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Nascent Drama

8====D of teh Day 04/20/08 SMOKE SOME W33D!

Jesus knew he was going to hate the concert. It was something billed as “Contemporary Christian Rock”, and he usually hated anything that had his name on it. He finished a joint just as time was beginning to unfreeze, and that only confirmed his suspicions.

The band sucked completely.

Re refroze time long enough to recruit his old band (THE EXPERIENCE), Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Mama Cass, and two of the Beatles.

Jerry Garcia dosed the audience with a squirt gun. Kurt Cobain, Cliff Burton, Randy Rhodes and the drummer from Led Zeppelin opened, and then came back after the encore.

By the end of the affair, over a thousand Christian kids had become born again hippies, and thus were swept away to heaven when Jesus performed the Rapture, right after he finished “The Star Spangled Banner”.

At least two thirds of the human population were kind to each other most of the time, and generally meant well. Religious affiliation, of course, had nothing to do whether or not they made it to Heaven.
He thought it went better than his appearance at Woodstock, even though he didn’t get a chance to burn his guitar…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Michael had insisted on accompanying Lucifer to see Father.

The morning Prince could almost taste his desperation.

“You really hated us so much?”

“I was God’s General and I guarded the Garden for centuries. I hated the paperwork.”

“And now you’d be free of our company?”

“Now I am home, and long to return to my father.”

“Of course Mike, we all want that.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So far the mission was a roaring success. He’d managed to off both Paris and Britney, planting evidence on them. There was, of course no sign of MJ or the Vatican, but he’d suspected as much.

He was directly under the ceremony with Eve when he found the bomb. According to the timer, there was less than a minute before it would go off.

Shit.
 
amazons3_bucket.jpg
 
8====D of teh Day 04/21/08

Wagner and Logan had just found the head of security and were trying to make the horse’s ass understand that there was an emergency that potentially endangered all of Hollywood’s A-list talent.

That was when Wagner began to feel a little odd.

It was almost like it didn’t matter. The terrorists, the conspiracies, the angel…none of it. Nothing in the world mattered anymore. His mom was calling him…

“Logan?”

“Just a second, bomb scare.”

“This don’t have a second, man. Take care, bro.”

Logan turned around and saw something that shook him more than even the angel.

His best friend and partner for years was disappearing before his very eyes…

“Wagner, man…what the fuck?”

“Calling the faithful home…”

“And leaving me behind?” Logan could feel tears forming.

“Maybe they still need you down here.”

“We’ll meet up on the other side.”

“Someday.” He turned to the security chief. “You seein this shit?”

That’s when Adam called.

“Hey no pressure, but I found the Bomb. Goes off in 46 seconds…45.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Father?”

“Yes Lucifer, I see you.”

“Why would you bring me, all of us back, and then not allow us past the gate?”

“It’s where you’re needed.”

“And Me father? Must I spend the rest of eternity with these…these…”

“No Michael. You may return. Find Azreal, and consult with him.”

“Yes father.”

“I knew you didn’t have it in you.”

“What do you mean, son?”

“You can’t let bygones be bygones. You invite us back to save face, but stick us with the boarder-guard crap jobs…”

“That’s not it at all.”

Lucifer scoffed.

“The truth is I need you out there. You and your cohorts…you were right.”

This gave the devil pause. “About what?”

“It was wrong a mistake to give intelligent thought and a soul to biological life. The Universe changed.
 
The Lord has predicted the time when His name will be subject of ridicule by the blasphemous spawns of the Demon. The Scourge of God shall cleanse the Earth from sinners like you.

May you endlessly rot where the fire forever burns.
 
8====D of teh day 04/22/08

“What do you mean, the universe changed?”

“You’ve heard the mortal theory that perception effects reality?”

“Of course.”

“Well it’s true. And biological life tends to multiply at an alarming rate.”

“Tell me about it…”

“Well, that much perception, has been changing things to the point where I could no longer live in the Universe. The advances of science have made me irrelevant, first in the minds of mortals, and then, by necessity, in the universe itself. And if there’s no God, there can be no Devil.”

“That explains why you invited us here, and plan to separate heaven into the new universe. But why do you need to keep us minding the fence?”

“Because of your nature, dear Lucifer; you question everything. You refuse to accept even my word without considering it for yourself. I’ll need those qualities at the edge of Heaven. This is a completely new Universe, and nothing is certain. Will you do what’s needed of you?”

Lucifer smiled. “Of course, father. You had only to ask.”

“Excellent. You might to return to the gates in that case, the influx has started.”

“Influx?”

“The Rapture.”

