CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
She didn't know anything about it when they asked her what they were supposed to do.
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Wacky Reviews: Star Trek
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CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Too Short A Season - Some terrorists have taken a Federation Ambassador and others hostage. They demand to speak to Admiral Jameson, an old as fuck Admiral in absolutely shockingly terrible old age make-up who negotiated a peace treaty on the planet many years ago. And he's in command of this mission so Picard has to do what he says. But seriously the old age make-up is so bad I can't really pay attention to any of this. And the whole freaking episode is told from his point of view! Crusher thinks he's hiding something. The Admiral amazes everyone by walking after being confined to a wheelchair. He shocks his wife by suddenly looking younger then has another heart attack or something. It's pretty boring, who cares. He admits to Picard he's been taking alien drugs to reverse the aging process. He fights with this wife. Again, I don't care about this guy. He contacts the head of the planet who it turns out has the hostages himself and arranged this whole thing.
We get more talking as his wife complains that she wanted to get old with him but he turned young again without asking. Jameson has no old age make-up now so his acting is better but still not great. He admits to Picard that he armed both sides in the conflict forty five years ago because he thought that would end the fighting but it started a forty five year war instead. That's a fairly good reason for the head of the planet to want revenge. Jameson leads an armed away team to free the hostages but Picard insists on coming with them. The Admiral's intelligence on the tunnels they beam into is out of date (becaue he's old, you see!) There's a phaser fight which goes badly and the away team has to beam back to the Enterprise (that was pointless then!) The Admiral is ill but he beams down with Picard to meet the bad guy (I should have picked up his name by now, Karnas or something.) Karnas doesn't believe it's the real Jameson because he's young now. Picard tells Karnas that he chose to fight and is as responsible for the war as Jameson. Jameson has a scar that easily proves he's real (for some reason he doesn't just show it to Karnas right away.) Jameson dies and Karnas is satisfied and frees the hostages.
So, just to clarify, Jameson is supposed to be 85 years old in this episode. That's pretty old in 2017, but the old age make-up makes him look 100. We saw 137 year old Admiral McCoy in 'Farpoint' and he didn't look as old as this guy. So how did they end up with such terrible make-up? I don't know, but it killed any interest in the first half of the episode. This is another episode like 'Haven' where a guest character becomes the protaganist, so you have to care about Admiral Jameson for it to work. To be fair, the second part of the episode is better when he loses the make-up and we find out the reason why Karnas wants revenge on him. The final confrontation between him and Karnas has some good stuff (mostly from Patrick Stewart though.) So this isn't quie as terrible as some season one episode but it's still really boring and not very good!
SCORE: 4/10
We get more talking as his wife complains that she wanted to get old with him but he turned young again without asking. Jameson has no old age make-up now so his acting is better but still not great. He admits to Picard that he armed both sides in the conflict forty five years ago because he thought that would end the fighting but it started a forty five year war instead. That's a fairly good reason for the head of the planet to want revenge. Jameson leads an armed away team to free the hostages but Picard insists on coming with them. The Admiral's intelligence on the tunnels they beam into is out of date (becaue he's old, you see!) There's a phaser fight which goes badly and the away team has to beam back to the Enterprise (that was pointless then!) The Admiral is ill but he beams down with Picard to meet the bad guy (I should have picked up his name by now, Karnas or something.) Karnas doesn't believe it's the real Jameson because he's young now. Picard tells Karnas that he chose to fight and is as responsible for the war as Jameson. Jameson has a scar that easily proves he's real (for some reason he doesn't just show it to Karnas right away.) Jameson dies and Karnas is satisfied and frees the hostages.
So, just to clarify, Jameson is supposed to be 85 years old in this episode. That's pretty old in 2017, but the old age make-up makes him look 100. We saw 137 year old Admiral McCoy in 'Farpoint' and he didn't look as old as this guy. So how did they end up with such terrible make-up? I don't know, but it killed any interest in the first half of the episode. This is another episode like 'Haven' where a guest character becomes the protaganist, so you have to care about Admiral Jameson for it to work. To be fair, the second part of the episode is better when he loses the make-up and we find out the reason why Karnas wants revenge on him. The final confrontation between him and Karnas has some good stuff (mostly from Patrick Stewart though.) So this isn't quie as terrible as some season one episode but it's still really boring and not very good!
SCORE: 4/10
Fuddlemiff
Is this real life?
A lot of TV shows have that thing where an actor is so clearly encased in terrible makeup that whatever plot twist they're involved in is signposted from the very beginning and ruins the whole episode.
Doctor Who's one of the few shows I can remember which pulled it off.
Doctor Who's one of the few shows I can remember which pulled it off.
The Question
Eternal
Remember when the Tenth Doctor got gollum'd?
whisky
Boobie inspector
Like the tv show golden years, from Steven King, where an old security guard is very slowly ageing backwards, so this obviously young actor in old age makeup spent the whole season gradually getting darker hair, only for it to be cancelled at the end of season one, while he is still in old age makeup.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
When the Bough Breaks - A small child runs into Riker because he's scared of calculus. There's horrible, annoying, plinky-plonky childish music playing in this scene that's supposed to feel whimisical. It really sets the tone. A legendary planet unloacks in front of the Enterprise. They have a shield around their planet too and a super powerful transporter, so they've very advanced. Keep that in mind! And one of them is Deep Throat from the X-Files. They reveal that they can't have children and they don't know why. They will give the Enterprise advanced knowledge in exchange for SOME CHILDREN. Troi points out that humans are "unusually attached" to their children n another of those "humans are better than all other races!" moments Gene liked to put in. They steal seven children (including Wesley, of course, and calculus boy) because they need to restart their reace. With seven children. How does that work, exactly? And despite us just being told it's seven children we only see six in the episode? Then Beverly tells off a mother for being upset over losing her child. Holy shit humans were horrible in season one. Of course the children themselves are little shits who instantly start playing games with their kidnappers and calculus boy is happy to be away from his father because he doesn't have to do calculus now. So maybe Bev was right and that woman shouldn't have been upset.
