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Wacky Reviews: Star Trek

The First Duty - The Enterprise is on its way to Earth to visit Starfleet Academy, but PIcard is informed that Wesley Crusher has been in an accident. He's not dead but another student in the same flight team is. There's going to be a full investigation into what happened. Wesley doesn't want to talk about it with Picard and his mum but will talk privately with his squadmate Nick Lacarno (Masters of The Universe star Robert Duncan McNeil.) Picard talks to cranky old gardener Boothby. The cadets testify about the accident. The details don't seem to add up. Young Bajoran Sito Jaxa starts to get flustered, but Lacarno takes over and cliams that the dead boy (Joshau) was responsible for the accident (as Josh's upset father watches.) Wesley is upset after that Nick lied as they all agreed not to lie. Nick tries to convince the other cadets that Josh really was responsible. The girl seem to buy it but Wesley still doesn't want to lie. Nick makes a big speech to him about loyalty to the team. Josh's dad goes to Wesley and makes him feel horribly guilty by talking about how much Josh loved the team and apologising for Josh letting them down. It's pretty brutal.

Wesley takes the stand. He struggles but sticks to the story, but the Vulcan Admiral reveals footage of the squadron which shows Wesley was lying. Wesley! Lying! Beverly doesn't even think it's possible that Wesley would lie and has Data and Geordi go over the flight data. Picard goes to Boothby again and asks him about Nova Squadron. He hints that the others would do anything Nick said. Picard realises what happened after Data and Geordi tell him the results of their investigation. He calls Wesley to his Ready Room. He shows Wesley a banned flight manoeuvre that he suspects Nova Squadron executed. Wesley won't answer. Picard tells him a lie of omission is still a lie. He remembers the first day Wesley came to the Bridge and sat on his chair. The first duty of every Starfleet officer is to the truth! Patrick Stewart just fucking kills it here. It's one of those scenes you can't take your eyes off, even though it's just close-ups of two guy's faces. It's great. Wesley wants to tell the truth now but Nick tells him he just has to hang on a little longer. Nick tries to shame Wesley for turning his back on his friends. The Admiral in charge is going to close the investigation becaue they can't tell for sure what happened, but Wesley finally stands up and admits they tried the banned manoeuvre and that's why Josh died. Picard tells Wesley that he did the right thing in the end and has to stick it out at the Academy now, even though it will be difficult for him.

Hot damn, two great episodes in a row! This is, of course, the best Wesley episode and the best acting Wil Wheaton's ever done. What's clever is how it changes Wesley in a believable way. We haven't see him for quite a while so we don't know what he's been up to at the Academy. It's perfectly believable that he could have fallen under the spell of an older, more handsome cadet (admit it, he is) and he'd be willing to lie to protect his new friends. It's the first time Wesley actually feels like a real person. And Patrick Stewart gives one of the best Trek speeches yet in his Ready Room speech, while Robert Duncan McNeil enters such a strong guest star performance that you can totally see why they want to put Nick Lacarno in Voyager (then had to change him to Tom Paris because they didn't want to pay royalties or something.) So yeah this is another actual faultless episode of TNG.

SCORE: 10/10
 
Yeah, they would have had to pay the writer of this episode for every single episode of voyager, so easier to just change the name.

If you think this is a new development, then remember that Gene Roddenberry wrote words to the star trek theme song by Alexander Courage so that they would have to split the royalties between the two of them, even though the lyrics were never used.
 
They were going to use Ro Laren in DS9 before Michelle Forbes turned it down. I wonder if they would have changed her name etc. Gotta dig up that DS9 companion wherever it is...
 
Depends who wrote the episode she was first introduced in. If it was Braga he would have fought to keep that payday.
 
Cost of Living - The Enterprise destroys some debris to save a planet, but some SPACE DUST lands on the Enterprise without anyone noticing. But after the credits we get a scene of Worf and Alexander in therapy with Troi. That's bad. But it's about to get even worse, Lwaxana's here! And she wants to get married on the Enterprise, for some reason. She's marrying some royal alien she's never met. She meets Alexander and is typically annoying, still calling Worf "Mister Woof" which isn't funny and undermining Deanna's suggestion of a contract between father and son. Lwaxana's going to teach Alexander how to have fun and we have to watch it. We do get a bit where Lwaxana talks to the ship's computer, which is clever since they're both played by the same person, but then she takes Alexander to some annoying holodeck resort. They have a laughing hour! And mud baths! How zany! It's shit. I don't know if children watched TNG but I can't imagine they enjoyed this either. Worf arrives and is angry his son is naked or something I don't care. Deanna finds out Lwaxana is willing to give up her Betazoid traditions for her husband. The replicator makes sausages appear in Lwaxna's drink because that's the tacked-on science fictioin b-story this week: unexpected sausages.

