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Wacky Reviews: Star Trek
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Surely at least one person would have imagined the ship exploding and everyone dying. I would have.
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Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
(Mott the Barber runs after the Captain with his pants around his ankles)
"PLEASE CAPTAIN! FEAST ON MY BLUE KNOB WHILE I MASSAGE YOUR SCALP!"
"PLEASE CAPTAIN! FEAST ON MY BLUE KNOB WHILE I MASSAGE YOUR SCALP!"
Colonel Kira's Left Tit
Bearded Belly of Bajor
I always wondered if Mott the Barber was related to Mott the Hoople.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Lonely Among Us - Two alien races (a snake race and a dog race) who hate each other come onboard because they both want to join the Federation. It seems like very poor planning. Riker doesn't understand the concept of hostility at all. Picard sneers at them warring over "economic systems." This is one annoying side of Gene's Vision in the TNG years where he decided that humans are literally perfect and would never go to war or even feel hate and they have to look down on all the primitive alien races. It makes Picard and Riker look like assholes. Worf gets electrocuted and acts a bit weird. The dog aliens are sickened by the Federation not eating real meat and Riker and Yar make disgusted faces at them. Crusher starts acting weird next. She does something on the Bridge and then the alien leaves her (it's an alien possessing crewmembers, that's what's going on.) The ship starts malfunctioning. There's an Indian guy as the engineer of the week this time, but they do mention Argylle again. The aliens keep fucking with each other and Riker and Yar keep making faces. It's not really worth mentioning.
The episode drags on as they try to solve the mystery of the systems failures. Picard and Riker make the mistake of mentioning Sherlock Holmes in front of Data. The Indian guy is killed. Data starts smoking a pipe and acting like Sherlock Holmes. Right, Spiner is great as always in these scenes, but why the fuck would Data think he'd have to literally start smoking a pipe to think like Holmes? It's dumb. Also the mystery he's trying to solve involves the two stupid alien races so who cares about that. Troi hypnotises Crusher and Worf to find out what happened when they lost their memories. Nothing happens for a while then Picard gets possessed. Geordi sees it happening but doesn't tell anyone. Picard orders the Enterprise back to the energy cloud and starts talking in a weird voice, making it really obvious he's possessed. O'BRIEN RETURNS(!) trying to stop two aliens from fighting. Riker and Crusher try to prove something is wrong with Picard and even this is boring.
The two alien races are just openly hunting each other on the ship now and I guess it's meant to be funny. Picard admits to Crusher that he's an alien now and the return to the cloud. He explains what's been going on: the alien get stuck on the Enterprise, didn't mean to kill the Indian, now it and Picard want to be together and explore the galaxy. Picard shoots everyone with force lightning and beams into the cloud as "pure energy" (I don't know, it's dumb.) An hour later Picard calls out to Troi on his own and wants rescuing. Energy Picard flies into the ship's circuitry(!?) and Data rebuilds his body using the magical transporter. Picard has amnesia and is grumpy. So was it all a lie when the Picard/alien hybrid said he wanted to explore the universe together? Why would the alien make all that up? Yar runs in to say one of the delegates is dead and the other aliens have ate him, but Picard doesn't give a fuck and decides to go to bed so Riker can take care of this comedy murder. THE FUCKING END.
After two pretty decent episodes we're back to crap here. It's horribly boring for a start. It's a story about an alien possessing various crewmembers, but it's only in like the last ten minutes when this becomes important and Picard decides he wants to leave the ship to become an energy being. But he comes back with amnesia so we don't have to deal with this at all. The other plot involves two idiot alien races who want to kill each other. I do like that they actually look like proper aliens instead of just humans with funny foreheads. But it's a stupid story which ends with one of the aliens murdered and it being played like a joke. Why would the Federation want either of these species? There's also the Sherlock Holmes stuff which is silly but at least Spiner is funny. So yeah. This episode is bad! It's not quite the worst ever but there's no reason to ever want to watch it.
