The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
LULZY!
Troll Kingdom
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Nascent Drama
- Thread starter Bickendan
- Start date
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
GUNZ, GURlZ, N GAWD
Formerly 8====D of teh day!
Formerly 8====D of teh day!
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 01/29/08
She met him at the door in the school-girl outfit. She knew he loved that.
Her tongue was exploring his and her fingers testing his trousers before the dead-bolt even hit home.
"Did you do it?" She whispered softly in his ear as she stroked his cock.
"God yes baby...anything for you..."
She bit his neck, placing his hand firmly on her right breast.
"Did you kill them baby?"
"YESSSSSSSSS"
"How many baby? All but one?"
"Yes baby yes! All but one. Just like you said."
She was stroking him faster now; as he kissed her nipples.
Sliding
his fingers
u
n
d
e
r
her
panties
"Where is he?"
"In the basement. Just like you said. Bound and gagged."
"OH GOD! MMMMMM Is it the boss baby?"
"No. The boss’s son."
She stops. She pushes him away with a disgusted grunt.
"The new guy hit the boss by mistake. I took care of it."
"FUCK! You got his kid tho?" She lights up a Camel and turns on the tube.
"Yeah was home from that upstate boarding school." He zips himself up and grabs a beer from the fridge.
"You at least have my money. Otherwise you wouldn't have the balls to come back."
"You really think I'm that fucking stupid? Jesus Sarah! I have your money, your drugs, AND I got some new guns for the boys. Give your man a little credit."
She turns off the TV and looks at him, smiling.
"The boys do love their guns... Come sit by me. I'll tell you what you'll do to him later."
He puts the beer down. She straddles him, grinding his cock as she whispers her instructions in his ear...
She met him at the door in the school-girl outfit. She knew he loved that.
Her tongue was exploring his and her fingers testing his trousers before the dead-bolt even hit home.
"Did you do it?" She whispered softly in his ear as she stroked his cock.
"God yes baby...anything for you..."
She bit his neck, placing his hand firmly on her right breast.
"Did you kill them baby?"
"YESSSSSSSSS"
"How many baby? All but one?"
"Yes baby yes! All but one. Just like you said."
She was stroking him faster now; as he kissed her nipples.
Sliding
his fingers
u
n
d
e
r
her
panties
"Where is he?"
"In the basement. Just like you said. Bound and gagged."
"OH GOD! MMMMMM Is it the boss baby?"
"No. The boss’s son."
She stops. She pushes him away with a disgusted grunt.
"The new guy hit the boss by mistake. I took care of it."
"FUCK! You got his kid tho?" She lights up a Camel and turns on the tube.
"Yeah was home from that upstate boarding school." He zips himself up and grabs a beer from the fridge.
"You at least have my money. Otherwise you wouldn't have the balls to come back."
"You really think I'm that fucking stupid? Jesus Sarah! I have your money, your drugs, AND I got some new guns for the boys. Give your man a little credit."
She turns off the TV and looks at him, smiling.
"The boys do love their guns... Come sit by me. I'll tell you what you'll do to him later."
He puts the beer down. She straddles him, grinding his cock as she whispers her instructions in his ear...
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of the Day 01/30/08
The boy sat there tied to a chair. He managed find some troubled sleep after a few hours, despite the urine stain in his slacks.
Sudden light hit his eyes like a splash of cold water as the hood was jerked off his head.
"Oh look, he pissed himself!" The first voice was obviously male.
"That gets me hot! Look how scared he is." This was unmistakably a girl's voice. His eyes were still adjusting; but she didn't look much older than the boy himself.
The man's face suddenly filled his entire field of vision. He could almost be considered handsome; except for the scars and the teeth.
"Hi kid! Sorry we had to keep you down here like this, but you know how it is. How old are you, anyway? 14?"
"15. How much do you want? I'm sure you know who my dad is..."
"Your dad is dead. Your dad pissed off my lady friend here. So now he's rotting in the bottom of a lime pit along with everyone he's ever known."
The man with the scars slapped him, while the girl lit a cigarette.
"Everyone who worked for him, all his friends, all his family. All dead. Except you. Do you know why we saved you?"
"So you can fuck that jailbait crack-ho?" The kid laughs defiantly. In his short life, he'd seen every cruelty men could inflict on each other. He had know delusions about his fate.
The pain in his stomach was instant and intense; but not unexpected. He looked down to see the man pulling a bone handled hunting knife out of his already blood-soaked shirt.
"That's right, kid. I'm gonna kill you to get laid. Not only that, but I'm going to cut your eyes out and feed them to you while she sucks my cock. I'll slit your fucking throat after I cum. You a virgin kid?"
"You should ask your mother. That's where I was last night."
The man punched him in the face. His nose was broken. The girl was busy licking the boy's blood off the knife; a look of twisted joy on her face.
"That's real funny kid, what's your name, anyway?"
"Just get on with it, cocksucker."
OH GOD YES!" They both looked over and the young lady, who was masturbating with the knife.
The boy sat there tied to a chair. He managed find some troubled sleep after a few hours, despite the urine stain in his slacks.
Sudden light hit his eyes like a splash of cold water as the hood was jerked off his head.
"Oh look, he pissed himself!" The first voice was obviously male.
"That gets me hot! Look how scared he is." This was unmistakably a girl's voice. His eyes were still adjusting; but she didn't look much older than the boy himself.
The man's face suddenly filled his entire field of vision. He could almost be considered handsome; except for the scars and the teeth.
"Hi kid! Sorry we had to keep you down here like this, but you know how it is. How old are you, anyway? 14?"
"15. How much do you want? I'm sure you know who my dad is..."
"Your dad is dead. Your dad pissed off my lady friend here. So now he's rotting in the bottom of a lime pit along with everyone he's ever known."
The man with the scars slapped him, while the girl lit a cigarette.
"Everyone who worked for him, all his friends, all his family. All dead. Except you. Do you know why we saved you?"
"So you can fuck that jailbait crack-ho?" The kid laughs defiantly. In his short life, he'd seen every cruelty men could inflict on each other. He had know delusions about his fate.
The pain in his stomach was instant and intense; but not unexpected. He looked down to see the man pulling a bone handled hunting knife out of his already blood-soaked shirt.
"That's right, kid. I'm gonna kill you to get laid. Not only that, but I'm going to cut your eyes out and feed them to you while she sucks my cock. I'll slit your fucking throat after I cum. You a virgin kid?"
"You should ask your mother. That's where I was last night."
The man punched him in the face. His nose was broken. The girl was busy licking the boy's blood off the knife; a look of twisted joy on her face.
"That's real funny kid, what's your name, anyway?"
"Just get on with it, cocksucker."
OH GOD YES!" They both looked over and the young lady, who was masturbating with the knife.
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 02/01/08
This was the last time they'd fuck.
His arms were cuffed to the bed as she rode him. The boys skull, freshly boiled and bleached; looked on from the top of the bookshelf.
"How many did you kill for me?"
"One thousand. Men, women, and children."
"OH GOD YES! I'M COMING!"
She convulsed and spasmed on top of him; then lowered his breasts so he could suck on her nipples as he exploded inside of her. She didn't move afterwards. She was smiling.
"You remember when I said I loved you?"
"Yes."
"I lied."
"I know."
"I poisoned that beer you drank earlier. you have maybe an hour before you die."
"That's ok. This entire apartment is bugged. I've been undercover the whole time. You don't think I'd kill all those people just for sex, do you?"
"You know I can't let them take me alive." She laughed. She then pulled a .45 out from under the pillow and blew her brains out.
His cock, only now starting to soften, was still inside her when she died.
This was the last time they'd fuck.
His arms were cuffed to the bed as she rode him. The boys skull, freshly boiled and bleached; looked on from the top of the bookshelf.
"How many did you kill for me?"
"One thousand. Men, women, and children."
"OH GOD YES! I'M COMING!"
She convulsed and spasmed on top of him; then lowered his breasts so he could suck on her nipples as he exploded inside of her. She didn't move afterwards. She was smiling.
"You remember when I said I loved you?"
"Yes."
"I lied."
"I know."
"I poisoned that beer you drank earlier. you have maybe an hour before you die."
"That's ok. This entire apartment is bugged. I've been undercover the whole time. You don't think I'd kill all those people just for sex, do you?"
"You know I can't let them take me alive." She laughed. She then pulled a .45 out from under the pillow and blew her brains out.
His cock, only now starting to soften, was still inside her when she died.
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 02/02/08
The two cops stood there looking at the guy through the two-way mirror.
"It's just fuckin creepy, is what it is."
"I know. He just sits there. We threaten him, we bargain with him, we beat him, and nothing. Doesn't want a lawyer, doesn't tell us he has rights, he just sits there like a fuckin catatonic."
"You think he is? I mean, the way we found him..."
"What, just cause some little cooze blew her fucking brains out while riding his cock?" He scoffs. "You're kidding right? With all the bodies we found in the basement? A little blood and brains aint giving this guy any nightmares."
"True, but they pumped a lot of poison out of that guy..."
"Have they found anything on him yet?"
"Nothing. Nothing on his prints, no name, no priors, no soc, no fucking birth certificate... Guys a fucking ghost."
"I'm going back in to talk to him..."
"Take some Holy Water."
He did bring some water, the bottled kind. He offered some to the silent man. No response.
"You don't want anything? Water? Smoke, to go to the bathroom? You can't just sit there forever, you know."
The man smiled, and looked at the cop. He opened his mouth to speak for the first time.
"I won't have to sit here forever. In less that an hour, someone will come in here, and flash a badge. Might be CIA, Might be FBI or NSA, doesn't matter. The point is that your boss will have no choice but to hand me over. Then I won't be your problem anymore."
"Oh really? You want to talk now? and you're what? A secret agent? This was a case? All those people you killed?"
"Those questions are a little above your pay-grade, detective. But all those people were drug dealers, terrorists, and child pornographers. The same people your precinct has failed to capture. Am I right?"
