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Wacky Reviews: Star Trek

Space Seed - The Enterprise encounters an old Earth vessel drifting in space. The ship is from the 1990s, when the Eugenics Wars were fought. It's strange, I don't remember that war or Earth launching a space ship! Kirk, McCoy and Scotty beam over with Lt. McGivers, a historian whose name Kirk can't remember. Scotty puts the lights on and it accidentally brings the people onboard out of suspended animation. McGivers is turned on by Khan before he's even awake! Kirk breaks Khan out of his pod rather than let him die because he hasn't seen Wrath of Khan. The rest of the sleepers are revived too. McCoy sys "there's something inside this man that refuses to accept death" about Khan and Bob Orci took this line to mean "MAGIC BLOOD!" rather than him just being a genetic superman. Kirk tells off McGivers and he's right to, really. Then again, if Khan had been a hot woman I bet Kirk would have been swooning over her. The awake Khan grabs McCoy around the throat and holds a knife to him with his other hand and McCoy says "well either choke me or cut my throat, make up your mind!" which is FUCKING BADASS. Khan tells Kirk his name but Kirk doesn't recognised him as one of history's greatest monsters because records from the 1990s are spotty. That seems unlikely! Kirk even gives him access to the ship's technical manuels which seems like a mistake.

Khan flirts with McGivers and now I have sympathy for her because wow the young Ricardo Montalban is sexy and charismatic as fuck. They kiss and Kirk puts on a dinner for Khan. This is where Khan's true identity finally comes out when he talks about how great fascism is. It's a great scene. McGiver reveals she's into this but is also conflicted and Khan says "Go! Or stay! But do it because it is what you WISH to do!" It's great line delivery. He makes her beg to stay with him then threatens to break her arm while demanding she help him take the ship. Everyone talks about how Khan was the "best" of tyrants and how they all secretly admired him. Spock is appalled and so am I! But they all laugh and say they can admire someone while still being against them and I suppose that's true. Kirk finally puts security guards on Khan over half an hour into the episode. Man, this isn't a good episode for Kirk as a competent Captain. Khan pulls a locked door open with his fucking hands which is great. He and McGivers free the other supermen and take over enginereeing. Kirk records a Captain's Log even as Khan suffocates the Bridge crew! That part's great. Khan wants the crew to join him but they're all like fuck no. He makes the crew watch Kirk suffocate in a vacuum chamber in an attempt to get them to serve him. They all still refuse to join him. Maybe McGivers gave him a false idea of how weak 23rd century people are.

McGivers saves Kirk because she didn't realise getting it on with a space Nazi could result in death. But begs Kirk not to hurt Khan. Kirk and Spock gas the whole ship (Scotty punches a superman which is awesome) and Kirk and Khan have a fight in engineering (I guess it's the set that lends itself most to fight scenes.) They have a fight and if you thought Court Martial was bad...wow. You get close-ups of the stunt doubles' faces! Kirk wins the fight not by using his superior 23rd century knowledge but by beating up Khan with a pipe. Kirk is sad about the thought of locking Khan and his crew up (despite him being, you know, an evil dictator who tried to conquer the galaxy a minute ago) and exiles Khan and friends to a planet in the CETI ALPHA SYSTEM. He lets McGivers choose between going with Khan or facing court martial. She goes with him. The guy who was physically threatening her earlier in the episode. And it plays out like a happy ending! Kirk goes back to acting like Khan has a lot to offer the galaxy and that he can't wait to see what Khan and his crew do to the planet. If we were supposed to think Khan had positive qualities then maybe the episode should have shown them. Nothing that actually happened in the episode makes me think Khan could be a force for good.

SO THIS EPISODE. Not to beat around the bush: it has some BAD writing. Kirk seems like an idiot for a lot of it, giving a suspicious genetic superman full access to the computers. All the stuff with the crew expressing admiration for dictators gets a bit disturbing and the ending seems to be saying "let's see what happens if we let these super intelligent maniacs conquer a planet! That'll be fun!" The final fight scene is bad and the writing for McGivers is sexist as fuck. How did she even become a Starfleet officer? If the idea is that she's weak willed and easily manipulated by psychopaths than surely it's hugely irresonpsible for Kirk to basically order her to live with Khan at the end? AND YET it's still s pretty damn good episode thanks to Ricardo Montalban who is the best guest star to date and certainly the best villain of the week. He's magnetic! You can see why they brought him back for the movie (a movie which smartly does away with Marla and all the admiration for Khan and puts him against Kirk in a battle of wits.) So yeah, this definitely not the best work of Star Trek fiction involving the character of Khan but it's way better than Star Trek Into Darkness still!

SCORE: 8.5/10

A Taste of Armageddon - The Enterprise is on its way to make contract with two new civilisatons. There's a stuffy ambassador on board! A bit like the guy in The Galileo Seven. He has power of command because it's a diplomatic mission and INSTANTLY starts acting like a dick to Kirk and ordering him around. Kirk, Spock, a hot yeoman and some security guys beam down. They meet the leades of the planet and are told that they've been at war for five hundred years, yet there's no evidence of it on the planet. They are attacked by the planet they're at war with and yet there's still no evidence of conflict. Spock works out that they fight their wars with computers. Once deaths are registered those who are "killed" most report for disintegration within twenty four hours. It's a simulated war but the people really die. It's completely insane...and a great idea for an episode! The leader of the planet tells Kirk that the Enterprise was destroyed in the last simulation and they have 24 hours to report for disintegration. Kirk and his landing party are taken hostage. The woman they met with explains that if either side breaks the agreement to disintegrate their casualities the other side will attack with real weapons. And she herself has been declared a casuality.

Scotty's in charge of the Enterprise and he's pretty great! He has a fun clash with McCoy and instantly notices when a false message from Kirk is sent from the planet. Spock manages to mind meld with a guard through a door(!?) and the landing party escape. They capture the alien woman and stop her disintegrating herself. Ambassador Shittypants starts being a shit to Scotty and telling him not to attack the planet because it's a diplomatic matter. Scotty says "the best diplomat I know is a fully activated phase bank!" Kirk and Spock go around destroying disintegration chambers and plan to completely topple this society. Because that's how Kirk rolls. The stupid ambassador is fooled by the bad guy but Scotty refuses to lower the screens unless Kirk orders him to. Kirk meets the alien leader and threatens to bring down his whole planet by himself. And he's being sincere. He's captured again. The evil guy meets the ambassador and tells him he's to be killed and now finally the ambassador starts thinking "huh." Spock tells the Yeoman (who is hot, did I mention that) to knock down and sit on the alien lady if she has to. Spock is cool. The amassador helps him because he realises what a dick he's been. More disintegration chambers are destroyed. Kirk says "Stop it? I'm counting on it!" in another great line delivery.