SCORE: 2.5/10
The episode drags on as they try to solve the mystery of the systems failures. Picard and Riker make the mistake of mentioning Sherlock Holmes in front of Data. The Indian guy is killed. Data starts smoking a pipe and acting like Sherlock Holmes. Right, Spiner is great as always in these scenes, but why the fuck would Data think he'd have to literally start smoking a pipe to think like Holmes? It's dumb. Also the mystery he's trying to solve involves the two stupid alien races so who cares about that. Troi hypnotises Crusher and Worf to find out what happened when they lost their memories. Nothing happens for a while then Picard gets possessed. Geordi sees it happening but doesn't tell anyone. Picard orders the Enterprise back to the energy cloud and starts talking in a weird voice, making it really obvious he's possessed. O'BRIEN RETURNS(!) trying to stop two aliens from fighting. Riker and Crusher try to prove something is wrong with Picard and even this is boring.
The two alien races are just openly hunting each other on the ship now and I guess it's meant to be funny. Picard admits to Crusher that he's an alien now and the return to the cloud. He explains what's been going on: the alien get stuck on the Enterprise, didn't mean to kill the Indian, now it and Picard want to be together and explore the galaxy. Picard shoots everyone with force lightning and beams into the cloud as "pure energy" (I don't know, it's dumb.) An hour later Picard calls out to Troi on his own and wants rescuing. Energy Picard flies into the ship's circuitry(!?) and Data rebuilds his body using the magical transporter. Picard has amnesia and is grumpy. So was it all a lie when the Picard/alien hybrid said he wanted to explore the universe together? Why would the alien make all that up? Yar runs in to say one of the delegates is dead and the other aliens have ate him, but Picard doesn't give a fuck and decides to go to bed so Riker can take care of this comedy murder. THE FUCKING END.
After two pretty decent episodes we're back to crap here. It's horribly boring for a start. It's a story about an alien possessing various crewmembers, but it's only in like the last ten minutes when this becomes important and Picard decides he wants to leave the ship to become an energy being. But he comes back with amnesia so we don't have to deal with this at all. The other plot involves two idiot alien races who want to kill each other. I do like that they actually look like proper aliens instead of just humans with funny foreheads. But it's a stupid story which ends with one of the aliens murdered and it being played like a joke. Why would the Federation want either of these species? There's also the Sherlock Holmes stuff which is silly but at least Spiner is funny. So yeah. This episode is bad! It's not quite the worst ever but there's no reason to ever want to watch it.
SCORE: 2.5/10
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Justice - The Enterprsie randomly visits an "unusually lovely" planet of white blonde people (The Edo) who run around parks all day in their pants. Crusher convinces Picard to let the children go for shore leave on this planet where they make love at the drop of a hat (ANY hat.) Tasha Yar does a full investigation into the planet's laws and customs. KEEP THAT IN MIND. Wesley is included in the away team to see if it's a suitable planet for children. One of the Edo hugs Worf and he says "nice planet" and it'sa bit creepy. They all run because tha'ts the custome and poor Marina Sirtis running in that costume. Also Worf doesn't know where Rome is. Meanwhile on the ship they encounter some weird vessel that's half in and half out our universe. It sends a probe thing onto the Enterprise that makes everything shake because it's so loud. Picard does a pretty poor job talking to it. At least he hasn't surrendered yet!
Wesley thinks a cute girl wants to mess around with him but tells her he's not allowed because he's a fucking geek. Worf talks about how his huge Klingon cock would destroy a fragile Earth woman. This is all getting very uncomfortable. Yar finds out that the planet uses "punishment zones" where if you break the law you're executed. Wait, didn't she already do a full investigation into the lawas and customs of the planet? Surely she should have known about this? IT JUST SO HAPPENS that Wesley and friends are playing in today's punishment zone (that's pretty stupid of them) and Wesley falls in some forbidden plants. HE MUST DIE NOW. Wesley delivers the immortal line "I'm with Starfleet, we don't lie" and sorry Wil Wheaton but you were terrible in this episode. The Edo try to execute him on the spot but Riker, Yar and Worf save him. The cops are sad that they didn't get to kill a child. Meanwhile the alien probe thing has merged with Data and it's stuck to his face as he lies on the floor. So there's that.
Picard goes down to the planet to sort out the Wesley situation. He doesn't really get anywhere and they tell him the alien ship thing is their God. He beams one of the Edo girls up the Enterprise to meet God. Hang on, isn't this a pretty huge Prime Directive violation? They don't seem to be warp capable. God gets angry at them taking the girl off the planet (really, what was Picard thinking with that?) and scares them into beaming her down. Data finally wakes up and calls the vessel "a God Thing" in a possible reference to the unfilmed Gene Rodennberry script. This scene is terrible as they do the "Data talks too much" thing again. Seriously it's fucking annoying. When Crusher is upset that Wesley's going to be executed Data starts talking about her mothership emotions and she tells him to shut up. It's reasonable!
