Peter asked the third nun: "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?". The third nun thought and thought and with great despair answered, "Oh my, that's a hard one"

And the choir sang, the horns blew ....................................

 

[jack]

This thread gives me a resurrection.