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Wacky Reviews: Wrestling

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
WWF WrestleMania 13

The good thing about The Network is you can just skip to the start of each match and miss out all the bullshit in between, so it's easy to watch a 3 hour show in like an hour or so (well maybe more than that but I skipped a whole match too as I'll explain!)

The Headvanger vs The Godwinns vs The Blackjacks vs Doug Fournas and Phil LaFon - This was tag wrestling in 1997! I honestly thought all the way through that the Headbangers were the faces and the Godwinns the heels, but it turns out the fans were just cheering The Headbangers because they were what passed as cool heels in 97. Vince on commentary talking about "heavy metal" is embarrassing. Future world champion JBL does some impressive power stuff then the Blackjacks and the other team (who I always remember doing some cool moves then just disappearing after a couple of months) get counted out quickly and the Headbangers get the win. Passable match.

Rocky Miavia vs The Sultan - Holy fuck this is bad. Rocky already has great charmisa but the fans hate him. The Sultan (the future Rikishi! Who would have guessed that one day the Sultan would run someone over for Rocky!?) is such a terrible outdated gimmick even in 97. Rocky wins.

HHH vs Goldust - Back when Chyna had bigger muscles than Hunter (by far.) This is a DEEPLY PERSONAL GRUDGE MATCH but it slows way down in the middle. Goldust does take a fucking crazy bump off the top rope to the floor and I continue to be impressed that Dustin is still wrestling 18 years later and is actually probably even better in the ring now. HHH wins in an overly long match.

Bulldog and Owen vs Mankind and Vader - Both teams are heels. There's no story going into the match. It ends in a double countout. And this is a WrestleMania match! A total waste of everyone involved.

Bret "The Hitman Hart vs Stone Cold Steven Austin - This is more fucking like it! Just an excellent match all around with two great performances. Austin in particular is just amazing with his facials and selling and body language and EVERYTHING. No one in the WWE is on that level today and probably never will be with all the restrictions placed on people. There's a bit where they brawl in the crowd and a drunk guy in a leather jacket starts rubbing both of their heads (really) and Jerry Lawler shouts "Hit the drunk in the jacket!" and it made me lol and remember that there was a time whe Lawler wasn't useless!

LOD and Ahmed Johnson versus The Nation Of Domination in a Chicago Street Fight - Ahmed was shit in the ring, couldn't speak English, but he had a weird charisma. Crush is one of the worst wrestlers ever. But this was a very entertaining match with lots of hitting each other with stuff and a young D'Lo Brown in a suit getting involved.

The Undertaker vs Sid - Okay, I'll confess, I didn't feel like watching a 30 minute Undertaker/Sid match so I skipped to the end. I remember it being awful anyway.

So yeah this is a bad Mania, really, as it doesn't even feel anything like a WrestleMania, but there's one super great match you have to see and the street fight is entertaining so yeah it was worth watching.
 
it's funny how Wrestlemania 13 is remembered as such a watershed event considering it really is a poor Mania when taken as a full show. The Bret/Austin match is excellent in every way and saves the whole thing. Austin had FANTASTIC psychology in the ring and is underrated for his in ring performances. I agree about Ahmed Johnson and the charisma thing as well. He was pretty damn over around this period and it is the only other decent match on the card if just for being a fun chaotic mess. The less said about Undertaker vs Sid the better. It was dire.
 
Do they have any events which Benoit was a part of on The Network? I imagine it would be a nightmare trying to edit them and he was involved in tons of stuff.
 
They have every WWF/E and WCW ppv he's been on on and lots of tv episodes completely unedited. However when you search for "Chris Benoit" (you can search by Superstar and it lists all their matches) only one result comes up: a random episode of ECW Hardcore TV. So someone fucked up and left one Benoit search result in. If you want to see specific Benoit match you have to know which event it was on and find it that way instead of searching.
 
Royal Rumble 1988 - Yeah I thought I'd watch the first ever Rumble since this year's is coming soon. This was a tv special rather than a ppv. I'll review it as I watch it as I haven't seen the whole thing yet.

Ricky Steamboat vs Rick Rude - Steamboat sure likes armdrags. There's a really annoying woman with a megaphone in the front row giving her own commentary throughout the match ("dropkick him straight in the chops!") Luckily security takes it from her. Vince and Jesse Ventura are on commentary and are entertaining. Jesse suggests Rude should use a thumb to the eye and Vince says (and I'm not kidding here!) "there are children watching, don't say things like that!" Good match until it ends by DQ which kind of spoils it really.