Oh and guess what? The planet is ruled by a super intelligent computer! Because we haven't had enough of those already. It even has a lame TOS name ("The Custodian.") Wesley asks lots of questions about it. There's even a FORBIDDEN DOOR no one's allowed to go through. Did they just take random bits of TOS episodes and copy and paste them into this script about stealing children? Deep Throat says to Picard "why do you want your children back, you can always have more!" Good point, really! Beverly SNEAKILY smuggles a medical scanner to Wesley so he can scan his new mother. The aliens then demonstrate their power by throwing the Enterprise through space, leaving them 3 days away. That means we get more scenes of the Enterprise children with their creepy new parents. Then the Enterprise just flies back to the planet. So that was kind of pointless. Calculus boy finally remembers his dad when he sculpts a fish.
Beverly works out that the planet's ozone layer has been weakened (TOPICAL.) How come the aliens didn't work this out themselves when they have such super advanced technology? Wesley arranges a protest with the other children (and there actually are seven children in this scene! It's like the missing Dinobot in Transfromers: The Movie.) Wesley doesn't want them to eat as a protest but a bad actress little girl doesn't really understand. These scenes are terrible, by the way. I should have mentioned that. Riker and Data beam down and fuck up The Custodian. Picard has to hug the bad actress little girl. Crusher tells Deep Throat that she's easily solved the problem that left them sterile. He says their scientists would have figured this out, but Crusher says their scientists have forgotten how everything works. So the idea is that the species have become so reliant on The Custodian that they've fogotten how to do anything. But that's the first time that idea is introduced in the episode! Right at the end! The kids get to go home and the boy still has to do calculus! Also the Enterprise fixes the ozone layer but they can't use their cloak anymore. They don't have to go to SPACE COURT over any of this either. Bad actress little girl hugs Picard again and gives him a flower while the horrible music plays and everyone laughs. WHAT IS THIS, HE-MAN?
Hey, this episode is shit. The story is shit. The acting is shit. I know you can't really hold children to the same standards as adults but they're all really annoying to watch. I've always thought it was stupid how they had children on the Enterprise anyway (considering it nearly gets blown up every week) and this episode is just another example of how the show would be better off without them. There really isn't anything good here at all so let's just move on.
SCORE: 1/10
Home Soil - The Enterprise visits a desolate planet which terraformers are attempting to transform into one capable of supporting life. The terraformer leader is acting shifty (and thankfully Troi is there to tell us that yes, something is wrong!) Riker, Data and others beam down and meet a hot but wooden female scientist. She's really into terraforming! There's a LOT of talk about the mechanics of terraforming. I meant I do appreciate that they're trying to be more serious about the science fiction this time. But it's all a bit dry. Troi senses that one of the scientists is in trouble and they find him fatally injured by a laser drill. The drill attacks Data next but he smashes it up. A scientist is sad but Data says he had no choice. It's pretty funny. The crew think one of the terraformers must be to blame. Data and Geordi find a small flashing crystal light thing. Crusher does a scientific analysis of it and conclude that it's alive, even though it's just a small flashing inorganic cube thing. They think the head terraformer might have killed to cover up the fact that he was killing the lifeform. Riker goes to visit the female scientist (because he's hot and can get her to talk) and she's crying. Her acting is still weird.
The weird lifefrom replicates itself. It takes control of the medical lab. The head scientist guy admits that he knew something was going on and tried to cover it up, but says he didn't think the crystals were alive. But the other scientist says maybe he did think it was alive. It's kind of intersting because the lifeform is so different that maybe they didn't want to believe it could be alive. There's a funny bit where Worf says "I wasn't asking you!" to the computer. The lifeform breaks out and calls humans "ugly bags of mostly water" which is a useful insult. Troi saying "all life is beautiful" isn't as good. They start calling it "microbrain", an insult Q had for Worf. It declares war on the Enterprise and takes over the ship. A clearly excited Data comes up with a way to defeat the microbrain. Picard tells Microbrain he'll end the war if the microbrain agrees to stop fighting. It says "war over" and Picard sends it home. It says humans are too arrogant and primitive and should come back in three centuries.
So this is an episode I remember finding really boring when I first watched it, but I appreciated it more this time. I lked that it attempted to be intelligent. I liked that we saw the crew working together on the problem and taking a scientific approach to it. "Ugly Bags of Mostly Water" is a good line. It's basically a TNG remake of the classic original series episode 'Devil In The Dark' but it falls short of that episode. The main problem is that the aliens here are just a bit too silly. I could somehow buy that the Horta was an intelligent living rock, but little flashing crystals being intelligent? How does that work, really? So when Picard's making his big speech and Patrick Stewart is doing good acting it all comes across a bit ridiculous since he's talking to a flashing crystal. The scientists aren't super interesting characters and the one lady one is a bit wooden. So yeah this is better than a lot of TNG season one but still not quite what I want from TNG.
SCORE: 6/10
Oh and guess what? The planet is ruled by a super intelligent computer! Because we haven't had enough of those already. It even has a lame TOS name ("The Custodian.") Wesley asks lots of questions about it. There's even a FORBIDDEN DOOR no one's allowed to go through. Did they just take random bits of TOS episodes and copy and paste them into this script about stealing children? Deep Throat says to Picard "why do you want your children back, you can always have more!" Good point, really! Beverly SNEAKILY smuggles a medical scanner to Wesley so he can scan his new mother. The aliens then demonstrate their power by throwing the Enterprise through space, leaving them 3 days away. That means we get more scenes of the Enterprise children with their creepy new parents. Then the Enterprise just flies back to the planet. So that was kind of pointless. Calculus boy finally remembers his dad when he sculpts a fish.