Picard talks to Data about the Prime Directive (which I guess in TNG means "we have to obey stupid alien laws" and doesn't have anything to do with interfering with pre-warp species?) It's a scene that could be good but it's written and shot in the most boring way possible. Picard and Crusher beam down and the Edo girl now thinks he's a God because he shares the sky with God. Great job obeying the Prime Directive, Jean-Luc! Next Picard says that they have sworn not to interfere with other planets and saving Wesley would be doing so. But umm surely beaming down to the pre warp planet and having Wesley running around without knowing the law was already intefering. They go back and forth and don't really come up with any satisfying conclusion at all. Picard says to God that there can be no justice as long as laws are absolute. God is somehow won over by this (he never considered it before?) and lets them beam up with Wesley. I guess that'st he moral of the story? Maybe? THE END.
This episode is terrible. Obviously the Edo are cheesey as fuck (and it's pretty bad that on this utopian sex planet everyone is blonde and white but the planet of black people was violent and barbaric) but I could excuse that if the story was any good. But it's not! The script does a terrible job of actually being about anything. It's kind of an episode about the Prime Directive, but they don't really explain properly what the Prime Directive is. Picard just breaks it in the end after loads of talking. He could have just broken it right away and saved some time. Wil Wheaton gives a bad performance and I know he's young and the script was bad but it's still true. The idea of a planet that has a death planet for any crime could make for a good episode, but the crime is so ridiculous (he fell in some flowers!) that it doesn't work at all. We know there just going to fly away with Wesley no matter what. The Edo "God" is really poorly developed and we don't get any sense of what it actually is. The whole thing just ends with a shrug and no lessons learned and no point to any of it. I'd even say it was worse than 'Code Of Honor' because at least that had a fun guest actor whereas this is just boring a fuck.
SCORE: 1/10
Wesley thinks a cute girl wants to mess around with him but tells her he's not allowed because he's a fucking geek. Worf talks about how his huge Klingon cock would destroy a fragile Earth woman. This is all getting very uncomfortable. Yar finds out that the planet uses "punishment zones" where if you break the law you're executed. Wait, didn't she already do a full investigation into the lawas and customs of the planet? Surely she should have known about this? IT JUST SO HAPPENS that Wesley and friends are playing in today's punishment zone (that's pretty stupid of them) and Wesley falls in some forbidden plants. HE MUST DIE NOW. Wesley delivers the immortal line "I'm with Starfleet, we don't lie" and sorry Wil Wheaton but you were terrible in this episode. The Edo try to execute him on the spot but Riker, Yar and Worf save him. The cops are sad that they didn't get to kill a child. Meanwhile the alien probe thing has merged with Data and it's stuck to his face as he lies on the floor. So there's that.
Picard goes down to the planet to sort out the Wesley situation. He doesn't really get anywhere and they tell him the alien ship thing is their God. He beams one of the Edo girls up the Enterprise to meet God. Hang on, isn't this a pretty huge Prime Directive violation? They don't seem to be warp capable. God gets angry at them taking the girl off the planet (really, what was Picard thinking with that?) and scares them into beaming her down. Data finally wakes up and calls the vessel "a God Thing" in a possible reference to the unfilmed Gene Rodennberry script. This scene is terrible as they do the "Data talks too much" thing again. Seriously it's fucking annoying. When Crusher is upset that Wesley's going to be executed Data starts talking about her mothership emotions and she tells him to shut up. It's reasonable!
Picard talks to Data about the Prime Directive (which I guess in TNG means "we have to obey stupid alien laws" and doesn't have anything to do with interfering with pre-warp species?) It's a scene that could be good but it's written and shot in the most boring way possible. Picard and Crusher beam down and the Edo girl now thinks he's a God because he shares the sky with God. Great job obeying the Prime Directive, Jean-Luc! Next Picard says that they have sworn not to interfere with other planets and saving Wesley would be doing so. But umm surely beaming down to the pre warp planet and having Wesley running around without knowing the law was already intefering. They go back and forth and don't really come up with any satisfying conclusion at all. Picard says to God that there can be no justice as long as laws are absolute. God is somehow won over by this (he never considered it before?) and lets them beam up with Wesley. I guess that'st he moral of the story? Maybe? THE END.