The Jumping Bomb Angels vs The Glamour Girls - The Jumping Bomb Angels are Japanese ladies. The Glamour Girls are evil blonde ladies. Very good match as the Jumping Bomb Angels were awesome and did moves most of the Divas today wouldn't be able to pull off. They win the woman's tag titles (which existed apparently!) and the fans go nuts!
 
Yes, the WM13 card was distinctly underwhelming and no surprise given the slump WWF were in compared to WCW at this time. The Hart/Austin match is clearly an all time classic, now made all the better by Austin's recent commentary. I hope he does get hold of Hart as he wants, and they do it together.

I think I've watch the first Royal Rumble a long, long time ago - just a rushed 20 man affair with no real fanfare. Rude was really awesome back in the day. I LOVED Ventura as a colour commentator. Remember the Uncle Elmer wedding? LOL
 
Royal Rumble Match - Yep, only twenty men. And it starts with Bret Hart and Tito Santana (who Jesse is really racist about on commentary!) already in the ring. And the fans don't even get to count down the next entry as they can't see the clock! And of course no entrance music when the new entries come out as that would be too hard or somthing. All the faces fight the heels and all the heels fight the faces for the entire match except one bit where Harley Race (who always looks drunk) hits an evil Russian and Jesse starts going crazy. So yeah not super interesting. Bret lasts the longest but is randomly eliminated before number 20 comes out. Jake the Snake and Hacksaw Jim Duggan get the biggest pops. Ultimate Warrior gets eliminated easily so I guess he wasn't getting the mega push yet. Some guy called Sam Heuston wrestles in a scarf for some reason. Hillbilly Fucking Jim is joke. Don Moraco's fake tan and steroid abuse are quite something. Hacksaw wins, last eliminating One Man Gang. Only worth watching for curiousity value. TRIVIA NOTE: Butch Reed was the first guy eliminated from a Royal Rumble.
 
Royal Rumble 1989

The Hart Foundation and Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs The Rougeaus and Dino Bravo - This is two out of three falls. I guess they used to do that often in the old days. First fall is pretty good, second two are messy. Not very good.

Rockin' Robin vs Judy Martin - I have no idea who Robin is but apparently she's the woman's champion at this point. Martin was one of the Glamour Girls last year. Match is terrible as they just keep hitting random poorly executed moves and going for pinfalls after every one. Robin wins. Sensational Sherri is on commentary and is hilariously bad. Sounds high, actually. Everyone was coked up in the eighties, weren't they?

At this point there's a POSEDOWN CHALLENGE between Ultimate Warrior and Rick Rude but I'm not wasting any of my life watching that. I skipped all the interviews from Rumble entries too.

King Haku vs Harley Race- King Haku STOLE THE CROWN from Race so this heel vs heel match is a grudge match. Heenan manages both guys because he's a weasel. Actually a pretty good brawl. Haku wins.

Royal Rumble Match - Ax and Smash from Demolition are numbers one and two and they fight each other so already this is an improvement over last year. Andre The Giant is in next and it's fascinating watching the guy. His body is obviously falling apart and he looks in pain all the time so it's pretty sad. But he still has a real presence and he's a fucking cultural icon so show him some respect okay. Mr. Perfect takes some amazing bumps to make Andre look good. Andre easily eliminates Jake The Snake so Jake runs back out later and chases Andre off with his snaked. What a dick. Warrior and Rude aren't in the match because I guess posing wore them out. Most interesting part is when Hogan "accidentally" eliminates Macho Men and they have a tense staredown but Elizabeth calms things down. Hogan is then FAIRLY eliminated by Big Bossman and Akeem (the Twin Towers) 2 on 1. SO OF COURSE Hogan then cheats and eliminates Bossman from outside the ring. As annoying as Super Cena is he's nowhere near as hypocritical and evil as Hogan. Ventura is great pointing out how much of a dick Hogan is. Sadly the match completely DIES now that Hogan's eliminated. Like you can see people getting up and leaving! I remember reading years ago that BIG JOHN STUDD won this Rumble and I always thought "really? Him?" because I didn't remember him ever beng a big star. And indeed he gets hardly any reaction coming out then all he does for ten minutes is grapple with Akeem. It's like he's been told that's who he's fighting for the whole match and anytime the Red Rooster goes near them Studd just pushes him away and the Rooster looks confused and sad. Which is funny, at least. Studd wins after eliminating the Million Dollar Man but the final ten minutes or so are terribly boring and padded out.