The cop's face became a mask of rage. He wanted to knock a few teeth out.
"what about the kids? Some of them were in fucking grade school! What could they have done?"
"They were the children of scum. I did you a favor. If I were you, I'd be more worried about my career right now. Your department really screwed the pooch on this one."
"Yeah? Why's that? for holding you? If what you say is true, why don't you have a badge? Why isn't there anything on you anywhere? No ID, no tax record, you don't even have a library card."
"Of course I don't. My superiors took care of all that. But that's not my why. You boys took your sweet time busting in on the apartment. You let that little bitch kill herself. That was your mistake. I put three years into this to bring her down and now she's on ice because you had to drag your heels."
The cop was about to retort, when the door opened. It was the chief, along with some spook in a suit.
"Detective Logan, this is Special Agent Summers of the FBI. We've been ordered to turn the suspect over to his custody."
Logan looked at the guy, then at the spook. He knew there was nothing else to do. He was getting drunk tonight, he knew that much. Five years of sobriety down the shitter with one botched case.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside, "Agent Summers" Offered the man a smoke.
"The girl's dead."
"Couldn't be helped. I was a bit ah, tied up at the time."
"We know that. No one blames you for that. But being taken by the local pigs, that doesn't look good."
"I had no choice. What, you want me to start killing cops now?"
"Of course not. Look, we go back a ways don't we? The Marines, The CIA, ten, fifteen years, right?"
"Sounds about right. I know it's been awhile..."
"And this is your first fuck-up. Other than that, your record has been spotless. If the American Public were aware of your actions, you'd be a hero 1000 times over. You know they can never know. That's part of the deal. So why'd you talk to that asshole cop? Why'd you tell that little bitch her number was almost up? Are you getting sloppy?"
This earned a dark look from the man.
"I'm not getting sloppy, ok? I didn't tell the cop anything that could be verified. And as far as the bitch goes, what do you expect? She just told me she as good as killed me. And there was no team in place. Where were our guys? What were the local boys even there?"
"That's under investigation..."
The man laughed. It was a sickly sound.
"Oh. and you want to say I'm sloppy? This is fucking rich. I bet I know where our boys are. I bet their fucking dead. That bitch has contacts. What we had only scratched the surface. I needed more time..."
"It's too late for that now, ok? We have a clean-up crew on it already. If she has any more names in her black book, we'll find them. We'll find our boys too. That's not your pr4oblem anymore. Like I said, no one blames you."
"Oh yeah? What's my problem now?"
The "agent" smiled. "You're going back to the Middle East. Plane leaves first thing in the morning. He handed the man a large manila envelope. "Target, tickets, and fee; as per usual. You might be gone for awhile this time, so have some fun tonight.
The man smiled and took the envelope. "You know how much I love playing in the sandbox..."
The two cops stood there looking at the guy through the two-way mirror.
"It's just fuckin creepy, is what it is."
"I know. He just sits there. We threaten him, we bargain with him, we beat him, and nothing. Doesn't want a lawyer, doesn't tell us he has rights, he just sits there like a fuckin catatonic."
"You think he is? I mean, the way we found him..."
"What, just cause some little cooze blew her fucking brains out while riding his cock?" He scoffs. "You're kidding right? With all the bodies we found in the basement? A little blood and brains aint giving this guy any nightmares."
"True, but they pumped a lot of poison out of that guy..."
"Have they found anything on him yet?"
"Nothing. Nothing on his prints, no name, no priors, no soc, no fucking birth certificate... Guys a fucking ghost."
"I'm going back in to talk to him..."
"Take some Holy Water."
He did bring some water, the bottled kind. He offered some to the silent man. No response.
"You don't want anything? Water? Smoke, to go to the bathroom? You can't just sit there forever, you know."
The man smiled, and looked at the cop. He opened his mouth to speak for the first time.
"I won't have to sit here forever. In less that an hour, someone will come in here, and flash a badge. Might be CIA, Might be FBI or NSA, doesn't matter. The point is that your boss will have no choice but to hand me over. Then I won't be your problem anymore."
"Oh really? You want to talk now? and you're what? A secret agent? This was a case? All those people you killed?"
"Those questions are a little above your pay-grade, detective. But all those people were drug dealers, terrorists, and child pornographers. The same people your precinct has failed to capture. Am I right?"
The cop's face became a mask of rage. He wanted to knock a few teeth out.
"what about the kids? Some of them were in fucking grade school! What could they have done?"
"They were the children of scum. I did you a favor. If I were you, I'd be more worried about my career right now. Your department really screwed the pooch on this one."
"Yeah? Why's that? for holding you? If what you say is true, why don't you have a badge? Why isn't there anything on you anywhere? No ID, no tax record, you don't even have a library card."
"Of course I don't. My superiors took care of all that. But that's not my why. You boys took your sweet time busting in on the apartment. You let that little bitch kill herself. That was your mistake. I put three years into this to bring her down and now she's on ice because you had to drag your heels."
The cop was about to retort, when the door opened. It was the chief, along with some spook in a suit.
"Detective Logan, this is Special Agent Summers of the FBI. We've been ordered to turn the suspect over to his custody."
Logan looked at the guy, then at the spook. He knew there was nothing else to do. He was getting drunk tonight, he knew that much. Five years of sobriety down the shitter with one botched case.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside, "Agent Summers" Offered the man a smoke.
"The girl's dead."
"Couldn't be helped. I was a bit ah, tied up at the time."
"We know that. No one blames you for that. But being taken by the local pigs, that doesn't look good."
"I had no choice. What, you want me to start killing cops now?"
"Of course not. Look, we go back a ways don't we? The Marines, The CIA, ten, fifteen years, right?"
"Sounds about right. I know it's been awhile..."
"And this is your first fuck-up. Other than that, your record has been spotless. If the American Public were aware of your actions, you'd be a hero 1000 times over. You know they can never know. That's part of the deal. So why'd you talk to that asshole cop? Why'd you tell that little bitch her number was almost up? Are you getting sloppy?"
This earned a dark look from the man.
"I'm not getting sloppy, ok? I didn't tell the cop anything that could be verified. And as far as the bitch goes, what do you expect? She just told me she as good as killed me. And there was no team in place. Where were our guys? What were the local boys even there?"
"That's under investigation..."
The man laughed. It was a sickly sound.
"Oh. and you want to say I'm sloppy? This is fucking rich. I bet I know where our boys are. I bet their fucking dead. That bitch has contacts. What we had only scratched the surface. I needed more time..."
"It's too late for that now, ok? We have a clean-up crew on it already. If she has any more names in her black book, we'll find them. We'll find our boys too. That's not your pr4oblem anymore. Like I said, no one blames you."
"Oh yeah? What's my problem now?"
The "agent" smiled. "You're going back to the Middle East. Plane leaves first thing in the morning. He handed the man a large manila envelope. "Target, tickets, and fee; as per usual. You might be gone for awhile this time, so have some fun tonight.
The man smiled and took the envelope. "You know how much I love playing in the sandbox..."
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 02/04/08
She knew she was in hell before she opened her eyes.
The smell of sulfur and burning souls was unmistakable.
"Minion. You've done well. 1,000 souls, over 200 of them innocent."
"It was a good haul."
"You found him?"
"Yes my lord."
"It's true?"
"Yes. He has no soul. Otherwise he'd be ours by now."
"How long has he walked the Earth?"
"Hard to say, he doesn't remember much. I know for a fact he witnessed the death of the Christ."
"He will serve us, even in ignorance."
"Yes my lord."
She knew she was in hell before she opened her eyes.
The smell of sulfur and burning souls was unmistakable.
"Minion. You've done well. 1,000 souls, over 200 of them innocent."
"It was a good haul."
"You found him?"
"Yes my lord."
"It's true?"
"Yes. He has no soul. Otherwise he'd be ours by now."
"How long has he walked the Earth?"
"Hard to say, he doesn't remember much. I know for a fact he witnessed the death of the Christ."
"He will serve us, even in ignorance."
"Yes my lord."
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 02/06/08
"Ok Mr. Bin Laden, I've removed your spleen, your penis, and most of your fingers. All of this pain can end if you just answer one simple question."
"Oh merciful Allah, I shall you tell you anything. Only please kill me."
"Was President Bush involved in the 911 attacks?"
"Yes! I would never have attacked the infidels in such a brazen manner without Babar's blessing. His wise counsel and generous funding made our attack on the corrupt and decadent Americans possible."
With a quick snap, the terrorist leader's neck was broken.
A U.S. President. It wouldn't be the first time he had to kill one, but it was always a headache.
"You don't even know your name, do you?"
He turned around. Incredibly, Bin Laden was speaking.
"You don't know who you are or where you come from."
"I know I'm hallucinating right now." Bin Laden laughed.
"You know better than that. You remember that little slut that blew her brains out with your cock inside her?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"I'm her opposite number. I can't offer you sex and drugs like she did, but we have a few perks as well, even for someone like you."
"Oh fuck. You're an angel?"
"Yes. So was she, once."
"How many times do I have to tell you fucks I'm not interested in your war?"
"Interested or not, you're involved. You'll have to pick a side sooner or later."
"Just fuck off! I have enough shit to worry about."
There was no response from the dead man. Just as well, he had a plane to catch.
"Ok Mr. Bin Laden, I've removed your spleen, your penis, and most of your fingers. All of this pain can end if you just answer one simple question."
"Oh merciful Allah, I shall you tell you anything. Only please kill me."
"Was President Bush involved in the 911 attacks?"
"Yes! I would never have attacked the infidels in such a brazen manner without Babar's blessing. His wise counsel and generous funding made our attack on the corrupt and decadent Americans possible."
With a quick snap, the terrorist leader's neck was broken.
A U.S. President. It wouldn't be the first time he had to kill one, but it was always a headache.
"You don't even know your name, do you?"
He turned around. Incredibly, Bin Laden was speaking.
"You don't know who you are or where you come from."
"I know I'm hallucinating right now." Bin Laden laughed.