This episode is terrible. Obviously the Edo are cheesey as fuck (and it's pretty bad that on this utopian sex planet everyone is blonde and white but the planet of black people was violent and barbaric) but I could excuse that if the story was any good. But it's not! The script does a terrible job of actually being about anything. It's kind of an episode about the Prime Directive, but they don't really explain properly what the Prime Directive is. Picard just breaks it in the end after loads of talking. He could have just broken it right away and saved some time. Wil Wheaton gives a bad performance and I know he's young and the script was bad but it's still true. The idea of a planet that has a death planet for any crime could make for a good episode, but the crime is so ridiculous (he fell in some flowers!) that it doesn't work at all. We know there just going to fly away with Wesley no matter what. The Edo "God" is really poorly developed and we don't get any sense of what it actually is. The whole thing just ends with a shrug and no lessons learned and no point to any of it. I'd even say it was worse than 'Code Of Honor' because at least that had a fun guest actor whereas this is just boring a fuck.
SCORE: 1/10
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
The Battle - The Enterprise is meeting with the Ferengi. Picard tells Crusher he has a headache and she's utterly stunned because headaches don't exist in the future, somehow. Seriously even if they came up with a cure for headaches surely people would still get them? Unless everyone takes a "no headache today" pill in the morning. Troi senses "considerable deception" from Daimon Bok as I guess they haven't decided she can't read Ferengi minds yet. Crusher still can't tell the source of Picard's headache. Could this be linked to the great deception!? A Constellation-class starship arrives which Wesley annoyingly knew before anyone else because he invented new super sensors or something. The Ferengi beam over and Bok explains that the old ship is a gift. It's the Stargazer, Picard's old starship. He keeps getting headaches while Bok keeps acting weird and mentioning a battle. Seriously it's not that hard to connect these two things.
Picard explains that an unknown starship attacked the Stargazer and he was forced to destroy it using "The Picard Maneuver." He beams over to the Stargazer and has a look around. We finally see that Bok is the one causing his headaches with an orb thing. Picard keeps having flashbacks of his old crew and stuff. Data finds from the Stargazer logs that the Ferengi ship the Stargazer destroyed was flying under a flag of peace and Picard wrongly killed them. Thankfull Riker doesn't believe this but still has to report it to Starfleet. Picard starts doubting his own sanity as Crusher tries to deal with his headaches. At no point does anyone wonder if maybe the Ferengi have something to do with them. Bok keeps laughing evily and twisting his orb. Data proves the log was faked but Picard's gone full nuts by now.
Fucking Wesley is the first one to detect transmissions from the Ferengi ship which are fucking up Picard's brain. But Picard's beamed over to the Stargazer where Bok is waiting with his orb of evil. Bok reveals that his son was comanding the Ferengi ship Picard destroyed. (I'm not really sure how Picard had the headaches before he took the second orb from the Stargazer into his quarters?) Picard on the Stargazer attacks the Enterprise. Bok's first officer locks him up because there's no profit in revenge (there's a bit of mutual respect between Riker and the first officer which is nice.) Dtaa comes up with a way to counter the Picard Maneuver and Riker gets through to Picard who destroys the evil orb.
So, this episode isn't bad. It has a solid story. Picard gets some backstory and Patrick Stewart does pretty good acting...though I can't help feeling that if it had been a couple of seasons later he'd have done even better acting as he still doesn't have his Picard quite down yet. Bok is a silly cackling villain but he's a lot more tolerable than the Ferengi from 'The Last Outpost'. There are the typical season problems, of course. Wesley saving the day is always annoying. It's really obvious that Bok is causing Picard's headaches but nobody even thinks of the possibility until Wesley. Gates McFadden is REALLY wooden here. Maybe she gets better later but at this point she's bad. On the whole though it's good for season one.
SCORE: 6.5/10
Picard explains that an unknown starship attacked the Stargazer and he was forced to destroy it using "The Picard Maneuver." He beams over to the Stargazer and has a look around. We finally see that Bok is the one causing his headaches with an orb thing. Picard keeps having flashbacks of his old crew and stuff. Data finds from the Stargazer logs that the Ferengi ship the Stargazer destroyed was flying under a flag of peace and Picard wrongly killed them. Thankfull Riker doesn't believe this but still has to report it to Starfleet. Picard starts doubting his own sanity as Crusher tries to deal with his headaches. At no point does anyone wonder if maybe the Ferengi have something to do with them. Bok keeps laughing evily and twisting his orb. Data proves the log was faked but Picard's gone full nuts by now.