Beverly works out that the planet's ozone layer has been weakened (TOPICAL.) How come the aliens didn't work this out themselves when they have such super advanced technology? Wesley arranges a protest with the other children (and there actually are seven children in this scene! It's like the missing Dinobot in Transfromers: The Movie.) Wesley doesn't want them to eat as a protest but a bad actress little girl doesn't really understand. These scenes are terrible, by the way. I should have mentioned that. Riker and Data beam down and fuck up The Custodian. Picard has to hug the bad actress little girl. Crusher tells Deep Throat that she's easily solved the problem that left them sterile. He says their scientists would have figured this out, but Crusher says their scientists have forgotten how everything works. So the idea is that the species have become so reliant on The Custodian that they've fogotten how to do anything. But that's the first time that idea is introduced in the episode! Right at the end! The kids get to go home and the boy still has to do calculus! Also the Enterprise fixes the ozone layer but they can't use their cloak anymore. They don't have to go to SPACE COURT over any of this either. Bad actress little girl hugs Picard again and gives him a flower while the horrible music plays and everyone laughs. WHAT IS THIS, HE-MAN?
Hey, this episode is shit. The story is shit. The acting is shit. I know you can't really hold children to the same standards as adults but they're all really annoying to watch. I've always thought it was stupid how they had children on the Enterprise anyway (considering it nearly gets blown up every week) and this episode is just another example of how the show would be better off without them. There really isn't anything good here at all so let's just move on.
SCORE: 1/10
Home Soil - The Enterprise visits a desolate planet which terraformers are attempting to transform into one capable of supporting life. The terraformer leader is acting shifty (and thankfully Troi is there to tell us that yes, something is wrong!) Riker, Data and others beam down and meet a hot but wooden female scientist. She's really into terraforming! There's a LOT of talk about the mechanics of terraforming. I meant I do appreciate that they're trying to be more serious about the science fiction this time. But it's all a bit dry. Troi senses that one of the scientists is in trouble and they find him fatally injured by a laser drill. The drill attacks Data next but he smashes it up. A scientist is sad but Data says he had no choice. It's pretty funny. The crew think one of the terraformers must be to blame. Data and Geordi find a small flashing crystal light thing. Crusher does a scientific analysis of it and conclude that it's alive, even though it's just a small flashing inorganic cube thing. They think the head terraformer might have killed to cover up the fact that he was killing the lifeform. Riker goes to visit the female scientist (because he's hot and can get her to talk) and she's crying. Her acting is still weird.
The weird lifefrom replicates itself. It takes control of the medical lab. The head scientist guy admits that he knew something was going on and tried to cover it up, but says he didn't think the crystals were alive. But the other scientist says maybe he did think it was alive. It's kind of intersting because the lifeform is so different that maybe they didn't want to believe it could be alive. There's a funny bit where Worf says "I wasn't asking you!" to the computer. The lifeform breaks out and calls humans "ugly bags of mostly water" which is a useful insult. Troi saying "all life is beautiful" isn't as good. They start calling it "microbrain", an insult Q had for Worf. It declares war on the Enterprise and takes over the ship. A clearly excited Data comes up with a way to defeat the microbrain. Picard tells Microbrain he'll end the war if the microbrain agrees to stop fighting. It says "war over" and Picard sends it home. It says humans are too arrogant and primitive and should come back in three centuries.
So this is an episode I remember finding really boring when I first watched it, but I appreciated it more this time. I lked that it attempted to be intelligent. I liked that we saw the crew working together on the problem and taking a scientific approach to it. "Ugly Bags of Mostly Water" is a good line. It's basically a TNG remake of the classic original series episode 'Devil In The Dark' but it falls short of that episode. The main problem is that the aliens here are just a bit too silly. I could somehow buy that the Horta was an intelligent living rock, but little flashing crystals being intelligent? How does that work, really? So when Picard's making his big speech and Patrick Stewart is doing good acting it all comes across a bit ridiculous since he's talking to a flashing crystal. The scientists aren't super interesting characters and the one lady one is a bit wooden. So yeah this is better than a lot of TNG season one but still not quite what I want from TNG.
SCORE: 6/10
The Question
Eternal
As I rook back on it now, most of TNG was irredeemable schlock up to "Best Of Both Worlds".
Of course, to my 12-year-old self, this was all just THE most amazing thing ever televised.
Of course, to my 12-year-old self, this was all just THE most amazing thing ever televised.
Starship Coyote
Original Gangster!
The whole first season was one long abortion. Still can't watch it.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Coming of Age - Wesley is about to be tested for entrance into Starfleet Academy and Picard's old friend Admiral Quinn has come to the Enterprise. He wants to speak to Picard ALONE. He has an investigator with him named Remmick who is going to find out what's wrong on the Enterprise. He won't tell Picard what the fuck's up. Wesley meets a cute human girl, a female Vulcan(!) and a Benzite named Mordock (blue alien who has to wear breathing equipment.) They're the four finalists for a place in the Academy, yet the guy conducting the test admits that any of the four could "easily" qualify for the Academy. So, umm, why not let them all join? Does Starfleet Academy have some serious staffing problems going on and they can only take on one new student a year? Remmick is being annoying and Riker is typically grumpy and doesn't want to speak to him. When they do speak, Riker sits down on the chair in his awesome trademark way of stepping over it and it's amazing? Is this the episode where Riker finally becomes Riker? Remmick's questions others and it's quite good because he brings up events from previious episodes, something that hasn't really happened in TNG before. Wesley does some tests, the girls calls him cute, he's scared of the psych test. He talks to Worf about it who says "only FOOLS have no fear!"