He has Scotty threaten to destroy all the planet's cities for real if the hostages aren't released. Kirk has shown the aliens what war is really about. They've maken war neat and painless and forgotten the horror. Kirk destroys the planet's main computer and all the other computers blow up too (that's how computers work!) Kirk makes a great speech telling the alien leader he can either wage war on the other planet with real weapons or make peace. "We can admit that we're killers...but we're not going to kill today" is a great Kirk line! Ambassador Fox offers his services as a negotiator. Kirk admits that he didn't know if his plan would work but it was a calculated risk.

It's a great episode. It uses a science fiction concept to make a statement about the madness of war. That's the kind of thing Star Trek should do! The metaphor really works here as the story is sharply focused, unlike something like 'Return of the Achrons' which seemed to have something to say but got lost a bit along the way. This is the kind of episode that make Star Trek a worthwhile show! I konw there's a big "DID KIRK BREAK THE PRIME DIRECTIVE!?" debate but the aliens ordered the Enterprise crew disintegrated first. That's like an act of war. And even if what Kirk did stepped over the mark you've got to admire his balls to risk having two planets blow each other up all the gamble that they'd prefer peace. It's a great episode for Kirk and a strong performance from Shatner especially when he makes his speech. Spock and Scotty get good moments too. A top level episode.

ABOUT SCOTTY: I've always thought of him as being the fourth most important character (after the obvious three.) Watching the first season I was starting to think that was down to the movies because he hadn't been featured a massive amount before this episode. In fact I'd say Sulu had seemed more important that him in the first half of the season. He was the one who got all the background (fencing! antique pistols! plants!) BUT by this point Sulu seems to be fading into the background and Scotty becoming more important, maybe because Gene L. Coon or whoever recognised Doohan's charming performance. He literally says "the haggis is in the fire for sure!" in this episode!

SCORE: 9.5/10

This Side of Paradise - The Enterprise investigates a colony which hasn't checked in for three years and surprisingly find them still alive. There's a girl named Layla on the planet who is shot in soft focus and the cheesey romantic music from 'Shore Leave' plays whenever she's on screen. So you know there's a romance coming! She has a history with Spock. The episode gets a bit boring really as Kirk and the crew investigate the planet and find that something is up but they don't know what. McCoy reports that everyone on the planet is perfectly heatlhy, even to the point where old scars have healed and someone's appendix grew back. Layla finally revealst he spores to Spock and one shoots him in the face. Fifteen minutes into the episode and something has finally happened! Spock struggles but then the cheesey music plays again and he tells Layla he loves her and can finally feel love. The colony leader refuses to leave the planet even though Kirk has been ordered to remove him. Spock ignores his communicator and looks at clouds. Spock refuses orders "(I don't think so, SIR!") and Kirk and Bones are shocked.

Kirk and Bones find Spock hanging in a tree laughing and that finally the episode is becoming worthwhile! Sulu is shot by spores and instantly turns. McCoy is shot too...and turns all southern. He says "y'all"! That's as southern as you get. Kirk beams back to the ship and finds out Uhura and everyone else have been turned too. Kirk is immune I guess? The whole crew beam down to the colony to be hippies. McCoy says "Jim Boy" a lot. Why would being a hippy turn him into a stereotype? He wants to drink a mint julip! Spock tell Kirk the planet is a true Eden with no wants or needs. Kirk says man stagnates without those things. Kirk is alone on the ship and doesn't know what to do. What can he offer against paradise? A plant spookily appears on the bridge and shoots Kirk and he does a creepy Shatner grin. He tells Spock he understands now and will join him. But right away he looks at a medal he won (for being a great captain!) and snaps out of it. There's some "great" Shatner acting as he says "I...CAN'T...LEAVE!" He realises anger is the cure. I don't know why looking at that medal made him angry.

Kirk decides to turn Spock back first even though his great strength could kill him. Kirk trying to make Spock angry is a lot of fun. "Your father was a computer!" Spock snaps and decides to punch Kirk to death. Luckily he comes to his senses before killing him. Kirk asks Spock to build a subsonic transmitter to turn everyone else back. Layla calls Spock and I suppose it's sad that he doesn't love her anymore but I don't really care about her or their relationship. She begs Spock to come back as the sad music plays for the fiftieth time. She asks if he has another name and he says she couldn't pronounce it, which is quite sweet at least. The subsonic transmitter works and everyone starts fighting. Luckily they don't kill each other before they turn back! The colony leader realises that they've done nothing in three years and they're wasting their life. That's the message of the episode. Spock says for the first time in his life he was happy and that's the end.

This is an episode that sounds better when you recap it than when you actually watch it. The big draw is Spock showing emotions and that is fun and the part with him hanging from a tree is great, yes, but it's not enough to fill fifty minutes. There's a message expressed by Kirk that if everyone was a hippy we'd never get things done and that's fine, but the episode doens't really explore it or anything. Compare it to the previous episode where they argued both sides well. We don't even see much of what life on the colony is like. And over the top southern McCoy is cringeworthy. So yeah, there's good parts here (the Spock/Kirk fight is fun...but there's a much better one coming next season) but on the whole I find it dull.

SCORE: 6.5/10
 
The Devil In The Dark - A monster is killing miners on a mining colony. I like the way the mining colony looks. It's mine-y. The Enterprise arrives to help. The miners are all surly and rough. And some strange perfectly round silicone balls have been found! The monster just keeps burning through walls and melting people. An essential piece of equipment is stolen by the creature and Spock reasons that it's trying to drive the people off the planet. He suggests that the create may be silicone based life. Kirk orders Spock to adjust the phases to be able to harm silicone based life Every time the creature attacks we get the same shot of a man standing there shocked holding their phases then being swallowed up. It's quite funny. We finally get a good look at it when Kirk and Spock chases it away...it looks a bit like a pizza. They blow part of it off with their phasers. Spock works out that the creature is the last of its kind and killing it would be a crime against science. Kirk says it must die because the Federation needs the mine. Spock even goes against Kirk ordering the redshirts the creature should be captured but Kirk tells them to kill it and tries to send Spock away. Spock makes up some odds and the comedy music plays so Kirk lets him stay. I'm not really sure why!

