Gwyneth Paltrow

[The Tomtrek]

She just knows that jewish girls are hotter (DOES SHE HAVE A GIRL? THE NAMES ARE NO HELP AT ALL!).

 

[CaptainWacky]

Yeah that's literally the reason!

 

[SAUSAGEMAN]

@GwynethPaltrow: Who do I have to bang to get an advance copy of the new @coldplay album? I mean, really.

 

[CaptainWacky]

FOLLOWING.

 

[SAUSAGEMAN]

"Sometimes it’s hard being with someone for a long time. We go through periods that aren’t all rosy. I always say, life is long and you never know what’s going to happen. If, God forbid, we were ever not to be together, I respect him so much as the father of my children. Like, I made such a good choice. He’s such a good dad."

(Guess who's getting a divorce, soon.)

 

[CaptainWacky]

Should have given her that advance copy...

 

[SAUSAGEMAN]

Wacky, did you write this?

@GwynethPaltrow: My girl Lea is smokin' on the cover of Bazaar. I love a hot half jew.

 

[SAUSAGEMAN]

(The picture in question, for purposes of science.)

 

[CaptainWacky]

Everyone loves a hot half jew. It's just trendsetters like me and Gwyneth who'll come out and say it.

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

I think what she really loves are drag queens.

 

[SAUSAGEMAN]

Time to clean your colon!

After weeks of holiday excess, no doubt your colon is in dreadful shape, all impacted and cluttered and unfit for polite company. Thankfully there is no reason why your lower intestinal tract should not enjoy the same simple, ridiculously expensive luxuries that Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP lifestyle program regularly recommends for all her darling, mewling urchins, who would otherwise flail about helplessly in their discarded Cheez-It box mountains, blinded by the rainbow chip frosting streaks clotting their eyes. Especially not in this, the Newest Of Years, and especially not when Paltrow has finally taken GOOP at its most literal meaning by packaging her $425 “GOOP Cleanse” (cheekily listed under GOOP's "Make" directory) which will, according to GOOP-endorsed physician Dr. Alejandro Junger M.D., “give your digestive system a break” from all that digestion it was designed to do, and allow your stomach to relax and maybe concentrate on something more productive, such as learning to give you Shiatsu massage from the inside.

The goop Cleanse

Next week, when it’s back to the grind with work and the daily school run, I’m starting off with Clean, my go-to cleanse from Dr. Alejandro Junger, with whom goop has partnered for the month of January. I’ve used Clean in the past with great results, losing a few pounds and kickstarting a healthier and more energetic New Year. This month, I’ll be doing it along with members of the goop team and we hope you will too. And, it goes without saying, but be sure to check with your doctor before getting started!

Love,
gp

 

[SAUSAGEMAN]

HOLLYWOOD super chef Gwyneth Paltrow shocked viewers by telling Jonathan Ross: “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can” on stage this week.

“I drink constantly while I’m cooking,” she says. “Wine, either colour.”

 

[CaptainWacky]

She's a legend.

 

[FBI parte due]

Sardy used to love to post about colon cleansing, too.

Maybe having a beautiful colon is the real secret to success in Hollywood.

 

[FBI parte due]

.

 

[CaptainWacky]

I'm sure we all remember SUPERNATURAL TV SHOW!

 

[Gagh]

I have decided to be rabidly pro Paltrow. I will excuse any silly thing she says with "she's right!"

Just quoting this, because it is a lovely pic.

 

[CaptainWacky]

That's what Goop Cleanse does for you.

 

[jack]

 

[CaptainWacky]

The part where the top of her skull was cut open was better.