A kid who didn't qualify for the Starfleet Academy entrance exam steals a shuttle. He can't even fly a shuttle successfully (Starfleet Academy made the right choice!) but Picard talks him through what to do and saves his life. Remmick is so impressed he does a fist pump! Wesley passes a test where he encounters an alien who dislikes courtesy. It means Wil Wheaton has to act tough which is pretty funny. Remmick questions, Data, Worf and Beverly and of course he asks Bev about Picard killing her husband (but doesn't ask if Bev wants to bang him.) Wesley does another test where he helps Mordock beat him. Remmick reports to Quinn that he can't find anything wrong onboard the Enterprise and actually the Enterprise is great. He even wants to serve on it! Quinn admits that he thinks some vague threat is coming and he wants to promote Picard to Admiral and have him take over the Academy. Picard doesn't answer right away which seems kind of pointless because there's no way the viewer's going to think Picard's leaving the Enterprise. Wesley's psych test is a fake crisis on the station where he has to leave a coward to die so he can save an old man. Riker congratulates Picard on his new position (or is Riker just excited because he thinks he gets to be Captain.) Mordock is the candidate who makes it to the Academy. The others have to wait a whole year to try again which is frankly absurd. Wesley thinks he's failed Picard but Picard tells him he hasn't failed if he did his best! Picard failed the first time too! And he turns down the Admiral position obviously.
This episode's actually pretty decent! It's a character episode and we good character stuff for Wesley (yes, Wesley), Picard, Riker, Worf, Beverly and Data, all to some extent. Yar isn't in it because she's not a character. I do think the Starfleet Academy entrance policy is ridiculous. If all four are good enough for the Academy, then let them in! Even if the idea is that all four are from the same area of space and they can only have one candidate from that area, that still doesn't work since Wesley's from Earth and there's a Vulcan girl there too and I'm sure the Academy allows me than one human to join and more than one Vulcan to join each year! It's really hard to make sesne of it so let's just ignore it The exam stuff is pretty good and probably the best Wesley has been so far. He actually seems like a (relatively) normal teenager rather thant he Mozart of Space. The stuff with Remmick questioning the crew is all well acted and has good character moments like I said, but I do wonder what the point is. It becomes about Picard being offered a position he's obviously going to turn down, but there is a vague mention of a "threat" to the Federation. You could say it's foreshdawoing the upcoming episode 'Conspiracy', the first time Star Trek's ever foreshadowed an upcoming episode, but really the "threat" mention is far too vague for that to work. And how would having Picard at Starfleet Academy be any better than having him command the Federation's flagship? But this is a watchable reasonably fun episode and TNG season one sure needs more of those.
SCORE: 7.510
Heart of Glory - The Enteprise enters the Neutral Zone to help a damaged ship (the Romulans get name dropped again.) Geordi wears a transmitter on his VISOR when he beams over to the ship so that Picard can see what he's seeing on the viewscreen. We get to see things in Geordi Vision of the first time and Picard says "now I'm beginning to understand him!" Data has an "aura" around him! Geordi can see metal fatigue! None of this is really relevant but it's nice enough stuff. It does take the away team quite a while to find the survivors. They're Klingons! They have to run away from engineering as the ship's about to explode and Tasha beams them back just in time. There's three Klingons but one of them is dying. They claim they were attacked by Ferengi. Picard just lets the Klingons walk around the ship with Worf instead of having a security team follow them. They mock Worf for being in Starfleet. The third Klingon dies and his friends and Worf scream over his body. It's pretty cool! We then finally get Worf's backstory as he explains that a human Starfleet officer adopted him after his family were killed by Romulans. This is the first time we've heard any of this and I'm pretty sure it was invented for this episode (Worf didn't know where Rome was before.) The Klingons admit that they're fugitives who hate peace with the Federation and they destroyed another Klingon ship. Worf still agrees to take them on a tour of the Enterprise after this, which seems pretty dumb!
More Klingons show up just as Worf's about to show the bad guys the Battle Bridge. Picard suggsts they can't trust Worf (kind of racist) and sends Yar and a team to arrest them. Worf keeps looking between Yar and the Klingons to show how conflicted he is. The Klingons have a chance to take a little girl hostage but don't do it. Honour! Worf talks to the Captain of the Klingon ship and pleads for the lives of the other two. Michael Dorn does some pretty good acting. The Klingons break out and kill security officers. I like the Klingony music that plays. One of the Klingons are killed but the other goes to Engineering and threatens to shoot the Warp Core. He keeps trying to get Worf to join him in being a warrior but Worf tells him the true test of the warrior is within. Worf has to phaser him and he falls through some glass. It's shot from underneath and looks cool but I'm sure they'd have shatterproof glass on the Enterprise. Worf does the death cry again. The Klingon Captain offers him a place on his ship and Worf says he would love it but then tells Picard he was just being polite!
This one is pretty good too. Other than Worf we haven't seen any Klingons in TNG so this is the introduction to the TNG version of them. They are quite different than in TOS, yes, but it's been a hundred years since then and societies can change! The two Klingon guest actors are good and it's definitely Michael Dorn and Worf's best episode yet. He was basically a minor character at the start but by this point he's clearly emerged as a superior actor and character to Denise Crosby and Tasha Yar. We get his backstory here and he makes some good speeches about what it means to be Klingon. The problem is the part where he decides to start showing the Klingons around the ship after they've admitted that they're rebels who want to be at war with the Federation. Why would he do that? He's clearly loyal to Starfleet, so the only reason is that the episode wants to trick you into thinking "MAYBE WORF'S A BAD GUY" but it makes no sense once we know that he's not. It's also a bit weird how it takes nearly fifteen minutes for the away team to find the Klingons at the start of the epiosde (though really I don't mind it since the away team stuff is pretty good.) So yeah this isn't a classic episode or anything but it's a good introduction to the Klingons for TNG.
SCORE: 7.5/10
A kid who didn't qualify for the Starfleet Academy entrance exam steals a shuttle. He can't even fly a shuttle successfully (Starfleet Academy made the right choice!) but Picard talks him through what to do and saves his life. Remmick is so impressed he does a fist pump! Wesley passes a test where he encounters an alien who dislikes courtesy. It means Wil Wheaton has to act tough which is pretty funny. Remmick questions, Data, Worf and Beverly and of course he asks Bev about Picard killing her husband (but doesn't ask if Bev wants to bang him.) Wesley does another test where he helps Mordock beat him. Remmick reports to Quinn that he can't find anything wrong onboard the Enterprise and actually the Enterprise is great. He even wants to serve on it! Quinn admits that he thinks some vague threat is coming and he wants to promote Picard to Admiral and have him take over the Academy. Picard doesn't answer right away which seems kind of pointless because there's no way the viewer's going to think Picard's leaving the Enterprise. Wesley's psych test is a fake crisis on the station where he has to leave a coward to die so he can save an old man. Riker congratulates Picard on his new position (or is Riker just excited because he thinks he gets to be Captain.) Mordock is the candidate who makes it to the Academy. The others have to wait a whole year to try again which is frankly absurd. Wesley thinks he's failed Picard but Picard tells him he hasn't failed if he did his best! Picard failed the first time too! And he turns down the Admiral position obviously.