I think I'll take a Rumble break and go back to watching Buffy...
 
Can you watch a 'current' PPV at any point after it's aired on the Network? So when the Rumble, shows, can I view it again and again right afterward at any time?
 
Yes I believe it's added to the archive right after it's been on "live" or at least the next day. If you subscribed now you could watch the Rumble for free then cancel before you have to pay (I think the first two weeks are free? I haven't paid yet anyway.)
 
Royal Rumble 1990

Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs The Big Bossman - I thought I'd skip the undercard matches this time and just watch the Rumble, but I can't resist a Big Bossman match. Don't judge me. Pretty good brawl that ends in a DQ because the WWF/E really struggle with booking anyone to actually lose (unless they're fighting Cena.)

Rumble match - Much better than last year. Better paced, with good action all the way through (though nothing amazingly great.) Oddly they play entrance music for the first few entries then stop it. The Million Dollar Man is number one. At one point we have him, Macho King Randy Savage, Roddy Piper and Jake The Snake all the ring together and the fans are going nuts as even the midcarders had proper character back in the old days and seemed like stars. Andre The Giant is in there again and it's sad watching him have to use the ropes to hold himself up for all the time he's in there. DeBiase lasts the longest in the match before being eliminated by the Warrior near the end. Shawn Michaels gets a huge reaction coming out then gets tossed by the Warrior in seconds. But his time will come! Hogan "accidentally" eliminates Warrior just like he did to Savage the year before. It's every man for himself, Hulk, just be honest! Ending is pretty flat though as you know there's no way Mr Perfect is tossing Hogan out so of course the Hulkster wins.
 
I have a feeling a love that has lapsed to no more than a LOT of podcasts, and yearly Rumble / Wrestlemania and the odd Raw is about to change!

DONE. WWE don't need salesmen. They have Wacky :)

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All the Saturday Night Main Events are there. I will finish watching the first one of 1990 tomorrow, but I'm already like a kid in a sweet shop - Matcho Man during his 'Match King' run (With Sensational 'Queen' Sherri looking delightfully trashy and mouthy) versus Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

Show opens with Jesse Ventura, dressed in something hideous dissing all the faces hilariously - can't wait!
 
Royal Rumble 91

Watched the undercard this time because it looked better.

The Rockers vs The Orient Express - A strong opener. Bit long (the Orient Express love nerve holds) but some very good stuff from The Rockers. Shawn does a moonsault at one point and the fans lose their shit because you don't see them in 1991.

Big Bossman vs The Barbarian - Bossman in a singles match at the Rumble again? And he's a face now and it's a really good match, actually! Bossman wins after a lot of nearfalls.

The Ultimate Warrior vs Sgt Slaughter - This is in the middle of their disgusting "exploit the Iraq war" angle and Slaughter is wearing boots given to him by Saddam Hussien. Seriously. And yet it works as the fans are rabid in their hatred for Slaughter. He wins the title after Macho King hits Warrior with a septre as Warrior had turned down a blowjob from Queen Sherri earlier (seriously that's the storyline.)

The Mountie vs Koko B Ware - Overly long squash match as the Mountie tries to get his act over.

Ted Dibiase and Virgil vs Dusty Rhodes and Dustin Rhodes - Yep, Dustin makes his ppv debut and 24 years later he's still wrestling and it's still impressive! Dibiase beats up Virgil for fucking up but then effortlessly pins Dusty anyway. Dusty was on his way back to WCW.

Rumble Match - Okay, Gorilla Monsoon and Roddy Piper are the commentators here and they're terrible. They keep missing eliminatons and saying stupid shit like "why isn't he eliminated!" when someone is ON THE APRON OF COURSE HE'S NOT ELIMINATED and say "there are no friends!" every time a face hits a face or a heel hits a heel and it's fucking annoying. This is a decent Rumble but the big problem is that Hogan is the only credible winner. They don't even have Macho King in it becaue apparently he can't do a run-in and a Rumble match on the same show. Bret Hart is number one again and they seem to rely on him as a dependable worker a lot. Undertaker eliminates him and it's interesting seeing Undertaker do the zombie gimmick and looking so young. LOD eliminate Undertaker together which is a good way to get him out. The highlight here is Greg Valentine and Rick Martel lasting the longest in the match and being very entertaining actually! Mr Perfect takes some good bumps. Jake The Snake continues his streak of being eliminated really quickly. Hogan wins by eliminating Earthquke. No one thought Earthquake had a chance of winning. Still better than this year's Rumble.
 