Fucking Wesley is the first one to detect transmissions from the Ferengi ship which are fucking up Picard's brain. But Picard's beamed over to the Stargazer where Bok is waiting with his orb of evil. Bok reveals that his son was comanding the Ferengi ship Picard destroyed. (I'm not really sure how Picard had the headaches before he took the second orb from the Stargazer into his quarters?) Picard on the Stargazer attacks the Enterprise. Bok's first officer locks him up because there's no profit in revenge (there's a bit of mutual respect between Riker and the first officer which is nice.) Dtaa comes up with a way to counter the Picard Maneuver and Riker gets through to Picard who destroys the evil orb.
So, this episode isn't bad. It has a solid story. Picard gets some backstory and Patrick Stewart does pretty good acting...though I can't help feeling that if it had been a couple of seasons later he'd have done even better acting as he still doesn't have his Picard quite down yet. Bok is a silly cackling villain but he's a lot more tolerable than the Ferengi from 'The Last Outpost'. There are the typical season problems, of course. Wesley saving the day is always annoying. It's really obvious that Bok is causing Picard's headaches but nobody even thinks of the possibility until Wesley. Gates McFadden is REALLY wooden here. Maybe she gets better later but at this point she's bad. On the whole though it's good for season one.
SCORE: 6.5/10
SAUSAGEMAN
Registered User
"Unless everyone takes a "no headache today" pill in the morning"
i'm sure you can set up the replicator to put all sorts of medication and supplements in your oatmeal
i'm sure you can set up the replicator to put all sorts of medication and supplements in your oatmeal
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
Or your GAGH.
SAUSAGEMAN
Registered User
Or, in a reversal of the "the transporter beams all your poop out", maybe the transporter beams meds directly into your bloodstream every morning.
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
Carnation Instant Breakfast Hypospray?
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Hide and Q - The Enterprise is on its way to a colony where there's been a mining explosion when Q's forcefield shows up and stops them. Q appears as three snakes on an orb at first, before turning into a Starfleet Admiral. He makes fun of Worf's small brain and Worf growls. It's awesome. Riker says the word "games" so Q decides it's time for a deadly game! Picard is left alone on the Bridge while Riker, Worf, Data, Geordi and Yar have to play Q's wacky game. Q mentions that the Federation "defeated" the Klingons but maybe he's just being a jerk. Q has a total mancrush on Riker and Riker keeps grinning at him so I'm looking forwad to checking the tumblr tag for this episode. Q puts Tasha in a "penalty box" where she will remain until someone else is sent there and she dies. That penalty box is the Bridge of the Enterprise where Yar...cries with Picard. He gives her a cuddle and she implies that she'd shag him if he wasn't the Captain. What the fuck is this episode.
Picard and Q have a Shakespeare quote battle which is very entertaining because it's Patrick Stewart and John de Lancie. We finally get to the actual game, which involves pigmen in Napoleonic uniforms (Worf calls them "vicious animal things.") Riker stands posing with one foot on a rock while they discuss tactics. Q wears Data make-up. Is that cultural appropriation? He gives Riker Q powers and Riker uses them to save the crew. Riker asks Q what this is all about. Q reluctantly tells him that the Q Continuum are interested in huamnity and fear that one day humans will become like the Q or even evolve beyond them. He wants Riker to be a Q so he can better understand humanity. It's a pretty good motive! Q transports everyone (even Picard and Wesley) down and the pigmen kill Worf and Wesley in a hilariously bad scene. Riker brings them back to life using his powers and takes them back to the ship. Picard is scared by Riker! He makes him promise to never use his powers again.