Lwaxana talks to Alexander about how she's old and alone and that's why she's getting married. This is one of those moments where they let Lwaxana have some depth and it's pretty nicely played, but the problem is we had to get through twenty five minutes of her being annoying to get there. The strange malfunctions continue and they're really uninteresting. Lwaxan's future husband arrives and he's all stuffy and she's obvioulsy not going to marry him. Alexander keeps laughing annoyingly when Worf is trying to get him to eat. His acting is terrible as always and I'm totally on Worf's side here. Lwaxana's fiance tells her she can't have another naked bath with a little boy. Data and Geordi keep investigating the malfunctions and God I don't care. The ship starts melting or something because there's parasites onboard. This fills up some time because there's nothing left for Lwaxana to do but walk out on her wedding. Data ends up saving the day while everyone else nearly dies. It's remarkably unexciting. Lwaxana shows up naked at her wedding (Alexander smiles at her naked body) and the stuffy alien is outraged and runs away. Worf takes a naked mud bath. It isn't funny. The end.

Okay yes there's one pretty good scene here where Lwaxana talks about getting old and having to marry whoever will take her. But that's one scene in a forty five minute episode. All her scenes with Alexander are painful. The sci fi b-plot is the weakest one yet. This is bad. It's just flat out bad.

SCORE: 1.5/10
 
This seems to follow a Trek pattern, where the writers kind of take a week off after blowing their wads on a run of epic shows. Think "Let He Who Is Without Sin" coming right after "Trials and Tribbleations" --- or, say, half of VOY's 6th season between "Pathfinder" and "Good Shepherd".
 
The Perfect Mate - The Enterprise is trying to help bring peace between two warring planets by bringing special cargo from one to the other for a ceremony. They also rescue two Ferengi (oh no) from an exploding shuttle. They laugh evily before the opening titles. One of them's Rom. They do more annoying stuff as they try to steal the special cargo, which is supended in a floating egg thing. The Ferengi capering causes the egg to hatch early and Famke Janssen comes out. Kamala (that's her name, like the wrestler) says "I am for you" to Picard because she thinks he's the guy from the other warring race who she's being sent to as a gift. She insists she wants to do this as she's the key to peace between the worlds. Kamala is an empath and can tell what any man wants and adjust herself to be the perfect mate. She was bred for this role so it's a bit sleazey sounding. And no man can resist her! They make the mistake of leaving her alone with Riker for a few minutes and she starts making herself attractive to him (which doesn't really take much since she's Famke Janssen.) Riker says he makes it his policy never to open an other man's gift and runs off to the Holodeck for some hardcore holo shagging. It's pretty funny! Crusher argues with Picard about the ethics of all this, saying Kamala is basically a slave. Picard says it's her own choice and a Prime Directive issue. Kamala tries hitting on Picard too (in a less aggressive way than Riker) and it bothers him. He doesn't like a person existing only to please someone else. Picard has Data chaperone Kamala around the ship as the ambassador doesn't want her running off and making every man fall in love with her. Why can't she just hang out with the women? She goes to Ten Forward, Riker runs away again, she gets rowdy with some miners and growls at Worf.

Kamala ends up spending more time with Picard and talks to him about archaeology and Shakespeare and France. His three interests! Picard keeps resisting her but she says some part of him must want her to continue (she's an empath, she knows.) The damn Ferengi show up again and want to buy Kamala. They end up throwing her ambassador through a table. Can we kick them out the airlock now? Picard has to take the ambassador's place in the ceremony now, which means spending more time with Kamala. She reveals that she can't stop thinking about Picard, even though she's about to marry someone else. But does she like him because he's Picard and he's cool or is it just because she imprinted on him? The guy she's to marry is a nerdy ginger who is more intersted in trade agreements than her. Kamala strokes Picard's bald head. He keeps telling her he should leave but it cuts away before he does so it's possible they had sex. But I think if they did it would be made more obvious? Anyway Picard talks to Crusher the next morning and admits it makes him sad thinkin about Kamala changing for her new husband. Kamala tells Picard that he's the one she's bonded with and she will be the way she is today forever. But bonding with Picard means she knows the meaning of duty so she'll still go ahead with the ceremony. The ambassador asks Picard how he managed to resist Kamala and he doesn't answer.