I randomly started watching the first episode of WCW Monday Nitro then decided maybe to watch the RAW from the same night but there wasn't one so I had to go to the next week so anyway here are some reviews.

4th September 1995

Nitro - It's taking place in the MALL OF AMERICA which is a really weird place to have a wrestling event. You can see people shopping in the background. I think it's happening there as cross promotion with Hulk Hogan's PASTAMANIA. Really. Commentators are Eric Bischoff who'se pretty bad, Bobby Heenan who's okay but not as funny as he once was and Steve McMichael who's fucking terrible.

First ever match on Nitro is Flyin' Brian Pillman vs Jushin Thunger Lightning. They wanted to show how different they are from the WWF by bringing in international stars capable for great matches. It's a good idea! Match is pretty good.

Sting vs Ric Flair is the next match. LEX LUGER shockingly walks out during the match. He had been in WWF and his contract had expired and Bischoff had snapped him up to make a shocking appearance on the first Nitro. That Monday night wars are fucking ON! This match feels very rehearsed as they go through a series of spots they've probably done a thousand times before and Sting does a million press slams.

Scott Norton (a big muscular guy) debuts afterwards and gets into a faceoff with Randy Savage to set up a match the next week.

VK Wallstreet is COMING! He's just IRS from the WWF. See, that's the thing about WCW. They have the cutting edge international guys having great matches, but they also have loads of WWF cast-offs who feel outdated.

Hulk Hogan vs Big Bubba - Hogan looks so much older here than in those Royal Rumbles I just watched. And amazingly some of the fans boo him! There's two kids with "Hogan sucks" and "Hogan is a wimp!" signs in the front row. Big Bubba is my old friend the Big Bossman but sadly he's not as good now. Or maybe he just can't do much because Hogan is so shit. Match is bad, Hogan wins, the DUNGEON OF DOOM attack him after. They are again a load of WWF rejects in silly gimmicks (Brutus Beefcake as ZODIAC, Earthquake as THE SHARK, Kamala as...Kamala.) But Luger saves Hogan then challenges him to a match after so that's interesting.

11th September 1995

Nitro - Bischoff lets us know not to watch RAW because "the little guy beats the big guy with three superkicks". What a dick. This is in a proper arena and looks like a normal episode of Nitro. Sabus vs Alex Wright starts. Sabu wins a decent match then gets DQ'd for putting Wright through a table afterwards. He's a mad man, I guess!

Sting vs VK Wallstreet - VK Wallstreet IS HERE...and loses in his first match. Ouch.

Randy Savage vs Scott Norton - Unlike Hogan, Savage is still really good in the ring. Norton's just a big guy doing big guy things. Savage wins after THE SHARK falls on Norton's legs, which is hilarious.

Hulk Hogan vs Lex Luger - They could have put this on ppv, so this shows how serious Bischoff is about the ratings war. Match is shit though. Luger puts him in the rack in about four mintues and thinks he's won but Hogan HULKS UP and the Dungeon of fucking Doom run in for the save. Fuck. Luger agress to join Hogan, Sting and Randy Savage's team against the Dungeon at Fall Brawl on Sunday as Vader has gone missing so I guess I have to watch Fall Brawl now for continuity.

RAW - Starts with Razor Ramon vs newly heel turned British Bulldog. Nothing interesting happens until the ref is bumped and DEAN DOUGLAS rans in to attack Razor. 123 Kid tries to make the save so Douglas beats him up. Kid then tries to splash Bulldog but misses and splashes Razor. Bulldog beats up Kid. This is pretty funny how Kid sucks so much! His heel turn is set up after when he challenges Razor to a match.

Unlike Nitro, RAW features jobber matches which I guess shows how arrogant Vince is that he thinks he can beat Nitro in the ratings with The Smoking Gunns and Isaac Yankem winning squashes.

Todd Pettingzoo is embarrassingly awful trying to act cool in an IN YOUR HOUSE report. "Hey dudes and dudettes!" Fuck off.

Shawn Michaels vs Sid - Yep, the little guy beats the big guy with three superkicks. Shawn is great, Sid is Sid, so the match is okay. Shawn starts stripping afterwards while Vince has an orgasm. It's nuts.

I'd probably give Nitro the slight edge for the week.
 