"You know better than that. You remember that little slut that blew her brains out with your cock inside her?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"I'm her opposite number. I can't offer you sex and drugs like she did, but we have a few perks as well, even for someone like you."
"Oh fuck. You're an angel?"
"Yes. So was she, once."
"How many times do I have to tell you fucks I'm not interested in your war?"
"Interested or not, you're involved. You'll have to pick a side sooner or later."
"Just fuck off! I have enough shit to worry about."
There was no response from the dead man. Just as well, he had a plane to catch.
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 02/09/08
"I have the President's confession on tape; taken right before his death."
"Good, best hand it over, we can't afford to have the public know. I assume you made it look like an accident?"
"Even better: a suicide pact with Cheney. No way I was leaving that bastard in charge. I planted evidence to make it look like they were having an affair."
"That should keep the press busy. You've done your country a great service. I'd say you've earned a little time off..."
"No thanks. I'd like to move on to the next assignment, if it's all the same to you."
"Don't want to be alone with your thoughts?"
"Something like that."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From his throne in Heaven, an all seeing God watched without the slightest interest.
"He doesn't want to remember, your grace. He told me he doesn't care about unearthly matters."
"His desires are irrelevant. Events will proceed according to the plan."
"The cursed one seems to think he's serving their side."
"That's what he's meant to think. All of this was pre-ordained. Set into motion even before I was."
The angel was shocked.
"Your grace?"
"What? It never occurred to you that even Gods have Gods?"
The angel said nothing; trying to conceal his confusion.
"I have the President's confession on tape; taken right before his death."
"Good, best hand it over, we can't afford to have the public know. I assume you made it look like an accident?"
"Even better: a suicide pact with Cheney. No way I was leaving that bastard in charge. I planted evidence to make it look like they were having an affair."
"That should keep the press busy. You've done your country a great service. I'd say you've earned a little time off..."
"No thanks. I'd like to move on to the next assignment, if it's all the same to you."
"Don't want to be alone with your thoughts?"
"Something like that."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From his throne in Heaven, an all seeing God watched without the slightest interest.
"He doesn't want to remember, your grace. He told me he doesn't care about unearthly matters."
"His desires are irrelevant. Events will proceed according to the plan."
"The cursed one seems to think he's serving their side."
"That's what he's meant to think. All of this was pre-ordained. Set into motion even before I was."
The angel was shocked.
"Your grace?"
"What? It never occurred to you that even Gods have Gods?"
The angel said nothing; trying to conceal his confusion.
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 02/11/08
Detective Logan sat as his desk, staring at the mug-shot of the nameless man. He'd seen this man before KNEW he'd seen him. Those scars. That dead look in his eyes...it was a face that haunted his memories.
Meanwhile, work was slipping. He had no focus. He'd been on report twice since interrogating the stranger. He could care less. He knew obsession was consuming him, but had no desire to stop it...
He stroked the stubble on his chin, staring at the picture and repeating the same question over and over:
"Who are you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Your Grace?"
God looked down at his favored angel; seeing the naked curiosity in his eyes.
"You want to know more about my earlier statement? About Gods having Gods?"
"Yes. Please."
"Think of it like this: The mortals have discovered atoms yes?"
"Yes."
"Well, suppose each atom contained its own universe. Suppose further that our entire universe composed a single atom, of an object in a much larger universe. And so on with out end."
"But that would mean there's infinite universes..."
"And infinite Gods to safeguard those universes."
"And beyond that? Behind that?"
"That's the thing. No one knows."
"Have you ever contacted any of these other Gods, your grace?"
"Yes, but none of them share my curiosity. They are content to mind their own empires"
"And this nameless man?"
"He's more than that. In fact, he just might be the key to finding the answers..."
This silenced the angel, for the time being.
Detective Logan sat as his desk, staring at the mug-shot of the nameless man. He'd seen this man before KNEW he'd seen him. Those scars. That dead look in his eyes...it was a face that haunted his memories.
Meanwhile, work was slipping. He had no focus. He'd been on report twice since interrogating the stranger. He could care less. He knew obsession was consuming him, but had no desire to stop it...
He stroked the stubble on his chin, staring at the picture and repeating the same question over and over:
"Who are you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Your Grace?"
God looked down at his favored angel; seeing the naked curiosity in his eyes.
"You want to know more about my earlier statement? About Gods having Gods?"
"Yes. Please."
"Think of it like this: The mortals have discovered atoms yes?"
"Yes."
"Well, suppose each atom contained its own universe. Suppose further that our entire universe composed a single atom, of an object in a much larger universe. And so on with out end."
"But that would mean there's infinite universes..."
"And infinite Gods to safeguard those universes."
"And beyond that? Behind that?"
"That's the thing. No one knows."
"Have you ever contacted any of these other Gods, your grace?"
"Yes, but none of them share my curiosity. They are content to mind their own empires"
"And this nameless man?"
"He's more than that. In fact, he just might be the key to finding the answers..."
This silenced the angel, for the time being.
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 02/14/08
He nibbled softly on the smooth dark skin of her neck as she came on his cock.
He thrust himself deeper into her warm wet pussy.
She wanted it harder: he fucked her harder.
She wanted it faster: he fucked her faster.
Every time he came, it was an echo of something he'd long forgotten.
Some perfect state of being he had forsaken...or had been forsaken by.
If an orgasm was intense enough, he could almost remember his name.
Almost.
Spent, he pulled out and lay beside her.
"In my country, it is not permitted to talk to a man, much less do what we just did."
He smiled and traced his finger around her ear, her lips.
"Welcome to the land of the free, baby."
"You want to know when my friends will attack?"
"If it's not too much trouble."
"It will be soon. In Hollywood. During your Oscar Awards."
"Take out our celebrities, eh?"
"Yes."
"You have proof?"
"In the top drawer of the desk across the room. All the plans. All the targets. Everyone involved. Everything."
His fingers had been on her throat, lightly massaging. The grip became much tighter now, closing off her windpipe.
Her eyes went wide with surprise, and she began to make little gasping sounds. It made him hard again.
She began to struggle. He held her down.
He slid himself inside her again; fucking her slowly as she died.
"Shhhhhhhh," He whispered. "Let's send you to Allah with a smile on your face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His dreams that night were the same confused blur they always were:
The desert sand scorching his feet.
The Pyramids being built.
Rome in the time of lions.
Something far older and far more mysterious...
A woman calling his name, he could almost hear it.
Almost.
He nibbled softly on the smooth dark skin of her neck as she came on his cock.
He thrust himself deeper into her warm wet pussy.
She wanted it harder: he fucked her harder.
She wanted it faster: he fucked her faster.
Every time he came, it was an echo of something he'd long forgotten.
Some perfect state of being he had forsaken...or had been forsaken by.
If an orgasm was intense enough, he could almost remember his name.
Almost.
Spent, he pulled out and lay beside her.
"In my country, it is not permitted to talk to a man, much less do what we just did."
He smiled and traced his finger around her ear, her lips.
"Welcome to the land of the free, baby."
"You want to know when my friends will attack?"
"If it's not too much trouble."
"It will be soon. In Hollywood. During your Oscar Awards."
"Take out our celebrities, eh?"
"Yes."
"You have proof?"
"In the top drawer of the desk across the room. All the plans. All the targets. Everyone involved. Everything."
His fingers had been on her throat, lightly massaging. The grip became much tighter now, closing off her windpipe.
Her eyes went wide with surprise, and she began to make little gasping sounds. It made him hard again.
She began to struggle. He held her down.
He slid himself inside her again; fucking her slowly as she died.
"Shhhhhhhh," He whispered. "Let's send you to Allah with a smile on your face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His dreams that night were the same confused blur they always were:
The desert sand scorching his feet.
The Pyramids being built.
Rome in the time of lions.
Something far older and far more mysterious...
A woman calling his name, he could almost hear it.
Almost.
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 02/16/08
Logan knew he'd see that man before, and he finally figured out where.
It was in a painting. A 300 year old painting, to be precise.
He'd found it online, and remembered seeing it in a museum as a child.
"Angel Fell to Earth" -- Artist Unknown
There was no doubt. Same face, same build, same scars. Same man.
Thee hundred years.
That was impossible, wasn't it?
He hadn't shaved in weeks.
He'd been suspended from the force.
His wife left him.
None of it mattered.
Only the nameless man mattered.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"He will be with us soon. Then he will remember."
"Your Grace?"
"What happens when one of your kind dies on Earth?"
"We return to your presence."
"Precisely."
"But he hasn't died in over 1,000 years."
"Which will make this time all the more special."
"Yes Your Grace."
Logan knew he'd see that man before, and he finally figured out where.
It was in a painting. A 300 year old painting, to be precise.
He'd found it online, and remembered seeing it in a museum as a child.
"Angel Fell to Earth" -- Artist Unknown
There was no doubt. Same face, same build, same scars. Same man.
Thee hundred years.
That was impossible, wasn't it?
He hadn't shaved in weeks.
He'd been suspended from the force.
His wife left him.
None of it mattered.
Only the nameless man mattered.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"He will be with us soon. Then he will remember."
"Your Grace?"
"What happens when one of your kind dies on Earth?"
"We return to your presence."
"Precisely."
"But he hasn't died in over 1,000 years."
"Which will make this time all the more special."
"Yes Your Grace."
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 03/10/08
“The first will walk among us. Everything will change. New Heaven, New Earth”
“Of course, Master.”
“Don’t call me that. Call me Father. You’re one of the transfers, aren’t you? Azazel?”
“Yes father, up from hell 400 years, now.”
“You’ve served me faithfully for those last four centuries, never a report to your dark master?”
Here, the angel looked the father of all things dead in the eye. “No father, I have not contacted anyone from the lower realms in that entire time.”
“You have one century yet of duty here, but what if you had the choice? If allowed to return to Hell, would you leave me?”
“Never, father! My only wish is to remain here for eternity. I have no allegiance for the fallen one.”
