Menu
What's new
Troll Kingdom

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Wacky Reviews: Star Trek

The Child - Season two! We start with some REALLY spectacular music that doesn't seem to fit what's happening on screen (a shuttle taking off) but is nice to hear, and then Riker (WITH A BEARD) sits down in his chair in an awesome way and Picard says his new catchphrases "Grand!" and Geodi's the Chief Engineer now and that's a lot to take in! Riker also stands up from the chair in the same way which is even more awesome! A ball of light enters the ship...then seemingly flies right up between Troi's legs while she sleeps in bed (seriously that's how they did it.) Picard says "grand" again and can't remember the name of the new Doctor (seems unlikely.) She's in TEN FORWARD (never heard of it!) and Picard talks to Wesley on the Turbolift. He's supposed to be leaving the ship to be with his mother who is the new head of Starfleet Medical. Ten Forward is a bar where WHOOPI GOLDBERG works and the new Doctor Pulaski has shocking news about Troi. Is it that Troi's season two costume has much less cleavage? No, it's that she's pregnant and the baby is growing super fast. Riker (quite rudley) asks who the father is and Troi talks about a "presence" entering her body. Worf says OBVIOUSLY the pregnancy must be terminated. Good old Worf. Troi says she's going to have the baby. She has a big baby bump in the next scene as the Enterprise arrives at the planet for the usual "alien plague" subplot that every episode of season one had. I'm not going to bother saying anything about it because who cares really!?

Troi's about to give birth and Data's going to hold her hand, which Pulaski calls "the cold hand of technology." It was a really stupid move having Pulaski insult the most popular character in one of her first scenes. Riker menacingly watches Troi as she gives birth. It's just a normal human boy and Troi calls it Ian, the most boring of names. The scene plays ot like we're supposed to be happy about Troi's beautiful baby and forget the part where she was raped by a ball of light. Ian continues to grow super fast and looks like a four year old the next day. Also he can talk. Troi doesn't find this creepy at all. Pulaski pronounces Data's name wrong then gets pissy with him when he corrects her. Urgh, why are they doing this. She's not Bones and he's not Spock, just stop it. Chief O'Brien is finally doing his proper job of transporting stuff! Troi keeps acting like her creepy child is normal. He says he isn't ready to tell them why he came to the ship. Wesley talks to Guinan about his feelings. It's actually a good scene!

Something goes wrong with the alien plague thing. It's boring, who cares. Riker wants to seperate the saucer but they can't afford the special effects for that anymore. Ian admits that it's his fault the thing that went wrong went wrong (or something) and Troi does some bad acting crying over this boy she's known for two days. He dies. But then he turns back into a ball of light! Troi suddenly knows everything about him, he was a "lifeforce entity" who wanted to learn about humanity by living a human life. Okay? And the point is? Wesley decides to remain on the Enterprise and it's actually kind of nice? Worf accepts responsibility for tucking him in at night!

Since this is the first episode of the season there's a lot of new stuff to introduce, and that at least brings some interesting stuff to the episode. Riker's beard is great. Geordi as Chief Engineer is a good move, but there's no explanation to why he was flying the ship for a year if he was an Engineer all along. Guinan is a good new addition and has the best scene of the episode with Welsey. Diana Muldaur is a better actress than Gates McFadden and does good work as Pulaski, but having her be so rude to Data was a horrible move. Anyway, all of this new stuff can't distract away from the fact that the main plot of this episode is absolutely crap. It's a rewrite of a Star Trek Phase 2 episode because there was a writer's strike going on, but that's not excuse really! Troi just acts like she's fine being violated by a ball of light and like her son is perfectly normal as he ages 12 years in a couple of days. There's no drama to it and the relationship between them is not believable at all. All Ian does in the episode is grow up then turn into a ball of light again. It's pointless! We're supposed to feel sad that Troi lost her child but it doesn't work in any way. The plot with the plague samples was boring and full of technobabble. When Wesley's plot is better than the main plot you know it's not a good episode.

SCORE: 4.5/10
 
Last edited:
Well if this actually was a phase II episode then it would have been Decker and Ilea, and Decker knows a thing or two about violations.
 
At least they worked harder later on and got this plot device right with The Inner Light.