Kirk is trapped by a cave in and the creature corners him. Spock tells him to kill it but the creature isn't attacking Kirk so he won't do it. Spock mind melds with the creature despite it being a completely different form of life. Nimoy says "PAIN!" a few times and it brings back memories of 'The Naked Time'. The creature writes "NO KILL I" with acide from its bum as it learned how to speak English from Spock. It's called a Horta. Spock touches it to do a full mind meld and McCoy comes in and is like "what the fuck!" We then get the classic "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer!" line as Kirk orders him to help it. Nimoy does some more acting and it's goes on too long. I mean he repeats "go into the tunnel!" about eight tmes really slowly before saying "quickly, quickly!" The miners want to kill the Horta. Kirk finds a load of smashed up Horta eggs (YES THEY WERE EGGS, DID YOU FIGURE IT OUT YET?) and the missing equipment. The Horta says (through Spock) that it just wants to die now because all the childre are dead. The miners barge in to kill the Horta but Kirk and Spock explain that they've killed thousands of Poppler babies. The miners are...surprisingly understanding! Kirk tells them that they can live with the Hortas the Hortas will help them mine. McCoy cures the Horta with concrete (he's beginning to think he could cure a rainy day!) and the miners end up happy to live with the Horta. There's a traditional comedy scene with Kirk, Spock and McCoy to end the episode and it feels a bit out of place but whatever that's how they end episodes!

It's the type of episode you'd show people if you want to prove that Star Trek isn't just about phaser fights and sexy aliens. They might a strange new form of life, find a way to communicate with it and learn to live in harmony despite their differences. That's Star Trek! It's a good episode for Kirk and Shatner enters a nice, restrained perofrmance this time. I like how it shows Spock's scientific curiousity and how it almost puts him and Kirk in danger. Nimoy's acting in the mind meld scene is a bit cringey but the heart is in the right place. I would say the weakest aspect of the episode is just how quickly the miners come to forgive the Horta. I mean fifty of them died! That's quite a lot! Sure they're told that they've killed thousands of Horta babies, but would they really be so quick to believe that given how weird the Horta look? I mean I'm pleased they put their prejudices aside but it happened so quickly that it felt jarring considering they were ready to murder the Horta a minute before. But on the whole it's a very good episode.

SCORE: 9/10
 
I liked it in 'Shore Leave' but they played it literally every time Spock's girlfriend was on screen in 'This Side of Paradise' and it got really annoying.
 
Errand Of Mercy - The Enterprise heads to the planet Organia to establish an outpost there before the Klingons (yes, them!) can. Kirk tells the Organians the Federation will offer them protection while the Klingons will rule them as dictators. They Organians say they are in no danger and Kirk gets angry at them. Spock tells Kirk that the planet has made no progress in thousands of years. The Organians just keep saying they are in no danger. Kirk doesn't think to ask the "hey, are you actually a super advanced species posing as primitive one and that's why you don't any help?" Oops, spoilers. The Klingons arrive at the planet. They just look like humans but with shoe polish on their faces. Kirk and Spock are disguised when Kor (John Colicos) arrives. He takes Spock prisoner. He doesn't trust people who smile. He respects Kirk because he's seemingly the only Organian who will stand up to the Klingons. John Colicos is pretty great with Kor and he's right up there with Khan as the best guest villain so far.

Spock fools the Klingon mind-reading device because he's fucking Spock. Kor puts Kirk in charge of the other Organians, saying if they step out of line Kirk will be killed. They blow up Klingon supplies to show the Organians that they can fight back, but the Organians are disgusted. Kor watches on a secret camera as Kirk tells the Oragnians off for being cowards. The Organian leader tells Kor Kirk's true identity to stop him being mind probed. Kirk and Kor bond a bit over their hatred of stinky pacifists. Kirk tells Kor to "go climb a tree" in the kind of line Shatner does so well. The Organian leader frees Kirk and Spock because the Klingons are going to do violence to them. I'm starting to think there might be more to these Organians than it appears! Kor kills two hundred Organians but the leading council just sit there smiling. Kirk and Spock try to fight the Klingons themselves. They capture Kor and he tells them the Federation and Klingon fleets are both headed to the planet for a big fight!

Sunnely, everyon'e guns are too hot to hold! Even on the Enterprise everyone jumps away from their consoles. The Organian leader explains that he's putting an end to their stupid war. Yep, he's a super powerful alien! The Organians don't like interfering but they had no choice. Kirk argues for the right to wage war, which is interesting. The Organian points this out and he says "well, no one wants war!" The Organian says in the future the Klingons and the Federation will be friends. Kor wants to team up with Kirk to kick some Oraganian ass, but the reveal their true form as balls of flashing energy. The two hundred Organians didn't really die because they're incoporeal. So the war's over and...that's it?

It's a very good episode but I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about the ending? What's the message here? I don't think it's a simple "war is bad" thing like in 'Arena'. I mean that's part of it, but everything Kirk said to the Organians at the start was correct too. If the Organians had just been a primitive species of pacifists they would have been killed (or at least conquered and brutally ruled over) by the Klingons. It just so happened that they were super powerful aliens. So is the lesson here that when you beam down to a planet of aliens you should always ask if their really super advanced instead of assuming they are what they appear? BUT ANYWAY it is a very good episode with Kirk and Spock's always great interaction and John Colicos really deserves credit for making the Klingons so memorable. They could have just been a random one off blacked-up species of thugs, but Kor had depth and more than held his own against Kirk. And they didn't even say the word "honour" once.

SCORE: 9/10
 
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The Alternative Factor - We've had a really good run of episodes lately. Okay I didn't think 'This Side of Paradise' was great but it wasn't terrible or anything. It had a plot. This...what is this? I don't even want to recap it. A man in a spaceship appears through a rip in space. He shouts and acts poorly. His name is Lazarus. Commodore calls and says the whole of the galaxy experienced strange spatial distortions. The whole of the galaxy! The bad actor with the stupid beard says he's chasing an evil man and the man is anti-life or something. The two men fight inside a poor special effect and the galaxy nearly blows up or something. Bad acting beard Lazarus shouts "KILL!" a lot. Lazarus escaps sickbay and his bandage moves about THE TWIST IS THERE'S TWO OF THEM, THERE, I SPARED YOU SOME TIME. He wants the dilithium crystals. Kirk just lets him walk around the ship despite his stated desire to steal from them. He's learned nothing from Khan! Lazarus steals some crystals the denies doing it because the other Lazarus did it and he can't just say "he looks exactly the same as me" to Kirk for reasons. We see the exacty same special effects clip of Lazarus fighting himself literally about eight times. One of them falls off a cliff.