This is an episode I wasn't sure would hold up. I remembered liking it but it's been a long time since I saw it and my views on certain subjects might have changed since then. Let's face it, this could have gone badly in a lot of ways. The plot is actually pretty similar to a number of TOS episodes and they don't all exactly hold up in 2018. But I think this one is good! Okay, the Ferengi are terrible. They're not in the episode too much but every time they are it's horrible. But the actual plot with Kamala and Picard is thankfully handled really well. What's crucial is that Kamala actually seems like a fully believable character. She could have just been a sexy plot device to get the men all horny and fighting each other, and while there is a bit of that it's all played for comedy (Riker running to the Holodeck is a classic TNG moment OKAY) and her plot with Picard is handled sensitively. You can believe that she would be attracted to him (because he's Picard!), that he's her perfect mate as much as she is his, but at the same time there's the doubt there because of what she is. And Patrick Stewart manages to play it like it's not a middle aged man leering after a woman 25 years younger than him. So yeah, I'd call this episode a success despite the potentially dodgy subject matter and those stupid Ferengi.

SCORE: 8/10
 
Imaginary Friend - A little girl named Clara has an imaginary friend. Troi tells her dad not to worry, but a glowing light thing flies into the Enterprise and appears as Isabella (the imaginary friend) for real. The glowing light flies by several adults (including Ogawa talking about her love life!) to before settling on Clara, so that's a bit weird. Clara is surprised her friend is real now (and a bit creepy) but goes to Engineering with her, while something weird is happening to the Enterprise. Isn't it always! Isabella seems to fix the problem. Clara and Isabella run about and stuff and Worf sees them, but doesn't tell them off because he's a big softie now. Guinan is in this episode and talks to Data about seeing objects in the nebula. She also knows all about imaginary friends and talks to Clara about how boring grown-ups are. Troi gets concerned that Isabella is telling Clara to go to places she isn't supposed to. Troi gets Clara to hang out with other children without Isaballa and Isabella's eyes GLOW RED because she's evil or something.

Geordi inestigates the weird thing happening to the Enterprise (it's too boring to describe.) Troi tries to get Clara to befriend Alexander (oh great.) Isabella starts fucking with Troi and breaks Alexander's cup (HA.) Isabella tells Clara she can die with everyone else and her eyes glow again. Guinan explains imaginary friends to Troi because she can do Troi's job better than Troi can. Clara tells Troi about Isabella wanting to kill everyone. Isabella finally does something interesting by shooting Troi. More energy beings show up and attack the Enterprise's shields. Clara tries to talk Isabella into not killing everyone and Picard tires to negotiate too. Isabella finally explains that she came to the ship to determine if the Enterprise was a threat and thinks they should be destroyed for not letting Clara hang out in Engineering and Ten Forward. That's pretty harsh, Isabella. Picard explains that children need rules and Clara says she still wants to be friends. Isabella flies away without killing everyone.

Another child centric episode! Why have there been so many of them this season? The thing about this one, while it's boring and predictable, it isn't actually terrible? It doesn't suffer the problem an Alexander themed episode would have (terrible child acting) because the little girl playing Clara is actually really good. Definitely one of the best child actors to appear in Trek, she has to carry several scenes by herself and pulls it off and is convincing as a child. So that means her scenes are at least watchable, but like I said before, still boring and predictable. Isabella doesn't do anything for most of the episode except be slgihtly naughty. Then she turns EVIL but that's not much better. Why would an alien want to take the form of a child anyway? She could at least have done some fucked up stuff like Charlie X. So yeah, this isn't the worst episode ever but it's not one anyone would want to rewatch.