I knew Whoopi didn't join until season 2 but I hadn't realized that 10 Forward had never even been mentioned before that.

YAY THE BEARD IS HERE! Now just one more season with the bad uniforms, and we're in the clear!
 
rsuXB69.gif
 
Where Silence Has Lease - Cool name for an episode! Picard is really worried about Riker and Worf. They're fighting monsters together int he Holodeck. Why would Picard be worried about that? It has safeties! Worf wear a big metal glove with spikes on it and Riker slides down a pole. Worf kills a Skeletor guy then turns into an animal and nearly attacks Riker. This is the teaser scene so I guess this is going to be an episode about Worf's violence or Riker's fear of Worf or something, right? The Enterprise encounters a "hole" in space and investigates becaue it's so damn unique according to Date (I'm sure there was a TOS episode with something similar.) It reminds Worf of a Klingon legend of a gigantic black space creature that eats spaceships. Suddenly the hole swallows up the Enterprise. It would have been a pretty boring episode if it hadn't. Pulaski shows up on the Bridge for no reason so we can have another annoying bit of her being rude about Data ("IT does know how to do these things, doesn't it?") The Enterprise finds it can't escape from the void. Weird stuff happens like the Enterprise coming across a beacon they just flew away from and a Romulan Warbird suddenly decloaking and firing at them. The Enterprise's sister ship the Yamato then shows up, but it doesn't respond to hails and there's no life signs. Riker and Worf beam over (O'Brien gets to do something!) to investigate. It's pretty eerie as they walk around the empty ship and can hear each other screaming. I SHOULD NOTE that Wesley has suddenly been replaced on the Bridge by a black guy. Like there's literally no reason Wesley wouldn't be there, he's just vanished between scenes. Things get even weirder for Riker and Worf when they find that the ship has two Bridges which loop back around into each other. It's cool! An opening in the void appears and the Enterprise has a chance to escape, but Riker and Worf can't be beamed back. Worf then FREAKS OUT and utters the immortal line "A ship has one Bridge! One Riker! One Bridge! RRRRRAHAHAHA!" He growls at Riker again but pulls himself together. Black guy really wants to escape even if it means Riker and Worf die, but the opening disappears after they're beamed back. Riker says he's had it and it's time to put all their technology to work and get out of here. Picard smiles because he likes passionate Riker.

We finally find out who's behind all this: a big face in space with a silly voice. Its name is Nagilum and it doesn't know what women are so it makes Pulaski dance about and asks for a sex demonstration. It kills black guy (who does the best dying redshirt face ever) to learn about death. Sure is lucky Wesley wasn't sitting in his usual place! Nagilum says he'll have to kill a tthird of the crew to experience every kind of death. Picard decides to destroy the ship and kill everyone so that Nagilum doesn't get his information. Troi and Data visit Picard, acting weird. Data asks Picard to define death. Picard makes some wishy-washy "I don't know maybe there's an afterlife because of science or something" speech that doesn't land at all. Nagilum lets them leave the void for some reason. Picard wants to make sure it isn't another trick, even though there's only one minute left on the auto destruct. Picard finally cancels it and Riker is funny making sure to be clear to the computer that he agrees. Nagilum appears to Picard and says he's learned all he needed to know (that was lucky) and says the usual stuff about humans being hostile and violent.

This episode has some very good stuff in it. The first half is really quite good with the Enterprise conducing a scientific investigation of the void and it gradually gets weirder as it goes on. The director does a great job making the scenes of Riker and Worf in the Yamato creepy and I do enjoy Worf's freakout a lot. Some of the stuff with Nagilum is good but Nagilum himself isn't that interesting a character. Where it really fails is Picard's speech about death. It could have been a defining moment for Picard but instead it just isn't very good! And I still don't buy Nagilum just suddenly deciding to let them go when the Enterprise is about to self destruct. What does he care if they live or die? It's also really weird how the teaser is all about Worf working out on Holodeck and being a bit crazy, making you think it's going to be a Worf centric episode. Sure there's one more scene of him going a bit nuts with Riker but nothing comes of that either and it makes you wonder if there was originally going to be a lot more Worf nearly hitting Riker stuff but they cut it down to just those two scenes. Anyway this I still have a soft spot for this episode because of some strong Riker stuff but the ending lets it down.