Lazarus finally reveals that he's a time travelled and his spaceship is a timeship and maybe it was a Doctor Who reference because there's no actual reason in the plot for this. He shouts more. He breaks out of sickbay again(!) then Kirk and Spock try to explain the plot. Something about parrellel universes. If the two Lazaruses meet it will end the universe because blah blah blah. Shatner and Nimoy can't save this episode, the script is too bad. The scene is horribly long too. Lazarus steals the dilithium crystals (which don't look anything like crystals) Kirk ends up in the anti-matter universe somehow. I think. I don't know. Why doesn't he bow up? He's made out of matter. The more sane Lazarus explains that the other one is the crazy one and he's trying to kill him despite it wiping out the whole galaxy. The real monster is man! Kirk goes back to our universe and has a terrible fight scene with crazy Lazarus. The two Lazaruses are locked in combat togther in the anti-matter universe FOREVER. For some reason. Kirk and Spock say "but what of Lazarus!" and that's right we don't even get a terrible pun to finish the episode.

This episode is terrible. I'm trying to think of something good to say about it but I've got nothing. The plot is incomrehensible. The guest actor is poor. It's boring and repetitive. There's no larger message, no moral. Nothing. It even looks cheaper than usual. Remember all the fun interection between Kirk and Spock (and sometimes McCoy) in recent episodes? There's none of that here. There's no humour at all. There's nothing. This episode is death.

For some reason Leslie is on the helm instead of Sulu and there's a black woman in charge of engineering instead of Scotty. I do approve of there being more black female officers (or just female officers in general since they're usually just yeoman) it's just a bit weird. She's actually there because originally Lazarus was going to seduce her and have her betray the crew but Roddenberry read the script and said "hang on, that's the same thing that happened in Space Seed, take it out!" It's a shame he didn't tell them to take everything else out too.

SCORE: 1/10
 
My review of "The Alternative Factor":

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The City on the Edge of Forever - The Enterprise is passing through ripples in time and they're making the ship shake. Sulu is injured and McCoy treats him with a dangerous drug...then accidentaly injects himself with a huge dose when the ship shakes. And wow no one plays drugged out crazy better than DeForest Kelley! "Assassins! Murderers!" He karate chops the transporter chief in the back and I love how all Starfleet officers are taught karate at the Academy. Kirk and Spock follow him down to a plaent and find a TIME GATE of some kind (and some ruins which were a whole city in the script, hence the episode title.) It's a talking time gate known as The Guardian of Forever and it shows Kirk and Spock scenes from Earth's history to show off. McCoy jumps through it and changes history somehow. The Guardian lets Kirk and Spock go back in time to undo McCoy's damage. I'm not sure why I'm recapping this when you probably know the story, to be honest!

Kirk and Spock in the 1930s is a lot of fun. Kirk explaining to a cop that Spock is Chinese and caught his ears in a mechanical rice picker! They're soon found by Joan Collins and Kirk instantly falls for her but it's kind of believable because she's so nice! And she predicts the atomic bomb and space flight. I like when she says "you? By his side, as you always have been" or whatever it is to Spock. Kirk and Keeler go on a date and have a great time but Spock's built a time reader and reveals to Kirk that Edith is the focal point in time they have been searching for. She will either live or die as a result of McCoy's actions and they don't know which. So Kirk may have to let the woman he's falling in love with die. Kirk keeps hanging out with her anyway because he's Kirk and he can't resist. Crazy McCoy arrives and goes on an amazing paranoid rant before a homeless guy vapourises himself with McCoy's phaser. Oops. At this point it certainly seems likely that McCoy will somehow cause Keeler's death.

Spock finds out that Keeler was the leader of a pacificist movement that stopped America entering the war and let the Nazis develop the atom bomb first and take over the world. Keeler has to die to stop Hitler! Edith nearly falls down the stairs and Kirk saves her and Spcok's like "you should have let her die, bro." They finally see McCoy and Kirk runs up to hug him as Spock runs up to shake his hand. Edith is crossing the road and Kirk stops McCoy from saving her. They're returned to the future but it's no happy ending. A broken Kirk says "let's get the Hell out of here" and it's over.

Hey, guess what? This episode is great. Time travel was done once before this season and it was a lot of fun but this one is both fun and tragic! Having "the Nazis take over the world" certainly rasies the stakes from "maybe some guy doesn't go to Saturn." Shatner gives another great performance and his pairing with Nimoy has to already be on of tv's greatest friendships before even the end of the first season. DeForest Kelley is also awesome and downright scary as the drugged-up McCoy. Joan Collins is very likable as Edith and her and Kirk feels like a proper (if brief) romance rather than her just being a Kirk lover of the week. It's a great episode, the best so far, and it holds up fifty years later.

I also read the graphic novel adaptation of Harlan Ellison's original script a year ago or so and it's also great but you can totally see why it wouldn't have worked as a tv episode (it would have lasted two hours for a start.) Ellison's script was rewritten by Gene Coon, DC Fontana (most of what's on screen came from her) and Roddenberry himself. He wasn't happy about that but surely he understood that Star Trek wasn't his show and changes had to be made for the episode to work on tv? Then again Rodenberry was notoriously a bit of a dick and flat out lied about Ellison's script (he said Ellison had Scotty dealing drugs, which was never true) and maybe Ellison's anger had more to do with that. But on the whole the changes are for the better I'd say because having McCoy go crazy is a lot more fun than introducing a drug dealing subplot. He also had Kirk freezing when McCoy was going to save Edith and Spock had to stop McCoy himself, which would have made Kirk look king of weak?

SCORE: 10/10
 
Imagine if they'd had the foresight to do Trek movies back then --- Ellison's script could have been the first Trek film.

HEY IT COULD HAPPEN THEY DID A BATMAN MOVIE IN 1966 SAME TIME AS THE TV SHOW YEAH BONC!
 