SCORE: 5/10
 
I, Borg - The Enterprise finds a crashed ship on a planet...and an injured Borg. Picard doesn't want to help him but Crusher does. Worf wants to just kill it on the spot. Picard agrees to let the Borg be beamed up (with lots of security measures) and treated. Troi goes to PIcard and reminds him of everything the Borg did to him (thanks, Troi!) and is concerned he might be upset. Everyone goes to look at the Borg. Crusher says it'll die without new chips in its brain, which Geordi will have to make. Picard comes up with the idea to infect the Borg's new chips and destroy the entire collective. Everyone but Crusher seems to be onboard with it. The Borg starts to panic being cut off from the collective. Picard fences with Guinan. She pretends to be hurt then stabs Picard to show him not to trust the Borg. Geordi gets talking to the Borg, who is all "you will be assimiliated" at first. But Crusher joins him and tries to explain to the Borg why they're helping him. They end up naming the Borg "Hugh" when he asks about names. Hugh is surprised that they don't want to be assimilated and don't want to hear other voices in their heads. Geordi admits to Guinan that he's starting to have doubts. Guinan still wants to kill them all, but Geordi tells her to go listen because that's what she does best.

Guinan goes to talk to Hugh and tells him resistence is not futile because some of her people survived the Borg. He understands how it feels to be lonely. Geordi explains the concept of individuality to Hugh. Geordi explains to Picard the way they'll destroy the Borg: a paradoxical shape that can't exist and will drive the Borg mad, basically. It seems a bit too simple, really. The Borg have assimilated many other species, surely they'd know about this type of thing? Geordi tells Picard he's starting to have second thoughts now that Hugh's developing a personality. Picard tells him to get unattached. But then Guinan comes to Picard to say the same thing and I guess he trusts his bartender more than his Chief Engineer! But it's a good scene with Picard saying "It's not a person, damn it, it's a Borg!" and Guinan saying he should at least talk to Hugh once before using him to destroy his whole race. Picard does talk to Hugh...but in character as Locutus of Borg. He tries to get Hugh to act like a Borg but Hugh explains that the people of the Enterprise don't want to be assimilated so Locutus should leave them alone, especially Geordi. Picard realises Hugh is a person now and says he's cancelling the plan. They come up with another plant: let Hugh go home as an individual and let his individuality spread to the rest of the Borg. But Crusher points out that Hugh might not want to go back. They let Hugh have the choice. He wants to stay with Geordi but thinks it's too dangerous because the Borg will try to get him back. Hugh goes back to the crash site with Geordi and says he'll try to remember him. Some other Borg show up and take Hugh away as he looks at Geordi one last time.

It's certainly a great episode and I kind of thought it might end up getting a perfect score again, but I feel like maybe they made Hugh just a bit too cute and adorable? Like what if he'd developed a personality and he'd been an asshole? Would it have been okay to kill the Borg then? That's a bit of a nitpick really as there's lots of strong stuff here from Picard, Guinan, Crusher and Geordi. I've seen some people online argue that they should have used Hugh to kill all the Borg but, like, have they even watched TNG before? Of course that was never going to happen. It's also interesting that this is the first time we learn that the Borg assimilated actual people and not just their technologies, as in Best of Both Worlds I think Picard being assimilated was supposed to be a unique situation (I think? Maybe I'm wrong!) But nobody asks Hugh where he came from and if he'd want to go home there? I supposed he could have been one of the Borg babies we saw before. Anyway, it's a great episode.

SCORE: 9.5/10
 
The Next Phase - Romulans need help so Riker, Ro (arguing with Riker as usual!), Geordi and Worf beam over to their ship. But something goes wrong when Geordi and Ro are beamed back to the Enterprise (some woman is on duty instead of O'Brien, NATURALLY) and they disappear! Worf and Riker save the Romulans anyway (Worf even works with a Romulan to lift a heavy thing!) and Data drops in to help by closing a door. Ro wakes up in a corridor and goes to Sickbay, but hears Picard and Crusher talking about her death. Then Picard walks right through her! She can pass through solid objects like some kind of ghosts (and YES she doesn't sink through the floor I'll deal with that later, okay.) She finds Geordi in Engineering in the same state. They can see and touch each other, at least, and you've got to think Geordi now has a small hope in his mind that if they stay like this for long enough, eventually she'll sleep with him. Ro thinks they're both dead like the ghosts the Bajorans used to believe in (no mention of the Prophets though.) Geordi is too rational for this and goes to follow Data and find out what happened. Ro tries to get closure so she can move to Heaven or whatever and goes to say thank you to Picard. Geordi convinces her to got to the Romulan ship with him and they listen to Data and Worf planning their funeral. Data talks about Geordi making him feel like a human and it's sad. Worf is happy for Geordi to have passed and joined the honoured dead.