This episode's actually pretty decent! It's a character episode and we good character stuff for Wesley (yes, Wesley), Picard, Riker, Worf, Beverly and Data, all to some extent. Yar isn't in it because she's not a character. I do think the Starfleet Academy entrance policy is ridiculous. If all four are good enough for the Academy, then let them in! Even if the idea is that all four are from the same area of space and they can only have one candidate from that area, that still doesn't work since Wesley's from Earth and there's a Vulcan girl there too and I'm sure the Academy allows me than one human to join and more than one Vulcan to join each year! It's really hard to make sesne of it so let's just ignore it The exam stuff is pretty good and probably the best Wesley has been so far. He actually seems like a (relatively) normal teenager rather thant he Mozart of Space. The stuff with Remmick questioning the crew is all well acted and has good character moments like I said, but I do wonder what the point is. It becomes about Picard being offered a position he's obviously going to turn down, but there is a vague mention of a "threat" to the Federation. You could say it's foreshdawoing the upcoming episode 'Conspiracy', the first time Star Trek's ever foreshadowed an upcoming episode, but really the "threat" mention is far too vague for that to work. And how would having Picard at Starfleet Academy be any better than having him command the Federation's flagship? But this is a watchable reasonably fun episode and TNG season one sure needs more of those.
SCORE: 7.510
Heart of Glory - The Enteprise enters the Neutral Zone to help a damaged ship (the Romulans get name dropped again.) Geordi wears a transmitter on his VISOR when he beams over to the ship so that Picard can see what he's seeing on the viewscreen. We get to see things in Geordi Vision of the first time and Picard says "now I'm beginning to understand him!" Data has an "aura" around him! Geordi can see metal fatigue! None of this is really relevant but it's nice enough stuff. It does take the away team quite a while to find the survivors. They're Klingons! They have to run away from engineering as the ship's about to explode and Tasha beams them back just in time. There's three Klingons but one of them is dying. They claim they were attacked by Ferengi. Picard just lets the Klingons walk around the ship with Worf instead of having a security team follow them. They mock Worf for being in Starfleet. The third Klingon dies and his friends and Worf scream over his body. It's pretty cool! We then finally get Worf's backstory as he explains that a human Starfleet officer adopted him after his family were killed by Romulans. This is the first time we've heard any of this and I'm pretty sure it was invented for this episode (Worf didn't know where Rome was before.) The Klingons admit that they're fugitives who hate peace with the Federation and they destroyed another Klingon ship. Worf still agrees to take them on a tour of the Enterprise after this, which seems pretty dumb!
More Klingons show up just as Worf's about to show the bad guys the Battle Bridge. Picard suggsts they can't trust Worf (kind of racist) and sends Yar and a team to arrest them. Worf keeps looking between Yar and the Klingons to show how conflicted he is. The Klingons have a chance to take a little girl hostage but don't do it. Honour! Worf talks to the Captain of the Klingon ship and pleads for the lives of the other two. Michael Dorn does some pretty good acting. The Klingons break out and kill security officers. I like the Klingony music that plays. One of the Klingons are killed but the other goes to Engineering and threatens to shoot the Warp Core. He keeps trying to get Worf to join him in being a warrior but Worf tells him the true test of the warrior is within. Worf has to phaser him and he falls through some glass. It's shot from underneath and looks cool but I'm sure they'd have shatterproof glass on the Enterprise. Worf does the death cry again. The Klingon Captain offers him a place on his ship and Worf says he would love it but then tells Picard he was just being polite!
This one is pretty good too. Other than Worf we haven't seen any Klingons in TNG so this is the introduction to the TNG version of them. They are quite different than in TOS, yes, but it's been a hundred years since then and societies can change! The two Klingon guest actors are good and it's definitely Michael Dorn and Worf's best episode yet. He was basically a minor character at the start but by this point he's clearly emerged as a superior actor and character to Denise Crosby and Tasha Yar. We get his backstory here and he makes some good speeches about what it means to be Klingon. The problem is the part where he decides to start showing the Klingons around the ship after they've admitted that they're rebels who want to be at war with the Federation. Why would he do that? He's clearly loyal to Starfleet, so the only reason is that the episode wants to trick you into thinking "MAYBE WORF'S A BAD GUY" but it makes no sense once we know that he's not. It's also a bit weird how it takes nearly fifteen minutes for the away team to find the Klingons at the start of the epiosde (though really I don't mind it since the away team stuff is pretty good.) So yeah this isn't a classic episode or anything but it's a good introduction to the Klingons for TNG.
SCORE: 7.5/10
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
The Arsenal of Freedom - The Enterprise is at a famous arms merchant planet looking for a missing ship (as usual.) The Captain is an old friend of Riker's. In fact the missing ship is the ship Riker was offered the Captaincy of. They find no life on the planet but receive a message from a sleazey arms dealer who promises "peace through superior fire power." Which is a good line! Riker, Data and Yar beam down and the planet looks really really fake. But that's TNG season one for you. Riker finds his old friend Captain Rice in the jungle and is happy to see him, but Rice is acting weird. He asks probing questions and Riker, not wanting to give anything away, says he's serving on the U.S.S. Lollipop ("a good ship.") Riker rules! He really works best when he's getting angry and trying to confuse fakes (see 'Future Imperfect'.) The actor playing Rice does a very nice job too as a creepy hologram thing so this is a good scene. Riker is trapped in a forcefield so Picard (with Crusher) beams down, leaving Geordi in command. They're attacked by flying weapons and Picard and Crusher fall down a hole. So we get three stories here: Data, Riker (when they rescue him), and Yar dealing with increasingly intelligent weapons, Geordi commanding the Enterprise trying to find a way to rescue everyone, and Picard down a hole having to looking after an injured Beverly. It's good for pacing reasons as just focusing on one of these stories would have gotten old fast, but switching between all three keeps the episode interesting. Geordi has to deal with asshole Chief Engineer Logan (yes, another one) who comes to the Bridge to tell him to give up command. Geordi stands his ground and I'm proud of him!