Operation: Annihilate! - First of all, that's a great name for an episode. MASS INSANITY is spreading through an area of the galaxy. It turns out Kirk's brother Sam and his family are stationed on a planet that's seemingly been hit by the mass insanity. Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, a redshirt and a sexy yeoman (the classic TOS line-up, basically) beam down to the planet and find some crazy people. Kirk finds his brother already dead, but his nephew Peter and his sister in law are still alive. They're beam up to Sickbay and Kirk talks to his sister in law. She talks about "things" enslaving them and forcing them to build ships. Then dies. Who's going to look after Peter now? Kirk and friends go back down to the planet and we get to see the aliens. The look a lot like fake plastic vomit. They squeak. And they can fly. The girl says "they don't even look real!" which is an odd line to put in when they really don't look real! One of them jumps onto Spock's back and McCoy and Chapel (only her third appearance, I kind of thought she was in more episodes?) can't do anything for him.

Spock loses control and shoves everyone on the bridge. Spock struggling to control his emotions is always good drama and we get some of Nimoy writhing about here. Spock breaks his restraints and wants to help defeat the creatures anyway. He beams down to the planet and nerve pinches a guy who tries to attack him with a giant key. Spock captures one of the creatures and takes it back to the Enterprise to do science on. He somehow comes the conclusion that it comes from another galaxy where our physical laws don't apply. Kirk considers destroying the colony to stop the creatures. He and Spock and McCoy have one of their fun debates. They work out that the brightness of the sun can kill the creatures (well, Kirk mostly works it out.) They come up with a way to kill the creatures but they need to test it first. They only have Spock and Kirk's nephew who are infected. Of course Spock lets it be tested on him, and while the creature dies he ends up blinded!

McCoy realies he made a mistake and didn't need to use so much light and feels really bad about blinding Spock. They kill the creatures and the creatures make sad noises as they die. The colonists are free. Spock's eyesight comes back because he has inner eyelids! McCoy asks Kirk not to tell Spock he called him the best first officer in the fleet, but Spock hears it with his Vulcan ears! Hahaha it's hilarious who cares about my dead brother the end! And, umm, what about Kirk's oprhaned nephew? They actually filmed a scene explaining what happened to him but cut it out, so in the episode it's just left as a huge loose end.

It's a fun body snatcher episode with Spock being cool and some nice moments between him and McCoy. Nothing much to say about it really!

SCORE: 8/10
 
Eggs Mayonnaise said:
Imagine if they'd had the foresight to do Trek movies back then --- Ellison's script could have been the first Trek film.

HEY IT COULD HAPPEN THEY DID A BATMAN MOVIE IN 1966 SAME TIME AS THE TV SHOW YEAH BONC!
Click to expand...

Funnily enough, Ellison was approached to write the first Star Trek movie.

After The God Thing was rejected, Paramount began looking elsewhere for story ideas. Among the various sci-fi writers approached to write a Star Trek story was Harlan Ellison, who came up with the idea that a race of alien reptiles was going back in time and fiddling with events in Earth's history, thus making people and even entire landmarks disappear in a puff of smoke. To combat this curious menace, Kirk reassembles his crew and heads into the past to discover who the reptile aliens are and why they're vandalising Earth's timeline.

"I postulated an alien intelligence from a far galaxy where the snakes had become the dominant form," Ellison told Stephen King in the latter's book, Danse Macabre. "A snake creature who had come back to Earth in the Star Trek future had seen its ancestors wiped out, and who had gone back into the far past of Earth to set up distortions in the time-flow so the reptiles could beat the humans."

Ellison's story "spanned all of time and space" - something that certainly fitted Paramount's brief. But a studio executive named Barry Trabulus had one small request. Trabulus liked Mayans a lot. Would Ellison write some Mayans into the movie? Ellison, never one to suffer fools gladly, stated in no uncertain terms that Trabulus' idea was a foolish one.

"I'm a writer," Ellison thundered. "I don't know what the fuck you are!"

And with that, Ellison stormed out of the office, never to return.
Click to expand...

It could have been good!

http://www.denofgeek.com/movies/sta...the-titans-the-star-trek-movie-that-never-was

It's a good article and man The God Thing sounds way better than what TMP ended up being.
 
Amok Time - Season two! There's someone actually singing the theme music now! Season two! DeForest Kelley's name is in the titles! There's a guy in a Beatles wig and with a terrible Russian accent on the bridge! Season fucking two! Spock is acting weird. He's being a dick to Chapel but even more concerning he's asked for shore leave! Even after the Enterprise is ordered to go somewhere else Spock alters course to take them to Vulcan. He tells Kirk he has a secret but he can't reveal what it is. He lets McCoy examine him and McCoy tells Kirk that if Spock doesn't get back to Vulcan within eight days he'll die! Kirk wants answers from Spock and Spock finally tells him that it's about biology. He explains the Pon Farr to Kirk and Nimoy's acting and the really great music make it seem really alien and mysterious. He has to return home and take a wife otherwise he'll go crazy and die. Kirk is very understanding. Spock plays his Vulcan harp to relax which is cool.

Kirk is ordered not to go to Vulcan but he's like "to Hell with our orders!" and goes to Vulcan anyway. Because it's season two we know how great the friendship is between Kirk and Spock and it's totally in character for him to ignore Starfleet to help his friend. Spock comes on to Chapel(!) and asks her to make soup for him. Poor Chapel's always getting fucked around by Spock. Then in a great scene Spock requests Kirk and McCoy join him on Vulcan for his ceremony. We find out Spock has a wife named T'Pring and then we get to see Vulcan! We've heard a lot about Vulcan in season one, but some of that stuff contradicted other stuff and we forgotten. So this is the first time we actually get a proper concrete look at Vulcan society. It's pretty cool. The remastered version has a new CGI shot of Kirk, Spock and McCoy walking over a bridge. Spock bangs a gong and some Vulcans wearing helmets (to save on ear make-up) arrive along with an old lady Vulcan called T'Pau who is a big deal. She gets carried in on a chair because fuck walking. She has a foreign accent and every one of her lines is quotable.