Everyone talks technobabble on the Romulan ship. Geordi thinks the Romulans were working on a cloaking device that can pass through solid matter and that's why they're out of phase. They overhear the Romulans planning to destroy the Enterprise to stop them learning the truth. But then a Romulan walks through a table and follows Geordi and Ro: he's phased too! It's a nice twist. Data keeps picking up chroniton fields, which are being created by Geordi and Ro. Geordi tries to get Data's attention by walking through things and created new fields but Data just keeps rationally examining them. The phased Romulan holds a (phased) disrupter to Ro and tells her to bring him to Geordi. Geordi finds that the beam Data is using to scan can dephase them (luckily!) Ro runs through a wall and through crew quarters with the Romulan chasing her. The Romulan catches her but Geordi pushes him through the bulkhead and out into space. The Enterprise will blow up if it goes to warp and Ro and Geordi need to find a way to warn them. They have to go to their own funeral and create enough chroniton fields that Data will use his beam on them. Riker is going to reveal his true feelins for Ro at the memorial servicel! It's a service which involves Riker playing his trombone, so it's great. Ro and Geordi overload the disrupter to create a huge chroniton field and they finally appear in front of Picard and Data (who figures out what's going on.) They appear lying on the ground and Geordi saves the ship from the exploding warp core. Ro feels a bit sad after because it turns out the Bajoran beliefs aren't real like she'd thought for a while but Geordi makes her laugh the end.

It's a really fun episode! Yes the science is stupid and there's quite a bit of technobabble. Yes you can say "WHY DON'T THEY FALL THROUGH THE FLOOR" but remember this innerphase thing was designed by the Romulans, so logically they'd design it in a way where the people it's used on don't fall through the floor. Maybe it's tied to the ship's artificial gravity. Though come to think of it, I think it's implied that the device was designed to work on starships, not people. But let's just say it's the artificial gravity, okay? Geordi and Ro are a fun team and they get to run through stuff and go to their own funeral. A Romulan is pushed out into space. Riker nearly reveals his love for Ro. I like this episode.

SCORE: 8.5/10
 
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The Inner Light - The Enterprise finds a probe in space. It shoots something and Picard passes out. He wakes up with a woman who calls him Kamn and says she's his wife. He's on some planet suffering from droughts where a symbolic tree has just been planted by Kamin's friend. His friend thinks Kamin must have lost his memory when he was ill recently. Kamin's wife shows concern for him and makes him soup and Picard can kidn of tell she's not an enemy or anything, but still wants to know what's going on. His wife gives him his favourite flute, that he never learned how to play. Meanwhile on the Enterprise Picard is still asleep and Crusher can't wake him. The next time we see Kamin five years have gone by. He's still looking to the stars with his telescope and his wife accuses him of still wanting to go home. She wants him to let go and start a family. Kamin goes to a meeting with his friend (who is the local councillor) to try to solve the damn drought problem. The adminstrator says things will get better on this own but Kamin speaks up. Kamin knows the administrator is just fobbing them off and they have to solve the problem themselves. His friend says Kamin seems like a member of the community again. He's learned to play his flute now too and lays Frere Jacques on it (he's still French!) He tells his wife it's time to start making babies.