“I’m delighted to hear it, my son! Your presence here will only serve the plan.”
“Yes, father. What am I bid?”
“Pardon?”
“Well,” the angel paused. Had he the ability to swallow or take a deep a breath, he would have. As it was, he could only look away from the glorious creator as he spoke.
“I assumed you had me in your presence, and witness to your—“
“Yes yes, I have an errand for you.. When he arrives, he will most likely want to see his wife and son. Please find them and make them ready. “
“At once, Lor-FATHER! Anything else required?”
Now it was the creator himself who paused. “No. One task yet remains, but it is mine alone....”
With that, the very first reformed demon went about his tasks, leaving lord and creator alone with his burden. His youngest son (of the first brood, at any rate), The baby, the martyr, the savior.
The fucking flower child.
No one had seen or heard a blessed word from the boy since his last (brief) trip to earth…it seemed he might never recover.
But recover he must, for the eldest son would surely want words with the youngest…
In his solitude, The Almighty allowed himself one human indulgence; resting his face between thumb and forefinger, he slowly massaged his eyes and temple. He spoke one word aloud:
“Jesus.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Detective Wagner, how may I help you?”
“George, it’s me. Logan.”
“Hey, Steve! How’s it going…”
“How do you think, asshole? I’m off the force. And there’s only one way to get it back.”
Silence from the other end. Then:
“What do you mean?”
“Look, I can’t talk.. But you need to get to California. LA. Soon. This weekend. Something big is going down.”
More silence. “I know it sounds crazy…”
“Damn right, it sounds crazy! Logan, look. We’ve been partners for a long time, but you’re drifting off into the ether, buddy. 500 year old perps? Catholic conspiracies? The only cops that take that kinda shit on are jackoffs in the movies. You’re a good cop. You know this.”
“Ten years, George. That’s a long time. And you’ve always trusted me. Trust me one last time. Take a fucking sick day. I’ll spring for the ticket.”
“One condition: when I get down there and all this National Enquirer bullshit is out of your system, you come home. You take those fucking shrink sessions, and you call your fucking wife.”
Now Logan was silent. Jean…
“Done. And Wagner?”
“Yeah?”
“You still got that silver pocketknife I got you last Christmas?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Bring it.”
“Aw man, fuck you!”
“The first will walk among us. Everything will change. New Heaven, New Earth”
“Of course, Master.”
“Don’t call me that. Call me Father. You’re one of the transfers, aren’t you? Azazel?”
“Yes father, up from hell 400 years, now.”
“You’ve served me faithfully for those last four centuries, never a report to your dark master?”
Here, the angel looked the father of all things dead in the eye. “No father, I have not contacted anyone from the lower realms in that entire time.”
“You have one century yet of duty here, but what if you had the choice? If allowed to return to Hell, would you leave me?”
“Never, father! My only wish is to remain here for eternity. I have no allegiance for the fallen one.”
“I’m delighted to hear it, my son! Your presence here will only serve the plan.”
“Yes, father. What am I bid?”
“Pardon?”
“Well,” the angel paused. Had he the ability to swallow or take a deep a breath, he would have. As it was, he could only look away from the glorious creator as he spoke.
“I assumed you had me in your presence, and witness to your—“
“Yes yes, I have an errand for you.. When he arrives, he will most likely want to see his wife and son. Please find them and make them ready. “
“At once, Lor-FATHER! Anything else required?”
Now it was the creator himself who paused. “No. One task yet remains, but it is mine alone....”
With that, the very first reformed demon went about his tasks, leaving lord and creator alone with his burden. His youngest son (of the first brood, at any rate), The baby, the martyr, the savior.
The fucking flower child.
No one had seen or heard a blessed word from the boy since his last (brief) trip to earth…it seemed he might never recover.
But recover he must, for the eldest son would surely want words with the youngest…
In his solitude, The Almighty allowed himself one human indulgence; resting his face between thumb and forefinger, he slowly massaged his eyes and temple. He spoke one word aloud:
“Jesus.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Detective Wagner, how may I help you?”
“George, it’s me. Logan.”
“Hey, Steve! How’s it going…”
“How do you think, asshole? I’m off the force. And there’s only one way to get it back.”
Silence from the other end. Then:
“What do you mean?”
“Look, I can’t talk.. But you need to get to California. LA. Soon. This weekend. Something big is going down.”
More silence. “I know it sounds crazy…”
“Damn right, it sounds crazy! Logan, look. We’ve been partners for a long time, but you’re drifting off into the ether, buddy. 500 year old perps? Catholic conspiracies? The only cops that take that kinda shit on are jackoffs in the movies. You’re a good cop. You know this.”
“Ten years, George. That’s a long time. And you’ve always trusted me. Trust me one last time. Take a fucking sick day. I’ll spring for the ticket.”
“One condition: when I get down there and all this National Enquirer bullshit is out of your system, you come home. You take those fucking shrink sessions, and you call your fucking wife.”
Now Logan was silent. Jean…
“Done. And Wagner?”
“Yeah?”
“You still got that silver pocketknife I got you last Christmas?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Bring it.”
“Aw man, fuck you!”
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 03/11/08
Michael sat at the desk and waited. Four hundred years he’d been in Hell. Four hundred years abandoned by his creator. Four hundred years serving as Hell’s entire parole board, and sole parole officer. The only work his immortal enemy, Lucifer the Fallen One thought suited him. He hated it.
But his next appointment could prove interesting. The oldest human in Hell, Earth’s first murderer. There were even demons who feared him.
He was five minutes late.
He picked up the phone. Colleen, where’s Cain?”
“He just stepped in sir, I’ll send him back there immediately.”
Cain walked in with a smile on his face. “Well if it isn’t the golden boy? I heard you’re the one they found to guard the escape hatch after I scared Azeal off like a bitch!”
Michael groaned. Great, another hard-ass. “Just sit down please. I’d like to get through this as quickly as possible.”
“Get through what,” Cain asked, still standing. “I don’t want to leave.”
Michael’s jaw, (now full of razor sharp fangs) fell open. “Why the hell not?”
“I love it here. I’m a legend.” He chuckled softly. “Satan himself will cross the pearly gates before I do.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I can’t kill you, Mr. Dep. The women would never forgive me, and I did like Edward Scissorhands. But if you don’t tell me all you know about Michael Moore and the Al-Queda, I will cut your nipples off. Maybe a few toes.”
Johnny Dep had pissed himself already, when this strange black man burst into his hotel room, the bodies of his security guards at his feet. He let the rest go now, staining the crotch of his four thousand dollar slacks.”
“Mr. Moore wasn’t involved sir, my contact was Michael Jackson. It’s too late to stop us now, so you might as well cut me. Might as well take my wallet, I’m planning on saying I was mugged.”
“Fuck! If MJ was involved, then it’s not terrorists…it’s gotta be the Vatican! Kiddy piddlers always stick together…”
Johnny Dep only laughed.
“Sir, I’m going to ask you once to put the knife down, and put your hands over your head.”
The man spun quickly, and in the same motion sent the dagger flying in the newcomer’s gun-arm. The cop. Shit.
“Detective Logan, is it? You’ve been researching me.”
The cop, cradling his wounded arm, seemed to forget completely about his gun.
“More than research. I know what you are! Normal people don’t live for hundreds of years!’
The man was standing over the cop now, pistol kicked to the side. No sign of Dep. The adjoining suite. The door hung open. He’d take care of that next.
“Hundreds?” The man laughed. “If you only knew…but I’m afraid you DO know too much already…”
“That’s right vampire! Kill me to keep your dirty secret!”
“Vampire? What the fuck—“ just then, two shots ripped through his spinal-chord and chest The cop’s partner, Wagner. From the next room.
“The Oscars,” he croaked, blood dribbling from his mouth. He closed his eyes and fell to the floor. But the award ceremony didn’t seem to matter much any more, not the cops, not his rapidly ending life. He’s died before, he suddenly realized.
Nothing seemed to matter. Except the woman’s voice, closer now. Her voice and the name she was saying. He could almost hear it….he COULD!
“Adam…” It was his wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Guess he wasn’t a vampire…”
“Guess not.”
“What do you think he was talking about? The Academy Awards? That’s tonight!”
“Most likely a hoax or diversion. Wanna check it out?”
Wagner laughed. “even if you were a cop still, this aint our jurisdiction…”
“You bring the knife?”
“HELL NO! That’s just stupid, man!”
Michael sat at the desk and waited. Four hundred years he’d been in Hell. Four hundred years abandoned by his creator. Four hundred years serving as Hell’s entire parole board, and sole parole officer. The only work his immortal enemy, Lucifer the Fallen One thought suited him. He hated it.
But his next appointment could prove interesting. The oldest human in Hell, Earth’s first murderer. There were even demons who feared him.
He was five minutes late.
He picked up the phone. Colleen, where’s Cain?”
“He just stepped in sir, I’ll send him back there immediately.”
Cain walked in with a smile on his face. “Well if it isn’t the golden boy? I heard you’re the one they found to guard the escape hatch after I scared Azeal off like a bitch!”
Michael groaned. Great, another hard-ass. “Just sit down please. I’d like to get through this as quickly as possible.”
“Get through what,” Cain asked, still standing. “I don’t want to leave.”
Michael’s jaw, (now full of razor sharp fangs) fell open. “Why the hell not?”
“I love it here. I’m a legend.” He chuckled softly. “Satan himself will cross the pearly gates before I do.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I can’t kill you, Mr. Dep. The women would never forgive me, and I did like Edward Scissorhands. But if you don’t tell me all you know about Michael Moore and the Al-Queda, I will cut your nipples off. Maybe a few toes.”
Johnny Dep had pissed himself already, when this strange black man burst into his hotel room, the bodies of his security guards at his feet. He let the rest go now, staining the crotch of his four thousand dollar slacks.”
“Mr. Moore wasn’t involved sir, my contact was Michael Jackson. It’s too late to stop us now, so you might as well cut me. Might as well take my wallet, I’m planning on saying I was mugged.”