They go to the mining disaster site and Data digs a dead little girl out of some rubble. Data asks Riker to use his Q powers to bring the girl back but Riker says he can't. So it was okay to bring Worf and Wesley back but not this poor girl? Picard's a jerk! Riker is pissed at him and they have a face off on the Bridge. Riker calls him "Jean Luc" because he's going MAD WITH POWER. Wesley shows up because someone told him what was going on? Riker is now rabidly pro Q! And Q shows up dressed as a monk because why the fuck not. Riker decides to give all his friends a gift. He turns Wesley into a man "ten years older" who's about a foot taller and has a huge square jaw (and looks nothing like adult Wil Wheaton basically.) He wants to turn Data human but Data refuses because it would be too easy (Data again certainly seems to have emotions here?) He gives Geordi real eyes and of course Geordi tells Yar how beautiful she is right away (Gene co-wrote this episode in case you can't tell.) Geordi says the "price is too high." He gives Worf...a Klingon girl. For sex. She apparently can't speak and only existed to be Worf's fucktoy. That's rape, Riker. Worf says "this IS sex...but I have no place of it in my life now!" Whaaaaaaaaat! Adult Wesley still talks with teenage Wheaton's voice which is hilarious and he turns down Riker too. Riker didn't give anything to Beverly, Yar or Troi (who isn't in the episode) by the way becasue Gene probably couldn't figure out what women would want to write it in the script. Riker rejects the Q powers and Q is dragged away in pain(!?) Just like that Picard and Riker are fine again THE END!
THIS EPISODE IS FUCKING INSANE. I've seen it many times before but I don't think I realised just how crazy it is until now. You can see Gene's fingerprints all over it (Yar wants to fuck Picard! Klingon women are animals!) and, as stupid as it is, it's actually really entertaining. John de Lancie is a joy as Q (the monk moment is lol) and Patrick Stewart and Jonathan Frakes are super fun playing off him. Riker turning into an arrogant Q a few minutes after getting powers is dumb but Frakes is so much fun being a smug git that I'm fine with it? Picard thinks it's better that a child dies than Riker ever uses Q powers? That's a pretty brave writing choice, really! Even the awful looking pigmen are quite funny. The biggest problem really is that the episode does a poor job explaining why it's a bad thing that Riker is now omnipotent. It's not like he actually does anything bad other than call Picard "Jean-Luc." I can understand Wesley not wanting to be aged up into the Incredible Hulk and Data not wanting to be human and Worf not wanting a sex slave, but what's the downside to Geordi getting his eyes back? Would Riker really be willing to give up omnipotence so easily just because his friends reject his gifts? Apparently yes! But like I said, the episode is very entertaining. There's lots of great lines and fun performances and even the terrible parts are funny. So I'm not saying this is a "good" episode but I did enjoy watching it!
SCORE: 7.5/10
Picard and Q have a Shakespeare quote battle which is very entertaining because it's Patrick Stewart and John de Lancie. We finally get to the actual game, which involves pigmen in Napoleonic uniforms (Worf calls them "vicious animal things.") Riker stands posing with one foot on a rock while they discuss tactics. Q wears Data make-up. Is that cultural appropriation? He gives Riker Q powers and Riker uses them to save the crew. Riker asks Q what this is all about. Q reluctantly tells him that the Q Continuum are interested in huamnity and fear that one day humans will become like the Q or even evolve beyond them. He wants Riker to be a Q so he can better understand humanity. It's a pretty good motive! Q transports everyone (even Picard and Wesley) down and the pigmen kill Worf and Wesley in a hilariously bad scene. Riker brings them back to life using his powers and takes them back to the ship. Picard is scared by Riker! He makes him promise to never use his powers again.
They go to the mining disaster site and Data digs a dead little girl out of some rubble. Data asks Riker to use his Q powers to bring the girl back but Riker says he can't. So it was okay to bring Worf and Wesley back but not this poor girl? Picard's a jerk! Riker is pissed at him and they have a face off on the Bridge. Riker calls him "Jean Luc" because he's going MAD WITH POWER. Wesley shows up because someone told him what was going on? Riker is now rabidly pro Q! And Q shows up dressed as a monk because why the fuck not. Riker decides to give all his friends a gift. He turns Wesley into a man "ten years older" who's about a foot taller and has a huge square jaw (and looks nothing like adult Wil Wheaton basically.) He wants to turn Data human but Data refuses because it would be too easy (Data again certainly seems to have emotions here?) He gives Geordi real eyes and of course Geordi tells Yar how beautiful she is right away (Gene co-wrote this episode in case you can't tell.) Geordi says the "price is too high." He gives Worf...a Klingon girl. For sex. She apparently can't speak and only existed to be Worf's fucktoy. That's rape, Riker. Worf says "this IS sex...but I have no place of it in my life now!" Whaaaaaaaaat! Adult Wesley still talks with teenage Wheaton's voice which is hilarious and he turns down Riker too. Riker didn't give anything to Beverly, Yar or Troi (who isn't in the episode) by the way becasue Gene probably couldn't figure out what women would want to write it in the script. Riker rejects the Q powers and Q is dragged away in pain(!?) Just like that Picard and Riker are fine again THE END!