Beverly instructs Picard on how to treat her wound with roots. It's good seeing them have a scene together that isn't about her dead husband or lust for Picard. The Enterprise is damaged and Geordi calls Logan to the Bridge and orders the Enterprise to leave the planet. Geordi tells Logan he's going to take command and Logan looks all smug...then Geordi adds "of the saucer section." That's right! The Enterprise can seperate! Troi helpfully goes and tells him that she senses he's nervous, but she's actually got good advice or him for once rather than being useless like usual! The saucer seperates and it's obviously re-used animation from 'Farpoint' but it lokos good (I never understood why they gave up doing saucer seperations because it cost too much. Couldn't they just use the same animation every time?) Picard finds a buried computer and the hologram of the salesman appears to him. He realises the inhabitants of the planet were wiped out by their own weapons (that was pretty obvious, really) and this is all supposed to be a weapons demonstration but it's turned DEADLY. Data jumps down the hole. Crusher suggests just turning the weapons off. Picard places an order for weapons so the demonstration ends. It's a clever way out of it, better than having Picard arguing a computer to death like Kirk. Geordi manages to defeat the final weapon by flying into the planet's atmosphere and saves the away team. Picard says he wants the ship returned to him in one piece!
I like this episode! It doesn't have any kind of deep message beyond "creating increasingly powerful weapons will one day kill us all" but I'm fine with that because it's so much fun. The stuff with Riker and Yar running around the jungle does look pretty dated, but it doesn't get boring thanks to the structure with three storylines going on at once. Geordi's part is the most entertaining and Levar Burton is just so damn likable that you're really happy for him when he makes a good Captain. The character stuff is all good in general: there's none of the snobbish remarks on inferior cultures or sexism or cringeworthiness (besides Deinis Crosby's acting...and that's not going to be a problem for much longer) of earlier episodes. You can really see that the writers are finally finding what works for this cast. One of the best episodes of the season, even though it's nothing really revolutionary and just a solid action adventure.
SCORE: 8/10
Beverly instructs Picard on how to treat her wound with roots. It's good seeing them have a scene together that isn't about her dead husband or lust for Picard. The Enterprise is damaged and Geordi calls Logan to the Bridge and orders the Enterprise to leave the planet. Geordi tells Logan he's going to take command and Logan looks all smug...then Geordi adds "of the saucer section." That's right! The Enterprise can seperate! Troi helpfully goes and tells him that she senses he's nervous, but she's actually got good advice or him for once rather than being useless like usual! The saucer seperates and it's obviously re-used animation from 'Farpoint' but it lokos good (I never understood why they gave up doing saucer seperations because it cost too much. Couldn't they just use the same animation every time?) Picard finds a buried computer and the hologram of the salesman appears to him. He realises the inhabitants of the planet were wiped out by their own weapons (that was pretty obvious, really) and this is all supposed to be a weapons demonstration but it's turned DEADLY. Data jumps down the hole. Crusher suggests just turning the weapons off. Picard places an order for weapons so the demonstration ends. It's a clever way out of it, better than having Picard arguing a computer to death like Kirk. Geordi manages to defeat the final weapon by flying into the planet's atmosphere and saves the away team. Picard says he wants the ship returned to him in one piece!
I like this episode! It doesn't have any kind of deep message beyond "creating increasingly powerful weapons will one day kill us all" but I'm fine with that because it's so much fun. The stuff with Riker and Yar running around the jungle does look pretty dated, but it doesn't get boring thanks to the structure with three storylines going on at once. Geordi's part is the most entertaining and Levar Burton is just so damn likable that you're really happy for him when he makes a good Captain. The character stuff is all good in general: there's none of the snobbish remarks on inferior cultures or sexism or cringeworthiness (besides Deinis Crosby's acting...and that's not going to be a problem for much longer) of earlier episodes. You can really see that the writers are finally finding what works for this cast. One of the best episodes of the season, even though it's nothing really revolutionary and just a solid action adventure.
SCORE: 8/10
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
OMFG SPOILER ALERT!!!1111
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Symbiosis - The Enterprise rescues some of the crew of a ship that's about to fall into a sun, but the ship's Captain (who is really bad at flying his ship) transporters over a barrel of cargo first. The whole rescue sequence is annoyingly slow because the aliens know nothing about spaceships despite having spaceships. There's representatives of two alien races saved: the scruffy Ornarans and the well dressed Brekkans. One of the Ornarans is played by Merrit Butrick (David from TWOK) and one of the Brekkans is played by Judson Scott (Joachim from TWOK.) The precious barrel is a barrel of medicine produced by the Brekkans which the Ornarans need. The Brekkans say the Ornarans haven't paid for it because their ship with the fee on it was destroyed before they could pay. They have a cheap looking fight using cheap looking force lightning. The Ornarans say they have a plague and need the medicine badly but the Breekans are firm that they ain't getting shit. Both sides want PIcard to favour them. He manages to get the Brekkans to give two doses to the two Ornarans on board. Crusher watches them take it and is suspicous. The Brekkans explain that their ENTIRE SOCIETY is based around constructing this drug and they completely rely on the Ornarans for everything.