“Fuck! If MJ was involved, then it’s not terrorists…it’s gotta be the Vatican! Kiddy piddlers always stick together…”
Johnny Dep only laughed.
“Sir, I’m going to ask you once to put the knife down, and put your hands over your head.”
The man spun quickly, and in the same motion sent the dagger flying in the newcomer’s gun-arm. The cop. Shit.
“Detective Logan, is it? You’ve been researching me.”
The cop, cradling his wounded arm, seemed to forget completely about his gun.
“More than research. I know what you are! Normal people don’t live for hundreds of years!’
The man was standing over the cop now, pistol kicked to the side. No sign of Dep. The adjoining suite. The door hung open. He’d take care of that next.
“Hundreds?” The man laughed. “If you only knew…but I’m afraid you DO know too much already…”
“That’s right vampire! Kill me to keep your dirty secret!”
“Vampire? What the fuck—“ just then, two shots ripped through his spinal-chord and chest The cop’s partner, Wagner. From the next room.
“The Oscars,” he croaked, blood dribbling from his mouth. He closed his eyes and fell to the floor. But the award ceremony didn’t seem to matter much any more, not the cops, not his rapidly ending life. He’s died before, he suddenly realized.
Nothing seemed to matter. Except the woman’s voice, closer now. Her voice and the name she was saying. He could almost hear it….he COULD!
“Adam…” It was his wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Guess he wasn’t a vampire…”
“Guess not.”
“What do you think he was talking about? The Academy Awards? That’s tonight!”
“Most likely a hoax or diversion. Wanna check it out?”
Wagner laughed. “even if you were a cop still, this aint our jurisdiction…”
“You bring the knife?”
“HELL NO! That’s just stupid, man!”
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 03/12/08
“Adam…”
He knew this wasn’t really The Garden, that place was long gone. But all of his senses told him that’s where he was. Only his mind, and rapidly returning memories insisted he was in Heaven. He knew the woman, and the child with her immediately. They had to be real.
“Eve? Abe?” His wife was the very definition of beauty. Abel was still a young boy, just as he remembered.
“Yes, Adam. It’s us. It’s been so long…” she moved to embrace him, then quickly pushed him away again. “You were with HER again!”
It was so clear now. The suicidal snuff queen. Lilith. His first wife.”
“Darling, I swear. I didn’t know who she was! She tricked me.”
Eve smiled. “Your mind may forget, dearest husband, but the flesh always remembers. It’s no matter. You’ve been away so long, there’s no sense in a quarrel. Will you be staying this time?”
He sighed, looking at his family. It HAD been a long time, too long. “I hope so. But if I can’t…if I have to go back again…will you join me this time?”
She turned away. “Adam, you know I can’t. The world’s changed so much since I was there last. You’ve changed too. I don’t understand it anymore. I’m sorry.”
“I understand. And you’re right. The world has changed. So have I. But I still love you.”
“I love you Adam, I always will.” She turned, and took a step towards him, then fled, weeping.”
“She gets like that,” Abel offered. “She really missed you. I did too.”
Adam patted his son’s head. “Oh Abe, I missed you too. Any chance you’d join your old man?”
Abel laughed. “Last time I went down there. I freed the slaves, and was rewarded with assassination. Time before that, I almost had to kill my own son. Besides, I’m not the son you need down there…”
“Cain.”
“Have you ever visited him? Even once?”
“No.”
“You should. And tell him…tell him I forgive him.”
Father and son embraced, for the first and perhaps last time in a thousand years.
“I’ll do that son. I better go say good-bye to your mother.”
“I love you dad.”
“You too, Abe. Always.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Jesus Christ!”
“Yes father?”
“Look son, I know that last trip to Earth really upset you, but your brother is here. And I’m sure he’ll want words with you.”
“Adam’s here? Shit! I don’t want to go back, Dad. We tried so hard…it all went so wrong, man…”
“Jesus, are you stoned?”
“A little…”
“Christ! We’re in HEAVEN! How do you even get this stuff up here?”
“I got connections.”
God sighed softly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He found her sitting against the Tree of Knowledge.
“Last time we were here, you offered me a piece of fruit.”
She laughed. “And you forgave me. I suppose I can forgive you for the harlot.”
Adam wisely said nothing. The kissed, and for a moment, thousands (millions?) of years melted away.
“Stay with me husband. Just for a while?”
They talked. They laughed. They made love. He wanted to stay, but he knew he couldn’t. His father had plans for him. But he had one last piece of business before seeing the bastard.
“You know, in the book, they said it was my rib God took to make you…”
“But it wasn’t?”
“It was my wings. I was an angel.”
“And you want it back?”
“I need it. There’s too much work to be done down there. Besides…”
She smiled. “It’ll seem like a part of me is with you. Of course, Adam.”
She seemed to reach inside herself, and extract pure light. She held it out to him. He tried to take it, then realized there was nothing there. He felt his wings growing from his back, and looked down to see the sword of flames in his hand. He was restored. He looked at his wife one last time.
“I love you.”
“And I will always love you, husband. Now go. It’s best not to keep the Alpha and the Omega waiting.”
“Adam…”
He knew this wasn’t really The Garden, that place was long gone. But all of his senses told him that’s where he was. Only his mind, and rapidly returning memories insisted he was in Heaven. He knew the woman, and the child with her immediately. They had to be real.
“Eve? Abe?” His wife was the very definition of beauty. Abel was still a young boy, just as he remembered.
“Yes, Adam. It’s us. It’s been so long…” she moved to embrace him, then quickly pushed him away again. “You were with HER again!”
It was so clear now. The suicidal snuff queen. Lilith. His first wife.”
“Darling, I swear. I didn’t know who she was! She tricked me.”
Eve smiled. “Your mind may forget, dearest husband, but the flesh always remembers. It’s no matter. You’ve been away so long, there’s no sense in a quarrel. Will you be staying this time?”
He sighed, looking at his family. It HAD been a long time, too long. “I hope so. But if I can’t…if I have to go back again…will you join me this time?”
She turned away. “Adam, you know I can’t. The world’s changed so much since I was there last. You’ve changed too. I don’t understand it anymore. I’m sorry.”
“I understand. And you’re right. The world has changed. So have I. But I still love you.”
“I love you Adam, I always will.” She turned, and took a step towards him, then fled, weeping.”
“She gets like that,” Abel offered. “She really missed you. I did too.”
Adam patted his son’s head. “Oh Abe, I missed you too. Any chance you’d join your old man?”
Abel laughed. “Last time I went down there. I freed the slaves, and was rewarded with assassination. Time before that, I almost had to kill my own son. Besides, I’m not the son you need down there…”
“Cain.”
“Have you ever visited him? Even once?”
“No.”
“You should. And tell him…tell him I forgive him.”
Father and son embraced, for the first and perhaps last time in a thousand years.
“I’ll do that son. I better go say good-bye to your mother.”
“I love you dad.”
“You too, Abe. Always.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Jesus Christ!”
“Yes father?”
“Look son, I know that last trip to Earth really upset you, but your brother is here. And I’m sure he’ll want words with you.”
“Adam’s here? Shit! I don’t want to go back, Dad. We tried so hard…it all went so wrong, man…”
“Jesus, are you stoned?”
“A little…”
“Christ! We’re in HEAVEN! How do you even get this stuff up here?”
“I got connections.”
God sighed softly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He found her sitting against the Tree of Knowledge.
“Last time we were here, you offered me a piece of fruit.”
She laughed. “And you forgave me. I suppose I can forgive you for the harlot.”
Adam wisely said nothing. The kissed, and for a moment, thousands (millions?) of years melted away.
“Stay with me husband. Just for a while?”
They talked. They laughed. They made love. He wanted to stay, but he knew he couldn’t. His father had plans for him. But he had one last piece of business before seeing the bastard.
“You know, in the book, they said it was my rib God took to make you…”
“But it wasn’t?”
“It was my wings. I was an angel.”
“And you want it back?”
“I need it. There’s too much work to be done down there. Besides…”
She smiled. “It’ll seem like a part of me is with you. Of course, Adam.”
She seemed to reach inside herself, and extract pure light. She held it out to him. He tried to take it, then realized there was nothing there. He felt his wings growing from his back, and looked down to see the sword of flames in his hand. He was restored. He looked at his wife one last time.
“I love you.”
“And I will always love you, husband. Now go. It’s best not to keep the Alpha and the Omega waiting.”
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 03/14/08
Hell is different for everyone. What may be torment for one soul, might be a pleasant diversion for another.
For Lilith, mother of demons and first wife of Adam; Hell was rape. Constant, eternal, rape by demons. Some of them her own children.
The only brief respite was the occasional missions to Earth The latest of these, a campaign to lure Adam to their side.
Oh Adam. She wanted to hate him. Or even feel apathetic. But the truth is, she loved him still. Perhaps her masters thought she volunteered to deceive him so eagerly just to escape her torment, or to inflict some measure of revenge upon him. But the truth was, she merely wanted to be with him.
Her secret wish is that one day, they would stay together, and everything else would be forgotten. Eve, Heaven, Hell…none of it would matter.
Why did she still love him, after so much time?
The thrusting of the barbed demon cock inside her suddenly increased its pace.
“I’m cumming!”
Her vagina was flooded with searing hot lava, melting her insides and causing her unspeakable agony. She convulsed and sobbed, as her flesh healed itself.
Already, the demon was pulling out, and the next one in line was readying himself.
“Fucking pigs.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Adam my son, it’s good to see you again. You’ve regained your Angelic form.”
“You could have given it back when Eve first died, would have made things much easier.”
“Too easy, I think. What have you to report?”
“Report? Are you fucking kidding me? It’s a mess down there. Same as ever. Millions of people killing and dying in your name. Mostly the Muslims and Catholics. Just like I told you last time. The governments of many nations have weapons than can end all life on Earth now. Fuck! The Catholics! Don’t you realize what I was in the middle of when you called me back?”