THIS EPISODE IS FUCKING INSANE. I've seen it many times before but I don't think I realised just how crazy it is until now. You can see Gene's fingerprints all over it (Yar wants to fuck Picard! Klingon women are animals!) and, as stupid as it is, it's actually really entertaining. John de Lancie is a joy as Q (the monk moment is lol) and Patrick Stewart and Jonathan Frakes are super fun playing off him. Riker turning into an arrogant Q a few minutes after getting powers is dumb but Frakes is so much fun being a smug git that I'm fine with it? Picard thinks it's better that a child dies than Riker ever uses Q powers? That's a pretty brave writing choice, really! Even the awful looking pigmen are quite funny. The biggest problem really is that the episode does a poor job explaining why it's a bad thing that Riker is now omnipotent. It's not like he actually does anything bad other than call Picard "Jean-Luc." I can understand Wesley not wanting to be aged up into the Incredible Hulk and Data not wanting to be human and Worf not wanting a sex slave, but what's the downside to Geordi getting his eyes back? Would Riker really be willing to give up omnipotence so easily just because his friends reject his gifts? Apparently yes! But like I said, the episode is very entertaining. There's lots of great lines and fun performances and even the terrible parts are funny. So I'm not saying this is a "good" episode but I did enjoy watching it!
SCORE: 7.5/10
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Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
Starfleet regulations have specific guidelines on bulge, booty and bust size limits on uniforms.
Anything over the limit, and you need to create a holographic projection masking the offending area.
Anything over the limit, and you need to create a holographic projection masking the offending area.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
The price of huge dicks is too high (but Picard never explains what the price actually is.)
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Haven - The Enterprise is at a planet named Haven, renowned for its great beauty and rumoured to have healing powers. I bet it's full of white people. Riker watches a hologram of two ladies playing harps in his quater while he sits there grinning. A metal box with a talking face on it (play by Armin Shimerman!) tells Deanna the day of her wedding has come. It's another stupid alien tradition we have to respect for some reason! Troi calls Riker "Bill" again as he's upset at her coming marriage. To make things even stupider, her arranged husband Wyatt is a human (played by Robert Knepper of every genre tv show ever) and his family are totally into this for some reason. We meet Deanna's mother Lwaxana (Majel Barrett, wonder how she get the part!) for the firt time and her servant Mr. Homm (Carl Struycken, the Giant from Twin Peaks) and Lwaxana makes Picard carry her heavy luggage because she's a bitch. Wyatt's a bit weid and has bad eighties hair and weird trousers. He's been painting a hot woman since he was a boy and thought Deanna would be her.
A Tarellian starship is approaching Haven at sublight speeds and everyone is scared. They carry a plague caused by a biological weapon unleashed on thier home planet (which gives Crusher a chance to be smug about how advanced humans are.) There's an engagment dinner for Deanna and Wyatt. Lwaxana and Wyatt's other start fighting right away, because that's just what woman are like! Data watches Mr. Homm drinking and asks if he's part human, which disgusts the tall chap. Homm keeps sounding a gong during the dinner. Lwaxana has a pet living plant for some reason. She tells Data about the naked Betazoid wedding ceremonies while Data grins. Brent Spiner is great, you guys. He aks them to continue the "petty bickering" as he finds it most intriguing. This scene was pretty funny!
Troi and Riker talk in the holodeck. He calls her "imzadi" a lot. Wyatt and Deanna have a moment where it seems like maybe this marriage won't be so bad! The leader of Haven wants Picard to destroy the plague ship but he won't. Then things get WEIRD as the woman from Wyatt's drawings is on the Tarellian ship. She recognises Wyatt too. Wyatt goes to Lwaxana and she explains that all life is connect through some kind of "Force." I mean, she might as well have, since she doesn't say anything that actually explains how all this happened. Wyatt says goodbye to Deanna and his parents and beams over to the plague ship. He finds the alien woman has been drawing him since childhood too. I should have mentioned earlier that Wyatt's a doctor and they think he can cure the Tarellians of the plague. That was his destiny all along! I guess! Lwaxana sexually harrasses Picard and Riker and Mr. Homm speaks(!) the end.