T'Pring wants to marry another Vulcan (what a bitch) and chooses Kirk as her champion to fight Spock (what a bitch!) Spock doesn't want to fight Kirk even though he's caught in the midst of the plak tow (or something?) but T'Pau's all "are you a weak human or a STRONG VULCAN?" T'Pau tells Kirk not to fight, but Kirk is scared T'Pring's boyfriend will kill Spock if Spock has to fight him instead. Kirk and Spock have to fight with a weird Vulcan weapon as the music just keeps getting crazier and more awesome and Kirk finds out it's a fight to the death. They have a fight and Kirk's shirt is ripped to a great reaction from Shatner. T'Pau stops the fight for a moment and McCoy injects Kirk with something. Spock is so taken by the blood lust that he chokes Kirk to death. That's right, Kirk dies in episode one of season two. It's quite the twist! McCoy makes Spock feel like shit and T'Pring explains logically why she chose Kirk to fight for her. Beng logical doesn't make you good! Spock says "you may find that having is not as pleasing a thing as wanting" to her knew man which is a stone cold diss. Spock and T'Pau say "live long and propser" to each other and do the Vulcan saluate and I think it's the first time that's happened. I should have payed attention.

Spock returns to the ship and finds that Kirk is still alive and grins with excitement...then remember he's a Vulcan and calms down. IT'S THE BEST THING EVER. Killing Kirk too his blood lust away and McCoy cleverly faked Kirk's death (what if Spock had chopped Kirk's head off?) Spock says he's reaction was quite logical and McCoy says "in a pig's eye!" and omg I love these three guys.

This episode is awesome. The Kirk/Spock/McCoy friendship has really proven to be the best thing about Star Trek and this episode is all about that. Plus we get more Vulcans than ever before and they're pleasingly alien and the music's great and even Chekov is actually find (he gives Sulu someone to talk to.) One of the best episodes!

SCORE: 10/10
 
Who Mourns For Adonais - The episode starts with Scotty hitting on some girl and Kirk and McCoy talking about how ALL WOMEN leave the service when they get married. I can't imagine that was Gene's vision! Then a giant gren hand appears in space and grabs the Enterprise. The ship floats in space being held still by the giant hand, which looks hilarious even in the remastered version. A man's floating head appears on the viewscreen and talks about GREEK STUFF. He forces Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, Chekov and the girl Scotty likes (she's an athropologist) to beam down under penality of crushing the Enterprise with his giant hand. He finally identifies himself as Apollo. He wants them to worship him. He won't let them beam up. He grows super tall. AND THE ACTOR IS TERRIBLE AND SO BORING EVERY TIME HE SPEAKS. Kirk speculates that five thousand years ago this Apollo visited Earth and is the real Apollo. He starts hitting on Caroline by telling her "you are wise for a woman!" and of course this turns her own because women in Star Trek can't resist powerful assholes. He gives her a dress and we all know how much women in Star Trek love dresses too! Scotty keeps telling him off and he makes things explode. They go away on a date. But there is the suggestion she's just trying to find out more about him.

Kirk tells off Scotty for being jealous. Him and McCoy talk about how Apollo and other "Gods" must have landed on Earth five thousand years ago. Meanwhile Spock is in command (Apollo didn't want him to beam down) and trying to escape from the giant hand. Apollo (kind of) explains to Caroline that the other Gods ceased to exist because people didn't believe in them. But...they were actually real, living Gods. How could people stop believing in them when they could literally see them with their own eyes? They kiss. Meanwhile Kirk and the others sit around a table talking with some grapes. Despite Apollo promising paradise he doesn't really have much stuff. Scotty turns into a jealous prick again so Apollo shoots him like he's Welshie. Chekov makes a realy awkward "no sir, that thing is Russian!" joke. Kirk figures out that Apollo's gone off to recharge after punishing him and Scotty. Meanwhile Uhura gets to do something(!) as she does some technical work on the communications system. Kirk says "mankind has no need for Gods, we find the one quite adequate" so now it's canon that only Christianity survives into the 23rd century I guess. Kirk tires to get Apollo to punish him so he'll expend energy and be weakened,but Caroline ruins it (FUCKING WOMEN) by begging Apollo not to hurt him.

She gets off with Apollo and I'm pretty sure she's not supposed to be faking it at this point. She tries to convince Kirk to worship Apollo but he orders her to spurn him because Apollo gets his strength from worship. She says she loves Apollo because I guess she's the type who falls in love after two brief conversations with a hammy actor. Kirk makes a (kind of weird) speeh about to her about how they're both humans and all humans have to stick together above any loyalty to any aliens. Scotty keeps whining and Doohan's charm does not extend far enough to make his this tolerable. Caroline pretends to Apollo that she's only been studying him and she's pretty brutal about it, comparing him to bacteria. This is good but it would be better if we actually cared about their relationship. Apollo makes a thunderstorm and starts raping her with lightning? I think that's what's happening. The Enterprise destroys his temple as it was the source of his power. I guess he took the temple with him to and from Earth? I think we're supposed to feel sorry for him. He cries and makes an overly long speech before fading away. Kirk and McCoy are sad for some reason.

The episode is just a bit dull, really. It has an interesting idea: what if the Greek Gods were actually aliens!? It just doesn't do much to explore that idea. The guy who plays Apollo isn't very interesting or charismatic. It's hard to believe anyone would have worshipped him. Apollo comes across as a bit simple. And I don't know how we're supposed to feel about him and Lt. Palamas. Is it supposed to be a tragic lovestory? It doesn't work if that's the case! Scotty is also really annoying here. A big missed opportunity of an episode.

SCORE: 6/10
 
The Changeling - The Enterprise is attacked by something. There's quite a lot of the ship shaking then shooting at something and doing no damage. It goes on too long. Finally the attacker says its name is Nomad. They beam it on to the Enterprise and it's just a small flying probe thing. And it's alive. Kirk remembers an Earth probe named Nomad launched in the early 21st century. They show Nomad a starchart of Earth's system and he starts calling Kirk "the creator." It wants to kill all biological lifeforms for some reason! Spock speculates that Nomad was damaged and repaired by someone. Uhura starts singing "Beyond The Stars" so Nomad leaves to find her (Kirk didn't think to lock the door on this scary prope that wants to end all human life, of course.) Spock reveals that Nomad's creator was named Jackson Roykirk so the damaged Nomad thinks that's who James Kirk is. Nomad doesn't undestand what singing is so it mind wipes Uhura and murders Scotty (we get a "he's dead Jim!") Seems reasonable! Nomad explains that Uhura's thinking is chaotic and Spocks explains that's because she's a woman. Oh HAHAHAHAHA fuck the sixties.