SCORE: 7.5/10
 
Maybe if the ship had self destructed it would've killed Nagilium, so he just bluffed and said "um, never mind you've answered all my questions! Bye!"
 
They wanted Richard Mulligan from soap to do the voice, that's why it has his name spelled backwards.
 
Nagilum was able to do make a Romulan Warbird and USS Yamato appear from nowhere, I think he could have dealt with an exploding Enterprise. But I guess it was just as easy for him to kick them out of his belly (or whatever.)
 
Last edited:
Elementary, Dear Data - Geordi builds a model sailing ship for a Captain he used to sail with. Data is amazed that it isn't a computer simulation. But he also has a PIPE for Data because it's time for them to go play at Sherlock and Watson on the Holodeck! Data knows everything about Sherlock Holmes. It seems to really excite him. Almost as if Data has emotions. Lestrade arrives with a case. Everyone has bad English accents, even Data. Geordi storms out when Data solves his first mystery because Data has all the Holmes stories memorised so there's no fun in it. Pulaski happens to overhear and of course will take any opportunity to point out how Data isn't as good as a human. Pulaski joins them in the Holodeck as Data attempts to solve an original Holmes mystery, and we go through the same thing as 'The Big Goobdye' with Puaski being impressed be how realistic the Holodeck is. But to be fair it doesn't go on as long as in that episode. Pulaski still isn't impressed by Data so Geordi asks the computer to create an adversary who can defeat Data. Professor Moriarty suddenly feels like a new man and is able to give orders to the Holodeck. You'd think there would be a safety feature to stop things like that happening. Pulaski is grabbed by two men. Maybe they don't like the way she talks to Data. Geordi tries to solve an irrelevant case in a hilariously bad English accent (I'm pretty sure it's on purpose), but Data has to step in with the real solution. There isn't really much point of this but it's pretty funny.

Moriarty lets himself be caught because he wants Data to know that he knows Data isn't the real Holmes. He hands a drawing to Data who marches off the Holodeck in shock. OBVIOUSLY it's replicated paper and that's how it can exist off the Holodeck, no need to worry! It's a drawing of the Enterprise! And the Holodeck safeties are off! Data and Geordi go running to Picard for help. Geordi blames himself for bringing Moriarty to life by asking for a foe who can defeat Data. But really it's the Computer's fault, right? Surely the computer shouldn't be able to just bring holograms to life. Geordi explains a method that can destroy every hologram on the holodeck...but it will also kill Pulaski. Not sure why he suggested it! Picard and Worf get dressed up to go in the Holodeck too. Not sure why they bother when Moriarty already knows it's all bullshit, but I guess it's fun for them! Moriarty crams Pulaski full of crumpets. Picard and Moriarty face off. Picard explains to him what he is. Moriarty wants to be a real boy, but accepts that Picard can't help him. He doesn't want to die but Picard doesn't ant to kill him. Moriarty lets Pulaski go and gives holodeck control back to Picard. A peaceful resolution! Picard promises to save Moriarty in the databanks and bring him back when they have a way he can leave the Holodeck. Picard goes to see Geordi's model ship the end.

This is a good episode, certainly in the top five so far. But I did notice the structure is pretty weird? The first half is all about Data, Geordi and Pulaski having Holodeck fun (with a bit of Moriarty.) It's more enjoyable than 'The Big Goodbye' because Data and Geordi work really well as Holmes and Watson and Pulaski is used well for the first time. The sets and costumes and music are all very good. Things gets more serious when Moriarty starts taking over the Holodeck, but it's still Data-centric...until he goes and gets Picard. Then Data doesnt't talk for the last ten minues of the episode! It's really weird. It's a Data episode all the way until suddenly it isn't. There's no resolution at all to the Data/Pulaski story (Did he prove he's capable of original thought?) and it ends with a Picard and Geordi scene, as if they've been the main characters the whole episode. Luckily the Picard/Moriarty confrontation is great. I really appreciate how Moriarty accepts everything Picard is saying as the truth and doesn't try to kill everyone. Once he knows there's no way he can leave the Holodeck he respectfully gives up and lets everything go back to normal. It's a very Star Trek-y resolution. So yeah this is definitely a very good episode I just wonder what happened to Data in the end there.

