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What Seph Did Next

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Ever since Seph left the Mine Field forever, people have asked why. People want to know what Seph did next. For the first time I can bring you that story, exclusively. Read on to find out what Seph did next...

CHAPTER ONE

(Seph walks into a SCOTTISH PUB in SCOTLAND.)

Seph: Fucking Scotland.

(A SCOTTISH WOMAN walks over to Seph.)

Woman: Och aye, hi!

Seph: Come back when I'm drunk.

Woman: Aye, then you can shag me!

Seph: If you're lucky and I'm really bored.

(A SCOTTISH MAN walks over.)

Scotsman: Are ye trying tae shag mah burd?

Seph: What.

Scotsman: You better no be, ya ken!?

Seph: What.

Woman: You're so jealous!

Scotsman: That's because yer such a slut!

Woman: Don't talk to me like that! GET HIM, NEW BOYFRIEND!

Seph: You better be talking to some invisible fucker because I sure as fuck am not your new boyfriend.

Scotsman: A likely story! How about I introduce you to mah wee chib?

(He reaches into his CHIB POCKET for his WEE CHIB but can't find out.)

Scotsman: Did you hide my chib again, bitch?

Woman: Aye, I did! To stop you chibbing innocent men!

Scotmasn: You were going to shag him!

Woman: You can't prove that!

Scotmasn: You shag men all the time! I caught ye in bed with mah brother yesterday!

Woman: And you chibbed him to within an inch of his life! It's a good thing I hid your chib before anyone else suffered!

Scotsman: Ye could just stop shagging random men every night!

Woman: Don't blame this on me!

Seph: I'm so fucking bored.

(Seph walks over to the bar.)

Seph: I'll have a pint of whatever you scottish fucks drink.

Barman: Aye, pint of heroin it is!

Seph: What? Fuck no. Heroin's for mongs. My mate Charlie Jimmy used to drink it. He was a mong. We all called him a mong. Partly becasue we couldn't remember if his name was Charlie or Jimmy. So it was easier just to call him a mong. That mong. He's dead now. Guess how he died?

Barman: Heroin overdoes?

Seph: No, I killed him.

Barman: Well...what else would you like instead?

Seph: Some Wooden Dust.

Barman: I've got some Wooden Dust pills upstairs!

Seph: Well let's get up those fucking stairs before I chin a priest.

(They got UPSTAIRS.)

Barman: Hey, want some lettuce?

Seph: What's that?

Barman: Just...lettuce.

Seph: You Scottish people are fucking crazy and tedious.

(The barman reaches into his fridge...AND PULLS OUT A GUN.)

Barman: Crazy, tedious...AND PACKING HEAT!

Seph: Oh.

TO BE SEPHTINUED
 
I retired the Seph dual because i wanted to seem more sophisticated. don't tell me i miscalculated?
 
(The Barman is holding Seph at gunpoint.)

Barman: Ha! Didn't see that coming, did you?

Seph: Well, no. But you didn't see this coming...

Barman: See what coming?

(Seph pulls an actual fucking lightsaber out of nowhere, ignites it and effortlessly chops the barman's hand off.)

Barman: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Seph: Pussy.

Barman: Where...did...you get...a fucking LIGHTSABER?

Seph: Skywalker Ranch, spacko.

Barman: Where were you doing at Skywalker Ranch?

Seph: Chinning Rick McCallum, getting high with Ewoks, throwing R2D2 out a window, stealing a real working lightsaber. The usual. Cunt.

Barman: You'll never get away with this!

Seph: Why not?

Barman: Someone will kill you soon!

Seph: Many have tried. Why'd you hold a gun to me anyway?

Barman: You don't know, do you? You really don't know! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Seph: ...you better have some fucking wooden dust in this dump.

Barman: There's a bounty on your head, Seph!

Seph: There's a Mars bar up your arse.

Barman: You are the most wanted man in all of Scotland! And you don't even know why!