Nomad repairs Scotty on Kirk's orders. It can't repair Uhura because her "knowledge banks have been wiped clean." That sounds serious. Bones starts re-educating her right away. So we get a seen of her reading "see the dog run" with Nurse Chapel. She slips into swahili, which is a nice touch. I don't know what we're supposed to get out of watching Uhura struggling to read. Is it supposed to be funny? Then Spock does a Mind Meld with Nomad, which is pretty stupid. It's a fucking machine! And he just asts like it's easy and it has none of the weirdness or tension of previous mind melds. The music isn't even as good as previous mind melds. Fuck this mind meld is what I'm saying. Spock explains that Nomad ran into an alien probe that was supposed to serilise soil samples and this fucked up Nomad I guess. Nomad kills some redshirts. Nomad "repairs" the Enterprise's engines so it flies to Warp 15(!?) but the crew don't all mutate into lizards. Nomad finds out there Earth is and is on its way there to kill all humans. This is surprisingly not very scary! It floats around killing more redshirts.

Nomad thinks it is perfect but biological units are imperfect. Kirk asks how an imperfect biological unit could have created something perfect. Nomad says that which is imperfect must be destroyed. Kirk then says "ah, but I'm NOT your creator so you made a mistake and therefore aren't perfect!" Nomad says "ERROR, ERROR" Nomad explodes. Yep, Kirk out argued a computer again. It actually made a bit more sense this time at least. McCoy says Uhura is at college level now and will be back at work in a week. Well, that's okay then! I guess we don't have to worry about her forgetting everything she ever knew anymore. Kirk makes a bad joke, episode.

The episode does have a good idea behind it. The idea of an Earth probe going into space and being altered into something alien is a good one! It's just that pretty much everything else is bad. The execution of the plot is really bland. I never cared about any of it, really. Scotty dying and coming back is pretty pointless since Nomad's ability to raise the dead doesn't end up being important. The Uhura stuff is just ridiculous (with some traditional sexism thrown in.) It's not a very good episode.

I wonder how writer John Meredyth Lucas felt when they stole his idea for The Motion Picture? He wasn't credited for it at all.

SCORE: 5.5/10
 
Mirror, Mirror - Kirk, McCoy, Uhura and Scotty beam up after meeting with a race of peaceful aliens, but find themselves in a parralel universe WHERE SPOCK HAS A BEARD and also everyone is evil. The everyone being evil part is probably more important than Spock having a beard. Uhura heads to the Bridge and finds a really sleazy, scared version of Sulu who wants to fuck her. Or is he just overcompensating for something. The evil Enterprise is supposed to destroy the peaceful aliens but Kirk stops them, raising the suspicions of bearded Spock. Mirror Chekov tries to kill Kirk to move up in rank, but he's saved by henchmen. Then he punchs the guy who saved him because Kirk has adapted really fast! Kirk listens to the history of the ship's command, including how he assassinated Christopher Pike to become captain. In the original universe Spock quickly has the evil versions of Kirk and the others locked up and easily figures out what's going on. This is good because it makes Spock look super smart! It's also probably in there because they didn't want to spend half the episode showing the evil crew on the good ship. It's fun enough watching stuff like our Kirk watch mirror Spock torture Chekov in the Agony Booth.

Kirk finds the Captain's Woman in his quarters and Kirk again does a great job of slipping into his role and getting sexy with her. It's not too unlike something regular Kirk would do. She reveals the Tantalus Field, a secret alien weapon mirror Kirk uses to make his enemies disappear. She works out that something is wrong with Kirk. Spock warns Kirk that he'll be executing him soon. Scotty and McCoy work on modifying the transporter so they can get home and Uhura distracts Sulu by getting sexy! Then slaps the shit out of him! This is a good Uhura episode. Mirror Spock has a really fun fight scene with our heroes and Kirk smashes a skull over his head. McCoy saves evil Spock's life but that asshole Sulu arrives. The captain's woman kills his redshirts and Kirk beats up Sulu. Evil Spock mind melds with McCoy to find out what's going on. ACTION UHURA defeats the captain's woman (she wants to come with them to the nice universe but that's not possible.) Kirk uses logic to convince Mirror Spock that the Terran Empire is illogical as it is doomed to fall. He tells Spock about the Tantalus device and we're left with the impression that Mirror Spock could lead a revolution that brings downt he Empire. The episode ends with Benjamin Sisko asking Kirk for his autograph.

So this episode fucking rules. It's a lot of fun, of course, but rather than just being campy and over the top the mirror universe is actually pretty believable in terms of what an evil version of the Enterprise would be like. It feels like the crew have a history with all the backstabbing and flirting. There's so many little details that make it convincing. Mirror Spock is a great character becaue he's not too different from our Spock and you can see how all his (evil) actions come down to logic. Of coure it is also a lot of fun! It's a rare episode where all seven of the "main" characters appear and they all get good stuff to do. Uhura is a particularly well served as she's been kind of forgotten about in recent episodes. Anyway, it's great stuff!

SCORE: 10/10
 
The Apple - The crew are at a planet that they keep comapring to the Garden of Eden. A redshirt is killed by a flower in the first minute. Chekov uses his death as an excuse to hit on a yeoman. Mirror Chekov has been the only good Chekov so far. Spock finds a strange rock, throws it away, and it explodes. It's pretty weird. Spock takes a bullet from a killer flower for Spock and makes a hilarious face as he passes out. Of course he doesn't die because he's a main character. The ship can't beam them up and this is treated super dramtically as they've forgotten about the shuttlecrafts again. Then the weather changes really quickly? This episode is stupid. Another redshirt gets blown up by an exploding rock, which is funny at least. We finally, after nearly twenty minutes of walking about, meet one of the natives of the planet. He looks a bit like a tall Ooma Loompa and he talks about "Vaal" a lot. There's a weird bit where Kirk tells Scotty that if he can't get the engines to work he's fire and it's supposed to be a joke but the music playing over it is so loud that it doesn't come across that way. The native takes Kirk to Vaal, who lives in a giant snake head. The aliens don't know what children and love are. When Spock says his name they all laugh and I don't get it? McCoy finds out the aliens are perfectly healthy and don't age. Sounds familiar...