SCORE: 8.5/10
 
The Outrageous Okono - I shuddered typing that title. The Enterprise is visiting twin planets when they find a ship in distress. There's a human male onboard and Troi is quick to tell us that he's a rogue! I think right away we're supposed to be reminded of Han Solo. If Han Solo was shite. It's Okono (Billy Campbell of The Rocketeer...wonder if Bruce Campbell would have made it a better episode?) and he's instantly taken by Transporter Officer Teri Hatcher. Which is fair enough. Wesley starts grinning like an idiot as soon as he sees Okono and it just makes Wesley look gay? Not that there's anything wrong with that. And the music makes sure to tell us "this Okono guy is outrageous!" Data doesn't understand Okono's jokes. It's as if Data's never encountered a joke before this episode. Everyone else laughs at Okono and talks about how amazing he is. Okono is Poochie. Okono goes to have sex with Teri Hatcher while Data watches and the saucy music goes completely out of control. This is pretty bad. Data goes to Guinan for help with humour and she does an unfunny "you're a droid and I'm a noid (annoyed)" joke and really you can't blame Data for not laughing at that. Data goes to the Holodeck for help from Joe Piscopo (Who? Serioulsy, who?) who is even less funny than Guinan. He does a Jerry Lewis impression which is as offensive as anything in 'Code of Honor'. I find it physically painful. There's been no other plot to this episode so far other than "look how cool Okono is!" and "Data isn't funny!" Finally some ships show up and aims lasers at the Enterprise and everyone laughs. Okono is a wanted criminal. Just give him up and end the episode! Another ship from the other planet shows up. They want Okono too! He's so outrageous that two planets want to arrest him! Worf tracks down Okono with another girl as she's been shagging his way around the ship.

Okono won't tell Picard why the two planets hate him in a scene that isn't as funny as it thinks it is (that could describe any scene in the episode.) Turns out he's gotten on girl pregnant on one plante and stole a jewel on another. There's some tedious arguing between the two planets. Wesley asks Okono if he's REALLY happy flying about between planets shagging endless beautiful women. I'm going to guess yes? But somehow Wesley gets through to him so Okono decides to face the music and the representatives of the two planets come on the ship so he can explain anything. The SHOCKING TRUTH is that Okono isn't the father of the child, it's the boy from the other planet and Okono stole the jewl for him so he could propose marriage. It's like Space Romeo and Juliet but nowhere near as much fun as that sounds! We cut away from this exciting resolution to see Data and Guinan in the Holodeck with the terrible comic. Data does his comedy routine routine in front of a holodeck audience who are programmed to laugh at everything he does. This bit is actually mildly not terrible. Data is sad to realise that he isn't funny and never will be. Guinan tells him it doesn't matter. Wesley tells Data "say goodbye, Data" to Okono and Data improbably says "goodbye, Data" and everyone laughs. A HAPPY ENDING

I don't know what they were thinking with this episode, really. Was Okono supposed to be a recurring character? That's the only reason I can think of why they'd have every character talk about how amazing he is and have the episode practically shout "YOU LIKE OKONO, HE'S A ROGUE" at you. The plot is paper thin and if it's just supposed to be a comedy episode then it doesn't work because it's not funny at all. I can't actually blame Billy Campbell for any of it because he does fine playing Okono. He could have been a good guest star as another character. It's not that Okono doesn't work becaue he's badly acted, it's all down to the writing and direction. Having everyone go on about how radical and totally in your face a character is doesn't make him likable! But the Okono plot isn't even the worst part of the episode anyway, that's the part where Data and Joe Piscopo (who?) do Jerry Lewis impressions. It's one of the worst things to happen in Star Trek so far. So yeah this is a very bad episode although despite what I said earlier I won't rank it quite as low as the racist or sexist episodes from season one. It's more embarrassing than offensive.