“Be calm, my son. Time has been suspended on Earth. You will return the very next moment after you left, but those are mortal concerns. What has been discovered about the nature of the universe?”
“Well, you remember when I told you of the eastern mystics who believed that at it’s core, everything boiled down to tendencies to exist?”
“Of course.”
“Well now modern science agrees. The universe exists because it wants to.”
“That’s not good enough, I’m afraid.”
“Have you heard of the big bang theory?”
“Yes, actually. I was born then.”
“You were born? Anyway, since the universe is continuing to expand, there’s now two theories about how it will end. Either the universe will start shrinking, in a big crunch, or it will keep expanding until all the stars go out, and we’re left with a massive lifeless void.”
“I see. So they still don’t know the truth.”
“And what truth would that be?”
“Once the universe reaches a certain size, it will split in two, like a cell dividing. It will happen very soon, I think.”
“Oh yeah? What happens then?”
“I’ll be moving heaven into the new universe, of course. Earth and Hell shall remain behind.”
“And where will I be? May I finally come home?”
“No, Adam. I’m sorry, but you must remain behind and complete your work.”
“What work? I’ve done everything you asked!”
“You’re the only one I can trust. Your next task will be to venture to Hell, and deliver this to Lucifer.” God handed Adam a scroll.
“What’s this?”
“A pardon. Lucifer and his rebellious brethren shall be returned to my kingdom.”
“What? Are you fucking serious? SATAN gets a free pass, but I’m left behind? They were the traitors. I just sat on the sidelines!”
“You were not sent to Earth as punishment, Adam. Nor are you being punished now. Though your sin, that of indecision was in fact greater than those who rebelled; it is as I said. You are the only one capable of maintaining order once I leave.”
“So if there’s no devil, who will run Hell?”
“You will, of course. You will take those souls who you deem fit and make them your new demonic staff to aid you.”
“Oh, this is just fucking perfect.”
“No, not even Heaven is perfect as it is now. That is why I must forgive my enemies. From this new Heaven, I may finally commune with other Gods and other Universes to learn what lies behind it all.”
Adam rolled his eyes. “So I guess you’re not as all knowing as your press kit would have us believe. I have two conditions. The first is that I keep my memories when I go back this time. I’m sick of not knowing who I am. The second--”
“You want the youngest to return with you. I had anticipated this.”
“Yes. Running Earth AND Hell is a huge task. I can’t do it alone. Besides, if Jesus doesn’t show up soon, there may not even be an Earth much longer.”
“I have spoken with him, and he may require some convincing before he joins you… Your first request will be granted, however .”
“He’ll join me all right,” Adam said coldly. He was running out of patience.
“Very well. When the universe splits, all those deemed worthy on Earth and in Hell will join me in the new Heaven. It will be up to you and your brother to return those remaining souls to me. Make them ready Adam. You’re the only one who can.”
“Bullshit. You could have made them ready yourself. ‘Free Will’ my ass! Look at me! I was the first pacifist, and you sent me to a world where I had to become a killer just to survive! We make the choices, sure; but you put our backs to the wall!”
“Oh Adam, don’t you see? I have no choice either. I need you strong. All of you. All my children. Were I to coddle you, had you remained in Heaven, or even the garden, you would never have grown. You’d never be what you are now.”
“And what exactly am I now?”
“Almost ready.”
“Ready for what?”
“To ascend, of course. Adam, in a few thousand years time, you may be a God yourself. Perhaps then you may see me in a softer light.”
For once, Adam was speechless. Him? A god? It was time to visit the Christ.
Hell is different for everyone. What may be torment for one soul, might be a pleasant diversion for another.
For Lilith, mother of demons and first wife of Adam; Hell was rape. Constant, eternal, rape by demons. Some of them her own children.
The only brief respite was the occasional missions to Earth The latest of these, a campaign to lure Adam to their side.
Oh Adam. She wanted to hate him. Or even feel apathetic. But the truth is, she loved him still. Perhaps her masters thought she volunteered to deceive him so eagerly just to escape her torment, or to inflict some measure of revenge upon him. But the truth was, she merely wanted to be with him.
Her secret wish is that one day, they would stay together, and everything else would be forgotten. Eve, Heaven, Hell…none of it would matter.
Why did she still love him, after so much time?
The thrusting of the barbed demon cock inside her suddenly increased its pace.
“I’m cumming!”
Her vagina was flooded with searing hot lava, melting her insides and causing her unspeakable agony. She convulsed and sobbed, as her flesh healed itself.
Already, the demon was pulling out, and the next one in line was readying himself.
“Fucking pigs.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Adam my son, it’s good to see you again. You’ve regained your Angelic form.”
“You could have given it back when Eve first died, would have made things much easier.”
“Too easy, I think. What have you to report?”
“Report? Are you fucking kidding me? It’s a mess down there. Same as ever. Millions of people killing and dying in your name. Mostly the Muslims and Catholics. Just like I told you last time. The governments of many nations have weapons than can end all life on Earth now. Fuck! The Catholics! Don’t you realize what I was in the middle of when you called me back?”
“Be calm, my son. Time has been suspended on Earth. You will return the very next moment after you left, but those are mortal concerns. What has been discovered about the nature of the universe?”
“Well, you remember when I told you of the eastern mystics who believed that at it’s core, everything boiled down to tendencies to exist?”
“Of course.”
“Well now modern science agrees. The universe exists because it wants to.”
“That’s not good enough, I’m afraid.”
“Have you heard of the big bang theory?”
“Yes, actually. I was born then.”
“You were born? Anyway, since the universe is continuing to expand, there’s now two theories about how it will end. Either the universe will start shrinking, in a big crunch, or it will keep expanding until all the stars go out, and we’re left with a massive lifeless void.”
“I see. So they still don’t know the truth.”
“And what truth would that be?”
“Once the universe reaches a certain size, it will split in two, like a cell dividing. It will happen very soon, I think.”
“Oh yeah? What happens then?”
“I’ll be moving heaven into the new universe, of course. Earth and Hell shall remain behind.”
“And where will I be? May I finally come home?”
“No, Adam. I’m sorry, but you must remain behind and complete your work.”
“What work? I’ve done everything you asked!”
“You’re the only one I can trust. Your next task will be to venture to Hell, and deliver this to Lucifer.” God handed Adam a scroll.
“What’s this?”
“A pardon. Lucifer and his rebellious brethren shall be returned to my kingdom.”
“What? Are you fucking serious? SATAN gets a free pass, but I’m left behind? They were the traitors. I just sat on the sidelines!”
“You were not sent to Earth as punishment, Adam. Nor are you being punished now. Though your sin, that of indecision was in fact greater than those who rebelled; it is as I said. You are the only one capable of maintaining order once I leave.”
“So if there’s no devil, who will run Hell?”
“You will, of course. You will take those souls who you deem fit and make them your new demonic staff to aid you.”
“Oh, this is just fucking perfect.”
“No, not even Heaven is perfect as it is now. That is why I must forgive my enemies. From this new Heaven, I may finally commune with other Gods and other Universes to learn what lies behind it all.”
Adam rolled his eyes. “So I guess you’re not as all knowing as your press kit would have us believe. I have two conditions. The first is that I keep my memories when I go back this time. I’m sick of not knowing who I am. The second--”
“You want the youngest to return with you. I had anticipated this.”
“Yes. Running Earth AND Hell is a huge task. I can’t do it alone. Besides, if Jesus doesn’t show up soon, there may not even be an Earth much longer.”
“I have spoken with him, and he may require some convincing before he joins you… Your first request will be granted, however .”
“He’ll join me all right,” Adam said coldly. He was running out of patience.
“Very well. When the universe splits, all those deemed worthy on Earth and in Hell will join me in the new Heaven. It will be up to you and your brother to return those remaining souls to me. Make them ready Adam. You’re the only one who can.”
“Bullshit. You could have made them ready yourself. ‘Free Will’ my ass! Look at me! I was the first pacifist, and you sent me to a world where I had to become a killer just to survive! We make the choices, sure; but you put our backs to the wall!”
“Oh Adam, don’t you see? I have no choice either. I need you strong. All of you. All my children. Were I to coddle you, had you remained in Heaven, or even the garden, you would never have grown. You’d never be what you are now.”
“And what exactly am I now?”
“Almost ready.”
“Ready for what?”
“To ascend, of course. Adam, in a few thousand years time, you may be a God yourself. Perhaps then you may see me in a softer light.”
For once, Adam was speechless. Him? A god? It was time to visit the Christ.
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 03/23/08 EASTER EDITION
“Look Jesus, I know you had a rough time out last time, but I really need you to come back to Earth with me.”
“Ah c’mon man, don’t bring me down…that place is a total bummer. Every time I go there, man, I try to spread the good word, but they never listen.”
“I’ll be there with you this time, little brother. They’ll have to listen.”
“It won’t matter. It never matters. They’ll just ridicule me and kill me all over again.”
“You’ve been through worse. So have I. That’s not the point. The point is they need you. I need you. You promised to come back, and they never forgot. Now quit being a pussy, and get your shit together!”
“All right dude, fuck! You don’t have to be such a nazi about it! I’ll go, ok?”
“Ok. Good.”
Jesus looked at Adam, and offered the blunt he'd been smoking.
“You wanna hit this bro?”
“Might as well, no way I’m going to Hell sober.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lucifer was pacing. Something big was about to happen, and he had no idea what it was.
He hated not knowing. Uncertainty was a bane to every ruler. There should be nothing in Hell that transpired without his notice and consent.
He tried watching the torture of sinners; that usually helped. But this time even that pleasure failed to calm him.
Adam was dead, and in Heaven at this very moment.
That might have something to do with his uneasiness, but what?
“Look Jesus, I know you had a rough time out last time, but I really need you to come back to Earth with me.”
“Ah c’mon man, don’t bring me down…that place is a total bummer. Every time I go there, man, I try to spread the good word, but they never listen.”