Data thinks he's found a way to stop the probe from beaming into Picard's brain. Kamin has two kids the next time we see him and is getting even better on the flute. His friend is dead now but he names his son after him. Kamin starts stroking out because of Data cutting the beam to him. Picard nearly dies so Data has to reastablish the beam. Kamin's daughter is grown up the next time we see him and she's trying to solve the drought problem too. She's reached the conclusion that it's a problem that can't be solved and the planet is dying. Kamin tells her to make now always the most previous time because it will never come again. The Enterprise finds that the probe came from a planet whose star went nova a thousand years ago. Kamin's adult son (played by Patrick Stewart's real son) can play the flute the next time we see them. Kamin is disappointed he hasn't found a focus in his life and that he wants to leave school to focus on his music. But he quickly softens since he knows the planet might not be around much longer anyway. He's still clashing with the administrator even though they're both old men now (he also says the word "HERE" exactly the same we he'll say it in "The line must be drawn HERE!" in First Contact!) The administrator admits that they know the planet is going to die but there's a plant to let something of it live on. Kamin has to worry home because his wife is dying. She dies in his arms. We jump ahead to when he has grandchildren next (and I should point that out that Patrick Stewart has aged better in real life than Kamin does in this episode.) His kids want him to attend the launching of a missile. His kids tell him he's seen it before and his dead friend appears and tells him the probe was to find a person worthy of knowing thier planet. "It's me...I'm the someone" is a really well delivered line from Patrick Stewart as he realies the probe being launched finds him as Picard in the future. His dead wife explains they'll find life again through him. Picard wakes up, confused, but soon remember who he is. He's only been out for twenty five minutes. Riker comes to see him later and reveals they found something in the probe: Kamins' flute. Picard plays it in his quarters.

This is an episode that uses a science fiction story about the human condition and does it really well, as well as any episode of Star Trek ever has. The writers wisely keep the scenes on the Enterprise to a minimum and they're all necessary to the story This is mostly Patrick Stewart and there is of course no finer actor to carry an episode like this. He creates a new version of Picard, as Kamin isn't quite a different person but has lived a full life away from the Enterprise. Picard gets to see what it would have been like to have a family. In the end the event isn't traumatic to him, like it could have been, but really quite beautiful as he gets to experience that whole life and be the only person in the galaxy to know of this planet. So yeah this is as perfect an episode of Star Trek as you can get! And probably the most likely one to make you cry.

SCORE: 10/10
 
Time's Arrow: Part 1 - Evidence that aliens visited Earth five hundred years ago is found in a cave in San Fransisco. But why were Picard and Data called in to investigate? Because they also found Data's severed head! That's a pretty great teaser. Data does an objective scientific analysis on the head while everyone else freaks out. It's definitely his head and not Lore's for technobabble reasons! Data is now sure that at some point in the future he'll travel back in time and lose his head and there's no way to avoid it. Data's cool with the fact that he'll die because it means he's the same as all his friends. Guinan says "full circle" when she hears about the head. Data asks Riker and Troi if everyone is acting different around him. Picard doesn't want to let Data go on the mission to find the shapeshifting aliens (Geordi worked out that they were shapeshifters...somehow.) Data says he can't cheat fate. Deanna can sense scared humans in the alien cave they travel to. Geordi works out that they're out of phase with the rest of the universe by half a second. But only DATA'S BRAIN can help so he has to beam down. Oh, cruel fate! Data goes out of phases and reports on the aliens. They have some kind of snake and it sucks Data back in time. So he's going to die then!

He ends up in San Fransisco in the late 19th century. He does the standard time travel thing of trying to get his bearings while everyone think he's a weird Frenchman. He needs money so he gets invovled in a poker game where human Gul Dukat is playing. He wins all their money and a hat. He talks to a bellhop for a while. This is all pretty pedestrian. A homeless man is killed by the shapeshifters. Back in the future, Geordi comes up with a way to travel back in time and get Data. Guinan tells Picard he has to lead the away team to save Data and asks if he remembers the first time they met. Data talks to the bellhop some more. Why are we supposed to care about this guy? Things finally pick up when Data sees a photo of Guinan in the newspaper. She's at and event where Samuel Clemens is speaking and smoking a cigar and stuff. Look, I don't know if the real Samuel Clemens had such a strong accent but it seems a bit over the top here. And he keeps doing a silly laugh. Guinan doesn't recognise Data because she hasn't time travelled, she's just very old and visited Earth in the 19th century. Clemens overhears them talking about time travel and starships. Picard beams down to the cave and takes Worf's place on the away time (why were they ever going to have Worf time travel anyway?) Geordi does some technobabble so they can see the trapped humans. Troi says they all died in terror. The big season ending cliffhanger is...the away team going back in time too. It's really underwhelming.