SCORE: 2/10
 
Loud as a Whisper - I don't really feel like writing a full description so I'll just hit the important points. Picard's reading an away team and Riker is concerned so Picard says "cluck cluck mother hen." That is an important point. It's because he's meeting a famous mediator named Riva who Worf looks up to because "before him there was no Klingon word for peacemaker." What about Gorkon? Riva is death and telepathic, speaking through a three-person chorus. And this is a total shock to Picard somehow? How did he mediate between the Klingons and the Federation without anyone noticing this? He also keeps macking onto Troi but it's okay because he's deaf. The introduction scene is really slow and we then get another slow scene of Riva being introduced to every individual main character (Geordi's VISOR is like Riva's Chorus!) Riva hits on Troi some more and blows of a briefing on the two warring factions he's supposed to mediate. Then hits on Troi again using sign language. The two factions are angsty so Riva says he doesn't want a security team with him in case it scares them.

One of the aliens betrays his partner (or whoever) and shoots Riva's Chorus. He manages to hit all three with one energy weapon shot and they all die simultaneously in a pretty graphic way. Maybe he shouldn't have blown off the briefing and refused a security team? Riva starts freaking out with sign language and Picard grabs his head and shouts "YOU ARE NOT ALONE." Data learns Riva's sign language. Riva thinks he can't help the aliens without his Chorus and blames himself for their deaths. There's a bit where Pulaski tells Geordi she could make real eyes with normal vision for him. There's no build up to this scene, it just comes out of nowhere near the end of the episde. It's well acted by Burton and Muldaur at least. Troi tells Riva to turn his disadvantage into an advantage. Riva decides to teach the two factions sign language. While they learn to communicate with Riva, they'll be learning to communicate with each other! Umm, okay? Wouldn't they just get annoyed and start shooting again?

So yeah, this episode has a decent premise with the deaf mediator who has to talk thorugh a chorus. But it then spends ages on introducing him (despite him being super famous!) before his Chorus die in a silly way and Troi saves the days by...saying stuff. I don't know. It's silly.

SCORE: 5/10
 
The Schizoid Man - Data has given himself a beard to appear more dignified. The Enterprise as at the home planet of mad scientist Ira Graves responding to a medical distress call. But there's also a space accident that Pulaski must attend to, so the Enterprise does a "near warp transport" of Data, Troi, Worf and Doctor Selar(!) to Graves' home where his cute young assistant Kareen tells them she's worried about him. Graves hits on Troi and Selar and claims to be the FATHER of Doctor Soong's work, making him Data's grandfather. Graves is a dick as you can probably tell, but quite funny thanks to W. Morgan Sheppard. He talks to Data about his plan to upload his consciousness into a computer and Data immediately tells him about his off button. Pretty stupid, Data. Right after that Data reports that Graves has died and starts being weird with the cute young assistant. Hmm. To be fair I don't think the episode is treating it like a myster or anything, it's pretty obvious what's happened. Data then performs a eulogy for Graves which is hilarious thanks to Spiner and the witty writing. "Those who knew him loved him, while those who did not know him...love him from afar." Picard and Troi are concerned about Data, while Data is talking about Wesley having a "childlike mind" and calling him "boy." If this was 'Datalore' then Wesley would have been the only one noticing this!

Data/Graves completely loses it and accuses Picard of hitting on Kareen. Troi claims she can sense human emotions coming from Data. Geordi does tests on him and Troi runs a psychological test to see if he's lost his mind. Troi's accent is really weird in this episode. She says there's another consciousness inside Data and it's eating up the real Data. Graves admits the truth to Kareen and says he'll build her an android body so they can live forever and make android love. Picard confronts Graves who says he should have the right to Data's body because he's a man and Data an unfeeling machine. Picard lets Graes know that he's accidentally broken Kareen's arm. Graves slaps Picard around too and realises that he's hurting too many people with his android body. Graves uploads himself into a computer and Data is back to normal.

This is certainly a step up from the last two episodes as Brent Spiner is a lot of fun playing Graves. The eulogy scene in particular is great. But ultimately it's all a bit predictable. Graves doesn't even try to act like Data so I'm not sure how he expected to get away with it (then again it was an impulsive decision in the first place.) Then he gives up because he realises his android body is too strong and could hurt people? It's a bit strange, really. I'm not sure if him transferring into the computer is supposed to be a happy ending either. Still it's a watchable episode all the way through!

SCORE: 7/10
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top