Crusher tells Picard that the Ornarans are all drug addicts and there is no plague. Data gives the history of the two planets, there really was a plague which could only be cured by a drug found on the Brekkan planet. The Brekkans kept selling them the drug and the two species had a symbiotic relationship. Crusher wants Picard to do something but of course he can't interfere because of the Prime Directive. And here comes the famous scene where Wesley asks Data how anyone could WANT to become addicted to drugs. Okay, first of all the Ornarans didn't WANT to become addicted to the drug, they think they've got a plague. So I'm not sure why Wesley is asking that question. Well, actually, I do know, it's so Tasha can go into a poorly acted after school special speech about how drugs make you feel good but you shouldn't take them. Sure, it's the right message to be telling the kids watching, but it's so badly done that it makes me want to start taking drugs just to spite Tasha and Wesley. David Marcus threatens to kill Riker with his force lightning but Picard's just like "lol no you won't." Picard realises that the Brekkans knew all along that the Ornarans didn't need the drug and confronts them. The Brekkans smile evily since he can't do anything. Crusher overacts. Picard gives the drug to the Ornarans as the Brekkans have decided it's worth it just to keep them hooked. But he also refuses to give them the parts needed to fix their spaceships, so the trade agreement can't continue. He used the Prime Directive against them! The Ornarans will eventually realise they don't need the drug (when they don't die) and get over it so Picard has saved them in the long run.
What makes this episode a bit better than other Prime Directive episodes this seaspn like 'Angel One' and 'Justice' is that the Prime Directive stuff here actually makes sense and has a fairly satisfying solution. Picard and Crusher both have good points when they clash and, while it's far from one of the great Trek debate scenes, it's a step up from those other episodes. That doesn't mean it's actually a good episode! The premise isn't bad: one alien species getting another hooked on drugs could be a good way to explore addiction and exploitation. But it's badly executed. The details really make no sense. The Brekkans have NO other industry on their planet but producing this drug? But they don't keep the Ornarans as slaves. They live on different planets. So how are the Brekkans feeding themselves and how do they have electricity and roads and tv or anything...it dosn't make sense. Why haven't they learned how to make their own spaceships instead of relying on the old broken down ships that the Ornarans can barely maintain? Joachim does a decent job as the guest star, but it's really sad watching Merrit Butrcik knowing that he dies of AIDS just a year after this episode. He was so young and promising in TWOK not too long before this. Plus there's the terrible Yar/Wesley scene and the frustraingly drawn out opening rescue scene. So yeah, this isn't the worst of season one but it's not on the good side either.
SCORE: 4.5/10
Crusher tells Picard that the Ornarans are all drug addicts and there is no plague. Data gives the history of the two planets, there really was a plague which could only be cured by a drug found on the Brekkan planet. The Brekkans kept selling them the drug and the two species had a symbiotic relationship. Crusher wants Picard to do something but of course he can't interfere because of the Prime Directive. And here comes the famous scene where Wesley asks Data how anyone could WANT to become addicted to drugs. Okay, first of all the Ornarans didn't WANT to become addicted to the drug, they think they've got a plague. So I'm not sure why Wesley is asking that question. Well, actually, I do know, it's so Tasha can go into a poorly acted after school special speech about how drugs make you feel good but you shouldn't take them. Sure, it's the right message to be telling the kids watching, but it's so badly done that it makes me want to start taking drugs just to spite Tasha and Wesley. David Marcus threatens to kill Riker with his force lightning but Picard's just like "lol no you won't." Picard realises that the Brekkans knew all along that the Ornarans didn't need the drug and confronts them. The Brekkans smile evily since he can't do anything. Crusher overacts. Picard gives the drug to the Ornarans as the Brekkans have decided it's worth it just to keep them hooked. But he also refuses to give them the parts needed to fix their spaceships, so the trade agreement can't continue. He used the Prime Directive against them! The Ornarans will eventually realise they don't need the drug (when they don't die) and get over it so Picard has saved them in the long run.
What makes this episode a bit better than other Prime Directive episodes this seaspn like 'Angel One' and 'Justice' is that the Prime Directive stuff here actually makes sense and has a fairly satisfying solution. Picard and Crusher both have good points when they clash and, while it's far from one of the great Trek debate scenes, it's a step up from those other episodes. That doesn't mean it's actually a good episode! The premise isn't bad: one alien species getting another hooked on drugs could be a good way to explore addiction and exploitation. But it's badly executed. The details really make no sense. The Brekkans have NO other industry on their planet but producing this drug? But they don't keep the Ornarans as slaves. They live on different planets. So how are the Brekkans feeding themselves and how do they have electricity and roads and tv or anything...it dosn't make sense. Why haven't they learned how to make their own spaceships instead of relying on the old broken down ships that the Ornarans can barely maintain? Joachim does a decent job as the guest star, but it's really sad watching Merrit Butrcik knowing that he dies of AIDS just a year after this episode. He was so young and promising in TWOK not too long before this. Plus there's the terrible Yar/Wesley scene and the frustraingly drawn out opening rescue scene. So yeah, this isn't the worst of season one but it's not on the good side either.
SCORE: 4.5/10
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Skin of Evil - Worf has bet on Yar to win a martial arts contest and Yar is happy. Troi and a shuttle pilot named Ben crash on a planet and need rescuing. There's a whole thing where the Enterprise can't go to Warp for some reason and the new Chief Engineer Lynch has to fix it. I guess it's just to give Troi and Ben some time alone on the planet before Riker, Data, Crusher and Yar (uh oh!) bem down to rescue them on the TOS looking planet. A strange oil slick keeps moving in front of them and turns into an...oil man. It looks bad. Its name is Armus. Yar tries to go to the crashed shuttle...and Armus just straight up murders her! She has a really fake looking blood splotch on her cheek. Crusher tries to revive her in Sickbay and it turns into the worst episode of ER ever. Yar dies and Data looks sad (NO EMOTIONS, EH?) Troi finally wakes up in the shuttle and Armus talks about how Yar's death was pointless but he did it for fun. Armus plans to torture Troi (and Ben...I guess) for fun just to hurt the crew. Troi keeps trying to get in Armus' head but her acting is bad and he has a stupid voice so it's just tedious. Crusher gets to talk to Troi and doesn't even ask if Ben's alive. Armus takes Geordi's VISOR off and he has to grope around blindly for it like Velma in Scooby Doo. Armus is such a dick!