Of course Vaal is a super advanced computer stumping their development. We finally get something interesting as Spock and McCoy debate the morality of the natives living to serve a computer. There's a silly bit where the yeoman won't say the word "sex" in front of Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Two natives watch her and Chekov (she calls him "Pav") kissing. Chekov is fine with being stranded on the planet if he gets to shag her. The natives kiss and Vaal gets angry. Why does he hate sex? Vaal hates sex so much that he tells the leader of the natives to kill the Enterprise crew. The part where the leader explains to the others how to commit murder is quite good. Spock gets struck by lightning. He's not having a good time. The natives attack but get their asses kicked. Even the yeoman kicks one of them in the face, which is pretty cool! Anyway, it turns out Vaal needs fed(?) every day and they stop the natives from feeding him. That allows Scotty to blow up Vaal with the phasers. So the natives don't have Vaal anymore (the episodes sidesteps Spock's earlier objections by making it so they had no choice but to destroy him) and Kirk explains what children are to them and everyone laughs. Kirk and McCoy say that Spock looks like Satan hahaha what the fuck was that ending.

This episode is a lot like a combination of Return of the Archons and This Side of Paradise. It's pretty tediious. The humour is weird. I'm really sick of the "super intelligent computer holding back a planet's development" thing. They don't go into the history of Vaal at all or how it works, it's just a snake head with smoke coming out of it that has to eat. There's a few fun moments but overally it's pretty bad! Also it reminded me of this episode of Futurama which was a lot better.

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SCORE: 4.5/10
 
The Doomsday Machine - The Enterprise finds the starship Constellation adrift in space in a star system where two planets have been destroyed. Only the ship's captain Commodore Decker (he's a Commodore who captains a starnship I guess) is still alive and he's totally fucked in the head! He beamed his whole crew down to a planet thinking they'd be safe and then the planet was destroyed. He's played by William Windom (Doctor Seth in Murder She Wrote!) and boy does he really go for it! He gives a Shatner-like performance but it's possibly even more Shatner than Shatner himself. The way he says "don't you think I know that?" will stick with you. Kirk speclates (I've noticed that when Kirk speculates he's always right) that the planet's were destroyed by a doomsday machine from an ancient war in another galaxy. It chases the Enterprise and the Constellation and it's fucking huge! It's heading for the heart of the galaxy and it needs to be stopped. Kirk and Scotty work to repair the Conestellation while Spock is in command of the Enterprise. He clashes with the edgy Decker who has no time for logic. He pulls rank and Spock is stone cold honest with him about how he got his crew killed the last time he tried to destroy the planet killer. McCoy is pissed off but Spock rightly points out he can't rule Decker medicall unfit without an examination. They follow the planet killer and leave Kirk behind. The Enterprise attacks the planet killer but does no damage. Decker nearly gets everyone killed.

Kirk and Scotty save the day in the Constellation. Kirk orders Spock to take command and Spock has two big security guards step in. He has one take Decker to Sickbay but Decker beats him up in a really great fight scene (the security officer uses a full nelson!) Decker steals a shuttle and launches a suicide attack. Kirk tries to talk him out of it in a great scene. Sulu detects that the shuttle explosion caused the planet killer to drop in power. Kirk works out that blowing up the Constellation inside the planet killer could destroy it. The Enterprise's transporter breaks after Scotty is beamed over and blows up when they try to beam Kirk over! Scotty has to race to replace it with just thirty seconds before the Constellation explodes. Of course they beam him out at the last possible second and the explosion disables the planet killer.

It's a great episode! Very tense and well acted wtihout any wasted moments. Kirk, Spock and McCoy all get great stuff to do and William Windom is one of the most memorable guest stars in the whole series.

The remastered version must be the one with the most new shots yet (and possibly in the whole series?) I particularly liked how the damaged Constellation looked, wth decks visible through the ripped hull.

There's a white woman in Uhura's role this episode FOR SOME REASON?

SCORE: 10/10
 
Catspaw - The thing about the original series is that when it's good it's really good (see previous episode!) but when it's bad it's near unwatchable. This is literally a Halloween special. Sulu and Scotty are missing on a planet. A message is sent in a spooky voice by a dead redshirt. Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam down to a spooky planet, which means some wooden actor is left in charge of the Enterprise. Why not put Uhura in charge, HUH? SPOOKY things happen! Three ghosts! Talking in annoying voices! Scary wind! A spooky castle! A black cat! Chekov's horrible hair! The trio are chained up and Sulu and Scotty come in, drugged up and pointing a phaser. We feet the aliens behind it all, a bald man in a stupid costume and...the cat, I guess. He talks to Kirk, Spock and McCoy in a really long, boring scene. The cat turns into a woman. She explains that she killed the dead crewman with voodoo and threatens to do the same to the Enterprise by holding a mini Enterprise in a candle flame, making everyone sweat on the ship. Yes that really happened. The aliens starts bickering for some reason. I think the man alien wants to be friends but the woman is more evil? It's hard to tell because it isn't written very well. We cut back to the Enterprise several times to see Lt. Wooden and he's terrible.

McCoy is hypnotised like Sulu and Scotty. The alien woman wants to stay in a human body because she enjoys it and the man is loyal to "The Old Ones." This has the vague hint of being interesting. She tells Kirk that she comes from a world without sensation and you can probably guess where this is gong. Yep, she's hot for Kirk! Of course she is. He seduces her while sexy music plays. She gives up all her secrets right away because women are easily emotionally manipulated. The man sets Kirk and Spcok free because of the woman being irrational and emotional. The woman turns into a giant cat and Spock thinks it's fascinating. The giant cat scens are hilarious and remind me of that episode of The Goodies (the only episode of The Goodies anybody remembers.) Kirk and Spock fight McCoy, Sulu and Scotty (who are armed with crap looking clubs.) Kirk gets the "transmutter" (it's a wand) and the lady tries to seduce him to get it back. Spock says "don't let her touch the wand, captain" and for once the comedy in this episode is intentional as the funny music plays. Kirk destroys it and the aliens turn into...two alien chickens. It's amazing. It's the best thing about the episode. They die quickly. The end.

As you can probably tell, this wasn't very good! Why did the aliens choose a spooky Halloween setting to study humanity? Why did they need to study humanity if they already knew enough about us to create so many scary cliches? It's all played like it's serious even though it's really silly. The silliness is the redeeming quality of the episode as some parts are funny and it's werid enough to not be a total loss. But yeah it's still shit.

SCORE: 3/10
 
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