“I’ll be there with you this time, little brother. They’ll have to listen.”
“It won’t matter. It never matters. They’ll just ridicule me and kill me all over again.”
“You’ve been through worse. So have I. That’s not the point. The point is they need you. I need you. You promised to come back, and they never forgot. Now quit being a pussy, and get your shit together!”
“All right dude, fuck! You don’t have to be such a nazi about it! I’ll go, ok?”
“Ok. Good.”
Jesus looked at Adam, and offered the blunt he'd been smoking.
“You wanna hit this bro?”
“Might as well, no way I’m going to Hell sober.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lucifer was pacing. Something big was about to happen, and he had no idea what it was.
He hated not knowing. Uncertainty was a bane to every ruler. There should be nothing in Hell that transpired without his notice and consent.
He tried watching the torture of sinners; that usually helped. But this time even that pleasure failed to calm him.
Adam was dead, and in Heaven at this very moment.
That might have something to do with his uneasiness, but what?
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 03/24/08
Of course, there was no way Jesus, was coming to Hell with him.
“That place is such a drag, man. I’ll just meet you on Earth.”
Who knew when he was actually going to show up? Adam didn’t.
The first thing he saw when he got there, was Lilith being raped by two large demons, with more lined up behind.
He didn’t even think. He pulled out his flaming sword and decapitated the closest, who was taking her from behind. He then impaled the demon who was forcing her to perform oral.
“Adam? You finally came for me?”
She stood up and hugged him fiercely, tears streaming from her face.
“They’ve been doing this to you? The whole time?”
“Yes. When I wasn’t on Earth with you.”
It all came back. She’d visited him many times, Deceiving him. Manipulating him. He pushed her away.
“You lied to me, tricked me. So many times…”
“Adam, I had to! It was the only way I could see you. The only way I could escape this—“ Fresh sobs erupted. Adam held his wife close.
“You still love me? After what I did to you?”
“Of course Adam! I never stopped loving you. Could you still love me? After what I did?”
“Seems to me you had no choice. But that’s not why I’m here. Not the only reason, at least. Where’s the head prick?”
“Ah, the fence sitter. Greetings, big brother.” A voice from behind them.
Adam turned and smiled. Speak of the Devil…
“Nice to see you too, Lucifer. We have business to discuss,” he said, holding up the scroll. “But first, where’s my son?”
Of course, there was no way Jesus, was coming to Hell with him.
“That place is such a drag, man. I’ll just meet you on Earth.”
Who knew when he was actually going to show up? Adam didn’t.
The first thing he saw when he got there, was Lilith being raped by two large demons, with more lined up behind.
He didn’t even think. He pulled out his flaming sword and decapitated the closest, who was taking her from behind. He then impaled the demon who was forcing her to perform oral.
“Adam? You finally came for me?”
She stood up and hugged him fiercely, tears streaming from her face.
“They’ve been doing this to you? The whole time?”
“Yes. When I wasn’t on Earth with you.”
It all came back. She’d visited him many times, Deceiving him. Manipulating him. He pushed her away.
“You lied to me, tricked me. So many times…”
“Adam, I had to! It was the only way I could see you. The only way I could escape this—“ Fresh sobs erupted. Adam held his wife close.
“You still love me? After what I did to you?”
“Of course Adam! I never stopped loving you. Could you still love me? After what I did?”
“Seems to me you had no choice. But that’s not why I’m here. Not the only reason, at least. Where’s the head prick?”
“Ah, the fence sitter. Greetings, big brother.” A voice from behind them.
Adam turned and smiled. Speak of the Devil…
“Nice to see you too, Lucifer. We have business to discuss,” he said, holding up the scroll. “But first, where’s my son?”
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 03/25/08
Earth was even more filthy and confusing as Jesus had remembered it, even with time frozen. The last time he’d been here, he was a rock star. Those were good times…burning his guitar at Monterey, playing The Star Spangled Banner at Woodstock…
He had no idea how long Adam would be in Hell. But he didn’t intend to spend that time sober. He simply walked, knowing that soon enough he would find what he needed. A little frown or sigh of disgust would register every time he saw a church, or anything related to religion. They never listened. He’d tried to set the record straight once, even wrote a few books to contradict the effects of the bible debacle. What did he get for all his troubles? The Soviet Union, and Soviet China.
“Lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink…” he muttered.
Soon enough, he found what he was looking for. A sweet old woman, in the process of rolling a joint to fight the pain and nausea of her fatal disease. It was within his power to unfreeze time in a small area, he did so now. The woman was quite shocked to see him.
“Jesus Christ!” She exclaimed.
“Yes my child, it is I. I was hoping you’d be willing to share some of that herb?”
“Oh, what? This? I only smoke it because of the cancer. Why would you want something like that?” She eyed him suspiciously.
Jesus merely smiled and touched her forehead.
“Edna Grey, you’ve been a gentle soul your entire life. You’ve never harmed another, and strived to help all those you could. I cure you of your cancer, and assure you that soon, you will be in my father’s kingdom.”
“My cancer! It’s gone!”
“Yes.”
“Did you mean it, about heaven?”
“Of course I did. Soon, all the pure souls will be returned to my father. I shall remain behind, to help those who are still lost.”
“And my husband?”
“Is waiting for you now. Along with the rest of your family. Except of course, for your uncle Albert.”
“Well, I wouldn’t expect to see him there. Bastard.”
“Even he may one day find his way into the light, Edna. Now, speaking of light…”
She looked down at the now-rolled joint between her fingers.
“Oh yes, this. I suppose I don’t need it anymore, do I? I have a whole bag of this stuff, you can have it if you want it. I didn’t know you were into this sort of thing, Lord.”
“You’d be surprised how many things people consider sins are actually quite all right,” he said, taking the joint from her and lighting it with his finger, “And please don’t call me ‘Lord’.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cain and Michael were still in the office, though not much was being said. Michael decided to ask for clarification one more time.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go back?”
“It’s a moot point now, old friend.” The response had not come from Cain, but from the now opening door. Wonder of wonders, Adam walked in, followed by Lilith, and the Dark One himself.
“What’s the meaning of this?” Michael asked, with a touch of frustration.
“Father?” Was Cain’s only response, wonder softening his voice.
“Yes Cain, it’s me. And I am here on official business from the father of us all.” He handed the scroll to the prince of lies. “You’re pardoned. You and all of your grubby little rebels. Effective immediately, you are officially invited to return to Heaven.”
Satan laughed with delight. “Oh this is too rich! Pardoned? The war is over? And I suppose the little pacifist has to remain behind?”
“Yeah, that’s right Luce. I’m left out in the cold again. You gonna stay here and gloat, or you gonna go spread the good news?”
Without further comment, but with a huge grin, Lucifer turned and left the room. They could hear him singing in the hall:
“I’ve seen your face a thousand times
Every day we’ve been apart
I don’t care about the blah blah blah
Papa I’m comin hoe-oh-ome
I’m comin ho-oh-ome”
The rest of the company had been too stunned to speak during this exchange. It was Michael who finally broke the silence.
“What about the rest of us?”
“Michael, you of course may return with the others, but I’d like to speak with you privately in a moment. Cain, my eldest. The first murderer. You are the hardest, coldest human soul I have ever known. I can think no one better to run this place in my absence.”
Cain smiled. “Me? Run Hell? I’d be delighted.”
“Excellent. I’m thinking of some improvements. We could get some computers down here, make everything automated. Really speed up the whole redemption process.”
“Sounds good to me, I’m sure we have a few tech suppose guys down here…”
“Excellent. Lilith, My wife, my love. You are as cruel, deceitful and murderous as anyone I’ve ever met. These skills will serve you well, when you take over my work on Earth. As my responsibilities have increased, I’ll need a worthy replacement.”
“Me? On Earth? With You?”
Adam smiled. “You’re the only one I’d want at my side.”
Her response was to kiss him deeply. He ran his fingers through her hair.
Cain rolled his eyes. “Do you have to kiss that whore in front of me?”
Lilith glared at him, but Adam smiled diplomatically. If you two would excuse us, I’m sure you both have preparations to make, and I must have words with Michael.”
The two departed, but could be heard bickering in the hall. Adam sat down at the table, opposite Michael.
“Of all God’s angels, you were always the most loyal. It is said you killed nearly 1,000 rebel angels during the war. You have never questioned the will of our maker, and have enforced his edicts with an iron fist since the dawn of time.”
Michael regarded him coldly. “You have a point?”
Adam smiled. “How were you rewarded for this loyalty? You were the first, and so far only angel sent to hell in an exchange program. While you wallow in misery and paperwork down here, a vile demon sits at the right hand of God. Surely, that can’t sit right with you.”
Michael sighed. “Of course it doesn’t sit right with me. I’ve been down here 400 years. But what’s to be done about it?”
“Spy for me. I’ll need someone to keep an eye on developments upstairs.”
“But won’t are father know? He is omniscient, after all.”
Adam scoffed, “I seriously doubt that. He’s been expressing doubts and questions a lot recently, and beyond that, would an all-knowing, all seeing God have let a rebellion occur in the first place?”
“I suppose you’re right.”
They shook hands.
Earth was even more filthy and confusing as Jesus had remembered it, even with time frozen. The last time he’d been here, he was a rock star. Those were good times…burning his guitar at Monterey, playing The Star Spangled Banner at Woodstock…
He had no idea how long Adam would be in Hell. But he didn’t intend to spend that time sober. He simply walked, knowing that soon enough he would find what he needed. A little frown or sigh of disgust would register every time he saw a church, or anything related to religion. They never listened. He’d tried to set the record straight once, even wrote a few books to contradict the effects of the bible debacle. What did he get for all his troubles? The Soviet Union, and Soviet China.
“Lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink…” he muttered.
Soon enough, he found what he was looking for. A sweet old woman, in the process of rolling a joint to fight the pain and nausea of her fatal disease. It was within his power to unfreeze time in a small area, he did so now. The woman was quite shocked to see him.