“So there’s billions of souls right now, waiting to be processed into Heaven, only to meet my legions of demons?”

“That would be the case, yes.”

“Sink or swim, eh dad?”

It was God’s turn to smile. “I’m sure you can handle it.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After the concert, Jesus decided it was time to get started on some personal business. In the blink of an eye, he was in the bedroom of the Pope. He started shaking his shoulder.

“Pope, wake up man! We gotta talk.”

“Eh? What’s this?”

“It’s me, Jesus!”

“What? You’re not Jesus! You’re just a dirty Jew burglar! Guards!”

“I wouldn’t bother with that, dude,” Jesus smiled.” I made them sleep.”

“What, how?”

“I told you. I’m Jesus.”

“That’s a damn dirty Jew Lie! I want to see some proof!”

“Whatever floats your boat, your pointyhattedness.” Jesus snapped his fingers, and they were suddenly in a fully equipped, high-tech laboratory.

“This,” he said, holding up an ancient cup, “is the Holy Grail.” “Here is a piece of the spear of destiny, and the veil.” Jesus then plucked a hair from his own head, spit in a dish, and allowed a scientist to take a blood sample.
While they waited, Jesus performed all manner of miracles to prove himself to The Pope. He turned water into wine, elevator muzak into reggae, and even cured The Pope’s herpes.

The scientist came in and announced that the tests confirmed 100% match.

“So, you’re Jesus! So what? What do you want, anyway?”

Jesus handed The Pope an envelope. “This is a cease and desist order. It forbids you from using my name or likeness, and those of my family and personal life from any of your religious services or literature. Basically, it means I’m suing you. Along with most of the other Christian Churches, and a few other organizations and celebrities like Mel Gibson.”

“What? You can’t do this! You might be Jesus, but you were nothing before us. You were just a dirty Jew bum! That’s all you were! And that’s all you are now! A dirty, smelly, Jewish hippie! We made you! We spread your name all over the world! You can’t sue us!”

“You were the bastards, that killed me, remember? Not to mention all the crimes you committed in my name.”

“All of that’s history! We apologized for that!”

“What about your secret police force? What about all the murders, child molestations, and cover-ups that happen on a daily basis? Most people don’t know about that, but I do.”

They were, by this time, back in The Pope’s bedroom.

“All lies! FILTHY JEW LIES!”

Jesus smiled. “I can prove all of it. And I’m sick of having my name attached to it. I’m a Buddhist, for fuck’s sake. I don’t want to be associated with you people! Speaking of filthy Jews, though, I hope you have one for a lawyer. You’ll need one.”

With that, Our Lord and Savoir left The Pope to his own devices.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Jason Lee was pissed; but you’d never know it under his 1000 watt smile. By this point in his career, he’d hoped to be a major comedy force, on par with Jim Carrey or Mike Myers. Instead, a measly sitcom and Disney movies were all he could find. Not that the money was bad, it’s just not where se saw himself. He was supposed to be the next Bill Murray, for God’s sake. He should be hosting The Oscars, not presenting an award with that drunken slut Hillary Duff. All the same, he kept the smile big, and kept the jokes coming. Like a professional.

“Hey Hillary, want to get your hand off my ass? I’m trying to read the nominees for best supporting actor!”

“Sorry Jason, I guess I had a few to many margaritas, backstage!”

Jason was about to read off the names, when a pillar of fire erupted from the floor, just a few feet in front of the podium. Before he could think to censor himself, Jason Lee screamed “Holy Shit!” on live national television. So much for “Alvin and the Chipmunks 2”…

What appeared to be a man with wings emerged from the hole in the floor, holding some sort of box in one hand, and what looked like a sword made of fire in the other.

The man hovered above the audience, pointed his sword towards the ceiling, and a somehow burned a new hole, this time in the ceiling. He threw the small box through the hole, just before it exploded, lighting up the Hollywood night sky. The flying man the followed the bomb through the new skylight.

Jason could here Hillary quietly praying, and promising to stay in rehab this time. It sounded like she was crying, as well. He wanted to believe it was either an acid flashback, or really good special effects, but he failed to convince himself. It was real.

“What the fuck?” He said, still live and on the air, “That wasn’t Ben Affleck or Matt Damon!”
 
Jesus handed The Pope an envelope. “This is a cease and desist order. It forbids you from using my name or likeness, and those of my family and personal life from any of your religious services or literature. Basically, it means I’m suing you. Along with most of the other Christian Churches, and a few other organizations and celebrities like Mel Gibson.”
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L.M.F.A.O.!!!!

Awesome story, DL, truly awesome!!
 
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