Shitty Dual
schroedinger's fat
The many faces of 0_o
Troll Kingdom
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Nascent Drama
- Thread starter Bickendan
- Start date
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 04/24/08
The fire crews were still working, and the cameras were still running, but so far Logan had managed to avoid any reporters. Luckily, no one had been injured, and only Spears and Hilton were dead.
There seemed to be a lot of rumors of people disappearing however; a lot of rumors. It seems Wagner wasn’t the only one…
It didn’t take long to find Adam and Lilith, or to compare notes and catch up.
“So he just disappeared?” Lilith asked him.
“Right in front of my eyes.”
“Sounds like Jesus.” Adam offered.
“He’s here?”
“Should be, by now. Started the Rapture, would be my guess.”
“So is the world ending?”
No, nothing like that. The Apocalypse has been canceled, from what I heard.”
“So now what?”
“Now, you need a job. Both of you. Go home, Logan. See your wife and kids, you’ll hear from me in a few days.”
“Wait. What kind of job?”
Adam smiled. “Pretty much stuff like this.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Lucifer reached the gates, he had to stop a moment to take in the sight before him.
There was an ocean of souls in front of him. Humanity for as far as the eye could see.
Something like this would never have happened in Hell, not on his watch, at least.
“Hey, Boss. Where’s Mickey?”
“Hey yourself. Michael isn’t coming back. Why hasn’t anyone gotten started with this mess?”
“We were waiting for you. We didn’t know what to do.”
“Do? What’s to do, you imbecile? You make sure they’re who the books says they are, make sure they’ve lived the life the book says they lived, then you let them through the fucking gate! It’s not rocket science!”
“What’s rocket science?”
“Never mind, moron! Just get the rest of your worthless brothers and sisters together. You’ll all be security. Make sure no one tries to sneak girly mags in here, or starts a fight. I’ll be up here at the podium, if anyone needs me.”
The Devil muttered under his breath. No discipline, no intelligence. Why was good help so hard to find? Oh well, time to address the masses. Using his demonic voice, he made sure every one of the billions of souls present heard him.
“Ok, I want a single file line, starting at the gate. There’s no paperwork involved, but please be prepared to answer all questions honestly and promptly. There’s a lot of you to get through, so let’s get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible.”
“We don’t have to listen to you!”
“Yeah! You’re the DEVIL!”
“Where’s St. Peter?”
“Is this some kind of trick?
Satan sighed softly. It was going to be a long eternity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today on Oprah, I have two very special, and two very biblical guests…I didn’t believe it at first, but it’s been confirmed. So without further ado, ley’s bring them out! Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Jesus Christ and Adam!
They walked out together, smiling and waving to the audience.
“So, gentlemen. Lots of big things going on in the news today, and I guess you two are behind most of it, we have the averted crisis at the Oscars, and Jesus, I guess you’re suing all the Churches?”
“And Mel Gibson.”
“An Mel Gibson, we’ll get to all that later. He first thing, the big thing, is what? 60? 70? Percent of the Earth’s population gone. Just like that.”
“66.6% actually, Oprah.”
“Whoa. That’s a weird number. So what was the deciding factor there?”
“Well, Oprah, as most people can guess now, it had nothing to do with religion, that whole repenting thing, or turning your life over to me…that was mostly B.S. The people I called all lived good lives, they helped people more then they hurt, and they didn’t have anything left to learn or contribute down here. Like you, Oprah, you’ve mostly been a good person, but you still have work to do. I think your show has been a positive force in the world, and that’s why you stayed behind.”
“Well thank you Jesus, that means so much, coming from you!”
Thunderous applause erupted from the audience.
“Now Jesus, I understand you’ve just recently returned to Earth,”
“That’s correct. I’ve been back about a week now.”
“While you, Adam, have been among us since the Dawn of Mankind?”
“That’s right Oprah, I’ve been among you the whole time.”
“Working in secret, helping us all this time?”
“Well, I’d like to think I was helping…”
“What you did at the Academy Awards, seems helpful!”
They show a brief clip, with most of Jason Lee’s cursing bleeped out.
“Well, Oprah, I’ll be honest. Most celebrities aren’t my favorite people. Present company excluded, of course. Most famous people are self absorbed arrogant pricks, but even they don’t deserve to die like that.”
“Whoa, Adam! Not trying to make any friends in Hollywood today, are you?”
Adam chuckled softly. “No, Oprah, I guess I’m not.”
“That’s fine. What I wanted to ask you though, is why wait till now to reveal yourself? Why wait so long?”