Seph: Tell me then. Before I mount your mom.

Barman: I don't know why either! I just want to get paid!

Seph: Understandable. Now I'm gonig to rob you of everything you've ever owned in your life. Bye.

Barman: I've got some choppy kittens in the breadbin.

Seph: I'll suck on one of them. But if it doesn't get me off my nuts and seeing God's face in toast, I'll be back for your feet.

Barman: You can get high from feet?

Seph: No, I'm just going to chop them off for my own amusement. And you don't even want to know what I'll do to your patella, bruv.

(Seph takes the choppy kittens from the breadbin and starts to walk away.)

Barman: You'll never get out of Scotland alive.

Seph: Nobody gets out of Scotland alive.

TO BE SEPHTINUED
 
Some say that Seph's love of cutting off feet, led to the growth of the replacement metal feet business.
 
(Seph is walking along a RIVERBANK in SCOTLAND.)

Seph: Fucking Scotland, fucking memory loss, what the fuck happend, I didn't even take any memory destrying drugs int he last seventeen days...or did I? Menty told me I took 500 Green Car pills one night but I couldn't remember any of it...

Voice: Excuse me...

(Seph quickly pulls out his lightsaber.)

Seph: If you want to kill me you better have one of those Darth Maul double lightsaber things, ya cunt.

Voice: No...I was just wondering if you could untie me?

(It's LOKTAR, tied to a park bench, as seen in the Tisiphone Adventures!)

Seph: Oh. You get any Hazy Sinister?

Loktar: I don't know what that means.

Seph: Fuck you like a policeman's hat then.

Loktar: But we could have a crossover with the Tisiphone Adventures!

Seph: The only crossover I'm interested in with Tiis is making her eyes crossver when I nut up her tits.

Loktar: I don't know what means either! Save me!

Seph: If I cut you the fuck free will you promise to run away in the opposite direction again and never interact wtih me again?

Loktar: ...sure! I see a bedroom door shop over that way anyway...

Seph: Aight...

(But SUDDENLY a REDHAIRED WOMAN comes running!)

Redhead: Och! Stop, ye villian! Dinnae cut him free!

Seph: Stop talking in Scottish.

Redhead: Sorry. Bu you can't free him. He's a big tourist attraction around here!

Seph: Christ.

Redhead: We call him the Loktar Ness Monster!

Seph: Christ on toast.

Redhead: The local economy depends on him! Well, him and drugs...

Seph: Drugs? You've got drugs here?

Redhead: Aye, this is Scotland after all! There's a Hasty Surprise factory over there!

Seph: Real industrial level shit, eh? Okay, I'll leave him to suffer.

Loktar: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Redhead: Thank you! And now...I'LL KILL YOU AND COLLECT THE BOUNTY ON YOUR HEAD!

(She pulls out a PHASE PISTOL as seen in STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE.)

Sehp: Oh, that shit again.

(The Redhead tries to fire but the PHASE PISTOL doesn't work.)

Redhead: Piece of piss, I knew I should have bought DS9 prop!

(Seph shrugs and runs the lightsaber through her, right between her tits.)

Seph: That's not what I'd normally put between a girl's tits.

Loktar: I wish I could do that to mother!

Seph: Why don't you?

Loktar: I'm tied to a park bench in Scotland!

Seph: Oh yeah. Too bad about the redhead, she was mildly attractive for a Scotswoman.

(Suddenly the redhead SITS UP and PULLS HALF OF HER FACE OFF, revealing that she is a CYBORG.)

Redhead: Ha! I'm a cyborg! You can't kill me like that!

(Seph slices her head off.)

Seph: Can I kill you like that?

Loktar: Yay! So, will you free me now?

Seph: After I see if the Hasty Surprise factory really exists. And, if it does, I'll get off my nuts and totally forget about you. Bye, cunt.

Loktar: Bye!

(Seph walks away.)

Loktar: What a nice man!

TO BE SEPHTINUED
 
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