Armus sucks Riker down into its oil slick (lol) in an attempt to feel amusement. We get to see SkinOfEvil's old avatar! Worf and Wesley do some scans on the energy field. Troi says "imzadi!" again. Picard beams down to talk to Armus, so at least the quality of the acting of the person having to talk to an unconvincing oil man improves. Armus tries to get someone to beg for their life but nobody will. Data says he thinks Armus should be destroyed. Picard is bored by all this and is like "kill Troi and Riker if you want, who cares anymore." He gives Oily Riker back. Picard finally gets to visit the shuttle and just walks right by unconscious Ben to check Troi (but Ben's alive, at least!) Why do they keep calling him "Ben" and not "Ensign Blackguy" or whatever his name is? Armus talks about being a "skin of evil" left by a race of titans who believed that they would be Gods without him or something. Worf and Wesley manage to beam Picard, Troi and BEN up as Armus screams evily. And now we get Yar's funeral in the shittest looking holodeck scenario ever. Apparently her only friends were the senior officers and Wesley. A Yar hologram talks to them all (it knows where they're all standing and luckily no one's left the ship since she recorded it) and this is a scene where people say "DENISE CROSBY DID HER BEST ACTING IN HER LAST EPISODE." Maybe that's actually true but it's not still not very good acting. It's a horribly cheesey and bad scene. There's a bit at the end with Data and Picard which is quite good (since Spiner and Stewart) but the over the top sad piano music hurts even that.
Yar was a bad character and Denise Crosby was bad at playing her (sorry, but she was.) So if they wanted to kill someone off for the shock value she was the best choice (I wonder if they considered killing Troi instead?) Her death being pointless and random actually works quite well. Redshirts die that way all the time, so why not main characters? But the scene of Crusher trying to save her life after is awful and pretty much ruins the initial shock of her sudden death. Most of the rest of the episode is just Troi trying to talk to Armus and this isn't good at all because Marina Sirtis is nearly as bad as Crosby at this point and Armus is a terrible character. He looks like shit, he has a stupid voice and he makes silly gurgling noises. The idea of an enemy who is pure concentrated evil is a good one but it doesn't work because Armus is so awful. The funeral probably made people cry at the time but I felt NOTHING watching it now. Okay, maybe the very end with Data was sad but otherwise it wall all too cringeowrthy. Not a good episode.
SCORE: 3.5/10
Armus sucks Riker down into its oil slick (lol) in an attempt to feel amusement. We get to see SkinOfEvil's old avatar! Worf and Wesley do some scans on the energy field. Troi says "imzadi!" again. Picard beams down to talk to Armus, so at least the quality of the acting of the person having to talk to an unconvincing oil man improves. Armus tries to get someone to beg for their life but nobody will. Data says he thinks Armus should be destroyed. Picard is bored by all this and is like "kill Troi and Riker if you want, who cares anymore." He gives Oily Riker back. Picard finally gets to visit the shuttle and just walks right by unconscious Ben to check Troi (but Ben's alive, at least!) Why do they keep calling him "Ben" and not "Ensign Blackguy" or whatever his name is? Armus talks about being a "skin of evil" left by a race of titans who believed that they would be Gods without him or something. Worf and Wesley manage to beam Picard, Troi and BEN up as Armus screams evily. And now we get Yar's funeral in the shittest looking holodeck scenario ever. Apparently her only friends were the senior officers and Wesley. A Yar hologram talks to them all (it knows where they're all standing and luckily no one's left the ship since she recorded it) and this is a scene where people say "DENISE CROSBY DID HER BEST ACTING IN HER LAST EPISODE." Maybe that's actually true but it's not still not very good acting. It's a horribly cheesey and bad scene. There's a bit at the end with Data and Picard which is quite good (since Spiner and Stewart) but the over the top sad piano music hurts even that.
Yar was a bad character and Denise Crosby was bad at playing her (sorry, but she was.) So if they wanted to kill someone off for the shock value she was the best choice (I wonder if they considered killing Troi instead?) Her death being pointless and random actually works quite well. Redshirts die that way all the time, so why not main characters? But the scene of Crusher trying to save her life after is awful and pretty much ruins the initial shock of her sudden death. Most of the rest of the episode is just Troi trying to talk to Armus and this isn't good at all because Marina Sirtis is nearly as bad as Crosby at this point and Armus is a terrible character. He looks like shit, he has a stupid voice and he makes silly gurgling noises. The idea of an enemy who is pure concentrated evil is a good one but it doesn't work because Armus is so awful. The funeral probably made people cry at the time but I felt NOTHING watching it now. Okay, maybe the very end with Data was sad but otherwise it wall all too cringeowrthy. Not a good episode.
SCORE: 3.5/10
whisky
Boobie inspector
Do you think the fact that both actresses were bad in their roles has anything to do with the fact that they signed up for each others, and were swapped at the last moment?
They wanted Sirtis to play the security role because they wanted their own version of Vasquez from aliens.
Speaking of her, never realises this was also her.
They wanted Sirtis to play the security role because they wanted their own version of Vasquez from aliens.
Speaking of her, never realises this was also her.
whisky
Boobie inspector
A few of her films we've probably all seen. And she was in titanic, which I haven't.
Star Trek: Generations
Science Officer
1991Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Janelle Voight
1989Lethal Weapon 2
Meagan Shapiro
1987Max Headroom (TV Series)
Bella
- 1986Aliens
Private Vasquez
Star Trek: Generations
Science Officer
1991Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Janelle Voight
1989Lethal Weapon 2
Meagan Shapiro
1987Max Headroom (TV Series)
Bella
- 1986Aliens
Private Vasquez
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
Crosby did much better acting with Romulan ears on.