“The thing is, I’ve had amnesia most of my life. Every few decades or so, I’d forget just about everything about myself. I’d know enough to change my appearance, or move away, to protect my secret, but I didn’t know why I was doing it. I didn’t know my own secret. I knew my mission, but I never knew why I was doing it.”
“Well that’s just heartbreaking,” Oprah commented, prompting “awwwww”s from the audience. “But what’s this mission, you’re talking about?”
“Mostly it’s protecting humanity, but it’s not as glamorous, as it sounds. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of. Most of them I can’t talk about on network television, and wouldn’t want to anyway. But there was always a good reason for everything I did, even if I didn’t always know it at the time.”
“That’s really fascinating, but you have your memory back now?”
“Yes Oprah, for better or worse.”
“And I gotta ask, the wings? The sword?”
“Well, not too many people know this, but I’m not just the first man, I’m also the first Angel. This is something I just got back, along with my memories…”
“That’s not all you got back, from what I heard, there’s a lucky lady back in your life now?”
“That’s right, I’ve reunited with my first wife, Lilith.”
More “awww”s, this time from both Oprah herself, as well as the audience.
“That’s really sweet, Adam. I hope everything works out for you!”
“Thank you, Oprah.”
“What abut you, Jesus? Seeing anyone?”
“No Oprah, not right now. I have the worst luck with women.”
Laughs from the audience. “Now I understand both of you have issues with the major Christian churches, particularly the Catholics?”
“I want to stress here, that it’s not the average churchgoers I have issue with, it’s the upper clergy.”
“They’re real bastards,” Adam chimed in, “Earlier, when I said I was protecting humanity, that’s who I was protecting you from.”
“And that book, I can’t tell you how much trouble that thing’s caused.”
“You mean the Bible?” Oprah blurted, shocked.
“Yeah, pure rubbish.”
“So what’s the real secret of getting into Heaven?”
“It’s pretty simple Oprah, just love each other. Be nice to people, help more than you hurt.”
“Love thy neighbor? Turn the other cheek?”
“Well ok, the book got a few things right.”
The fire crews were still working, and the cameras were still running, but so far Logan had managed to avoid any reporters. Luckily, no one had been injured, and only Spears and Hilton were dead.
There seemed to be a lot of rumors of people disappearing however; a lot of rumors. It seems Wagner wasn’t the only one…
It didn’t take long to find Adam and Lilith, or to compare notes and catch up.
“So he just disappeared?” Lilith asked him.
“Right in front of my eyes.”
“Sounds like Jesus.” Adam offered.
“He’s here?”
“Should be, by now. Started the Rapture, would be my guess.”
“So is the world ending?”
No, nothing like that. The Apocalypse has been canceled, from what I heard.”
“So now what?”
“Now, you need a job. Both of you. Go home, Logan. See your wife and kids, you’ll hear from me in a few days.”
“Wait. What kind of job?”
Adam smiled. “Pretty much stuff like this.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Lucifer reached the gates, he had to stop a moment to take in the sight before him.
There was an ocean of souls in front of him. Humanity for as far as the eye could see.
Something like this would never have happened in Hell, not on his watch, at least.
“Hey, Boss. Where’s Mickey?”
“Hey yourself. Michael isn’t coming back. Why hasn’t anyone gotten started with this mess?”
“We were waiting for you. We didn’t know what to do.”
“Do? What’s to do, you imbecile? You make sure they’re who the books says they are, make sure they’ve lived the life the book says they lived, then you let them through the fucking gate! It’s not rocket science!”
“What’s rocket science?”
“Never mind, moron! Just get the rest of your worthless brothers and sisters together. You’ll all be security. Make sure no one tries to sneak girly mags in here, or starts a fight. I’ll be up here at the podium, if anyone needs me.”
The Devil muttered under his breath. No discipline, no intelligence. Why was good help so hard to find? Oh well, time to address the masses. Using his demonic voice, he made sure every one of the billions of souls present heard him.
“Ok, I want a single file line, starting at the gate. There’s no paperwork involved, but please be prepared to answer all questions honestly and promptly. There’s a lot of you to get through, so let’s get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible.”
“We don’t have to listen to you!”
“Yeah! You’re the DEVIL!”
“Where’s St. Peter?”
“Is this some kind of trick?
Satan sighed softly. It was going to be a long eternity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today on Oprah, I have two very special, and two very biblical guests…I didn’t believe it at first, but it’s been confirmed. So without further ado, ley’s bring them out! Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Jesus Christ and Adam!
They walked out together, smiling and waving to the audience.