This episode is surprisingly not as bad as I remembered it being. I mean it's an episode about Deanne Troi's arranged marriage, with the first appearance of a character I will go on to dread appearances of. Yet Lwaxana isn't too bad in this episode. She's annoying, yes, but she's meant to be and there's a point to her being there. She doesn't completely take over the episode. I like Mr. Homm too and the dinner party scene is quite delightful with the best comedy yet from TNG. However for the first Deanna centric episode it's odd how passive she is in the story. She struggle a bit with the arranged marriage but is basically fine with it. It's really Wyatt who's the main character here as he's the one who makes all the big decisions and embraces his special destiny. And that's the problem here: what the fuck is this destiny stuff all about? Wyatt is human and there's no mentions of the Tarellians having telepathic powers. So how have they been seeing each other since birth? There's no explanation beyond something vague from Lwaxana and nobody really questions it much. At one point I thought "oh, did Lwaxana arrange this somehow?" but that wouldn't really make sense either. So what's this episode actually about? A guest character who finds out that his dream girl is real and he just happens to have the medical knowledge to save her from a deadly plague? That's a pretty weird plot and it's not very satisfying in the end. But there is some good stuff in here and I didn't really mind the episode so I don't know 6/10 probably.
SCORE: 6/10
A Tarellian starship is approaching Haven at sublight speeds and everyone is scared. They carry a plague caused by a biological weapon unleashed on thier home planet (which gives Crusher a chance to be smug about how advanced humans are.) There's an engagment dinner for Deanna and Wyatt. Lwaxana and Wyatt's other start fighting right away, because that's just what woman are like! Data watches Mr. Homm drinking and asks if he's part human, which disgusts the tall chap. Homm keeps sounding a gong during the dinner. Lwaxana has a pet living plant for some reason. She tells Data about the naked Betazoid wedding ceremonies while Data grins. Brent Spiner is great, you guys. He aks them to continue the "petty bickering" as he finds it most intriguing. This scene was pretty funny!
Troi and Riker talk in the holodeck. He calls her "imzadi" a lot. Wyatt and Deanna have a moment where it seems like maybe this marriage won't be so bad! The leader of Haven wants Picard to destroy the plague ship but he won't. Then things get WEIRD as the woman from Wyatt's drawings is on the Tarellian ship. She recognises Wyatt too. Wyatt goes to Lwaxana and she explains that all life is connect through some kind of "Force." I mean, she might as well have, since she doesn't say anything that actually explains how all this happened. Wyatt says goodbye to Deanna and his parents and beams over to the plague ship. He finds the alien woman has been drawing him since childhood too. I should have mentioned earlier that Wyatt's a doctor and they think he can cure the Tarellians of the plague. That was his destiny all along! I guess! Lwaxana sexually harrasses Picard and Riker and Mr. Homm speaks(!) the end.
This episode is surprisingly not as bad as I remembered it being. I mean it's an episode about Deanne Troi's arranged marriage, with the first appearance of a character I will go on to dread appearances of. Yet Lwaxana isn't too bad in this episode. She's annoying, yes, but she's meant to be and there's a point to her being there. She doesn't completely take over the episode. I like Mr. Homm too and the dinner party scene is quite delightful with the best comedy yet from TNG. However for the first Deanna centric episode it's odd how passive she is in the story. She struggle a bit with the arranged marriage but is basically fine with it. It's really Wyatt who's the main character here as he's the one who makes all the big decisions and embraces his special destiny. And that's the problem here: what the fuck is this destiny stuff all about? Wyatt is human and there's no mentions of the Tarellians having telepathic powers. So how have they been seeing each other since birth? There's no explanation beyond something vague from Lwaxana and nobody really questions it much. At one point I thought "oh, did Lwaxana arrange this somehow?" but that wouldn't really make sense either. So what's this episode actually about? A guest character who finds out that his dream girl is real and he just happens to have the medical knowledge to save her from a deadly plague? That's a pretty weird plot and it's not very satisfying in the end. But there is some good stuff in here and I didn't really mind the episode so I don't know 6/10 probably.
SCORE: 6/10
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