“Jesus Christ!” She exclaimed.
“Yes my child, it is I. I was hoping you’d be willing to share some of that herb?”
“Oh, what? This? I only smoke it because of the cancer. Why would you want something like that?” She eyed him suspiciously.
Jesus merely smiled and touched her forehead.
“Edna Grey, you’ve been a gentle soul your entire life. You’ve never harmed another, and strived to help all those you could. I cure you of your cancer, and assure you that soon, you will be in my father’s kingdom.”
“My cancer! It’s gone!”
“Yes.”
“Did you mean it, about heaven?”
“Of course I did. Soon, all the pure souls will be returned to my father. I shall remain behind, to help those who are still lost.”
“And my husband?”
“Is waiting for you now. Along with the rest of your family. Except of course, for your uncle Albert.”
“Well, I wouldn’t expect to see him there. Bastard.”
“Even he may one day find his way into the light, Edna. Now, speaking of light…”
She looked down at the now-rolled joint between her fingers.
“Oh yes, this. I suppose I don’t need it anymore, do I? I have a whole bag of this stuff, you can have it if you want it. I didn’t know you were into this sort of thing, Lord.”
“You’d be surprised how many things people consider sins are actually quite all right,” he said, taking the joint from her and lighting it with his finger, “And please don’t call me ‘Lord’.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cain and Michael were still in the office, though not much was being said. Michael decided to ask for clarification one more time.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go back?”
“It’s a moot point now, old friend.” The response had not come from Cain, but from the now opening door. Wonder of wonders, Adam walked in, followed by Lilith, and the Dark One himself.
“What’s the meaning of this?” Michael asked, with a touch of frustration.
“Father?” Was Cain’s only response, wonder softening his voice.
“Yes Cain, it’s me. And I am here on official business from the father of us all.” He handed the scroll to the prince of lies. “You’re pardoned. You and all of your grubby little rebels. Effective immediately, you are officially invited to return to Heaven.”
Satan laughed with delight. “Oh this is too rich! Pardoned? The war is over? And I suppose the little pacifist has to remain behind?”
“Yeah, that’s right Luce. I’m left out in the cold again. You gonna stay here and gloat, or you gonna go spread the good news?”
Without further comment, but with a huge grin, Lucifer turned and left the room. They could hear him singing in the hall:
“I’ve seen your face a thousand times
Every day we’ve been apart
I don’t care about the blah blah blah
Papa I’m comin hoe-oh-ome
I’m comin ho-oh-ome”
The rest of the company had been too stunned to speak during this exchange. It was Michael who finally broke the silence.
“What about the rest of us?”
“Michael, you of course may return with the others, but I’d like to speak with you privately in a moment. Cain, my eldest. The first murderer. You are the hardest, coldest human soul I have ever known. I can think no one better to run this place in my absence.”
Cain smiled. “Me? Run Hell? I’d be delighted.”
“Excellent. I’m thinking of some improvements. We could get some computers down here, make everything automated. Really speed up the whole redemption process.”
“Sounds good to me, I’m sure we have a few tech suppose guys down here…”
“Excellent. Lilith, My wife, my love. You are as cruel, deceitful and murderous as anyone I’ve ever met. These skills will serve you well, when you take over my work on Earth. As my responsibilities have increased, I’ll need a worthy replacement.”
“Me? On Earth? With You?”
Adam smiled. “You’re the only one I’d want at my side.”
Her response was to kiss him deeply. He ran his fingers through her hair.
Cain rolled his eyes. “Do you have to kiss that whore in front of me?”
Lilith glared at him, but Adam smiled diplomatically. If you two would excuse us, I’m sure you both have preparations to make, and I must have words with Michael.”
The two departed, but could be heard bickering in the hall. Adam sat down at the table, opposite Michael.
“Of all God’s angels, you were always the most loyal. It is said you killed nearly 1,000 rebel angels during the war. You have never questioned the will of our maker, and have enforced his edicts with an iron fist since the dawn of time.”
Michael regarded him coldly. “You have a point?”
Adam smiled. “How were you rewarded for this loyalty? You were the first, and so far only angel sent to hell in an exchange program. While you wallow in misery and paperwork down here, a vile demon sits at the right hand of God. Surely, that can’t sit right with you.”
Michael sighed. “Of course it doesn’t sit right with me. I’ve been down here 400 years. But what’s to be done about it?”
“Spy for me. I’ll need someone to keep an eye on developments upstairs.”
“But won’t are father know? He is omniscient, after all.”
Adam scoffed, “I seriously doubt that. He’s been expressing doubts and questions a lot recently, and beyond that, would an all-knowing, all seeing God have let a rebellion occur in the first place?”
“I suppose you’re right.”
They shook hands.
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 03/28/08
“Oh hell, it’s you.”
Satan looked up at St. Peter and smiled sweetly.
“Very amusing. Glad to see the wit has improved around here since I’ve been gone…”
“I never thought we’d be letting you and your lot back in here, but the times, they are a changin, as a mortal once said.”
It was then that Azreal descended from the skies.
“One moment, Peter. These vermin shall not enter!”
“Asimodel! We’ve missed you so! But what can you possibly mean by this outrage? I have documentation right here…”
“First of all, dark one, never call me by that name. Secondly, if you read that scroll carefully, it invites you to the gates of Heaven, not the kingdom proper. Your new duty, as decreed by our lord and creator, is to take over the guarding of the edges of Heaven, along with your cohorts. Yours will be a very important task, but this will be as close as you come to his glory.”
St. Peter smiled. “At last…”
“Lucifer somehow retained his composure, despite the naked rage evident to all. He managed a bitter chuckle.
“The Devil himself laid low by fine print! Wonders never cease. Very well, We shall be happy to relieve brother Peter of his duties, but I do request an audience with our Father. Do pass that along, would you?”
Azreal smirked. “I’ll let him know.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adam opened his eyes. Back on Earth. Wounds healed. Memories restored. He felt his sword, now invisible to mortals, at his side. It twitched like a phantom limb. Both the cops had their backs to him, engaged in some debate.
He pulled his sword, and uncloaked his wings. It was time for a peak behind the curtain.
“A vampire? Really?”
Both officers spun around, Wagner already drawing his piece. A quick chop o his neck from behind sent the gun to the floor with a clatter.
Lilith stepped out of the shadows, completely nude, with an unconscious Johnny Dep at her feet.
“Caught this one out in the hall, running like hell.”
Logan, prepared to do battle with an undead parasite, was at a bit of a loss when confronted with the divine. He stuttered for the first time in decades:
“Ay Ay Ay angel?”
Adam smiled. “The first, actually. First man too. Though I forgot most of that until just recently.”
“Now what? Kill them?” Lilith was now beside her husband, with the actor over her shoulders like a sack of spuds.
Adam paused to admire her. “We gotta get you some clothes, if I’m ever gonna concentrate on the job. But no. No need to kill these boys. They’re fine young upstanding police officers!” He re-cloaked his wings and sword, looking once more like a mortal man.
Logan managed: “I’m ah ah actually sus sus suspended.”
“And if you heroically engage in helping me stop a planned mass murder at the Oscars tonight, you just might get your badge back, right?”
Logan swallowed his stutter: “Probably.”
Lilith grinned. “I’ll wake Edward Scissorhands up.”
Wagner just rolled his eyes. “This whole thing is stupid!”
“Oh hell, it’s you.”
Satan looked up at St. Peter and smiled sweetly.
“Very amusing. Glad to see the wit has improved around here since I’ve been gone…”
“I never thought we’d be letting you and your lot back in here, but the times, they are a changin, as a mortal once said.”
It was then that Azreal descended from the skies.
“One moment, Peter. These vermin shall not enter!”
“Asimodel! We’ve missed you so! But what can you possibly mean by this outrage? I have documentation right here…”
“First of all, dark one, never call me by that name. Secondly, if you read that scroll carefully, it invites you to the gates of Heaven, not the kingdom proper. Your new duty, as decreed by our lord and creator, is to take over the guarding of the edges of Heaven, along with your cohorts. Yours will be a very important task, but this will be as close as you come to his glory.”
St. Peter smiled. “At last…”
“Lucifer somehow retained his composure, despite the naked rage evident to all. He managed a bitter chuckle.
“The Devil himself laid low by fine print! Wonders never cease. Very well, We shall be happy to relieve brother Peter of his duties, but I do request an audience with our Father. Do pass that along, would you?”
Azreal smirked. “I’ll let him know.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adam opened his eyes. Back on Earth. Wounds healed. Memories restored. He felt his sword, now invisible to mortals, at his side. It twitched like a phantom limb. Both the cops had their backs to him, engaged in some debate.
He pulled his sword, and uncloaked his wings. It was time for a peak behind the curtain.
“A vampire? Really?”
Both officers spun around, Wagner already drawing his piece. A quick chop o his neck from behind sent the gun to the floor with a clatter.
Lilith stepped out of the shadows, completely nude, with an unconscious Johnny Dep at her feet.
“Caught this one out in the hall, running like hell.”
Logan, prepared to do battle with an undead parasite, was at a bit of a loss when confronted with the divine. He stuttered for the first time in decades:
“Ay Ay Ay angel?”
Adam smiled. “The first, actually. First man too. Though I forgot most of that until just recently.”
“Now what? Kill them?” Lilith was now beside her husband, with the actor over her shoulders like a sack of spuds.
Adam paused to admire her. “We gotta get you some clothes, if I’m ever gonna concentrate on the job. But no. No need to kill these boys. They’re fine young upstanding police officers!” He re-cloaked his wings and sword, looking once more like a mortal man.
Logan managed: “I’m ah ah actually sus sus suspended.”
“And if you heroically engage in helping me stop a planned mass murder at the Oscars tonight, you just might get your badge back, right?”
Logan swallowed his stutter: “Probably.”
Lilith grinned. “I’ll wake Edward Scissorhands up.”
Wagner just rolled his eyes. “This whole thing is stupid!”