The teaser is great, yes, one of the most memorable in all of Trek. But you soon get the sense that they came up with the idea of finding Data's head in a cave first then had to work backwards to come up with the reason how it got there. The stuff with Data talking about his own mortality is good, but the part with Picard trying keep Data safe is really quickly abandoned. Once Data goes back in time it's frankly really boring. Trek has done several time travel stories by now so it doesn't feel special anymore (compare to how much fun the similar fish out of water stuff is in City on the Edge of Forever or The Voyage Home.) It does pick up once Data meets 19th centry Guinan, but that unfortunately means we have Samuel Clemens making silly noises. There's also a LOT of technobabble in the 24th century scenes. Like every time there's a mystery, Geordi just waves a tricorder and says some nonsense to explain it. I found it quite noticable. So yeah this is a pretty weak season ended though it does have some strong stuff from Data in the first half.

SCORE: 7/10

So that's it for season 5 and it's a weird season! Yes it has some of the best episodes in all of Star Trek (three 10/10 episodes for me!) but it also has a LONG stretch of bad or mediocre episodes before picking up in the second half. There's also a ridiculous FOUR episodes focused on children, no Q episode and only one Riker episode (and it's the fucking 'Outcast'!) So yeah, a weird season but still plenty of highlights in there.
 
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Time's Arrow: Part 2 - Samuel Clemens stalks Data in a sinister manner. Picard, Riker, Crusher, Troi and Geordi are all settled in the 19th century now in period costumes and are investigating the cholera outbreak which is actually an outbreak of neural energy being sucked out by alien time travellers. They have an annoying landlady because it's the past. Clemens talks to the bellhop about Data and writing. WHO CARES. This has nothing to do with the plot. The bellhop awkwardly says "the name's London, Jack London!" so you'll look up Jack London on Google and realise he was famous too. The "shame you on, Mister Clemens" bit happens. It's all pretty boring. The rest of the crew are undercover in a hospital trying to find the aliens, who are disguised as a doctor and nurse. Geordi punches one of them! The aliens disappear but Geordi steals their cane at least. Data shows up in a horse and cart to save everyone from the cops as the episode is finally picking up a bit. There's a funny bit there they pretend to be actors to fool the landlady. Geordi's book is upside down! Guinan meets Picard for the first time (from her point of view, not his.) It's a nice moment that is unfortunately followed by more Clemens crap.

They go to Data's head cave to find a way home using technobabble but Clemens shows up and threatens to arrest them for...something. The aliens show up, Data grabs the cane and his head falls off. Everyone follows the aliens (even fucking Clemens) but Picard who stays to help Guinan, who was hurt. Clemens ends up on the Enterprise being annoying. Picard looks after the injured Guinan in the cave, which fits her "a bald man helped me once when I was hurt" (or whatever it was) line from an earlier season quite nicely. Riker tries to get spoilers from 24th century Guinan but she won't tell. Clemens isn't impressed by the 24th century and tells Troi he thinks Earth is just conquering new worlds. Troi tells him about the Federation and how poverty was eliminated on Earth. Geordi attaches the 500 year old Data head to his body. He won't wake up. Picard talks to one of the aliens (also injured) who lamely explains that they need "human energy" to survive. She says that the Enterprise's attempt to stop them will blow up the Earth somehow. Riker wants to go back in time to save Picard but Worf just wants to blow up the alien world, which means Picard can't get home. Geordi finds an iron filing in Data's head and wonders how that got there. We see that Picard put it there in the past as he left a message by messing with Data's circuits. Data wakes up (so all that "Data's DEFINITELY DEAD!" drama in part 1 was all a mistake?) and gives them Picard's messagenot to fire on the planet. Instead they have to technobabble the technobabble to blah blah the blah. Riker wants to go back to get Picard but only one person can go back in time. Clemens volunteers (why wasn't Riker already planning to send Clemens back?) to back instead and save Picard. Picard says he wishes he could have got to know Clemens better. He should consider himself lucky! Picard is saved by O'Brien (mentioned but not seen) right before the aliens are blown up. Clemens leaves his watch next to Data's head, where they'll both be found five hundred years later.

Part 1 had some good stuff about Data considering his own mortality, but there's nothing of that story here. Instead it's just a straightforward and somewhat dull time travel story. It's saved a bit by some decent humour and the Picard/Guinan stuff. I like the way Data's head ends up being 500 years older than his body too. But the aliens themselves are completely forgettable and Clemens is really quite annoying. There's no point in him being there, he's not a key part of the plot, they just happen to run into a famous person and accidentally take him back to the 24th century with them. It's not much worse than part 1, but it's not like part 1 was a classic anyway.

SCORE: 6.5/10
 
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