WCW Fall Brawl 95

Johnny B. Badd vs Brian Pillman - It was pretty obvious they were going for a time limit as the announcers kept saying "TWENY MINUTE TIME LIMIT" and nothing happened for the first ten minutes. They went about ten more minutes of overtime after that. Turned into a great match by the end with lots of nearfalls. Pillman kind of played heel. Badd won.

Craig Pittman vs THE COBRA - This was so shit. Cobra is a CIA SOLDIER according to Tony Schiavone. Pittman comes repelling down from the rafters like the Blue Blazer beasue he's an army guy and wins in about a minute with a cross armbreaker.

DDP vs Renegade - Renegade is a cheap Ultimate Warrior rip-off. It's pretty embarrassing. DDP is cheesey as fuck at this point. He wins a sloppy match with the Diamond Cutter. You'd never think he's a future world champion.

Harlem Heat vs Bunkhouse Buck and Dick Slater - Boring as fuck heel versus heel match. Only Booker T does anything interesting. Heat's manager Sensational Sherri tries to the seduce the redneck's manager Robert Parker in the second ring (there's two rings because of the War Games main event) and the Nasty Boys hit the rednecks with a boot for some reason. Terrible.

Ric Flair vs Arn Anderson - Okay this is heel vs heel as well but it's Ric Fucking Flair and Arn Anderson so it's a good match as you might expect. Anderson beats his FORMER(!?) best friend with help from Pillman.

The Hulkamaniacs vs The Dungeon Of Doom in War Games - Absolute shit. Only Sting and Savage have an energy. Hogan comes in last of course and throws a mysterious white powder(!?) in the eyes of all the heels like the dick he is. Hogan beats Zodiac with a shit camel clutch then gets five minutes alone with Kevin Sullivan. But then THE GIANT (the Big Show) runs in dressed like Andre and does Andre moves on Hogan then SNAPS HOGAN'S NECK so I guess Hogan is dead now!?
 
18/9/95

Nitro

Harlem Heat vs American Males - American Males are the gayest thing ever. And the world was a much more homophobic place in 1995 so I'm amazed they get cheered so much. Harlem Heat put the belts on the line to prove how tough they are so of course they lose the belts. Anything can happen on Nitro!

[video=youtube_share;kHAQiYz7NU0]http://youtu.be/kHAQiYz7NU0[/video]

The Giant talks about murdering Hogan for his "father" Andre The Giant. Embarrassingly bad.

Macho Man Randy Savage is attacked by Kevin Sullivan on the set of Baywatch. Yeah, really. New good guy Ric Flair helps Macho and calls Sullivan "Devil" a lot. But Savage says in an interview that he doesn't trust Flair or Lex Luger who cheapshotted him the previous night. I kind of like how the top faces remember history and don't trust each other.

Johnny B Badd vs Mr Wonderful - So after winning an epic match the night before, Badd loses to a comedy eighties WWF guy tonight. It's good that wrestling booking was still awful twenty years ago!

Ric Flair vs Brian Pillman - Pillman is evil now. Short match won by Flair with the figure four.

RAW

Razor Ramon vs The 1-2-3 Kid - Very good match as Waltman was a great worker before all the neck injuries and Razor could be good when he wasn't being a lazy prick. Razor just destroys Kid with power moves to teach him a lesson but Kid keeps fighting and wins in the end with help from Dean Douglas.

Tatanka and Kama vs Bob Holly and Savio Vega - I just skipped to the end, to be honest. Heels win, who cares.

Jean Pierre Lafitte vs Jobber - JPL is an EVIL PIRATE who stole Bret Hart's jacket to set up a match at In Your House on Sunday. Really. Bret Hart calls in on the phone to say he's mad at the pirate for stealing sunglasses from kids at ringside. 1995!

Yokozuna and Owen Hart vs Men On A Mission - A heel vs heel match and Vince keeps going on about how amazing it is for Yokozuna and KING MABLE to be in the same ring. Yokozuna hits a legdrop on Mo and Owen gets the pin. TWO DUDES WITH ATTITUDE (Shawn Michaels and Diesel) talk about Owen being a nasty liar afterwards.

Umm, let's say RAW wins this week due to the Razor/Kid match, but not a great week for either show.
 
I love these reviews! They're great! I have watched quite a bit of WCW now but never did when it was actually on due to being a Brit and it never being shown on Sky Sports so it's great reading these.
 
I remember WCW being shown on some German channel when I first got Sky, so I would watch it with German commentary.
 
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