“So, gentlemen. Lots of big things going on in the news today, and I guess you two are behind most of it, we have the averted crisis at the Oscars, and Jesus, I guess you’re suing all the Churches?”
“And Mel Gibson.”
“An Mel Gibson, we’ll get to all that later. He first thing, the big thing, is what? 60? 70? Percent of the Earth’s population gone. Just like that.”
“66.6% actually, Oprah.”
“Whoa. That’s a weird number. So what was the deciding factor there?”
“Well, Oprah, as most people can guess now, it had nothing to do with religion, that whole repenting thing, or turning your life over to me…that was mostly B.S. The people I called all lived good lives, they helped people more then they hurt, and they didn’t have anything left to learn or contribute down here. Like you, Oprah, you’ve mostly been a good person, but you still have work to do. I think your show has been a positive force in the world, and that’s why you stayed behind.”
“Well thank you Jesus, that means so much, coming from you!”
Thunderous applause erupted from the audience.
“Now Jesus, I understand you’ve just recently returned to Earth,”
“That’s correct. I’ve been back about a week now.”
“While you, Adam, have been among us since the Dawn of Mankind?”
“That’s right Oprah, I’ve been among you the whole time.”
“Working in secret, helping us all this time?”
“Well, I’d like to think I was helping…”
“What you did at the Academy Awards, seems helpful!”
They show a brief clip, with most of Jason Lee’s cursing bleeped out.
“Well, Oprah, I’ll be honest. Most celebrities aren’t my favorite people. Present company excluded, of course. Most famous people are self absorbed arrogant pricks, but even they don’t deserve to die like that.”
“Whoa, Adam! Not trying to make any friends in Hollywood today, are you?”
Adam chuckled softly. “No, Oprah, I guess I’m not.”
“That’s fine. What I wanted to ask you though, is why wait till now to reveal yourself? Why wait so long?”
“The thing is, I’ve had amnesia most of my life. Every few decades or so, I’d forget just about everything about myself. I’d know enough to change my appearance, or move away, to protect my secret, but I didn’t know why I was doing it. I didn’t know my own secret. I knew my mission, but I never knew why I was doing it.”
“Well that’s just heartbreaking,” Oprah commented, prompting “awwwww”s from the audience. “But what’s this mission, you’re talking about?”
“Mostly it’s protecting humanity, but it’s not as glamorous, as it sounds. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of. Most of them I can’t talk about on network television, and wouldn’t want to anyway. But there was always a good reason for everything I did, even if I didn’t always know it at the time.”
“That’s really fascinating, but you have your memory back now?”
“Yes Oprah, for better or worse.”
“And I gotta ask, the wings? The sword?”
“Well, not too many people know this, but I’m not just the first man, I’m also the first Angel. This is something I just got back, along with my memories…”
“That’s not all you got back, from what I heard, there’s a lucky lady back in your life now?”
“That’s right, I’ve reunited with my first wife, Lilith.”
More “awww”s, this time from both Oprah herself, as well as the audience.
“That’s really sweet, Adam. I hope everything works out for you!”
“Thank you, Oprah.”
“What abut you, Jesus? Seeing anyone?”
“No Oprah, not right now. I have the worst luck with women.”
Laughs from the audience. “Now I understand both of you have issues with the major Christian churches, particularly the Catholics?”
“I want to stress here, that it’s not the average churchgoers I have issue with, it’s the upper clergy.”
“They’re real bastards,” Adam chimed in, “Earlier, when I said I was protecting humanity, that’s who I was protecting you from.”
“And that book, I can’t tell you how much trouble that thing’s caused.”
“You mean the Bible?” Oprah blurted, shocked.
“Yeah, pure rubbish.”
“So what’s the real secret of getting into Heaven?”
“It’s pretty simple Oprah, just love each other. Be nice to people, help more than you hurt.”
“Love thy neighbor? Turn the other cheek?”
“Well ok, the book got a few things right.”
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
Almost to page 3! FUCK THE DRAMA, WE WANT KARMA!
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D ~o ~o ~o
Shitty Dual
schroedinger's fat
CMON PUSH IT OVER U KNOW U WANT 2
Shitty Dual
schroedinger's fat
THREAD MAY NOT BE BRAND NEW BUT ITS STILL A FOR KARMA SPANKING WHORE
.
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
PAGE 3 AND TEH KARMA TRAIN KEEPZ ROLLIN!
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
( . ) ( . )
Loktar
Pinata Whacker
Chug-a-chuga.....WOOT! WOOT!
